(We open with NC in his hotel room in the Plot Hole)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, after insulting our rights to be human beings with Kickassia, The Nostalgia Cricket moved on to even longer projects.
(Shows clip from Suburban Knights, where NC does the famous crotch shot dressed as Link from Legend of Zelda)
NC: Thats... not what I meant. He did "Suburban Knights".
(The title of Suburban Knights is shown, along with clips from the movie)
NC: (vo) Nothing like paying homage to a genre by doing everything you can to destroy it, Suburban Knights tries everything in its power to make sure that not only does it take a hit at every single fantasy film it can think of, but also to make sure you never want to see any of those films again because of it.
NC: So, let's take a look at what's Bigger, Longer, and Uncut- (shows the scene with the crotch shot again) Again, not what I was talking about- this is Suburban Knights.
(cut to the beginning of Suburban Knights Part One, with the driver picking up a mysterious stranger in black)
NC: (vo) So, if you ever wondered what Bill and Ted's mutilated love child looks like, we open up with him driving a car, picking up a hitchhiker.
Bill: Hey, buddy! Need a lift?
NC: (impression of the hitchkiker) Yes, I'm looking for a ride to the Dresden Files.
Mysterious Person: What do you think of the 21st century, Bill?
Bill:*laughing* Dude, what're you on? 'Cause I totally want some?
(Cut to outside Bill's car, where we see his head explode, covering the window in blood)
NC: (vo) WHOA! Um... okaaay, somebody's movie forgot to take it's depression medication. I mean, Ithought this was like fun, adventure, people in dress-up fantasy, ooooh, all sorts of whimsical comedy and-
(Bill's car blows up behind the stranger who walked away from it)
(Cut to NC looking pretty shocked)
NC: ...Did I put in the wrong movie?! I mean, the back of the film says it's a "Hilarious adventure with non-stop fun"! (NC gestures to replay the scene with the car blowing up again) ...Maybe if you call it an Arsonist's Christmas!
NC: (vo) Allow me to follow up that heavy load of serious with a jubilant Puerto rican with red and white shoes.
NC: Doesn't every heavy dramatic moment follow with that?
NC: (vo) But it turns out the car is a scan provided by the NC, who tricks his producers in coming on an adventure with him.
(The tape cuts to a GNN title card)
Nostalgia Chick: Well, already the credits are terrible.
NC: Don't review it! (everyone groans)
NC: (vo) Yeah, telling someone on the internet not to review something is like telling an idiot not to watch TMZ. So they found that a role-playing geek named Jaffers bought a rare expensive gauntlet thinking that it has some sort of magical powers. And the NC wants his team to go find it.
NC: But wait, we need some sort of forced way to get them into silly costumes.
NC: ...apparently he'd written this as a role-playing game in order to find it. Everybody has to get dressed up and act like a fantasy character in order to figure out what these riddles mean.
NC: Brilliant! And I bet the quiet game of babysitting has no other motives either.
NC: (vo) So the next day, the team shows up in a routine that feels like it lasted a suburban night. And they show off their characters in costumes.
Benzaie: (dressed as Conan) Crom!
Sage: (dressed as...) Aslan.
Phelous: (dressed as...) Rockbiter!
MarzGurl: *speaks Japanese* (subtitles: "I am Princess Mononoke, half woman, half wolf.)
Luke: (dressed as Harry Potter ) Expecto tarobitussin!
Mickey: (dressed as...) Peter Pan, the little rapscallion who will never grow up.
NC: (vo) Christ! This isn't the Mickey Mouse Club! Not everyone needs an intro to themselves! Unless your this guy (cuts to NC's intro to himself) which makes it the most pansy intro that you can fathom. (A green arrow points to him below the words "What's up with the head twirl?") So after a few minutes that feels like a few ice ages, we finally get the journey started. Well, sort of. You see, the down side here is that Ma-ti...
Ma-ti: ...from Captain Planet.
NC: (vo) ...wants to come along too. But, nobody wants him because...well he's Ma-ti
Ma-ti: ...from Captain Planet.
NC: (vo) Nostalgia Chick fakes losing her contact lens to distract him and thus in like 40 minutes in, they finally get the story going. They split into two teams and start searching for the treasure. But the path is paved with many obstacles.
Cat: Halt, puny mortals! I am the defender of this path!
NC: (looking puzzled) Okay, if this is a taste of the obstacles we're gonna get in this movie, I say the obstacles from Double Dare are more intimidating.
NC: (vo) But Mr. Flebles, it turns out is more threatening than led to believe and it seems that no one can fight him off. This looks like a job for an Enya music video.
(Scene fades of various trees along with various points of view shots of the Chick are shown.)
Chick: *During the fade outs, she at first speaks Elvish, which is not understood by the viewer.*
(As the puppeteer stands still, looking around in confusion, the Chick uses her distraction and punches him, knocking him out.)
NC: (vo) So the confusion seems to work, and the team continues on. Meanwhile, the other team seems to be moving right along as well. But two team members don't seem to be having the highest hopes.
Film Brain: Listen, Great White North. I know you think you're hot shit around here, but let's make one thing clear. Mr. Critic is mine, do you understand?
NC (imitating Film Brain): I'm his personal ball washer and don't you forget it.
Luke: Well, if I'm so insignificant, why are you bringing this up?
Film Brain: ...You're a pea.
Luke: ...Did you just call me a pea?
NC: And now it's time to play, "How far will you go for a forced joke?"
(There's a timer at the top-right counting the "Time to set up this remarkable forced joke")
Film Brain: *holds up to fingers close together * This is you. And you're screaming to all the other peas, “Oh, save me! Oh, save me! He's going to eat me!” But I've already eaten the other peas. Om nom nom nom! Hahahahahaha!
Luke: Wow. That's a lot of peas.
Film Brain: Yeah.
Luke: And... I'm just full of them.
Film Brain: Right.
Luke: I am totally full of pea-ness.
Film Brain: You got it.
Luke: So... What are you gonna do?
Film Brain: I will eat your pea-ness!
(The rest of the group, having heard only Film Brain's last remark, looks back in shock and disgust. Timer ends 28 seconds.)
NC (sarcastically): Wow! (point at the timer) I can't wait to see what that's gonna be because I'm gonna edit it in later. But needless to say, that's a very long time!
NC: (vo) But they come across the Naz-goofs who tell them that they cannot pass any further. To make things worse, it seem that they actually do have magical powers. Which leads to the typical Channel Awesome battle cry:
Todd: Wet yourselves and run! (The group makes a hasty retreat.)
NC: (vo) Back in team one, we see them taking a break as obnoxiously mugging of the camera every second they're on takes a lot of energy. This leads to...*sigh* this scene.
Lupa: Well, there's a certain article of clothing that you have on that you may not be used to...
Chick: And as such, there's a certain etiquette you might wanna keep in mind while you're...wearing it?
NC: *leans back, exposing his brief-covered crotch* What are you talkin' about?
(An extreme close shot of NC looking absolutely shock as they zoom the infamous crotch shot)
NC: Ahhhhh! (panicking) I need an adult! I need an adult! Jesus! It feels like my senses just got one of those combo hits from those Capcom fighting games.
NC: What are you talkin' about? *shows his crotch again*
(NC's repeatedly punched as the combo timer moves. He passes out.)
Announcer: Gross-out shot wins! Ballality!
NC: (vo) Ma-ti eventually finds the missing contact,funny seeing NChick never drop the contact. Which means the NC has to think of another way to get rid of him.
NC: There's another special mission that we need you for.
NC: And let's see. Since there isn't enough material for male porn fanfiction in this movie...
NC: ...Mickey likes goats.
(NC points to a picture of a goat)
NC: ...this is a problem that he has to live with every day. Look at the anger on that face. *Mickey stares angrily, shaking his head* Look how tormented he is. That is years and years of pain building up.
NC: (vo) You know It's amazing how much abuse a certain someone could take and how much humiliation a film can put a certain someone through.
NC: And I, just like you, see it and acknowledge it. Leave the goats alone, Nostalgia Cricket!
NC: (vo) There is nothing wrong with animals wanting to express themselves sexually. If there was, we see these everywhere.
(Shows a picture of two goats with their privates censored)
NC: (vo) But the trick works as they goes along their merry way. The other team, on the other hand, is not going so well.
(The Cloaks approach and Cloak 1 readies and throws another spell. JewWario turns and manages to deflect it off his crotch, yelping and running away. The Cloaks dodge it, and Cloak 3 puts his hand on Cloak 1's shoulder.)
NC (sarcastically): More penis jokes please?
NC: (vo) Seriously, the humor in this movie sounds on par with the birthday cards you get at Spencers'.
Paw: Ah, at last! A worthy place to call our battlefield!
(The group yell and run over to...a children's playground. They get into position as the Cloaks approach.)
NC: (vo) Well, it only figures this is where adult children will end up.
Paw: Ah, bring it! Bring it! Bring it!
(Marzgurl fends one off with her spear as Joe and Snob fight in the background.)
NC: (vo) Why is it I get the feeling this is why parents tell their kids to stay away from certain people at playgounds?
(The two groups continue to fight, when suddenly...)
Voice: 'Scuse me!
(The two groups stop and look to see a mother and her daughter staring at them.)
NC: (vo) But the powers that be and their...kids put the fight to a halt.
Spoony: We must make haste to another battlefield! One where parent's permission matters not!
NC: (vo) And our team manages to escape, leaving the map behind. Our walking Broadway musical doesn't have much better luck as they come across a foe even more horrifying than a puppet cat.
NC: Yeah, I don't try to imagine.
Witch: *with a friendly wave* Hello!
NC: (vo) It's Sarah Palin dressed up as a Chuck Jones witch.
Witch: Ah, ha, ha, alright, very funny...
NC: (vo) But once again the obstacle seem to be more dangerous than expected.
(The witch grabs Critic's wrist to a dramatic chord. Critic looks down at the witch, who looks up at him with glowing red eyes and begins to speak in a demonic voice.)
Witch: YOU WILL PERISH IN THE FLAMING PITS OF HELL!
(Critic screams hysterically as the witch makes her threat. Critic is finally able to escape the witch's grasp and cowers behind Nostalgia Chick. The witch then screams maniacally and summons lightning from the sky, causing the party to scatter all around.)
NC: (vo) My god, she manages to hit everything except what she's actually trying to hit.
(The witch continues her spell, cackling demonically.)
NC: (vo) Handsome Tom manages to mace her as the rest of the crew wonders just how powerful their enemies are. Meanwhile, a Kirsten Dunst look-a-like comes across the map and Gandulf the Black has other plans...
Girl: Well, if it's not yours, I'm takin' it? Finders keepers.
(The girl tries to take the map from the stranger, but the stranger holds on to it to a dramatic chord. A bolt of red lightning crashes on top of the girl, causing her to explode. The stranger, map in hand, walks away from the pool of fire where the girl once was.)
NC: (vo) Well, at least she doesn't have to star in Spider-man 3. In a strange turn for the moment, he seems to return and then suddenly vanishes away. Give these guys enough time to vanish in.
(Cloak 2 pulls out a machine gun. She then opens fire at the party, who are still fleeing in terror.)
NC: Kinda odd they didn't use that before.
Joe: MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! (Joe unleashes a hail of bullets onto the cloaks, who begin to withdraw.)
NC: (vo) And kinda odd HE did use that before!
Joe: KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!!!
NC (imitating Joe): ...of the 6 of you that remember training that your laughing asses off now! (continue firing)
NC: (vo) But if there's anything that history has tought us is that Americans know how to screw the Brits.
(A hand turns Film Brain around. Film Brain is terrified to see it is Cloak 1. Cloak 1 slaps Film Brain's wand from his hand, then slaps his face. Film Brain screams in pain.)
NC: (vo) Thus Film Brain gets captured and is turned into one of the Cloaks. While that's going on, the other teammates come across the location of the man who started in all, Chuck Jaffers, who vanished into a book and cursed to forever carry a bad Rick Moranas impression.
Jaffers: Oh yeah. He found out what I was doing and wasn't too happy. That dude is messed up.
NC: (vo) He tells them that the man following him is Malachite and he's using them to find his magic gauntlet so he can get his full power back. But in a pretty out of nowhere turn, Jaffers decided he hates the critics and decides they're enemies.
Jaffers: Hey, man, thanks for letting me stay here for thirty years. I was trapped in a book.
NC: A line which will leave mark to him.
NC: (vo) So the cloaks decided their gang already looks enough like a Monty Python sketch without the British's help. Thus, they decide to ditch him and drive away.
(Cut to a parking lot, where the Cloaks are in a silver sedan but Cloak!FB catches up to them.)
C!FB: Wait! Wait! Come back! I can be a Cloak too! *The sedan pulls out onto the street.* We had cars?!? Why were we walking the whole time?!?
NC: *chuckle* No, that's actually a legit question. Why were they walking the whole time!?
NC: (vo) The team gets him back and eventually hypnotizes him to his normal self. Or as normal as Film Brain could be. This leads them to the final location, when they find a light, who I think was voiced by the Irate gamer, who tells them the back story of our villain Malachite.
Voice: The alchemist was named Aeon, the sorcerer was named Malachite. The king told Aeon he wanted to devote all his power into creating the strongest force on Earth. So Aeon responded "In reason and science is where our future lies."
NC: (vo) You know for a story told on sand paper, it's really not that bad. You will believe an epic tale can be told by a person with a Jersey accent.
Voice: So Malachite stopped using magic, allowing him to live longer and longer, watching the world of magic fade, and the world of science and technology consume the Earth.
NC: (vo) And of course, it's always refreshing having heard such a heavy story to return to a bunch of ass-halves in Halloween costumes.
NC: Tone *pop* you are set. (nods his head)
NC: (vo) This leads them to the final location which it turns out to be right back where they started.
NC: IT'S RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED!?!?
NC: And no, you can't have your hour and a half back.
NC: (vo) By the way, the Dude in the suede comes back also. I guess he escaped New Zealand for the mines of Moria. And he shows them the location of the gauntlet, which now turns out to be a power glove.
Mickey: I'm not gonna lie. That is friggin' awesome!
NC: Nice. It's like Indiana Jones looking for the Ark of the Covent and it turns out to be a Turbo-Graphic 16.
NC: (vo) Unfortunately, they're attack by the Clarensail and Hot Topic and they use their magic and such to try and stop them. But fortunately, the rest of the team comes in to save the day.
(JewWario stands atop the hill and unzips his pants. A bright flash comes from his crotch that blinds Jaffers' team.)
(NC gets repeatedly punched again and passes out.)
Announcer: Gross-out shot wins! Jewality!
(Spoony & co. charge and attack them.)
NC: (vo) It seems like the day is won, but the evil Micheal Jackson back-up dancer wants what is rightfully his. And pretty much gets it.
(NC holds up the Power Glove, but Malachite just telekinetically grabs it from NC’s hand)
NC: (vo) The team seem to suffer from the Ninja Turtle Movie Syndrome as none of them figure out when they actually make more sense to attack him all at once instead of one at a time. Oh curses, if we only had an obnoxious plot resolution taken from a cameo that's been exploited to ridiculous degrees.
(At the word “heart,” a ball of purple energy bursts from Ma-Ti’s ring. It hits Malachite and knocks him back. Everyone is shocked and Malachite is stunned.)
NC: (vo) That's right Ma-ti has the ring to defeat Malachite. How did he get the ring? Why was it passed down to him? When did he ever get it to begin with?
NC: Never answered! I'm just assuming that his family is a bunch of thieving gypsies!
(A massive explosion of energy knocks Malachite and Ma-Ti away and whitewashes everything.)
NC: (vo) Thus, Malachite is defeated. What have what pause.
(The chanting fades, however, when NC and the reviewers see Ma-Ti lying on the ground.)
NC: (vo) Oh just that a small idea. That's what I thought.
Ma-Ti: The power is yours.
NC: *Seeing that Ma-Ti has died* No…
NC: (vo) And just in case you have any questions about liking this character before, they burn his body and shove it into an oatmeal can.
NC: Kinda zen decency , thy names are Suburban Knights.
NC: (vo) They launch him into the sky and it seems the NC has to deal with death.
Linkara: Unless you were out looking for the Necronomicon or something.
NC: *raises an eyebrow and brings a hand to his chin* Necronomicon, huh?
(Cut to the woods, where Chester A. Bum is opening an envelope.)
Chester: Oh my God, I won a car!
NC: (vo) To be excitingly continued in the brief side DVD extras.
NC: Ummm, Adventure?
NC: (vo) This film is stupid. The writing is stupid. The characters are stupid. The only words that seem to be leaving my lips are stupid. So I'll just say it again. Stupid, stupid, stupid! But, is this the last the Nostalgia Cricket has to offer us?
NC: Well, what other genre can be destroyed that they haven't touched yet?
(Shows the crotch shot for the last time with the words "PORN?")
NC: Nah, nah, that's destroyed a lot.
(The theme for To Boldly Flee starts to play as NC thinks. And he starts to frown looking at the viewers.)
Cut to black. End credits.
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