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Paranoia

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Admin's note: This guide is unfinished. Please finish it.

(NC montage *features two shots from this recent season*)

NC: Hello, I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well it's that DVD review time again, and you know what that means, I have to find something public domain to look at...or else I'm decapitating Hollywood. But you know what? I don't want to. Yeah. Fuck it! I mean, I'm sick of looking at crappy sci-fi, or 40's propaganda! I want to do something current, popular, and even something I asked permission for.

(NC picks up his phone and dials it.)

NC: Hey Brad, can I review Paranoia?

(Cuts to Brad Jones at his place.)

Brad: Go fuck a horse!

(Cuts back to the NC)

NC: Thanks. This is Paranoia.

(The title screen of Paranoia appears follow by clips of the film.)

NC (vo): You ever wonder what would happen if The Cinema Snob turned into one of those pretentious filmmakers he makes fun of? The darkest recesses of my nightmares won't allow me to think about it, but luckily this film exists to show me what the outcome would be. It has sex, murder, mayhem, and probably the biggest collection of bearded men since The Last Temptation of Christ. But is it on par with main writer and actor Brad Jones' other work?

NC: Well, he...does keep his cat out of most of the shots. Lets get our freak on with, Paranoia.

NC (vo): So we open up with Jones before he looked like a retired bobblehead, as he plays a character named Mark.

NC: (Imitating Tommy Wiseau from The Room) O hai, Mark.

NC (vo): He's upset because his wife is leaving and thus he's out of a free meal ticket.

Marisa: At some point over the last five years it had to be good, wasn't it?

Mark: I never said it wasn't.

Marisa: You never said anything, you're always locked away writing.

Mark: I'm trying to make a career.

Marisa: In the five years since we met, you never finished anything. I took a second job to cover bills, to pay for this house. I put aside things I wanted. I put them aside because I was supporting you.

(Cut to NC)

NC: Oh come on, a spouse supporting a freelance writer? Pfft, who wouldn't believe that?

(Cut back to movie with Marisa carrying a box)

Marisa: Get over it, Mark. (slams box on counter) It's never gonna fucking happen.

NC (vo): Ehh, to be fair, she does this everytime she watches Short Circuit 2.

(Cut to Mark outside the car Marisa is in)

Mark: Be safe.

Marisa: I hope you're happy.

Mark: (looks off and sighs before looking back at Marisa) You too.

Marisa: Can't remember the last time I was.

(Marisa hands her wedding ring back to Mark and backs out of the driveway. Text fades in on the screen saying "All of My Paranoia Will Return".)

NC (vo): So while walking by a piece done by renowned Deviant artist, HarleyQuinnFan2617, Mark sits around pondering his life.

Mark: (looking at a picture of himself with Marisa) What the fuck happened?

NC (vo): Yeah, he's also wondering, "Hmmm, if she's the one supporting me, then how come I'm the one staying at the really nice house?"

(The doorbell suddenly rings. Mark slowly approaches the door and opens it to find nobody there.)

Mark: Bad night. (He turns away when someone suddenly knocks on the door. He falls over in surprise.) Christ!

NC (vo): Yeah, that incredibly light knock was pretty startling. 

(Mark opens the door to find someone (Carl Stowers) standing there with his eyes closed. He suddenly collapses.)

NC (vo): (as Concorde from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail") Message for you, sir.

NC (vo): He finds a person who seems to have been shot dead. But, maybe he's not entirely dead. Maybe he's just half dead. (Mark starts to drag the body through the house when it suddenly moans and he drops it in shock. Carl stands up and, after a pause, shuts the door.) Well, that's better, and now back to the ground. (Carl collapses again) He goes next door to try and call the police, but has a rough time convincing his neighbour. 

Mark: John, I really don't mean to bother you, but could I possibly use your cell phone for a minute or two?

John: You wanna use my cell phone? 

Mark: Yeah.

John: Who are you calling?

Mark: Why?

John: At 12:30, I have the right to ask.

Mark: The police!

John: Just cut it, Mark, and tell me the truth! You're calling your wife, right?

Mark: Marisa left me, and that's not why I need to use the phone. I need to call the police, John.

John: Pay me $5.

Mark: For what?!

(Cut to NC)

NC: Gee, I'm so glad this conversation about the phone is here. It just moves forward so much character development and story and raises so many tormenting questions like... "Will Mark ever get a cell phone?"

(Cut back to the movie)

John: Buy a cell phone, Mark! (John shuts the door in Mark's face)

Mark: I don't want a fucking cell phone.

(As he walks off, goofy sitcom music starts playing and the screen fades to black. White text appears followed by multi-colored text which reads "Cellphones: They're Wacky!")

NC (vo): But Mark quickly realises that his house seems a little corpseless.

(Mark enters his bathroom to find the corpse lying in his shower.)

Mark: Fuck! (He points a gun at the body, which is actually still alive.)

Carl: I'm not really bleeding all that bad, actually. If I was, I might have already been dead by now.

(Cut to NC)

NC: ...Kind of goes without saying. I mean, isn't that kinda like going, "I didn't lose my penis. If I did, I couldn't pee."

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): The stranger tries to cop a feel, but Mark just says no to thugs. (After shooting Carl, Mark picks up a bottle of alcohol and drinks it) Hey, here's a fun drinking game. Take a shot everytime he takes a shot. If he gets to go through this movie drunk, why can't I? (Mark puts down the bottle) Well, nothing better to do after a few strong ones than go for a nice leisurely drive. It's good body dumping weather.

(Mark lights a cigarette as he continues to drive down the road while sad music plays in the background)

NC (vo): (as Radio announcer) This is 373.5. Smooth, soothing music for your homicidal psychotic mind. This one's for you, Mark, if you're listening. It's called "Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me." (normal) He gets pulled over by a police officer who I swear to God is the guy he just shot! Is that his doppelganger?

Officer: You know, you're, uh, left tail light's out. I won't give you a ticket this time, but you need to take that in and get that fixed ASAP.

(Cut to NC)

NC: And by the way, have you seen my twin brother? He's a very eccentric Jehovah's Witness who has a strange way of converting people door to door.

(Cut back to the movie)

Officer: If you wanna pop the trunk, I can take a look at it right now. Sometimes, the cord just jiggles loose.

Mark: No no no no no, I don't want to trouble you. I was planning on going to the service station anyway.

NC (vo): (as Officer) I was thinking we could take care of it here, in Brainerd.

NC (vo): He goes to a fix-it shop after he pulls the dead body into the front seat...that's less conspicuous...and he asks the guy to fix up the tail light. 

Mechanic: Keys?

Mark: What?

NC (vo): By the way, boys and girls, today's secret word is "what" or "huh". Trust me, they're used all the time during this friggin' flick! (A montage of Mark saying "What?" and "Huh?" is shown.) He uses it more times than a deaf person!

(The mechanic shows Mark some of Carl's blood on his fingers)

Mechanic: Your blood?

(Cut to NC)

NC: No, it's the dead person I killed. Oh! (laughs) I can't believe that question got me! I...What are the odds?

(Cut back to the movie)

Mark: (talking to his reflection in a mirror) Just hang in there, man. It's not like you're gonna die.

Voice: Don't let things get to you. (Mark spins around to see a pair of feet in the cubicle behind him) Every time there's a salacious story in the news, people get worried, even paranoid. It's part of what makes us human.

(Cut to NC)

NC: ...Thank you, toilet psychiatrist...

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): What, is he reading a Dr. Phil book while he's sitting in there?

NC (vo): (as Dr. Phil) Don't you see what you're doing to your family, Mark? Your over-eating is hurting them as well as you. Now, I expect to see a drastic loss of weight in the next two years. Get cracking!

NC (vo): So after he leaves the everyday car place that puts black garbage bags on their doors, he drops off his friend...at a cliff. And decides to go home...to the person he's just killed's home. Why?

(Cut to NC)

NC: I'm not really sure.

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (vo): Maybe he just wanted to know what kind of guy would have the nerve to be shot by him. Or maybe it's to have a relatively pointless scene like this one.

(Mark opens the door to a woman)

Woman: Friend of Carl's?

Mark: In a way.

Woman: OK, well, I'm just returning this to him.

NC (vo): So she gives him this...screwdriver used on Star Trek...and he decides to roam the streets, coming across an old friend...of the past five minutes.

Mechanic: Oh! Tail light, right?

Mark: I stopped in to get some cigarettes and the machine's broke.

Mechanic: Is that so? (he pulls two cigarettes out of his shirt pocket) Here.

Mark: I don't know what to say. Thank you.

Mechanic: Yeah, well, I quit.

NC (vo): Yeah, I quit. That's why I have two in my pocket(!)

(Mark suddenly puts his hand to his head)

Mechanic: You alright, man?

Mark: Just a headache.

NC (vo): So as Jones's acting continues to go Shatner, he decides to drop by a restaurant where the waitress seems very talkative.

Claire (Waitress): Here you go. (she pours Mark a glass of water) It's on the house.

Mark: Thanks.

(cut to NC)

NC: Whoa, free water? This place rocks!

(Cut back to the movie. The waitress turns on a radio)

Claire (Waitress): You don't mind, do you?

NC (vo): Yeah, I guess music in a restaurant is pretty bizarre.

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