And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Paranormal Activity 4."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(turns head) What was that?
It's okay. It's just a-- SPOILERS!
There's this film series called Paranormal Activimaty.
And they've made an entire film series out of moving a door and telling us that it's scary!
(Mimes opening creaky door)
"The door moved!"
But this time around they've done something completely different.
They've brought in a little boy to tell us that the door moved and it's scary!
(Mimes opening creaky door again)
"That little boy made the door move!"
But who is this little boy?
Well, he used to live next door to this family who also can't stop filming everything that goes on in their lives.
But unfortunately the little boy's mother is taken to the hosmitimal.
So the family's like, "We'll just take care of this little boy because he has nobody else to care for him!"
"Don't you think that's a little weird?"
"Do you even know the mother?"
"Couldn't the police who apparently found the mother have put the boy in more specialized care?"
"You don't see anything going wrong with this at all-- (is slapped) Ow!"
So the little boy's name is Robbie, and he's like, "I am just your everyday, standard little boy."
"You look like a creepy spawn of Satan."
"Don't talk about father that way."
So the boy likes to play with the family's son.
And the son is like, "Look, when I turn on the night vision with the Kinect, I can see all these little dots!"
"Why is that interesting?"
"Because not only will it create some creepy scares, we could also get a sponsor out of it!"
"Toy marketing in these movies is the real monster!"
"Oh good, you mean we're finally gonna see one of the monsters in this movie?"
But the girl in the family is like, "Mom, I don't trust that little boy. He's incredibly suspicious, and all this bad stuff has been happening ever since he turned up. We have to do something!"
"I would like to, honey, but we're the idiot downers in this movie. Your father and I are going to deny you every single chance we get. Now, if you'll excuse me, we're going to do the benign tango!"
(singing and dancing) "Benign, benign, we're so benign!"
So Robbie is trying to convince the son that he actually has a different name.
"Your name is Hunter."
"Your name is Hunter!"
"Your name is Hunter!"
"Actually, Hunter sounds good. Okay, I'm Hunter."
And then something really creepy happens in the kitchen.
The mother's knife flies up, and we don't see it for a while!
OH MY GOD, when is it gonna drop?! Is it gonna be when somebody's looking over there, or maybe when someone-- (knife drops) Huh, that was anti-climatic.
But then Robbie's mother finally comes home.
But it's Katie from the other movies! AHHHH! (long pause) Wait, how does that make sense?
Katie originally left with Hunter.
Now she has another kid, and Hunter got adopted by another family?
When did she lose Hunter?
That doesn't seem like a woman who could easily lose her kid!
If anyone tried to take her kid away, she'd be like, "Photoshop face!" (Scary face is put over his)
But okay, she eventually gets Robbie back and they bring the Hunter kid with him.
But the daughter is like, "Oh my God, my brother's been kidnapped and my father just went inside that place where he's yelling and screaming and someone's obviously killing him! There's only one thing to do in this situation! (mimes calling) Hello, police? Yes, just letting you know I'm going into a place completely alone without an adult. Later!"
"Wait, you idiot!"
So she sneaks into the house where Katie sees her and tries to eat her.
But the girl is like, "I'll show you! I'm gonna run through this entire house and escape through this window all while using the camera! (Mimes awkwardly doing this) Seriously, I should just tape a webcam to my head."
So she tries to bring Hunter with her, but he won't come.
And when she turns around what does she see?
A big, angry crowd of pissed off women!
OH MY GOD, it's the PMS parade!
"My God, they're all angry monsters who won't listen to rhyme or reason!"
And then Katie grabs the girl and is like, "All we wanted was a hug! Arrgh!" (Mimes eating, cut to black)
Boy, those trailers were right. All the Paranormal Activity movies have been building up to this! (pause) Another build-up for another sequel!
But at least so many questions have finally been answered.
Like where did Katie get that Robbie kid?
Why is it only a group of women were possessed at the end?
How did Katie lose Hunter in the first place?
Oh wait, those aren't answers. Those are more friggin' questions!
There's more questions in these movies than a game show!
Maybe this is all just a nightmare that one of the Blair Witch kids is having.
Except the nightmare isn't happening to them, it's happening to the rest of the world.
But it's scary either way!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya? C'mon, change!
At least see "Paranormal Activity 5" with me! This time I hear an actual window opens up!