Next Karate Kid
October 13, 2009
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Hilary Swank. You may remember her from “Boys Don’t Cry.”
(A clip of Hilary Swank’s character Brandon Teena from “Boys Don’t Cry” getting shot and killed is shown)
NC: “Million Dollar Baby.”
(A clip of Hilary Swank’s character Margaret Fitzgerald from “Million Dollar Baby” gets punched in a boxing ring and breaking her neck before we cut to her in a hospital bed on life support)
NC: And my personal favorite, dramatic performance followed by death.
Hilary Swank (animated and voiced by NC): Yay, I’m finally a complete person. (Her head is blown off)
NC: Yes, it’s true that Hilary Swank certainly dies in a lot of movies, but it’s very rare that an entire movie dies even before you pronounce the title. Let’s try it. “The Next Karate—”(A man off-screen is heard groaning and collapsing to the ground) You see?
(The title for “The Next Karate Kid” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Now, some of you might be saying, “What? When did they make another ‘Karate Kid’ movie? I don’t remember that!”
NC: (holds up a two-sided DVD disc and slowly flips it around) Well, if you take your copy of “Karate Kid Part 3” and simply turn it around, bingo! “Karate Kid 4”!
NC (voiceover): That’s right, this film is so bad, that it couldn’t even get its own DVD release. It had to be teamed up with the OTHER piece of shit “Karate Kid” sequel just to see the light of day.
NC: So, what’s wrong with one of Hilary Swank’s very first movies? Well, let’s go over a little history first.
Note: Actually, Hilary Swank's very first movie was 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'.
(Clips from the first three “Karate Kid” films are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): The first “Karate Kid” came out in 1984. It starred Ralph Macchio as Daniel-San, and that guy from “Happy Days” as Mr. Miyagi. (Noriyuki "Pat" Morita) It’s now sort of a standard story. It’s about a kid who gets beaten up by bullies and his over-the-top teacher, so he learns karate from a quirky but wise karate master. His methods are strange, but effective. And at the end, the kid finally proves himself by fighting against the bullies in a tournament. Standard, but enjoyable. The sequel was a little different. Miyagi and Daniel go to Okinawa so Miyagi can visit his dying father and make amends with his angry brother. It wasn’t as good as the first, but it wasn’t half bad. Even though it had some schmaltzy moments, it continued the story. It wasn’t just a cheap re-tread of the original. That was left for the third movie, and this one flat out sucked. It’s the same story as the first one—same characters, same plot threads—the only thing that was different was instead of one hammy over-the-top villain, you had two, who put all their businesses aside for revenge. Literally! They say that!
Terry Silver (from “Karate Kid Part III”): Margaret, I’m gonna be working full-time on this from now on. Full-time. For the next few weeks my business is strictly revenge.
Margaret (from “Karate Kid Part III”): Everything is in place, sir.
NC: Who the hell talks like that? Nobody calls up their secretary and says, (pretends to talk on the phone with his hand) “Oh, by the way, cancel my meetings. I’m gonna have a diabolical plan to destroy my arch nemesis. Thanks, you’re a doll.” (He hangs up his “phone” and rolls his eyes)
NC (voiceover): Same set-up, same climax, what a load of shit-shit platter. So you think that would be the worst “Karate Kid” movie, right? Well, just a mere five years later, they tried to cash in with another karate chops to my nuts in their latest and final sequel, “The Next Karate Kid.”
NC: Well, I think I built up the shit-storm long enough. Let’s take a look.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So it starts off with Mr. Miyagi accepting some sort of army unit citation along with the wife of one of his old army buddies, Louisa. They catch up on old times, talk about… Chinese food or something, when we’re introduced to the karate brat herself.
Louisa (Constance Towers): Julie, this is Mr. Miyagi. He was a friend of your grandfather.
(Julie continues to walk out of sight without saying anything before popping in to say something)
Julie (Hilary Swank; speaks rudely): Hi.
NC: Hey, show some respect! He came all the way from “Karate Kid Part III” for this!
Louisa: I want you to talk to him.
Julie: You invited him here. You talk to him.
Louisa: (as Julie is storming outside) Where are you going? SUSAN! (Awkward silence occurs as Julie turns to face her)
Julie: My name is Julie! My mother’s name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father and they’re both dead!
NC: (wears a tuxedo and holding a card as a drumroll is heard off-screen) And the award for “Worst Exposition Ever to be Uttered in a Movie” is… (reads the card)…”The Next Karate Kid”! (He claps along with the sound of applause) You suck!
NC (voiceover): I mean… WOW! That was just painful! How much more forced could you possibly get?
Julie: My name is Julie! My mother’s name was Susan! She was killed in a car accident with my father and they’re both dead!
Dark Helmet (from “Spaceballs”): (breaks the fourth wall to address the audience) Everybody got that?
NC (voiceover): So where does angry troubled Julie sneak off to in the middle of the night?
NC: Well, I’m sure she’s part of some sort of gang or something, or some sort of criminal drug ring, or some kind of illegal underground fighting, or something else to make the payoff look unbelievably stupid.
NC (voiceover): She breaks into her school—which is ironic, because most kids try to break OUT of school—and she spends her time feeding a bird.
NC: (speaks sarcastically while puzzled) …Oh, no!
NC (voiceover): Really? This is the height of her troubled teen-dom? Feeding a hawk with a damaged wing?
NC: Unless she’s gonna use it for cock-fighting, it’s not very impressive!
NC (voiceover): But Boston’s doughiest arrive on the scene as they try to stop her illegal bird feeding. I love this scene. Watch.
(Julie sneaks up behind the two policemen and shines her flashlight at them to blind them before throwing it at them)
Policeman #1: Look out!
NC (voiceover): Yeah, shine a light on the people you don’t want to find you and then throw it at them so that you can’t see where you’re going! Now, technically, you could argue that she’s trying to distract them away from the bird, but… why doesn’t she just drop it off at ‘em back to begin with? What, is she Karate Kid, MD? I mean, it makes no sense.
Policeman #2: Come on! (stops chasing Julie in the middle of a hallway to take a breath)
NC: (laughs) What, they just stop? Who sent these guys?! They’re about as fit as a morbidly obese fiddle!
NC (voiceover): (as Policeman #2) Don’t make me run! I’m filled with pork chops and syrup!
(Julie escapes the school and makes it home)
NC (voiceover): So in sort of a strange foreign exchange program, Susan* leaves Boston to go to California while Mr. Miyagi leaves California to look after Julie. (Beat) Makes sense to me.
*(NC probably meant to say Louisa, since it has been established that Susan is dead)
Mr. Miyagi: (drops Julie off at school) Yeah, I’ll pick you up here this afternoon, OK, Julie-san? (Julie just gets out of the car and leaves without saying anything; he sighs) Sayonara! (He drives off)
(As the song "Moving on Up" by M People plays in the background, we see Julie walking down a hallway before the camera follows her camera right and stops on a middle-aged bald man (Colonel Dugan) as she leaves off-screen)
NC (voiceover): Gee, I wonder if this is the villain.
(Colonel Dugan looks to his right as the camera pans up to the long end of the hallway and stops to hold it on a group of young males dressed in black T-shirts for a long time; the males are walking from the far end of the hallway toward the camera)
NC (voiceover): Yeah? (Pauses) Yeah? (Pauses) Just because you can hold on a shot doesn’t mean you should! (Pauses) Cut!
Ned: (one of the black-shirt males, who surprises Julie by slapping his hands on a table) Morning, Julie.
NC (voiceover): So she’s approached by one of the bad guys, who, of course, you can tell is a bad guy because he always wears a black shirt.
Ned: It can get you into little trouble. Or I can pick you tomorrow night and take you down to the docks. You’ve been to the docks, haven’t you, Julie?
Julie: Dream on. (Ned quickly grabs her; NC is surprised by this)
Ned: Hey! Most girls in this school like me. Now, you’re lucky to getting an invitation.
NC: Typical teen love story. Boy meets girl, boy challenges girl to fight on docks…s-something’s not right about that.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out that psycho kid is working for this strange sort of school security called Alpha League. They’re nice people if you compare them to the Third Reich.
Colonel Dugan: Some kid drops a candy wrapper, you make him pick it up and eat it.
NC: …That’s both…odd and cruel.
NC (voiceover): Their coach, who’s actually named Colonel Dugan, partakes in normal after-school activities, like punching his students in the face, kicking them in the gut, and just flat-out choking them.
Colonel Dugan: (after flipping a student onto the ground) At the enemy’s weakness, that’s when you destroy them.
NC: AND his ass will be fired.
NC (voiceover): But for the lazy convenience of the story, let’s just go with it. One of the students is named Eric, (speaks as though teasing Julie) who Julie has a crush on.
Ned: (to Eric in the school hallway) Hey, Colonel Dugan told me to take Julie to her next class. You coming?
Ned: No? Good. Don’t forget she’s mine.
NC: (as Ned) She’s mine to…beat and/or make my girlfriend!
NC (voiceover): Eric finds out about Julie’s first-degree bird feeding and so he toys with her about whether or not he’s gonna tell anyone.
Julie: (to Eric at his car) If anyone finds out about Angel, they’re gonna take her away.
Eric: Is that what you call her? “Angel”? How do you know she’s a girl?
Julie: Will you just answer the question? (gets into his car) Look, I’m not getting out of this car until you tell me what you’re gonna do.
Eric: (laughs) Fine.
NC: (as Eric) This is how I kidnapped all my other girlfriends, so go ahead.
(Cut to Eric driving Julie home)
Eric: You like my car? It’s an Oldsmobile 442.
Julie: It’s just a car.
Eric: “It’s just a car”? Does Michael Jordan just play basketball?
NC: Yes! Have you seen him play baseball?
NC (voiceover): So after they form some sort of bond, I guess, Mr. Miyagi and Julie find that they don’t quite get on the right foot.
Mr. Miyagi: (to Julie) Miyagi also talk to people. Your teachers bring home homework you miss for three weeks.
Julie: Don’t order me around. I told you this morning. I know where I’m going in my life, and I don’t need any math problems to get there!
NC: (as Mr. Miyagi) How about this math problem? (lifts up his right fist and points to the camera with the left hand) What does one fist plus your face equal?
(Cut to Julie running out of the house and Mr. Miyagi goes after her)
Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san!
Julie: (stops to face Mr. Miyagi) Will you just stay out of my life? Stop telling me what to do!
Mr. Miyagi: Not try tell you not to. Try teach you something.
Julie: Teach me? Look at you! You can’t even speak English!
NC: Ow! Bitch! That is Mr. Miyagi! You do not diss Mr. Miyagi! He’s like Yoda; he could snap his fingers, and your brain would fucking explode!
(Cut to Julie walking out in the middle of the street to which a white car approaches and honks its horn at her)
NC: Ram that whore!
(Julie does a tiger jump position to land on the hood of the car)
NC (voiceover): There, now. You see? It’s not nice to mess with Mr. Miyagi, and God tried to smote you. Hope you’re happy.
Mr. Miyagi: You’re not hurt?
Julie: I said I was OK! (runs back to the house)
NC (voiceover): (as Julie) I’m gonna run back into the house that I was originally running away from!
(Cut to Mr. Miyagi approaching Julie, who sits on the stairs)
Julie: Go ahead. Do what my grandmother does. Tell me I made another mistake. “Julie, you’re so thoughtless. Julie, you lost your temper again.”
NC (voiceover): (as Mr. Miyagi) OK, then what?
Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san, Miyagi no need nothing.
Julie: You’re not gonna say anything?
Mr. Miyagi: When you learn that?
Julie: Learn what?
Mr. Miyagi: Jumping to tiger position when car almost hit you.
NC (voiceover): So she tells him that her father used to teach her karate, which is funny, because Mr. Miyagi used to teach her father kara—Hey, wait a minute!
Mr. Miyagi: Anger no bring him back.
Julie: Wasn’t right that they were killed.
Mr. Miyagi: Death, uh, not fair to anyone. But still, we must live our lives.
Julie: I used to see them so bright in my mind, so clear. Now all I have are these photographs.
NC (voiceover): (as Mr. Miyagi) Look, I’m running out of fortune cookie sayings. Can we just cut to the sports montage?
(Cut to outside with Mr. Miyagi waxing his car)
Julie: I thought maybe you could give me a few lessons.
Mr. Miyagi: You pay Miyagi, take four homework paper, payment one karate lesson.
Julie: Let’s start right now.
Mr. Miyagi: Good. First, we wax the car. This hand wax on…
NC: Oh! (starts to do a jig in his seat) Here we go a—!
Julie: Forget it. I’m not waxing anybody’s car.
NC: (stops his jig) …gain!
Mr. Miyagi: Ah, but first we wax the car, then we work engine.
Julie: You know what? I don’t think you know anything about girls.
NC (voiceover): (as Julie) I’m gonna be a boy from now on. Nobody will take that the wrong way!
Mr. Miyagi: Boys easier.
NC (voiceover): So she sees past the “wax on, wax off” bull-dookey, but Miyagi instead hires her on to be a babysitter next door.
(Cut to two boys at the neighbor’s house throwing balls at Julie)
Julie: Hey! Hey!
(The two boys fire their Nerf guns at her)
NC (voiceover): And three dead children later, has learned a valuable lesson.
Mr. Miyagi: Babysitting sometime good exercise for karate student, Julie-san.
Julie: Well, when do I learn how to break boards and stuff like that?
Mr. Miyagi: Why break boards? What boards do to you?
NC: (as Julie) Hey, a board was driving the car that killed my family, OK?
NC (voiceover): So she breaks out again for her (gasps) bird feeding, as it turns out there’s a few friends waiting for her.
Ned: (to two other student security guards while watching from a school window) Cops said it was a girl. Let’s go. (They all head downstairs)
Admiral Ackbar (from “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi”): It’s a trap!
(Julie walks around the corner and is surprised to see Ned standing there)
NC (voiceover): (whispers) Chi-chi-chi!
Ned: Julie. What’s going on?
NC: (as Ned) We’re gonna bust you for breaking the school, even though we’re technically the school to bust you!
NC (voiceover): But Julie escapes as the tight-shirt boys track her down.
Ned: (calls out while Julie is hiding under a cafeteria table) There’s no way out, Julie! Let’s just talk. Let’s try to be friends, Julie. (He takes a chair and throws it across another table of stacked chairs)
NC: Friends that trash school property, even though they’re hired to protect it. (Pauses) God, these guys make no sense.
(Cut to the student security guards chasing after Julie in the school hallway as the fire alarm goes off and Julie throws her flashlight at them as she runs)
NC (voiceover): Will you stop throwing your flashlight? It’s not a damn gas bomb!
(Cut to Julie shutting the school entrance gates to stop the student security guards before continue running off)
Ned: I’ll see you at the docks!
(Police cars and a fire engine arrive at the scene)
NC (voiceover): So Julie gets in trouble again and is kicked out of school for two weeks. So Mr. Miyagi decides to take this time to take her to some monks to teach her the true ways of karate. (beat) But before they get there, they have to go through a few more stock a-holes who can start a fight if you just sneeze wrong.
Bar Patron: (to Mr. Miyagi) Here’s my dog. Turn him into a damn chicken.
Julie: Come on, let’s just get outta here.
Bar Patron: (comes up to Julie to clutch her arm with one hand) You ain’t goin’ nowhere until I say so. (Cut to him shoving Mr. Miyagi before Miyagi grabs the patron and twists him around to bend his right arm back, starting up a weak fight scene with two other bar patrons)
NC: That wasn’t really as much karate as puppetry, but I guess I’ll take it.
Julie: (while riding in the car) That was great, Mr. Miyagi!
Mr. Miyagi: Eh, not great. Miyagi always look for way not to fight. Miyagi hate fighting.
NC: (as Mr. Miyagi) And yet somehow, I do it in all four films! Bad luck, I guess.
NC (voiceover): So they get to the monastery—or whatever the hell this place is—as Miyagi tries to teach Julie her first move.
Mr. Miyagi: Make round kick, land on Okinawa.
(Julie tries to do a round kick in the air but slips and falls on the sand; we hear the familiar “The Price is Right” Loser Horns with Buzzer)
Julie: (gets up) That’s impossible.
Yoda (from “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back”): That is why you fail.
NC (voiceover): So she goes to eat with the monks when she suddenly spots a cockroach.
(Julie takes her shoe in an attempt to smash the cockroach, but a monk quickly swipes the roach away before she can smash it on the table; All the monks start to get up and leave)
Julie: What? What’s the problem?
Mr. Miyagi: Within monastery walls, nothing is ever killed.
Julie: That’s a stupid rule.
NC (voiceover): (as Mr. Miyagi) Oh, no, you di’in’t!
(Mr. Miyagi gets up to leave the table)
Julie: What are you doin’?
Miyagi: Miyagi don’t live in monastery, Julie-san, but still respect all living things.
NC (voiceover): (as Mr. Miyagi) Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a fly I have to crush with my chopsticks.
NC (voiceover): (Normal) So after the HORRIFIC attempt at cockroach murder, they decide to eat separately from Julie, afraid that her Nike of Doom would harm another innocent animal.
(Cut to Julie walking past four monks and waves to them; they ignore her)
NC (voiceover): (as Monk #1) Cockroach killer.
NC (voiceover): (as Monk #2) Whore.
NC (voiceover): (as Monk #3) Slut!
NC (voiceover): (as Monk #4) I do not know you.
NC (voiceover): (Normal) But it’s OK, because she brings a mantis into the monastery, and I guess that makes everything better somehow.
Julie: (to a monk) I’m sorry I tried to kill the cockroach. (shows him the mantis) Look.
NC: (as the monk) And what do you have there? AHH! A mantis! (He uses a shoe to pretend to squash the mantis and wipe off on his desk any extra remains of it off the shoe) I hate fucking mantises.
NC (voiceover): So the training continues as she is taught to fight obstacles without any vision.
Julie: Come on, Mr. Miyagi. How can I block an attack if I can’t see?
Mr. Miyagi: (puts a blindfold on Julie) Then you use ear, nose, skin. Learn to use all senses.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (from “Star Wars: A New Hope”): Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.
NC: OK, I swear that’s the last “Star Wars” clip. Scout’s honor.
NC (voiceover): So he continues to show her how to defend herself against bags and catcher’s mitts until they finally decide she’s ready to leave, but not before one last bit of bullshit they have to go through.
Mr. Miyagi: Your gift is demonstration of Zen archery. If master small thing, anything become possible.
(Cut to a monk ready to fire an arrow at Mr. Miyagi; he fires, and Miyagi catches the arrow with one hand before it could strike him in the chest)
NC (voiceover): (as Mr. Miyagi) I just shit myself.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So she finally gets to go back to school, and what’s the first thing she wants to do?
Michael Banks (from “Mary Poppins”): I want to feed the birds!
NC (voiceover): That’s right, feed her damn bird! But Mr. Miyagi suggests that maybe it’s time to let the hawk go.
Mr. Miyagi: Now release.
Julie: Mr. Miyagi.
Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san. Maybe if you believe, Angel believe, too.
NC: (as Mr. Miyagi) Yes, throw her into the water. If she flies, then she was ready to fly. If she falls…then she was a witch.
NC (voiceover): So, of course, she (Angel) flies away, and just in time, too. The dance is coming up! And not only is Mr. Miyagi teaching her the latest dance moves, but he also managed to get a dress for her.
Mr. Miyagi: Miyagi want you to go dance.
Julie: How’d you know my size?
Mr. Miyagi: (laughs) That was very difficult part.
NC: (chuckles before pausing) No, that’s a legitimate question. I mean, are we gonna have another Roman Polanski on our hands or something?
NC (voiceover): So while Julie goes to the dance with Eric, Miyagi and his monk friends go bowling. (Beat) Wow, saying that out loud just made me realize how stupid that sounds.
Bowling Player: (to a monk about to touch his bowling ball) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don’t touch this ball, alright? This ball cost serious money.
Monk: Don’t understand English.
Bowling Player: Look, don’t talk, either.
Mr. Miyagi: What the problem?
Bowling Player: Don’t breathe, don’t move. I don’t want any distractions.
NC: OK, how come every person in a “Karate Kid” movie is an asshole? I mean, it’s like, “Hi, how are you doing?” “What, you want to start something? You want to start something? (He puts up his fights as though ready to fight) Come on, big boy! Come on!” (He pretends to get punched in the face and falls forward onto his desk)
NC (voiceover): So, of course, they (the monks) beat them at bowling and make their way home. Meanwhile, at the dance, Julie and Eric are getting nice and friendly until…
Female Student: (points upward to the gym’s ceiling) Look!
(Three student security guards bungee jump from the gym’s ceiling and crash into a display)
NC: (looks confused) What?
Eric: You alright?
Student Security Guard: That Dugan said it would be alright.
Ned: Leave him alone, McGowen.
Eric: This is real smart, Ned. I think you broke your buddy’s arm here.
Ned: At least he was brave enough to try it.
NC: Try what?! Acting like a moron?!
Ned: Why don’t you just mind your own business? (Eric just walks away)
NC (voiceover): I’m…so confused. I mean…I-I honestly have no idea what that was! They’re bungee jumping in the middle of a dance and what…what is that?
Julie: (after Eric takes her home) None of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for me.
NC (voiceover): I’M STILL NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED!
NC: I mean, come on, movie! Was it…extreme bobbing for apples? Are they doing one of the “Jackass” stunts? What? WHAT?!
NC (voiceover): But there’s no time to explain—or at least the movie thinks there’s no time to explain—as the bad guys challenge Eric to a…duel, I guess. Where? Where else? The docks! Finally, we get to see these damn docks they've been hyped up so much!
Ned: I didn’t think you were gonna show.
Colonel Dugan: Remember the bullring, McGowen? (to one of his student security guards) Light it.
(The student security guard lights a fuse that sets off an explosion on a car)
NC (voiceover): What the-?! They blew up a car?!
NC: What is with these people?! It’s school security, not fucking gangland!
Colonel Dugan: Now it’s payback time.
NC: OK, did anyone do a background check on that guy?
(Ned and a couple other security guards beat Eric up)
Colonel Dugan: Finish him off.
NC: (is shocked) IT’S SCHOOL SECURITY!! YOU WRITE…HALL PASSES AND SEND PEOPLE TO LUNCH! WHEN DOES IT SAY “MURDER” IS PART OF THE JOB?!
Colonel Dugan: What are you all looking at? What do you think I’ve been training you for?
NC: (as one of the student guards) Manslaughter, of course.
NC (voiceover): This looks like a job for a teenage girl and an old Asian man!
Mr. Miyagi: Come. We go.
(Mr. Miyagi, Eric and Julie turn to leave, but Ned reaches a hand out to grab at Julie; Julie quickly turns to do a karate pose at him)
Ned: What? What, are you kidding me?
Julie: (to Mr. Miyagi) Let me fight him.
Ned: You want to fight me?
Mr. Miyagi: No fighting.
Ned: Colonel, she wants to fight me.
Julie: Mr. Miyagi, if I’m ever going to respect myself, I have to do this.
Eric: No, no.
Mr. Miyagi: Julie-san right. Now is time.
NC: …Wow! That took a lot of coaxing. (as Julie) “Mr. Miyagi, I want to fight him!” (as Mr. Miyagi) “No.” (as Julie) “But I really want to!” (as Mr. Miyagi) “Good point.” (as Julie, striking a fighting pose with his fists) “Hwah!”
(Julie fights Ned, defeating him)
Mr. Miyagi: All over, Julie-san.
Colonel Dugan: What are you talking about? The war is not over because one battle’s lost.
NC: What war? Who are you? Where did you come from?
Colonel Dugan: It’s not over.
Mr. Miyagi: Then we finish.
NC (voiceover): You know, for a guy who doesn’t like fighting, he sure does do it a lot.
(Mr. Miyagi fights Colonel Dugan)
NC: I’m Mr. Miyagi, bee-yotch!
Mr. Miyagi: Time put your lights out.
NC: That’s right, Mr. Miyagi. Blow him away!
(Mr. Miyagi strikes a pose as though ready to palm strike Colonel Dugan’s face, but then grabs presumably in Dugan’s crotch, making him fall to the ground)
NC: Not quite what I had in mind, but OK!
NC (voiceover): (as a “Mortal Kombat” announcer) Miyagi wins! Blowality! (Accompanying text appears onscreen)
Julie: You kicked some butt.
Mr. Miyagi: Fighting not good. But if must fight, win.
NC (voiceover): So I guess I have to give this movie some credit. It’s nice enough not to have an epilogue. It just sort of stops, like, “OK, we’ve tortured you long enough. You can go now.”
NC: And thank God, too, because it turns out “The Next Karate Kid” was also the last “Karate Kid.”
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): They never made another movie sequel and thank heavenly Jesus, because these films simply got worse and worse and worse.
NC: But in all honesty, to the film’s credit, it did try, online audience. It did try. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave, but then quickly returns to speak to the camera) OK, one more!
Yoda (from “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back”): Do, or do not. There is no try.
NC: (giggles) I love that Muppet. Bye! (He finally leaves)