And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Muppets Most Wanted."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
SPOILERS! YAAAAAAAAY!!! (proceeds to Kermit flail across the room, yelling in sped-up footage)
There's this frog named Constantine...
Who, apparently, is so evil, they named him after a bad Keanu Reeves movie.
And the bad news is: he looks exactly like another frog...
Garrison Keilor. (quick photo of him appears about Chester's left shoulder)
But also KERMIT!!!
Oh, my God, what are the odds of that happening?!
Except in (counting them off) The Prince and the Pauper, / Ernest Goes to Jail, / and 100% of every '80s and '90s cartoons that ever came out.
So Constantine teams up with Ricky Gervais...
Who has the diabolical plan of doing his humor once without pissing people off!
Or, as he likes to call it, "The Emmys: Take 2." (holds up two fingers)
And they plan to take Kermit and replace him with Constantine.
(leans in) Why?
So they can use their world tour as a cover to spend lots of money to get lots of reviews and pack the seats to steal lots of money, which, apparently, they already have.
Oh, no!! What are the Muppets gonna do?!
Well, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say A LOT OF FOURTH WALL JOKES!
(kneeling out of shot, he holds up his hands and pretends they are Muppets) "Hey! Did you know that we're Muppets, and we're in a Muppet movie?!" "Well, yes, I did!!" (his hands then "look" around for a few seconds because they have nothing left to "say") "That's, like, 90% of our material, folks."
So they take Kermit, and they throw him in a great big prison in Russia.
And the security guard, Tina Fey, is like:
(looks down screen-left) "Welcome to my failed Saturday Night Live character."
(looks up screen-right, as Kermit) "Oh, no! What are you going to do to me?"
"An out-of-nowhere song sequence, followed by a bajillion cameos."
"Oh, so you mean, like, every scene before this?"
But it turns out Tina Fey has the massive hots for Kermit the Frog!
Which is unlikely, seeing how if they don't allow homosexuality in Russia, I doubt they'll allow amphibianality.
Which... sounds like a Mortal Kombat finishing move.
(a quick edit sequence of Chester firing off a stock MK move screen-right to his opponent - himself screen-left - which turns him into a "muppet")
(as "Muppet") "Oh, no! Now I look like Garrison Keilor!"
But Constantine has to distract the rest of the Muppets, so he asks Miss Piggy to marry him.
Which I... thought they already did in Muppets Take Manhattan.
Or is that just part of the show?
Well, even if it was, haven't the Muppets, like, met themselves twenty times in these movies?
Everyone's upset about Spiderman rebooting! They never point out that the Muppets reboot every sequel!
It's like a kids' version of the Evil Dead movies!
Which might be an oxymoron, the more I think about it.
But then the Zach Braff out-of-place Muppet points out that Constantine isn't Kermit.
And so, they go to the Russian prison and break him out!
And Tina Fey is like:
(with fists raised) "Noooo! My one and only love! I will invade any country necessary to find him-"
(he's suddenly interrupted by these captions, voiced by... himself') "This joke has been abandoned due to the fact that I never watch TV and was not aware of current events." "I was not aware that Putin himself is actually a frog."
So Miss Piggy is about to marry Constantine when she finds out that Kermit comes in.
And she's like:
(looks to his right) "Kermit #1, are you Kermit?"
(screen-left, as Constantine) "Of course I am, even though I sound like bad Borat impressions."
(looks to his left) "Kermit #2, are you Kermit?"
(screen-right, as Kermit) "As long as you ask me not to marry you, keeping one of the most bizarre cockteases going on in puppet history."
(as Constantine, raising his palm) "High five."
(as Piggy) "HIII-YAH!!" (Piggy punches Constantine in the face)
So it looks like the day is saved, but then evil Tina Fey comes in.
"I am here to be tagged-on threat!"
(as Kermit) "Well, we'll fight you with our obvious moral lessons."
"Will it be dragged out past four minutes?"
"Isn't it always?"
"Oh! Maybe Russia can find it in its heart to have compassion and kindness for all of God's living creatu-"
(again, interrupted by captions) "Again, TOTALLY didn't watch any TV recently." "They can be hilarious as Rocky 4 was supposed to be a comedy."
So the Muppets do one more show in Russia, / all the cameos are horribly CG-ed on a wall, / and nobody ever questions what happened to Jason Segel or Amy Adams.
So this Muppet movie was really funny. It's like: the first one had a lot of heart, like the first Muppet movie; and this one had a lot of jokes, like the second Muppet movie.
Which means (starts to get worried) the third Muppet movie should probably be mediocre.
Then they'll start ripping off literary classics, / destroy the franchise by going into space, / pour dirt in the grave with horrible TV specials, / make a comeback on Youtube, / and then, it all starts over again!
Wow, I think I just figured out what The Rainbow Connection is!
(counts them off) The lovers, the dreamers, and repeats!
Hey, as long as you use that Tim Curry Muppet again, I'm set!
You mean, that wasn't a Muppet?
I will never believe that.
This is Chester A. Bum saying, "CHANGE! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!!" Come on! I can get some celebrity cameos! Pauly Shore usually asks me for money.