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Man of Steel (NC)

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Man of Steel

Ncman

Released
November 26, 2013
Running time
1:10:29
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Commentary

The opening is Superman (Rob Scallon) and Batman (Doug Walker) singing a song called "Superman is Batman"

(songs starts gentle and sad, and lyrics show below)

Superman: I lost my parents in childhood, grew up a loner no one understood, / and spent years brooding as an aimless drifter. / But, through the inspiring words of my father, I'll become a symbol, an icon, / a savior to restore hope to those who have none.

Batman: Uh, you mean like Batman?

(pause) (tempo becomes more upbeat)

Superman: I traveled the world as a bearded outcast to discover who I am.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: My friends only speak to me in exposition and speeches of how important and unique I am.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: If you ask me my life story, I would tell it to you out of order and disjointed.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: I often have flashbacks out of nowhere about how important my destiny is.

Batman: Been there! Done that!

Superman: I wear a dark, tight costume...

Batman: DIIIIIIIIIIITTO!

Superman: ...with a long flowing cape too

Batman: I think we shop at the same store.

Superman: I have a wise father figure who isn't my father at all.

Batman: Suck my balls. (points at Alfred)

Superman: I'm Superman! I'm the freaking man of steel! / No one can do what I can, I am the real deal / I'm the most unique superhero that the world has ever seen

Batman: Except for me!

Superman:I'm mentally depressed and psychologically tortured

Batman: Not special!

Superman: I've stared into the vast empty void and have come out scarred yet responsibly stronger.

Batman: Same.

Superman: I reflect when I'm in my giant, dark, empty fortress.

Batman: Sounds familiar. (points at Wayne Manor)

Superman: I try to save people, but under my protection, the civilian death toll has tripled.

Batman: (standing in ruined Gotham) Oops.

Superman: I'm an awkward nerd...

Batman: No, you're not, you're an emo hunk every woman wants to sleep with.

Superman: Okay, you're right about that.

Batman: Ooooover here.

Superman: I have a bland but independent girlfriend who I still have to save most of the time.

Batman: You mean like mine? (points at Rachel played by Rachel TietzListen up, twerp, you can't be who I am / You're a speedy pretty boy and I'm the FRIGGIN' BATMAN! / The dark brooding loner is my thing, you see? / And Zack Snyder sure ain't gonna take that from me! / I am Batman! Better than the man of steel! / You should know who I am, I'm the OG real deal / I'm the most unique superhero that the world's ever seen! / So don't steal my thing!

Superman: No, I'm Superman! I'm the friggin' man of steel!

Batman: BAAAAATMAAAAAAAN!

Superman: I do whatever I can way more than the Batman will! / To save the day, I'll do whatever I can! / I've even KILLED A MAN! (picture of new General Zod)

Batman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! JESUS, GUY!

Superman: What? He was gonna-he was gonna kill some random people I didn't know!

Batman: ...dude, I didn't even kill the insane clown who murdered my girlfriend!

Superman: Oh...

Batman: ......(points at Superman) You're sick.

Superman: No! I'M SUPERMAN!

Advertiser: (played by Malcolm Ray) Coming Summer 2015* (both Batman and Superman pose), The Batman Superman Movie; Two of the Most Polar Opposite Superheroes Coming Together at Last! (Batman and Superman realize just how wrong that tagline is)

(NOTE: The upcoming movie's release date has now been moved to March 2016.)

Superman/Batman: Oh, fuck you, Zack Snyder! (both walk off screen)

(Finally, we get the NC opening)

(NC enters the room, while random comments from people who loved or hated Man of Steel float across the screen, such as "Man of Steel is the BEST MOVIE EVAH!", "Man of Steel was the Worst Movie Ever Made!", "This movie rocked the shit out of my nads!!!!!!!", "This movie has RUINED Superman!", etc.)

(Superman Returns trailer audio plays as NC walks towards his desk)

Jor-El: They can be a great people if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you, my only son.

(NC sits down at his desk, straightens out his jacket, and the music ends)

NC: MAN OF STEEL SUCKS!

(cuts to AngryJoe)

Joe: Man of Steel is freaking awesome, and you know it!

NC: Yeah, maybe for blood-hungry psychopaths, but for those of us who love an American icon, it's bullshit!!

Joe: This is a new kind of Superman, Critic. He's obviously not the one we grew up with.

NC: Yeah, that one made sense!

Joe: What, time-traveling? Flying around the world?

NC: (pause) MOSTLY made sense.

Joe: You just can't accept the fact that this is something new, and while we all know that the first two films are legendary, it's time for a different way of looking at the story that's been told a thousand times the same way.

NC: Okay, look, I'm sick to death of that bullshit argument, so I'll tell you what: I am willing to look at this in a new light, because, hey, we should be willing to accept things from a new point of view. I will still try my best to accept this as its own unique thing, without drawing any references from the original movies. Deal?

AngryJoe: Deal.

NC: But you have to acknowledge that when a moment sucks, it fucking sucks, no matter how much testosterone-filled bullshit is in it!

Joe: I make no promises.

NC: Joe!

AngryJoe: Alright, fine!

NC: (sigh) Well, let's look at the movie that has the internet totally split down the middle. This is either the absolutely loved or absolutely hated, Man of Steel.

(The movie starts)

NC: (vo) We start off with the birth of our hero on the planet "every sci-fi movie ever made" (Krypton), and seeing how this is a Zack Snyder film, everything obviously looks like H.R.Giger's hand-me-downs or penises. (scene of penis-shaped pods being sent into space) LOOK AT THESE THINGS! Tell me that doesn't look like "The Little Mermaid" poster! (shows the controversial Little Mermaid poster with the penis-shaped tower in Atlantica)

AngryJoe: I actually quite like the new Krypton look.

AngryJoe: (vo) Sci-fi, medieval mesh, interesting wildlife, but I suppose the floating robots do look a bit like the hairdo in "The Last Airbender". (quick snippet of Princess Yue's hair)

NC: Oh, no, no, no, we have interpretations of THAT in barbed wire...

NC: (vo) ...as our high council is wearing what I assume is Krypton's version of mini roller coasters. (photoshoped roller coaster rides down one of the high council members headdresses)

High Council Member: You're not seriously suggesting that we evacuate the entire planet?

Jor-El: No. Everybody here is already dead.

NC: (vo) A lot of you know the drill here: Superman's father, Jor-El, played by Russell Crowe, is trying to convince the higher-ups that the planet Krypton is about to explode and nobody believes him. But hell, the entire world blowing up isn't exciting enough. Let's throw in a hostile takeover while we're at it, too.

(Krypton guards are attacked by unknown forces) (revealed to be General Zod and his troops)

NC: (vo) This particular hostile takeover is lead by General Zod, played by Michael "Why does everybody say I lisp like Willem Dafoe?" Shannon.

Zod: These lawmakers with their endless debates have led Krypton to ruin! Help me save our race. The degenerative bloodlines that led us to this state.

Jor-El: And who will decide which bloodline survives, Zod? You?

NC (vo): (as Zod) I humbly accept your nomination.

Zod: Don't do this, El.

NC (vo): So, seeing how Zod's fought off this world's equivalent of White House security so easily, it only makes sense that Jor-El should be able to fight off Zod's army that broke through this world's White House security so easily.

NC: (unsure) I think...

NC (vo): He rides on his dragonfly...dragon, picks up yet another subplot--because Lord knows we don't have enough of those going on in this opening, and plans to put it in a spacepod sending his son to Earth, who'll be the only survivor.

(Jor-El strokes his son's head)

Jor-El: Goodbye, my son.

NC (vo): Aw, shoot, now we gotta have that pesky emotion. Come on, guys, this is a Christopher Nolan story. You can throw more subplots. At least strap that baby to a bomb or something. (The cradle containing the baby is lifted up into a pod) He rises from the dentist's chair and is sent out towards Earth, just as Zod's forces arrive.

Zod: Concentrate fire on the main door!

NC (vo): (as one of Zod's soldiers) Yes, person who clearly has no microphone attached to his mouth.

Zod: What have you done?

Jor-El: We've had a child, Zod.

Zod: ...Heresy! Destroy it! ("s" replaced with "sh" sounds)

NC: Did he stuff a bag of marshmallows in his mouth before talking?

Zod: Heresy! Destroy it!

NC: (imitating Zod) Hereshy! Reshtoy hmm! (and mimics marshmallows in his mouth)

NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing about Michael Shannon's performance is how he manages to be over-the-top extreme and...under-the-bottom restrained. It's kinda like watching Jerry Lewis act.

NC: He may start off low and appear not to be very interested.

NC (vo): But then, in a millisecond, he can change into (suddenly shouting) wa-hey with the screaming and the yelling and the nice lady!

Joe: Oh, shut up! He did great! Michael Shannon is a damn good actor.

Joe (vo): He was portraying a bitter, single-minded man who has nothing to lose...

Joe: ...as he's pushed to the breaking point.

NC: Yeah, but does his breaking point have to sound like a bulldog?

Zod: You won't kill us yourself! (a bulldog is shown on the left barking as Zod talks) You wouldn't dirty your hands, but you'll damn us to a black hole for eternity!

Joe: Yeah, well at least he doesn't sound like a screaming goat when he yells.

NC: Hey! I do not--(Joe counters with a clip of the screaming goat) Hey! (goat!) Heeeyy!! (goooat!) ...bearded asshole. (Joe giggles)

NC (vo): But Zod gets the best of him just before security gets the best of Zod. This calls for Hans Zimmer bwowm! (Said bwowm is played) Is anyone else sick of that sound yet? I swear, if Hans Zimmer did the music to "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown," it'd be (picture of it is shown) "You're A Good Man, Charlie  Bwowm." (BWOMB) So Zod is sentenced to imprisonment in the Phantom Zone.

Zod: You believe your son is safe? I will find him.

NC (vo as Lara): Sorry, didn't quite catch that.

Zod: I will find him.

NC (vo): No, still didn't get it.

Zod: I will find him.

NC (vo): Mm, still not coming through. Tell you what, say it as loud and ridiculously hammy as your cartonnishly large eyes and mouth will allow.

Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!!

NC (vo): Now I hear you. No, you won't. Bye! (The penis-shaped pods launch off into the Phantom Zone, bringing up the Little Mermaid box art) I swear to God-- Look at it! Look at it! So they wait for the inevitable as it's the end of the world as they know it, and everyone feels blandly fine.

(Lara Lor-Van steps out to watch the end of the world as two pods fly next to her)

Pod: Lady Lara, shouldn't you find refuge?

NC (vo): (as Lara) What? I can't hear you over the incredibly quiet destruction of the world!

Lara: There is no refuge, Kiro.

(A pillar of fire sweeps over Lara before cutting to Krypton exploding. The pod containing Kal-El flies through space)

NC (vo): So Kal-El travels to the planet known as Earth where he lands...(cut to a ship out in the ocean) on an episode of Deadliest Catch. Okay, we may have skipped forward a touch, but at least we now have time to give Clark, played by Henry Cavill, some proper development for his character. (a burning oil rig is seen in the distance) Or just blow shit up again. Because the past twenty minutes clearly haven't shown enough of that.

(A steel door is ripped off by Clark who's covered in fire, wearing only a pair of pants)

NC (vo): I am Leonidas-Wolverine-Brawny Man! Follow my non-flammable pants to freedom!

(Clark's now in the water, flashing back to his childhood)

Teacher: When Kansas became a territory--

NC (vo): Oh, we're in THIS kind of story.

Joe: What kind of story?

NC: The out of order story that got critical acclaim with Memento so Nolan's been trying to use it with every film he's been attached to?

NC (vo): He's a boy, he's a man, he's a teenager, he's a boy again, he's a man. And it wouldn't be so bad if he would at least talk about what he's going through, but he never does.

Joe: Wait, aren't you the one saying that Nolan films have too much dialogue already?

NC: Well, kind of...sorta...maybe... It depends on how you use it. If it's needed, use it. If it's not, don't.

Joe: Well, you actually don't need it here.

Joe (vo): Scenes like Clark as a boy getting used to his powers are already emotional scenes.

Joe: You don't have to explain.

NC: Now that's true.

NC (vo): Scenes like this are good on their own, but we're getting background on a guy whose personality we're never given time to know. Look at this. We have a flashback to his childhood, then we cut back to present time. Then literally one minute later, we get another flashback to his childhood. Welcome back! Missed ya! They never give any time to understand this guy! I've gotten to know the personality of my Minute Rice more than I have this person.

Joe: So what's wrong with that? Lots of us constantly get flashbacks out of nowhere about their troubling childhood. (Joe suddenly shivers and creepy piano music plays)

NC: Joe?

Joe: What's that, papa? No, I don't wanna wear the big lobster costume! Why do you make me wear that, anyways? (NC's quite confused) No, papa, no! Not the nipple tasers, please!

NC: I think the less I know about this, the better. (and he pulls the next scene over)

NC (vo): So after countless moments of intense scenes and harsh action, what is this flashback gonna show? (The school bus pops a tire and goes over the bridge) Some intense scenes and harsh action. Wow, this film's running the gambit of all two things that can be done with a movie.

(The bus comes up from the water)

NC (vo): So young Clark saves the bus of kids which leads to the dismay of his father, John Kent (Jonathan Kent, NC calls him John in the video), played by that-voicebox-that-sounds-like-Kevin-Costner. Or maybe it's just Kevin Costner, they're pretty easy to mix up.

Jonathan "Pa" Kent: We've talked about this. You have... Well, Clark, you have to keep this side of yourself a secret.

NC (vo): And this, of course, gives way to one of the most controversial parts of the movie; John Kent saying he should've let the kids on the bus die.

Clark: What was I supposed to do? Just let 'em die?

Jonathan: .......Maybe.

NC: Yeah, what've you got to say about that, Joe? (creepy music comes back on) Joe?

Joe: No, papa! Not the nitroglycerine!

NC: Joe!

Joe: Oh! Sorry.

NC: The scene where John Kent says "drown the bastards."

Joe: Hey, hey. He doesn't say "let them die." He says "maybe let them die."

NC: (in disbelief)...that's much better?!

Joe: Well, it's his way of saying he doesn't know, and that's what's so great about it, because it mimics real life far more than previous Superman films. It shows that people don't always have the answers.

(Cut to NC, obviously distraught over what Joe is saying)

Joe (vo): All he knows is that he doesn't want his son to be discovered and hurt. But he never says "let them die."

Joe: He says he doesn't know.

NC: Okay, fine. Tough confusing world. Why can't Superman's father talk to him like a father?

Joe: What do you mean? He's the one that builds him up.

NC: And that's it! Every line in this movie is just talking about what a messiah he is!

Jonathan: You were sent here for a reason./When the world finds out what you can do, it's gonna change everything./Not just anyone, Clark./You're the answer to "are we alone in the universe?"/Stand proud in front of the human race.

NC (vo): He's less of a tough father and more like a stereotypical Jewish mother.

(We now to Rachel playing said mother on the phone)

Mom: Oh, you gotta see my son. When the world finds out what he can do, it's gonna change everything. He was sent here for a reason. He's the answer to "are we alone in the universe?"

(Turns out she's talking to a 911 operator voiced by Rob Walker)

Operator: Ma'am, 911 is for emergencies only.

Mom: Oh, sooorry! I coulda had a busload of drowned kids, but my son saved them, too! But don't worry, I punished him properly for that.

Operator: Ma'am, never pick up the phone again.

Mom: Why does everyone keep telling me that?

Joe: Come on! Those are some strong well-written words.

NC: It's every boring destiny monologue we've heard before.

Joe: Oh, yeah? Prove it.

(NC points off screen) (clips from movies and shows play, all showing the same destiny monologue used over and over)

(Man of Steel)

Jonathan Kent: People are afraid of what they don't understand.

(Batman Begins)

Carmine Falcone: You always fear what you don't understand.

(Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2)

Kim Diamond: People fear what they don't understand.

(X-Men: The Animated Series)

Storm: People fear what they do not understand.

(The Elephant Man)

John Merrick: People are frightened by what they don't understand.

(cut back to NC) (waves his hand to Joe, waiting for his defense)

Joe: ... H-He said it differently, though...

(Jonathan pulls the cover off of Clark's pod)

Jonathan: We found you in this. This was in the chamber with you. (Clark is holding onto a strange object) I took it to a metallurgist at Kansas State. He said whatever it's made from didn't exist on the periodic table, which is another way of saying it's not from this world, Clark.

NC (vo): (as Jonathan) They surprisingly asked no questions and let me take my miracle stone home without ever calling anybody. See, they knew how to keep a secret. (normal) And it turns out years later, Clark does a good job carrying that secret, like when a bully inflicts no physical harm on him whatsoever, so he crucifies his truck, causing God knows how much money in damages. But at least he didn't...save...anybody? So, seeing how we're watching Clark go on this long journey, are we finally gonna get some idea of what his personality's like--yeah, you know the answer to this. Hello, other characters and subplots, one of them being Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, doing a report on some sort of disturbance--

Joe: Oh, hell, no, you cannot badmouth Lois Lane! She's a stronger character, a more confident one. She's a risk taker. She doesn't have time for the military's pissing contest! She actually does something in this film, and she's not always screaming for someone to save her.

NC: Yeah, that is until she's hit by the Nolan Ray.

Joe: The what?

NC: The Nolan Ray. You see, I have no doubt that Zack Snyder started off having Lois as an interesting, funny, opinionated character because at first, she does seem that way.

Lois: Yeah, if we're done measuring dicks, can you have your people show me what you found?

NC: (taking out a raygun) But then she's zapped by the Nolan Ray and suddenly every line of dialogue is emphasizing the weight of how important the movie you're watching is. Remember when his father was balling him out like a real father?

Jonathan: Right? We talked about this, you have to--

NC: Boom! (he shoots the scene) Nolan Ray!

Jonathan: You're the answer to "are we alone in the universe?"

NC: Remember how Lois Lane was feisty and took no nonsense from anybody?

Lois: Well, what can I say? I get writer's block if I'm not wearing a flak jacket.

NC: Boom! (he shoots the scene) Nolan Ray!

Lois: (narrating) The questions raised by my rescuer's existence are frightening to contemplate.

NC: Even Perry White, played by Laurence Fishburne. He starts off in-your-face screaming about stories and deadlines.

Perry: You let Woodburn just shotgun it all over the internet. Well, let's make it three weeks since you're so willing to agree with me.

NC: Oh, that's way too interesting. Little bit of the Nolan Ray will fix that! (zap!)

Perry: Can you imagine how people on this planet will react if they knew there was someone like this out there?

NC: (Reading the caption) The Nolan Ray. Because Whatever Important Issue You're Talking About...IT COULD ALWAYS BE MORE IMPORTANT.

Joe: Critic, you know sometimes life is like that. Life can be tough. Life can be cruel. Life can throw lobster costumes and nipple tasers into your reality.

NC: Am I ever gonna know the story to that?

Joe: The less you know, the better.

NC (vo): So Lois follows a certain laser eyeing someone into the ice where she discovers a spaceship. A spaceship that apparently saw her performance in Julie & Julia. (A pod smacks her into the wall with a tentacle. Clark destroys the pod with his bare hands) But Clark is there to take down the machine, heal her wounds, and...apparently leave her for dead. When she observes that Clark has taken the spaceship away, she tries to write a report on it, only to find her boss won't run it. So she lets it leak to the internet.

Lois: My editor won't print it, but if it happened to leak online...

Woodburn: Wait. Didn't you once describe my site as a "creeping cancer of falsehoods?"

Joe: Hey, look, it's TMZ.

NC: Hehe, that was a good one.

Joe: Hehe. (bitterly) They're the scum of the earth.

NC (vo): So Clark loads the Exposition Program and, through some pretty awesome effects, a computer with what's left of Jor-El explains Krypton's history.

Jor-El: I'm your father, Kal.

Clark: That's my name.

Javert (audio from Les Misérables plays over Jor-El): AND I'M JAVERT!

Jor-El: Our race spread out through the stars. The scout ship was one of thousands launched into the void.

NC (vo): (as Jor-El) We sent thousands of scout ships, yet our back-up plan in case the world blows up was a little baby sized pod. You can see why we didn't last very long.

Jor-El: Artificial population control was established.

NC (vo): So it's explained that Clark is Krypton's first natural birth in centuries. Not exactly sure how they control that, whether everyone just kept to the honor system or they genetically altered babies to be born with chastity belts, but regardless, Clark has apparently broken the chain, and he now knows it's his job to do what he can for all mankind.

(Clark is now Superman, making high jumps)

NC (vo): So he practices flying around the mountainside while the cameraman practices keeping his finger off the goddamn zoom button. (clips of shaky zoom ins are shown) Yeah, you may notice very quickly there's a lot of this in this movie. For no reason at all, whenever there's fast-paced motion, the camera has to zoom in on it like a monkey with a fucking camcorder. How do you think the cinematographer came upon that ingenious move?

(Cut to Malcolm in front of a camera while his daughter - voiced by Rachel - plays with the zoom button)

Daughter: Whee!

Malcolm: No, come on, honey. Give daddy the camera.

Daughter: In, out, in, out!

Malcolm: No, I have to show Mr. Snyder my test footage for Man of Steel tomorrow! No, please, come on, honey. Give it back! Not the self-destruct button! Put that down! The microphone doesn't twist!

Daughter: You look weird!

(We cut to an open mouthed and amazed Zack Snyder (played by Brandon Bledsoe) and Malcolm who's embarrassed)

Malcolm: .......I can explain...

Zack Snyder: I love this...!

Malcolm: I knew you would!

NC (vo): So Lois goes searching for her rescuer/leaver of people to die in the snow, and through asking questions and listening to hearsay, she locates exactly where he is. Of course, this calls for celebrating with another flashback.

Clark: I just want to do something useful with my life.

Jonathan: So farming, feeding people, that's not useful? My family's been farming for five generations, Clark.

NC: But wait a minute, Papa Kent, didn't you just in a few flashbacks say (pulling the earlier scene into frame) that he was destined to change the world when people discovered him?

Jonathan: When the world finds out what you can do, it's gonna change everything.

NC: (pushing the scene out) And now you're saying you never want him to be discovered and you just want him to be a farmer? I'm starting to think Clark has three fathers: Jor-El, John, and (picture of Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden) John's other freaking personality! But get ready for a big shock here. (a tornado is swirling over the countryside) Something big and...

NC (vo): ...terrible tries to kill them. And thus, they all try to seek shelter.

Martha: Hank's still in the car! Hank's in the car!

Clark: I'll get him. I'll get him.

Jonathan: No, don't! (handing a girl to Clark) Get your mom to the overpass.

NC: But wait a minute. (The dog is in the car the Kents were riding in) ...WHAT ABOUT BOOMER???

Announcer: Boomer... (quickly) will be saved by John, even though it would've been a lot easier if he just sent Clark in to go get him, causing John to hurt his leg unable to make it back in time, but he stops Clark from saving him because he's an attention hungry martyr who doesn't want Clark to be outed, even though he's going to be outed just a few years later anyway.

NC: (he cheers, then realizes what was just said) Wait, what?

NC (vo): Yup. Even though there's a million other ways this problem could've been solved, John Kent sacrifices himself because he stands by how Clark should change the world by never doing a goddamn thing.

Joe: He's just doing what he thinks is right.

NC: But it's not right!

Joe: But he thinks it's right.

NC: Does that make it right?

Joe: Does that make it not right?

NC: Not right?

Joe: Right!

NC: Right?

Joe: Right!

NC: Right! (Joe smiles, then he thinks of it) What the hell did we just agree on?!

Joe: You see, this movie's deeper than you think! It's raising questions!

NC: Oh, shut up!

NC (vo): While we're at it, why does everyone in this movie take death like a light breeze? All of the people who die in this film never flinch, move, or even make a noise. And these deaths have ranged from stabbing (Zod killing Jor-El), explosion (Lara dying with Krypton) and tornado. (Jonathan getting sucked up in the tornado) I think somebody in that line-up would at least go "ow!" (Maybe) Well, the movie's tired of waiting for Clark to actually do anything, so General Zod appears on the Monarch ship to threaten the world to hand him over.

Swanwick: I think whoever's at the helm of that thing came to make a dramatic entrance.

NC (vo): Thanks for the arrow, by the way, we never would've known what we're supposed to look at.

(Suddenly a message is played across all screens in the world)

Message: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

(Zod appears on the feed, face blurred)

Zod: My name is General Zod. I come from a world far from yours.

NC (vo): So it looks like their ability to take over all of Earth's video footage understandably gives a barely visible picture. But for some reason, that sound sure seems crystal clear.

Zod: To Kal-El, I say this. Surrender within 24 hours.

NC (vo): (As Zod) And tell Nash thanks for the microphone. It works great.

(Cut to Nash at his computer)

Nash: No problem, tyrannical overlord! (thumbs up)

Zod: Watch this world suffer the consequences.

Orson Welles: This is Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, to assure you that the War of the Worlds has no further significance and it was the holiday offering it was intended to be.

NC (vo): So Clark tries to figure out what to do and seeks the advice of both his mother and possibly a higher source.

(A loud, but faint sound is heard)

NC: What is that?

(The sound gets louder)

Clark: I don't know where to start.

Priest: Wherever you want.

(louder)

NC: I can't make that out. What is that?

Priest: Do you know why they want you?

(the sound is revealed to be a faint I AM JESUS! and it gets louder and louder)

Clark: No. (there's an image of Jesus on the stain glass window behind Clark)

I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS!

NC: (shutting his ears) Dah! I can't hear you over your obvious symbolism! (the shouting gets louder) We get the point, okay? Go to the next scene! Go to the next scene!

(Superman is escorted by soldiers in handcuffs)

NC (vo): Clark reveals himself and surrenders to the military, who have also brought in Lois, seeing how she's the only one who knew anything about his existence.

Lois: What's the S stand for?

Superman: It's not an S. On my world, it means hope.

Lois: Well, here, it's an S.

NC: Ohh! I could look at your S all day!

Joe: Really?

NC: Hey, you've done worse!

(Cut to a clip of Joe's Metro: Last Light review with him singing "Ass and Titties." Joe concedes the point to NC)

NC (vo): So he convinces humanity that he's not a threat, and that he's going to hand himself over to Zod. Humanity goes (in unison) "okay" (normal) and lets him turn himself in to Zod's second in-command, Faora. But she also seems to want Lois to go with, too.

Faora: General Zod would like this woman (pointing to Lois) to accompany me.

Lois: It's all right. I'll go.

Rachel (vo): (As Faora) We also got Julie & Julia on Planet Krypton. You will pay for costing Meryl Streep an Oscar. (As Lois) As if she doesn't have enough. (As Faora) Shut up!

NC (vo): So they go aboard Zod's ship where Clark has a hard time adapting to their atmosphere.

(Superman drops to the floor)

Lois: What's happening to him?

Zod: He's rejecting our ship's atmospherics.

(Superman wakes up as Clark like he's back in Kansas)

Zod: Hello, Kal.

NC (vo): (As Zod) Welcome to my weird mental thingie.

Zod: I and my fellow officers were sentenced to the Phantom Zone.

NC (vo): So Zod explains how they were freed once Krypton was destroyed, and how they got the ship working to travel to Earth to find him.

Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!!

NC: Yeah, we remember.

NC (vo): He explains that the Codex for all living things on Krypton is in his possession, and so he has the power to make Krypton live again.

(Superman now talks to Zod in an apocalyptic wasteland)

Superman: If Krypton lives again...what happens to Earth?

Zod: The foundation has to be built on something.

(Superman is standing on a pile of skulls, sinking into the ground)

NC (vo): You know, is it really wise to tell your only hope for the future of your race that you're going to destroy his place that he calls home? Wouldn't that kind of make him resistant and thus make things go a little slower? Maybe this wasn't what he was supposed to see. Maybe they accidentally put in the wrong program to show him.

(Cut to Rob Walker as Zod with the wasteland background behind him)

NC (vo): (As Superman) If I give you the Codex, what happens to Earth?

Zod: Well, the foundation has to be built on something--(seeing the background) No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no! Skulls!? Skulls everywhere? WHO DOES THAT!? You can't--this isn't going to make him happy! It'll turn him into a raving psychotic! Run the happy program! The happy program! (The scenery now changes to a happier background with dancing flowers, bunnies, and a unicorn flying in the sky) Ahh, see? Much better. Look, we've got dancing bunnies here, and, aww, look at the flowers all smiling...(does a little dance) Oh! There's even a unicorn riding a marshmallow rainbow. Isn't that adorable?

(Lois is thrown into a prison cell by Car-Vex)

Rachel (vo): (as Car-Vex) You'll stay here until we remember the incredibly important reason we brought you on board! (the door closes. The voice is now muffled) Does anyone remember why we brought her on board?!

NC (vo): This gives her a chance to use Jor-El-in-a-box as they plan, what I have to admit, is a pretty awesome escape.

Jor-El: Thanks to you, I'm uploading into the ship's mainframe.

(The door opens on Jor-El's command, then closes once a guard approaches. Lois follows Jor-El)

Jor-El: To your right. Fire. (Lois turns and shoots a soldier dead) Behind you. (Lois kills another soldier)

NC (vo): Oh, my God! I want this guy as an AI on my next first-person shooter game.

(Lois follows Jor-El through the halls as word balloons appear over him. "Remember, health is located in most escape pods." "Press 'A' to open.")

Jor-El: Secure yourself inside the open pod. ("Remember, I won't be playable on Xbox One.") Safe travels, Miss Lane.

(Lois takes an escape pod back to Earth. Superman breaks out of his bonds)

NC (vo): This also allows Clark to escape as he's set to go down to Earth and stop them from harming anybody.

Jor-El: We wanted you to learn what it meant to be human first. So that one day, when the time was right, you could be the bridge between two peoples. You could save all of them.

NC (vo): (as Superman) But my father said never to be noticed or help people. (as Jor-El) Your father's a twat who directed The Postman. (As Superman) Ew. (As Jor-El) Now go.

(Superman flies out with arms stretched out in a cross, making I AM JESUS! be shouted repeatedly again)

NC: (shutting his ears) Errgh! We heard you the first time!

Joe: Hey, what's wrong with a little savior symbolism here or there?

NC: "Here or there"? I don't think the Bible has as much Jesus imagery!

Joe: Okay, okay, but what's someone who's half-immortal and half-human be like? Would he be more human or would he be more godlike? (NC covers his head) Yes, he floats away on a cross, but to me, they're just trying to have him move graceful in space, okay?

Joe (vo): They're not literally saying he's Jesus or anything, god!

Joe: And the church scene supports that he's humble. He's more human than we know. He needs the advice of others to help him make the right decisions, and this is when he truly comes over to our side. Becomes one of us.

NC: You know what? Forget it. Let's just say you win.

Joe: Really?

NC: Yeah. I'll claim it's Citizen Kane so long as I don't have to watch anymore of this dark unpleasantness. It'll probably please half the angry fanboys, too.

Joe: Alright! Score one for AngryJoe! I'm gonna convince you yet!

(Suddenly the show is hacked into)

NC: The hell? You know, how come my show is so easy to hack?

Message: YOU ARE WRONG.

(A mysterious figure is in the picture)

Figure: I come from a world far from you. I have traveled over the ocean of stars to...hold on a second.

(The figure smacks the feed until it's revealed to be Doug's General Zod)

Zod: Why the hell do we still have dial-up? This is General Zod. (NC scoots back in his chair) I have been watching your little review and I'm displeased to discover that you're giving it a positive rating.

Joe: Yeah, he loves it now! It's like one of his favorite movies.

NC: (embarrassed) Shut up, Joe.

Zod: Perhaps you are unaware of how many people watch you, Nostalgia Critic, and how much I personally despise the film you are currently reviewing, and how easy it would be for me to rearrange your testicles so they look like Jackson Pollock droppings.

(NC lets out a big gulp!)

Joe: Joke's on you, Zod! Once the Critic makes up his mind, nothing changes it!

NC: Joe...

Joe: You could literally rip his intestines out with an onion peeler...

NC: Joe...

Joe: ...Or you can suck out his eyes with a vacuum hose...

NC: Joe!

Joe: ...Or you can put him in a lobster costume and hang him upside down over a pit of ferrets injected with venom!

NC: Joe! Surprisingly, this isn't helping! Look, Zod...

Zod: (holding a binder) Hold on, I'm writing that last one down.

NC: Zod, the review isn't done yet. I'm gonna watch it all the way through!

Zod: Very good. And if you don't hate it, I will make sure the corpse they find of you they will never recognize as a corpse!

Joe: Hey, that's not fair! Critic, if you go back on your opinion, you're gonna have the whole of the internet hounding you down like an animal!

(NC is torn between Zod and Joe)

NC: ..............(innocently) Can't we all just hate (poster of) Superman IV?

(And we go to commercial!)

(Superman saves Lois from the pod)

NC (vo): So Clark, or as some people are calling him now, Superman, gets Lois out of the escape pod before it explodes. Aww, what a charming, romantic mo-oh! No time for that. We got exposition to spew.

Lois: I didn't want to tell him (Zod) anything about you, but they did something to me. They looked inside my mind.

Superman: It's okay, Lois. He did the same thing to me.

NC (vo): Huh. Guess they forgot to show that scene. Kinda pointless, seeing how they could get the exact same information out of him. Hell, maybe Zod managed to find the correct imagery this time.

(Back to Rob as Zod with the cutesy background)

Zod: You see, Miss Lane, all of this and more can be yours if you just give us the information we require.

Lois: (voiced by Rachel) Even the unicorn riding the marshmallow rainbow?

Zod: Even the unicorn riding the marshmallow rainbow.

NC (vo): So Zod approaches Clark's mother dressed as that thing from the opening of Alien (a Space Jockey) and tries to force her to tell him where the Codex is.

Faora: The Codex is not here.

(Zod is so mad that he throws a pickup truck into the house!)

Zod: Where has he hidden it?

Martha: I don't know.

Zod: WHERE IS THE CODEX?!?

NC (vo): Haha! Does this guy have any charm outside of just shouting his ass off? How'd this guy get this position anyway?

(Cut to a clip from Blackadder)

Steven Fry: It's all down to shouting! EEHH!!

NC (vo): Superman saves his mother, but potentially dooms this entire town by bringing the battle to them. It seems okay for the moment as Zod can't adapt to Earth's atmosphere, but Miss Not-Ursa and her masked minions can make up for that.

(Superman is launched into an IHOP, crashing through the place)

NC (vo): (as waiter) I'm sorry, sir, the red, white and blue pancakes are at Denny's. I appreciate your enthusiasm, though. (normal) And as many people have pointed out, the product placements in this scene are beyond horrendous, including some painful plugs for IHOP, Sears, 7-11, U-Haul. There's so many ads clashing in this scene that I don't think they can properly plug them all in time.

(Commercial music plays as Superman crashes into the IHOP)

Announcer: (voiced by Malcolm) When in town, get a healthy dose of pancakes from IHOP. (Now Superman's blasted through the 7-11) Oh, wait. When you need a little pick-me-up, grab a slushee from 7-11. (Faora pushes Superman's body in front of a Sears) I-I mean, when you're looking for clothes for any occasion, Sears is the place for you. (Now one of the Kryptonians is throwing a U-Haul truck at a pair of attack choppers) Uh, moving soon? Let U-Haul handle all of your services. (Now a caption pops up saying SUPERMAN DRINKS PEPSI!) Oh, now you're not even trying.

Joe: Alright, alright, I'll give you that one. There is way too much of that in the film. But, Critic, you have to admit, the action scene is still amazing!

NC: What, with countless plugs and people dying left and right?

Joe: Come on! You know your inner man-child can't look past how amazingly awesome the wanton destruction is!

(NC thinks about it while Joe nods, trying to deny it before giving in)

NC: Damn my testosterone. Of course it's fucking awesome!

Joe: I know, right?

(Clips of the fight play as NC squees over it!)

NC: Oh, my God, that scene where he takes the van and he throws it at them! Nyoow! Ka-boom! And that scene where the guy jumps on the jet! Shoom! And Superman's like BOOM and then crashes in the ground! Do-do-do-do-do! And then they're going at it like Dragon Ball Z, except all the shitty stuff is cut out, well, some of it! Not Dragon Ball Z shitty stuff, but new shitty stuff! This stuff is awesome!

(Zod cuts in)

Zod: Pardon me, but was I hearing enjoyment of this picture?

(NC calms the hell down)

NC: Uh, no, sir!

Zod: Good.

(Zod cuts out)

Joe: Pussy.

NC: No, that's what I'm going to be if I piss him off!

NC (vo): He finally gets their helmets off--strange, seeing how Zod's came off in one explosion and theirs took like a bajillion--and seeing how he's won, he goes back to his mother to see if she's alright.

(Superman hugs Martha)

Martha: Nice suit, son.

Superman: I'm so sorry.

Martha: It's only stuff, Clark.

NC (vo): (as Superman) Oh, good. Could you tell the people down the street that? I'm up to my ass in property damages. (normal) But Zod discovers the Codex is in Superman's bloodstream and that he doesn't need to be alive in order for them to get it. So it's time to do a little planet redecorating.

(One of Zod's ships hovers over Metropolis as the city comes to a stop to look at it)

NC (vo): Ladies and gentlemen, because you've never seen the destruction of a major city in a summer blockbuster before, we give you...that thing we just said.

(The ship fires a beam which lets out a large shockwave destroying most of the city)

NC: Oh, my God, look at all the places they're destroying! Including (pictures of said companies are shown) IHOP, Denny's, Toys "R" Us, Sears! Oh, the ingeniously marketed humanity!

NC (vo): So two machines on either side of the world start leveling the planet. This calls for Star Trek-style mumbo jumbo mixed in with a simple analogy that the audience can understand.

Superman: The ship is powered by something called a Phantom Drive. It bends space. Zod's ship uses the same technology, and if we can make the two drives collide with one another...

Dr. Hamilton: A singularity can be created.

Swanwick: Like a black hole.

(Clip from Futurama)

Bender: Like putting too much air in a balloon.

Fry: Of course! It's so simple!

NC (vo): So the army goes to take out the one in the city while Superman goes to take out the one over the Indian Ocean.

Joe: Now I know there's a lot of people who get angry saying "Superman should've taken the one in the city first." No!

Joe (vo): It's not just Superman who saves the world with one direct method.

Joe: Brave civilians, our military, and Superman working together as one. Only he can make it there that fast to the other side of the world.

Joe (vo): And only he could possibly get around its defenses.

NC: Joe, honestly, this set-up is so confusing, I'll just take your word for it.

Joe: No! Everybody goes nuts over this, so I'm gonna explain it!

(NC reaches for a mouse while Joe's off on his tangent)

Joe: What if Superman went for the main one and then went for the other one there? They may not be able to shut the other one down. Maybe the other one has a, a self-destruct mechanism which would blow up the entire earth if the first one got blown up--

(Joe's screen shrinks. NC clicks again, changing the background to Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones with NC's hat and tie saying "Be my Sun and Stars, Critic." NC is pleased)

NC (vo): So Zod adapts to the Earth's atmosphere--apparently half a lifetime of getting used to this can be reduced down to a couple of seconds now--and grabs the scout ship in order to start rebuilding Krypton. Meanwhile, Lois is on board the military ship about to blast the other one to hell when something seems to go wrong.

(Lois puts the key to the Phantom Drive, but it doesn't go in)

Lois: There's something wrong. It's not supposed to do this!

Hamilton: What's it supposed to do?

Lois: It's supposed to go in all the way!

NC (vo): Damn it, Lois, you had one job that we pointlessly put you in charge of and that was just to push a button, and you couldn't even do that right! (The key soon goes in) They do eventually get it to work, but Zod is hot on their trail.

Zod: Target that aircraft.

NC (vo): (as Zod) Terminate with extreme disinterest. (normal) But Superman stops the machine over the Indian Ocean and flies back to destroy Zod on his ship.

(Superman is charging his heat vision)

Zod: Stop! If you destroy this ship, you'll destroy Krypton!

Superman: Krypton had its chance!

(Superman destroys the ship with his heat vision, making it crash into the city)

NC (vo): The bridge between two worlds, everybody! If you have a chance to save a civilization, but...eehh, they were kinda jerks, just destroy any chance of them ever coming back.

NC: I guess "the bridge" in this movie is code for "either us or them." And...honestly, even us (the staff of the Daily Planet is crawling out of the rubble) kinda got the raw end of it.

Jenny: Are they gone?

Perry: I think so.

Jenny: He saved us.

NC (vo): Oh, for God's sake, could you say that in a part of the city that doesn't look quite so...9/11'd? For crying out loud, all that's missing is (President) Bush and a banner that says "Mission Accomplished." (said picture is shown)

(Superman and Lois are kissing)

Lois: You know they say it's all downhill after the first kiss.

(NC and Joe are confused by that)

Both: Who the hell says that?!

NC (vo): But it turns out Zod is still alive and angry that his future has been reduced to hot chocolate mix.

Zod: I exist only to protect Krypton. And every action I take, no matter how violent, or how cruel...is for the greater good…

(Clip from Hot Fuzz)

Cultists: The greater good.

(Zod charges into Superman, sending him flying)

NC (vo): So Zod vows to destroy Superman at any cost. Logically, seeing how he'll chase Superman anywhere, Superman leads him to a location far away from the people so that none of them will ever get hurt--(Superman flies through a building, making it collapse onto the street!) or he once again brings the most dangerous thing in the world to the people he swore to protect! Yeah, I'm sure they're really thankful.

(Cut to Malcolm as Perry as well as Rachel, Jim Jarosz and Brandon talking to Superman)

Rachel: Thanks for saving us, Superman.

Brandon: Yeah. Imagine the real damage that could've been done if you hadn't come to our planet.

Perry: Oh, look, it's Zod.

(Superman looks up and flies off)

Brandon: Oh, Jesus, he's gonna save us again! (Crashes are heard as the group covers themselves from the rubble)

Perry: Way to go, Superman, putting us above all else again!

Rachel: Oh, God, is that the Statue of Liberty?

(Perry, Rachel and Jim get squished by the statue's arm, except for Brandon who walks off, until he gets squished by the head!)

NC (vo): Superman gets him in a headlock, but Zod vows to make what he supposedly cares for most suffer.

(Zod is aiming his heat vision at a family of four)

Superman: Don't do this!

NC (vo): Even though there's about three or four different ways those people could probably get out of there.

Superman: Stop!!

NC (vo): (as Zod) Uh, you have to admit, Supe, this isn't all me. These people are just kind of idiots.

Zod: Never!

NC (vo): Thus we get our biggest controversial moment in all of the movie: Superman breaks Zod's neck.

(Zod drops dead and Superman lets out an anguished scream)

NC: ...really? Nothing from you on that one, Joe? (realizes he had Joe on mute) Oh. (he clicks the mouse to make Joe pop back on)

Joe: --and that's how I saved Christmas with a lightning gun! ......what was I talking about?

NC: The controversial neck-breaking scene.

Joe: Oh, you know, I'm not gonna lie. When I first saw that scene, I hated it. But the more you really think about it, this is a really bold choice. Because ultimately, it lets Zod win. It plays again to a young and inexperienced Clark and how he knows his actions will have huge ramifications.

NC: Yes, because having the city nuked didn't have enough ramifications.

Joe: Point being it's a catalyst now for why he will never ever take another life.

Joe (vo): The fact that he had to do it to one of his own people, one of the last remaining Kryptonians. At that moment, he not only chooses to be human, but he makes the ultimate sacrifice for humanity.

Joe: And he also makes himself forever alone.

NC: I agree.

Joe: Hah! I knew you'd say that (realizing what he said)--wait, what?

NC (vo): Yeah. Surprisingly, the most hated scene by so many fans actually didn't bother me that much. I mean, keep in mind, (clip of Superman II as Superman throws Zod into a bottomless pit) we saw Superman kill Zod in the second movie and no one had a heart attack over that. (back to the movie) And on top of that, even though it could've been illustrated better, I like the idea they were going for. That you won't always have answers to situations that are always ethically pleasing. It's actually a very difficult, very hard thing to come to grips with. ...too bad it's forgotten in the very next scene. He just blows some more shit up because like I said, we haven't seen enough of that.

Joe: Yeah, it's pretty rushed. I mean, he takes down a satellite and then makes a joke about how hot he is, and they never bring it up again. It's almost like the scene before it never freaking happened! It really pisses me the fuck off and they just ruined it right there!

NC (vo): They never established that killing people was a big thing for him. Hell, we saw so many other civilians die, I figured that he'd be used to seeing it by now.

Joe: Um, we never actually see any of those people die as a direct result from Superman. I mean, sure we see people die when Zod's ship is like humping the earth. But I get what you're saying. You're actually saying we agree on the neck-break then?

NC: I think so.

Joe: The one part most fans universally hate...we actually think is okay?

NC: For the most part, yeah.

Joe: So does that actually mean you like it, Critic?

Zod: Yes, does that mean you actually like this, Nostalgia Critic?

(NC looks between Joe and Zod, soon coming to his decision)

NC: .............I still think this movie is awful!

Joe: Oh, come on, man!

Zod: Ha!

NC: No, I'm sorry! I just think it's terrible!

(Clips from the movie play as we come to closing thoughts, both NC's thoughts and Joe's thoughts)

NC (vo): There are some things I like. All the actors to play these roles are good choices, the action scenes are awesome, and though I like the more upbeat Superman, I'm open to the idea of a darker version. But these characters have no identity. Outside of their job and how they look, you wouldn't even know that this was Clark Kent or Lois Lane if they didn't call them Clark Kent or Lois Lane. The millions of subplots are not needed and get in the way of any emotional connection we want to make. The incoherent storytelling is pointless and annoying, and as a superhero, he lets way too many people die in this!

NC: Even if you took Superman's name off of this, I still wouldn't like this stupid, illogical mess!

(And the crowd boos as comments praising the movie pop up on screen)

Joe: I think you're totally wrong, Critic. Everything you just said.

Joe (vo): Those characters seem boring to you because they're not as over-the-top or single noted as the comic book ones or the Christopher Reeve versions. It's a new kind of Superman...

Joe: ...that needs a less clichéd character, okay? It needs a tougher and darker outlook, because we've seen the other Superman stories already.

Joe (vo): Those are still there. And by putting him in these morally confusing lessons that you call illogical...

Joe: ...I see them as challenging.

Joe (vo): And there's no way to save every single body like in previous movies and always get your way.

Joe: There's just a man struggling between what it means to be human and more than human...

Joe (vo): ...and trying to do the right thing, yet he still manages to rise above it and save us all!

Joe: This movie is awesome!

(The crowd boos as comments hating the movie pop up on screen)

Zod: Oh, please, you Houstonians read too much into anything!

Joe: Why don't you say that to my fist, hair gel?

Zod: Ha! Look who's talking!

(Joe and Zod argue with each other while NC thinks)

Jor-El: They can be a great people they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you, my only son.

NC: STOOOOP!!

(Joe and Zod stop arguing)

NC: I think I understand now. Joe, I will never like this movie. I think it's an insult to everything Superman stands for and I will never understand how you can actually like it.

Joe: Oh, nice.

NC: But just because I can't see how doesn't mean I can't understand why.

Joe: Oh, because I'm a blood-hungry psychopath, right?

NC: No! I mean, you are, but that's not why I think you like it.

(As NC speaks, we are shown various clips of the movie's climax)

NC (vo): When I see this movie, I see people dying for the sake of getting violent-craving teens in the seats. But that's not what you see. You see one of your favorite superheroes being tested and put through a greater challenge than ever before, and by having him witness and go through so much intensity, it makes his challenges seem greater and his struggle all the more interesting.

NC: For you, and probably a lot of people that enjoyed this movie, you're seeing the Man of Steel go up against some of the greatest evil that he's...

NC (vo): ...ever gone up against, because of how much damage he does. So when he rises up, you can feel all the more proud of what a terrible thing he's stopped. It's not craving dark, horrible things like a maniac. It's seeing someone fight against those dark, horrible things. (picture of Superman Returns) And not just by him holding heavy stuff, but by standing up for what he feels is important.

NC: I don't see the same thing. But at the very least, that's what you see. So, as long as you're viewing it...

NC (vo): ...because you want to see the best of strength and kindness rise up against the worst of oppression and force...

NC: All I can say is...go ahead and enjoy it, man.

(Joe nods in respect)

Joe: Thanks for understanding me.

(Suddenly Zod busts in through NC's roof!)

Zod: That middle-of-the-road bullshit won't work on me, Houstonian!

Joe: Don't worry, Critic! I'll stop him! Just tell me his location!

(Zod swipes his fingers to minimize Joe)

Joe: Hey, how are you doing that?

(Zod now swipes his fingers to make a model with his face superimposed on it appear)

Zod: Much better. Now, prepare for entree of spilled organs and pain!

(Suddenly, Superman busts in!)

NC: Oh, for Christsake, will you guys stop punching holes in my ceiling?

Superman: I'm here to stop you again, Zod.

Zod: Stay back, Superman, or the Critic's toast! (holding his hand up to make NC back up against the wall)

Superman: Careful, Zod. You know what I can do.

Zod: Oh, yeah? Well, what are you gonna do? Kill me? You break my neck and you'll have message boards all over you like an unemployed writer at Starbucks! So come on, big man, what are you gonna do?

(Superman charges his heat vision as music builds up. Suddenly a zap is heard, Zod yelps and suddenly we're in a cafe!)

Batman: You lasered his balls off?

Superman: Yep. But at least I didn't kill him.

(Superman takes a sip of his coffee while Batman's having to pick his jaw up off the floor)

Batman: But you lasered his balls off!

Superman: I mean, he had it coming. I'm surprised he even had 'em to begin with.

Batman: Jesus. Well, then what'd you do?

Superman: Eh, you know, the usual. Made sure they got Zod. (Cut to a shot of a prison as Zod shouts "Ooh, my balls.) Made out with Lois for a bit. (An arm, (Rachel's arm) motioning Superman to come over as he does so), flew into space, smiled for the camera. (And he does so)

Batman: And I bet you were played off to a Hans Zimmer theme.

Superman: Come on, man.

Batman: No, no, no, no, no, no. I swear, they're, like, exactly the same. I mean, here's my theme. (He does an imitation of his theme from The Dark Knight trilogy) Now here's your theme. (Now he does an imitation of Man of Steel's theme, sounding a bit higher pitched) It's like a semi tone-off.

Superman: Hey, you know, speaking of ripoffs, does this...seem at all familiar to you?

Batman: What do you mean?

Superman: Like just this whole set-up. I feel like I might've seen this before.

Batman: Oh, my God, don't look! (keeping his eyes down)

Superman: What?

Batman: I said, don't look! (Superman looks down, both of them covering their eyes) You looked, didn't you?

Superman: Yes, I did.

(Turns out the people looking at them are Batman and Superman from How It Should Have Ended)

Batman: Did they see you?

Superman: I don't think so.

Batman: Are you sure?

Superman: I can check.

(Superman puts his hand down to see)

Batman: A-ta-ta, don't look! (Superman covers his eyes again)

(Toon Superman clears his throat. Toon Batman grunts)

Superman: They're looking right at us.

Batman: Just keep your eyes down on the table.

Toon Batman: Hey. (the other two don't look) Hey. (still not looking) Batman doesn't have a beard!

Batman: We don't hear that! We're keeping our eyes down on the table.

(Toon Batman laughs and Toon Superman waves)

(We now come to the credits!)

Channel Awesome logo

Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!!

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