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North

NC North review by MaroBot

Date Aired
June 3rd, 2009
Running Time
23:17
Website
Previous Review
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NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know, growing up, I remember seeing a trailer for a Rob Reiner film called North.

Clips of North

NC: (Voiceover) Even though I never saw it, it looked harmless enough. Sort of a quirky comedy about a boy who divorces his neglecting parents and searches the world for better ones.

NC: It just looked like any other average family comedy, but what really drew my attention to it was the Siskel and Ebert review.

Cut to Siskel & Ebert's review

Gene Siskel: It's junk. First class junk.

Roger Ebert: It's a movie that makes me cringe, even when I'm sitting here thinking about it.

Gene Siskel: It's ... It's embarrassing. You feel unclean as you're sitting there.

Roger Ebert: I hated this movie as much as any movie we've ever reviewed in the 19 years we've been doing this show.

NC: (surprised) DAMN. That is HARSH. I mean, these are the guys that reviewed Batman and Robin, Kazaam, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, and the Tom and Jerry movie, and THIS is the movie that made them feel unclean? What the hell could be in it that could be so bad? (Cheerfully) Come on, kids! Let's find out!

Kids offscreen: YAAAAAY!

Movie starts

NC: (Voiceover) OK, so it starts out with North, played by Elijah Wood, as he listens to his parents argue, who are, oddly enough, played by Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

North's dad: And I was inspecting pants before you even started wearing 'em.

North's mom: ...Stopover in Atlanta. That would kill him.

North's dad: ...knew more about beltloops than you'll ever know.

NC: (as George Constanza) You're KILLIN' INDEPENDENT GEORGE, ELAINE!

NC: (Voiceover) North starts to, for some reason, have a panic attack.

North's dad: ...Einstein knew arithmetic before... Do you know who I am?

North: Ah!

NC: Dude, kid! Your parents are arguing. All parents do that. It's not like you're possessed by the one ring of power.

The scene is played again with a superimposed picture of the ring from The Lord of the Rings movie.

NC: (Voiceover) As he loses consciousness more and more, we hear the narrator, played by Bruce Willis, explain why.

Narrator: Yes, North was having a difficult time with his folks, and it was putting a damper on what was, in all other respects, a very successful life.

NC: Yeah, nice read there, Bruce. It's like he knew this movie was a stinker, so he tried to get it over with as quickly as possible.

NC: (Voiceover) (Playing the narrator) North was in a jam. He really didn't relate to his parents. Next page. He decided he needed to change, so he roamed the Earth until he found the parents he was looking for. Where's my check? There it is! Gotta go! (Sound of a car driving away)

North's dad: Oh-ho, well, that shut him up!

North: Aaaaah! (falls to the ground)

North's dad: What's the matter? Here, loosen his pants.

NC: Wait, what?

North's dad: Here, loosen his pants.

NC: What, WHAT?

North's dad: Here, loosen his pants.

NC: OK. All right. You can't let a line like that go by and not have somebody make fun of it, so...here are my jokes.

A title card appears entitled "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes For This Scene" which plays in a similar fashion to David Letterman's Top 10 Jokes.

(The line appears before each joke, but for the sake of typing, I'm going to avoid it.)

NC: Number 10 - Or take his shirt off. Either way, I'm getting a show.

Number 9 - I hate it when I have to direct the strippers.

Number 8 - (as Doctor McCoy) Damn it, man. I'm a doctor, not a pedophile!

Number 7 - Isn't that the slogan for NAMBLA?

Number 6 - But just skip over the turning your head and coughing.

Number 5 - I always forget if we circumcised him.

Number 4 - Now we're gonna see why his last name is Wood.

Number 3 - (as Kramer) Elaine wants to see if he's truly sponge-worthy.

Number 2 - You know, when you suddenly were having the other white meat, this isn't what I had in mind.

NC: And the number 1 joke to made about this scene is:

North's dad: Here, loosen his pants.

NC: If anyone asks, Art Vandelay did it. Play me off, Paul!

The Critic dances to Paul Shaffer's music

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out North is sort of a child prodigy, loved by all except his own parents. So he relaxes in his secret place, which is ironically in the middle of a display room which everyone can see, so not really secret, when he comes across...Bruce Willis as a bunny. I really wish I was making that up.

North: Who are you?

Narrator: The Easter Bunny.

NC: (as North) And I'm a hobbit. Blow me.

Narrator: It's a holiday. How 'bout yours?

North: Not lately. I had a real bad game today.

NC: HOW BAD WAS IT?

North: I walked nine panthers and hit my couch's wife with a wild pitch.

NC stares at the camera to the sound of wind blowing.

North: It's my folks.

Narrator: They don't know what a good thing they got in you, huh?

North: Exactly. And they're the only ones. You should hear what all the other parents say about me!

Dad: North's room is always clean!

Mom: North always looks both ways!

Mom 2: North never spoils his appetite.

Black Dad: North flosses.

NC: North was crucified for our sins. When are you gonna make that kind of commitment?

Narrator: You realize, of course, that you're not alone?

North: What do you mean?

Narrator: Look, kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit doesn't mean I haven't...

NC: Yeah, yeah, it does. Whatever you're about to say, being in a bunny suit pretty much destroys all credibility.

Narrator: If you want my advice, and I know you didn't ask for it, go home, make up, and goodbye.

Narrator: (voiceover) And that was it. Nothin' special. I just left him there in that secret spot of his. Just him and his thoughts.

The screen begins waving.

NC: And some hallucinogenic brownies that seem to be taking effect.

North: Free agent. (echoes)

Winchell: (suddenly appears in closeup) What a scoop!

NC recoils in disgust.

Winchell: A kid becoming a free agent! It's brilliant, North! (kisses North on his forehead)

NC: Thanks...prepubescent Larry King.

NC: (voiceover) So he tells his friend Winchell, who works at the school paper, about his plan to possibly divorce his parents. But he decides to give them one last chance by giving them a call to talk to them. So he places a call to the pants factory where his father works, where...

A worker walks down a hallway, where people are inexplicably dressed as a golfer, lumberjack, and Bavarian.

NC: (voiceover) Wait...what the hell? Why is there a...Huh? What?!

NC: What the hell's going on in the background? Who owns this pants factory? Willy Wonka?

Narrator: That's bad.

NC: (voiceover) After his dad blows him off, North finally decides to cut the leash and officially divorce his folks, hiring a lawyer, played by Jon Lovitz.

Dad 2: Come on, Andy, his folks are gonna fight it!

Mom 2: Of course they are. They're not going to take this lying down.

North's parents read the article and faint.

NC: (voiceover) Get it? They said lying down and now they're lying down. I just wanted to explain that because, you know, it's so subtle. So, they go to court where the judge, played by Alan Arkin, is about as plausible as that idiot who judged the Anna Nicole Smith trial.

Judge: Even though both sides will be saying things, and I will be hearing them, it is still not a hearing! No doubt, you'll all be hearing the same things that I am hearing. That's your privilege. However, once both sides have been heard, then it will be my job to pass judgement. Obviously, you can all pass judgement, too, but it won't count.

NC: You know, it was a bold move on Reiner's part to deprive this movie of any charm. They could have had a couple of clever moments. But this director said, "Nope! That's what they'd be expecting us to do."

Judge: Have I made myself clear to the defense?

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the defense rests.

The parents are in the courtroom, still unconscious. NC stares at the camera for a few seconds.

NC: Wow. I mean... wow. That is the worst joke I have ever heard in my entire life. They did it! They did it! They made the worst joke of all time! Give them a round of applause, everybody! It's incredible!

Cut to "UHF" where the masses are celebrating this tremendous accomplishment along with the Critic. A caption reading "Worst Joke Ever!!!!!!" appears over video of fireworks

NC: (wipes a tear from his eye) Awful. Awful.

Back to the review.

NC: (voiceover) So... (sighs) North has the summer to find new parents or they'll apparently put him in an orphanage.

Judge: And if any of you has ever seen the Little Rascals, ho-ho-ho! You know that's no day at the beach!

NC: (imitating the judge) I like to judge things by 1920s comedies! You know, instead of those useless facts or statistics.

North arrives in an airport and Pa and Ma Tex greet him, wearing flashy, ultra-flamboyant cowboy-esque clothing.

NC: (voiceover) So, North first heads to Texas, where he tries spending time with his first set of parents, played by Dan Aykroyd and Reba McEntire.

At their home, servants pile food onto North's plate.

Pa Tex: Well, I reckon we'll wake up early and eat, then we'll dig for oil and eat, then we'll rope some doggies, bust a few broncs, and then maybe we'll grab a bite to eat.

NC: Wow. I mean, there's stereotypes and then there's...this.

NC: (voiceover) I mean, this isn't even how people in Texas dress. This isn't even how cowboys dress! This is like how ice skaters dressing up like cowboys dress!

North: Sorry.

NC: (voiceover) So North notices that his new folks really want to fatten him up. But why?

Ma Tex: Then you'll be like Buck.

North: Who?

Pa Tex: Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.

Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.

North: Where is Buck?

Pa Tex: [solemn] He died in a stampede.

North: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.

NC: Did I miss something here? I mean, what was the point of that conversation? Was something funny said? They had a son, the son dies, so...so what?

NC: (voiceover) They have a son, the son is fat, he dies in a stampede, so where's the humor?

NC: In fact, I'm going to play a little game with you. It's a wonderful game to play with a lot of really bad movies and it's simply called..."Spot the Joke!"

Previous scene begins replaying with the Jeopardy theme accompanying it."

NC: (voiceover) All right, listen closely. There has to be some humor in here somewhere.

Pa Tex: Why, he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.

NC: No, nothing funny yet.

Ma Tex: That's why Buck hated February.

NC: Not even a giggle.

Pa Tex: [solemn] He died in a stampede.

North: I'm so sorry.

Pa Tex: Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.

NC: Oh, oh, oh! Wait a minute! "Big Loss"...because he's fat...and dead...and fat dead people are apparently hilarious!

NC: (voiceover) 35 seconds of buildup for a fat dead person joke.

NC: Ho-ho! I hope you enjoyed playing. Tune in next time...which will probably just be in a few seconds.

Ma Tex: Ready, Pa?

Pa Tex: Ready, Ma!

Ma Tex: (suddenly singing) We had a son who was trampled by a ton of longhorns!

NC: Hello...song?

NC: (voiceover) Yeah, apparently there's a song in this movie, even though there's not one anywhere else. Is it a funny song? (beat) No.

Ma, Pa, and servants: 'Til your can's bigger than the big ol' Texas sky!

NC: (voiceover) Oh, this must have been that missing Beauty and the Beast song, "Be Our Hostage".

As the song continues, NC starts to get annoyed and disgusted.

Ma and women: You'll grow tall, and play football, be FA-MOOOOOOOOOOOOOUS!

Pa and men: You'll grow more, own a chain of stores, marry Betsy-Lou!

NC: (voiceover) This is awful!

NC: I haven't heard music this bad since Woody Woodpecker sang "Ride of the Valkyries" at the Lyric Opera!

Cut to an image of Woody, singing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyrie" to his trademark laugh.

Ma, Pa, and servants: Oh, North, North! Grow big!

Singing FINALLY stops.

Pa Tex: 'Nother rib, son?

NC: (imitating North) No, but a legitimate joke would be nice.

NC: (voiceover) So, North sits and thinks about what the flying fuck he just saw when we're approached by an old familiar face. That's right, it's Bruce Willis again! He's a cowboy now!

Narrator: You know, down here in these parts, we got a sayin'. Sometimes when you're pannin' for gold, you gotta try more than one stream.

NC: I'm familiar with another saying. "Stop following me or I'll call the police".

NC: (voiceover) So, his next stop is Hawaii, where he comes across Governor Ho and Mrs. Ho, who also want to adopt him.

Mrs. Ho: In Hawaii, "aloha" means "hello" and "good-bye".

North: Doesn't that get confusing?

Governor Ho: Only when you're firing someone.

North. Oh. Well, aloha!

NC: (New York-style accent) Whaddya mean I'm fired?!

NC: (voiceover) So, are there as many ethnic stereotypes in Hawaii as there are in Texas? Do volcano gods eat virgins?

Governor Ho: Here in the islands, we have only twelve letters in our alphabet.

North: I didn't know that!

Governor Ho: Sure, just think about it. Waikiki, Honolulu...

North: Well, that's very interesting, but how does that help me get into college?

Governor Ho: Well, since we don't use the letters B, C, D, and F, you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.

NC: (rubbing his face in annoyance) Good gravy, the jokes on Happy Meals are funnier than this.

NC: (voiceover) But North is also wondering why the governor and his wife want to adopt him in the first place.

Governor Ho: Hawaii is a lush and fertile land. In fact, there's only one barren area on all of our islands. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.

NC: (Raises his hands) That's the worst thing ever uttered by humans. This movie is pure evil.

NC: (voiceover) I mean, what is up with these jokes? They are horrible! You know what? I don't even think Rob Reiner was paying attention! I think he just wanted to go on vacation and somehow get paid for it! So he made a cheap-ass movie shouting "Cut!" every couple of minutes while he sat around swinging on a hammock! That, at least, would be a more believable excuse!

Governor Ho: Please give a big, warm Hawaiian welcome to our new pride and joy, our son, North!

A billboard is unveiled, revealing an octopus pulling down North's swimtrunks, exposing his butt.

NC: (quietly) What?

North: What is that?

Governor Ho: Son, that will be in every airport, along every highway...

North: My crack? What gives you the right to show my crack in every highway?

NC: I agree. That needs an answer.

Governor Ho: I'm the governor of a state that's running a little low on self-esteem.

Mrs. Ho: He's right. People from the mainland just don't care about Hawaii.

North: Excuse me, but what does this have to do with my crack?

NC: Again, a legit point.

Governor Ho: If you lived here in Hawaii, people would be more inclined to settle here!

North: I don't know. I... I need some time to think, okay?

NC: Yes, like, what the hell does any of this have to do with his motherfucking crack?!!

NC: (voiceover) How would that promote tourism? It's disgusting! Whenever people visit Hawaii, they want them to think of pale boy butt?

NC: What is this movie's fascination with Elijah Wood's nether regions?

NC: (voiceover) Oh, by the way, Bruce Willis pops up again. Yeah, I guess he's supposed to be like the mysterious mentor that follows him around, but I don't know. I think he's more like the annoying mushroom that says "our princess is in another castle". You just wanna smack him every time he appears.

North: But I don't think I should settle for parents who have to show my most private crevice on a billboard to make them feel better about themselves!

NC: That's nothing. You should see what Governor Palin is doing with her kids.

NC: (voiceover) And speaking of Alaska, that's where North is off to next, where the plane lands on the ground and...wait, what?

A plane lands in and slows as it nears a building. Its nose touches the glass.

NC: WHERE'S THE JOKE?!! I don't get it! The plane touches the window...why is that funny?! ANSWER ME!!!

NC: (voiceover) So, he gets to the Eskimo village where...oh, God, this isn't inaccurate at all, is it? It's like if "The Polar Express" meets "The Flintstones".

NC: I'll give the film credit, though. At least they did get Native American Graham Greene to play an Eskimo here.

NC: (voiceover) I mean, it's not like they got Kathy Bates, spray-painted her face, and slapped on a black wig like a minstrel show...

Kathy Bates appears just as the Critic described.

NC: (voiceover) NO! NO! You go back to your room, movie, until you learn something about being racially sensitive!

North and the Eskimo parents whistle and tap their feet to "The Andy Griffith Show" theme song. This goes on for a while, confusing the Critic.

NC: WHAT'S... THE... JOKE!? This isn't funny, this is just random! ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?!

NC: (voiceover) And just when you think this movie couldn't possibly get more insulting, just watch what they do with their grandfather, played by "Good Burger" survivor, Abe Vigoda.

North: What do you mean, it's time to flow?

Eskimo mother: Well, when an Eskimo gets too old or weak to contribute to society, ...

NC: You're not...

Eskimo mother: ...the whole family gets together and everybody walks to the ocean.

NC: You're REALLY not...

Eskimo father: And then, the revered, old Eskimo is proudly placed on an ice flow and set out to sea, so he can die with dignity.

NC: (voiceover) YES! Apparently, Eskimos get in line to shove off their old farts while a ticket holder moves the line along while they say goodbye. Good fuckitty God!

Eskimo mother: Oh, don't worry about him, North. He's had a great life. He's happy to set sail, before he starts embarrassing himself.

The Critic looks on, shocked by what he's seeing and hearing.

Ticket holder: (voiceover) Come on. Let's go, pal. That's no surprise to you, isn't it?

A buzzer go off, indicating for the next in line to come.

Ticket holder: Next! Let's go. Don't act like you don't know what's going on here. Come on, let's go!

NC: First of all; when this was done, it was done in times of famine, not just because they were old. Second; it was incredibly rare and only done as a last resort. Third; THIS HAPPENED EONS AGO! Nobody does it anymore!

NC: (voiceover) I mean, did you do any research? Do you know anything about how the world works?

NC: READ... A FUCKING BOOK!

The scene changes to a museum.

NC: (voiceover) Meanwhile, back at home, the real parents of North are put on display in a museum because I guess they're still comatose. And apparently, Rob Reiner thinks this is still funny.

Museum director (Ben Stein): I'll now take questions.

NC: (impersonating a guest with a phony accent) Yes. How long are you going to milk this joke?

The scene changes to Winchell and the lawyer

NC: Oh! And remember that newspaper kid who printed the story originally? Yeah, the film suddenly decided he's a villain. You see, all the kids in the world are now threatening to leave their folks and hire Jon Lovitz as their lawyer, which somehow propels him and his new partner, the child newspaper editor, into being the most POWERFUL and RICHEST people in the WORLD. OKAY!

Winchell: (in a flat, monotonous voice) And as we speak, grown-ups across this great land of ours are feeling humiliated. They blame North for all their frustrations. Do you realize how many of those angry parents would like nothing better than to do away with our little friend?

NC: My God! It's a young Dick Cheney!

Jon Lovitz: But for North to be martyred, ...doesn't he need to be killed by one of those angry parents?

Winchell: (still in a flat, monotonous voice) Well... maybe we'll get lucky.

NC: (terrified) IT IS DICK CHENEY! (screams)

NC: (voiceover) So North then travels to... Oh, great! We're making fun of the Amish now. Wonderful, classy.

Amish father: I'm theine father. And this good woman, who art my wife, art theine mother. And these art theine brothers, who art named Ezekiel.

North: (faking enjoyment) I have always dreamt of a life without the ever-present nuisance of electricity. Just let me grab something from the plane. (then, to the pilots) FLOOR IT!

The plane takes off, leaving the Amish rally behind.

NC: (confused) Well, at... least their cruelty to the Amish was short.

NC: (voiceover) So he goes to Africa where, of course, everyone is in a grass hut, drops by China where everyone hails him as some sort of emperor.

NC: Why don't you have him just drop by France, where everyone wears berets, smokes, drinks wine and every TV channel has 24 hours of Jerry Lewis.... it's the next scene, isn't it?

North is shown with his French parents, who laugh at Jerry Lewis movies while drinking wine, smoking and North is trying to change the channel.

NC: (slo-mo) YOU... ARE... SCUM!

NC: (voiceover) Finally, North seems to come across a nice family with a father, played by John Ritter. They have a white picket fence, eat dinner together and even gave birth to Scarlett Johansson. That was nice of them. Yep, they treat North like he's one of their own. The only downside is this would be his new brother.

A scene from "The Good Son" plays.

Henry: (flat, monotonous voice) That was a darling story, Mark.

NC screams in terror.

NC: So while his new family seems downright perfect, North, FOR SOME REASON, still isn't satisfied.

John Ritter: North, we just don't understand why you're leaving.

North: Neither do I.

NC: (impersonating North) The script forgot to give me a reason so... Bye.

North: Just gotta be alone.

John's wife: We're going to miss you, too.

The family dog barks once

Scarlett Johansson: And so will Oliver.

NC: Thank you. And I look forward to seeing your ass in "Lost in Translation". (quietly) It's gonna look great!

NC: (voiceover) So he walks back to New York, uncertain of what he's gonna do, when he suddenly bumps into...

North sees Bruce Wills (the Narrator) on a stage

Narrator: He sits down next to a very beautiful young lady...

NC: (whispering) Sssh! If you walk by quietly, maybe he won't notice you.

North goes to Bruce Willis' room

NC: (voiceover): Son of a bitch.

Narrator: Joey Fingers. Nice to see you. And you are?

North: North.

Narrator: Always been one of my favorite directions.

NC: Huh. This film is so bad, you'd think they would've used that joke earlier. But nope. They were saving it!

NC: (voiceover) So, North wonders what he's gonna do, when the mythical powers of Willis's wisdom finally puts everything into perspective.

Narrator: You realized something it takes most people a whole lifetime to figure out. And some people never figure it out at all. That a bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes.

NC: (disgusted) I hate you.

NC: (voiceover) So, Willis drops him off at the airport so North can meet up with his folks, who, I guess, finally snapped out their coma.

Narrator: And remember, kid, if you can't stand the heat, stay out of Miami.

North: What does that metaphor mean?

Narrator: What metaphor? You ever been down there in August? Your balls stick to your leg like crazy glue!

NC: You know, for kids!

Airport clerk: Where you think you're going?

North: I'm going home.

Airport clerk: Not on this plane, you're not!

North: Why not?

Airport clerk (takes out a newspaper) It says here you're dead!

North: But I'm not!

Airport clerk: How can I be sure?

North: I'm standing here talking to you.

Airport clerk: I know, and that scares me. And since I don't scare-

NC: (interrupts) And one uninspired comedy routine later...

Kid: What's he doing here?

Second kid: He's trying to get back to his old parents!

Third kid: It'll ruin everything! Let's get him!

The kids start to chase North.

NC: So the kids chase him down, when suddenly...

A Federal Express truck appears driven by the Narrator. North jumps in.

NC: (voiceover) Okay, wait a minute. That was two minutes without a Willis cameo! That's not even enough time to change costumes!

North: What are you? Some kind of guardian angel?

Narrator: Well, I guess you can say that. Because in a manner of speaking, we at Federal Express feel that we are guardians. Guardians of your most important packages and priority communiques!

NC: (as FedEx announcer) Federal Express! Our creepy Bruce Willis stalkers are here to serve you!

NC: (voiceover) So Willis finally gets him home, as it turns out his parents aren't there. They're at his secret spot, which apparently wasn't so secret if they knew about it, waiting for him to show. And who else should be there but the judge, of course, wearing the robe and everything.

North's dad: Alright, you wait here. I'm gonna go look for him.

North's mom: Good idea!

Judge: Bad idea! Let me remind you that the ruling stipulates that North is supposed to be in the arms of both parents. That's two parents and four arms.

NC: You know, no offense, Judge, but I'd put more stock in the Dancing Itos. They at least had a little bit more class than you do!

NC: (voiceover) So North rushes to his secret spot as the Spawn of Cheney apparently has a henchman there waiting to kill him!

NC: Just how powerful is this kid? Does he also have an army of demons at his beck and call?

North rushes to his secret spot, spliced with footage of the Uruk-hai from Fellowship of the Ring.

Lurtz: Find the halfling! Find the halfling!

NC: (voiceover) So North rushes towards his parents, the henchman gets out his gun, pulls the trigger and...(North suddenly wakes up in his secret spot)it was all a dream.

NC goes crazy.

NC: WHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTT?!!!

NC: (voiceover) You actually went to the lowest common denominator and made it all a dream?! YOU ASS OF SHIT!!!

Narrator: You still here?

North: Must have fallen asleep.

Narrator: Come on. I'll give you a ride home.

The Narrator drives North home.

NC: (voiceover) Yes, along with all the other great lessons of this movie, take rides from strangers, especially if they dress up like the Easter Bunny. That's a good idea!

North: Thanks a lot, mister.

Narrator: Don't mention it, kid. And remember, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

NC: (voiceover) Yep, an hour and a half of unfunny jokes, ethnic stereotypes, and hate-filled stupidity, just for something you'd see on a welcome mat. I hope you enjoyed this journey of racist insensitivity. Allow us to replace the credits with the words "We're Sorry" a hundred times!

NC: This movie is...amazing! It actually goes beyond belief! In today's PC world for a film like this to get made, let alone for kids, it's scary as shit!

Footage from North is played.

NC: (voiceover) How could anyone greenlight this? How could anyone sign on for it? How could they get all these big name stars for such an ugly piece of cinematic prostitution?!

NC: Maybe Rob Reiner thought he had too many good films and needed a bad film to even it out. Personally, I now see why Siskel and Ebert hated this film so much. And I really agree with Roger Ebert when he ended his review by saying:

A scene of Ebert from the "Worst of 1994" episode is played.

Roger Ebert: I hated this movie! Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie! Hated it! Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it!

NC: YOU'RE TOO FUCKING NICE! I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!

THE END

Roger Ebert: (after the end card) Hated it!

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