July 19, 2011
(The title screen for the movie “Rad” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): I mean, it’s like calling your movie “Tubular” or “Gnarly” or…
Neo (from The Matrix): Whoa.
NC (voiceover): There’s just some things you know are doomed on arrival. Do you need to know the plot? No. Do you need to know the characters? No. Do you need to know anything about this movie outside of the title to know it absolutely sucks?
NC: Well, let me put it this way: it doesn’t help. So let us go on a most (speaks like a surfer dude) excellent adventure, this is “Rad”! (He pretends to do a guitar riff as we hear a guitar riff in the background)
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So if by the opening credits of this movie you can’t tell that the focus is gonna be on BMX bike racers…
NC: (a bus arrives below of NC labeled “Idiot Bus”) Your bus has arrived.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, like, the first five minutes of this movie is nothing but watching a bunch of people we don’t know doing tricks. I wouldn’t mind so much, except half of the moves are the “humping the bike” technique. No, I’m serious. This is the one they do, like, a bajillion times in this movie! Once in a while, you get a jump here and there, but then nope! It’s right back to the wheel rape. OK, I’m sure that's difficult to do, but it looks silly and kind of perverted. Move along!
Singers: (as the opening credits end on a freeze frame of a biker in mid-air) Break the ice!
NC (voiceover): So after the credits end with the bike tricks, we finally get the beginning of our story.
(Cru Jones and two of his friends get ready to make their newspaper deliveries on their bikes)
Cru Jones: OK, dudes, let’s walk this sucker.
(All three depart in different directions)
NC (voiceover): Or we do the exact same bullshit again!
(Cru jumps over a fence to land in a backyard; a neighbor dog barks and runs up to grab a newspaper from Cru before returning to his deliveries)
NC (voiceover): So just to clarify, this movie is about ice skating, right?
(Luke bikes up to a passing fire engine and hands a newspaper to one of the firemen; the delivery sequence continues with music from Paperboy with appropriate sound effects added in)
Luke: (stops to adjust his hair) Ooh, gnarly!
(Cut to an old man named Burton Timmer riding a bicycle and holding a box out with one hand)
NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) Gee, I can’t see anything going wrong with this scenario.
(A newspaper flies in and knocks off the box from Burton’s hand)
Cru: Oops. (He bikes past the old man)
Burton Timmer: (looks on disapprovingly) The world would be a lot better off without kids!
NC: (as Burton Timmer) I killed a family in World War II. That’s why I have such a harsh outlook of reality. But you don’t care about that. (He shakes his fist in the air) I’m just a grump!
NC (voiceover): So after he (Cru) rides across the “Brady Bunch” lawn, we see him go to school to hang out with his friends.
Luke: Hey! There’s your fantasy, studly.
Cru: Fantasy?, Katie and I are, like, special.
NC: (scoffs) That’s our main character, everybody. How’d that go again?
Cru: Katie and I are, like, special.
NC: (mocks Cru) We read poetry and pick flowers at the church.
NC (voiceover): By the way, did they run this film through a pot of urine before they released it to the public? I’ve seen less yellow on “The Simpsons.”
Katie’s Girl Friend: Hey, Katie, isn’t that Cru?
Katie: Yeah, my biggest mistake ever. I’ll see you later.
Cru: (to himself after being unable to find Katie) Damn it.
NC: (as Cru) Aww, and I thought Katie and I were, like, special.
NC (voiceover): We then see a meeting run by the Mongoose Bicycle Company led by a man named Duke Best.
Johnny 5 (from “Short Circuit 2”): OK, Oscar, I’ll pass you up at the head.
NC (voiceover): That’s right! It’s Oscar from “Short Circuit 2.” He’s in charge of bringing a new race track to town and getting some of the best known riders he can find to race in it.
Company Representative: You’re gonna have all the top factory riders right here.
Duke Best: (pounds his fist on the table and stands up) Think about it! (Duke’s pounding of his fist and shout is intercut with a clip from “The Great Muppet Caper” of many Muppet characters reacting in surprise) TV cameras in every corner of the town, showing on network television. The spirit of Cochrane!
(The people in the audience applaud)
Old Woman: (stands up) Excuse me.
NC: (as Duke Best) Who dare questions the Mongoose Bicycling Company?!
Old Woman: Not to put a damper on the spirit of things, but I wonder how our kids are going to feel (Cut briefly to NC (as Duke Best) pretending to listen in while holding in his rage) when hundreds of outside youngsters take over their town. And they’re not allowed to race in their own backyard.
(Duke Best nods lightly)
NC: (as Duke Best) Hold me back Lou. Hold me back! Hold me back Lou! Hold me Back! I’d better not find out where you live!
Duke Best: We will hold a qualifying race.
(The audience applauds again)
NC (voiceover): So the old lady’s concern that…really…causes no concern is getting a lot of attention downtown about the race, especially to Cru and his friends.
Male Friend: (refers to Bart Taylor, a BMX rider) This Bart dude…being so awesome. What do you think, Cru?
Cru: I don’t know. It’s gonna take a radical miracle to beat this guy.
NC: A…rear-icle, as I like to call it. (He pretends to do a guitar riff as we hear a guitar riff in the background)
(Police sirens are heard outside the house Cru and his friends are in)
NC (voiceover): But they have no time to think about that. The Fuzz is there to chase them down because…hell if I know!
(Sergeant Smith gives chase to Cru and his friends as they escape on their bikes)
The Jets Gang (from “West Side Story”): (audio, sings) Gee, Officer Krupke, we’re very upset / We never had the love that every child ought to get.
(Cru bikes through a lumberyard and through stacks of lumber to block Sergeant Smith’s way in before we see Cru ride on top of the stacks)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, so I have no clue why a bald version of the Pringles guy is chasing down some bikers in a Home Depot lumberyard, (speaks like a surfer dude) but at least it gives us an excuse for cool riding!
(Cru continues biking over a pile of logs; intercut with a clip of Pee-Wee Herman (from “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure) doing a stunt on his bike; Cru gets off the logs and bikes away from the lumberyard and waves back to Sergeant Smith, who smiles and points)
NC (voiceover): (as Sergeant Smith, chortles with laughter) Oh, I could have been stopping a homicide instead of chasing you, but I’ll get you next time, you little rapscallion! (He chortles again)
NC (voiceover): (normal) Next, we cut to Cru’s sister Punky Brewster and his mother Adrian from the “Rocky” movies. No, I’m serious. That’s Adrian from the “Rocky” movies. (Two movie posters for “Rocky” that feature the Adrian character are shown briefly) And, just like in those films, her only job seems to be the athletic cock-blocker to any rising sports star.
Cru: (to his mother) This is a very important race.
Mrs. Jones: You’ve always wanted to go to college. That’s been the plan.
Cru: When your gut talks to you, you’d listen!
Mrs. Jones: Oh, Christopher, that won’t wash with me.
Mrs. Jones: I don’t want to hear any more about it!
NC: (as Rocky from the “Rocky” movies) Yeah, don’t listen to her, Cru. I’ve made 6 movies doing the exact opposite of what she said! (Beat) Yeah.
NC (voiceover): The next day, a parade goes by welcoming the new bikers to the town. But the bikers (speaks snooty) aren’t impressed.
Rex Reynolds: Helltrack in this here town.
Rod Reynolds: You gotta be kidding me.
Bart Taylor: This is a joke.
Rod: Big town we’re rolling in here, huh, guys?
Rex: I’m surprised the main street’s even paved.
(All the bikers laugh)
NC: (speaks snooty, mocking the bikers) And I must say the California Rolls must be using imitation crab meat. (He holds up a plate of sushi and eats one in a snotty manner)
NC (voiceover): But Cru comes across one biker that he likes: Jesse’s girlfriend from “Full House.”
(As Cru and Christian Hollings look at each other and smile, NC pretends to make goofy laughs for each of them; Cru looks over to see the Sergeant Smith coming by before he quickly leaves on his bike)
NC (voiceover): (as Cru) Cheese it! It’s Sergeant Slaughter! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoop!
Sergeant Smith (to Christian) Have you seen a kid on a bike?
Christian: (chuckles) Yeah, lots of them.
NC (voiceover): Oh, and trust me. You’ll see fucking more as Cru tries to still impress that Katie chick with his asphalt mounting.
Cru: (bikes up in front of Katie) Not too shabby, huh?
Katie: Immature is more like it.
Cru: Are we going to the dance tonight or what?
Katie: I’ll be there.
Cru: Well, great! Rad! I’ll pick you up at eight, huh?
Katie: What makes you think I’m going with you?
NC: Oh, gee, your perked nipples seem to be pointing in my direction.
Katie: And you’ll pick me up how? On that dumb bike?
Katie: Sure. (She walks away)
NC: (as Cru) Katie, wait! Didn’t you get my “We’re, like, special” card?
NC (voiceover): So they go to the school dance—or as the Brits like to call it—
Waltzer (from “Milk Money”): The so’-‘op!
NC (voiceover): Where the bikers put on their finest…Battlestar Galactic attire.
(The three bikers are out in the middle of the dance floor and dance in a way that’s hard to take seriously)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I totally buy that these dances are 100% improvised, just as much as I believe the lawsuits against “Borat”!
Emcee: (as Christian bikes into the gymnasium) Hold everything! It’s Christian Hollings!
Bart: Little early with the act, aren’t you? (Christian doesn’t say anything) You better show some respect. At least wait until I was done dancing.
NC: (as Bart, pointing to the camera) Don’t make me put on my skeleton costume and go karate on your ass!
NC (voiceover): But hey, you think the dancing is hard to believe? How about Cru and the “Full House” chick doing a totally unrehearsed yet somehow completely choreographed bike dance? (chuckles) Gah, these spur-of-the-moment scenes are just so real, aren’t they? (A bit of the bike dance is presented) But then again, I guess any stunt would be easy when you do the whole freakin’ thing in slow motion. (As the bike dance continues, the students start to root for Cru and Christian; in one shot, we see Cru having his back turned against the low-angled camera) Do I really need to look at his butt for a solid minute? And I don’t even want to know what she’s doing to that seat!
(After the bike dance ends, all the students applaud)
NC (voiceover): So even though Cru’s a big hit, we see that (speaks in a cowboy drawl) big bad Bart wants to be number 1 in this here town.
Restaurant Host: Yes, sir, Mr. Taylor.
Bart: (with two young women on either side of him) Yeah, what do you got to do to get a table around here?
Restaurant Host: I will show you in a minute, sir. (He turns around to look for an available table and thinks to himself)
Bart: Come on, come on, come on. Do we get a table, or do we leave?
Restaurant Host: Have one right away, sir.
Bart’s Girl #1: This isn’t exactly the Ritz.
NC: (as Bart’s Girl #1, scoffs) I expected much more from Dairy Queen.
NC (voiceover): So Cru and his friends get kicked out of their table, which leads them to practice more on the ramps. And…somehow off-screen, the “Full House” chick finds them!
Christian: If you do make it when those mattresses are there, those will just cause you to wipe out.
Cru: What, are you nuts?
Christian: No, that’s no glory.
Cru: (gestures to his other friends) Take the mattresses out. (All his friends do so)
(Cut to Cru later doing a flip trick off an incline ramp with his bike and landing on his back on the other ramp, injuring himself)
NC (voiceover): (as Cru) Oh, my God, I never should’ve moved those mattresses! My bones are jelly! Why did I listen to someone who dated John Stamos?!
Christian: (to Cru) You over-rotated.
Cru: No shit.
NC (voiceover): So because breaking his back turns him on, I guess, Cru and the “Full House” chick hang out near the river.
(Cru and Christian slide together down a slide that goes into the river and they try to make their way out of the water; Scene dissolve to starting the same scene over again in slow motion)
Background Singer: (as the river scene is played out) Being crazy is nothing new / No, the big surprise would be / What if my dream came true?
NC (voiceover): (in reaction to the replaying of the scene in slow motion) Uh, yeah, I guess that scene was so incredible, we should play it again in slow motion. This movie’s like “The Passion [of the Christ]” (the poster for that movie is shown briefly); it may be an hour and a half long, but if you took out all the slow-mo, it’d be only two minutes.
Background Singer: What stroke of luck might strike today.
(Christian and Cru are standing on the bank of the river, and she picks up a rock to throw it at the spot where he is, hoping to splash him with it)
NC (voiceover): Uh, why was throwing a rock a reason to chase her?
Croc (from “Batman: The Animated Series”): It was a big rock.
(Cut to Cru and Christian kissing)
NC (voiceover): But the day of the first big race to get into the…other big race…has finally come, and Duke Best couldn’t be more sinisterly happy.
Announcer: (to Duke) Now, uh, what is the concept behind Helltrack?
Duke Best: Well, you see, Bill, we decided that we needed our…very own Super Bowl, so we hired the very best experts to build and design a track that combines the…the different styles and-and skills of BMX racers and freestylers.
NC (voiceover): You know, can’t people just tell this guy is evil? He has it written all over him. I mean, could you see him running a daycare or something?
NC: (as Duke Best) And now, uh, children, we’re now going to read the story of “The Three Little Pigs.” Uh, “The Three Little Pigs.” (He opens a book) Here we go. “The wolf ate the three little pigs…” and-and that’s it. (He closes the book; children are crying in the background) Oh, grow up! They’re just pigs! They’re just pigs.
(The race begins)
NC (voiceover): So they race down the hill, like, umpteen million times, and, of course, Cru ends up being one of the winners, which, of course, gets him to race the big Helltrack, which doesn’t please his mother very much.
Cru: (to his supporters who have him up on their shoulders) Put me down. (They do so)
Mandy (from “Monty Python’s Life of Brian”): (audio, dubbed over Mrs. Jones) He’s not the Messiah! He’s a very naughty boy!
Mrs. Jones: You defied me.
Cru: I didn’t do it to hurt you.
Mrs. Jones: You’re willing to sacrifice building a solid future for a bicycle race!
Cru: Would you try to understand? The only thing I’m good at is riding this bike!
NC: Wow, that’s unbelievably sad.
Cru: And now, I have a chance to be the best, maybe the best in the world. I can take those SATs anytime, maybe in six months.
NC: (argues and points to the camera) Now you listen here. I—Six months, really? (He is puzzled) Well…yeah! Go do the race. Do the SATs anytime you want.
Mrs. Jones: I want you to make me a promise that in six months you’ll take those SATs no matter what.
NC (voiceover): Well…yeah! Doesn’t that kind of go without saying? Is there any indication that he wouldn’t? This was really a pointless detour. I think they just wanted to give the actress to bitch and moan about, because that’s what she does in all her other movies!
NC Cru: (holds up a bag labeled “Whopper”) Hey, Mom! I just got back from Burger King!
NC Mrs. Jones: Did you get anything for me?
NC Cru: Well, uh, no.
NC Mrs. Jones: Why did I have you?! (He buries his face in shame with one hand; NC Cru’s lips start to quiver in sadness)
NC (voiceover): But speaking of futures, Duke Best drops by and offers Cru to join his team if he throws the big race.
Duke Best: You don’t understand! It’s the chance of a lifetime! (Cut to Cru getting out of Duke’s car in anger) You’ll regret it, I’m telling you! You’ll live to re—you’ll live! I’ll show you! Ohh, you’ll live.
NC (voiceover): I guess the idea behind this is that Duke already has Bart merchandise set up that he doesn’t want to go to waste, so he’d rather have Bart win instead of anybody else, but…really? You’d rather cheat than change a bunch of shirts? Wouldn’t it be more valuable to find an incredible rider to make more merchandise off of? I mean, in the long run, doesn’t that make more sense than just rigging the game?
Johnny 5 (from “Short Circuit 2”): No, Oscar! No!
NC (voiceover): Well, even though Cru turns him down, he still rigs the game by making it a rule that to enter the race, you need to be sponsored by a company. But wait a minute! His little sister is selling Cru T-shirts! Say, I bet if they sell enough of those things, they just might be able to get enough money to count as a sponsorship!
NC: But we need the help of the whole school in order to make that happen—
(Cut to Cru’s classmates in school lining up to volunteer and help out)
NC (voiceover): WHAAAA????!!
Male Classmate: I’m supposed to color the T-shirts.
NC (voiceover): So all the students try to make shirts to sell. They work as hard as they can, and—(the camera zooms in on a black female students helping dye the T-shirts) AHHH! A BLACK PERSON!!
NC: (makes the motion to shove her aside) TAKE HER OFF-SCREEN! TAKE HER OFF-SCREEN!
(The camera does move away from her)
NC: Whew! That’s a close one.
(Cut to Cru and his classmates trying to sell his T-shirts when the three main bikers pass by on their red convertible as bad villain music from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” plays out)
Rex: Well, how about that? Looks like the lonely yokel’s gonna race after all.
Rod: Well, how about that?
NC: (as one of the bikers, pretending to rest his arm on a car seat at shoulder level) Now if you will, Bart, crank that Tom Jones. (He pretends to turn on the radio and bops his head to the beat of "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones in the background)
NC (voiceover): So even though the shirts are selling like mad, it still looks like they’re not selling enough to qualify, which puts Cru in the non-rad mood.
Cru: Well, what a fool I was to not take Best’s offer. Everything else has been a joke.
Christian: Yesterday, you said you wouldn’t have tried it for anything.
Cru: You know, nothing can compete with money! I’m glad I learned that now.
Christian: I thought you were a man. (She gets up to leave in a huff)
NC: (as Christian) I thought we had something, like, special! But now I see something, like…NOT special!
NC (voiceover): So it turns out that Cru still needs thousands of dollars to enter the race.
NC: But, gee, the whole entire town would have to chip in in order for something like that to happen—(The townspeople line up to chip in and donate their money) WHAAAA??!!!
Sergeant Smith: (addresses to the townspeople at a meeting) Can I have a word here? I thought I heard it all until now. I watched these kids grow up. I’ve chased every one of them.
NC: (as Sergeant Smith) Why? …God, I have no idea, but I’m wearing shades, so you know I mean business.
Sergeant Smith: I think Cru and his friends have done something special. Real special.
NC: Wow, that’s half a degree more special than “Like, special.”
Sergeant Smith: If someone doesn’t see that Cru has this opportunity, well, I guess we’ll just all have to learn to…live with it.
NC: NO! Not live with it! Let’s give our money to those good old boys who are constantly chased by the law—wait, what was your argument?
NC (voiceover): So the town pulls out all their money and even Orville Redenbacher (Burton Timmer) contributes all he can to get Cru into the race. This, of course, leaves Cru to saying sorry to the “Full House” chick in probably the most laziest apology ever.
(At an ice cream shop, Cru takes Christian over to show her a picture of two pandas sharing an ice cream cone with each other)
Cru: Would you like to be my friend?
NC (voiceover): And I’m not kidding, that’s it. That’s the apology. There is no other dialogue. That…somehow actually manages to win her over! I’ve heard more fucking heartfelt speeches on bumper stickers!
NC Cru: Hey, listen. (NC Christian turns to look at him) What would Jesus do?
NC Christian: (pretends to flash NC Cru with his black jacket) Take me!
NC Cru: Okay.
NC (voiceover): So the big race is finally ready for action. I sure hope this means watching the same people go around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers.
(A starter’s pistol is fired)
Announcer: There’s the gun!
NC (voiceover): Oh, no! I was totally wrong! This is watching the same people around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers IN SLOW MOTION!!!
NC: By God, I never thought I would say this, but put on NASCAR!
(Cru then performs a back flip)
Announcer: Oh, my heart, a back flip! Hulk Hogan, eat your heart out!
NC: (utterly confused) He would if this was wrestling, but it’s not! It’s biking, so that makes no sense.
NC (voiceover): There is a catch, though. Duke tells two of the riders to trick Cru up so Bart can win. But—get this—Bart actually waits up so they can be more evil.
Announcer: Here is Taylor stopping. He wants Cru Jones one on one!
Optimus Prime (from 2007’s “Transformers”): (audio) It’s you and me, Megatron.
Megatron (from 2007’s “Transformers”): (audio) No, it’s just me, Prime!
NC (voiceover): But, of course, Cru ends up winning the day. (chuckles) I guess that whole “playing fair” thing really bit you in the ass, didn’t it, Bartman?
Cru: (to Bart) Looks like you’re out of a job, huh?
Bart: Yeah, well, you know, this isn’t the only game in town.
Wesley (Cru’s Sister): Now that we’re official, you think we have room for one more on the Rad team?
Cru’s Classmates: Good idea. Sounds good. Alright. Yeah.
Wesley: What a team!
(Cru and Bart lift up Bart’s bike in triumph before the movie freeze frames on it, ending the film before the end credits begin with shots of various bike stunts)
NC (voiceover): Really? That’s how you’re ending it? No interaction with your mother, no interaction with your girlfriend, just…that? I’ve had pieces of stale popcorn that left bigger impacts on me!
NC: Oh, wait; at least they’re giving us SOMETHING we haven’t seen before: MORE BIKE STUNTS!
(The end credits show just that)
NC (voiceover): Oh, please, tell me you hop around like a one-legged Chihuahua again AND the failure is complete!
NC: This movie’s complete anus!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): It follows every sports cliché in the book, the characters are stale, even the bike stunts get a little old after a while. The only thing that’s kind of cool are the crashes, which actually do look pretty realistic. But as you would guess, it’s not worth waiting through the rest of this ass to get to them. What else can you say about it except “’Rad’ is freakin’ bad!”
NC: And if you ever do come across a BMX biker, why don’t you go ahead and give him this movie? (He brings out the DVD box for “Rad”) I’m sure they need something to make their fucking bikes out of! (He slams the DVD box onto his desk) I’m the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Cru: Katie and I are, like, special.
(Cut to an outtake of NC eating a piece of sushi in a snotty manner; he spits out the piece of sushi onto his plate and coughs)
NC: Oh my God. (He covers his mouth to prevent from laughing) Never get sushi from Jewel.