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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(singing) Spoilers, spoilers, there's spoilers in this review!

There's this pirate named Jack Sparrow.

And even though he wears eyeliner, is drunk as hell, and you can't understand a word he's saying, he's the sexiest pirate ever!

And apparently no one can recognize him.

That is, he sneaks in as a judge in a courtroom, and everybody's like, "What is the verdict of the judge with the eyeliner, golden teeth, and incredible tan?"

(imitating Sparrow) "Not guilty."

(gasps)

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to talk through my teeth some more." (leaves)

But it turns out Jack Sparrow gets captured.

And he comes across Captain Mimosa!

And Jack Sparrow is like, "You know, we betrayed each other a million times in these movies."

"I know. I kinda forget. Are we good or evil?"

"Well, we are working for Disney."

"That'd be evil."

But Jack Sparrow escapes and goes looking for the Fountain of Youth.

But luckily he has the help of his father, Keith Richards!

(leans in and waves) "Hello, I'm Keith Richards. (pause) Bye." (leaves)

But then Jack finds out that somebody is posing as him.

So Jack goes to find out who's been posing as him, and it turns out it's his old girlfriend!

What a twist!

What a...totally non-making sense twist!

Really? Nobody could figure out that a woman isn't Jack Sparrow?

I thought people only fell for that in Monty Python movies! (Clip of Monty Python)

So Sparrow's girlfriend knocks him out and takes him aboard the boat of Blackbeard.

Blackbeard's big bad bitchin' boat! ...Barbecue.

And it turns out Blackbeard is played by that guy from Deadwood!

"Alright, you... (censored swearing; Chester staring mouth agape) FFF-- (censored swearing)!"

And it turns out Blackbeard has telepathic powers over his ship!

Why? (long pause)

(imitating Sparrow) "I'm Johnny Depp."

But it turns out Jack's girlfriend has a secret little secret.

"I'm Blackbeard's daughter!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"No!"

"No?"

"No!"

"No."

"Yes!"

(imitating Sparrow) "I'm Johnny Depp."

So it turns out Blackbeard is also looking for the Fountain of Youth so that he won't die.

"There be a f(censored)ing prophecy saying that I'm gonna die some day. So that's why me and my zombified crew are looking for the Fountain of Youth."

"Your zombified crew?"

"Yes."

"Why'd you turn 'em into zombies?"

"So they won't die."

"Well, why don't you turn yourself into a zombie?" (long pause)

(imitating Sparrow) "I'm Johnny Depp."

But it turns out the prophecy says the person's who's gonna him is Mimosa!

Because Blackbeard put his ship in a bottle!

I put a ship in a bottle once!

Actually, no, I didn't, but I can say toyboat three times fast!

Toyboat three times fast!

Hehe, just kidding. I really can, though.

Toyboat, toyboat, toyboat!

Try it! It's hard. It's like the only talent I have.

So it turns out, in order for the Fountain of Youth to work, they need the tear of a mermaid.

Oh, well that shouldn't be too hard. After all, mermaids are such soft, delicate creatures that always-- (lunges at screen baring teeth and roaring) Daaahhh!

Holy crap, these mermaids are like werewolves!

A weremaid!

A merwolf!

(singing) Just wait and see, one day I'll be eating your flesh! (bares teeth and roars; Chester screams)

But it turns out they do capture one of the mermaids.

And the only person who wants to be nice to her is the clergyman.

Yeah, there's a clergyman on Blackbeard's boat.

So, I guess if he says he's religious that makes all the evil things he does okay.

It's like the S.S. Fox News.

So the clergyman is really nice to her and even helps her walk on land. Wait a minute...

How can mermaids walk on land?!

Well, you see, all the mermaid has to do is step on land, and then all of a sudden she grows human legs. (long pause) I wonder if Ariel knew that.

"Hey, sorry little mermaid. It turns out you didn't have to give me your tongue after all." (muffled talking) "...You know you look like Sherri Stoner?"

So they finally get to the Fountain of Youth, but it turns out the Spaniards get there at the same time!

And they're like, "This place is an abomination to God! Tear it down!"

"Well, don't you want to try it to see if it works?"

"Are you telling me that our perception of God in the 17th century is not open or adaptive?"

"Yes."

"You're right!"

Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom!

But Jack Sparrow manages to get a little bit of the Fountain of Youth in these two cups.

One cup will give you eternal life. The false cup will take it from you.

That sounds familiar. Where have I heard that before?

Oh yeah. "Pokemon!"

So Blackbeard thinks he's saving himself to kill his daughter, when really he's killing himself to save his daughter.

"Haha! This will save me!" (drinks; "The Price is Right" fail music plays and he dies)

And Jack Sparrow's girlfriend is like, "He was a good man, even though he's killed hundreds of people and tried to kill his daughter as well."

"Bitch, you crazy. I'm gonna leave you on this island."

"What?! I thought you loved me!"

"I do, with all my heart."

"Then why are you leaving me here?!"

(long pause; simultaneously) "I'm Johnny Depp."

So after Mimosa kills Blackbeard, he takes charge of his boat.

Jack Sparrow gets the Black Pearl back.

The really nice mermaid drowns the clergyman. ...Thanks?

And the girlfriend is unjustifiably screwed.

(singing) Yo ho, yo ho, this story makes no sense!

HOORAY!

But, of course, this is all just build-up for "Pirates of the Caribbean 5: It's Under Two Hours."

Heh heh, I'm just kidding. It'll never be under two hours.

It's a "Lawrence of Arabia" of Johnny Depp-not-making-sense movies.

Right after "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, I'll teach ya how to say toyboat three times fast! The trick is to not say it wrong.

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