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May 29, 2012
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Remember when I said I didn't like the Flintstones cartoon? (he stands up to get out of the way of a falling safe, then sits back down) Obviously, you do. Well, there's another classic old cartoon that I also find I really can't stand: Mr. Magoo. (a tiny safe falls on his head, but doesn't hurt him) Obviously, not as big of a backlash.
(Clips of the cartoon Mr. Magoo play.)
NC (vo): He never did anything for me because it's basically just one joke: he can't see. The rest of the time, he just sort of smiles and looks happy, so there's no real comedic suffering on his part, or even that much to the people around him. He falls, he misses something, but he's always okay. Where's the comedy? How does that get a laugh?
NC: The only thing less funny than Mr. Magoo is giving him a ridiculous film budget to exploit how unfunny he is. Daah!
(Clips of the live action movie play.)
NC (vo): If you can't see what's wrong with this flick, then you're as nearsighted as this dumbass idea. You know the term, "if it's not broken, don't fix it?" Well, there's a term in the 90s that went, "if it's broken, Disney's found a screenplay." This was during their especially bad run of horrible live action movies, and trust me when I say this is certainly the topping flag of Shit Mountain. It was an age where ideas to make movies was at an all time low-- (followed by a picture of the movie Battleship)
NC: Well, almost all time low. Let's stumble into Mr. Magoo.
(The Disney logo comes on, followed by whimsical music.)
NC (vo): Wow, the first second--LITERALLY the first second of this film annoys me. Nah, there's only 5,492 to go!
(Cut to the cartoon opening of the show, with Mr. Magoo shouting at a plant that he mistakes for the secretary.)
Magoo: Good night, Mrs. Winterbottom! Ugliest hairdo I've ever seen.
NC (vo): I guess it figures that we'd start off with the cartoon during the credits, but honestly, it's kind of distracting that while Leslie Nielsen stars as Magoo in the movie, he doesn't do his voice in the credits. I know it's a nitpick, but it just sort of emphasizes the direct side-by-side comparison of how much these two DON'T have in common. (cut to a Popeye cartoon) It's like if in a Popeye movie, they start with a cartoon in the original voice but then suddenly cut to someone completely different.
(A harp is played to cut to Michael Clarke Duncan's head on Popeye's body.)
Black Popeye: Yo, I'm Popeye and shit!
NC (vo): We do finally get the live action version starring the late Leslie Nielsen, who's apparently a rich canned vegetable enterpeneur--God, there's so many--who donated a museum wing to a rare ruby.
(We now follow the main villain of the story, Luanne LeSeur (Kelly Lynch) and her dumb muscle boyfriend, Bob (Nick Chinlund.)
Bob: No, actually, it's corundum.
NC (vo): (pointing out her hat) What the hell is that woman wearing? Remind me who the nearsighted kook is in this movie? Her hat looks like a cartoon iris that got stuck halfway through.
(The Looney Toons theme plays as an iris closes on her hat, but then gets stuck.)
Iris: Ah, what the fucksauce?
NC (vo): We see Magoo look around the museum while...(he picks up a feather from a woman's hat and eats it, thinking it's an hors d'ouerve) Ohhh, he mistook something for something else! Well, let's hope that (mad) joke doesn't get old real quick!
Waldo (Matt Keeslar), Magoo's nephew, notices the girl in white
Waldo: Oh, my gosh. Would you look at that?
NC (vo): And no, your eyes aren't as bad as his. That is, in fact, Jennifer Garner. Pre-career, obviously.
Stacy: I am Stacy Sampanahoditra.
Magoo: This is my nephew, Waldo!
Stacy: Waldo Magoo. It is an honor.
NC (vo): Oh, God, what ethnicity do they have her mocking? With the vague accent, the weird hair, that Chinese crackerjack sailor suit. It's like the Kwizatz Haderach of stereotypes: it insults all races at once.
Magoo: May all of the exhibits in this hall shine with the light of human knowledge.
NC (vo): He tries cutting the ribbon, but ends up cutting an electrical cord. Tell me if this scene looks more cutesy or horrifying.
(Magoo cuts the electrical cord instead of the ribbon, causing all sorts of mayhem, including lights bursting)
Magoo: I didn't send for fireworks!
NC (vo): (sarcastically) Ha ha ha, a dozen people are in critical condition. Charming eye joke has dark consequences.
Magoo: Public telephone. Excuse me, sir.
NC (vo): He confuses a mummy's tomb for a telephone booth, and the door closes in behind him.
(The couple from before are now dressed in black, hooking up a cable on the skylight over the museum wing.)
NC (vo): Later that night, we see a children's stage play version of Catwoman and Bane trying to break into the museum to steal the ruby. (LeSeur dives down from the cable onto a Pterodactyl.) Luckily, she finds some Pee Wee's Playhouse dinosaurs to hide behind and she moves forward with the robbery. (While she landed smoothly, Bob ends up sliding along the Apatosaurus' back and crashing through the ruby case.) By the way, you ever notice how bad movies have really poorly designed museums? (showing the museum fight from Batman & Robin) Didn't Batman & Robin also have the same rare jewel/dinosaur/Egyptian art/exotic plantlife exhibit? A little cluttered, don't you think?
(Magoo is coming out of the tomb.)
Magoo: You stay right here, you're in no condition to--oh, man.
NC (vo): Magoo finally comes out of the tomb. Wait, he was in that box with the mummy for five hours? That's more than a vision problem, that's a mental psychosis. And the robbers get away by knocking the guard into the phony styrofoam exhibit. The next day, we see that Garner is so distressed that she put on her distraught Tylenol hat, and investigators come to look at the scene.
Stupak (Stephen Tobolowsky): Chuck Stupak, FBI.
Anders (Ernie Hudson): Gustav Anders, CIA.
NC: Ernie, no!
NC (vo): Goddamn it, I'm sick of you showing up in shit! You're a good actor! You have style and class! Please tell me you're doing stage work somewhere, I'll gladly see it just to apologize for the fact that you're in this dick demon!
Stupak: The CIA has no jurisdiction on American soil.
Anders: This could very well become an international incident.
Stupak: Not if you don't get in my way, fancy pants. Hm?
NC: Oh, no! (slams desk) No, no, no, you did not just "hm" Ernie Hudson! Okay, you say that in front of Chris Tucker, not at Ernie Hudson! (clip of Stupak going hm) Ernie, get him! (followed by a clip of Winston from Ghostbusters zapping Stupak's head into an explosion with a proton pack, followed by Critic going hm)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see the two robbers talk about last night's heist.
Bob: There's nothing in the papers. It's a trap! They're trying to lull us into a false sense of security, and then bust us when we make a careless move.
Luanne: That's yesterday's paper. (and wah-wah music follows)
NC (vo): That's right, folks. You just witnessed a film where they actually played the wah-wah-wah music. Little known fact, the composer actually killed himself three minutes later after being forced to write that piece. (and Critic shrugs with the last wah) She gets him to hand over the giant ring pop and kicks him off the boat, but he tries to take her down with him, and the jewel falls into Magoo's boat, who just happened to be passing by. This guy's like an unfunny duo seeking missile. (Magoo says something rather gibberish-y) They hope they can get back at the opera that night where Magoo is not only attending, but also...(confused) performing? Yeah, little confusing, seeing how we've never seen him sing, and it's never explained whether or not he can sing. In fact, according to this movie, Mr. Magoo is well-rounded enough to be put into any situation at any location, except what he actually does for a living! Yeah, his job allows him to do all this richie stuff, but we're never actually allowed to see what he does. He's said to be the canned vegetable king, wouldn't it make sense to have him in a canned vegetable factory, then? There's gotta be some comedic opportunities there. But no, fuck it, we got a castrated episode of "I Spy" to watch.
(Anders is talking to Stupak through an earpiece)
Anders: Just spotted a conspicuous white male. Dirty clothes, needs a haircut.
Anders: Look to your left. (Stupak does so and he's looking at a mirror, then back at Anders.)
NC: Oh, snap! You just got Hud!
(Back to the scene with a shredding guitar as the words "You've just been Hud" appear on the bottom with Ernie Hudson's face to the right)
NC (vo): The lady thief disguises herself and tries to get an interview with him, while the male thief is a little bit more direct.
(Bob is in costume in disguise, then takes a garrote wire out to slice a candle.)
NC (vo, as Bob): Just showing the audience what that does, okay.
NC (vo): But he can't get past his Loki horns and, big shock, he gets knocked out, which causes him to accidentally turn on a giant fan. (All sorts of stuff is blowing onto the stage, like a bouquet of roses into an actor's hand, as well as the prop snow. NC's now shouting over the fan.) YEAH! BECAUSE IF THERE'S ANYTHING EVERY OPERA PERFORMANCE NEEDS WITH THE SENSITIVITY OF THE SINGERS' VOICES, IT'S A GIANT, LOUD, HARD TO CONTROL WIND MACHINE!!
NC: WHY DON'T ALL OPERA HOUSES HAVE THIS?!
NC (vo): The next day, he meets up with the thief, still thinking she's a reporter, and she tries to put the moves on him.
Magoo: Prunella, huh? (he leans in for a kiss, eyes closed, but she instead puts a fish to his lips)
NC (vo): You know, this film is so dull and useless, I'm actually more interested in the backstory of the fish. (zoom in on the fish) Did he have a good life? Do you think his family appreciates what the sacrifice of his body is going into?
(Cut to two fish in the ocean, a male fish walking to the female.)
Female: Well, did you see what they did with Howard's body?
Male: (sadly) Yes, yes I did.
Female: Please tell me he's at least being used to feed a poor, starving family.
Male: No, he's...he's being used in a live action movie of Mr. Magoo.
Female: NOOOOOO-HO-HO-HO--Warner Bros. or Disney?
NC (vo): We also get a little info about that thief as well.
Stupak: It's Luanne LeSeur. The Black Widow. She kills all of her male accomplices, nobody's been able to finger her.
NC: What a shame. They die before they finger her? (a bit of music from Paul Shaffer and The World's Most Dangerous Band plays as NC acts like David Letterman) Yeah, yeah, I know! You like that, Paul? (cut to a clip of Paul Shaffer) You like that? Like that bit, Paul? You like it. High as a kite. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we will be right back with a Miss Penelope Cruz. (and the band plays him out as they go to commercial)
(We then come back from commercial with the band playing him in, NC still acting a bit like Letterman)
NC: Well, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has been in such movies as Vanilla Sky, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, (snaps back to normal, tossing the cards away) what the fuck am I doing? Back to the movie!
NC (vo): We see Magoo's nephew's getting friendly with Garner as he takes her out to get her dressed as...(we get a look at what Stacy's wearing) Bozo the Clown's underwear.
Stacy: Your government thinks Mr. Magoo stole the Star of Kuristan.
Waldo: And you? Do you think he did it?
Stacy: Waldo, I need your help.
NC (vo): Every time I see her, I'm insulted. I just don't know who I'm insulted for! What's that country Balki was from? Mypos? Yeah, I'm insulted for Mypos!
(A yellow Allimat Indian Cuisine delivery van pulls up with Stupak getting out of the van dressed as an Indian man, sitar music playing in the background.)
NC (vo): Finally, an ethnicity I can identify as being debased! Just throw Jeff Dunham or Carlos Mencia (pictures of them show up) in there, and the trio of unfunny, bad taste will be complete. So while everyone tries to break into his house and find the ruby, Magoo tries his best to rip off the Mr. Bean cooking scene. (the dog hits the remote which changes the cooking show to a workout program, making Magoo give the chicken a workout) Yeah, how long until he switches to the porno channel?
(NC's acting like he's working a chicken over.)
Cooking host (vo): Next, I want you to... (channel change)
Porno actress (vo): Put your big, long cock inside me.
NC (as Magoo): Well, okay, if it insists! (he then acts like he's humping the chicken as a ba-kaw sound is heard)
Trainer on TV: Lift those legs high into the air! (Magoo raises the chicken over his head) And dance! (and Magoo starts dancing) Come on, let's get your rear into gear!
NC (vo): (sigh) Do you think the chicken had a good life? Do you think his family appreciates what his body is being used for?
(We now cut to cartoon chickens.)
Female: Did you find Daniel's body?
Male: (sadly) Yes.
Female: So, are they putting him to good use?
Male: Well, you see, Disney--
NC (vo): The male thief grabs the jewel and drives off, leaving the rest of them to drive a giant...eggplant, I...
NC: I...(he reaches for a bottle of Leroux and a glass, quickly takes a shot and shouts) WHAT?!
NC (vo): Yeah, a giant eggplant! No, you didn't smoke anything, cause that would mean I would've had to have smoked it, too! This is the closest connection to his job that we ever get! Apparently, it's part of an eggplant delivery service. Well, no wonder he's so friggin' rich! With fucking ingenious ideas like that, I'm surprised Steve Jobs never picked this guy up! Eggplant delivery service--fucking inspired! I haven't been this impressed with an idea since a patient at the mental ward asked me if I wanted to buy a cloud!
(The eggplant truck goes off a ramp and onto a truck delivering cars.)
NC (vo): The thief gets away, but the woman convinces them that she's working for the FBI, and that she knows that the jewel is going to be auctioned off by a crime lord.
Luanne: Every billionaire gangster in the world is coming except the most powerful of them all, Ortega Peru, the Piranha. No one's ever seen him. He never goes anywhere. If we can get someone to impersonate Peru, we can get close to the gem and recover it.
Waldo: But who?
NC (vo): (sarcastic) Gee, why not the blind man who's proven time and time again that he's a constant threat to anything and anyone he comes across? Yeah, I'm down with this.
Bob: Mr. Peru never goes anywhere.
Magoo: That's right, I never go anywhere, so when I go somewhere, everyone thinks I'm nowhere when I'm really there.
NC (vo): So, they're under the impression that mobster billionaires are bad Guido Sarducci impersonators?
Guido Sarducci (vo; dubbing over Magoo): To be made a saint into the Catholic Church, you have to have four miracles. I understand two of them was a card tricks.
NC (vo): And now we take a look at just who's running this so'op, Malcolm McDowell! God, I've seen this guy in so many of my reviews, I should just have a warm glass from the Korova Milk Bar waiting for him.
Austin Cloquet (McDowell): When you've changed your clothes, these lovely ladies are waiting to serve you with chilled champagne in the solarium. Thank you. (Cloquet and the girls leave, then followed by the scene transitioning to a locker room where the gangsters are getting undressed.)
NC (vo): Daah! Apparently, there was another scene in that woman's ass! Hey, if someone told me the rest of this movie came out of someone's behind, I'd believe it.
Yakuza boss: Every time I kill a man, I tattoo his portrait on my body.
Columbian boss: I bet Peru's got some nice tattoos.
NC (vo): So Magoo takes the time to draw a tattoo real quick of... (looking at the tattoo, it's hard to see what it is) Okay, joke, you have to be more clear if we're not gonna laugh at you. We can't make out what that is! (zooming in on the tattoo) Is it a drawing of the Alamo? SpongeBob Spaceship? An explosion of pubic hair?
(Personally, I think it looks like a mariachi frog smoking a cigar.)
NC: Okay, movie, you're forcing me to look really close at wrinkly Leslie Nielsen chest! Not cool! Not--we're not on good terms right now!
NC (vo): But the female thief comes in and steals it for herself.
(Bob tries to get the ruby back from LeSeur, but gets kicked into the hot tub as Waldo looks on.)
NC (vo): Oh, good, the nephew will stop her. (and he just lets her go) Good job there. (Waldo busts through a window to see her in a silver bodysuit on a snowmobile taking off) Aw, jeez, what is with this woman's wardrobe? A Power Ranger uniform has more dignity than that!
(Magoo slides off on an ironing board.)
Magoo: It's as easy as pie!
Waldo: That's the wrong kind of board!
NC (vo): They have a little chase down the mountain in the middle of the women's snowboarding competition because...I guess Disney finds it funnier when women are hurt. But she ends up getting away while the rest are left cold!
(Bob is just about frozen solid as a cop comes up on him.)
MC (vo): And, if you can believe it, the film is still going. Really? I mean, you snuck into the hideout, you had the big chase, what's your motivation behind making more of this film? Do you think it's just punishment from the director? Like every time his kids act up, he would say, "knock it off or I'm adding another minute to Mr. Magoo?" (followed by kids going NOOO!) They find the thief in yet another disguise and try to figure out where she's heading to.
Waldo: This receipt is for Brazil. Why would she go to Brazil?
Magoo: She's going to Peru.
Waldo: She'd go to Brazil to go to Peru?
Waldo: But why?
Magoo: To get more for the ruby.
Waldo: Then why go to Brazil?
Magoo: Peru is in Brazil.
Waldo: Peru is in Brazil?
NC (vo): (exasperated) Just go there!
NC: God, I'll put you on the fucking plane myself! (he drags Magoo and Waldo onto the Gene Soucy biplane which then crashes into Brazil) Just go!
NC (vo): So they finally get to the damn place where yet another crime lord looks to possess the ruby.
Luanne: Do you have the $15 million?
(The crime boss, the real Ortega Peru, summons a goon who has a rather stuffed coat, who opens it up to reveal a vest full of money)
NC (vo): (sarcastic) Oh, gee, was he hiding something in that suit? I couldn't tell. While that's going on, Magoo seems to come across the 'little people in bad costumes' part of the house. (Magoo and Waldo are being chased by a baboon) Little trivia, before Game of Thrones, this was actually Peter Dinklage's most famous role. (a picture of Peter Dinklage is shown) He accidentally sneaks into the room of the bride who's about to get married and, yeah, you can all guess where this is going.
(Peru takes out the ruby, when Magoo lifts the veil.)
Magoo: Adios, amore! Noemo nacho (don't know if I got that right)! It wouldn't last! I never loved you!
(Magoo laughs and makes off with the ruby, tossing the bouquet.)
NC (vo, as Peru): Did John McCain just bust my wedding?
NC (vo): He escapes on a raft, but wouldn't you know it, it's just about to go over a waterfall. How the hell is he gonna get out of this?
(By movie magic, Magoo manages to glide to safety by holding the raft over his head and being lowered by the dress like he was Princess Peach in Super Mario Bros. 2, followed by massive boos.)
NC: Boo! I was promised an old man in a wedding dress going over a waterfall! This opportunity will never happen again! YOU DELIVER!
NC (vo): They get the jewel back, the nephew and the stereotype get together, we cut back to the shitty cartoon this was based off of, and, get a load of this, (a disclaimer pops up at the end) we get a disclaimer at the end saying that the film was never meant to insult anyone with poor eyesight. First of all, if you're going to apologize to anyone, apologize to the audience who now have to cut their dicks off in order to feel something. Second, if you're going to say something to the visually impaired, don't write it in tiny lettering that they probably can't read!!
NC: Mr. Magoo the cartoon isn't funny, Mr. Magoo the movie isn't funny, Mr. Magoo IS NOT FUNNY!
(Clips play as the review comes to an end.)
NC (vo): It's poor slapstick with a shoddy script and characters that aren't even attempted to be made interesting. Once in a while, there's a good stunt, but when you put a painfully obnoxious cartoon sound effect over it, it loses all comedic value. I wish I was as blind as a bat, so I wouldn't have to see this stupid ass piece of shit!
NC: If you excuse me, I'm gonna do the worst thing possible that I can think of: bludgeon an old, blind man to death! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!
(Cut to a building with the title Canned Vegetable Factory, everything's all audio, thankfully there's a fan animation that you can watch on YouTube. )
Magoo: Ah, it's time for another day of doing nothing at the canned vegetable factory.
(The door opens and NC comes in.)
NC: All right, you old bastard, you're gonna pay for that movie!
Magoo: Oh, well, what do we have here? It looks like the Nostril Critic.
NC: Haiya! (he somehow misses him) Whu wha?
Magoo: Ah, didn't think I could see, did ya? I'm just playing it up for the handicap sticker in my car. (he hits NC) I can see everything! (another hit to NC) Perfect 20/20 vision! (another hit) I can even see the blood as it spurts out your nose! (another hit) Ah, there it is. Delicious, yummy blood! (another hit as the credits start to roll) Most people don't know I'm actually quite a psychopath. (hit) They call me crazy, Mr. Nostril Critic! (hit) But would a crazy man strangle an orphaned girl because he thinks she's queen of the Moon People? (hit) Yes! Yes, he would! (hit) Ah, what do we have here? Ah, it's a pitchfork with your ass's name on it! Here, lemme give it back to you! (a loud crash) Ah, you like that, silly boy?
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Stupak: No one has ever been able to finger her.