Quest for Camelot
March 2nd, 2010
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!
Pictures of the casts in Quest For Camelot can be seen.
NC (voiceover): Say, have you ever wanted to see Cary Elwes, Gary Oldman, Urkel, Gabriel Byrne, Pierce Brosnan, Balky from Perfect Strangers. Jane Seymour, that chick from Heroes, Don Rickles, Eric Idle in the movie together?
NC: No! Nobody wants to see that! But they did it! In the fucking piece of shit called Quest For Camelot!
Footage of Quest for Camelot is shown
NC (voiceover): Back in the mid 90's when animations studios were trying to take down Disney, by... doing exactly what they did, Warner Bros. gave us Quest For Camelot. This cheap, uninvented knock-off of a Disney style was so bland and so impassionate that you swear to steal their fighting would make much better characters. Actually some of them do! But I'm getting ahead of myself.
NC: Let's take a look at this medieval blast from the ass and see why this should have been in the dark ages!
NC (voiceover): So we start off from pride shlock as we see out main hero who is a girl named Kayley.
A very cute girl is shown.
People (voiceover): Aaaaaaw...
NC (voiceover): She is the daughter of one of the knights of the Round Table, played by Gabriel Byrne. What's the knight's name? Well, it doesn't really matter. They're having fun in this opening.
Kayley: I'm coming with you, Daddy!
Lionel: Yes, when you're old enough, Kayley.
Kayley: One day, I will be a knight like father.
NC: Well, you'd better work on growing that penis, honey! It's a dark age. It sucks for everybody.
NC (voiceover): So father joins the other knights as they venture towards their destination. They ride to... Camelot!
A scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown.
Knights (singing): We're knights of the Round Table! We're...
NC: No! No! This is meant to be taken seriously. The real deal! There're not singing knights in this version! As soon as NC finishes his sentence, the musical sequence of knights going to Camelot is shown.
Merlin (singing): Each of us will now divide, In equal shares, our countryside,
NC: Alright. But if any of those knights are here get the fuck out of here.
All knights sing as they raise up their sheild into the air, exclaiming their symbol.
Knight 1: Liberty
Knight 2: Justice!
Knight 3: Trust!
Scene from the Captain Planet of five children assemble their ring to call Captain Planet is shown.
Knight 4: Freedom!
Knight 5: Peace!
Knight 6: Honour!
Scene from Power Rangers is shown.
Tommy Oliver: Dragonzord!
Zack Taylor: Mastodon!
Kimberly Hart: Pterodactyl!
Knight 7: Goodness!
Knight 8: Strength!
Knight 9: Power!
A Boy: Bobby!
A Girl: I'm Ann!
Knights (singing): Brother to brother...
NC (voiceover): Now, I don't give anything away here but one of these guys is going to be the villain. Can you guess who?
A knight who obviously looks evil waves his arms around and argues with other knights. But the green arrow with question mark points toward King Arthur.
NC (voiceover): Wow. You're, you're a dumbass. Actually it's this guy.
The knight who obviously looked evil is shown again.
NC (voiceover): And his name is Ruber. And when you know it, his played by Gary Oldman, who played another obvious bad guy that everybody trusted as Dr. Smith in Lost in Space! Which oddly enough came out in the exact same year this movie did.
NC: Come on, Gary Oldman. You're a great actor! Why are you choosing these obvious villain roles at this time? I mean, there is just nothing subtle about.
NC is startled when Dr. Spider Smith (from the NC's Lost in Space review) appears next to him in a fiery portal.
Dr. Spider Smith: Did somebody question by subtle acting?
NC: Come on, Dr. Smith. You are subtle as a fucking train wreck... on a boat.
Dr. Spider Smith: Oh, come now. There are several differences between and that Ruber fellow. For example, I want to seize power and control through region of spiders!
NC: But that Ruber guy also wants to see powering control!
Dr. Spider Smith: But not with spiders!
NC: Oh, for god's sake.You know, you need to do, Smith?
Dr. Spider Smith: Does not involve spiders?
NC: No! You need to be diabolical. Actually fool people think you're a kind, gentle, caring person! You think you can do that?
Dr. Spider Smith: He looks himself over ...I think the boat sorta sailed on that one.
NC: Now don't bother me anymore. I got a review to do.
Dr. Spider Smith: Wait! There's one more important thing. It's imperative you must know!
NC: What? WHAT?
Dr. Spider Smith: Spiders!
NC pulls out his pistol and shoots Smith.
Dr. Spider Smith: You're doomed. Doomed!
NC shoots again. Dr. Smith gasps and hides away.
NC (voiceover): So Ruber goes mad with power and tries to take Arthur's sword and run. The other knights stop him but Kayley's father is killed in the process. Big.. flipping surprise. They bury him at his home as Kayley tries to adjust to not having a father anymore.
Kayley goes to her horse and squeezes it. A song can be heard.
NC: What? You squeeze a horse's mane and get a song?
Scene of Kayley squeezing her horse's mane is repeated several times. At each time we can hear different musics including Duck Tale theme song.
NC (voiceover): Cut to years later Kayley is grown up into- Hi, Belle from Beauty and The Beast! Fancy your image being shamefully ripped off here! I mean, my god! They're not even trying! It's Belle! It's fucking Belle!
A picture from Beauty and The Beast is shown as the face of Belle is cropped from it and pasted to Kayley's face.
NC (voiceover): Just change the optics around a bit here, Yeah! It's Belle! It's fucking Belle!
NC: Ok, ok. Maybe I'm being to critical. I mean, maybe she just looks like her. It's not like they both run to the field with their arms open...
The scene from Beaty and The Beast of Belle opening her arms wide and running to the field overlaps with Kayley as she does the same thing.
NC (voiceover): And keeping animals in the farm...
The scene from Beauty and The Beast of Belle taking care of the farm animals overlaps with Kayley as she does the same thing.
NC (voiceover): And sing a song about wanting more than a life being stuck in an environment that does not welcome her free spirit...
The scene from Beauty and The Beast of Belle singing of wanting more than provincial life overlaps with Kayley as she does practically the same thing.
NC: Oh, wait. YES THEY FUCKING DO!
NC (voiceover): So while she still dreams about being a knight, King Arthur and his round table talk about nothing horrible is going on, just before the something horrible thing goes on. Suddenly a griffin appears and steals the excalibur, but suddenly loses it in the valley of thorns.
Griffin tries to get excalibur back but a monsterous hands pop out the thorn valley and tries to grab griffin.
NC (voiceover): Uh.. what are those things? Mosters... or magic beanstalks? Explain movie! Nothing? Nothing at all? Okey, we'll just ignore that giant elephant in the room a little logner!
NC (voiceover): So the knights set out the word Excalibur's theft.
One of the knights blow a giant horn and a shout "Ricola!" can be heard. As the sound of the horn spreads across the town, a farmer hears it.
Farmer: The Excalibur! It's been stolen!
NC (mimicking the farmer): I should know! I speak... horn!
NC (voiceover): So Kayley wants to be a great knight by finding the Excalibur and returning it to Camelot.
Kayley's Mother, Juliana: That's a job for the knights, not for a young girl.
Kayley: But I want to be a knight. I'll go on grand adventures fighting evil, rescuing damsels in distress.
NC: Hello, hot character trait!
Kayley: What is a damsel anyway?
NC: Good bye, hot character trait!
Kayley: I want to save Camelot!
NC (voiceover): But before she can become the world's greatest knight, Ruber takes over their village. How? By doing the most diabolical thing he can possibly find. Singing!
Ruber (singing): I have a plan, it includes you. You, Juliana, will lead me to, Camelot! Now watch me create, My mechanical army with pride,
NC: Okay. Is he just making up this song as he goes? Seriously, I can't even catch the melody.
Ruber (singing): Now I'm back. And I will be staying, This time!
NC (voiceover): Come on! The Who's Line Is It Anyway hoedowns seem rehearsed than this! And those were improvised!
Ruber (singing): With this potion, I bought from some witches, A drop on this chicken...
NC: What? A potion, what? Chicken, green, smoke, and then zapping, now he's an axe, what? What?
A chicken with an axe head pops out the well.
NC: Hi! Remember me? I'm the audience. Can you explain WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?
NC (voiceover): Ok. From what I can gather I guess Ruber has magic juice that can combine living things with any object. So he uses it to melt his followers into half man half weapon. But what's the story behind it? I heard something about witches he bought it from. What, witches are working at the Acme Corporation? The Acme Corporation supports the black guards? How does this work? You wanna elaborate a little bit?
NC: Explain movie! Explain!
NC (voiceover): Anyway, while that's going on, Kayley escapes in probably the most improbable way possible. The guard just lets her go. Really. You can't come up with a reason better than that? Just how distracted are these guards?
NC (mimicking Ruber's guard): How I got ya! We'll never let you go away!
NC realizes that he has a left hand and is extremely shocked.
NC: I HAVE HANDS!
NC (voiceover): So the griffin returns as it turns out he's been working for Ruber all this time. But unfortunately he informs him that he lost Excalibur.
Ruber:Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot!
Ruber yells when he sees Kaylay running away.
Ruber: Oh! Th-Th-The girl!
NC: I took screaming lessons from the villain in Warriors of Virtue!
Juliana sings <The Prayer>.
Juliana (singing): I pray You will be my eyes, And watch her where she goes...
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute. I know this song! This the <The Prayer>! The song that has been sung by like everybody, Celine Dion, Charlotte Church. This is a really famous song. This is where it came from? You gotta be shitting me! No way could this story go along with a song that's popular. They had to write it before they knew about it.
NC: But... Maybe we're wrong! Maybe the scene and the song go perfectly together. Maybe you can't imagine one without the other. They just match up perfectly. I don't know. Let's take a look.
While this quite, beautiful song is played we see giant monsters growling, trying to chase and attack Kayley on her horse.
NC: Unbelievable. Not even close!
NC (voiceover): I've never seen a song so poorly matched up. You got monsters with weapons for hands, a young woman fleeing with fear, chasing into a creepy forest and a chicken who's a fucking AX!
NC: Are those really the images that come to your mind when you hear this song? If so, then you're fucked!
NC (voiceover): I mean this song simply doesn't go with an action scene. How would you like if Sin City when they started playing on the really intense moments!
An intense scene of Sin City is played with <The Prayer>.
NC (voiceover): So she enters the forbidden forest with henchmen not far behind.
NC (voiceover, mocking Kayley): I'm still going to be the world's greatest knight. That's why I'm running away from the danger closing in behind me. But, I, I'm doing it very bravely.
NC (voiceover): But she's saved by a hermit named Garrett, played by Cary Elwes. A blind man who quite frankly makes Daredevil's moves like a five year old gymness.
Scene of Garrett defeating half man half monster is shown
NC (voiceover): So she tells Garrett about the stolen sword as they rush to retrieve it.
Garrett: Right! We're going after it.
Garrett: Not you. Me and Ayden. We work alone.
NC (mimicking Garrett): Yes. In medieval times even a blind man has more credibility to go into danger than a woman does. It pays to have balls.
Kayley: I see no reason why I can't come along.
Garrett (singing): I know the sound of each rock and stone...
NC (voiceover): Dah! Who's voice is that? Cary Elwes suddenly transformed into a Clay Akin!
Garrett (singing): Like every tree, Stands on its own, Reaching for the sky, I stand alone.
A giant tree branch suddenly moves and carries Garrett.
NC (voiceover): Uh, wait. How can the plants move? What, what. Leaves are flying? What is this? This is Camelot! Not fucking Ferngully! How the fuck they're able to do this?
Garrett (singing): Reaching for the sky, I stand alone.
NC (voiceover): I'm sorry but it really irritates me! Why do the plants fucking move? You're not writing Lord of The Rings! You can't just make up your own theology! This one already exists! If you gotta have to have plants move you gotta have a reason for it!
NC: Explain, movie! EXPLAIN!
Garrett (singing): All by myself I stand alone... (song ends)
Kayley: I just need your help this once.
Garrett: All right, all right!
NC (voiceover): What? But you just sung a freaking song about why she can't come with you and all of a sudden she can?
NC (mimicking Kayley): I really want to come with you.
NC (mimicking Garrett): No.
NC does a lip-syncing of Garrett's song briefly.
NC (mimicking Kayley): Please?
NC (mimicking Garrett): Oh, well. Alright.
NC, who is mimicking Kayley shows a smile to the audience.
NC (voiceover): But the comedic axe chicken, god I can't believe I put those words together, tells Ruber about Kayley's escape.
Ruber: You! Report!
NC (voiceover, mimicking the axe chicken): The plot makes no sense, there's no originality and the songs are gonna be more successful than the actual movie.
Ruber: You wretched, mythological moron!
Axe Chicken: Who knows where Excalibur is?
NC (voiceover): By the way, did I mention that the chicken is played by Jaleel White? Doesn't that make this so much likable?
The voice of Sonic from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (which is also voiced by White) is played along with the animation of the axe chicken talking.
Sonic (in chicken axe form): When someone tries to touch you in a place or way you feel uncomfortable, that's no good!
NC (voiceover): So just when you think the things can't possibly get more annoying, guess what else they tossed our way. A double dragon!
The title card of Double Dragon game is shown.
NC (voiceover): God, I wish. No. This is a funny two headed dragon voiced by Eric Idle and Don Rickles. Together at last!
Devon (one of the heads): Camelot? The restaurants, the theaters...
Cornwall (one of the heads): The waitresses, the actresses...
NC (voiceover): Are they funny? No. But they love to sing an obnoxious song that just POPPED out of nowhere.
Cornwall (singing): I'd be rocking with the dinos, Swinging with the rhinos, I'd re-dragonize this cave in a minute
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! This is like the thing Robin Williams did in Aladdin? The comedic references to modern elements that did not exist hundreds of years ago? Except when he did it was mildly annoying and when you do it, it's tortuously annoying?
Double dragon dresses as Elvis Presley and sings.
Two heads together: Oh, if I didn't, Oh, if I didn't...
NC (voiceover): Where does Elvis fit in to the Arthur's legend, exactly?
Two heads together: Have you-you-you-you! Thank you very much. Devon just left the building. You've never sung before, have you, man?
Kayley clapps and goes away.
Kayley: Come on, Garrett
Cornwall: You don't need him, honey.
NC (voiceover): So, what? Your just gonna move on like nothing happened? Those two dragons just sang a three minute song and you're not even gonna acknowledge it? These songs have no PURPOSE! They're like a drive-by musical! If you like singing, fine! But make sure they have a point! Or else, you know, be fucking entertaining!
Cornwall: How 'bout holding your breath?
NC (voiceover): So Rubarb, I mean Ruber, catches up with our heroes and attacks them.
Ruber: Get them!
NC (voiceover): But they all escape as Kayley gets Garrett to somewhere safe to mend his wounds.
Kayley: I'm sorry
Garrett (singing): Look at the sky...
NC: Oh, shut up! Does everybody have to sing in this movie? Look at him. It actually looks like it's hurting as he sings. Why would you sing if you're in pain? Are you afraid of talent scout's gonna drop by in your death bed?
Kayley (singing): I hear your heartbeat, Just go on for miles, And suddenly I know, Why life is worthwhile
Kayley puts a leaf on Garrett's wound which is suddenly healed by the leaf that evaporated into his skin.
NC (voiceover): Wait, wait. No. No. You can't get away with that, movie. You need some explanation. How did a leaf evaporate into his skin, and just magically cure everything?
NC: NO! NO! That does not happen movie! That just does not happen! Unless you know, oh, I don't know. EXPLAIN!
NC slaps his desk every time when he finishes his sentence. The camera wobbles vigorously when NC yells.
NC (voiceover): So after the healing touch of... leaves, they make it to where the Excalibur is. And it turns out it is being held by... A Rock Biter.
A scene from Never Ending Story the movie is shown.
Night Hob: A Rock Biter?
NC (voiceover); A Rock Biter. For god's sake, you're not even trying. First you rip off Belle, and now you rip off the Rock Biter from Never Ending Story. This is just painful!
NC: Rock Biter, what were you thinking?
Scene featuring the Rock Biter is shown from the Never Ending Story the movie.
Rock Biter (voiced by NC): It looked liks a good.. strong.. script. Didn't it?
NC (voiceover): The bad guys enters as well, but luckily our heroes get Excalibur before they can touch it.
Rock Biter sits on Ruber and his griffin.
Ruber: The ogre's butt!
NC: Did he just say 'The ogre's butt'?
Ruber: The ogre's butt!
NC: Ok. That's not a sentence. That's a noun. It's not even a good noun!
NC (voiceover): In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should have known this movie was going to suck, when he had to just say the line, 'The ogre's butt'!
A picture of Gary Oldman is shown as we hear the audio recording of the converstion between Gary Oldman and Director of this movie. They are both voiced by NC.
Gary Oldman: Gentlemen. I, I want to talk to you about this line.
Director: Which is that?
Gary Oldman: 'The ogre's butt'.
Director: What about it?
Gary Oldman: Is... Is that it? That simply the ogre's butt?
Director: Yeah, it's an ogre butt! What? What's wrong with the ogre's butt?
Gary Oldman: Oh, no. Nothing. I have nothing against the ogre's butt. I'm sure the ogre's butt is lovely. How, however, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the ogre's butt. How about perhaps a, um, 'the' ogre's butt, predicate clause like 'Look out for the ougre's butt', or like 'Oh, no! We're under the, the ogre's butt'. Or, if you permit me, 'Woe is me and all others who're trapped under ogre's butt...sssss.."
Director: The ogre's butt isn't a plural.
Gary Oldman: Duly noted But at least that came with a conjunction! Grammatically speaking, I think that makes the ogre's butt much more palatable.
Director: Look, just stick to the script.
Gay Oldman: But I ask you. How does it make any sense? I'm a Shakespearean trained actor.
Director: Hey, didn't you do that 'Spider' in Lost In Space?
A second of silence.
Gary Oldman: The ogre's butt, it is.
Director: Get to the work, puppet.
Gary Oldman sighs.
NC (voiceover): So our heroes get out and finally make it home.
A scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown.
Patsy: It's only a model.
King Arthur: Shh!
Kayley: Oh, Garrett!
NC (voiceover): But just as they are about to hand in the sword together...
Garrett: You deliver it. I don't belong in that world.
NC: What do you mean you don't belong? You're incredible! You see better than how most people could see! In fact, are you even blind?
Garrett: Come on, Ayden. (singing)Like every tree...
NC (voiceover): No! This makes no sense! You don't belong in a world with cozy houses, comfy beds and guaranteed security, but you do belong to the world of killer plants, giant monsters and dragons that can fucking eat you! Hello! Listen to the good opportunity and take advantage of it! You... MORON!
NC (voiceover): Well, of course the bad guys catch up Kayley and steal the sword away from her. Ruber takes the potion out of his cleavage and forges Excalibur onto his arm. Thus Kaylay is kidnapped and uses led for her mother to get the villains in the Camelot. Oh, and answer to your question earlier honey about what a damsel in distress is? It's a stupid female who does not know how to take care of herself and constantly has to be rescued. In other words... YOU!
A Knight: It's Lady Juliana! Lower the bridge at once!
NC (voiceover, mimicking the knight): Also let in the black shadowy figure in the black hood, black horse and black saddle. I'm sure he can totally be trusted.
NC (mimicking Kaylay whose mouth is muffled): I'm still the world's greatest knight!
The axe chicken who was nearby sees Kayely and cut's her rope.
Axe chicken: Bladebeak at your service.
NC (voiceover): What, just, wait a minute! When did the chicken turn into a good guy? There was no transformation scene, he didn't even talk to anyone, there wasn't even a line of dialogue! Aren't you gonna fill us in movie? Aren't you gonna let us know what's going on?
As soon as NC beats his table with his fists, a giant, massive explosion blows up the city. Giant mushroom clouds can be seen, houses are torn apart, and people are screaming. a few moments later we see very exhausted NC as he sighs in his chair. When NC tries to pull himself together, he is distracted by the site of destruction next to him. NC is surprised by what he has done.
NC (voiceover): So Kayley escapes, Ruber attacks, And Garrett changes his mind and comes back to help.
Axe chicken challenges half man half weapon.
Axe chicken: You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?” Well? Do you, punk?
NC is unable to control himself.
NC: Sorry I'm going for two!
Another giant explosion. NC: Aaaaaah! That's it! I'm wrapping it up!
NC (voiceover): They corner Ruber at the stone where Excalibur was pulls out and trick him into slipping it back in. This causes some magical bullshit that blows him up and.. get this: Magically heals everybody. Why? How? I refer to my first nuclear explosion. That's right. Everyone is totally and permanently healed, except for the blind guy. HEY! What the hell! Get back his fucking eyes back you bastard! What? Was saving everything that could possibly be saved in this movie just not enough for you?
NC: Excalibur is a butthole!
NC (voiceover): So Kayley and Garrett are finally made knights, all the people rejoice and celebrate by inventing a new rubbish dance.
Garrett's bird Aiyden flies to Merlin.
Merlin: Well done, Ayden. NC (mimicking Merlin): He, he! I did absolutely nothing. It was a complete waste of animation.
Kayley and Garrett ride a horse with a sign that says "Just Knighted" behind them and ride into the daylight. The movie ends.
A scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown.
King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
NC: Yeah, I think Arthur summed it up there.
Footage of Quest for Camelot
NC (voiceover): Quest for Camelot! A medieval time's restaurant has more dignity than this piece of shit! The characters are ripped of, the stories have no connection to the Arthur legend, and oh, yeah. There's about zillion things that are never explained!
NC: In fact, I want an answer! I want an answer right now! And not only do I want an answer, I want an answer from the most innocent and perfect being that I can think of: Marry Poppins. That's right. Mary Poppins is gonna be my representation of this movie. So tell me, Mary Poppins. How do you explain this bullshit we just witnessed.
Mary Poppins: First of all I would like to make one thing quite clear.
Mary Poppins: I never explain anything.
NC: Fuck you, bitch!
He pulls out his gun and shoots off Mary Poppins's head.
NC: Oh, my god! Oh my god I just killed Mary Poppins! I just killed my first childhood icon! Good lord! That's what the movie has done to me! Mary Poppins, I'm so sorry!
Bert: Mary Poppins!
NC pulls out his gun and shoots off Bert's head.
NC: Bert! Oh, no! I just killed Bert too! OK. I gotta get out of here before I start killing more innocent Disney characters. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!
NC rushes out of the room
Mickey (offscreen): Huh, huh! Hi, Mr. Nostalgia Critic!
A gunshot and Mickey's scream and be heard.
NC (offscreen): Mickey! Oh, no! I'm sorry! Quest for Camelot made me to do it!
Mickey (offscreen): I.. I understand...
Note: CHANNEL AWESOME TAG
Gary Oldman: The ogre's butt!