Quest for Camelot
March 2nd, 2010
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Say, have you ever wanted to see...
Pictures of the cast members in Quest for Camelot can be seen.
NC (voiceover): ...Cary Elwes, Gary Oldman, Urkel, Gabriel Byrne, Pierce Brosnan, Balky from Perfect Strangers (Bronson Pinchot), Jane Seymour, that chick from Heroes (Jessalyn Gilsig), Don Rickles, and Eric Idle in a movie together?
NC: No! Nobody wants to see that! But they did it, in the fucking piece of shit called Quest for Camelot!
Footage of Quest for Camelot is shown
NC (voiceover): Back in the mid 90's when animation studios were trying to take down Disney by... doing exactly what they did, Warner Bros. gave us Quest for Camelot. This cheap, uninvented knock-off of the Disney style was so bland and so impassionate, that you'd swear the steel they're fighting with would make much better characters. And actually, some of them do! But I'm getting ahead of myself.
NC: Let's take a look at this medieval blast from the ass and see why it should have stayed in the dark ages!
NC (voiceover): So we start off in Pride Shlock as we see our main hero, who is a girl named Kayley.
A very cute girl is shown.
People (voiceover): Aaaaaaw...
NC (voiceover): She's the daughter of one of the knights of the Round Table, played by Gabriel Byrne. What's the knight's name? Well, it doesn't really matter. They're having fun in this opening, which obviously means he's a goner.
Kayley: I'm coming with you, Daddy!
Lionel: Yes, when you're old enough, Kayley.
Kayley: One day, I will be a knight like Father.
NC: Well, you'd better work on growing that penis, honey. It's the dark ages. It sucks for everybody.
NC (voiceover): So the father joins the other knights as they venture towards their destination. They ride to...Camelot!
A scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown.
Knights (singing): We're knights of the Round Table! We...
NC: No! No! No, no, no, no, no! This is meant to be taken seriously. The real deal! There aren't any singing knights in this version!
As soon as NC finishes his sentence, the musical sequence of knights going to Camelot is shown.
Merlin (singing): Each of us will now divide, In equal shares, our countryside...
NC: [Moans] All right. But if any of those knights are Richard Harris, get the fuck out of here.
All knights sing as they raise up their shield into the air, exclaiming their symbol.
Knight 1: Liberty!
Knight 2: Justice!
Knight 3: Trust!
Scene from 'Captain Planet' as the five children assemble their ring to call Captain Planet is shown.
Knight 4: Freedom!
Knight 5: Peace!
Knight 6: Honor!
Scene from Power Rangers is shown.
Tommy Oliver: Dragonzord!
Zack Taylor: Mastodon!
Kimberly Hart: Pterodactyl!
Knight 7: Goodness!
Knight 8: Strength!
Scene from Mickey Mouse Club is shown
A Boy: Bobby!
A Girl: Annette!
Knights (singing): Brother to brother...
NC (voiceover): Now, I don't wanna give anything away here, but one of these guys is going to be the villain. Can you guess who?
A knight who obviously looks evil waves his arms around and argues with other knights. But the green arrow with question mark points toward King Arthur.
NC (voiceover): Wow. You're, you're a dumbass. Actually, it's this guy.
The knight who obviously looked evil is shown again.
NC (voiceover): And his name is Ruber. And wouldn't you know it, he's played by Gary Oldman, who played another obvious bad guy that everybody trusted as Dr. Smith in Lost in Space, which, oddly enough, came out the exact same year this movie did.
NC: Come on, Gary Oldman. You're a great actor! Why were you choosing these obvious villain roles at the time? I mean, there is just nothing subtle about...
NC is startled when Dr. Spider Smith (from the NC's Lost in Space review) appears next to him in a fiery portal.
Dr. Spider Smith: Did somebody question my subtle acting?
NC: Come on, Dr. Smith. You about as subtle as a fucking train wreck...on a boat.
Dr. Spider Smith: Oh, come now. There are several differences between me and that Ruber fellow. For example, I want to seize power and control through a region of spiders!
NC: But that Ruber guy wants to seize power and control, too.
Dr. Spider Smith: But not with spiders!
NC: Oh, for God's sake. You know what you need to do, Dr. Smith?
Dr. Spider Smith: Does it involve spiders?
NC: No! You need to be diabolical, actually fool people into thinking you're a kind, gentle, caring person! You think you can do that?
Dr. Spider Smith: (He looks himself over) ...I think the boat sorta sailed on that one.
NC: All right, well, don't bother me anymore. I got a review to do.
Dr. Spider Smith: Wait! There's one more important thing. It's imperative that you must know!
NC: What? WHAT?
Dr. Spider Smith: Spiders!
NC pulls out his pistol and shoots Smith.
Dr. Spider Smith: You're doomed. Doomed!
NC shoots again. Dr. Smith gasps and hides away. Back to the movie
NC (voiceover): So Ruber goes mad with power and tries to take Arthur's sword and throne. The other knights stop him, but Kayley's father is killed in the process. Big...flipping surprise. They bury him at his home as Kayley tries to adjust to not having a father anymore.
Kayley goes to her horse and squeezes it. A song, "On My Father's Wings" can be heard.
NC: What? You squeeze in a horse's mane and get a song?
Scene of Kayley squeezing her horse's mane is repeated several times. At each time we can hear different songs, including "Baby Love" by The Supremes, "Getting Jiggy With It" by Will Smith and the the DuckTales theme song.
NC (voiceover): Cut to years later as Kayley is grown up into...Hi, Belle from Beauty and the Beast! Fancy your image being shamefully ripped off here! I mean, my God! They're not even trying! It's Belle! It's fucking Belle!
A picture from Beauty and the Beast is shown as the face of Belle is cropped from it and pasted to Kayley's face.
NC (voiceover): Look, just change the outfits around a bit here, and, yeah! It's Belle! It's fucking Belle!
NC: Okay, okay. Maybe I'm being too critical. I mean, maybe she just looks like her. It's not like they both run through the fields with their arms open...
The scene from Beauty and the Beast of Belle opening her arms wide and running to the field overlaps with Kayley as she does the same thing.
NC (voiceover): ...feed animals on a farm...
The scene from Beauty and the Beast of Belle taking care of the farm animals overlaps with Kayley as she does the same thing.
NC (voiceover): ...and sing a song about wanting more out of life than being stuck in an environment that doesn't welcome her free spirit.
The scene from Beauty and the Beast of Belle singing of wanting more than provincial life overlaps with Kayley as she does practically the same thing.
NC: [beat] Oh, wait. YES, THEY FUCKING DO!
NC (voiceover): So while she still dreams about being a knight, King Arthur and his roundtable talk about how nothing horrible is going on, just before something horrible goes on. A griffin comes and steals Excalibur, but suddenly loses it in the valley of thorns.
Griffin tries to get Excalibur back but a bunch of monstrous hands pop out the thorn valley and try to grab the griffin.
NC (voiceover): Uh...what are those things? Are those monsters, are those magic beans? Explain, movie! Nothing? Nothing at all? Okay, we'll just ignore that giant elephant in the room a while longer.
NC (voiceover): So the knights set out the word about Excalibur's theft.
One of the knights blow a giant horn and a shout "Ricola!" can be heard. As the sound of the horn spreads across the town, a farmer hears it.
Farmer: Excalibur! It's been stolen!
NC (mimicking the farmer): I should know! I speak...horn!
NC (voiceover): So Kayley wants to be a great knight by finding Excalibur and returning it to Camelot.
Kayley's Mother, Juliana: That's a job for the knights, not for a young girl.
Kayley: But I want to be a knight. I'll go on grand adventures, fighting evil, rescuing damsels in distress.
NC: (interested) Hello, hot character trait!
Kayley: What is a damsel anyway?
NC: (disappointed) Goodbye, hot character trait!
Kayley: I want to save Camelot!
NC (voiceover): But before she can become the world's greatest knight, Ruber takes over their village. How? By doing the most diabolical thing he can possibly fathom: Singing!
Ruber (singing): I have a plan, it includes you. You, Juliana, will lead me to, Camelot! Now watch me create, my mechanical army with pride!
NC: Okay. Is he just making up this song as he goes?
NC (voiceover): Seriously, I can't even catch the melody.
Ruber (singing): Now I'm back, and I will be staying this time!
NC (voiceover): Come on! The Whose Line is it Anyway hoedowns sound more rehearsed than this! And those were improvised!
Ruber (singing): With this potion, I bought from...
NC (voiceover): Wait, Acme? What? A chicken, green, smoke, and then zapping, now he's an axe, what? What? What...what?!
A chicken with an axe head pops out the well.
NC: Hi! Remember me? I'm the audience. You want to fill me in on WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON?!
NC (voiceover): Okay. From what I can gather, I guess, Ruber has a magic juice that can combine living things with inanimate objects. So he uses it to melt his followers into half-men half-weaponry. But, what's the story behind it? I heard something about some witches he bought it from. What, witches are working at the Acme Corporation? The Acme Corporation supports the black arts? How does this work? You wanna elaborate a little bit?
NC: Explain, movie! Explain!
NC (voiceover): Anyway, while that's going on, Kayley escapes in probably the most improbable way possible: The guard just lets her go. [beat] Really? You couldn't come up with a better reason than that? How distracted are these guards?
NC (mimicking Ruber's guard): Now we got ya! We're never gonna let you go and...
NC realizes that he has a left hand and is extremely shocked.
NC: I HAVE HANDS!
NC (voiceover): So the griffin returns, as it turns out he's been working for Ruber all this time. But unfortunately, he informs him that he lost Excalibur.
Ruber: Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot!
Ruber yells when he sees Kayley riding away.
Ruber: Oh! Th-th-the girl!
NC: I took screaming lessons from the villain in Warriors of Virtue! (Gibbers)
Juliana sings The Prayer.
Juliana (singing): I pray You'll be my eyes, and watch her where she goes...
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute. I know this song. This is The Prayer. That song that has been sung by, like, everybody, Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Charlotte Church. This is a really famous song. This is where it came from?! You gotta be shitting me! No way could this story inspire a song that popular. They had to have written it before they even knew about the movie.
NC: But, hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this scene and that song go perfectly together. Maybe you can't imagine one without the other. They just match up perfectly. I don't know. Let's take a look.
While this beautiful song is played, we see giant monsters growling, trying to chase and attack Kayley on her horse.
NC: Unbelievable! Not even close!
NC (voiceover): I have never seen a song so poorly matched up! You got monsters with weapons for hands, a young woman fleeing in fear, a chase scene into a creepy forest, and a chicken who's a fucking AXE!
NC: Are those really the images that come to your mind when you hear this song? If so, then you are fucked!
NC (voiceover): I mean, this song simply doesn't go in an action scene. How would you like if in Sin City, they started playing this song over the really intense moments?
An intense scene of Sin City is played with The Prayer.
NC (voiceover): So she enters the Forbidden Forest, where the henchmen are not far behind.
NC (voiceover, mocking Kayley): I'm still going to be the world's greatest knight. That's why I'm running away from the danger that's closing in behind me. But, I, I'm doing it very bravely. (normal) But she's saved by a hermit named Garrett, played by Cary Elwes. A blind man who quite frankly makes Daredevil's moves look like a five year old gymnast.
Scene of Garrett defeating Ruber's henchmen is shown
NC (voiceover): So Kayley tells Garrett about the stolen sword as they rush to retrieve it.
Garrett: Right! We're going after it.
Garrett: Not you. Me and Ayden. We work alone.
NC (mimicking Garrett): Yes. In medieval times, even a blind man has more credibility to go into danger than a woman does. It pays to have balls.
Kayley: Well, I see no reason why I can't come along.
Garrett starts singing another song, "I Stand Alone" with a completely different voice (Bryan White)
Garrett (singing): I know the sound of each rock and stone...
NC (voiceover): Dah! Whose voice is that? Cary Elwes suddenly transformed into Clay Aiken!
Garrett's singing voice is actually Bryan White, not Clay Aiken.
Garrett (singing): Like every tree stands on its own, reaching for the sky, I stand alone.
A giant tree branch suddenly moves and carries Garrett.
NC (voiceover): Uh, wait. How can the plants move? What, what...leaves are flying? What is this? This is Camelot! Not fucking Ferngully! How the fuck are they able to do this?
Garrett (singing): Reaching for the sky, I stand alone.
NC (voiceover): I'm sorry, this just really irritates me! Why do the plants fucking move? You're not writing Lord of the Rings! You can't just make up your own theology! This one already exists! If you're gonna have plants move, you have to have a reason for it!
NC: Explain, movie! EXPLAIN!
Garrett (singing): All by myself, I stand alone... (song ends)
Kayley: I just need your help this once.
Garrett: (annoyed) All right, all right!
NC (voiceover): What? But you just sung a freaking song about why she can't come with you and then, all of a sudden, she can?
NC (mimicking Kayley): I really want to come with you.
NC (mimicking Garrett): No.
NC does a lip-syncing of Garrett's song briefly.
NC (mimicking Kayley): Please?
NC (mimicking Garrett): Oh, all right.
NC, who is mimicking Kayley, shows a smile to the audience.
NC (voiceover): But the comedic axe chicken...God, I can't believe I just put those words together...tells Ruber about Kayley's escape.
Ruber: You! Report!
NC (voiceover, mimicking Bladebeak): Well, the plot makes no sense, we have no originality, and the songs are gonna be more successful than the actual movie.
Ruber: You wretched, mythological moron!
Bladebeak: Who knows where Excalibur is?
NC (voiceover): Oh, by the way, did I mention that the chicken is played by Jaleel White? Doesn't that make him just so much more likable?
The voice of Sonic from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog (which is also voiced by White) is played along with the animation of the axe chicken talking.
Sonic (in chicken axe form): When someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you you feel uncomfortable, that's no good!
NC (voiceover): So just when you think the beaker of annoyance can't possibly get filled anymore, guess what else they tossed our way? A double dragon!
The title card of Double Dragon game is shown.
NC (voiceover): God, I wish. No. This is a funny two headed dragon, voiced by Eric Idle and Don Rickles. Together at last!
Devon (the right head): Camelot? The restaurants, the theaters...
Cornwall (the left head): The waitresses, the actresses...
NC (voiceover): Are they funny? No. But they do love to sing obnoxious songs that just POP the hell out of nowhere.
The song "If I Didn't Have You" is show in clips
Cornwall (singing): I'd be rocking with the dinos, Swinging with the rhinos, I'd re-dragonize this cave in a minute...
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! This is like that thing Robin Williams did in Aladdin, with the comedic references to modern day elements that won't exist for hundreds of years, except when he did it, it was mildly annoying, and when you do it, it's tortuously annoying?
Devon and Cornwall dress as Elvis Presley and sing.
Two heads together: Oh, if I didn't, Oh, if I didn't...
NC (voiceover): Yeah. Where does Elvis fit in to the Arthur legend, exactly, huh?
Two heads together: Have you-you-you-you! Thank you very much.
Devon: (as Elvis) Devon just left the building.
Cornwall: (as Elvis) You've never sung before, have you, man?
Devon punches Cornwall, ending the song as Kayley claps and goes away.
Kayley: Come on, Garrett.
Cornwall: You don't need him, honey.
NC (voiceover): So, what? We're just gonna move forward like nothing happened? Those two dragons just sung a three minute song and you're not even gonna acknowledge it? These songs have no PURPOSE! They're, like, drive-by musicals! If you wanna have singing, fine! But make sure they have a point! Or are, you know, fucking entertaining!
Cornwall: How 'bout holding your breath?
NC (voiceover): So Rubarb, oh, I'm sorry, Ruber, catches up with our heroes and attacks them.
Ruber: Get them!
NC (voiceover): But they all escape as Kayley gets Garrett somewhere safe to mend his wounds.
Kayley: I'm sorry.
Garrett sings another song, "Looking Through Your Eyes" to Kayley.
Garrett: Shh. (singing) Look at the sky...
NC: Oh, shut up! Does everybody have to sing in this movie? Look at him. It actually looks like it's hurting as he sings. Why would you sing if you're in pain? Are you afraid a talent scout's gonna drop by in your deathbed?
Kayley (singing): I hear your heartbeat, Just go on for miles, And suddenly I know, Why life is worthwhile
Kayley puts a leaf on Garrett's wound which is suddenly healed by the leaf that evaporated into his skin.
NC (voiceover): Wait, wait. No. No. You can't get away with that, movie. You need some explanation. How did a leaf evaporate into his skin and just magically cure him?!
NC: NO! NO! That does not happen, movie! That just does not happen! Unless you, oh, I don't know, EXPLAAAAAAAAIN!!
NC slaps his desk every time he finishes a sentence. The camera wobbles vigorously when NC yells.
NC (voiceover): So after the healing touch of...leaves, they make it to the cave where Excalibur is. And it turns out, it is being held by...a Rock Biter.
A scene from NeverEnding Story is shown.
Night Hob: A Rock Biter?
NC (voiceover): A Rock Biter. For God's sakes, you're not even trying. First you rip off Belle, and now you gotta rip off the Rock Biter from Never Ending Story. This is just painful!
NC: Rock Biter, what were you thinking?
Scene featuring the Rock Biter is shown from NeverEnding Story.
Rock Biter (voiced by NC): It looked like a good...strong...script. Didn't it?
NC (voiceover): The bad guys enter as well, but luckily, our heroes get Excalibur before they can touch it.
Rock Biter sits on Ruber and his griffin.
Ruber: The ogre's butt!
NC: Did he just say 'The ogre's butt'?
Ruber: The ogre's butt!
NC: Okay. That's not a sentence. That's a noun. It's not even a good noun!
NC (voiceover): In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should have known this movie was going to suck, when he had to just say the line, 'The ogre's butt'.
A picture of Gary Oldman is shown as we hear the audio recording of the conversation between Gary Oldman and Director of this movie. They are both voiced by NC.
Gary Oldman: Gentlemen. I, I want to talk to you about this line.
Director: Which is that?
Gary Oldman: 'The ogre's butt'.
Director: What about it?
Gary Oldman: Is...is that it? Simply the ogre's butt?
Director: Yeah, it's an ogre butt! What's wrong with the ogre's butt?
Gary Oldman: Oh, no. Nothing. I have nothing against the ogre's butt. I'm sure the ogre's butt is lovely. However, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the ogre's butt. How about perhaps a, uh, verb or a predicate clause, like, 'Look out for the ogre's butt', or, like, 'Oh, no! We are under the ogre's butt'. Or, if you permit me, 'Woe is me and all others who're trapped under ogre's butt...sssss.."
Director: The ogre's butt isn't a plural.
Gary Oldman: Duly noted. But at least that one came with a conjunction! Grammatically speaking, I think that makes the ogre's butt much more palatable.
Director: Look, just stick to the script.
Gary Oldman: But I ask you. How does it make any sense? I'm a Shakespearean trained actor.
Director: Hey, weren't you that 'Spider' in Lost in Space?
A second of silence.
Gary Oldman: Ogre's butt it is.
Director: Get to work, puppet.
Gary Oldman sighs.
NC (voiceover): So our heroes get out and finally make it home.
A scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown.
Patsy: It's only a model.
King Arthur: Shh!
Kayley: Oh, Garrett!
NC (voiceover): But just as they're about to hand in the sword together...
Garrett: You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world.
NC: What do you mean you don't belong? You're incredible! You see better than how most people could see! In fact, are you even blind?
Garrett: Come on, Ayden. (singing) Like every tree...
NC (voiceover): No! This makes no sense! You don't belong in a world with cozy houses, comfy beds and guaranteed security, but you do belong in a world of killer plants, giant monsters and dragons that can fucking eat you! Hello! You're not hard of hearing! Just listen to a good opportunity and take advantage of it, you... MORON! Well, of course, the bad guys catch up with Kayley and steal the sword away from her. Ruber takes the potion out of his cleavage and forges Excalibur onto his arm. Thus, Kayley is kidnapped and used as leverage for her mother to get the villains into Camelot. Oh, and the answer to your question earlier, honey, about what a damsel in distress is? It's a stupid female who knows how to take care of herself but yet constantly has to be rescued. In other words...YOU!
Ruber: Not a word.
A Knight: It's Lady Juliana! Lower the bridge at once!
NC (voiceover, mimicking the knight): Also let in the dark shadowy figure with the black hood, black horse and black saddle. I'm sure he can be totally trusted.
NC (mimicking Kayley whose mouth is muffled): I'm still the world's greatest knight!
Bladebeak, who was nearby, sees Kayley and cuts her rope.
Bladebeak: Bladebeak at your service.
NC (voiceover): What, ju...wait a minute! When did the chicken turn into a good guy?! There was no transformation scene, he didn't talk to anyone, there wasn't even a line of dialogue! Aren't you gonna fill us in, movie?! Aren't you gonna let us know what's going on?!
NC: (extremely ticked off and in the manner of the Lion from Bedknobs and Broomsticks) JUUUST...EEEEX...PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!
As he roars this, NC beats his table with his fists. This causes a giant, massive explosion to blow up the city. Giant mushroom clouds can be seen, houses are torn apart, and people are screaming. A few moments later, we see a very exhausted NC as he sighs in his chair. When NC tries to pull himself together, he is distracted by the site of destruction next to him. NC is surprised by what he has done.
NC (voiceover): So Kayley escapes, Ruber attacks, and Garrett changes his mind and comes back to help.
Bladebeak challenges a half man half weapon.
Bladebeak: You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well? Do you, punk?
NC is unable to control himself.
NC: Sorry, I'm going for two!
Another giant explosion.
NC: Aaaaaah! That's it! I'm wrapping it up!
NC (voiceover): They corner Ruber at the stone that Excalibur was pulled out of and trick him into slipping it back in. This causes some magical bullshit that blows him up and...get this, magically heals everybody. Why? How? I refer you to my first nuclear explosion. That's right. Everyone is totally and permanently healed, except for the blind guy. HEY! What the hell?! Give the fucker his eyes, you bastards! What? Was saving everything that could possibly be saved in this movie just not enough for you?
NC: Excalibur's a bunghole!
NC (voiceover): So Kayley and Garrett are finally made knights, all the people rejoice, and celebrate by inventing Riverdance.
Garrett's bird Aiyden flies to Merlin.
Merlin: Well done, Ayden.
NC (mimicking Merlin): Hee, hee! I did absolutely nothing. I was a complete waste of animation.
Kayley and Garrett ride a horse with a sign that says "Just Knighted" behind them and ride into the daylight. The movie ends. A scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown.
King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
The knights murmur in agreement and walk away.
NC: Yeah, I think Arthur summed it up there.
Footage of 'Quest for Camelot' is shown.
NC (voiceover): Quest for Camelot. A medieval time's restaurant has more dignity than this piece of shit. The characters are rip-offs, the story has no connection to the Arthur legend, and, oh, yeah. There's a bajillion things that are never explained!
NC: In fact, I want an answer! I want an answer right now! And not only do I want an answer, I want an answer that is the most innocent, perfect being that I can think of: Mary Poppins. That's right. Mary Poppins is gonna be my representation of this movie. So tell me, Mary Poppins. How do you explain this bullshit that we just witnessed?
Mary Poppins: First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear [NC nods] I never explain anything.
NC: [Gets angry] Fuck you, bitch!
He pulls out his gun and shoots off Mary Poppins head.
NC: [Suddenly becomes shocked] Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I just killed Mary Poppins! I just killed my first childhood icon! Good Lord! That's what the movie has done to me! Oh, Mary Poppins, I'm so sorry!
Bert: Mary Poppins!
NC, thinking it's an intruder, yells, pulls out his gun and shoots off Bert's head.
NC: BERT!! Oh, no! I killed Bert, too! Okay! I gotta get out of here before I start killing any more innocent Disney characters. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!
NC rushes out of the room.
Mickey (offscreen): Ha-ha! Hi, Mr. Nostalgia Critic!
A gunshot and Mickey's scream is heard.
NC (offscreen): MICKEY!! Oh, no-ho-ho-ho! I'm sorry! Quest for Camelot made me do it!
Mickey (offscreen): I... I understand...
NC (offscreen): No!
Note: CHANNEL AWESOME TAG
Ruber: The ogre's butt!