And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Puss in Boots." (Said and spelled incorrectly as "Puss and Boots")
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(In Spanish accent) All I need is the-- Spoilers!
There's this kitty from the Shrek movies.
And they call him "Puss in Boots!"
But they also call him "The Furry Lover!"
I was a furry lover once!
At the risk of angering a growing fanbase, I will move on.
So Puss in Boots is trying to get Jack's magic beans.
But it turns out they're being held by Jack and Jill!
Not the Jack from "Jack and the Beanstalk," but the Jack from "Jack and Jill." Different Jacks.
Missed opportunity for a joke there, really.
So Puss in Boots has a partner named Kitty.
And she's in cahoots with Humpty Dumpty!
And Humpty Dumpty is a very bad person!
You see, him and Puss in Boots used to be friends in the past.
I was friends with an egg once!
He went bad.
But it turns out Puss in Boots now believes in doing the right thing.
Where Humpty Dumpty doesn't know what to believe in!
He's an eggnostic! (Boos are heard; Chester looks around) Woah, when did I get an audience?
But Humpty promises that if he just does this one thing to get the magic beans that all will be back to normal again.
As normal as a talking egg and cat can be.
So they plant the magic beans and they grow the beanstalk.
And Puss in Boots is like, (In Spanish accent) "We have to watch out for the giant!"
And Humpty is like, (waves hand) "The giant's dead! He doesn't even appear in this movie."
(In Spanish accent) "Oh. (pauses, then says simultaneously) Another missed opportunity for a joke."
(simulataneously) "Another missed opportunity for a joke. I know."
But they come across the golden goose, or at least the golden goslin.
Hey, that's the same name of a character from "Darkwing Duck!"
I wonder if she pooped gold too.
But it turns out (lowers voice) Mommy's very angry.
And she chases after the little goslin!
But the three of them climb down the beanstalk and live happily ever after.
Or do they?! (Dramatic sting plays as the camera zooms in and hits Chester) Ow!
For it turns out this was all just a diabolical plan for Humpty to get revenge on Puss in Boots!
(gasps) OH MY-- What?
You mean this was all an elaborate plan for Humpty Dumpty to get revenge?
For something he screwed Puss in Boots on before?
And even though Humpty was captured and a wanted criminal, somehow he convinced the whole entire town to be in on it?
That...makes no sense.
You know, for a story about a talking egg and a cat in boots, I find this very unrealistic!
I take my feline fables very seriously.
So Puss in Boots is thrown in jail.
But Kitty comes in to rescue him!
"Now we're even!"
(In Spanish accent) "No we're not! You owe me for two!"
"Okay, I'll throw you back in the cell."
(In Spanish accent) "No no no no! We're good, we're good!"
But it turns out Humpty Dumpty now wants revenge on the entire town!
You mean the town that let you go and helped you out on this entire revenge plot?
I...don't get you.
But then the mother goose comes down and-- (pauses) Mother Goose. HA!
Mother Goose comes down and starts destroying the land!
So Puss in Boots goes up to Humpty Dumpty and says, (In Spanish accent) "Stop it!"
(In Spanish accent) "What?"
"Okay, I'll stop. I'll try to save everybody."
(In Spanish accent) "Just like that? You worked years on this revenge plot and within a millisecond you're suddenly a good guy again?"
"Hey! On the outside, I may look like a hard-boiled egg, but on the inside I'm a soft-boiled egg."
(In Spanish accent; talking over him) "Oh God, if I listen to you, will you stop with the egg jokes?"
So Humpty Dumpty saves the day by sacrificing himself and getting the goslin back to Mother Goose.
And he falls off a cliff, and it turns out inside there was a golden egg! (He pauses, glancing back and forth)
...I don't get it.
Does that mean there's a golden egg inside of me too? 'Cause that would be awesome!
Tomorrow I'm gonna crack myself open and see what I find.
Or maybe I'll just find and open some crack. Either one.
So Puss in Boots and Kitty run off into the sunset.
And they end the movie with a kitty dance!
(Chester starts singing the Meow Mix song while clapping his hands, doing a Riverdance-like jig, and doing the Caramelldansen dance.)
So while the egg's plan doesn't make a whole lot of sense, "Puss in Boots" was insert clever cat pun here-tastic!
Much, much better than its prequel!
"Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties."
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, could you at least help me buy a golden goose? I hear Willy Wonka will pay top chocolate for it!