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NC - To Boldly Flee

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[1] (We open up to NC's hotel room in the Plot Hole)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, we've reached the end of the Nostalgia Cricket's resume of cinematic crap. So why not end on a high tone. (pause) Because he's not talented enough. To Boldly Flee.

(The title of To Boldly Flee is shown, along with clips from the movie)

NC: (vo) Like Sci-fi movies? You won't after this. This film does for science fiction what disaster movies does for... disaster movies. References left and right while never figuring out why they need to make them. Last minute drama to make up for their lack of comedy. And of course, we come full circle. Seeing a guy who started from his parents basement, make a video exploiting empire, resulting to him going back to his parents basement.

NC: Need I say more? Sadly, I have to. This is To Boldly Flee.

NC: (vo) We start off with the NC feeling depressed over the lost of his friend Ma-ti. Of course he waits an entire year and never referencing this in any of his videos. But for the fourth year, I guess he figured it's time to think about him again.

(Film Brain's phone rings)

Film Brain: Hello?

NC: Hey, Film Brain.

FB: Nostalgia Critic! How wonderful to hear your voice!

NC: (sighs) Ma-Ti, you know. I’d never thought I’d end up missing him.

FB: You’re probably feeling guilty.

NC: Nah, that’s not it.

NC: (vo) No, that would require development. And ironically, we're probably gonna get way too much of it in this one.

Man: Nostalgia Critic?

NC: Yeah?

Man: You’re under house-arrest.

NC: (vo) He finds that he is placed under house-arrest because his old friend Terl, has somehow acquired legal action.

Terl: ... and I will not rest until he faces the cruel hand of JUSTICE!

NC: Give him credit for not doing any jokes with a lawyer who represents illegal aliens. But you know, if they thought it, they would.

NC: (vo) But meanwhile, some of the Channel Awesome crew hear a sound in space. Their conclusion, it's big.

SFG: Whatever it is, it’s gigantic.

Joe: ...is it me or does it look like it’s getting bigger?

NC: (vo) Thank God, we spent two minutes on that scene. Things get even stranger, when apparently Spoony's mind has been possesed by the mind of Ma-ti. Which forces him to do God-awful impressions that will later be surpassed by other God-awful impressions.

Spoony: (sounding a bit like Ma-Ti throughout this scene) Help me, Critic! Take me home!

NC: (vo) Meanwhile, we see Linkara is knocked out by his robot double Mechakara, who keeps alive simply because if he escapes, he could say Linkara came out of the closet.

(Joke drum rolls)

NC: (vo) We see later that NC is approached by the Last Angry Geek, who apparently freaks him out so bad, he scares his glasses right on to him.

LAG: Why did you leave Ma-Ti in that oatmeal can?

NC: We cremated him. That usually does the trick.

LAG: Only his body was dead. Critic. His character survived.

NC: (vo) So, through the magic of surreal fourth wall jokes, we find out that Ma-ti has left his character in someone's mind. Who could it possibly be? Clearly the answer lies in the people who are no longer on the site.

NC: Spoony. Of course! Spoony has his character.

NC: (vo) We see Dr. Howard and Dr. Fine try to read Spoony's mind, only to find out that Ma-ti has truly possessed it. Gee, it a good thing NC call them and let them know the footage that they fou... oh wait, he never did that because he's having a seven heaven moment with the Nostalgia Chick.

NC: ...every single time I get one of these dreams, I feel like it's calling me to someplace important, someplace where I belong, someplace ... where I can make a difference.

NC: (vo) I just can't get enough of the NC telling us how he feels. Does he do it any more in this special? You know, just because a woman is talking to you in a comfy chair doesn't mean this is a Barbara Walters interview! It's gonna take us a "Flight of the Navigator" knock-off to knock off this funk.

Block: Of course, wormhole theory! It's the only way he could travel.

Tease: It's the only logical explanation.

Block: Spoony, where is the hole?

NC: (pretends to hold up a doll) Just point to the doll and tell us where he touched your hole.

(Star charts start showing up on the computer.)

Snob: What's he doing?

Tease: He's searching through star charts.

Block: Our computers don't have this information!

NC: Your computers don't have any information on Jupiter?

NC: (vo) Ma-ti start communicating through both Spoony's mind and NC's computer, in the hopes of really doing nothing more than scare the living shit out of them. How? By blowing up their computers, which somehow shows smoke, damage and debris in one shot but not in the other.

NC: Subtle bastard!

NC: (vo) But a prick named... Prick, has come in to steal Spoony for an evil cooperate Executor, which this movie seem to think always wears evil robes and talks in threatening voices.

NC: Well, at least they got something right.

NC: (vo) Unplugging from the machine the scientist made... wait are they scientist or doctors, maybe their ice cream truck drivers, regardless, unplugging what seem to cause all sorts of chaos around the world

(Everyone looks concerned as Spoony's eyes open to reveal a white glow. He lets out a fiery blast through his mouth that explodes through the ceiling.)

Voice: Zuul, Motherfucker, ZUUL!

NC: Yeah I know, as if enough Ghostbusters references were made.

NC: (vo) The NC decides enough is enough and beams his fellow reviewers to his house, where he ask them for help once more.

NC: Please. I'm-I'm beggin' ya here.

JO: Well, it would be good of us to help out our fellow reviewer.

Everyone: Yeah.

SadPanda: ...there will be no one left to watch our reviews.

Sage: And then there will be no one left to criticize!

Everyone: Yeah.

Film Brain: And then we won't get paid!

Everyone: Yeah!

NC: And we could only afford one more of these anniversaries anyway.

Everyone: ...YEAH!!!

NC: (vo) So they go to their scientist friend Dr. Insano, who for someone who doesn't want to help, was sure nice enough to let them inside, and explains what's causing all this chaos.

Insano: (dramatic turn) ...a Plot Hole! Forwards is backwards, and backwards is forwards! It's a gateway to madness, and it's out of control.

NC: (vo) Good God! This is beyond fourth wall jokes. This is like if the fourth wall had a mouse hole and the mouse hole had four walls, and they had a termite hole and the termite hole had four walls, that's the fourth wall we'll be looking through. You know, the twelveth wall.

Insano: So, are there any other questions I can help... (Sees everyone and everything gone) Oh, son-of-a-bitch!

NC: (vo) So they steal what they can from Insano's place and build the NC's house into a spaceship. Think Pixar's Up, only with more homo-eroticism. speaking of man on man, we get a humorous scene where Mickey finds out from Prick that Spoony's being held on Europa. How does he find this out? I think even Charles Manson would be squilish to tell you the details. Meanwhile, the Executor send along General Zod to held Terl with his inabillity to... well, do anything.

Zod: (he turns around to address Terl) Terl, order your men to transform this vessel into a house!

Terl: But why?

NC: (imitating Zod, pointing back) Because these green-screen backgrounds cost a lot of money.

NC: (vo) So sure enough, they transform this ship into a Mac-mansion. But that doesn't distract from our reviewers doing more mugging. JesuOtaku somehow gets transformed into Ed. CR somehow gets transformed into... GeordiClops. And Luke and Snob somehow transformed into Will and Grace.

Luke: We've got something better.

Snob: What's that?

Luke: A family. That's a beautiful thing.

Snob: I suppose.

Luke: Snob. Promise me something.

Snob: (looks over at Luke) Yeah?

NC: Propose before we get to Jupiter. I don't think I'm being greedy in saying that.

NC: (vo) But Mechakara can't keep his drill in his pants and starts assimilating the crew starting with the Nostalgia Chick.

NC: It's about time. Where were you?

Mechakara: Counting the approximately four hundred and twenty five point six two billion stars that comprise this galaxy.

(Lupa looks suspicious.)

NChick: And using that number to estimate the travel time to Jupiter.

NC: (vo) Now, you might be asking how nobody could pick up by the fact that their androids, but to be fair, their acting is just about as robotic as everyone else is on this ship.

(The Exit Strategy approaches Jupiter, with the appropriately placed piece "The Planets - Jupiter" by Gustav Holst playing.)

NC: (vo) So they finally reach Jupiter and send three crew members down to rescue Spoony, as the S.S. Leather Bar shows up.

Terl: FIRE!!!

(Their mansion fires lasers at the Exit Strategy, which carves into the outside panels. Everyone shakes around.)

NC: (vo) This of course puts them in the greatest crisis so far in the movie, asking yourself if they're doing this to get their security deposit back.

Zod: We wish for you to beam aboard this vessel and face the wrath of Zod. (Terl bumps him) And Terl.

Terl: But mostly Terl!

NC: (vo) So they threaten the NC that if he does beam abroad, he'll kill his crew members down on the planet.

Phelous: Ahhh! (the guard repeatedly stabs him with the others watching in horror the whole time as blood starts flying everywhere) Oh, ah! Ah! Ah! (as the guard starts to get up, Phelous coughs) Oh, why would you do that? (the guard returns and stabs him some more with him groaning and choking more) Oh, that hurts so MUCH! (the guard can't believe it, so more stabbing) Oh, COME ON- (the guard looks relieved) Oh, I think I'll be all right, though. (even MORE stabbing as the others are now annoyed).

NC: (vo) Jesus, even the people from Family Guy would say this joke goes on too long.

NC: (imitating Peter Griffin) This is worse than the time a random thing with a famous random thing within a not sequandor cut-way. (cut to more stabbing) Do you remember that Lois? (turns his head to his right)

NC: (imitating Lois Griffin off-screen) What does it matter, we showed the clip.

NC: (vo) But his red shirtedness caused him to come back. As they work on a plan that, you know is long and complicated and really just exists to give you some slapstick, so here's some slapstick.

(Shows some fast-forward clips with NC fight off the guards in the basement and in the fields accompanied with some Slapstick music)

NC: You know the NC is one of the greatest physical comedians of our time. And that you physically want to hurt him every single time his on-screen.

NC: (vo) So he's being beamed into one area that not right, beamed into another area that's not right, then he's beamed into another and another and another and another and another and I didn't think there was such a thing as beaming fetish but you know what, I think the NC's got it.

Zod: Vamonos!

NC: (vo) In all the commotion, Cinema Snob gets captured and is taken to the Executor, where he's fed the rare delicacy of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies.

NC: Hey, I don't care what anyone says, those things are caviar.

NC: (vo) But the Executor or... least convincing old man make-up since Prometheus, convinces the Cinema Snob that if he joins his side, he's able to transform from his Z grade movie reviewer to... Z grade movie maker.

Clod: (he suddenly pops up behind Snob and puts his hand on his shoulder) Think of it, Bradakin. Real lights. Real equipment. Key grips and best boys.

NC: And shoes, Bradakin. You're at last allowed to wear shoes in your videos.

NC: (vo) Meanwhile, Mechakara turns Todd into a threatening machine of cardboard and plastic. But unfortunately, the crew is too busy seeing the machine that CR and JO created, which seems to have the power to see into Spoony's mind.

(Film Brain enters the door into a dark room with a metal-looking device. His eyes soon bug out. Why? Suddenly, a very skinny and nearly naked Spoony with a mullet and speedo (a la Dune) appears.)

(NC's repeatedly punched as the combo timer moves. He passes out.)

Announcer: Gross-out shot wins! Thongality!

Film Brain (vo): Fucking Hell!

NC: (vo) Okay seriously, this may be the first time a film series get a sexual harassment case from a guy. There's more man-skin in this movie than Leatherface's wardrobe. Either somebody come out of the closet or Double bolt that closet so we don't have to look it.

(FB enters the "Subconscious" door into a dark realm.)

NC: (vo) They finaly come across Ma-ti, or least the two to three actors playing Ma-ti, as he tells Film Brain that he's collided with the Hole which is spreading all the choas. And that the only way to stop it is to force the NC to go in.

Ma-Ti: Bring him to the hole, and all will be revealed.

NC: (looking bored) And if that doesn't work, I definitely have a hole the NC could climb into.

NC: (vo) The executor continues to lure the Snob but the Last Angry Geek tries to break in and save him.

Clod: (now deformed) POWER!!! (shocks the LAG with the lightning) POWER!!!

LAG: (he is obliterated)

NC: (vo) Boy, this special is blood-happy. How come the people who often specifically talk about Sci-fi in their reviews are the first ones to go in this movie.

Snob: (kneels before him) I will do whatever you ask.

NC: (vo) Cinema Snob turns like a flapjack and is suddenly evil now, which is good because it's just time for Film Brain to learn about it.

Executor: ...the world will crumble before the power of the Death Bomb.

NC: (vo) Wow, Ma-ti as the Plot hole could do just about anything through the power of implausibility. So much so that you kinda wondered why he doesn't just destroy the NC to begin with. I mean yeah, we hear later, he wants the end of the world to happen by the NC's hand but, dude, if the NC destroys everything, who are you gonna glot that to? What, you think a few seconds before the NC destroys everything you're like...

(There's the picture of the Earth)

NC: (as Ma-ti) NC did it, haha. (the Earth explodes)

NC: Rock solid plan there.

NC: (vo) But the crew has been knocked out by team Inspector Gadget and it's up to Obscurus Lupa and *sigh* more man-whoring to save the day.

Lupa: Todd, if you fight back... I'll go out on a date with you!

Todd: (long pause) Really?

NC: (vo) So that's what's needed to snap Todd out of it, the possibility of sex. Through given the nipple counted in this movie, I doubt it's from any lady anytime soon.

(Todd removes his helmet (while not showing his face, of course). A horrified Seven of Eleven lets out a blood-curdling screech that blows up Mechakara's face.)

NC: Eh, he's still as bad as Gene Simons without his make-up.

NC: (vo) So Film Brain fills them in about the Executor's evil plan and how the Cinema Snob is on his side. Looks like the only thing to set this right is a cameo brought by the left-over budget money for a last minute plane ticket.

Oancitizen: Help you I can. (does a flat Yoda impression) Mmm hmm hmm hmm.

(He thrusts the tube into Luke's head as a blinding light takes over.)

NC: (vo) He gives him a zap of movie brain juice which demonstrates the power of cinema as oppose to just the crap.

Oancitizen: For every two dozen Phantom Menaces, there is a Return of the King. For every two-bit Shyamalan, (here, we see...) a Stanley Kubrick is born.

NC: (vo) For every realization Where the wild things are is a brilliant movie, there is other realization that maybe the Dark Knight Rises was incredibly stupid.

(A blinding light brings Luke back to his room as he pulls the tube out of his head.)

Luke: I'm ready.

NC: (vo) Zod and Terl starts celebrating their victory while the rest of the team beam to their separate locations to try to distract them. And good luck getting this fucking song out of your head for the next two weeks

(Oancitizen dances behind NChick throughout this as Joe and Marzgurl continue to shoot the guards. The Critic is also seen exiting the ship through his garage inside his car, which is modeled just like Doug's Mazda 3.)

NChick: (Singing) I’m a distraction / Of pure satisfaction / Keep your eyes all on me / For what you’re gonna see / Will redefine the height of attraction

NC: Actually if you look at the back of your DVD case you will find there's an extra recording of Duck Tales just to help you out with that.

NC: (vo) This leads to an explosion, fire, mugging, ripping of scene from movies that honestly aren't that really iconic and also the NC entering the Plot Hole to find... a desperate plead to find the writer clever.

Doug: And in the anniversary, I write that you go inside this anomaly; and the only thing I could think of that'd be really cool inside that anomaly is if you meet up with the writer: Me.

NC: I saw Charlie Hoffman try this and film study classes are still pretending like they know what he's talking about.

NC: (vo) We also see a fight scene between Cinema Snob and his apprentice Luke.

(Snob and Luke fight with lightsabers a la Star Wars.)

NC: (vo) Gee, thank god the actor playing Snob isn't claustrophobic or anything. Oh wait, he is. Well, we just found one person suffering more through this movie than me.

Luke: I'm a critic. An artist... like my father before me.

Executor: Your father was just an improv comedian on Canadian television.

Luke: And Whose Line is it Anyway?!

Executor: That wasn't exactly Citizen Kane, kid.

NC: (taken back) Holy Smokes! Luke's father is Wayne Brady?!

NC: (vo) Nah, actually I could see it.

(Executor shocks Luke with lightning bolts from his fingers; Luke drops to the ground, writhing)

NC: (vo) But Cinema Snob is desperate to be in at least one original scene and brings this one to a close.

(He turns Executor, pointing his shockwaves towards a mirror that reflects the waves right back at him.)

Executor: AH!!

(Executor is hit by his own electricity, which sends him flying into a wall. Snob helps Luke up.)

Snob: Come on, kid. (takes off his helmet) Some films are worth fighting for.

NC: The ones... not premiered online.

NC: (vo) Film Brain and Sage go in to try to fight Ma-ti as well, but Ma-ti is certain that the NC will make the choice that will destroy them all.

Doug: Every character has a purpose. If not, why would you write them?

NC: I don't know. I've been asking that all throughout this entire movie.

Doug: It's up to you.

(The Critic approaches the front door. He opens it to reveal a bright light and steps outside with a smile on his face to see the bright new world ahead of him.)

NC: (vo) Oh yeah, who needs action, adventure and space travel when you have suburbia. Pfft, this is where it's at!

Ma-Ti: And here... we... go.

(He puts his leg out in front of him but finds that something is stopping him.He holds this position for a long time.)

NC: (imitating.. someone, please cite) You mush believe, boy. You mush believe.

NC: *sigh* Eh. It was probably just as phony anyway.

NC: Yeah, if you watch the rating for Glee, you're probably right.

NC: (vo) So the NC makes the right choice and even manages to say he's sorry to Ma-ti, which warms his heart so much that he finally decides to leave and be at peace.

(The plot hole disappears into the image of Spoony's neck as everyone smiles with relief. Suddenly, the world darkens as shaking sounds start happening. The Plot Hole starts growing more outside the two ships. There's a timer on the top saying, "TIME BOMB SET! ESCAPE IMMEDIATELY!")

NC: (vo) But because this movie wants to top Return of the King of most unnecessary endings , the Plot Hole becomes unstable and is going to destroy everything. There's only one thing to do.

NC: (he dials on his phone) Send in the cameos!

NC: (vo) Yes yes, look at those cameos, look at them bloom. There's more cameos here than all Muppet movies put together. Even that stranger one made by Sarah Silverman that was weird , what did she have to do with Muppets. So as the Plot Hole gets bigger, both literally and metaphorically, the critics watch as their doom comes closer.

JO: (vo) I guess this is it...

Luke: (to the group at large) Hey, remember your first review?

FB: Mine was Equilibrium.

Sage: That wasn't smart.

FB: No. The fanbase absolutely hated it...

Snob: I liked it.

Joe: I don't even remember my first review. I just remember being really angry, and loving every minute of it

NC: (vo) Oh yeah, I'm totally convinced they're not gonna make it. Channel Awesome will fire all of them in one swoop just for shits and giggles and yet they stilll show up to shoot their finales at the same time. Onward poorly deceiving soldiers.

(Epic music starts to play as the two ships head into the plot hole. Everyone watches nervously. NC and Nerd watch as the Exit Strategy goes through.)

NC: (vo) Of course they don't die but the NC does manage to merge with the hole in order to keep it stable thus sacrificing his life... ish.

NC: I don't know. Can we find the most annoying character possible to explain better?

Dr. Insano: (emerging from behind Santa Christ) I can answer that one.

NC: Right on cue.

Insano: The plot hole created havoc because we used to live in a universe that made sense...

NC: Yeah but...

Insano: ...but now the hole is the universe, there is no conflict!

NC: But then how...?

Insano: Crazy is the new normal!

NC: Do you ever...?

Insano: ...there will always be inconsistencies.

NC: But how the...?

Insano: ...surprises that make life worth living!

NC: But how the...?

Insano: Your movie's just begun...

NC: Yeah but...

Insano: ...just like all of ours...

NC: Did you ever make...?

Insano: ...so make it a good one...

NC: Oh, wizard did it. Bring on the booze.

(Cut to AskThatGuy's house where Crushin' Boots is heard and everyone is partying in the basement, including a shirtless Mickey.)

NC: (vo) So everyone parties like... oh I don't know, they can survive the end of the world, all of them seeming to be pretty okay with the fact that the NC isn't around anymore. In fact, I dare even say they totally forgot about him. But it's okay, I'm sure he has a conversation with a talking parrot head, opens up his umbrella and flies away to the sky once more. Or screw it, let's just rip-off a different movie.

(The plot hole comes in view.)

NC / The Plot Hole: I... am the Nostalgia Critic.

NC: And that was To Boldly Flee, and what a shock, it made me want to boldly flee.

NC: (vo) These movies are stupid, cheesy, obviously low budget, and is fairly clear it's a chance for the Nostalgia Cricket to try and throw his ego every single time he's on-screen. Hey, you know what you should really start growing, a hairline or your ability to stop parading your probable homosexuality. These films were a giant frigging waste.

NC: But I guess I can't be too angry, I mean after all, this is coming from a guy who is very similar to me. Actually, I dare even say eerie similar. Scarily similar. Scarily, eerie similar.

(NC thinks of a moment as the zoomed clips of himself is shown, trying to make a connection back and forth. He slowly realize that...)

NC: My god, Nostalgia Cricket is... and always have been... Phelous!

(zoom out)

NC: Nah, it will be happy for Obscurus Lupa to figure it out. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember so you don't have to. (pauses to think again.... but moves on)


Cut to black. End credits.

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