DVD-R Hell - Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool
April 12, 2012
Brad: Some people have different ways of teaching others how to be somebody in life. For instance, I plan on teaching my kids that if you watch enough extraterrestrial porn, then people might laugh at you on the Internet. And that's... terrible advice. Which is why we're lucky (holds up a DVD labeled "Celebrity Instructions Vol. 1", which features Mr. T prominently) that we have Mr. T to properly teach our kids how to make something of themselves.
(Footage of the film with Mr. T is shown)
Brad (vo): It's Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool, just in case you thought Ted Danson speaking about abstinence was too forced, although if the credits are indication, Mr. T has been replaced by Sugar Ray Leonard. T has the right idea, though. (as Mr. T starts singing, a green arrow points to a sign reading "(???) Specialty Bead") Once I leave the bead shop, I too have the desire to sing.
Mr. T: (singing to a very '80s techno beat) Now, everybody's got that time to break, / But I'll give you the who and the (???). / With (???) his only guarantee / Is to make sure that he will be somebody!
Brad: (scratching his ear briefly) You hear that? With enough practice, you too can make your rapping slightly more unintelligible than Dolemite's.
Brad (vo): This song is already starting to speak to me. It's teaching me that with a little work, I can breakdance, breakdance and... breakdance...
Brad: That way, you can save the community recreation center, because your whole career will only consist of starring in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Brad (vo): Though there's a little more to the message here than just breakdancing. Why, you can surf down a slide, or miss a baseball. A lot of this imagery just looks like rejected A-Team ideas: B.A. Baracus goes undercover as a teacher, or a beach bum, or... punches ants at a picnic. Honestly, I'm getting mixed messages in these educational videos.
(Cut to a clip of Too Smart For Strangers)
Brad (vo): First Winnie the Pooh teaches me to stay away from strangers...
(Cut back to Mr. T's film)
Brad (vo): ...then this one teaches me to dance with them in the middle of the sidewalk.
Mr. T: (camera zooms in on him) Come over here. That's better. Now I can see you. You know me? Of course you do!
Brad: You're Mean Joe Green, obviously!
Brad (vo): Before we go any further, it's worth noting that if you have a gold allergy, best go home because you can't be anybody, let alone somebody. The first chapter is on shyness, where we see a little girl audition for a role.
Girl: (low voice, looking down, wringing her hands) This is a commercial for people who are–
Director: What? I can't hear you!
Girl: (slightly louder, trying to express enthusiasm) This is a commercial for people who are really shy.
Brad: Perfect! She can replace Sofia Coppola in Godfather, Part 3... I guess.
Director: Just forget it.
Girl: (angrily) No! You forget it! I was asked to do this commercial about shyness, and I'm gonna finish it!
Brad: Yikes! It's Julia Roberts at her first audition!
Girl: (looking directly into camera) You don't have to be shy. Everybody deserves to be heard, to speak up for yourself. Thank you. (to director, sharply) And thank you! (walks offstage)
Brad: There you go, girls, lesson one: be a bitch.
Brad (vo): Now we get to learn a little bit about roots.
Mr. T: (addressing a group of kids under a tree in a park) You can't know where you're going if you don't know where you're from. See this tree here? It's tall, big, beautiful and strong. But it wouldn't be here if it didn't have any roots.
Brad (vo): Yeah, sounds like a good lesson, but he actually thinks that tree is powered by VHS copies of the movie Roots. Quick, distract us from the analogies with another song!
Kids: (singing) If you want to make it, you've got to know who you are... / Part of your history...
Brad: Last time this many people worshiped a golden idol, Moses came in and stopped them.
Brad (vo): Girls, you're singing too clearly. I only understand when Mr. T is singing.
Offscreen voice: (singing) It's all up to you, so no matter what you do...
Brad: That voice: totally Mr. T's.
(A cameraman wearing a baseball cap reading "Hollywood" appears)
Cameraman: Be somebody!
Brad: Thanks, Uwe Boll!
Brad (vo): You know, so far in this special called Be Somebody, I'm seeing a lot of people failing. First, it's singing, (in a scene on frustration, Mr. T comes wearing a tux and holding a cello) then it's sitting in a chair.
(Mr. T holds up his cello as he starts to sit in the chair, but he is holding it awkwardly and the chair and him both fall on the floor)
Brad: Yeah, I guess if you want to be somebody, you do have to learn to... sit first...
Brad (vo): Next up, T teaches about anger, which normally is the result of sticking your fist in potato salad and swatting at a fly.
(During the scene in question, involving him with young people at a picnic, Mr. T angrily tries to swat a fly with a mound of potato salad and swinging a paddle around; the kids stare in surprise)
Brad (vo): (laughs) They're wishing for the dignified presence of Balki right now.
Teen girl: Be somebody! (dons a bowler hat)
Brad: Sorry, but I think Blossom was already cast.
Brad (vo): How about we get a little style on this show, perhaps?
Mr. T: Hey, everybody got to wear clothes. And if you don't, you'll be arrested.
Brad: Actually, that's not true. You should see some of the movies in my collection. People make good money for keeping their clothes off. So when these kids reach 18, they can become porn stars! (shrugs) Hey, it's somebody!
|DVD-R Hell Transcripts|
|2011:||Too Smart For Strangers · Heil Honey I'm Home · Rock It's Your Decision · Poochinski · How Can I Tell If I'm Really In Love? · Intergalactic Thanksgiving|
|2012:||Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool · Bibleman · Animalympics · Bugs Bunny's Thanksgiving Diet|
|2013:||The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer · Deception of a Generation (Part 1) · Deception of a Generation (Part 2) · Gary Coleman: For Safety's Sake · Return of the Ewok · Cavemen · Pagan Invasion: Halloween, Trick or Treat? · Pagan Invasion: Halloween, Trick or Treat? Part 2 · BC: The First Thanksgiving|
|2014:||Howard Cantour.com · The Day the Clown Cried · Casper & the Angels · Am I Normal? A Film About Male Puberty · Christmas Comes to Pac-Land|
|2015:||Tequila and Bonetti: Street Dogs · Tequila and Bonetti: Teach Your Children · Tequila and Bonetti: The Rose Cadillac · Tequila and Bonetti: Reel Life · Tequila and Bonetti: Runt of the Litter|
|2016:||Tequila and Bonetti: Language of the Heart · Tequila and Bonetti: Tale of the Dragon · Tequila and Bonetti: A Perfect Match|
|2017:||Tequila and Bonetti: Fetch This, Pal · Doorways to Danger · Tequila and Bonetti: Wonderdog|