August 1, 2017
NC: Oh, what's this, kids? (Tamara hands him a folded-up piece of paper; he unfolds it and looks at it) Oh, this is another excuse to do weird stuff again, isn't it? (Malcolm and Tamara nod their heads) Well, your last excuse did result in Beetlejuice, and that was a big critical and box office hit. (the kids nod again; he hands them back the paper) Okay, you can take the rest of the day doing another one. (smiling, the kids walk off, as the NC goes back to reading his binder, chuckling) Those bunch of scamps...
(Later, he is seen still sitting at his desk, reading the binder. Now, however, he looks rather bored and listless as he has his hand on his fist. Again, Malcolm and Tamara walk up, holding another folded piece of paper, which the NC takes, unfolds and examines)
NC: (looking up from the paper) This is another excuse to do weird stuff again, isn't it? (the kids nod) Okay, look, the last time you did this, you made Little Monsters, and that wasn't nearly as good, (folds the paper again) so I want you to try a lot harder this time, okay? (smiling eagerly, Malcolm and Tamara take the paper and leave, while the NC picks up his binder again)
NC: (sighs) I'm sure they'll get it this time around.
(Still later, the NC, now looking quite annoyed, continues to look at the binder, with his hands clutching at the sides of his head. He looks up sharply to see Malcolm and Tamara approach once more with another folded-up paper)
NC: (irritably slamming binder shut and grabbing paper away) Okay, look, your last film was Cool World. COOL WORLD! There's only so many times you can use this excuse for doing weird stuff, just for the sake of doing weird stuff! (the kids nod) I'm giving you one more chance. If this one isn't nearly as good as Beetlejuice, you're both in big trouble! All right? (the kids nod and smile; NC slams folded paper down on desk) Get outta my sight.
(The kids take the paper and leave, as the NC looks at the binder again, with a look of annoyance. Still later, Malcolm and Tamara approach the NC's room once again, with another folded paper, which they hold out to the NC. But the NC looks toward them with a face twisted in pure fury: he shakes his head around, rolls his twitching eyes and gnashes his teeth at them; the kids look quite terrified)
Tamara: ...Did you enjoy Monkeybone? (Malcolm smiles)
(The NC just keeps shaking his head around at them, and then he opens his mouth as if to scream his head off! Then, we abruptly cut to Malcolm and Tamara now writing on a whiteboard, "I WILL NOT BREATHE", over and over again. Tamara is writing in a black marker and Malcolm in a blue marker)
Malcolm and Tamara: (in unison, as they write) I will not breathe... I will not breathe...
NC: (smiling) Well, how can you accomplish that if you're saying it?
(The kids take in a very deep breath and go back to writing on the whiteboard. The NC nods in satisfaction. Now cue the 2017 NC titles, followed by the NC sitting at his usual spot)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sometimes, we like to give in to the dark and weird, simply because it's dark and weird.
(Cut to a shot of Tim Burton)
NC (vo): Some directors are so good at creating them, it's how they make their living...
(Cut to a shot of Return to Oz)
NC (vo): ...giving us visually goofy...
(Cut to a poster for The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
NC (vo): ...oddly nonsensical...
(Cut to a shot of Labyrinth)
NC (vo): ...yet somehow massively...
(Cut to a shot of The Witches of Eastwick)
NC (vo): ...entertaining madness.
NC (vo): But there's a right way and a wrong way to do it, and after a while, the novelty of the strange wears off, and we see what still holds up and what doesn't.
(The posters of the movies NC mentions are shown)
NC (vo): Films like Gremlins, Addams Family and ParaNorman still hold up.
NC: Films like Monkeybone, Monkeybone and Monkeybone do not.
(The title of the movie is shown, before going to its clips)
NC (vo): It's hard to say why some of these other weird films work, but it's fair easy to see why this weird film doesn't. Despite it being visually stunning and surreal, it's annoying as balls! It's loud, it's stupid, it's a good thing the director did (the posters of The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline, the animated movies directed by Henry Selick, are shown) these films, because, much like a trippy coma, I don't know how far I can go before I couldn't come back!
NC: So, why is this the one that killed the weird and dark movies for a while? Let's take a look with Monkeybone.
(The film opens with a very strange cartoon, set in a school classroom)
Stu Miley: (narrating) It was third grade. You know how some teachers have those flabs on their arms? (the teacher in question's arms are so flabby as to look almost suggestive, much to the delight of one student) I began to feel... aroused.
NC: Instantly sold!
Stu Miley: (narrating) There he was... (out of the student's backpack pops...) Monkeybone! (Monkeybone starts fondling the teacher's flabs)
NC (vo): I'm so glad Cartoon Network green-lit "An R-Crum Christmas".
NC: (looking up in thought) Though I'm surprised the title wasn't "Merry Crummus" or "Beware the Crumpus".
(It is revealed that this cartoon was actually shown at a movie theater, and an audience applauds after it ends)
NC (vo): Honestly, I'm not even really joking. This is a new kids' show that's going to hit television called "Monkeybone". And isn't this just the audience you would expect applauding a show like this?
NC: (as the audience member, pretends to push someone with his elbow) Move over, Samantha! Our new Sex in the City is Monkeybone. (nods slowly, smiling)
NC (vo): Look at this. There's even tons of kids' merchandise. They're that certain it's gonna be a hit.
(A man representing Bazoom Toys named Bill is shown introducing the so-called Monkeybone phone)
Bill: Every kid's gonna want three and they're gonna want their friends to have three, otherwise they're not gonna be friends anymore.
NC: (shifts eyes) Uh, yeah. For this.
(The clip of the teacher showing her flabby arms is shown again)
Stu: (narrating) I began to feel...aroused.
NC (vo): You have no idea how excited kids are to see what (the poster for...) Duckman giving up looks like!
NC: You know, aside from...the first time. (The digital release cover for Rugrats is shown)
(The cartoon creator's agent, Herb (Dave Foley), comes up on stage)
NC (vo): The human representation of the 90s trying to die in the 2000s trying to begin...
NC: ...or, as you call him, David Foley...
NC (vo): ...addresses the crowd and introduces the creator of the comic strip the show is based on, Stu Miley, played by Brendan Fraser-
NC: (deadpan) He did not draw that!
NC (vo): You lying sack of suck, he did not come up with any of what we just saw!
(Tamara and Malcolm stop writing on the whiteboard to talk with NC)
Malcolm: Oh, come on, there's usually good-looking characters in these weird, dark films.
Tamara: Yeah, why doesn't it work here?
(He throws the brush at Malcolm, and it hits him in the head)
NC: (to the camera) In all those other films, the main character was quirky, but still normal.
(The screenshots from Beetlejuice, Return to Oz and The Witches of Eastwick showing their main characters surrounded by strange things are shown)
NC (vo): The grounding reality to offset the strangeness that the rest of the film is about to throw at you.
(Back to Monkeybone)
NC (vo): But Fraser is already supposed to be weird and awkward and tormented. The crazy geek behind the odd cartoons.
NC: Tell me if even for a nanosecond you believe he's that kind of guy!
(Cut to a later scene of Stu talking to his girlfriend, Dr. Julie McElroy)
Stu: The cool thing is that (opens the exit door) you open it, you go out; it closes, and you can't get back in.
Tamara: Yeah, that's pretty bad.
NC: No, no, no, he's so believable! Just look...
NC (vo): ...at his chiseled, smiling, action-hero demeanor that so represents the shy artist!
(Cut to another clip of Stu embracing Julie)
Stu: Yes, I could, but if later got here sooner, it...it would be a lot better.
Malcolm: All right!
Tamara: We get it.
NC: I mean...not since Woody Allen or Paul Giamatti have I so bought...
NC (vo): ...the introverted, uncomfortable social outcast this much!
(Sitting in the car, Stu and Julie see the truck with Monkeybone pictured on it)
Stu: Look at this. Now he won't let us leave.
Stu: The monkey!
Julie: The monkey is good luck.
Stu: I never had any good luck.
Malcolm: We get it!
Tamara: We won't choose someone like him ever again!
NC: And what did we say about BREATHING?!
(The kids take a deep breath and continue writing)
NC (vo): He's (Stu) about to propose to his girlfriend, played by Bridget Fonda...again, representing the weirdo loser who gets lost in his own awkwardness...
Tamara: We said we're sorry!
(The kids take a deep breath again, but while Malcolm goes back to writing, Tamara passes out)
NC (vo): And he tries to get her to leave the place, because, you now, this social stuff is so hard on him.
NC: He's totally gonna bench less if he talks anymore. Oh, I mean, uh, in-between this (gestures) weird cartooning.
Julie: But, Stu, you want to leave?
Julie: You're a big hit! Everybody loves you!
Stu: Come on...
NC: (holds up hands) Okay, advice, by the way... Don't have a background that's more interesting than your foreground.
NC (vo): Like most of you, I'm not listening to a thing they're saying, and instead trying to figure out...
(Zoom in on the picture with Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons on it that is hanging on the wall nearby Julie)
NC (vo): ...what episode of Simpsons that Krusty frame is from.
NC: I know I've seen that one before. Is it after season seven? I stopped watching after season seven. I-I mean, I watch, but...you know, it wasn't as good as when it started to go downhill. I mean, okay, it never officially jumped the shark at any moment. Oh, I don't know. The one with the fake Skinner. That kinda jumped the shark. That was pretty bad, but... DAMN IT, I'M STILL REVIEWING MONKEYBONE! (massages his forehead in frustration)
NC (vo): But one of the pieces of merchandise...a giant inflatable raft...
NC: Pfft! (waves off) That overused market? I thought they'd yank those after people were disturbed sitting at Dora's face. (The photo of Dora the Explorer raft floating near the river is shown)
NC (vo): ...goes off and sends their car crashing into a wall. Fraser is sent into a coma, while Fonda is...completely untouched...
NC: Their car was a giant airbag! How was he knocked out?!*
Note: In a scene that was cut from the film (but appears in the official trailer), both Julie and Stu survive the crash. Stu gets on the phone booth to propose the idea of Monkeybone airbags, but while he's on the phone, a pipe that had been knocked loose by the crash comes down and bonks Stu on the head. He happens to notice too late.
(Lying on a bed unconscious, Stu sinks down slowly as if he were in a coffin at a funeral)
NC (vo): ...as Fraser has a vision he'll soon become familiar with watching himself die.
(Stu wakes up. Now he's riding a rollercoaster)
P.A.: Now arriving in DownTown.
(The stone statues start singing as Stu enters DownTown, a pretty well-designed world resembling an amusement park and inhabited with monsters of different sorts)
Statues: (singing) We welcome you to DownTown / And while you're in your coma...
NC (vo): Oh, boy.
NC: You're not gonna take that "background overshadowing the foreground" advice, are you?
NC (vo): (singing to the tune of "This is Halloween") Boys and girls of every age / Think our designers were overly paid!
(Stu comes across one of his nightmares: a small one-eyed monster with two horns on his head, and he yelps upon seeing it. The monster is not CG, it is a costume)
Cyclops: Hey, bud, glad to see me?
NC (vo): Okay, movie.
NC: I'll make a deal with you. Nix all the actors and just leave...
NC (vo): ...a 360-camera in the middle of a set.
NC: I'll call it even!
NC (vo): Yeah, for all its faults, this world is...pretty damn amazing. This place is called DownTown, where people go when they're in comas that's apparently ran on people's nightmares. And apparently, everyone watched the same episode of Japan's Pee-wee's Playhouse to come up with these images. While it is a marvel for the eyes, it's a DC for the rest of the senses, as Fraser comes across his creation, Monkeybone, voiced by a sped-up John Turturro.
(Monkeybone appears on stage of a piano machine, animated in stop-motion)
Monkeybone: Now, I know you're all in comas, but my first guest is gonna... Spike! Your! Charts! (He straightens up his tail)
NC: What's the difference in speeding up Turturro's voice and...really anybody's voice to sound exactly the same? Turturro costs more! (holds up an index finger as the lamp with the word "GENIUS" appears to a ding)
NC (vo): And trust me, casting a big-name actor to do the voice doesn't distract how balls-gradingly annoying he is!
(As Monkeybone sings and dances, standing on his paws, he puts on a bra and a skirt)
Monkeybone: (singing) All aboard! The lady got a loose caboose / On board! Get on the Julie train / On board!
NC: Okay, I'm over the novelty of him being stop-motion; now I hate him.
(Suddenly, Monkeybone is dressed like Marilyn Monroe from Some Like it Hot, with breasts, white dress and all)
Monkeybone: (singing) I wanna be loved by you / Deedle-ee, deedle-ee, deedle-ee, dum / Boop-boop-ee-do! (shows his butt to the camera)
NC: (as Monkeybone, raises hand) Anyone else created to work out the sexual issues of the director and/or writer- (A bunch of hands go up) Oh, thank God, not just me.
(We're back to the normal world, with Julie and Kimmy, Stu's sister, mourning for him)
NC (vo): So Fraser's sister, played by Megan Mullally, wants to pull the plug on him. Why?
NC: (shifts eyes) No, that's not figurative; I'm actually asking you why. You probably has as much understanding as I do.
NC (vo): As far as I can tell, she just wants to kill him, and there's no motivation the film gives, as to why. I mean, okay, she says they made a pact because their father died so slowly, but she seems way too excited and eager. I don't really get it.
Kimmy: (claps her hands) Doctor, hey! Sweetheart! Which one's the plug?
Doctor: What plug?
Kimmy: (chuckling) The plug?
(NC turns to the kids again)
Malcolm: But it's dark, so it's funny. (Tamara nods)
NC: Yeah, it's dark, but only funny if we understand why.
NC (vo): This is the first time we've seen her. We don't know what their relationship is like, or...even what she's like, because we don't know why she's acting this way, or this is how she normally acts, or what? There's no context!
Tamara: Yeah, but we blackmailed Bridget Fonda into being in this. That's gonna count for- (NC angrily points at the whiteboard) Okay. (They continue writing)
NC (vo): The doctor says after three months it's less likely someone will come back from a coma. So, three months pass, as shown by... (We fade from Julie to DownTown, with no caption denoting what time has passed) this dissolve...
NC: I thought it felt more like a two-and-a-half-month dissolve, but I still got the general passage of time.
NC (vo): ...as Fraser continues to train for how to not be funny in Looney Tunes: Back in Action.
(Stu grabs Monkeybone by the throat)
Stu: You have humiliated me in public for the last time!
Monkeybone: I doubt that.
Stu: Back in the pack! (puts the screaming Monkeybone into his backpack)
NC: (hand on cheek) You know, I'm just gonna say it: what's the appeal of this guy?
NC (vo): I mean, he's good-looking and he played the likeable doofus okay, (The posters for Blast from the Past and George of the Jungle are shown) but looking back on his work, I can't say he's awful, but I can't really say he's good, either.
NC: Just look at this scene where he's supposed to act like Monkeybone is in front of him.
(Stu takes out his backpack once more and points it out to Monkeybone, looking at him)
Stu: That's it. Back in the pack!
Monkeybone: Not by the hair of my butty-butt-butt! (He does some fight moves and jumps on Stu's head, pinching his nose. Stu yelps in pain)
NC: I think Brendan Fraser is the less convincing puppet.
NC (vo): Does it ever seem like he's looking at this thing? And even when he's acting with other actors, it just seems like George of the Jungle Lite.
Stu: (addressing one of the Reapers) He got an Exit Pass. Where's mine? When do I get to go home?
NC (vo): He gives the performance a million other actors could give. It never seems distinctly unique.
(The scene where Stu sits on the stairs in sorrow is shown)
Stu: Who am I kidding? I'm never gonna get out of here.
NC: To its credit, though, I don't know if any acting could make scenes like this work.
Monkeybone: Ooga! Ooga! Dive, dive, dive, dive, dive!! (He jumps down right in Miss Kitty's cleavage)
NC (vo): Ah, the days when adult humor in animation was...a novelty.
NC: (speaks in an over-the-top posh female voice) A monkey jumping in a woman's boobs?! But those are cartoons! These things are for children! (Beat) Aren't they?! (takes out an envelope and pushes it away with mouth open wide as the caption "PUSHING THE ENVELOPE" appears)
NC (vo): Their antics are interrupted, though, when one of the people in a coma is sent back to the living.
(The Reaper, who's resembling a crossover between a medieval knight and a bedsheet ghost, is shown speaking to an old man)
Reaper: Earl Biegler, I have come.
NC: (as the Reaper) I'm the Ghost of Christmas Missteps. I'm here to convince Michael Caine he can act with Muppets.
(Biegler gets an Exit Pass, flies up to the sky via the high striker and enters the human world through the Revive-O, which is a large bust of Abraham Lincoln)
NC (vo): The man is sent back to the real world through the mouth of Abraham Lincoln, because...
(NC turns to Malcolm and Tamara)
Malcolm: Well, you didn't think of it.
Tamara: So it's clever.
NC: (after a beat) Come here. (The kids come closer to him) Did you know that if your knuckles are pink, you're more likely to be a genius?
(Malcolm and Tamara smile and look at their knuckles. NC then hits their wrists, and the kids punch their chins by themselves)
Tamara: Ugh... Well played.
NC: (through clenched teeth) Get back there!! (And the kids do so)
NC (vo): Fraser wants to figure out how he can get an Exit Pass, so he goes to a pajama party of Hypnos, the lord of dreams who loves the nightmares Fraser comes up with.
(One of Stu's nightmares is shown in black-and-white, where his colleagues are wearing party hats and costumes and are looking at the camera, smiling, while Stu is in the role of the non-alive Frankenstein's Monster)
NC (vo): Again...
NC: ...if the story could just politely leave, and...
(In the nightmare, Stu deflates like a balloon, and Hypnos' party attenders cheer after seeing this)
NC (vo): ...we could play a Rammstein song over this...
NC: ...I think we could have something.
NC (vo): But the film insists it has a narrative, as Hypnos tells Fraser where to get an Exit Pass.
(Hypnos tells Stu about a nightmare he just had, lying on his bed, about Julie agreeing to pull the plug)
Monkeybone: Pact? Pact? No life support? (laughs)
Hypnos: I'm just the God of Sleep. This is Death's bailiwick.
Monkeybone: (trying to break free out of Stu's hands) Anybody that dumb (makes a megaphone out of his costume) deserves to die! (Stu stuffs the megaphone into Monkeybone's mouth)
NC (vo): Hypnos says if he (Stu) travels to the land of the dead, he could steal an Exit Pass for himself. But Fonda's convinced he's still in there trying to get out.
(In the Land of the Living, Julie shows Stu's cardiogram to his colleagues)
Julie: So does everybody here know what Oneirix is?
Hutch: It's nightmare juice. Do you think that we could decrease the levels?
Julie: No, I want to give him more, to give him a massive dose. I want to scare him awake.
NC: You want to scare him awake? Show him the reviews for (poster of...) Single White Female. (An audience laughs along with NC) But, in all seriousness, you are a treasure. What are you doing in this movie?
(Stu and Monkeybone disguise themselves as one of the Reapers to enter Death's manor)
NC (vo): Fraser disguises himself as a wicked tampon and sneaks in to see the Grim Reaper, played by Whoopi Goldberg, and her assistant, played by Thomas Haden Church.
Death: I'm yours. What do you want?
Assistant: Let's get to reapin'.
Death: Let's go!
NC: (waving) We're the paycheck in-between two big things! (The posters for The Lion King, The View, Wings, and Sideways are shown)
NC (vo): They steal the Exit Pass, resulting in...Whoopi's head exploding.
(As said, Death gets angry, and her head blows up like a crockery. Stu and Monkeybone fall down to the place where the Reapers' costumes are kept. NC looks at Malcolm and Tamara questioningly. They shrug and punch themselves in the chins)
NC: Thank you.
(As Tamara and Malcolm go back to writing, Malcolm drops his marker and starts to collapse slowly)
Stu: (to Monkeybone) It's just that, now that I'm leaving, there's so many things that I wanted to say to you.
NC: We really should have been working on our chemistry instead of (points to his wall) having the background eat us alive.
(Monkeybone knocks Stu out, takes his Exit Pass and blasts off to the Revive-O. He wakes up in the Land of the Living, having taken the possession of Stu's body, while in DownTown, Stu himself is put in the jail by Hypnos)
NC (vo): But Monkeybone betrays him by stealing the Exit Pass and going into Fraser's body in the real world, resulting in the real Fraser being put away.
NC: So, like most boners, you think it's your friend, but it often gets you in trouble and, sometimes, even lands you in prison.
(NC turns to Malcolm and Tamara again questioningly. The two give him a disapproving look. NC realizes what he just said and punches himself in the chin. We go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown Julie driving Monkeybone in Stu's body to the latter's house)
NC (vo): So now Monkeybone is in Brendan Fraser's body. Oh, the possibilities this opens up.
NC: I mean...there's just so many defining character traits of Monkeybone! Like, he's silly... He's horny... (looks around) He likes to dress...
NC (vo): ...as Marilyn Monroe for some reason...
NC: Honestly, I probably get more character out of the peach from Selick's last movie than this.
NC (vo, sighs): So, we have a not very defined character now being portrayed by a not very defined actor. Don't get me wrong; he's clearly trying, he's jumping all over the place and screaming and such, but, again, that's kind of expected. Nothing is really added to make it his own.
NC: Even the spit take just seems run-of-the-mill.
(Monkeybone/Stu is shown drinking from a bottle. Julie shows him the poster made by Stu with Monkeybone twirling his tail around Stu and Julie and the words "Hey, Doc! Will you marry me?")
(Monkeybone/Stu spits the liquid out, but just like the regular person would do)
NC (vo): Come on, it's a spit take! There has to be more life in it than that!
NC: Part of what makes those work is the unexpectedness. (Out of nowhere, he does a spit take, some of the liquid is sprayed on the camera) I don't even know where that came from!
NC (vo): It gets even more uncomfortable when Fonda tries to seduce him.
(Julie unties her dressing gown and embraces Monkeybone/Stu with it, dancing; "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye is heard in the background)
NC: What a...peculiar way to seduce a man.
(The scene continues. Monkeybone/Stu squeaks blissfully. Cut to NC imitating Julie, opening his jacket and turned to his right, smiling to the camera)
NC: (as Julie) This is what I call the PG-13!
(Monkeybone/Stu jumps onto the bed and starts dancing himself, smiling widely; "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix plays in the background)
NC: (shrugs) Laughing yet?
NC (vo): Yeah, I think Fonda's look of horror speaks for all of us.
(We are shown Julie's point of view as the camera is looking at Monkeybone/Stu's crotch)
NC: (disgusted) Nooo, stop showing that! This is not worth whatever impact you think it's having on us!
(The scene plays again)
NC (vo): D'AAAH!
NC: Okay, I will die a happy man...a less angry man...I will not die if you never show me that again!
(The scene transitions to real Stu awakening in Hypnos' cell, discovering a bunch of convicts eating the garbage)
NC (vo): Oh, thank God one of those Hulk transitions finally had a good use.
Stu: Who are you? What do you want?!
Stephen King: You gotta move fast through this crowd, or you'll starve.
NC (vo): Fraser's thrown in prison with a ton of crazy minds who create great nightmares. Including Stephen King, who says Cujo stole his boy like Monkeybone did when he was in a coma.
King: I went through Hell to get that Exit Pass. And who got to use it? Cujo.
NC (vo): Yeah, I always wonder why Stephen King's last five books were just "Bark! Bark! Bark!". (The fake cover for Stephen King's "#1 National Bestseller", "Bark! Bark! Bark!", is shown)
King: (to Hypnos) How about that night light I asked for?
NC (vo): To make things weirder, that's the actual Stephen King playing himself in the movie.
NC: (smiling, shifts eyes slowly) Okay, it's not. But admit it, you were starting to IMDb that!
NC (vo): But Hypnos infiltrates Monkeybone's dream to remind him that this is all so he could spread more nightmares around the world.
Hypnos: We help him swipe your body, he helps us get a heap of brand-new nightmares!
NC: That's right. This guy who had maybe three minutes of screen time, he's our villain now!
NC (vo): Oh, there's so many complex motivations and personalities going on in this film. Like... (Hypnos' henchman, a humanoid rat guard, is shown entering) Why the hell Chuck E. Cheese genetically melted into Barf the Dog?
NC: This movie's asking questions that didn't need to be asked.
(Monkeybone/Stu sneaks into the hospital, wearing a hood)
NC (vo): So Monkeybone tries to find that nightmare juice brought up before and force it on people all over the world.
(A tango music starts playing as Monkeybone/Stu searches for Oneirix)
NC: Okay, if that poncho is indicating this is all a secret sequel to Unbreakable, I am totally opting out of the Shyamalan Cinematic Universe!
(Monkeybone/Stu encounters a female ape in the cage, who took a bottle with Onerix from Monkeybone/Stu. The ape prepares her lips for a kiss)
Monkeybone/Stu: Why don't you gave me a little preview?
(And they kiss, all to "Lovin' You" by Minnie Riperton! The caption "The writer of Batman!" pops up)
NC (vo): The writer of Batman, everybody!
NC: No, seriously.
(The sections of credits of both Monkeybone and Tim Burton's Batman showing the name of writer Sam Hamm are shown)
NC (vo): Sam Hamm, the guy who wrote Batman, also wrote this.
NC: I actually hate to say it, but it makes a little too much sense.
NC (vo): The villain wants to release a gas on everybody disguised in a giant cartoon, while a sexy catwoman comes in, suddenly decided she's in love with the main character...
(The scene of Monkeybone/Stu trying a Monkeybone burger, along with some toys on the tray, is shown)
NC (vo): ...and McDonald's wants to attach their Happy Meal rights to a franchise sure to have children wet their beds.
NC: Maybe [Michael] Keaton saved those movies more than I thought.
NC (vo): Give these movies credit, though: they didn't spend an entire 90 seconds congratulating themselves on a farting monkey doll.
NC: Oh, and you guessed right. I counted!
(Monkeybone/Stu tests out a toy of himself, which farts, prompting everybody in the room, including the people who presented the toy, smiling, laughing, and saying thanks to each other. NC, of course, isn't amused by this. Not changing the expression on his face, he slowly turns to Malcolm and Tamara snickering at this)
NC: (offscreen) Just for that, you get the button.
(A sound of a button being pressed is heard, and shortly after, a bomb explodes right in front of the kids! This quickly changes to a stand-by screen, with the caption "Please Forgive Our Great Vengeance and Furious Anger" on the left, and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) from Pulp Fiction looking scared on the right. We're back to the movie: Monkeybone/Stu uses the farting toy, which now has Oneirix inside it, on Stu's dog Buster)
NC (vo): Monkeybone tests a nightmare juice on the pet dog, giving it...what else? A nightmare.
(In Buster's nightmare, three giant cats are shown getting ready to cut the dog's balls off! One has secateurs, another a shotgun, and the last one has a pitchfork)
NC: (creeped out) Whoa. Cat videos on the Dark Web are creepier than I expected.
NC (vo): He (Monkeybone/Stu) puts with the gas inside a giant statue of his character, and...
(As the big piñata designed as Stu's face is being lifted to the museum's ceiling, Monkeybone/Stu climbs on the ladder and sings like an opera diva. NC is poker-faced)
NC (vo): (snaps fingers) "Homie the Clown". That was The Simpsons episode that had Krusty frame. God, it was driving me nuts. Oh, and that scene sucked.
(In DownTown, Miss Kitty, the catwoman Stu met before, comes in and unlocks the cell. The scene then jump cuts to Stu strapped to Death's table)
NC (vo): So, as mentioned, the cat lady breaks Fraser out of prison, only to immediately be caught again. They...don't even show him being caught. It's offscreen. So...why'd you have him escape at all?
NC: (singing to the tune of "The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppets Movie) Someday we'll find it / The screenplay's connection / The author's intention / Maybeeeee...
Death: I'm a simple person. I do an honest day's work. Why does everybody make it so hard for me?
NC: That is literally what Whoopi said after every day of shooting.
(Death releases Stu, gives him a big kick on his butt, and he flies up in the air, right in the Revive-O)
NC (vo): Fraser's sob story wins her over, though, so she sends him back via SNL actor trying way too hard.
(Stu awakens in the body of a gymnast (Chris Kattan) who has broken his neck and is having his organs donated)
Organ Donor Stu: Where am I?
NC: In a shot that could...
NC (vo): ...crop out their mikes better.
(The green arrow points to a microphone briefly visible near the top of the screen)
NC (vo): Chris Kattan is now playing our hero for a bit, and to be fair, his physical comedy is pretty good playing a gymnast whose neck is broken, so he has to keep finding ways to prop it up. This bit's been done literally to death, but he does pull it off okay.
NC: I'm just waiting to see...
(One of the surgeons is shown to be actually played by Bob Odenkirk)
NC (vo): ...where the Better Call Saul storyline is going to fit in.
(Cut to a clip from the aformentioned series, with Odenkirk as Saul Goodman)
Saul: (nervously) I, uh...
(At the charity event at the museum, Herb accidentally sprays Oneirix out of Monkeybone toy on his face and goes to the bathroom to wash it off)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Foley gets a whiff of the nightmare jucie from the farting Monkeybone toy.
Herb: Damn, what the hell is this stuff?
NC: Oh, look! It's what Henry Selick said after every rewrite.
(Herb notices a black-and-white reflection of himself in the mirror and sees his clothes and everything in the bathroom coming to life. Scared out of his wits, he throws off his clothes and runs out of the bathroom, totally naked)
NC (vo): He starts seeing his nightmares in real life, because, let's face it, this is all just an unused Freddy Kreuger script.
Herb: The clothes have turned evil! They're working together!
NC: You're really gonna regret that this was the film you went naked for.
Monkeybone/Stu: No, no, no! Herb, you ding-dong!
NC: Oh, excuse me. I almost interrupted the master.
Monkeybone/Stu: No, no, no! Herb, you ding-dong!
NC: Can I package your misdirection?
(After Herb runs away, followed by the police, Monkeybone/Stu comes up on stage, speaking in the microphone)
Monkeybone/Stu: Ladies and gentlemen. (chuckles) Forget about the naked man with the purple face.
(A rimshot is heard, and everyone in the museum laughs)
NC: (waves off, smiling) Ho-ho! That old joke!
NC (vo): But, wait. It's an early 2000s bad film. Dance number time!
(Monkeybone/Stu starts dancing and singing the song "Brick House" by Commodores)
Monkeybone/Stu: (singing) Everything that a woman needs...
NC: Oh, you forgot to ask...
(The scene is replayed in slow-mo, showing a shadow of a camera on Monkeybone/Stu when he walks to his left)
NC (vo): ...the shadow of the cameraman if he wanted to dance! Before he continues to be DOA, dated on arrival...
(Organ Donor Stu rushes to the museum, while doing some gymnastic moves, including front flips, on the run)
NC (vo): ...Kattan literally swings his way in, because...even though it's supposed to be Fraser's mind in there, he suddenly knows gymnastics! Honestly, give Kattan even more credit, though. He does pull off the only bit of believable emotion in the movie.
Organ Donor Stu: I had to come back, Julie. (sighs) I was happy, Julie. I really was. Just... try to remember me like that. Okay?
NC: He's giving a better Brendan Fraser performance than Brendan Fraser!
(Cut to Monkeybone/Stu and Organ Donor Stu having a fight at the top of a giant flying Monkeybone balloon. Keeping hold of the rope, Organ Donor Stu bumps into a bus)
NC (vo): But Monkeybone tries to stop him through... Rat Race's greatest hits...
NC: Though their green screen was more convincing than the special-effects film! (The clips of climaxes of both mentioned movies, which are taking place in the air, are shown below)
(Having died again, Stu and Monkeybone return to DownTown and fall into the hands of a giant mecha)
NC (vo): And they both get sent back to DownTown.
(It is revealed that the mecha is controlled by Death. She greets the two by scatting indistinctly)
Death: Hey! Hey, whoo! Hoo-hoo. Hey!
NC: (as Death) I was just practicing my fake excitement for when I had to do Theodore Rex. Did it seem real?
(With the help of Death, Monkeybone is put in Stu's head permanently. Stu goes back into his own body and reunites with Julie)
NC (vo): Monkeybone is left back in Fraser's mind, he goes back to the real world to be reunited with Fonda trying to pretend she gives a shit...
NC: (smiles, holding up both hands) And...let's go out on what we know was the funniest part of the movie...
(Herb is shown awakening in the fountain, still having the purple paint on his face and still naked. He speaks to the camera)
Herb: People! For the love of God, take off your clothes! Take off your clothes!
(NC doesn't say anything; he just scowls. After a few seconds, we go to the movie's footage as NC gives out his final thoughts)
NC (vo): Monkeybone is arguably the last of the dark, weird, wild and crazy movies that exists just to exist. There's a good reason it's the last one, though; because it's done horribly. While the visuals and imagination are stunning, the lack of focus on motivation, comedy, and even just fun are completely misdirected. (The promo poster for Coraline is shown) Thankfully, this director would do more projects that were just as dark and imaginative, but this time carried charm and intelligence along with it. As would more weird and dark movies that decided they want to be smarter, too. This just leaves you mentally numb, like a hot spatula pressing against your brain for a hour and a half. I'm glad other imaginative and likable ventures rose in the future, but this was certainly not one of them.
(NC notices that Aunt Despair and Creepy Dad have come in his studio. As always, Aunt Despair is holding a flask and has a cigarette in her mouth, while Creepy Dad is wearing a very obvious wig, with price tag still on, even!)
Creepy Dad: Okay, kids! It's time to go home.
(The kids turn from the whiteboard to see Aunt Despair and Creepy Dad. All four prepare to go off)
NC: W-Wait. You're related to those kids, then?
Creepy Dad: No.
Aunt Despair: Never seen them. No.
Creepy Dad: Come on.
(They leave along with Malcolm and Tamara)
NC: I have to ask more questions around here.
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Monkeybone/Stu: No, no, no! Herb, you ding-dong!