My Baby is Black!

My Baby is Black!
Release Date	June 5, 2013
Running Time	20:35
Previous Review	Heartbeeps
Next Review	Souperman
Tagline	Ooo, scandalous!
Link	http://www.thecinemasnob.com/the-cinema-snob/my-baby-is-black/

The Cinema Snob: Boy, do I need a break this week. No heavy subjects like enema rape or torture or animal cruelty or Nazis or German chainsaw massacre... Let's just find something easy and non-controversial.

Trailer for...

Narrator: Nothing you've ever seen before, and nothing you've ever heard before, will prepare you for the shock of... (After the mother gives birth, we see the title) MY BABY IS BLACK!

Snob: OH, GOD DAMMIT!!!

OPENING SEQUENCE

Snob: Hey, don't worry about me. I'm not gonna be walking on eggshells making fun of this thing. After all, the not-so-subtle trailer sure as hell didn't.

Snob (VO): Watching this trailer, you would think that this woman was giving birth to the fucking Unborn! And not even the Unborn, but The Unborn 2 – that movie was terrible! And what was the intended reaction from the audience supposed to be here? It kinda seems like it's trying to deliver William Castle-like scares, as if a rubber baby is gonna drop out of the audiences' seats. And what is with the exclamation point? The title obviously seems to be spoken by our lead female character, so my question is, why does she seem surprised that her baby is black? Like the exclamation point in the title suggests.

Snob: Maybe she's the one who wrote this question on Yahoo Answers: (Reading from a piece of paper he pulls out of his jacket) "My boyfriend and I are white but our baby looks black. Why? Could he have cheated on me?" ...that's a real question. Thanks, America! (Smiles as he puts the paper back in his jacket)

The same birth scene, this time in the movie proper

Snob (VO): And in case you missed the trailer, don't worry. It's also the opening scene. Way to ruin your movie's twist in the trailer AND in the opening scene! (Very dark footage is presented) It's kinda dark out here… Are you sure the baby is black, 'cause I can't really see anyone. It could just be TNT Jackson turning off the lights over a fight scene. (Cut to a sign portraying a nurse saying "Silence!...;" The Snob lowers his voice) Oooh sorry, sorry. Apparently I'm supposed to keep the birth a secret. (normal voice) Then why are you shouting in the opening title?! (On a sign reading "Entrée Interdite") Huh? Oh no, My Movie is French!

Snob: Actually, that works for me, because there would be an endless supply of voiceovers, mood lighting, and images of skeletons next to pretty flowers.

Cut to a doctor dressing up

Snob (VO): Wait, why is that doctor naked? That's weird but... HEY, why is he also smoking? Yeah, go ahead – keep putting protection on him. We wouldn't want anything contaminating this delivery room, like a cigarette. (the doctor spits it out) Ah, goddamnit, where did he just spit that into? Slow down, movie. Jesus! You're giving me way too much to work with too fucking fast! By the way, is this a hospital or the fucking Dharma Initiative? This doesn't look like a labor scene. It looks like The Brain That Wouldn't Die 2: My Brain is Black. (The patient screams) Well that's really shitty gas you're using. (The black baby is born) And what was the conversation like with the actual parents of that baby? (As the director) "We wanna use your newborn in our movie My Baby is Black!" (As the mother, while we cut to the poster) "Ooookay, but what's with the exclamation point?" (As the director, and over the titles) Oh, that's our mistake. It's supposed to be a smiley face. (More film footage) The rest of the film is showing how her baby came to be black, I guess – because I'm stupid and don't know how that possibly could've happened.

Daniel: Not much money.

Françoise: Well, come on. I'll pay for our lunch today.

Snob (VO): Holy shit, My Movie is Dubbed! And by lunch he means they're going to the school cafeteria. The first meeting of lovebirds Daniel and Françoise could been shown with dialogue but fuck that, let's use some music.

Very strange music is playing as we see Daniel and Françoise creepily smiling at each other

Snob (VO): (Over stills of the two leads) Okay, her look says "I'm attracted to you," but his look says "I wanna eat you for breakfast." (A flashback begins) Whoa, switching gears. Are we flashing back some more?

Professor: (As he approaches a black kid with candy) Hello there, have a bon-bon.

Snob (VO): I'm not really sure what Rafe Van Patten has to do with anything, but carry on.

Woman: (Conversing with the professor) We give them decent houses so they can live like people, not animals. Give them real houses and they'll make pigsties out of them. Besides, they're sneaky and liars.

Snob: Hey, that's racist!

Woman: Miserable! They should be isolated and disinfected too.

Snob: Jesus, make up your mind. Do you wanna shelter them or do you wanna exterminate them? Well, at least nowadays that kind of inconsistency and racism can mostly just be found in the Fox Nation comments. Ooooooh!

The camera zooms out, revealing a dark classroom watching a film

Snob (VO): What the fuck, is-- is this movie going meta on me? What the hell kind of class is showing My Baby is Black!?

Professor: (As he gives a lecture to the class) For them, the North African, the Negro... can never be anything but inferior.

Snob (VO): (As another character walks in) Oops, oh boy. Did I ever walk in on the wrong part of this conversation. I don't know about this class; I think the professor just uses it as an excuse to say racial slang in public.

Professor: Practically speaking, we could equally well have used any racial minority as victims. The yellow race, for example; the yellow peril.

Snob: I'm not sure they like to be called that, but I can find out next time I feel like saying something racist in public.

Professor: Is any race on Earth superior? (Suddenly, the film cuts to a city at night, with car horns blasting)

Snob (VO): Hey, why are you cutting away? I wanna know the answer to that! It's Crab People, isn't it? Crab People are our most buttery race. But way to distract us from your movie's unanswered question with bright, flashy lights (Cut to another person painting "MORT AUX JUIF" on the wall) and paint can graffiti. I actually had to look this up on Google Translate to know that he's writing "death to Jews."

Snob: Mainly because I needed context for what's about to happen next.

Attacker 1 (VO): What did the Jews do to you, stupid?

Snob (VO): What, no, no! (As people gang up on him) I, I was writing "Jean-Luc Loves Coca Cola BlāK!" Could it be possible my French teacher fucked with me?

Snob: Oooohhh, this is gonna get ugly!

Attacker 1: (While gently slapping the painter with a glove, after shining a light on him) Take that!

Snob: (Confused) That was only slightly less menacing than a literal slap on the hand.

The three are now inside

Snob (VO): Ooohhh, don't worry, I'm sure it's gonna get uglier.

Attacker 2: There! Looking for a poke in the ribs?

Snob: Oh, good work, you poked him! I don't if you're trying to attack him or if you're trying to start up a conversation with him on Facebook!

Snob (VO): But a good ol' ass-painting should learn him! (Back to our leads) That AND free food and a jaunty musical number.

Man on Guitar: (Whilst strumming his instrument) La, la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la... (This goes on and on)

Snob: Someone fuck someone, please!

Françoise: Oh, but it's so early, Paul!

Paul: Not for me. You have reason to stay up. (Random pan to another scene of heavy traffic)

Snob (VO): Dammit, again with the awkward cutaways with sirens in the background! This movie needs to slow down or it's gonna keep getting pulled over for speeding. (Back to Paul and Francoise) Oh, and they're in love now! Thought I should tell you that since the movie does a shitty job setting that up. One minute they meet and then the next, "yep, we're totes in love." (Cut to...) But I can understand Daniel and Françoise not having a lot of conversation, because we need to show the all-important shaving scene.

Man: (Speaking to Daniel) I wonder why you shave like that. You don't have any more beard than a hen's egg.

Snob: (Confused) What? Dammit, you can't use a comparison like that in a movie like this, because I can't tell if that's racist.

Snob (VO): You know they're in love though, because look; love-montage! Except that they don't have the rights to use "We Have All the Time in the World," unfortunately.

Scene with Daniel and Françoise playing in the park with a clip of Brian and Sarah Lewis playing in the park spliced in-between

Snob: I hope this movie keeps going. I still don't know how she ends up having a black baby. (confused stare)

Françoise: Do you still love me?

Snob (VO): (Impersonating Daniel): Uh, what? We're dating? All we've done is stare at each other across the room and play around in the park. I just figured you thought I was a man-child.

Daniel: Wherever we may go, people will stare and point their fingers at you.

Snob (VO): "So let's go ahead and have dinner with your parents, Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn; it'll be hilarious! And then years later we can do a shitty remake with Ashton Kutcher."

Françoise: (Upon seeing homeless people) Oh, I feel ashamed for those people.

Daniel: I do too, but what can be done?

Snob (VO): But enough about making social commentaries on the homeless and alcohol; let's be creepy again!

Daniel: Give me your hand. It is so very small and delicate. A lovely hand.

Snob: (As Daniel) "I'm saying that I would like to put your hand between two slices of bread and eat it with a soup made from your brains."

Cut to a sex scene between the two, which starts off with them kissing in bed

Snob (VO): Oooh, as you know I am a snooty film critic, so I like everything in my sex scenes to be in glorious black & white – and for them to bulk like they're on the verge of falling asleep… Oh, wait! We haven't had our skeleton and flowers yet. (Cut to just that: a skull with a pipe in its mouth and a flower blooming next to each other)

Snob: (Smiling) See? I told you that was gonna happen! And I didn't add that in; that is part of the love scene.

Snob (VO): Clearly it is symbolic for her outrageous perfume that smells as sweet as a blooming flower, while Daniel kills the mood by farting, which smells like death, obviously. Oh, he's smoking? He must be starting to be a doctor. But you know what they say; once you go My Baby is Black!, it's actually quite impossible to go back on that one. At the end of the day, this is still an art film, so do explain it to us in an inquisitive voiceover.

Françoise: Everything has the color of love... The Universe revolves only for love.

Snob: Did you make that up or did you steal that from somebody's Diary-X page circa 1998? Because I think they plagiarized it from MY Diary-X page.

Snob (VO): At least someone here is not given a voiceover.

A cat is shown, making an obviously dubbed meow

Snob: (Confused): Wait, why was that cat being dubbed by a person? Was the cat's French accent too hard for us to understand? (Shot of Lloyd with the sound of a barking dog) Right? Thanks, Lloyd!

Snob (VO): That's not the only confusing thing in this sequence.

Cut to a party with Daniel, Françoise, and several other people talking, while a nude woman poses on the left of the screen

Daniel: It's cold out.

Man #1: It sure is.

Man #2: Finally got here, eh?

Françoise: At last!

Snob (VO): Is no one gonna address that? Or are you just gonna let this go on unexplained? What is with those sloppy table settings? I need that explained to me! (As a film is being cut) I guess they're too busy inventing porno chic.

Man #1: What are you cutting?

Man #2: He's practicing censorship. He's taking out the good stuff.

Man #3: Only a little bit.

Snob (VO): Just so he can make some extra scratch selling an unrated version on DVD. That way, 13-year-olds can go to the theater to see it.

Daniel: We credit too many things to chance. You looked at me… I looked at you… We decided our feelings. Chance is the justification for those who do not dare do such things for themselves – to build their destiny.

Snob: You know, if they keep going on like that, they're gonna have to name their kid Pretentious Douchebag. Which isn't fair, because that's what I'm planning on naming my child.

Snob (VO): They do seem to have a lot in common. They laugh at each other's jokes, even when no joke is said.

Daniel and Françoise suddenly laugh while eating at a restaurant

Snob: (While creepily mimicking the two) Hahahaha, hahahahaha! Let's murder a family in their sleep! (normal) The laughing even continues all the way home.

Daniel and Françoise laugh again, as they cook in the kitchen

Snob: (Again being mimicking) Hahahaha, hahahahaha! We're gonna boil a live rabbit!

Snob (VO): (While Daniel shows family pictures) I guess they finally got tired of laughing for the time being.

Daniel: And here's my mother.

Françoise: She looks like she's smiling at us.

Daniel: Yes, Françoise. She is smiling at us.

Françoise: You love her very much.

Daniel: About that there's little question; I love her very much.

Snob: So we're both in agreement; you love your mother very much.

Snob (VO): You know what would make this movie very good? If they were robots in the future (Clip from Heartbeeps) and a Dalek was chasing them.

Snob: You're welcome!

Snob (VO): But it's not like they have better conversation with anyone else.

Françoise and her mother eat their breakfast in silence, and then...

Mother: What's for today?

Françoise: Laboratory test...

Snob: My Dinner with Mother is Awkward!

Mother: Don't be late for dinner. Try to beat your father home tonight.

Françoise: Goodbye, Mom.

Snob (VO): (Impersonating Francoise) "Well Mom, it's been great catching up, but I got a black baby to make. Eh, oh wait. Did I say too much? I should've figured out a better way to tell you that..." (Cut to a shot of a barefoot Daniel, with the Snob sniffing) Oh, eeew! Oh boy, the French do find the most subtle ways to tell us that the movie stinks.

Daniel and Françoise laugh again, this time at the skull wearing a hat

Françoise: I don't think more would help him. Hahahaha!

Snob: (Again mimicking their laugh) Hahahaha, hahahaha! Remember when we killed this skeleton? Let's send him to Craig Ferguson so he can be his robot sidekick!

Snob (VO): (Over a darkened sky) What do You think, God? (As God) "Can't talk now, Snob. Busy inventing meaningful movie conversations." (Cut to a tree) Eugh, My Tree is Bark! (Back to our lead couple) I'm just glad we have a shot of them looking at each other and saying nothing. There haven't been enough of those.

Françoise: (After we cut to two fish swimming in a bowl) Do you love me?

Daniel: I adore you.

Françoise: Are you sure?

Daniel: Positive.

Snob: Oh goddamnit, not even the fish have anything interesting to say!

Snob (VO): And if you show me the skeleton one more time, I'm just gonna think someone slipped my movie a nekromantik!

Cut to a radio

Radio DJ (VO): And the fighting in Nigeria continues!

Snob (VO): Uhm, okay? I guess we're gonna take a small news break. We'll be back with our movie after these messages.

Snob: Actually, I should be glad they're not saying anything of relevancy to each other, because when they do...

Cut to our leads in a nightclub

Françoise: The black musicians. ...I've never thought of them as being people.

Snob: Good God! Well, I remember when I accidentally said that on a date. (Chuckling) Oh, wait! I never did that! Well, at least this way, she can say "Huh, I'm not racist! Look, I have a black boyfriend!"

Snob (VO): If they want something to talk about, she could just ask him why he's a young med student played by a 43-year-old. (Cut to a jazz combo about to play) Oooh, the music is about to start!

The saxophonist plays, with a horrible performance dubbed over it

Snob: Okay, I added that. I figured the bad music would give 'em something to talk about.

Our leads look over a lake

Snob (VO): (As Françoise) "Our skeleton is starting to rot, darling. Let's drown someone else." (Cut to a sign reading "TOUT GAZE BIEN"): What does that sign say? Oh, no, YOU go fuck yourself! Sorry I, I don't speak French. (Cut to them in bed, curling their toes) But I DO speak self-important emo college douche!

Françoise (VO): When you think of your childhood, isn't there a smell that clings in your mind?

Daniel (VO): Yes. But it is a smell of need, of want. You wouldn't understand me.

Snob: If I tell you that I understand you, will you refrain from explaining it to me in a haiku?

Snob (VO): (As Françoise) "Honey, let's have the skeleton watch us having sex again." (Cut to the skeleton) "Mmmm, balls!" (At the dinner table) Uh-oh! Is Grandpa gonna say something racist?

Professor: Racism is like a lot of ants.

Snob (VO): Well, that's a weird starter. Good thing there's only one guy in the room... (As he says this, we make various cuts to other people at the table, including Daniel) Uh, ooh... Wait, when did he get here?! Oh, dammit, now there's FOUR people in the room?! Fuckin' movie! You're supposed to look around first to make sure your scene doesn't contain the offending party, before you make a racist joke! (Cut outside) Even the choreography is weird!

Daniel: Are you very sure? Are you very sure your love in me is enough?

Françoise: Enough for what? (Daniels turns over to her)

Snob (VO): Who the hell were you looking at a second ago? You talking to the girl or the skeleton?

Françoise (VO): Oh God, help us with our love... remove our obstacles.

Snob (VO): (Over the sky) "Sorry, I got a lot on My plate right now. I'm trying to make Jaden Smith a movie star." (Cut to another character attempting suicide) But their next obstacle is saving a drunk guy from jumping off the roof, for some reason.

Man #1: Let him go. If he wants to jump, there's no way for us to stop him.

Daniel: We must at least try it. If I let him die... my conscience will bother me for the rest of my life.

Snob: Does your conscience also sound like he's dubbed by a 20-year-old white guy?

Snob (VO): (As the shot goes in and out of focus) Ooh, before shooting this, you should've asked if your camera was afraid of heights first. Thanks for that obstacle that took out two whole minutes of the movie, (Cut to the guitar guy) now for some music.

Snob: I sure hope he plays "La-da, dadadadada."

And sure enough...

Snob: (In awe) YES! He played it!

Snob (VO): But tragedy strikes when our two leads are replaced halfway through, when they realized this movie is stupid. (Over cuts to other characters) Rob Blagojevich does not look happy, and Alfred Hitchcock just looks nervous!

Françoise: One could say that you are mad at me.

Daniel: People of your race were the ones who did this dirty thing.

Snob: Okay, what was that previous scene about?

Snob (VO): (Over the other leads) Who are these two people? Why does he look happy about the prospect of a hate crime? And how does Daniel know them?

Daniel: You're one of them. And they're yours.

Snob (VO): Ah, I can see they're communicating telepathically now.

Daniel: I get mad at the idea that they could be your friends.

Snob: Oh, come on, it doesn't mean that she's their friends. It just means that she's a Skynyrd fan.

Snob (VO): "Oh, Mr. Skeleton. Why is it that this movie is called My Baby is Black!, but over an hour into it, it has nothing to do with interracial pregnancy and parenthood?"

Mother: My daughter, pregnant by a n*****.

Snob: (Shocked) Jesus Christ! Okay, well… I guess it's about that now!

Snob (VO): Other than the opening scene, so far, this movie has had zilch to do with her being pregnant. So I think you could have a smoother transition into that plotline than these lines that came out of nowhere!

Father: We must get rid of it.

Françoise: Father? How can you think about a thing like that?

Snob: How does she know that it's not the skeleton's baby?

Cut to another random character

Snob (VO): And where are these people coming from?!

Random Old Woman: You fool! Wasting your time with a black.

Snob: Ummm... go fuck yourself, person who has never been in this movie!

Snob (VO): Why all the hate all of a sudden? So far, they've been very open about their relationship and people seem happy for them. (As we see Daniel in a prison cell, the Snob curses under his breath) AND WHY IS HE NOW IN PRISON?!

Black Kid: He hit him real hard in the stomach. It was great!

Secretary: (Directed to bleeding victim): Actually, you're pressing charges.

Victim: Of course! See what that n***** did to my face?

Snob: Okay, I seriously feel like we're missing scenes here. I think this movie has narcolepsy; it keeps falling asleep and then waking up at random points!

Snob (VO): It's the 1960s, though, so clearly the best place to go when pregnant is a fucking carnival.

Daniel: You feel as I do. But our love is in reach of our hands. I extend my hand to grasp it, but my hand does not find your hand.

Snob: My Baby is Terence Malick! ...Excellent.

Snob (VO): Not even winning her a skeleton-toy at a carnival could cheer her up. And Daniel is so upset that he walks right into someone dumping fake snow on him.

Snob: If any of you out there thinks this is going anywhere... it isn't.

Woman: (Giving Françoise a present): Here's your favorite chocolate.

Snob (VO): Favorite chocolate? Racist. So she gives birth, they live happily ever after. End of movie.

Snob: That movie was about as scandalous as a jaywalker!

Cut to the poster

Snob (VO): The tagline was "Conceived in love… Delivered into hate!" (More film footage) A more appropriate tagline would be "Conceived in love... Delivered into... ehhh, a few people were upset, but for the most part everything's fine, we're happy now." (The couple walks off) They then went on to star in a Cheerios commercial in which a bunch of racists flipped their shit about it on YouTube. This movie is well-intentioned, certainly, with its "love conquers racism" theme. (Back to the trailer) It's not racist like the movie's marketing suggests, which was done specifically for the American marketing to make it look like an exploitation film. (DVD cover for...) But when Cream & Coffee 8 has more onscreen chemistry than your two leads, (Back to the movie) then clearly you just needed more awkward pauses, voiceovers and symbolic skeletons, which this movie most certainly did not have enough of for my taste.

Snob: The point is, I think the filmmakers learned their lesson, which is "never put an exclamation point in your title, (talks slowly and silently) when everyone in the movie just talks like this." (Breaks into maniacal laughter one last time) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Daniel: I can agree with what you're saying, Professor. It is that... I like ants very much.

End of video