February 14, 2012
NC: (downbeat) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. As you can probably tell by my voice, I'm just getting over an illness. It was either brought on by natural circumstances or the film that I saw was so bad it made me physically sick. Either one wouldn't surprise me! So, the doctor says I should be fine, though, as long as I get plenty of rest and relaxat...(gets hit by clown nose) OW!
Dr. Bitch Spasms appears wearing clown makeup and speaking like Robin Williams.
Bitch Spasms: Hoho! Don't you know? The cure for anything, anywhere, is laughter! Hoho!
NC: Who are you?
Bitch Spasms: I'm Dr. Bitch Spasms, and I'm here to make you laugh! Hoho!
NC: But I don't wanna laugh. I wanna get better.
Bitch Spasms: Well, laughter's the best medicine!
NC: No, medicine's the best medicine.
Bitch Spasms: Hoho! What? You don't trust a doctor who looks like this?
NC: ...No, I don't.
Bitch Spasms: (points to his clown nose) Look. A red nose. It's funny.
NC: No, it isn't.
Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
NC: No, it isn't.
Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
NC: No, it isn't.
Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
NC: No, it isn't.
Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
NC: No, it isn't.
Bitch Spasms takes off the clown nose and throws it at NC.
Bitch Spasms hops out of the room cartoonishly.
NC: Yeah, it's Patch Adams, everybody.
scenes from movie play
NC:(VO) I know what you're thinking: "Oh, Nostalgia Critic, you're against new forms of medicine and new techniques!" No, I'm not. I'm against a bad Robin Williams movie horribly relaying that new form of medicine and new techniques. I personally don't know if the techniques of the real Hunter Adams work. Maybe they do, maybe he's a genius. From what I've looked up, he seems pretty legit. But the way they're trying to tell his story is such a cliched, emotionally forced dickfest that makes me want to kick him in his comedic dangly red balls!
NC: So let's see how much "based on a real story" can get away with. This is Patch Adams.
NC:(VO) So how is the raunchy Williams going to make his entrance in this film? Oh wait, is this the actually funny Robin Williams or the shoving inspiration down your throat until you puke Robin Williams?
("PUKE" appears on screen)
NC: Cue the piano!
Film opens with somber piano music.
NC:(VO) We see Patch checking himself into a mental institution because he's suicidal. Now, is it me or would they put the suicidal person in a less threatening,"Holy shit, I wanna shoot myself" location than this?
Insane roomate starts screaming and whipping his pillow
Patch: (pounding on door) We need help in here! Somebody!
NC: Yeah. I'd be afraid of a Fisher King reunion too.
NC:(VO) I don't know. Even for 1969, wouldn't they know not to put a person who's for the most part calm and of sound mind in a ward filled with screaming, unstable people? Well, maybe they're not unstable. Maybe they're just misunderstood. Oh, Patch, show us the way.
Patch is sitting next to a catatonic man with his hand raised
Patch: I think he has a question.
Orderly: Do you find that funny, Hunter? Making fun of a man's infirmity?
Patch: Maybe he does have a question. He's alive.
Orderly: He's catatonic.
Patch: He still has a brain. Maybe he wants to participate too. Maybe Beanie knows a lot more than we give him credit for.
NC: Yeah, that's true. Maybe we should treat him like a person instead of some useless punchline...
Patch: (as other patients laugh) Beanie, how much taller is Wilt Chamberlain than you? How do you say hello to Hitler? (NC's mouth hangs open) Who would win a staring contest? Beanie!
Other Patient: Who farted?
Patch: Beanie! Who likes to masturbate? (everyone raises their hands)
NC:(VO) Our healer, everybody! When he's not done making fun of what's wrong with you, he goes down to the orphanage to mock the kids with no parents. Oh, wait wait wait. Adams is the hero because the big bad establishment doesn't want people laughing! (stuffy British accented) BLBLBLBLBL! This is most unorthodox! BLBLBLBLBL!
Arthur: (raises four fingers) How many fingers do you see?
Arthur: Four?! Idiot.
NC:(VO) He also befriends a brilliant mind that went crazy a few years ago. But, of course, Patch connects with him.
Arthur:(holds up four fingers on Patch's hand) How many do you see?
Patch: There are four fingers, Arthur.
Arthur: Nonono. Look at me. You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem, look at me!
NC:(VO) Now that's a good point. In fact, most of the time, I don't even wanna know what the problem is! I just wanna focus on the solution.
Offscreen Voice: Nostalgia Critic! There's a....
NC: Aaaabababa don't tell me the problem. I only wanna focus on the solution. (touches his temple) I see...a banana. Use a banana.
Offscreen Voice: A...banana's gonna put out a fire?
NC: Yes it is.
Offscreen Voice: But...I don't think...
NC: Are you part of the establishment?
Offscreen Voice: No.
NC: Then use the banana!
fire sounds followed by Offscreen Voice screaming
NC: Now, you see, you didn't believe the banana would work and that's why you're on fire.
Arthur: Look beyond the fingers. How many do you see?
defocuses on fingers so they appear double
Arthur: Eight's a good answer. You see what no one else sees. You see what everyone else chooses not to see for fear, conformity, or laziness.
NC:(VO) Wow. How inspiring. That's the most original message I've ever heard in a Robin Williams movie since Good Morning Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, Fisher King, Jack, Good Will Hunting, Being Human, Jakob the Liar, Flubber, Bicentennial Man, and Man of the Year!
NC: But I'm sure this Robin Williams movie has a totally different spin on it!
NC:(VO) So he sees that by acting goofy with the patients, he can bring himself to their level and help cure their fears. So he decides that he wants to leave and help people.
Patch: I'm leaving. I wanna learn about people. I wanna help them with their troubles.
Orderly: That's what I do.
Patch: But you suck at it.
NC:(VO)(British accented) BLBLBLBLBL Most unorthodox! BLBLBLBLBL!
Patch: I wanna listen. I wanna really listen to people.
NC: Wonderful. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful psychiatris...
movie cuts to Virginia Medical University
NC:(VO)...or medical doctor. I guess they're practically the same thing. So he finds the best spot to inspiringly rebel as he meets up with his new roomate.
Mitch: I don't mean to be rude, but aren't you a little old to be starting medical school?
Patch: (shakes his hand) Patch Adams.
Mitch: Mitch Roman. Georgetown University. I was awarded the William F. Thompson Scientific Achievement Award.
Patch: I once drew a picture of a rabbit that got me two gold stars.
Mitch stares at him
NC:(as Mitch) I hope you in no way emotionally change me by the end of this film. (snorts in repressed emotion)
NC: But there's even more of the EEEVIL establishment to battle. Like the EEEEEEVIL doctor who tries to teach everybody to never get emotionally involved with their patients.
Walcott: (lecturing) He trusts you the way a child trusts. He trusts you...to do no harm! (cuts to woman in the audience)
NC:(VO) I'm sure she's not the love interest.
Walcott: (lecturing) Human beings are not worthy of trust. It is our mission here to rigorously and ruthlessly train the humanity out of you and make you into something better. We're gonna make doctors out of you.
Walcott's voice is dubbed over with sound from The Karate Kid
Kreese: Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the street, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy! An enemy deserves no mercy! (audience applauds)
NC:(VO) So Patch tries to make a move on the obvious love interest, but sadly, like most of the people in this movie, her dialogue is nothing but a walking character introduction for the trailer.
Carin: Lesbian, ball-buster, airhead, leech, whichever one of these disgusts you the most, take your pick.
Carin: Please pass the word I'm not here to date, I am not here to flirt, I'm here to study.
NC: Okay, remember in my Haunting review how I said the nineties had a certain way of writing homosexuals? Well...they had a certain way of writing women too.
scenes from older movies and TV shows play
NC:(VO) Women in the media for so long were always the emotional support, the damsels, the smiling pretty faces. (scenes from Patch Adams resume) So in the nineties there was a deperate need to change that.
NC: Oh, not by making them unpretty! (scoffs) Fuck, we wouldn't do that!
NC:(VO) But we suddenly made them cold, bitter, confrontational, and overly strong. To go out of their way to show that they're not those old emotional stereotypes, and instead make way for new emotional steroeotypes. For you see, in every nineties film, the woman behind the strong, independent wall that won't let anybody in, (feminine voice) is a sad little bunny rabbit, that will eventually let down her defenses and reveal a tragic backstory.
NC: So, you see, she wasn't a strong, confident worker just because she was a strong, confident worker.
NC:(VO)(feminine voice) Deep down she just wants to be held like any other fragile woman. Oh, I don't want to think! I just want to be loved! (normal voice) So Patch wants to lower her defenses and get through to her insecurity, even though he's...CLEARLY the king of masking insecurity himself, but we don't wanna lower his defenses because he makes us laugh.
NC: And that...excuses everything in this movie.
NC:(VO) And I'm not kidding. Look at his rationale for acting like a jackass in medical school.
Patch: The goal being to break through programmed response by changing normal parameters and getting a new emotional response from the person. (greets old lady by hanging upside down a lamppost) Hello.
Old Lady:(awkwardly) Hi...
Truman: I don't get it. "Hi" is a programmed response.
Patch: I reached her.
Truman: You scared her.
Patch: No. Wait. Wait for it...
Old lady turns toward him and smiles
Old Lady: Oh, you're nuts.
Patch: A smile.
NC: Oh yeah. That's a rational response, and not some contrived screenwriting devi-(gets hit by clown nose) OW!
Bitch Spasms: Hoho! You see, I connected with you!
NC: No, you didn't! You hit me in the face!
Bitch Spasms: Wait for it...(looks back and forth between his watch and NC looking at him nastily, then throws the clown nose at him again and hops off)
NC: You know, I'm really regretting writing this character.
NC:(VO) So, for whatever reason, we get a weird segue where Patch and his friends convince a guy that they're part of a meat packaging convention. Yeah, you heard right, a meat packaging convention.
Patch: You know, in New Zealand, they found a whole new use for sheep?
Businessman( a cowboy hat wearing southern stereotype): What's that?
Patch: Wool! (both laugh)
NC:(VO) Oh yeah. I can CLEARLY see that this movie is going to represent people in an accurate and realistic manner. No stereotypes or manipulative portrayals here! This movie's like watching real life!
Patch: Cause I'm proud of my meat! (crowd cheers) And I know you're proud of your meat! (crowd cheers) Whip it, zip it, and send it out! (crowd cheers)
NC:(VO) Alright. So we spend three damn minutes in this place just to realize...what? That if he wears a doctor's coat he can fool people into thinking he's a three year student. Okay, movie. Did you just make a bet that you could somehow work a meat packaging convention scene in there somehow?
Doctor:(to students) Here we have a juvenile onset diabetic with poor circulation and diabetic neuropathy. As you can see, these are diabetic ulcers with lymphedema and evidence of gangrene. Consider antibiotics, possibly amputation.
Patch: What's her name? (everyone stares at him)
NC:(stutters heavily) NAAAAAAAAME?!?!
Patch: I was just wondering the patient's name.
Patch: Hi, Marjorie.
NC: Alright, are you telling me that years and years of medical research and we never put together, until the early seventies, that there's a difference between not being emotionally involved and not being...a dick?
NC:(VO) Who would talk that way in front of a patient, even back then? It's called bedside manner! That existed before Patch Adams! I mean, this kind of misrepresentation is just giving him all the more reason to do stupid things like...
scenes of Patch in a room with child cancer patients pretending to be a bug and banging against the window.
NC:(VO as Patch) Hoho! I was in a mental ward! Can you tell?
scenes of Patch slipping around then pretending to be a cowboy in front of children riding an IV pole.
NC: Awesome. Wonderful. I mean it, that's really, really great work. Be a clown!
NC:(VO) I mean, you're clearly not doing anything here representing a doctor. Go to hospitals and cheer people up. That's fine. I have no problem.
NC: But I'm sorry. If choosing my doctors comes between this...
Doctor: Stabilize the blood sugar. Consider antibiotics. Possibly amputation.
scenes of Patch banging against window as bug
NC: I'm choosing the amputate guy! I don't trust him with a saw!
NC:(VO) But the (mocking tone) big, bad establishment won't let him have any fun! Let's take him to a darkly lit room where shadows are casted on his face! BLBLBLBLBL!
Walcott: The truth of it is, Hunter, passion doesn't make doctors. I make doctors.
Patch: But don't you think it would...
Walcott: Our way of doing things is the product of centuries of experience. It's my hospital.
NC:(as Walcott) First we will heal patients, and then...the world. (laughs evilly)
NC:(VO) But the doctors' (British accented) cold-heartedness does not sit well (normal voice) with the charming rebel.
Adelaine: 1432: Deviation of the tongue.
Patch: I think we'd learn more if we were working closely with patients.
Adelaine: I thought that's why we're here studying--to learn enough to help the patients.
NC: Yes. That is right.
Carin: Adelaine, don't waste your breath. Don't you th... (looks at Patch whose wearing a set of false teeth, and sighs)
scene from Ghostbusters
Walter Peck: If he does that again, you can shoot him.
Carin: Don't you think I see through you? You act like you're above the system when you're really just a non-conformist. You have to get under the fingernails of any authority figure that crosses your path as a way of dealing with some insecurity.
Audience and NC applauds as YOU WIN! flashes on screen.
NC: That is correct! That is correct! Please hand over the rest of the movie to her! Clearly, she should be the focus!
Adelaine: Listen, can we get back to the tongue, please?
Patch: What if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What is wrong with that? Does the doctor explode? No.
NC: ...you know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm...I'm gonna take that scene...(takes scene and puts it under screen) I'm gonna put it away, and I am going to save it for later, because trust me, that scene is really gonna stab this movie in the ass later. (scene peeks onto screen)(to scene) No, no. It's okay, you'll get your chance. Nonono, don't touch anything. Nono NO! DON'T TOUCH THA--
NC shoves away commercial screen. NC: BAD SCENE! THAT'S A BAD, BAD SCENE!
NC:(VO) So acting kooky to entertain patients is one thing, but, fuck it. Patch wants to act like an ass full time! So he goes around to all the students who are not sick and annoys the living shit out of them. Even when they're in the middle of taking a test.
Patch:(using a skeleton as a puppet) Donner, party of fifty! Donner! Donner, party over here!
NC: You know, if I...stab you...will you promise me that you will not only die, but it will hurt?
NC:(VO) He also sneaks into patients' rooms and surprises them with balloon animals. I sure hope none of them are susceptible to heart attacks.
scenes of Patch and his friends throwing balloon animals at two elderly patients, which they pop with pins and pop guns.
NC:(VO) Oh, and thank God sleep isn't important to any of the other patients in this ward. It's not like they put them in those beds overnight to get rest. No no no. It's to watch people have mental breakdowns with balloon animal safaris.
NC:(VO as Patch, happily) This is my way of telling you that you have CANCER!
Patch: What about you, dear? What's your fantasy?
Elderly Female Patient: I've always wanted to be in a swimming pool full of noodles. Wall to wall and top to bottom. An entire pool full of noodles. (nods suggestively)
NC:(face frozen)...llllook up Japanese porn. I'm sure you'll find something.
NC:(VO) But--get ready to get pissed off even more--He's actually one of the highest testing students in the school. Yeah, what the hell? We've never seen him study in this film or do anything resembling schoolwork, or hell, even doctor work! All he does is act like he's from a mental ward. Oh, wait, HE WAS FROM A MENTAL WARD!
Patch: You told Walcott I cheated!
Mitch: Look, cut the crap, Hunter. I live with you. I know how much you study, or I should say don't study, and you do better than me. Give me a break.
NC:(VO) Okay, this is a good point. Why don't we see him study? In Amadeus, they at least point out that he was raised from childhood to be obsessed with music. That's how he can remember things so well. But nothing here ever gives us a clue as to why he never studies, and yet gets good grades. For all we know, he could be cheating! They never give us another explanation. But apparently the teacher trusts him enough to handle the welcoming committee for a group of visiting gynecologists.
Walcott: This year, I have chosen Adams. Hunter, there's a detailed list of instructions in my office. Oh, and uh...the auditorium could use a good cleaning.
NC:(VO) Uh, yeah, tell me, professor. How did you come to that brilliant logical conclusion? I'm sure absolutely nothing will go wrong and no comedic possibilities will come from this (shows that Patch has decorated auditorium door to look like it's between a woman's legs) WHAAAAAAA?!
Patch:(to gynecologists) Welcome, cold handed ones!
NC (as Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell): ZACK MORRIIIIIIS!
Patch: It's an honor to greet/welcome so many who have touched so many women in such a powerful way.
NC:(British accented) Oh! Oh! Oh! The orthodox levels on this are most un!
NC:(VO) So finally--and I mean FINALLY--he gets himself expelled. I can't imagine why!
Walcott: Kindly remove your things and vacate the school premises as soon as possible.
Patch: What for? For asking a group of doctors to have a sense of humor about themselves?
NC: No. That wasn't asking, that was forcing. As a comedian, you should know the difference! BAD CLOWN!
Patch: Why am I such a threat to you, sir?
Walcott: Because what you want is for us to get down there on the same level as our patients.
NC: We are not on the same level as them! (dramatically) WE ARE HEALTHY!!!
NC:(VO) So he goes to the Dean of medicine and, like a doofus, he actually lets him back in. That's good. It means he can have an emotional death scene with one of the patients.
The family of a dying man walks out of his room leaving Patch with him.
NC:(VO) That's right. Out, family. Out, out. You're not allowed in here while your dad's on his death bed. Only Patch is allowed to have an emotional scene with him. You're so silly for thinking you could do that.
Patch:(singing softly) Don't I see bluebirds singin' a song...
Dying man thrusts his chin forward, lets off a death rattle, and settles onto the pillow.
NC:(VO) I am so glad the family wasn't there to witness that. I mean shaking the head and then thumping it against the pillow. No child should ever have to see such a horrible performance. So seeing this somehow gets him thinking about how many people don't have health insurance. So he starts his own hospital in a house to practice medicine WITHOUT A LICENSE, and starts seeing patients for free! Okay, nice thought, but GET YOUR FUCKING LICENSE!
NC: I mean, good God! That's horrible! That's almost as bad as stealing from a hospital!
Truman: I've been trying to warn you guys about this for weeks and now we have absolutely zero supplies.
Patch: I need your feet.
Patch smuggles supplies out of a hospital under a cloth over Truman diguised as a corpse.
Truman: You're crushing me.
Patch: Quiet. You're a corpse.
NC's jaw drops
Patch and Truman sneak out of the hospital with several supplies slipping out.
NC: Movie...did you even say this part out loud? "Your hero is stealing from a hospital?" ...do you think that would sound good on a movie poster? (image of poster that says this) "Patch Adams: He steals from hospitals." I WOULDN'T SEE THAT!
Patch: Walcott found out about our borrowed supplies.
NC: No, borrowing implies you asked, asshole.
NC:(VO) They also decide they don't need any past history on any of these patients, so scary people like this are allowed in.
Larry: I thought maybe I would get some...you know, maybe I'd talk to somebody, 'cause my...thoughts...
NC: Remember this scene also. (scene stored from earlier peeks out, he pats it down) We'll get to you, we'll get to you.
NC:(VO) But first, let's bring up that inevitable tragic backstory we were talking about earlier.
Carin: My entire life, men have been...attracted to me........my entire life.
NC: Oh! ......well uh...you know what the best cure for that is? (picks up a stuffed gorilla) A monkey. .....(dances it around joyfully) Woohoo! Woohoo! Laughter is the best medicine! Laughter is the best medicine! Woohoohoohoo! I was molested! Oh no, he touched me there, doctor! Oh ho! Are you feeling better?! Feeling better?! Hahahaha!
Carin: When I was a little girl I would look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars, turn into these beautiful creatures that could fly away completely...untouched.
NC:(VO) So as you could imagine she finally gives in to Patch's charm, discovering that she can not only trust people, but men again, just at the time when the crazy man from before claims he needs help from her.
Larry: Come in.
Carin: I really can't stay very long. I just wanted to see how you were doing.
Larry: We don't want to be late.
Larry closes the door. Scene cuts to Patch in the Dean's office
Dean: Carin Fisher was murdered. She was with Lawrence Silver, there was a shotgun involved and then he turned the gun on himself.
NC: Whoa! ......holy smokes, she-she died in real life? ...That's horrible! God, c-c-can I even make a joke about that? I mean, a woman was murdered! It'd probably be in bad taste, right? I mean it's...oh god, I feel so bad about what I said earlier. I'm so...I don't know what I can or can't get away with now. This is really sensitive territory! Holy sh...I-I gotta do more research on this. (pulls out his smartphone and starts looking something up) I gotta find out all the details. Maybe she was molested. Maybe she did go through all that horrible stuff, or maybe she was...a man! (looks at information on the man Carin was based on) Who was not romantically interested in Patch at all. In fact, the female character was a complete work of fiction in this movie. (long pause as he nods at the phone)........(puts down phone) Okay, movie. Come here. Come here, movie. (pulls out his belt) Come here! You're gettin' a whipping, movie! YOU'RE GETTIN' A WHIPPING, MOVIE!
Pulls the "Hoho!"ing movie onto his knee in a chair and starts whipping it with the belt.
NC: COME HERE! BAD MOVIE! IT'S A BAD, BAD MOVIE!! I AM SO ASHAMED OF YOU!! BAD MOVIE!!
NC:(VO) Okay, all bets are off! If this movie can't even represent a dead person by getting his GENDER right, NOT making up a false romance, AND A CHILD MOLESTING STORY, ALL OF IT FABRICATED...
NC: I'm sorry. I've worked my way up to this joke. Remember that scene I brought up earlier? (pulls out scene)
Patch: What if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What is wrong with that? Does the doctor explode?
NC: Well, if you count bullets blowing up the head of your fictional dead girlfriend, yes! YES, THEY FUCKING DO!
NC:(VO) I mean, I know a person really was murdered in real life, but it wasn't the same way, it wasn't the same time, and it wasn't even the same gender as they're saying here. And what is so strange about it is that it totally proves why the method they're so poorly trying to convey to us wouldn't work! People do make bad choices when they're emotional, and bad things do happen! Again, the real teachings of the real Hunter Adams are much smarter than this. And by trying to simplify it to such a disgusting, fictionalized degree is absolutely HORRIBLE.
NC: Let me tell YOU something, movie. Maybe YOU should have been "emotionally invested" when you were representing the life of a man...
NC:(VO) ...his theories, his friends, his real life practices, and his actual hard work.
NC:(flips the bird) FUCK...YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!
NC:(VO) So after getting torn up about his never-existing girlfriend being killed, he once again contemplates suicide. But--get a load of this--a butterfly flies up to him. Oh, could it be his dead girlfriend?
Patch looks at the butterfly as swelling background music plays
NC:(VO) Well, I guess it is, seeing how the vomit inducing happy music is playing louder than a Full House episode! I guess this means he can go back and start working with patients again, including giving that crazy lady her swimming pool full of noodles.
Elderly female patient from before enters swimming pool full of noodles with Patch in it.
NC: This calls for that whimsical Robin Williams yell that can only be played over sappy emotional music.
Patch screams in happiness as he pulls the lady into the pool and NC imitates it. Mitch looks on and laughs.
NC:(VO as Mitch, laughing) My story arc is complete.
Nurse: I'm supposed to give you this.(gives Patch a letter)
NC:(VO) (the Orcs theme from "Lord of the Rings" plays) But the (mocking tone) big, bad establishment wants to shut him down again! Didn't we just go through this scene?
Walcott: There are standards and codes. You make the patients and everyone else around you uncomfortable.
Patch: I make you uncomfortable.
NC:(British accented) Let me make this clear. You have orthodox, unorthodox, and then...MOST UNORTHODOX! YOU ARE HEEEEERRRRRRE!!!
NC:(VO) This of course leads to a courtroom scene where Patch makes what, his tenth big emotional speech?
Board Member: Did you consider the ramifications of your actions? What if one of your patients had died?
Patch: What's wrong with death, sir?
NC:(VO) Did a man who wants to save lives really just say that?
Patch: Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and God forbid maybe even humor?
NC: I know I had a good laugh when my nonexistent girlfriend croaked.
NC:(VO) He keeps making his speech and I swear to God, he uses all these cliched lines: "As God is my witness"...
Patch: As God is my witness...
NC:(VO) ..."Then I am guilty as charged"...
Patch: Then I am guilty as charged
NC:(VO) ..."I've lost everything, but also gained everything"...
Patch: I've lost everything, but I've also gained everything.
NC:(VO) ..."You can't control my spirit"...
Patch: You can't control my spirit.
NC:(VO) ...and "The best damn doctor the world has ever seen".
Patch: The best damn doctor the world has ever seen.
NC:(looking at sheet of paper) Oh, wait! You forgot "You complete me", and "Love means never having to say you're sorry".
NC:(VO) And I know what you're thinking: "Could this possibly get any more ridiculously sappy?" Well, not only do all the sick kids come in at the end--kinda weird they weren't there at the beginning--but they all wait until they get inside to put on their big red noses!
Patch smiles at the kids as uplifting music plays
NC:(flips the bird) This is all I can do. That's all. I have no words. This is the only representation I can give. (thrusts finger at camera) Feed on it! Feed on it! Let it fester! LET IT SINK INTO YOUR CONTRIVED, MANIPULATIVE ANUS!!!
Board Member: We find your methods less than appealing. Your appearance and your demeanor do not reflect what we believe is necessary to earn a patient's trust and respect.
NC:(VO) Yeah, however...
Board Member: You openly accuse us of adhering to time honored practices...
NC:(VO) Yeah, however...however...however...however...
Board Member: ...that, for years have been the backbone of the entire medical institution. However...
Board Member: We find no fault in your attempts to improve the quality of life around you. Therefore we find no merit in the decistion to block your graduation from medical school. And, uh, Dean Walcott, in the future I think matters like this could best be solved if you yourself would practice a little...excessive happiness.
NC:(British accented) MOST UNORTHODOOOOOOOOX!!!
cut to graduation with crowd applauding
Man: YAAAY, PATCH!!
Walcott: Well, I'm happy to see you've finally decided to conform.
Patch: More than you know, sir.
Patch reveals he's naked under the graduation gown and moons the audience.
NC:(VO) Dr. Adams, everybody! He'll see you on your death bed, which remember, he doesn't see as a big deal!
Patch starts walking to towards the audience as the film ends
NC: People, this movie is disgusting.
NC:(VO) If you want to talk about the benefits of emotional interaction with your patients, fine. If you want to talk about new forms of practicing medicine and treating people, fine. But, DO IT AS A FUCKING ADULT! Not this childish, poorly written, nonfactual bullshit!
NC: You know what to do? You know what? Don't watch the fictional, bad Patch Adams! (spits on movie) Watch the real, factual Patch Adams.
scenes of real Patch Adams' speaking engagements
NC:(VO) I've looked him up. His work is fascinating, and it goes beyond simply jumping around like a jackass. He's a professional, he takes his patients seriously, he works with each one individually, every experience is different, and he WORKS HARD. And, wouldn't you know it, he didn't like this movie very much. He said it portrayed him as just a clown instead of a hard working doctor who DID practice medicine with a license, did NOT steal from a hospital, and had a MALE best friend who sadly lost his life and was not just a cheap romantic foil!
Real Patch Adams: When you've had a fairly simple film made of your life by a person a bit shorter than you, people still feel they have a sense that they know you.
NC: Look the guy up. Donate to his hospital if you want. Just don't believe anything in this SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK SHIT FUCK!
Bitch Spasms: Hoho! You conformist! Don't you know that the answer to anything is...(NC shoots him)
NC: Don't worry. He's not a re-ocurring character. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
NC shoots Bitch Spasms again on the way out, as Dr. BS lets out one final "HOHO!".
Ending tagline: Patch: What's wrong with death, sir?