My Pet Monster
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And today, we're definitely gonna go back, practically into your sub-conscience. I want you to remember when you were a little kid walking through the video store and you came across...this.
(Holds up the video of My Pet Monster, the live action movie)
NC: Don't act like you haven't seen this video. Every kid in the '80s has. It was in EVERY video store you could imagine. And SOME OF US were unfortunate enough to RENT it. PRAY for those people, my friend. PRAY for those people. So, before we talk about this...STUPID movie, let's take a look at a little background.
(Images of the My Pet Monster toy and footage of its TV cartoon spinoff are shown)
NC (voiceover): My Pet Monster was a hit toy in the 1980s, and it was awesome. Mostly because it was the only doll that boys could play with without looking like a pussy. I mean, come on. A monster that's a pet? What boy's not going to love that? One of the big gimmicks was that he had orange chains that you could break, but we found out later that it was made of plastic and velcro, you fucking liars, but nevertheless, the doll was awesome. Sometime later, they made a cartoon show that was based on the doll, but that has nothing to do with this. This an hour long made for TV movie that was trying to cash in on their product as quickly as possible. And trust me, it shows.
- (Actually, the movie was a Direct-to-Video movie, not a TV movie.)
NC: Is it worth seeing? No. Are we going to? Yes. This is My Pet Monster.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So the film starts out, oddly enough, as a video game. Strange, seeing how My Pet Monster was everything BUT a video game. But hey, Nintendo just came out and we were ready to whore out to anything. Another odd thing you'll notice is that you see two other monsters in this opening. One was My Football Monster--which was a spinoff toy--and the other is Beastur, who was an enemy of My Pet Monster. And, wouldn't you know it: NEITHER OF THEM ARE IN THIS FUCKING FILM! Why have them in the opening if they're not going to be in the rest of the movie?
NC: It's like having Harvey Dent in the first Batman movie and never using him... (Cut to Dent played by Billy Dee Williams in the Batman movie) OK. Bad example. It's liking having ... Lizard-Man in the Spider-Man movies and never using him... (Cut to the movie version) OK. That also doesn't work. It's like having ... all these X-Men and never having them used to their full poten... (Cut to the movie versions of various X-Men characters) You know what? MOVIES FUCKING SUCK!
NC (voiceover): So after that 8-Bit opening, we see a happy family who I swear has the mother from "You Can't Do That On Television." We see our main character is a little boy named Max and his sister named Melanie, played by Alyson Court, who has actually done a shitload of voiceover work (such as Lydia from Beetlejuice and Jubilee from X-Men), including playing Claire in the Resident Evil games. Lord knows I could use some flesh eating zombies in this flick, but I don't hold out much hope. The kids go on a field trip to a museum where an angry scientist named Snyder (switches to a snobby voice) is not amused to be a tour guide to such ruffians
Snyder: Must I continue this idiocy? I have more important things to do than to take a bunch of...children on a tour of the museum.
Museum Director: What can be more important than these children? They're the future of our civilization.
(Except for one kid acting like a monkey for...some reason)
NC: Yeah, I remember when I used to pretend to be a monkey in 8th grade... God, I was pitied!
Snyder: There is to be NO EATING in the museum. Is that clear?
Bernie: Is that clear, Maxwell?
Kid: Hey, good one Bernie.
NC: (imitiating the kid) Heh heh. Good one Bernie. I'm so writing that down when I get home.
(Cut to a scene where the Critic is sitting on his bed writing in a book, almost like a teenage girl writing in her diary)
NC: (inner monologue) Dear Diary, Bernie said another joke today. God, he's funny. If only he knew the feelings I had towards him. If only...I was brave enough to tell him... God I'm a coward.
NC (voiceover) So Snyder shows them these Babylonian artifacts that look more like the ancient civilization of the Muppet Tribe.
Snyder: The inscriptions on these tribal artifacts reveal that these statues possess the power to transform anyone who stands before them into...monsters!
NC: Well, thanks for using the scientific term "monster."
(The kids laugh)
Bernie: Hey, tell us another one.
Kid: Hey, that's a good one, Bernie.
NC (voiceover): What is up with this kid and constantly sucking Bernie's dick? He's like the Kevin Eubanks of little white children. (NC does a camera closeup on the kid seemingly grabbing for Bernie's chest but then recoiling his hand away quickly) In fact...look at that. He was about to cop a feel. I swear to God he was about to cop a feel!
Kid: Hey, that's a good one, Bernie.
(Cut back to Critic writing in his diary)
NC: I almost had my chance today but I chickened out at the last minute. Stupid Billy. Stupid. (Sighs) One day you will be mine...
Snyder: This is no bedtime story. This is FACT!
NC (as Snyder): Fact that I have no facts to back up with.
Snyder: Years of research and documentation and for what? So my colleagues can call me crazy? So little insignificant brats like you can laugh at my theories? I am a man of science. NOT a tour guide.
NC (applauding): Bravo, Sir. Bravo! (Throws him a rose) Your years in the Shakespearean Theatre have finally paid off. Ha ha ha ha!
Bernie: What a crackpot! That doctor needs a doctor.
Max: And you need a muzzle.
Bernie: Good one, Maxy!
NC (voiceover): OK, did the writer only have two lines of small talk in this movie? How many times are they gonna say "Good one?" It's said more times than when Tommy Wiseau says "Oh Hai." So the statues decide to transform Max because ... "Derpity Doo," and his sister sees what has happened to him.
Melanie: (after Max growls offscreen) You're a monster.
NC (voiceover): So they go to Dr. Snyder to show what's happened to Max as we get to the point that really FUCKING PISSED me off as a kid.
Max: Excuse me, Sir. Your statues turned me into a monster.
(Dr. Snyder turns around and freaks out by what he sees ... and so do we, for that matter)
NC (voiceover) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Snyder: It works.
Max: My parents aren't gonna like this.
(The Critic is obviously baffled by this monsters appearance as he compares it to the one on the box)
NC: I mean what ... THE HELL IS THAT?!
NC (voiceover): HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE WHAT'S ON THE BOX? That's not My Pet Monster, it's a fucking radioactive Garfield plushie!
NC: I mean what's the point of going through all the work to make the monster on the cover look like the toy if you're not going make the monster in the movie look like the toy? I mean what's the pur... (Then he looks at the cover and realizes:) Oh my God. It IS that freaking toy! They just put the toy on the cover. I never noticed it before, but it's the plastic chains, the cheap fur. It's the freakin' toy.
NC (voiceover): That means that they were SO ashamed to show the real monster from this movie that they just decided to switch it with the toy.
NC: So let me get this straight: The children's play thing that you can get for $15 is a better special effect than this animatronic costume? YOU LIED TO ME, MOVIE! YOU LIED TO ME! Yeah, I thought I was getting this, but no, instead I'm getting...(footage of Max as a monster is shown as NC makes a disgusted noise) the fucking crack baby from "Where the Wild Things Are!"
NC (voiceover): So if you were a little kid like I was, you were obviously very disappointed by this point, but fuck it! It's better watching this movie than going outside and learning something. So Snyder sees this as his ticket to fame and fortune as he locks the kids in the room.
Max: Is the bus still there? (He then starts seeing things with his monster powers)
Spiderman (from the "Spiderman" TV cartoon): My spider senses are starting to tingle!
Snyder: There not feeling very well. We'll see that they get home safely.
Melanie: You've got monster powers.
NC (voiceover) So they manage to break out of the room as Snyder spots them. Though really, how could anyone not spot them? It's a fucking blue monster running around and nobody seems to care! Is this a normal occurance at the museum? It sure wouldn't shock me.
NC: They probably have a sign outside that says "Warning: May Turn you Into Technicolor Wookie Diarrhea." (Such a Photoshopped image is shown) I mean, at least it would be a heads up.
NC (voiceover): So Snyder's about to reveal the monster to the head of the museum just to find that the boy has changed back. They escape as Snyder's being yelled at and make their way back home. Their brother Rod comes home, who I think is played by Allan Thicke before puberty, and he's dating a young lady named Stephanie, who's getting her poodle Tippy ready for the dog show. But Melanie goes upstairs to find that Max has transformed into a monster again.
Max: (reading a comic book) What?
NC (voiceover): What? You're reading a comic?! Why are you reading a comic? You transformed into a hideous blue beast! How about an "Ooh!" or "Aah! I'm a hideous blue beast!"
NC: I mean, am I missing something here? It doesn't make any sense. I got to ask somebody about this.
(NC exits the room and enters another one)
NC: Hey, Rob. You ever hear about the--
Rob: (sitting on a chair, reading a comic, and now has a dinosaur head) What?
NC: What happened to you?
Dino-Rob: What are you talking about?
NC: What happened to you?
Dino-Rob: Oh. Yeah. I'm a dinosaur.
NC: Oh! ...
Dino-Rob: You mind? I'm trying to read The Far Side.
NC: Oh, yeah. Sorry. (Exits the room)
Dino-Rob: Heh heh heh. Oh, Gary Larson. I like cows, too. I'm a dinosaur.
NC (voiceover) So Tippy starts to bug the kids as Rod goes upstairs to get her.
(Monster Max growls causing Tippy to fall over)
NC (voiceover): (chuckles) Wow! I guess monster powers include sloppily putting the film in reverse. So his girlfriend is angry because her poodle's perm is messed up as they try to hide Max.
Stephanie: What's that?
Rod: (gestures to Max the monster) Oh, you mean this? Well, that's just my pet monster.
NC: Geesh, that's almost as bad title dropping as the Lord of the Rings movies.
Saruman (from "Lord of the Rings"): There is only one lord of the ring.
Elrond (from "Lord of the Rings"): You shall be the fellowship of the ring.
Narrator (from "Lord of the Rings"): The union of the two towers.
Gandalf (from "Lord of the Rings"): To deny the return of the king.
NC (voiceover) So Max changes back, but it turns out the siblings have a bigger problem than the scientific discovery of a lifetime, liking getting Tippy her perm back.
Rod: We got to get Tippy prettied up and fast. Let's go.
NC (voiceover: ) Something tells me these guys got to get their priorities straight. Snyder follows them in Mr. Bean's car and arrive at the dog salon. And ... (NC does a closeup on the dog salon's sign) am I the only one who's disturbed their abbreviation is KKK?
NC: I mean what kind of store is thi ... (sees a fake sign saying "No Black Dogs") Oh, that explains it! The two guys that run the place read in the paper that Tippy is the most likely to win the dog show, because I guess that's really newsworthy, when lo and behold, she's dropped right into their laps.
Stu: Hey, we gotta grab her. That little puffball is gonna be our ticket out of this dive.
Karl: But that is dognapping.
NC (voiceover): Uh, is this really what we're gonna focus on half the time? There's a kid with superhuman strength that looks like a Navi furball, and half the time it's focusing on this fucking poodle? Boy, they really know what kids want to watch, don't they? Ok, they discover that Max turns into a monster every time he gets hungry, and also when Snyder is around to provide a comedic chase scene.
Snyder: (speaks into his tape recorder) It's happened. From a lifetime of research, a monster is appearing before my very eyes. Look! (holds his recorder towards Max)
NC (voiceover): Uh, wait a minute. Did he just say "look" to a tape recorder? Good God, guy, you're a scientist! If you can't tell the difference between a camera and a tape recorder, you shouldn't be in this field!
NC: (as Snyder, talking into an invisible tape recorder) I can sense something approaching me. (Waves it around frantically) Go on, smell it!
Snyder: Come back here!
(Through sloppy editing, Snyder goes up some stairs, falls out a window, and then comes out of a door)
NC (voiceover) The hell just happened? He fell off a window, now's he's coming through a door. Must be one of those Escher design building.
(Then Synder falls off the building into some cement)
NC (voiceover) They give Snyder the slip, but Max is confused for a dog by one of the spa people.
Karl: How did you get out of your cage? Come on. Get back in there.
NC (voiceover) Yep. I guess he's confusing it for that rare breed of blue horned rottweilers that were very popular back then. But the sister comes in and claims she's picking him up. Thankfully, there's no paperwork in this world, so he just believes her and lets her walk out with him. Our heroes find out about the dognapping and try to find out a way to get Tippy back.
Melanie: Go back to Karl's shop and rescue Tippy. (Yeah, that's a brilliant plan!)
Max: Just like that? (See, even he agrees!)
Rod: Sounds fool-proof. Let's do it.
Max: Hey, wait a minute! I can't go anywhere looking like this.
Rod: (In a jump scene) Yeah, looks good.
(Max the monster is seen dressed in an odd mariachi costume)
NC (voiceover): Wow, I'd called that incredibly racist if I could figure out what race they were trying to offend.
Melanie: (in the car) The store closes in TEN MINUTES! We'll meet you there.
Max: We're taking a shortcut?
Melanie: And try to keep up this time.
Max: Just watch me. (He suddenly speeds up and runs right through the fence like he was the Flash)
NC: (reacts in surprise to Max's super-speed) Jesus! (He falls out of his chair)
NC (voiceover): The movie just got a sudden meth attack out of nowhere.
(The scene plays again with the ending line of the Sonic SatAm theme song, "He's the fastest thing alive!")
NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, Snyder is at the dog spa waiting for them. He forces Max to put himself in a cage or else he'll ... hold his sister's hand tightly. Why doesn't he just eat the fucker?
Snyder: (finds the famous orange chains from the toy) Hmm. Ah ha. (tosses the orange chains to Max) Try these on.
NC (voiceover): Um, OK. I know that's part of the toy and everything, but what the hell are giant orange chains doing there? Were they grooming a gorilla? Was the Incredible Hulk playing one of his kinky night games again? (Such a Photoshopped image is shown)
Snyder: I'll be back in a jiffy.
NC (voiceover) So Max changes back, but luckily, Rod is there to save them. But they also have to save the poodle because ... again, that's the number one concern in this movie. However, the two goons are stupid enough to bring Tippy to the dog show claiming she's theirs, never thinking for a minute that MAYBE the original owners might show up. Oh hey, the original owners just showed up.
NC (voiceover): (as Karl) Duh, thinking is hard.
Rod: Put down that check, you dognappers!
NC (voiceover): I also like the fact that they dress up Max like a dog again to get inside and yet nobody at the dog show, a FUCKING DOG SHOW, can tell that he's not a dog! Even Stevie Wonder, with his nose plugged, his fingers in his ears, and trapped in a BOX can tell that he's NOT a dog!
Stu: Oh, we made it. We're home free.
NC (voiceover): But luckily, Max is there to stop their getaway.
(Max quickly chases after the pickup truck and grabs onto the back bumper, stopping the truck with himself)
Max: (goes over to pull off the driver door) Hey, guys. Remember me?
NC (voiceover): (as the goons) Oh, wow, you were really scary until you started talking. Now you just sound retarded.
Dog Show Judge: If that truck hadn't broken down, those two hoodlums might've gotten away scot free.
NC (voiceover): Oh yeah, the truck that just broke down and ripped its own door off! It's an everyday occurance that appears every day.
Melanie: You were really great. You know that?
Max: Yeah, but I'm still a monster. (And then he just coincidentally changes back) Alright! I'm back to normal.
NC (voiceover) So as the two kids walk off into the sunset, Snyder talks to one of the monster statues and gives us a very strange and actually kinda creepy ending.
Snyder: It was I who found you and restored you to your ancient splendor. Why was I not chosen?
(The monster statue then points its beams at him with him laughing maniacally, thus ending the film, with a cliffhanger)
NC (voiceover): JESUS, THAT'S IT?! What the hell kinda ending is that? There's no sequel to this movie or spinoff show, so that's pretty much all we got. When I was a kid, this scared the shit out of me. I mean, what happened? Did he turn into a monster? Did he kill everybody? What kind of sick, evil way is that to end a kids movie?
NC: Oh, well, who cares? The movie is shit, anyway.
NC (voiceover) Growing up with this toy, you sorta figured the idea would be, well...to have a pet monster, not have a boy turn into a monster, so even the setup is flawed. But on top of that, it's a lazy story with lazy editing and lazy animatronics, and plus, that creepy ending for little kids. I mean, it's not the worst, but unless there's a reason for it, it's just needlessly scary. What was the director thinking? What was the idea behind this?
NC: In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [Whips out a phone and dials it before speaking into it] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking with the ending of "My Pet Monster"! In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general?! [Pauses while the person on the other line responds] Well, I-I-I don't know what I was expecting, I mean, I... [Pauses] ...yeah yeah, I saw the cover and I still rented it... [Pauses] ...yeah, I-I watched it willingly... [Pauses] ...no, I'm not... babysitting anybody, I, uh... [Pauses] ...I'm 28... [Pauses] ...well, it's, um, it's kinda my job, I, uh... [Pauses] ...yeah, I, uh, watch... children's programming and tell people what I think online... [Pauses] ...uh-huh... [Pauses] [I'm] ...very happy that you pity me... [Pauses] ...yeah, we're done. We're done. Um, just, uh, thank you for your time and sorry to have inconvenienced you. OK, bye. [Hangs up, thinks for a moment and addresses his viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... and I gotta think a few things through.
(We then see the Critic leave and go to his living room where he sits a chair and looks out the window as the credits roll and the Incredible Hulk "Lonely Man" theme plays)
THE END? :(
Channel Awesome Tagline--Kid: Hey, that's a good one, Bernie.