So, I'm sitting there, tending bar, when in walks someone you don't hear that much about: Princess Daisy.
Now, I guess you do SEE her a lot, there's no doubt about that. But, nobody really knows that much about her. She's the spittin' image of Princess Peach, but nobody knows. Are they good friends? Is she her sister? ...Is she some sort of weird stalker? I mean, nobody knows!
So, she sits down at the bar, I make her a drink, and I say, "Oy, Mrs. D. How's it going?"
She says, "Alright. Can't complain. Just got done doing some Go Kartz. Always a good time."
She says, "You know, it's very hard to go kart in a dress, I don't know how many people know that."
And I said, "Well, I can imagine."
I just say very candidly to her, I say, "So, how's Peach?"
And she says, "Alright."
And I ask, very candidly, "Uhm... What IS she to you, exactly? I mean, are you her friend? Are you her sister?"
And she says, "Clone."
I say, "Oh! Okay... What?"
"Oh, yeah. I'm a clone. Her idea, actually, Princess Peach's. I'm actually one of MANY clones. You remember Pauline from Donkey Kong? Yeah, that was just a test run. You don't see her around that much anymore, do you?"
And I said, "What happened to her?"
And she said, "Well, they gotta feed the goombas and koopas something, don't they?"
And I say, "Jesus! You mean the killed her?!"
And she said, "Yeah, but she was a bimbo anyway, it didn't matter. The important thing is what happened with me. You see, I was her decoy for a while. She wanted a little bit of extra security, so I used to be her double. You know, I'd go in, wear the pink dress and everything. But, after a while, people started to catch on. So, they gave me a yellow dress, gave me my own kingdom, and I'm sorta there for backup."
I say, "Backup? For what?"
She says, "Well, Peach is very protective of her kingdom, so in case anything was to happen to it, she has this OTHER kingdom on standby just in case. But, she doesn't want anybody to think it's like a superpower or anything, so she made up this story about this alien kidnapping me, and, you know, Mario had to save me again. You know, all that good stuff."
I said, "...Your kingdom's a superpower?"
And she said, "Oh, yeah! So's the Mushroom Kingdom! Unbelievable power. The weapons they have? Indescribable."
And I say, "Wait a minute. She's getting kidnapped like every other minute!"
And she says, "No, no. It's all for show. You see, every time she gets kidnapped, they have to up security every single time. So, really, they're one of the most unstoppable nations in the world!"
She said, "Really, what grown woman in ROYALTY would get kidnapped that many times? You think a plumber in overalls is saving her all the time?"
I said, "He isn't?"
She says, "No, no, no. They just put on a little show, try to act like he's all mighty, and, you know, she gets in the cage, she 'bakes him a cake,' all that mushy stuff. But, honestly, the Mushroom Kingdom is one of the most powerful forces in the world."
And I said, "Wait a minute. You're telling me that airhead in the pink dress is actually some sort of super-genius?"
She goes, "Oh, yeah. It's a good act, isn't it? Everybody thinks she's just Susie Homemaker. 'Oh, fight people off with a frying pan! Just swing a dress at her, that'll work!' Seriously, though, she knows ninjitsu. She can break your neck just by looking at ya. The cutesy princess thing? Yeah, it's all an act."
And I said, "Well, that can't be possible. You got the king! HE'S the guy in charge."
And she says, "Have you ever seen the king of the Mushroom Kingdom?"
I said, "No."
"Doesn't exist. She made him up. Just to make everyone think that she's the sweet little princess stuck in a tower with nobody around to protect her."
I say, "Alright, l-l-let me just get this straight. Princess Peach is one of the smartest people in the world. You're a clone. The Mushroom Kingdom is one of the most powerful military forces in the world. You have your OWN kingdom that's a growing power."
And she says, "Yeah, it's a great act, isn't it? She's even got Mario convinced that she has some sort of Stockholm syndrome, she likes to be locked in a cage and stuff. It's wonderful."
And I said, "Okay. What's her master plan? Why does she want so much power?"
She says, "Oh, total global take over. By the end of 2030, everybody's gonna look like a mushroom. You know the term Hitler used? These are gonna be like, uh, Peach Youths. Everyone will look the same, and thus, everybody will agree, nobody will be fighting, and there will be no war. It's a brilliant plan."
I said, "That's diabolical!"
"To-may-to, to-mah-to, it's all the same thing," she says.
And I said, "What's to stop me from telling everybody about this?"
She looks me in the eye and says, "Who'd believe ya?"
...Can't fault her on that. The act is just... too good. Nobody'd believe me if I said she was one of the smartest women in the world, if not THE smartest.
She just gave a shrug, finished her drink, and started to head out.
But, before she left, I said, "Oy, wait a minute, just tell me one thing. If you're really gonna take over the world... What's the plan? And-And what part do you play?"
She says, "You know, we just made a partnership with GLaDOS. You know, that new cell phone that everybody has and can't live without?"
And I said, "Oh, yeah, well, even I got one of those. Why?"
She gave a little wink and said, "Just remember I said that."
...Whatever that means.
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|