So I'm sitting there, tending the bar, when in walks someone I see quite often around the place, Pacman.
Now, Pacman is usually a very quiet bloke, and this time was no exception. He doesn't make much chit-chat, so I just left him to his drink.
When all of a sudden, Link came up.
And I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, no. This...This can't be good. Anything involving this guy can never be good."
Well, he sits down next to Pacman, and they start chatting. This is interesting...
And at one point, Link starts... holding Pacman's hand. And Pacman doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he's sort of into it.
Now, usually, I don't mind, I don't question this kind of stuff, it's none of my business, but...I knew that Pacman was a married... Pac.
I mean, I immediately started thinking about Mrs. Pacman, and how, you know, she would never approve of this, so I decided to butt my nose in. It's not really my place, but I felt I should say something. I said, "Oy, Mr. Pacman. Um... does your wife know about this?"
And he says, "Well, me and my wife... we got an understanding."
And then Link says, "Oh, yeah! My wife and I got an understanding too!" (Dominic rolls his eyes)
And I said, "Are you sure? I mean, that-that really doesn't sound like her."
And he says, "No. We got a total understanding. In fact, she's in the back. You want me to go get her?"
I say, "Well, I-I wouldn't mind saying 'Hello' to the Missus."
So, he leaves the room for a second, and I'm left there with...Link...He's doing all kinds of under-the-green-skirt jokes I never even knew existed. He has, like, 30 of those jokes; I'm just amazed at that.
So, finally, Mrs. Pacman returns. Sure enough, there she is, sitting down, chatting with Link, and I said, "Oy, I just wanna check. You KNOW that your husband is seeing Link right now...?"
And she says, "Oh, yeah, yeah, me and the husband, we got an understanding."
And I say, "Yeah, that's what your husband said, too."
And she said, "Well, I know it's a little taboo, but, you know, it's just the way Pacs like to swing things."
I say, "Okay, I... guess that's no big problem, then."
Then, all of a sudden, Q-Bert pops up.
He says, "Oy! Mrs. Man! I haven't seen you in forever! We still going to go out Thursday night?"
And I go, "Well, she's seeing other people, I guess it's not much of a problem," but uh... she seemed a little hesitant. Wanting to get away from Q-Bert there. She just kind of nodded, and then ran out of the place very quickly. I thought that was kind of odd that she rushed out so quickly, and I saw Link thought so, too.
But just before we can even think about it, Pacman came back in. He says, "Was my wife here?"
I say, "Yeah."
He said, "She straighten everything out?"
And I said, "Yeah, yeah, everything's straightened out."
Q-Bert comes up to Mr. Pacman, and says, "Oy, you got the world's coolest wife, you know that?"
And he says, "I know, I know."
And he says, "In fact, I'm gonna call right now, if that's not too inappropriate."
Pacman looks left and right and says, "Actually, that wouldn't be very appropriate."
Q-Bert says, "Why?"
"Well, she's on her way to the car right now, and she always turns off her phone every time she walks out to the car, so i-it probably wouldn't be on, anyway."
Q-Bert says, "Oh. That's a shame. I wanted to tell her to bring the extra-strength glue and pellets that make your hoo-haa turn blue,"
And he says, "You know what? Maybe she IS out there. L-Let me go out and get her real quick."
Well, immediately, Link and I start looking at each other like, "This is a little strange... Pacman and Mrs. Pacman are never in the same room, are they?"
Within a few seconds, Mrs. Pacman comes back and, lo and behold, there's no Mr. Pacman with her. She flirts with Q-Bert a bit and gives him a pat on... what I pray to God is his behind. And I distinctly hear Q-Bert whisper in her ear, "Maybe tonight's the night I'll finally get some." Well, she just smiles, and pinches his... I know it wasn't his cheek, but I digress.
Q-Bert leaves the room, and now Mrs. Man is stuck with us again. Well, Link and I are giving her this look, and I say, "Oy, where's you're husband right now?"
She said, "In the bathroom."
I said, "Oh, yeah? Where were you just a few minutes ago?"
She said, "The parking lot."
Link says, "I never see any pictures of you two together."
She says, "I'm camera shy."
"Where's your wedding ring?"
"I lost it."
"You didn't get another one?"
"Didn't need it."
I say, "What's your maiden name?"
She said, "...Woman. Pac... woman."
I said, "...You're Pacman aren't you?"
She said, "No! No! I don't know what you're talking about!"
I said, "Game's up, Mr. P, we know it's you." So he takes off the bow and wipes off the lipstick. It was him. Mr. P was Pacman AND Mrs. Pacman. I just realized, I'm in 'The Crying Videogame!'
The... 'The Crying Game,' 'cause it was about a man and a woman, and - - You're gonna get it later, and you're gonna laugh.
So I of course ask, "Oy! Why are you doing this?"
And he says, "Well... have you ever wondered what it's like to be two people?"
Link says, "No, but my wife certainly has."
He says, "It's very liberating to be any gender you want, have any gender you want, any time you want."
And I said, "Well, that's all dandy and good, but, uh, just what gender 'are' you, anyway?"
Link said, "It better be a fucking man."
He said, "The truth is, Pacs don't have genders. In fact, we don't even have private parts." They're sort of like Ken dolls down there.
Link says, "Well, wait a minute, how did we--"
He said, "They're strap-ons." He gets 'em from a specially-made Mr. Potatohead shop. Just strap it on, take it off...
I suddenly realized why I'm supposed to mind my own business.
But he assures Link, he says, "Oy, I still find you attractive, I still think you're incredibly handsome, and... to be honest, I might even have feelings for you. So, come on...can't we patch this up?"
Link said, "Sorry. You lost me at 'I had feelings for you.'" He said, "The handsomeness, the attractiveness, I could go with that, but the feelings? That's just too clingy for me."
Link is such a prick.
He tells Pacman, "I'm going to go find Q-Bert and tell him the truth. You're on your own, lemonhead."
And Pacman says, "Wait. What about our Triforce of Love?"
Link says, "It's going to be a Duplex of Disappointment."
Which I guess, logically, sort of makes more sense because I guess Q-Bert could probably give the better BJ with that mouth of his, but I SERIOUSLY digress.
So, Pacman is sitting there, tears in his eyes, and I say, "Oy, it's okay, there are plenty of other... Cornpuffs in the cereal bowl."
Pacman said, "I know, I know. But...I guess in the end, I still have the ghosts."
I said, "You and the ghosts are seeing each other?"
He said, "Of course we are! Haven't you played the game? I chase 'em around, and then I eat 'em out."
I say, "Here's your bill."
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|