And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Paranormal Activity 3."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(whispers) Toby says there are spoilers.
There's this family who lives in the 80's.
And it turns out in the future one of the little girls is gonna grow up, and her house is gonna be robbed!
But nothing's gonna be stolen except for a necklace.
Oh, and apparently some tapes! (pauses) Don't remember that from the last movie.
But this movie clarifies that that's what happened! Tapes were stolen as well!
That's why all throughout the second film they always said, "Wasn't that weird our place being broken into and nothing being stolen? Except our tapes? I mean, I find that very weird that he would only take our tapes! I'm questioning that, you know, as in start a discussion! It's not like this was written later so we could move the story along more conveniently. Oh yeah, and by the way, Anakin Skywalker built C-3PO."
So the family is living really, really happily.
But they have one little problem.
Their grandparents promised their very first son to the devil!
I promised my firstborn son to the devil once!
And yet I still can't get pregnant.
But it's okay, because these ghosts start talking to the two little girls.
"What's your name Mr. Dead Man?"
Oh, come on, Maguire! You've been dead ever since Spiderman 3!
I know, I'm a bitch.
And so the stepfather thinks something weird is going on.
And so he starts setting up cameras all throughout the house!
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm just setting up a camera in the kids room so I can watch 'em all night."
"Even though you're new to this family, I won't find this weird."
"And seeing how I'm the only male in a 'Paranormal Activity' movie, I'm just gonna be a jackass and a moron."
"That seems fair."
So he sets up cameras all around the house, and guess what he discovers?
Everyone in the house loves jump scares!
Ahhhhaha! Oh, it's just my wife!
Ahhhhaha! Oh, it's just the babysitter!
Ahhhhaha! Oh, it's just some supernatural entity pulling my daughter's hair! (pauses, then screams)
So the ghost starts using things throughout the house to scare them.
Including hiding himself under a sheet!
(Chester's coat is pulled over his head) I got a rock. (holds out hand)
Raising the kitchen table!
(looking up) Huh, that's weird. Is Mary Poppins in town? (loud crash; he jumps) Ahhh!
And even using the Lite Brite!
(sings) Lite Brite, Lite Brite, Satan's watching you tonight!
So the stepfather is like, "I'm totally freaked out! I think we should get outta here!"
And the mother is like, "There's no such thing as ghosts! (turns; jumps at loud crash) I'll pack my things!"
So they pack all their stuff and they go to grandma's house.
And the grandmother is like, "Don't worry, honey, you'll be safe and sound in my cult."
(makes devil gesture) "Hail Satan...!"
So the stepfather and mother think they hear a sound in the middle of the night.
And because the stepfather likes to friggin' film everything, he takes the camera around the house to look at the intruders!
And what does he find?
A great big gang of little old ladies! Ahhhhhh!
(runs) "Help! I'm under attack by the Golden Girls!"
But the stepfather finds one of the daughters, and they hide in a closet.
(annoyed) You know, because they're stupid!
And the stepfather films the little girl breathing heavily as she's almost scared to death.
"Oh, this'll look great on Youtube! ...In 20 years."
But then he comes across his other little daughter, standing there by the body of his dead wife!
So the stepfather is like, "You stay here my daughter while I go check on your sister!"
"But aren't there psychotic killers in the house?"
"Yes. So they won't expect it if we split up."
"You're a horrible father. I'm glad you're gonna die."
So the father goes over to the other little daughter (He makes slow creeping movements) as slowly as friggin' possible.
No rush at all, guy! There's just a whole team of psychotic killers looking for you!
And the daughter is like, "Hey, you know those really annoying videos on Youtube with the scary faces?"
"Do they look like this?!" (He turns with his mouth wide open and black circles covering his eyes.)
"Ahhh!" (He flies backwards and crashes)
So the mother is dead, the stepfather's dead, and all that is left are the two little girls and the grandma.
Well, that's nice.
And the grandmother's like, "Come, little girls. We have a wedding to get to!" (evil laughs)
Wow! That tied up everything nicely except for the fact that there's about a bajillion unanswered questions.
Are the little girls marrying a ghost?!
What does marrying a ghost have to do with giving birth to a son?!
Why don't they remember any of this in the other movies?!
Why were the girls suddenly okay with this?!
Well, all these questions and more will be answered in "Paranormal Activity 4: Still Milking It."
Now, something you might be wondering is why I haven't mentioned the fact that there's a scary Teddy Ruxpin in the movie.
(He starts getting nervous) Well, it's...not like Teddy Ruxpin is an actual real threat, or alive right now, or...pointing a gun at me in the least. In fact, it was probably a mistake to mention him at all. (He's now very nervous) In fact, what's Teddy Ruxpin? I never heard of Teddy Ruxpin before-- (The screen goes back. Chester screeches) Who turned off the lights?! (A gunshot is heard and Teddy Ruxpin's evil red eyes appear along with him singing, "Come dream with me toniigghhtt..." Cue credits.)