Next Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuckups
September 14th, 2010
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it- (there is a sudden static in the video)
Douchey: Hold it right there!
NC: Goddammit, Douchey! I thought I shoved a grenade up your ass.
D: That's no match for the power of troll-dom!... b-b-but it was a pretty good attempt.
NC: Where the hell even are you?
D: I'm in a different location for my safety. I paid top-dollar for this security room.
Old woman (off camera): Douchey! Are you talking to your friends again?
NC: Who was that?
D: Oh, uh, that's just the head of my security guards, um- (at off screen voice) that'll be all, Phyllis!
Phyllis: Is that any way to talk to your mother!?!?
NC: It's not working, Douchey.
D: No, really! She's my security officer! (to his Phyllis) Isn't that right, Phyllis?
Phyllis: Are you masturbating again?
D: Mom! (Note: Phyllis and Old Woman=Douchey's mom)
His mom: Just stop doing it to the pictures of the green army men, it's unnatural!!
D: GO AWAY, MOM!
HM: Fine, but dinner's at 3(pm)
NC: You have dinner at three?
D: My curfew's at 6(pm)-I mean, OOOOOH!!!! (shot of NC turning away, almost flinching. Then back to D) You made more mistakes in your Nostalgia Critic videos! And you need to pay for it!
NC: Indeed, I have. Now, since you've all been waiting for it-
D: Especially me!!
NC: *sneers* Yes... this is the Next Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuck-ups!
- "Everything you know is wrong" from Ren and Stimpy plays, accompanied with captions of possible Freudian slips. This servers as an interlude to the countdown*
NC (voice over): Number 11.
D (vo): Where's your "Old vs. New" of "War of the Worlds?" (Note: A caption to this effect came up on screen, and will for every mistake)
NC (vo): Indeed, a lot of people have been wondering what happened since I said in my list, I was going to do an "Old vs. New" of "War of the Worlds". A lot of people think the "Tommy Wiseau Show" distracted from it, but, actually, there's another reason. I did watch both movies again and, to be 100% honest, neither of them held up very well to me. I mean, neither one was terrible or anything, but they both seemed surprisingly underwhelming. When I was younger and I saw these movies, I was really drawn into 'em. I found the spaceships in both versions were really frightening and the panic very legitimate. But now that I'm older, watching them again, there's not a whole lot to them. It's just people running away from aliens, that's it! Granted, the twist ending is very clever. Of course, they came from the original book. But, aside from that, it's just people running and screaming. The characters are bland, those spaceships don't look that interesting, and the aliens are... well... stupid. Seriously, does H.R. Giger just need to design every original alien nowadays? (Note: An image of the alien from "Alien" pops up. This was designed by H.R. Giger) All the aliens look the same. Well, okay, the original aliens didn't look the same, but they just looked like a gooey version of the game "Simon". I just couldn't find that much to compare, and neither one seemed like the better movie. Now at the time it came out, that's a different story. You can probably talk a lot about the influence the first movie had, and even the fear and panic the remake recaptured. But they just didn't age that well. And I simply couldn't come up with enough material to write a decent review for it. Sorry, guys, but this is one "Old vs. New" you're never gonna see from me.
NC (vo): Number 10.
D (vo): That wasn't a Victorian dress in "Superman 4", you cockbucket!
NC (vo): Yes, in my cross-over review with Linkara of "Superman 4", we said that the dress that the woman was wearing here was a Victorian-style dress.
D: Actually, it's an 18th Century dress, and the Victorian era was the 19th Century, YOU WHORE!!!
NC: How the hell do you know so much about historical clothing?
D: Just a hobby, that's all.
HM: Douchy? Where do you want me to put your corset?
NC (vo): Not really too much I can say about this. We simply got the time era of the dress wrong.
NC: But needless to say, IT WAS LINKARA'S FAULT! That's right! Don't believe me? Take a look at this video apology that he made earlier this week.
- still photo of Linkara pops up on screen*
Linkara: Hello, I'm Linkara. And I totally fucked up. Sorry. I feel like an ass. (note: it is obvious it is not in fact Linkara, but an almost- puppet and the NC voicing him)
NC: Oh, Linkara, you don't have to be so hard on yourself.
L: No, really. It was totally my fault. I should've known not to upset someone as powerful and handsome as you.
NC: Oh, Linkara, are you saying that I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?
L: *pause* Yes. Yes I am.
NC: Well, I just don't know what to say, I mean, I'm just speechless.
L: Bat Credit Card.
NC: A BAT CREDIT CARD?!! I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU *waves gun around, shooting at random*. (Note: This is a reference to NC's review of "Batman and Robin", where NC had a similar reaction to there being a "bat credit card" in Batman's Utility Belt)
NC (vo): Number 9.
D (vo): There's a reason Mr. Freeze didn't cure his wife, ass!!!
NC (vo): In my "Batman and Robin" review, I pointed out that Freeze had a cure for the disease that Alfred has, which happens to be the exact same disease that Freeze's wife had. I asked the question, "why he didn't just give that cure to his wife to begin with?" Well, actually, they do explain it, though very briefly.
Batman: He's adapted his freezing technology to reverse McGregor's Syndrome. He's even found a cure for the disease at certain stages.
NC (vo): But Alfred, thankfully, was in an earlier stage that he could cure.
Bruce Wayne: Alfred's condition is less severe. Freeze's research said he cured a case like Alfred's, he just didn't say how.
NC (vo): So everything turned out fine, I guess. The biggest concern in a Batman movie is whether or not the butler will die. Thank God all the psychological turmoil of a man who dresses like up like a bat and his parents dying and he spends the rest of his life trying to fight crime, yeah, that's tiring. The butler dying? There's the drama. The movie doesn't get anymore shocking than that.
NC: Well, of course, except for the appearance of the... *clip of Batman holding Bat-Credit Card* The Bat-nipples? Why would I care about the Bat-nipples? They were in the last movie. *same Bat CC clip* Oh, oh, I apologize, I must have seen that wrong. Sorry, eh. Let me just change my reaction accordingly *clears throat* A BAT CREDIT CARD!!! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!! *waves gun around shooting again*
NC (vo): Number 8.
D (vo): You never say anybody's name right!
NC: Well, maybe not everybody's name, but-
D: NOOOOOOOO!!!! I write comments on the Internet, therefore that means I'm right!
NC: Well, you're sort of correct, but-
NC: Shut up!
D: *goes quiet, then whispers* Noooooooo...
NC (vo): There's been a couple of names that for, whatever reason, I could never quite pronounce correctly. Like Judge Hirsch instead of Judd Hirsch, Ralph Bashkey instead of Ralph Bakshi. But the biggest one people seem to harp on the most is Mako. Goddammit, won't he leave me alone? Everybody's been telling me that his name is pronounced "Mahko" instead of "Make-o". But to be honest, I've heard it both ways. I've heard a lot of people call him "Make-o" in the past. Does that mean that they're all wrong?
NC: *pause* Probably, but that's not the point.
NC (vo): To me, it's just a tomato(to-may-to)-tomato(to-mah-to) thing. Some people just say it differently than others. And to be honest, I've been calling him "Make-o" for this long and I don't see any point in changing it. *picture of Mako pops up on screen* There, now will you go away!
NC: Good God, I never had a dead person annoy me so much!
Casper: Timing! (Note: This is a reference to the NC's "Casper" review)
NC: Except for him!
NC (vo): Number 7.
D (vo): That's not the Devil from "Fantasia"!
NC (vo): Again, I think this one is sort of debatable. According to a lot of people, and even many of them from Disney, the monster on Bald Mountain is a creature named...Ch-ch-Chernabog-Chernabug-ch...tomato-tomato. So everyone kept pointing out to me that this was in fact not the devil.
NC: But let's really look at this for a second.
NC (vo): You got a horned creature with minions dancing around him, bathing in fire, celebrating all that is evil, and the only thing that can stop him is the sound of church bells and Avè Maria. IT'S THE DEVIL! Who are you kidding?! You can call him Mr. Fluffy for all I care and it would still be the devil. Oh, yeah, and this little bit of information might mean something.
Deems Taylor: Bald Mountain, according to tradition, is the gathering place of Satan and his followers.
NC (vo): Devil! That's the fucking devil! What more do you need?! Oh, well, if you want to call him...Churned Butter or whatever his name is, that's fine. But for me, and I think everybody who saw this for the very first time, it's the devil. DEVIL!
NC (vo): Number 6.
D (vo): The "Full House" Mother didn't die from a disease, YOU ASS-SICKLE!
NC (vo): Yes, when I did my review of the show Full House, I said that the mother died from some sort of unknown disease. But people explained to me that actually, she was killed in a car accident. I don't know, I don't remember it being mentioned, I have to admit, I have no memory of it. But, so many people swore that it was mentioned that I'm not going to debate them. But at least we can all agree it was a shitty show. That is made clear. I'll admit I'm surprised at how many people follow... "Full House" lore, but, there it is.
NC: I mean, who am I to doubt the logic of internet commentators?
D: A pox on you! A pox on all of your houses! *picks up skull, waves it in shape of a cross* A pox! *throws water, probably holy water, towards the camera, but to the left* A pox!
D: Major "A pox" !
NC: Please stop that.
D: *much quieter* A pox...
NC (vo): Number 5.
D (vo): Dolphins can punch, you anti-Dolph-ite!
NC (vo): Shows you how watching the Discovery Channel can teach you. According to scientists, dolphins really can defend for themselves against sharks by literally punching them. That's an interesting little fact that I probably never would've figured out. But still, I don't know, this scene from Zeus and Roxanne still seems pretty goofy to me. I mean, she punches the shark right in the friggin' teeth, that seems a little bit unrealistic. We see in slow-mo that the shark literally takes a little chunk off of her and yet there's never any battle scars. And on top of that, the dolphin is friggin' huge! I mean, I know dolphins are big, but not that big. What, was the dolphin just on steroids for the past few seconds? I don't know. It may seem scientifically correct, but to me, this still just seems silly.
NC (vo): Dolphinnnn-PUNCH!! (Note: He says this like Captain Falcon, from the F-Zero video game series)
NC (vo): Number 4.
D (vo): "Quest for Camelot" did explain a few things!
NC (vo): This is another one where, technically, you're right, but it's not explained very well. Like, I guess the reason for the forest being able to move and fly and such is that it was enchanted. Well, that's a pretty blanket statement. It's just enchanted, that's it? Well, I guess, technically, that's explaining it. How about the magic potion that merges men into metal? He said he just got it from some witches, but, when have we seen witches? Those exist in Camelot? It's like saying he bought it from a bunch of munchkins, it just seems out of place. But again, "technically", it's explained, so I can't complain. But here's some things that are never explained: why did the chicken switch from good to evil? And if you say to get to the other side, I'll fucking kill you. Why did putting Excalibur in the stone magically heal everybody? And if it could magically heal everybody, why didn't they do that before? That's unbelievable, that's like the world's greatest hospital in a sword. And, if it could heal everybody, why didn't it heal Garrett's blindness? Those are things that are still never explained, in any fashion! No words are ever mentioned, nothing is ever shown, it just sort of happens. So in my opinion, there's still a lot of stuff that needs to be explained. But for the few things that are explained, I apologize...sort of.
NC: EXPLAIN!!!!! *he explodes, his house explodes and so do his entire surroundings*' '(note: this is from the "Quest for Camelot" review itself)
NC (vo): Number 3.
D (vo): That was Jim Cummings singing the whole time, you brainless fart!
NC (vo): It's funny how not only did I make this mistake twice, but both in the exact same review. When I listed the "Top 11 Greatest Villain Songs", I brought up that Christopher Lloyd and Jeremy Irons were more speaking their songs rather than singing them. Little did I know that both of these songs were actually sung by a famous voice actor, Jim Cummings, who dubbed their voices so perfectly, I couldn't even tell the difference. And I don't think a lot of other people could either.
- clip of Rasputin from Anastasia singing, done by Jim Cummings*
Rasputin: I was once the most mystical man in all Russia! When the royals betrayed me, they made a mistake!
NC (vo): In fact, Jeremy Irons actually does start singing his song. But by the end, I guess his voice gave out or something, so they gave it to Jim Cummings again.
- plays song, along with captions of whose actually singing at that moment*
Scar: (Jeremy Irons) The point that I must emphasize is...YOU WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME! (Jim Cummings) So prepare for the coup of the century, be prepared for the murkiest scam!
NC (vo): That's unbelievable. He can actually replace another person's voice while their voice was still in the song. That guy has mad skills.
Rasputin: Terror's the least I can do!
NC (vo): Yeah, it was a fuck-up, but it was a fuck-up that at least gives credit to the talent of a great voice actor, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Rasputin: SHE'LL BE MINE!
NC (vo): Number 2.
D (vo): 9 + 9 + 9 is 27, you dumb ape!
NC (vo): Yeah, this is about as embarrassing as it gets. Even simple first-grade math seems to slip my radar sometimes. In my "End of Days" review, I make an elaborate puzzle that mocks how the mathematical clues in the movie were pretty much over the top.
(Clip of priest talking about how the number of the Devil is 999, not 666)
NC (vo): In my not-so-well thought out explanation I say that 9+9+9 is 21, not 27. What the hell was I thinking?!? I'm really having problems with numbers that Dora the Explorer can figure out? That's just inexcusable.
D: How dare you! How dare you! How dare you!! For decades, I went around thinking 9+9+9 was 21 because of you!
NC: The review hasn't been out for decades.
NC: Sure. (Note: The NC sounds really bored of Douchey's antics)
D: FOR MONTHS, I WENT AROUND THINKING THAT BECAUSE OF YOU!!! *whispers* you should be ashamed of yourself.
NC: Don't you have any other problems to complain about? Don't you have a whole world out there to interact with?
D: I live in a World of Warcraft and pornography! There is nothing else!
NC and D: Except complaining about the Nostalgia Critic.
NC: Don't you mean "Chernabog"?
NC (vo): And the number 1 "Next Nostalgia Critic Fuck Up" is...
NC: Nothing. I have no number 1. Ha-ha, I guess I didn't make as many mistakes as I thought. Well, thank you for joining me an-
Elephant (os): *ahem*
- NC turns and sees the elephant in the room, who just stares blankly at him*
NC: Did you hear something? I-I-I totally didn't hear anything.
E: Don't try to avoid me.
NC: I'm not avoiding you, thing that I don't hear.
E: You're missing the Autism joke.
NC: *puts fingers in ear and repeats saying "lalala" over and over again in an attempt to block out the Elephant*
E: You know damn well that you made a joke about Autism and you tried your hardest never to mention it again.
NC: OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT!
NC (vo): In my "Ernest Saves Christmas" review, I made probably the most inappropriate joke ever. It was when one of the characters is doing an unfunny puppet show for kids that are way too old to be enjoying it. (plays part of his review with the joke) Not only was this inappropriate, it just didn't make sense. There's just as many high-functioning Autistic people as there are low-functioning Autistic people. In fact, there's even more high-functioning. I know Autistic people, and to be honest, this was just an unfair, un-thought out joke. I didn't even think it was that funny when I put it in. I just sort of did on the off chance that maybe someone else would find it funny. It was a gamble, and to this day, it remains to be the only joke I ever removed because I simply thought it was low and unfair. No disrespect, people, it's just a really stupid mistake that I hope never to make again.
NC: Feel awkward enough? So do I! So, let's end today with me saying-
D: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (shot of NC wincing) There's so much more I need to bitch and moan about!
NC: That's it, where are you?!? I'm going to lay my vengeance upon thee!
D: Ha! You'll never find me! My location is seal-proof!
HM (os): Douchey! Did you order another "Midget's gone wild" video?
D: Eh- No, that must be someone else, ha-ha.
P: Why do we keep getting these videos? I mean, is it really so hard to see that our address is "125 Arthur St. in Montyville"?!?
NC: Thank you! *grabs gun*
D: Wait! Wait! Don't do it! Your videos don't mean that much to me! I barely even noticed them. HaHa. *Doorbell rings* Ma, don't open the door!
HM (os): Oh, hi, Mr. Critic. Sure, Douchey can play. He's right downstairs.
- Douchey runs off screen*
NC (os): You chicken-blowing, Leno-stick! *gunshot. Then another*
D (os): No, no! Not the grenade! AHHHH!
NC (os): Yes, the grenade!
HM: Ask him if he wants to stay for dinner!
- caption saying "The End" as the "NC F**k Up Theme" plays.