August 24, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Hey, you remember “A Kid in King Arthur’s Court”?
(Clips from “A Kid in King Arthur’s Court” play as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Yeah! You ever wonder what the director of that movie did before he made that little masterpiece?
NC: (laughs) Well, not that much can really top “A Kid in King Arthur’s Court,” but he did manage to direct a few films before it. One of them, surprisingly enough, starring Hulk Hogan! This is “Mr. Nanny.”
(The title screen for that movie is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): Why do wrestlers continue to punish themselves by being in movies? They just so rarely work. And Hulk Hogan is the prime example of that. I mean, you thought “Suburban Commando” was bad? That at least had a few cute scenes. This is just the ass shavings of what was popular at the time! “Home Alone” slapstick, top secret plot devices, family life lessons, and big tough stars doing silly goofy things. All that’s missing is a pet Chihuahua with sunglasses!
(An image of a Chihuahua wearing sunglasses with the caption “Yo quiero Hulk Hogan!” above its head is shown briefly)
NC: But, hey, what good does it do to bitch about it? (Pauses) A lot! But I have a review to do. So let’s take a look at “Mr. Nanny.”
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So as the credits roll, we see that Hulk Hogan is having nightmares about back when he was a wrestler, probably like how nowadays, he’s having nightmares about “Mr. Nanny.” (Kamala the Ugandan Giant in Sean’s (Hogan) nightmare pushes him backwards, and Sean in the real world falls backwards in his chair) He wakes up to be greeted by a character named Burt, who I’m guessing just moved on up from the East Side to finally get a piece of the pie.
Burt Wilson (Sherman Hemsley): I just got a call from a major-major new client. He’s looking for a bodyguard.
Sean Armstrong (Hogan): I’m not a bodyguard. I’m a wrestler, okay?
Burt: Hey, wait, wait—!
Sean: I am a wrestler!
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Actually, I think this is how the offer for the movie went down, too.
(We are shown Sean and Burt walking and talking with each other as their conversation is dubbed over by NC)
NC (voiceover): (as Burt) I want you to do this movie! (as Sean) No! I’m a wrestler! (as Burt) Exactly! You’re an actor! (as Sean) I said I’m a wrestler! (as Burt) Ahhhh, they’re both the same thing!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So, of course, he takes the job, as he goes to meet up with his rich client: Max, from “The Muppet Movie.”
Max (from “The Muppet Movie”): You’re asking him to do something terrible. I can’t be a part of it.
(Sean arrives at the front entrance gate of his client on his motorcycle)
Security Guard: Where do you think you’re going?
Sean: I’m looking for Mr. Mason.
Security Guard: Get off the bike.
Sean: What for?
Security Guard: Just do it, butthead!
Butthead (from “Beavis and Butthead Do America”): Whoa!
Sean: Forget it.
Security Guard: Are you deaf or just plain stupid?
NC (voiceover): (as Sean) Neither! I’m blonde.
Sean: I've just got a real low tolerance for gorillas in rent-a-cop suits.
(The security guard provokes an attack by swinging his baton down on the bike, and Sean gets up to fight the guard, even going so far as to lifting him up and throwing him to the wall of the gate entrance kiosk; Another security guard comes, and Sean breaks off a piece of the gate barrier to use as a weapon)
NC: (voiceover): (laughs) Dude, just calm down! You’re not on “American Gladiators”! And even if you were, it’d probably get cancelled.
Alex Mason, Sr. (Austin Pendleton): (watches the fight scene from above) This is the bodyguard?
Frank Olsen: A terrible mistake, sir. Uh, I’ll get rid of him immediately.
Alex Mason, Sr.: Wrong. He’s incredible, obviously a real pro.
NC (voiceover): (as Alex Mason, Sr.) Yes, only a real pro would lose his temper, throw a rampage and be totally impossible to control. I see this working well.
Sean: (to the second security guard after he shoved his head through the gate entrance kiosk) So where’s Mason’s office?
NC (voiceover): So we see the reason he hires Hogan is because he’s getting attacks and phone calls from your average psychotic criminal genius.
Alex Mason, Sr.: (calling on the phone) Who the hell are you?
Tommy Thanatos (the movie’s villain): Just your average psychotic criminal genius.
NC: You think it says that on his business card?
Thanatos: I desire your new computer chip.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, there’s a top secret computer chip in this movie. Apparently, it has information on a gun that can shoot any kind of missile imaginable. Is it me, or is this sounding like a story a ten-year-old boy would come up with?
NC (voiceover): (speaks higher pitched as a ten-year-old boy) And there’s an evil genius, who wants a top secret microchip that can shoot down missiles by using Mr. Freeze’s gun, and then HULK HOGAN comes in! But... (laughs) he’s wearing a tutu and acting all girly. And then Mr. Jefferson comes in, because my mom really likes “The Jeffersons” and would like to see him in my movie film. AWESOME!!
Alex Mason, Sr.: (to Sean) You’re supposed to guard my kids.
Sean: Whoa! You out of your mind? I hate kids.
Alex Mason, Sr.: Listen, the children have a nanny. All you have to do is protect them.
NC (voiceover): So he meets the two little kids, one named Kate and the other named Alex, who I swear to God is a heavier version of the kid from “Kazaam", isn’t he? (An image of Max and Kazaam from "Kazaam" is shown briefly)
Alex, Jr.: Apparently, Miss Kopalsky had a short circuit in her blow dryer.
Alex, Sr.: Oh, this is very bad. Now the agency won’t send us any more nannies.
NC (voiceover): So now Hogan has two jobs: bodyguard and nanny. A…MR. Nanny, if you will! Oh-HO! Oh, the idea of a male nanny nowadays! Ah-HA! Preposterous! But it’s okay. He has help from the maid, played by an actress named Mother Love.
(Sean sneaks a peek at a pie, and we see a meat cleaver being slammed down near where his face is and is held by the maid)
NC: (creeped out) Who obviously shouldn’t have that name!
Corrine (the maid): What are you doin’ in my kitchen?
Sean: I’m Sean Armstrong.
Corrine: (hands Sean two cans of food) Here, make yourself useful. (Hands Sean a pair of cans) Top shelf, Lurch!
NC (voiceover): Ohh, just put a bow on her and call her “Precious.” (The movie poster for “Precious” is shown) N-No, not that “Precious,” but…that was a good movie. (Back to the movie) So he enters his room where he sees a wire was mysteriously laid out across the floor.
(As Sean crawls along the floor to trace the source of the wire, we hear the Underground theme from Super Mario World in the background)
NC (voiceover): (as a documentary narrator) Here you will see the Hulk Hogan trying his best to turn his primitive wheels and overcome the obstacles of everyday appliances. (Sean opens the closet to let loose a bowling ball from the top shelf and fall onto his head before he collapses forward onto the floor) The everyday appliances...win.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So, yeah, as you may have guessed, the kids set up traps all along the house for him. Like I said, “Home Alone” was very popular at the time.
(The whole family is at the dinner table, and Sean comes to join them)
Alex, Sr.: Are you all right?
Sean: Never better. (Once he sits down in his chair, we hear glass shattering, and he reaches down to pull out a piece of broken glass to show to Kate, who is sitting next to him)
NC (voiceover): Dude, that was fucking glass! That’s not funny! You should go to a hospital!
Alex, Sr.: I’ll tell you what, after we eat, why don’t we all go out and get some ice cream?
Alex, Jr. and Kate: Yeah!
(We hear a phone ring, and it’s coming from Alex, Sr.)
Alex, Jr.: Dad, you’re beeping.
NC (voiceover): (as Alex, Sr., who takes a look at some phone-like device) Ohh, it’s my douche-o-meter. It says I'm to neglect you kids and let you down ‘til the climax of the movie. (Alex, Sr. stands up to leave) Well, can’t fault an overused formula! Later.
Alex, Jr.: (gets up to leave the table) Come on, Kate.
Kate: (gets up to leave as well) I’m not hungry anymore.
NC (voiceover): So even though the father is never around, and the mother died of the fatal off-camera disease, we see the kids manage to keep…some hobbies.
(Sean peeks into a room that looks like a scientific laboratory where the kids are working on experiments)
NC: (as Dexter from “Dexter’s Laboratory,” shaking his fist) Tell Dee-Dee to stay out of my room!
NC (voiceover): So after the kids annoy him some more, Hogan talks with Burt to see if he can get out of the job. Again, listen to this and tell me they’re not talking about Hogan acting in this movie.
Burt: You wanna spend the rest of your life getting your brains kicked in, suit yourself! But let me clue you in on something: ex-wrestlers aren’t exactly in demand, you know! I mean, who else is going to offer you a career?
NC: Kind of eerie, isn’t it?
NC (voiceover): So it turns out the kids are devising more traps that even Jonny Quest couldn’t figure out, as they hook up a giant magnet to the ground.
(Cut to Sean doing bench presses, and the two kids are outside using a magnet to mess around with the magnetism between the weights and the magnet they placed on the ground, making Sean do bench presses at a fast pace. We then cut to a quick clip from the 1936 film “Reefer Madness” of Ralph and Blanche at the piano; Blanche is playing the piano and Ralph is smoking and getting high)
Ralph: Faster! (pause) Faster!
(Cut back to the movie where the barbell flies high up to the ceiling, and Sean gets out of the way before the barbell comes crashing down onto the bench press machine and destroying it)
NC: (chuckles) It’s funny 'cause he almost died.
(Cut to Sean getting out of a locker room shower stall and seeing a black box that has a wire attached to a device outside the room; one of the kids flips a switch to activate the black box that shocks Sean with electricity; the kids smile with delight as Sean is electrocuted)
NC (voiceover): Uh, you know, there’s a difference between pranks and attempted murder. I mean, Jesus, kids! This is some creepy shit!
Alex, Jr.: It’s only low voltage. It can’t kill him.
NC: Oh, okay, I guess it’s not that bad.
Kate: (smiles) Then crank it up.
(NC is surprised to hear this as Alex, Jr. cranks up the voltage, shocking Sean more severely; cut to black before we see an image of a cemetery)
NC: OK, OK, that didn’t happen, but it might as well!
NC (voiceover): These kids are sick! It’s not like in other movies where the kids are just defending themselves. This is disturbing! Really, really disturbing!
NC: I mean, it’s like these kids are sadomasochists or something.
Alex, Jr.: (to his father) We destroyed the bike, wrecked the room, and almost killed Sean.
Kate: Are you gonna punish us?
NC: (looks disturbed and confused) They…want to be punished?
NC (voiceover): All right, I’m not gonna read any more into this than I need to, though something tells me I’m gonna need to. The two kids go to school as Hogan realizes that Alex is being picked on by a pair of bullies all the time. Yeah, because he can take on a seven-foot bodybuilding wrestler, but put him up against a human mullet and a kid whose sweaters are knit by his mentally insane grandma, and he chickens the fuck out!
Sean: (watches Alex, Jr. getting picked on by the bullies) I hate bullies. (He starts to approach them)
Kate: (stops Sean) You’ll only make it worse!
NC (voiceover): [You] dumbass kids, you have a fucking Hulk Hogan, and you don’t even know what to do with him! That is, unless they consider drowning him in a pool of red dye is using him productively.
Sean: (is covered in red dye and being angry with the two kids at home) That’s it! I’ve had it!
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Oh, my God! This is a visual you see on the back of horror movie DVDs.
NC: In fact, this is a perfect time to introduce you to a new part of the show… (Close-up on his face as we hear a gong and he talks in slow motion; “Scary Slow-Mo” appears onscreen) SCARY SLOW-MO! (He speaks normally) This is where I take a certain part of a movie that’s…already a little creepy, and slow it down to make it even creepier! With that said, let’s take a look at this scene in slow-mo.
Sean: (speaking a little demonically to the two kids in slow-mo as the footage is slowed down) No more games! No more tricks! You’re gonna sit here until I tell you to get up! From now on, you're gonna act right! ‘Cause I…ain’t…leavin’!
NC: Yeah, your pants feel a lot heavier, don’t they?
NC (voiceover): So Hogan decides to punish the kids for the first time since their mother died, much to their…disturbing delight.
Alex, Sr.: (after coming home and walking in with Sean to the living room and is happy to see the kids) Hi, Alex, hi, Kate.
Kate: (smiles) We’re being punished.
NC: (as Kate) We originally wanted whips and chains, but he thought the couch was much more fitting.
NC (voiceover): So, of course, he (Sean) starts bonding with the kids, as he shows Alex how to be much tougher and sings a lullaby to Kate.
Kate: (is in bed ready to go to sleep) Mommy used to sing me a song. Could you sing it to me?
Sean: I got a terrible voice.
(NC reacts with a disturbed shudder)
NC: …I think this needs another scary slow-mo.
Kate: (speaking a little deeper with the footage slowed down) Sing!
NC: OK, OK, you have enough nightmares for the week.
NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, the father is kidnapped by that average psychotic criminal genius, as Hogan invites Burt over to quote-unquote “double security”. ‘Cause nothing’s more threatening than a black Yosemite Sam.
Burt: (about his injured leg) You should have seen the blood pumping out! Ka-bloom! Ka-bloom! Ka-bloom!
NC (voiceover): Hogan actually ends up telling the kids why Burt has a limp leg, as we cut to a flashback.
(Cut to a flashback after a wrestling event and Burt and Sean are in a break room)
Burt: (counting his money) Nice match, champ! Now we can pay the hotel and get your clothes back.
(Thanatos busts into the room; he appears a little goofy, especially with the thick afro)
NC (voiceover): (laughs at the sight of Thanatos) Oh, my God!
Thanatos: I ordered you to throw that match!
NC: (laughs hard) He-he looks like he’s coming out of his mom’s vagina! (He laughs even harder by slapping a hand on his desk a couple times before calming down and raising his head) Vagina.
(In slow-motion, we see Thanatos raise a gun to aim at Sean)
Burt: Look out!
(He dodges in front of Sean before Thanatos fires, and the bullet hits Burt in the leg)
NC (voiceover): Ah, now we’ve gone from scary slow-mo to…a really dumb scene.
Burt: Get him!
NC (voiceover): So Hogan chases him (Thanatos) down and…is it me, or are they playing “I Will Survive”?
(While Sean chases after Thanatos, we hear bits of thrilling music that is similar to the song “I Will Survive”; as they both fight on a rooftop, we hear NC sing to the tune of “I Will Survive” a la Gloria Gaynor)
NC (voiceover): (sings like Gloria Gaymor) Oh-oh-oh, I…I'll survive the movie! It’s a stupid flick, they suck like dick, keep the shit away from me! I should have tossed this stupid film; I should go and sue Netflix. I will survive! I will survive—(Thanatos swings an axe at Sean, but Sean ducks out of the way for the villain to fall off) Whoop! Wish I was that guy.
(Back to the present day)
NC (voiceover): So the two of them continue to watch the kids’ backs, as Alex is again approached by the school bullies.
Burt: (stops Sean with his cane) He’s gotta do it on his own!
Bully #1: (while he and the other bully examine a rope that’s attached to the electric black box) Did Mommy put this on a string so Alex wouldn’t lose any more money?
Alex, Jr.: Don’t you talk about my mother!
Bully #1: What’cha gonna do—? (He gets shocked as the other bully runs away; he ends up running away as well)
NC (voiceover): (as Bully #1) Oh, my God, who am I? I can hear colors. My penis is numb. HELP ME!
(As NC speaks, we see Sean hang out with Kate and participate in her activities, including having a tea party and performing ballet while wearing a tutu)
NC (voiceover): (normal) So in this movie’s quest to emasculate Hulk Hogan, we now see him having a tea party and wearing a tutu. Why? Because they thought it’d look great on the poster, obviously!
(A few bad men bust the front door of the house down)
Sean: (to the two kids while wearing his tutu) Don’t move!
NC: (gets interested) Oh, boy! I’d pay good money to see Hulk Hogan fight in a tutu.
(Sean starts fighting the bad men while in his tutu)
NC (voiceover): (as Sean, speaking in a higher pitch) Nobody interrupts my Swan Lake recital! (Sean tosses Bad Man #1 across the room) Don’t make me get majestic on your ass! (Sean punches Bad Man #2; cut to him punching Bad Man #3 in the face, but it does nothing) You vicious brute! (Sean punches him again in the chest, still nothing) Masher! (Sean punches one last time in the chest, still nothing) Uhm…help.
Alex, Jr.: (to Kate after sneaking out behind the couch) Get the alarm. (Bad Man #3 takes Sean and tosses him across the room)
NC (voiceover): (as Sean, still speaking in a higher pitch) And twirl! (NC sings in a high pitch as Sean slowly gets up) Sometimes, it’s hard to be a wo—(Bad Man #2 kicks Sean, knocking him down) OOH!
Bad Man #1: (to Bad Man #3 after capturing Alex and Kate from upstairs) What about him?
(Bad Man #3 looks over to where Sean is, who is on the floor and not moving)
NC (voiceover): (as Bad Man #3) Let his box office records eat him alive.
Bad Man #3: Business before pleasure.
NC (voiceover): So we see that the name of our villain is Thanatos.
(Cut to an image of Xanatos from the “Gargoyles” TV series and his smile glistens in the light with a “Ding!” sound)
NC (voiceover): No, not that one. (Cut to Thanatos) This guy. The vagina-faced guy, who now has a bowling ball for a head.
Burt: Thanatos! I should have known. Who else would kidnap little children?
NC: …A lot of people!
NC (voiceover): So after the family is intimidated by Friar Schmuck, we see Hogan accept a ransom call demanding him to bring the computer chip. Oh, yeah, ‘cause we wouldn’t want to do anything stupid like TELL THE POLICE or anything! This is clearly a job for an ex-wrestler in a tutu! Anyone can see that!
(Cut to Sean riding off on his motorcycle to rescue the family)
NC (voiceover): So he breaks into the place as we partake in the movie’s climax.
(As Sean fights off the bad guys, Burt takes a shotgun that’s lying around, places it between his legs, and uses his toes to fire the gun and destroy the rope that’s binding his hands together; He succeeds and escapes)
NC (voiceover): Uhhh, yeah. I think your hands would be about as healthy as the Skywalker’s family after that stunt.
(Bad Guy #3 takes Sean’s head and dunks it in a tub of water)
NC (voiceover): (as Alex, Sr., who comes up to attack Bad Guy #3) Don’t you dare touch that dangerously unbalanced woman! (Alex, Sr. gets elbowed in the face by Bad Guy #3)
(Alex, Jr. takes a remote and starts off a crane that grabs for Bad Guy #3 and carries him away)
Alex, Jr.: Hang out, Wolfy Baby.
NC: Oh, Lord. This is making me beg for the comedic genius of “3 Ninjas.”
(After Sean gets beaten by Thanatos and passes out, we briefly flashback to a wrestling scene very much like Sean’s dream at the beginning of the film)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, remember those nightmares from the beginning? I guess fighting a metal-lobed Geico caveman is the only way to overcome them.
Alex, Sr.: (simultaneously as he approaches the machine) We can generate electricity!
Alex, Jr: (simultaneously) Intense! A super conducting magnetic beam!
(An electrical solid beam shoots out from the machine, and Thanato’s metal head gets attached to the beam; the beam spins him around in a vertical circle)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) What the hell am I looking at? You know, for a film with a premise about a male nanny, I really didn’t expect some of this imagery.
(Thanatos is thrown upward by the beam through a window in the ceiling before we cut to the metal covering that was on his head landing on the ground and spinning around)
NC (voiceover): So the bad guy is destroyed, the family’s, of course, one again, and Hogan goes to spread his endearing love of children somewhere else.
Sean: (after starting up his motorcycle and nodding once to the two kids) See you soon.
Kate: (waves goodbye) Bye, Sean.
(As Sean leaves on his motorcycle, we see that it is attached to a wire; before the wire reaches its end, we hear the song “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” from “Mary Poppins” in the background)
Background Singers (from “Mary Poppins”): Oh-oh-oh, let’s go fly a kite! Up to the highest height! Let’s go fly—
(The wire has reached its end, and the motorcycle stops, causing Sean to fly into the air and scream; freeze-frame on Sean flying as we get NC’s caption, “Sean Armstrong died immediately on impact. The children are now in an institute for the criminally insane. Max never did another Muppet movie.” The film fades to black)
NC: So that’s “Mr. Nanny.” And what a surprise, it sucks.
(Clips from the movie are played again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): There’s little to no jokes that work, the characters are pretty much just puppets, and it’s just another in those long line of cheap kids films about the big tough guy who has to look after little tough children.
NC: Hogan, I love you, but if you want to make people laugh, go back to reality TV! (Pauses) Or wrestling. Th-They’re both equally fake. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
“5 Points for whoever got the “What’s Up Doc?” reference.”
Channel Awesome Tagline—Kate: (speaks deeper as the footage is played in slow-mo) Sing!