RC: Hi, I'm the Rap Critic, and… look, I know pop songs are typically lazily-written, blatantly sexual, and just the lowest common denominator when it comes to portraying any sort of intelligence, but this is just… okay, let's start from the beginning
This is Kid Ink. His main attribute is that he has tattoos. Like, a lot of tattoos. Other than that, he, uh… look, he's the new version of whoever had a hit song last year, but didn't stick around long. For all intents and purposes, he's j-kwon version 10 for the year 2014.And if you don't remember who J-Kwon is, well, that's exactly my point. So, here's Kid Ink's 2014 reimagining of the 4,348th song about being in the club and wanting to have sex with a girl, but… in the assembly line of mediocre pop/rap songs, something happened in the process that made this particular product defective. and it starts with Chris Brown, who should be weaving one of those suggestive yet subtle pop song choruses that R and B singers are known for, right?
Chris: "Baby let me put your panties to the side (uh)"
RC: ….You know, that's romantic…
But seriously, wow, talk about cutting to the chase. You know, most songs usually have some some sort of build up to an explicit lyric, some set up of some kind. Jeez, even Enrique Igacias at least begged her pardon first *"Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude"* before saying, *"But tonight, I'm fucking you"* . But when you just kick off a song with "Baby lemme put your panties to the side" I can't help but feel like we skipped a few steps. It just seems a little contrary to the smooth R and B singer thing he's trying to pull off
Chris: "I'mma make you feel alright ‘Cause I'mma give you what you need, yeah"
RC: Okay, now we're back into the vague, obviously sexual but in no way descriptive style of songwriting that you guys are known for!
Chris: "Mami you remind me of something But I don’t know what it is (I don't know)"
….*amused, quick-off-and-back glance*
Chris: "You remind me of something (uh) But I don’t know what it is right now"
RC: …*chuckling* You've gotta be kidding me! Are you really gonna base the hook of this chorus around an unfinished pick up line?
Chris; "You remind me of something (uh) But I don’t know what it is right now"
RC: Don't try to act like this is some slick turn of phrase, you sound like you just couldn't read what the songwriters gave you on the note pad!
Chris: "Mami you remind me of something But I don’t know what it is (I don't know)"
RC: I don't know what… what is this trying to do?! Are you trying to pass off forgetfulness as sexy? You guys must think amnesia is downright titillating! no really, I wanna know the thought process behind this. Maybe, they realized how corny pick up line choruses were getting, especially after the whole bed rock debacle, and thought they could do a Seinfeld-type one up move by comparing her to… nothing. Nah, that sounds too existential. Was this, maybe… some sort of homage to that old R. Kelly song?
R. Kelly: "You remind me of something I just can't think of what it is"
RC: But wait, in THAT song, he immediately starts using comparisons
R. Kelly: "You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it Something like my sound, I wanna pump it"
RC: Sure, they're stupid comparisons, I mean, I don't think any woman wants to be compared to a jeep, if being compared to cars at all. I mean, if you were, why not something like a maserati, or a lamborghini, those are some sexy cars. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's an adult actress NAMED maserati, because that sounds cool. But, no girl would call herself a jeep. I mean look at this thing, it's bulky and asexual at best. You might as well call her a van. So, maybe they weren't referencing that song. Maybe this chorus was just completely improvised, and he just blurted out whatever came to mind first
R. Kelly: "Hands in the air, looking' for a bitch right now"
RC: Yeah, that would explain a lot.. But wait, I didn't let the chorus continue, maybe there's something in there I forgot about. What does he say after that line?
Chris: "Cause you remind me of something (uh) Girl you gotta show me (alright) *looks confused* You remind me of something (uh) But I don’t know what it is right now (I don't know) You remind me of something (uh) Girl you gotta show me"
RC: Wait, so that's what you were doing? That was your ace in the hole? Trying to turn your absentmindedness into the reason why she should have sex with you? Look, when I hear a song where someone's talking to a member of the opposite sex, I usually imagine what it would translate to in real life. And when I hear this, this is the only way it translates to me:
"Girl, you remind of... of something, but I don't remember what it was… so why don't you remind me… by having sex with me…
As far as I can imagine, there's just it, and you're not special. Keep going
Kidd Ink: Go on the floor like a doormat (uh) Baby you know where to throw that
RC: Wait… is that what she reminds him of, a doormat? Because she "goes on the floor"? Well, I hope not, because… calling a person a doormat, has… a bit of a negative connotation to it, so this can't be it, let's… keep going
Kid Ink: Uh, so tell me what your name is I don’t really care who you came with (no)
RC: Nope, he doesn't bring… really, now? Is that what you're going to say to her?
"So, girl, what's your name?" "Well, I'm Kiesha, I just came with my best friends…" "Haha, I don't care…"
Kid Ink: Unless you got a couple friends look like you
RC: "That is, unless of course, your friends are hot, because then I'll want to have sex with them, too… and… by openly telling you this, I'm assuming it won't be a problem, because, I mean, when has a girl ever been jealous when a guy tries to talk to other women?
Kid Ink: My bad if my ex try to fight you
Oh yeah…
RC: Okay, I'm sick of this, and the way he thinks chatting up girls at the bar works is not helping, but that chorus still frustrates me, so I want to get to the point: what is the thing that she reminds him of? I have to know
Kid Ink: You remind me of…
RC: Oh, here it is! Here's the thing she reminds him of! All will be revealed!
Kid Ink: You remind me of something missing Misses, you got my full attention
RC: So… she reminds him of… something missing, like in his life, which is a "mrs.", a spouse, a loving companion… WHAT A LOAD OF HORSE SHIT
So, this song was building up to him telling her she was wifey material? Oh, I'm sorry, maybe the fact that you were talking about pulling her panties to the side 2 minutes before you even asked what her freaking name was kinda threw me off!
This gets a 0 out of 5. It's crap. These lyrics are horrendously irredeemable, from the word go. The very first line of the chorus socks you with a bad taste in your mouth, and what follows are a bunch of lines that NO ONE would get away with in real life, so there's no connection you could make with it. The problem is that the way the chorus is written, with forgetting what he was going to say, sounds like it should have been played for laughs. But it's not. They wanted you to take that seriously as a slick pick-up line, There's nothing smooth about what he said, and there's nothing cool about it. It sounds like it was written by a bunch of jackasses who have no idea how human interaction works, and I just can't deal with it
I'm the Rap Critic: you don't have to like my opinion, but man, fuck this song...