Planet of the Apes
July 7, 2015
(We start off today's episode with several YouTube comments coming from different characters Doug has played mimicking the opening of Honest Trailers)
Nun Your Damn Bizness: Do something like Honest trailers, you ape!
Tommy: Oh, hi, Honest trailers Parody!
Dom: Do a satire of HT.
Oh My Zod: Honest Trailer, NOW!
ATG: I'm dead, and even I know you should do something like HT.
C.A.B.: CHANGE!?! Oh, and an Honest Trailer.
(We get a trailer splash screen with this caption)
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUTHFUL PREVIEW
Special Thanks To ScreenJunkies for Letting Us Lovingly Rip Them Off.
(The rest of this segment is narrated by Jon Bailey, along with clips of previous NC episodes)
From the company who can milk a cash cow almost as well as Disney comes the internet sensation that has people all over the world staring at their computer screens saying... "Jeez, you can get paid for doing this?" Nostalgia Critic.
Behold a comedian with a screechy high pitched voice like (picture of) Sam Kinnison, only you wished this one died instead of him, getting recognition for doing what no person online has ever done like: Scream loudly...
Get facts wrong.
Forced, painful memes.
And act like his opinion is the only one that matters. Seriously, do you guys even read YouTube comments? Watch this entitled nitpicking crybaby give birth to a million other entitled nitpicking crybabies, each one more desperate to ride his coattails to internet fame and glory. Kinda like what he did originally.
(Cut to scene of the Angry Video Game Nerd and NC yelling at each other)
Question how this whiny little tool actually got so much attention that Hollywood constantly tries to take him down for critiquing their worst piece of shit material. Yeah, taking down a review of Cat in the Hat isn't gonna change anyone's opinion on it, guys.
Endure a man with so little talent that you'll be asking yourself (Greg Sestero) how he keeps getting celebrities you didn't (How It Should Have Ended) know you wanted to meet. (Clip of Dante Basco) Holy shit, is that Rufio? He looks amazing. (Clip of Pinky & The Brain) Oh, look, it's Pinky & The Brain swearing at each other! How the hell did he get that--(Suddenly a YouTube block is put on saying "This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by the people you now hate. Sorry about that.") Aww, come on!
Sit back and enjoy an overly unqualified twit rip apart terrible movies and shows...(Posters of Kickassia, To Boldly Flee and Demo Reel) even though he's made terrible movies and shows. Witness him clarify when an obviously bad film is obviously bad. Debate the ongoing question raised with every episode: What really counts as nostalgic? (Clips from Jurassic World) I mean, Jurassic World? Really? That's still in theaters, dude. And see a man do what you know you should be getting paid to do...but he just got to it a little faster than you did. Nanynanynany!
The Black Guy (Malcolm Ray), The Short Chick (Tamara Chambers), Rachel
Tietz Beeewbs (Rachel Tietz), Blasphemy (Santa Christ), That Guy Who's Probably Funnier Than Everybody (Jim Jarosz), Memes (M. Bison), Way Too Many Favors (AVGN), and...(to the theme of Doug) Dooo-Doo-Dooo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Dooo-Doo-Dooo-Doo-Doo. (NC hears that theme and screams, shooting the screen)
White Privilege: The Job
If you're gonna download this, you better make it quick cause you never know when--(And it gets taken down by YouTube again) Oh, fuck you, guys!
(And we finally come to the opening!)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it--(Suddenly the roof collapses on NC) Can I go one day without an explosion?
(He heads out of the building and finds there's a shuttle crashed into the building)
NC: Okay, that's a thing.
(As he heads back inside, the door to his office closes. He puts his ear to the door and hears some clicking before opening it)
NC: Alright, hold it right there... (the room is empty) chair. What?
(He turns around and gets smacked with a baseball bat, sending him frolicking in a field of flowers as doves fly behind him. He wakes up and finds an astronaut (Tamara) pointing a ray gun at him)
Tamara: Alright, buddy! What parallel universe is this?
NC: What? (He picks himself up off the floor)
Tamara: I've been in hypersleep for the past fifteen years and I wake up to this upside-down, topsy-turvy world!
NC: What are you talking about?
Tamara: I went online to research the media of the last fifteen years and I saw Robocop, Poltergeist, Willy Wonka and The Day The Earth Stood Still.
NC: Yeah, those are reboots.
Tamara: Like a remake?
NC: Kinda, except calling it a reboot gives it an excuse to suck.
Tamara: Why would you wanna remake something that's already perfect? It's like remaking Planet of the Apes.
NC: Oh, that one was so good, we remade it twice!
NC: Yeah. You can thank Tim Burton for that one.
Tamara: Tim Burton? That groundbreaking visionary of original content?
NC: Yeah, you're gonna want to sit down.
(A poster of The Fly appears)
NC (vo): Remakes have been commonplace for years, (King Kong 1976) people forget that when it was of an iconic film that everybody loved, (Psycho 1998) it was not only seen as bad taste to do a remake of it, (Village of the Damned 1995) but also not profitable. However, that was all changed when (Footage of) Tim Burton started coining the phrase "reimagining." (Batman Begins) Suddenly, the film wasn't seen as trying to make something good even better, (Casino Royale) but rather show a different interpretation from a likable artist.
NC: This is what made us all fall for something as obviously stupid of the "reimagining" of Planet of the Apes.
(Clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): I know what you're thinking. Seriously? You guys couldn't tell back then that this was going to be really, really, really fucking bad?
NC: You weren't there, man! You weren't there for the incredible advertisement that tricked the dumb out of us!
NC (vo): Everywhere the stars and the director went, they all said the same thing: "It's not a remake, it's a reimagining." "Reimagining. I just wanted to do an action film and Planet of the Apes seemed like a cool environment to do it in." And judging from the trailer, it kinda looked like it would work. Okay, this wasn't thought-provoking commentary, but it was a war, a war to take back the planet from those damn dirty apes. And to tell you the truth, it looked kind of awesome. (A clip of the trailer plays) This led to a big box office opening and an even bigger response of people saying...
NC: "Son of a bitch, they got us again! When will we wake up?"
NC (vo): Well, no time soon, as even today, (Posters of Poltergeist 2015, Total Recall 2012, Pink Panther 2 and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010) shitty reboots are just as popular as ever.
NC: Was it really worth it? Well, let's find out with Tim Burton's "reimagining" of--
Tamara: *AHEM!* (Tamara is still pointing her gun at him) You just, like, left in the middle of the conversation. I shot your leg like four times.
(NC looks down and smoke is coming out from below)
NC: Oh, that's why I'm smoking. Hey, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yep? (Tamara points her gun at him) Whoa!
NC: Show Kimmy Schmidt here around and convince her this isn't a parallel universe. And get Tamara, too. Where the hell is she? (Tamara just shrugs) Oh, yeah, well, I'm sure you can improvise.
Malcolm: Oh, boy, this means I get to introduce you to Key & Peele for the first time!
Tamara: I only really like comedy about football players' names.
NC: This is Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes.
The film now begins.
NC (vo): The film opens up with...
A monkey is on a space flight simulator.
NC: Boy, I thought the effects will be a little better than this.
NC (vo): Actually, it's a test pilot monkey trained by Mark Wahlberg (Captain Leo Davidson), who spends most of his time with the space chimps, and listening to painful character exposition about himself.
A video postcard is shown featuring his two friends getting engaged.
Black Guy: When are you gonna make that kind of commitment?
NC: Ugh, Frank, I told you, I'll marry you when I get back home! It's legal now!
NC (vo): But they come across the most dangerous thing in any sci-fi movie, Space stuff! Yeah, you know, space stuff! Nobody knows what it is, but as long as you say some techno babble with the words "electromagnetic" thrown in, it suddenly can do anything!
Specialist Hansen: Take initial radiation gamma ray readings, electromagnetic storm.
NC: Bingo! Now a city of apes can happen!
NC (vo): But when a monkey gets sucked in and they're about to abort, Wahlberg (Davidson) grabs his own space sperm, endangering everybody on board, to save him.
NC: So, just to keep in mind, everything that's about to happen in this movie all happened because of Wahlberg's monkey love. That'll have two more meanings as the film goes on, but we'll get to that.
NC (vo): The blah, blah electromagnetic blah, blah, blah, knocks Wahlberg on his ass, causing him to crash onto an unknown planet.
Davidson's ship crashes onto a swamp.
NC (as Luke Skywalker): Oh, R2, how are we gonna get out of this mess?
NC (vo): But, of course, he comes across a horrible discovery!
A group of apes ambush on the humans.
Koopa (from the “Super Mario Bros.” movie): Monkey!
The apes continue to attack onto the humans, kidnapping them. One ape even swings on a vine.
NC (vo, as an ape):(in tune to the Tarzan yell) I-IRON-NININIIC!!!
General Thade (Played by Tim Roth) jumps and yells, attacking Davidson.
NC (vo): He's attacked by Cirque du Sol-ape, just in time to witness the first of SO many bad in-jokes.
Colonel Attar (Played by the late Michael Clarke Duncan): Take your stinkin' hands off me, YOU DAMN, DIRTY HUMAN!!!
Audience: (groans in disgust)
NC: I know, I know, we're refunding your money now.
NC (vo): So the first thing you might notice is that the makeup in this movie is actually pretty spectacular. I mean, this film is over 14 years old, and they look even more convincing than the (shows pictures of...) newer Planet of the Apes movies. It's actually one of the few things that the remake did better than the original. The one downside, though, is that the makeup clearly must have cost a lot of money, as they clearly didn't have enough to pay the actors to come back and re-dub their lines. It sounds like they say everything with a mouthful of gorilla dung.
Attar: We think you should see it.
Limbo: Put up with your nonsense!
Senator Sandar: You like to freshen up?
Ari: They're not done.
Limbo: That would be expensive.
Senator Nado: Exactly.
Nova: ...Simply sterilize them all?
Thade: I have no patience for this side... (I have no idea what he said there.)
NC: Jesus! Did these people get speaking lessons from (shows a picture of...) Biggus Dickus?
Attar: The senator's daughter flirts with blasphemy.
NC (as Attar): Let me come with you, Pontius, I may be of service if there is a sudden crisis! (Again, I don't know what he said.)
NC (vo): It also doesn't help that they forgot to put Paul Giamatti in his ape makeup- Oh, wait, um, never mind.
Limbo: Get em' out, and get em' clean!
NC (vo, as Limbo): Split them up into which group of metaphors we want to assign each of them! You! You're a pet metaphor! You! You're a slave metaphor! You! You're a lower poverty metaphor!
NC (vo, normal voice): Yeah, it's kinda hard to figure out how even the commentary is supposed to work. (Shows pictures of...) In the original, it's just switched around. Apes are smart and humans are dumb. It's easy to comprehend. (back to the movie) But in this one, sometimes they speak, sometimes they don't, sometimes apes are shocked by their intelligence, but other times, it seems commonplace, sometimes they're pets, but other times, they're servants WITH other apes! They're trying to throw in SO MUCH obvious commentary that it's not making any sense in the realm of its own world!
NC: I mean, what's the last time you saw a movie about slavery where the slave owner is like, (as a slave owner) "Oh, yes, oh, go and make dinner after I figure out whether or not you can speak English, and, uh, then maybe we'll play fetch for a half hour!"
Malcolm looks at The Critic, not very impressed on what he said about slavery. The Critic touches Malcolm's nose.
Then Malcolm punches The Critic in the face.
NC (vo): So Walhberg, along with the other humans, are put in cages, captured by the apes.
Limbo: How many times I have to tell you? Wear your gloves when you handle humans!
NC (as Limbo): Especially when you're touching Kris Kristofferson!
Limbo: But, uh, unfortunately, they're worth more intact.
Attar: Keep your eye on this one. (Gestures to Leo) He's feisty!
NC (vo): Yes, he looked at you with pure fear and put up no fight in being captured.
NC: Did the definition of "feisty" change in this world?
Enter General Thade, the villain of the movie.
NC (vo): This leads to our most darling character in the entire film: Thade, played by Tim Roth.
Thade: (various scenes) I apologize for my lateness, senator. / They'll beat their chests, and ask for my help! / Your family above all have been compassionate. / We are not just soldiers, we are friends.
NC: Oh, how do I describe him? Imagine Chris Lambert and Clint Eastwood fucked a monkey. And that monkey got a kidney stone while also being constipated at the same time.
Thade: Give me absolute power...
NC (vo): THEN...
NC: Wait, wait, I'm not finished. THEN somebody took sandpaper, rubbed it all over his face, balls, and vocal cords, and the only way he can feel better is by constantly trying to bite his upper lip!
Thade: Warn the outposts. Don't-
NC: WHILE doing a Kirk Douglas impression upside down, covered in pubic hair. (Beat) Tim Roth!
NC (vo): There are no words to describe how amazingly over-the-top he is. He's a human-hating general who's really given no reason for his prejudice but, by God, it makes up like 80% of his dialogues.
Thade: You took in stray humans.../The human problem cannot be solved.../The human rights faction..../...the humans once and for all./The humans infest the provinces./...the human culture takes place below the waist!
NC (vo, as Pee-Wee Herman while a picture of him is shown): Well, if you hate 'em so much, why don't you marry 'em? Ha-ha!
NC (vo): Even in scenes where you have no idea what's going on, he's a riot. Like, look at this scene where he promises to get his niece a pet.
Limbo and Ari are chattering indistinctly until Thade growls at them both, scaring Ari off and smelling Limbo's ear. Limbo chatters in fear and mumbles something indistinct, making NC confused.
NC: What the hell just happened there??
NC (vo): Is he so intimidating that he's butt-fucking his mind? Is he tickling behind his ear which happens to be Giamatti's G-spot? I still to this day have no clue what's going on!
Thade smells Limbo's face some more.
NC (vo): But thankfully, this distracted from the rest of the weird that was going on. Thank you, Tim Roth. You phased out one uncomfortable invasion of personal space with another uncomfortable invasion of personal space.
NC: You'll find he's quite good at that.
NC (vo): But an ape named Ari, played by future Tim Burton trope Helena Bonham Carter, breaks in to fight for human rights.
Ari: I can't stand by while humans are being mistreated, tortured, and mutilated./Hey--you want me to stop, give up your bloody business.
NC: Why does her acting sound like William Shatner if it was dubbed by a Martial Arts movie?
Ari: They can be taught to live with us as equals./Because our cities encroach upon the habitat./The Army burns the bodies before they're examined.
NC (vo, as Shatner?): Spock, don't make me Kung-Fu this garment.
Ari: Sell him to me.
Limbo: He's wild; they're both wild.
Ari: Then I'll buy them both.
NC (vo): Thus Ari lives out every woman's dream of buying Mark Wahlberg as we partake in this movie's favorite pastime: awkward line holding. What do I mean by that?
NC: Well, in most movies, they'll usually leave a pause after a really good line because, hey, it's a really good line; you should let it sink in. But here, they just kind of hold after any random line.
Sandar: And wash your hands before dinner! (Weird Pause)
Thade: Do you have a towel? (Weird Pause)
Ari: In the time before time... (Weird Pause)
Krull: We should move quickly. (Weird Pause)
NC (vo): These are NOT GOOD LINES! Holding on them only makes us focus on how poorly written they are! But--are you posing for the laugh track that's supposed to go over them?
Thade: Do you have a towel?
Audience laughter and applause is added before a photoshopped graphic of Thade in a tuxedo is shown. A parody title, "That's Tho Thade" is also seen.
NC (vo, as TV announcer): That's Tho Thade will be right back.
NC (vo): So, Wahlberg picks his way out of the easiest prison to break out of ever, while helping the other humans break out of the even easier prisons to break out of ever. Gee, it's a shame these things haven't created steel--(green arrows point to some steel?) Oh, fucking wait! They then somehow find the house that's holding the kid that was sold as a pet!
Nova, played by Lisa Marie, is seen doing a seductive dance in front of a male ape.
NC (vo, as Tommy Wiseau): Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.
Nova is then on the bed, loudly screaming and flailing her arms around in pleasure in front of that male ape. This scene makes NC so uncomfortable and scared as it continues.
NC: (shaking his head) Something interrupt this!
NC (vo): Oh, thank monkey Jesus!
Leo and the Humans are seen running across the room while Nova and the male ape leap to a chandelier and just hang there.
NC (vo): Oh, my God, it's those things we were totally okay serving us just a moment ago!
Ari: You're lucky I found you before they did. We're surrounded.
NC (vo): Ari also finds herself getting wrapped up in the escape.
Leo: Why did you help me?
Ari: You were... not usual.
NC (vo): What is so unusual about him? Why is everybody like, "Watch him; he's feisty," "Oh, you're so unusual; you're so unique"?
NC: I mean, we know he's different because we're the audience, but to everyone else, he does nothing different! Hell, if anything, he does less than everybody else!
NC (vo): So why does he get all this attention?
Ari: This one seems different.
NC (as Ari): You have this main character feel that we want to emphasize as interesting because we forgot to write you interesting.
Ari: When I was little, I used to sneak outside the city.../I can show you the way.
NC (vo): But Thade eventually finds out about their escape.
Attar: She's helping them. I saw her myself.
Thade puts a hand on Attar's chest while breathing and looking away from him.
NC (vo, as Attar): Please stop touching me there.
Thade: She had no choice.
NC (vo, as Attar): Please.
Thade: They threatened her life.
NC (vo, as Attar): You're, like, 20 sexual harassment suits waiting to happen.
Thade: I'll report the message to the Senate myself.
A piece of wood is seen being broken through by the Humans.
NC (vo): Well, that's about the most obviously labeled secret passage imaginable. Why don't you just tell Bruce Wayne to hang up this sign? (Batman's house is seen, with a green sign reading "Not Batman's House")
One of the humans get jumped by Limbo.
NC (vo): Giamatti and his goons follow them, but Wahlberg scares them away with his weapons.
Limbo: I'm probably just in the way right now, so why don't I just get going?
Daena: He'll lead them to us.
NC (vo): Unlike the two we clearly saw escape not two seconds ago... but, hey, we're looking to embarrass a credible good actor. Hell, I think that's the whole purpose of this movie's existence!
Ari: What is that?
Leo: A messenger. (He is seen operating it)
Ari: It talks?
Leo: It's not sorcery; it's science.
NC (vo): Ah, yes, science. Something foreign to this world that yet somehow has an understanding of what planets are.
Thade: Give me absolute power to rid this planet of the humans once and for all.
NC (as Thade): Just don't use steel on our prison bars; we're kind of random with our science.
NC (vo): But Thade is told that his father, played by Charlton Heston, is literally on his deathbed.
Zaius: I don't have much time.
NC (vo, as Zaius): My career will be dead soon.
Zaius: (points Thade to a vase) Break it.
Thade does just that, breaking the vase to find a gun revealed within the sand.
NC (vo): Yeah, I just kinda figured Heston always had a gun hidden somewhere.
Zaius: This has the power of a thousand spears. I warn you; their ingenuity goes hand in hand with their cruelty.
NC (vo): Wow. As an NRA spokesman, I think this speech is literally killing him.
Zaius: Damn them...
Thade: I will stop them, father.
Zaius: Damn them... Damn them all to Hell!
He then dies, laying lifeless on the bed
NC (vo): Really, movie? You couldn't even do a serious death scene without a little "tee-hee, ha-ha" in there?
NC: First of all, you did this kind of joke already...
Attar: YOU DAMN DIRTY HUMAN!!!
NC: ...and over the mountains of laughter that your denial created, it didn't go over very well. Second...
NC (vo): ...you ruin what's supposed to be a sad moment with a dumb joke. I mean, are you supposed to feel bad or snicker at this scene? I don't think that invisible laugh track we were talking about earlier would react very well here.
Zaius: Damn them all to Hell!
Audience laughter is heard, then later turns to disgusted groans as Zaius dies.
NC: I think the writer needs more Prozac.
(The following is a parody of a political campaign commercial, with a narration by Malcolm Ray. First, we see the pictures of Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie)
Narrator: In a time of uncertainty, only one candidate has all the answers.
Tamara: I want a politician I know I can trust.
Malcolm: Somebody who speaks the truth, and tells it like it is.
Barney Walker: Somebody who won't like and manipulate me for their own gain.
(The Seal of the President of the United States is shown)
Narrator: Your honest presidential candidate is here, with General Thade.
(Thade comes into the scene. He's played by Doug)
Thade: Most people say I look like a trustworthy guy. Someone I can get a beer with. A beer without the blood of stinky humans-- I mean, hops! Lots of hops. (screeches)
(Thade is Photoshopped with Vladimir Putin)
Thade: It's clear the Republi-crats are trying to take away your freedoms. Your freedoms to submit to me! Well, it's like my father used to say... (screeches like a monkey again) It's what he said before he ate my children!
(Thade kisses a mother's (Tamara) baby in a swaddling band. Then he throws the baby to a mother. A man, played by Malcolm, comes in)
Narrator: Thade knows how to keep communication open, listening to all the concerns of every voter he encounters.
Thade: Most people say that I'm socially awkward because I invade their personal space.
(He comes closer to the man, making him feel uncomfortable)
Thade: But they're just not good friends like my pal, Jesse! I know we are friends because I have verbally clarified that we are friends. We are friends, right?! (shakes Jesse)
Jesse: (nervous) Yes, we're friends!
Thade: We are friends. He doesn't mind giving up his humanity for a life of obedience.
Narrator: Thade has the answers you all have questions to.
Victoria L. Tobin: (speaks sensually) I'd like someone rugged and wild for my President.
Thade: But a good leader is only as good as his second-in-command. And I need someone who clearly understands human beings. That's why I have chosen a valuable Vice President.
Terl: That's right, stupid humans! You can completely trust that I and this literal man-animal have your best interests in mind.
Thade: Whether it's domination...
Terl: Or gold...
Thade: Or... whatever else there is, you can rest assured that we will always be there for you!
Terl: Because if a tyrranical overlord is going to rule you anyway, it might as well be from the party you don't know!
Thade: Vote Thade and Terl, because... Honestly, we're kinda surprised we've got this far. (starts rubbing Terl)
Terl: Stop touching me there.
Terl: I insist.
Thade: Shut up.
(Thade and Terl walk into the sunset)
Narrator: Thade and Terl. Paid for by the Kinetic Need of Enforcing Effective Laws.
(K.N.E.E.L.'s logo with General Zod on it is shown. Fade to black)
We come back from commercial break.
NC (vo): So they come across the forbidden area that's supposed to keep humans out with scarecrows. As you can see, they're clearly doing a bang-up job.
NC: (about to lose it...) This world makes no sense—! (...but then calms down) Anyway...
NC (vo): They come across a camp where the Apes are waiting, so they try to cross the lake.
Leo: All right, just grab the reins with one hand and hold on to this one as tight as you can with the other.
NC (vo): Wow. Great horseback riding lesson there, Mark. That's right up there with the Surf Ninjas method of teaching surfing.
NC: (as Johnny) Bend your knees! Move your arms!
One of the apes sees the humans coming at him and is knocked down.
NC (vo): (snickers) Nothing but the apes' finest here. (as one of the apes) Duhhh— (gets knocked down) Oh, pain bad!
The apes at the camp are seen yelling while the humans emerge from the lake.
NC (vo): They make it across, leaving Attar, played by Michael Clarke Duncan, to relay the bad news.
Attar: They were carried by horses. Our horses, sir.
Thade then loses it, screaming and leaping everywhere.
NC (vo, as Attar): Um...what is happening right now? (Thade continues freaking out) This isn't ape acting, folks; I think Tim Roth just realized his role in Four Rooms is no longer his most embarrassing role.
Thade, still freaking out, is seen landing on a horse.
Thade: Forgive me, my friend. I'm not angry with you.
NC (vo, as Attar): Is that what that was? Anger? I thought you had lice in your crotch or something.
Attar: FORM DIVISIONS!
The apes are seen forming divisions.
Attar: SOUND THE CALL TO MARCH! (roars while his mouth elongates)
NC: Rev up your computer-generated mouths! (roars like Attar with his mouth elongating)
The apes are seen marching; at one point, a Confederate flag (not actually part of the movie but added for the review) is seen on one of the flagpoles.
NC (vo): So, while all the monkeys march, the humans clearly mope.
Ari: I'd like to see the world.
Leo: They'd probably prod you and poke you and throw you in a cage, too.
Ari: You'd protect me.
NC (vo): You know, this scenario is strange enough already; I don't think this edition of "spanking the monkey" is absolutely essential. Oh, and look: you made googly-face sad. Seriously, what reaction is that even supposed to be?
Daena is seen looking on with a confused face before we cut to NC who imitates it.
NC (vo): So they find Mark Wahlberg's ship, known to the apes as the secret holy land of Calima—try the human hearts, I hear they're delicious (shows picture at top-left corner of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)—but it appears to be a little dated.
Ari: But these ruins are thousand of years old.
Leo: Oh, I was just here a few days ago.
Leo discovers a wall reading "Calima," before brushing off the dust to reveal "Caution: Live Animals."
NC (vo): Of course! Like most religions, this one started because the founders didn't know how to brush dust away!
Leo: Ship has a nuclear power source; it's supposed to last forever.
NC (vo): Oh, good, and the wires are nuclear, too? The knobs? All the connecting lines lasted thousands and thousands of years? Beautiful! You should open a Wahlburgers here! But word spreads through the villages, pretty fucking fast when you think about it, as many more people want to join Wahlberg.
Tival: Your story's spreading through the villages. They all want to see this human who defies the apes.
NC (vo): Yes; and as we've clearly seen before, nobody has ever stood up to the apes...
NC: ...but he just did it in such a disinterested way!
NC (vo): We then see Ari meets up with Thade to try and trade herself for the human survival.
Ari: Forgive me.
Thade is seen chattering his teeth.
NC (vo): Oh, boy.
Thade then smells Ari's hand.
NC: (snickers) You know, Thade? There's only so many Facebook profile pictures I can switch out of you in your hilarious faces. (A Facebook photo page, featuring Thade's many faces, is shown) My Anger picture from Inside Out would like a turn. (shows picture at top-right corner of Anger from Inside Out)
NC (vo): But he gives her a pretty definite "no" and returns her back to the humans. This leads to our big battle the next morning as...
Birn: I can do this just as well as—
Leo: I know you can. I need you back there with them, okay?
NC (vo): Um—fucking gee, I wonder what's going to happen.
Birn: Let me go with them.
Birn: Let me prove I can help!
Leo: No, I need you here with me. (?)
NC (vo): (gasps) Really? You need him to repeat that? You really think we'd miss the incredibly subtle foreshadowing of what's about to occur? (Birn is shown joining the leaders of the human army) Why, dumbass kid, what are you doing here?!
Birn: I'm part of this!
Daena: Get back!
Birn: No! I'm staying!
NC (as Birn): I signed up to be the idiot pawn in this stinker and I'm gonna live up to my uselessness!
The apes begin charging at the humans who then come charging for them on horses. Birn and his horse, however, fail at turning around and they both fall.
NC (vo): Oh, my God, he fell... I mean, what?! WHAT?! I really thought he was going to be an important and useful character! I'm sure glad they didn't make him the (shows at top-left corner a picture of...) Scrappy-Doo of shit-eating tools! Of course, Wahlberg goes to save him and gets back to the ship, using the last of the nuclear power to blow them sky high.
A giant explosion blows the apes sky high, before they are all seen lying on the ground.
NC (vo): All right, kids! Start rippin' some hands off and make some wishes.
One of the apes is seen moving and waking up from the blast.
NC (vo): They... apparently survive that—their armor must be made of a million point million sunblock—but Thade decides he's tired of this human.
Thade: I'm tired of this human! (screams)
NC (as Thade): I summon the battle cry of my testicles being tightened!
Thade's scream is seen and heard again before the battle continues.
NC (vo): They partake in a fight with more strings being pulled than government. Thade even tries to kill Wahlberg via facial, but suddenly, a ship is seen falling from the sky.
Cut to somebody in a space suit, who reveals himself to be Semos (or Pericles, Wahlberg's "test pilot" from the beginning of the film?).
Attar: Semos. (all the apes kneel to Semos/Pericles)
NC (vo): And now, we all know the origins of Lancelot Link.
Attar: Sir, the Prophecy is true. Semos has returned to us.
NC (vo): But even though he seems to get along with Wahlberg and the apes mistake him for the savior, they still just let him fall under attack and apparently not do anything.
Thade chases after Leo and tackles him before they fall down a tunnel leading to Calima.
NC (vo, as one of the apes): Have fun, Thade! We'll just stay out here and pick ticks out of our asses! Play nice with God!
The fight between Thade and Leo continues; Semos/Pericles tries to intervene but gets knocked aside by Thade.
NC (vo, as Thade): Piss off, Messiah! Unless you know how to get my whole character in an Avengers movie, I'm not interested!
Leo, now at the other side, closes the door before Thade fires a bullet at him which ricochets off the door.
NC (vo): But at least one person comes in to apparently discover the truth.
Leo: (Speaks to Attar) This is where you're from. We brought you here. It's the truth; we lived in peace together.
NC: Well, outside of exploiting and even killing you for space programs, but outside from that, a very imprisoned peace.
Thade: HE'S LYING! Help me, my friend!
NC (vo, as Thade): Come on! Don't make me act more like a Care Bears villain than I already am!
Attar: Everything I have believed is a lie. You and your family have BETRAYED US!
NC (vo; as Attar): This human I was going to kill a second ago, I now completely abandon my religion for! Long live (shows at top-left corner a picture of...) the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
A defeated Thade is seen, sitting alone.
NC (vo): Thade is imprisoned as Wahlberg finds the location of the storm and hopes to get home through it...after just a little bit more awkwardness.
Leo: I have to leave now.
Ari: You know, one day they'll tell a story about a human who came from the stars.
Leo and Ari kiss.
NC: That was pretty fucking gross. You couldn't quite sell us on the beastiality thing there, Burton; that was, uh, pretty uncomfortable.
NC (vo): To be fair, though, I do believe the kiss between the monkey and the human more than I believe the kiss between the human and the human!
Daena: Maybe you'll come back. (She then kisses Leo.)
NC (vo): (as Leo) Whoa, wait—do we have a thing? That went completely over my head! (as Daena) I guess I love you or whatever; bye. (as Leo) Well, I'm sorry; I dig monkeys! Now if you'll excuse me, there's an orangutan with lipstick on her ass that's waiting for me to come home! CLYYYYDE!
Leo's ship lifts off, leaving the ape planet before going through the storm and landing at the Lincoln Memorial.
NC (vo): He goes through the storm and crash lands back home... (As Leo) No, I'm alright; really, it loosened up my muscles. (Normal) ...where we get a twist just as massive, just as shattering, and just as disturbing as the original Planet of the Apes!
Leo looks up, seeing a statue of Abraham Lincoln but with General Thade's head on it.
NC: OH, MY—come again?
Leo looks around to see that all the policemen, firemen, and even a photographer are all apes. Believe it or not, that's where the movie ends. This leaves NC shocked at it that he begins raising his hand as if he's getting someone's attention (later to be revealed as the 2001 movie's promotional poster).
NC: Uh—Movie? Mo–movie, hello? Movie? (bangs on desk) Movie? Movie? Movie?
Movie poster (voiced by NC): Yes, you?
NC: How the fuck did that happen?
NC (vo): Not only do we have no idea how Thade could've done this as there's no other ships, but the timelines suggest you can't really alter the present, just help it become what it already is. But, even taking THAT out of the equation, what are the chances that Thade taking over the Earth results in the EXACT SAME OUTCOME as OUR SOCIETY!?
NC: I mean, LOOK AT THE MONUMENT! It's not even a little to the left!
NC (vo): It's in the exact same location as everything else is in our world! And the police uniforms and the cars and the buildings! Was this part of Thade's plan, like, before he died years and years ago, he was telling some architects...
NC (as Thade): You know, I have some plans. (takes out a piece of paper and opens it up) Just some architectural designs that maybe you could put in place in the future 'cause, uh, I kinda came from a world ruled by humans. It's a long story, but I saw this world and...they were good designs; they were just really good designs, strong stuff, and if you could just duplicate that as best as possible, gah... Try to get it down, guys, like, really to the letter, because if one of us humans from that society was to crash-land here and be like, "Oh, my God, I'm home," and they see, like, my face on the Lincoln Memorial—you don't know who Lincoln is; he's a guy, but—he would see it and just be like, "Oh, my God, oh, you damn dirty apes!" and just...his mind would be blown. So, if you could just really get that as close as humanly possible, I'd be very appreciative. So, uh, good luck with that and, um... (taps chest and gives peace sign) Fade out! (falls dead with mouth open in his chair as a high-pitched flatline beep is heard)
NC (vo): So, yeah, all of humanity has been taken over by monkeys, the human race is practically extinct, all because of—why again?—monkey love. (a heart with a monkey's face is seen)
NC: So if there's anything that this film is clearly trying to get across... (An image of a monkey and a man is shown, with a heart crossed out with an X shown in the middle.) Don't do it. (beat) That's the only thing I got out of this film.
Clips from the movie play as NC offers his closing summary.
NC (vo): It looks nice. I mean, the makeup is amazing and the attention to detail on how they move and so forth is really something to admire. But even as dumb action movies go—I mean, really just bare-boned cool stuff—it's still just awkward. Everyone acts a little too weird to be invested and the main characters are sticks in the mud, so you don't really care if they win or not. Sometimes, you get a good character actor giving a good performance, but even they can't fight against faulty sci-fi and forced commentary that we already know is gonna be done, well, better in the original. Thankfully, we see some other good films from Burton, because this one was definitely a bad monkey to sit through.
NC: And like I said, this isn't the first film to start the big reboot craze, but is the first one to show it could be popular and make a lot of money, and also show very clearly that idiots like us will be duped into anything.
(Astronaut Tamara returns, carrying licensed paraphernalia)
Tamara: Okay, I've come to terms with the fact that this world has COMPLETELY run out of original ideas.
NC: The faster you learn that, the better.
Tamara: BUT, that also means that I can see one of my favorite childhood cartoons up on the big screen again, IN ALL ITS GLORY!
(Tamara prepares to head out as Malcolm grimaces.)
NC: Um, I wouldn't go looking for that. You may not like what you find...
(But Tamara scoffs.)
Tamara: Thanks for Key and Peele.
Malcolm: Hey, EVERYONE should see the Substitute Teacher.
(Tamara leaves, as the mood suddenly turns ominous.)
Malcolm: Critic. What will she find?
(Critic looks at the camera and simply says...)
NC: HER DESTINY.
(Tamara runs up to the camera, then stops in shocked horror.)
Tamara: No... NO!
(She falls to her knees...)
Tamara: We finally really did it... YOU MANIACS!! YOU FUCKED IT UP!! AAAAH! DAMN YOU!!
(We then see what she's cursing... a poster for the 2015 adaptation of Jem and the Holograms)
Tamara: DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!
(And, of course, who should come up but Terl.)
Terl: OH, MY GOD! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS MOVIE! HIGH FIVE!
(He holds up his hand... but no response. So Terl just taps her head. The credits roll over Thade and Terl doing a crazy dance to the Nostalgia Critic theme)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Thade: Do you have a towel?