And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Twilight Saga: New Moon."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Blah! I want to suck your spoilers!
There's this boy who's a vampire.
And there's this girl who also wants to be a vampire!
And she's like "I wanna be a vampire!"
(Chester pretends to stare blankly like Edward)
"Will you stop doing that?!"
So, the vampire is like "I have to go away and never see you again."
"Because I love you too much."
Isn't that how most men are? I'm gonna go away, never see you again, and sleep with a bunch of different women! Why? Because I love you!
I tried saying that to a woman once!
She cut my balls off.
So, the vampire goes away, because, you know, he loves her too much.
But then this long-haired guy comes along with big, sharp teeth and huge muscles.
And I'm like "Hey, he's a werewolf!"
And he's like "No! I am not a werewolf!"
"Of course you're a werewolf! You're hairy as hell!"
"NO! I am an everyday, ordinary kid! Just like that pale kid who wears all black and is totally not a vampire."
So, he's like "Don't worry, pretentious girl. I'll look after you!"
But the girl is like "No! I want the vampire who told me to piss off and never see him again! I think he loves me."
But it turns out the werewolf boy is attacked by the same curse that every other boy in this movie is attacked with.
And that's the curse of the missing shirts!
I mean it! No boy in this movie has his shirt on!
What is this, Sparta high school?!
All they have to do is speak through their teeth and yell every word!
TONIGHT, WE DINE! ...IN THE CAFETERIA HALL!
So, the werewolf boy is totally trying to put the hits on the girl.
And he's like "Please let me go out with you. I'm compassionate, caring, strong, dependable, and I'm actually a three dimensional character."
But the girl is like "No! I want the vampire!"
"Because he stared at me!"
(Chester makes a face)
"...You're an idiot."
So, it turns out the girl can see the vampire whenever she gets an adrenaline rush.
So, this encourages her to do all sorts of crazy things!
Jump off a cliff!
Crash a motorcycle!
Sign on to do another Twilight movie!
But the vampire is like "Please don't do these crazy things. Or I will stare at you some more." *Stares at camera*
But this female vampire wants to kill the girl.
And she's like *waves* "Hello, I'm a plot thread that goes nowhere, bye!"
But then the boy vampire thinks he hears that the girl is dead.
But the person who's really dead is that Native American from that Kevin Costner movie.
Dances with Werewolves or something.
So, the vampire's family comes to the girl and asks for help!
"You have to help us! He's gonna kill himself and we have no way to contact him!"
"Did you try his cellphone?"
"He destroyed it!"
"But aren't you guys psychic?"
"Yep!" *Long pause*
"Why don't you use that?!"
"Because he'll be expecting that!"
(Chester nods, then blinks)
"Woah!" (Gets pulled off-screen)
So, they fly all the way to this foreign country.
And the vampire is like *walks forward* "I'm going to expose myself to the world by making myself sparkle like a girl toy."
Isn't that what he is already?
But the girl comes and pushes him out of the sun.
So I'm like "HOORAY! A happy ending!"
But then they're like "We need filler for the next movie!" *gasps*
So, the league of super duper vampires want to talk to the vampire boy and the girl.
And one of the leaders is Dakota Fanning!
I always knew she was a vampire!
She acted like she was 30 years old when she was only five!
So, they're all like "We've seen into the future and know that this girl's gonna turn into a vampire."
But the boy vampire is like "She can't join us. She's not pretentious enough."
"Yeah, she is."
So, the werewolf boy sees the vampire and the girl are together.
And he's like "The vampires and werewolves are at war, so you have to choose girl whose side you're going to be on."
"Well, why should I join you?"
"I'm a kind, gentle person who would never let you down and protect you forever!"
"That's a good point. How 'bout you?"
(Chester just stares)
"Seriously, what is wrong with you?!"
"I'm a good-looking teenage girl. I love it when boys treat me like crap."
"Dude, you can have her!"
"He'll never understand."
So, the girl wants the vampire to turn her into a vampire.
But he's like "On one condition."
"And what's that?"
(looks at camera) "Marry me." *gasps*
"To be pretentiously continued!"
So, this movie was really great, even though I was wishing the werewolf would rip the vampire's head off.
But maybe that's why I love the movie so much. It always leaves you wanting more.
More common sense, more logical reason, and more vampires that shine like sparkling toothpaste.
I bet their blood is minty.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya? C'mon, change!
C'mon, I could look as tormented as that vampire guy! Just force me to read the books!