New Guardians #2

New guardians 2 at4w

May 25, 2009
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Sex-crazed international clichés vs. the awesomest villain ever!

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. I've talked before about how the most recent Blue Beetle spun out of the crossover event "Infinite Crisis", so it should come as no surprise for you guys that lots of comics have spun out of other summer crossover events.

(Cut to shots of the comic series "Millennium")

Linkara (v/o): For example, there's the crossover event "Millennium". It featured two main plots. One was that the Manhunter robots were secretly infiltrating Earth and disguising themselves as friends of heroes within the universe. The second plot was the stupider one: ten human beings who will be the next stage of evolution in the universe. Yeah, because that's how evolution works. Some of those ten were dead or evil by that point, but the few that were still alive were imbued by the guardians of the universe with powers.

(Cut to a shot of the cover for an issue of "The New Guardians")

Linkara (v/o): The series lasted only twelve issues. Supposedly, the idea was that since most of these characters were original creations, they could explore themes that weren't touched on in regular mainstream books, and the characters could change significantly within the book over time.

Linkara: Editors, however, quickly squicked out at the idea of having these superheroes deal with sexuality and drugs and etc. It doesn't help that the team was a pastiche of new foreign characters that were basically stereotypes from the get-go. And what was the team's mission? (holds up index finger) To have lots of sex so they could pass on their genetically superior genes to the next generation, and ensure mankind's survival! (beat) So, let's dig into (holds up comic of review for today) "New Guardians #2"!

Linkara (v/o): The cover is a little better than the usual garbage that graces the show. We get a scene of the New Guardians in a blizzard, but I should point out that while we do get a jungle in the book and a villain with the word "snow" in his name, there is no snow to actually be found. They're all showing how much in pain they are, reflecting the number of responses people had to this comic. We open to a splash page of the team in front of a silhouetted leg.

Text: "Life is hard, then you die."

Linkara: (confused) I'm pretty sure there's some stuff in between there, actually.

Narrator: I don't know where I last* read those words of inspiration...

  • NOTE: The narrator actually says, "...I first read...", not "...I last read..."

Linkara: (looking at a fortune from a fortune cookie) Huh. "Life is hard, then you die. Lucky numbers: 5, 7, 14..."

Narrator: We were chosen, you see. Chosen by a cosmic pair of higher powers to ensure mankind's survival throughout the next millennium.

Linkara (v/o): Ladies and gentlemen, we have a crossover title! So, the Guardians of the Universe the fate of all mankind for a thousand years to, looking at the image of our stalwart heroes, the following: some Chinese woman in a cleavage-exposing number [Gloss] with red hair that's so long that she's got Starfire asking her for showering tips; some guy in a Doctor Strange cloak [Extraño] with a spherical earring that's larger than both of his eyeballs and a hairdo that screams "I just discovered hair gel!"; some woman [Jet] whose green hair appears to be on fire – plus, she's running around in a bikini top and loincloth; a guy [Ram] with more than half of his body replaced with see-through plastic that shows off the fact that you could take him out with a refrigerator magnet – for that matter, he is a walking computer, in a jungle, with no visible fans to cool off his systems; Jason Woodrew, the Floronic Man – a bad guy; and finally, Harbinger from "Crisis on Infinite Earths", who was once taken over by the most powerful bad guy in the history of the DC Universe.

Linkara: Let's face it, people, our species is doomed.

Linkara (v/o): And what massive supervillain are they facing off against? Well, apparently, it's David Carradine in an armless Santa Claus suit and white face paint over his eyes [it's Snowflame]. He proclaims...

Snowflame: First freak who comes any closer is a dead freak.

Linkara (v/o): Hey, cool, I've got someone to root for! Each of our heroes gives off a line that's meant to be reflective of their character in response to this threat.

Jet: Freak? 'E callin' us freaks? De mon be higher den a kite!

Linkara (v/o): ...says the woman with flaming green hair. You gotta love the Jamaican accent, too. You might as well have Miss Cleo doing this.

Linkara: (as Miss Cleo) CALL ME NOW!

Linkara (v/o): Harbinger proclaims...

Harbinger: The man has obviously never heard of the New Guardians!

Linkara (v/o): Yeah, I mean, how can he not have heard of you after you... um, did that... thing...? Yeah.

Ram: I can take the heat, Snowflame. They call me Ram...

Linkara: As in, "ram it"?

Linkara (v/o): Ram is a Japanese cyborg. A Japanese man whose superpowers are based around computers; that's not remotely stereotypical. And he attacks. The white-haired guy roars...

Snowflame: I am Snowflame! Every cell of my being burns with white-hot ecstasy. Cocaine is my god--and I am the human instrument of its will!

Linkara: (surprised beyond belief) Ladies and gentlemen, I can say without a hint of irony that that is the CRACKIEST thing I've ever seen in the comic! And I've seen jet-pack Hitler and an ancient Kandarian book being used as toilet paper by zombie superheroes!

Linkara (v/o): In fact, that statement is so bloody ridiculous, insane, and BAD that it is friggin' AWESOME! Snowflame, the man powered by cocaine, is win of the highest level!

(To a ding, "WIN" appears on the screen, while a Hallelujah chorus is heard in the background)

Linkara (v/o): Ram and Snowflame exchange blows for a bit, Snowflame taking the time to expound how awesome he is.

Snowflame: A blow like that would have sent an ordinary man reeling! But I am no ordinary man!

Linkara (v/o): Dude, you just said that cocaine was a god to you; saying you're not ordinary is just redundant.

Snowflame: You see before you a man on fire!

Linkara (v/o): Well, a man on drugs anyway.

Snowflame: A man who craves any excuse to burn brighter!

Linkara (v/o): Or a man who craves any excuse to snort cocaine.

Snowflame: I feel no pain, Ram--although I relish your feeble attempts to inflict it!

Linkara: (pointing at camera) Snowflame feels no pain!

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