(We do our usual opening, then cut to Nash's room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. A while back, I did an episode covering what happens when the people in authority shouldn't be trusted with...anything more complicated than chewing their own food. And sometimes not even that. But there is another side to that coin. What happens when people struggle against authority, not for their rights or their freedoms, but because they have decided that society must come together, united, and stand up, to hold their naked genitals over an open flame in a public park? (he cringes remembering the story) Yes, that actually happened. Look, sometimes the powers that be are incompetent or malicious, but sometimes they're not trying to hold people back, but so much as hold people back...from licking a blender set to puree. So, that's what we're looking at this week. And with that, it's time I present to you the What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Elaboration Orchestra. Take it away, Snoopy! (a youtube clip of a dog mashing on piano keys and howling is shown. Nash is silent, then looks to the camera) My budget is two non-refundable bottles and a book of greenback stamps. What do you want from me?
(We now go to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Rebellion". Crazy Stick Boy is standing to the left while Stick Boy looks over a sign saying Company Picnic -->)
Nash (vo): The urge to resist authority is deep seated and with good reason. (Stick Boy has a word bubble coming out which has a picture of a steak on the grill, a car, and Wal-Mart) Humans are social animals, and we are drawn to leadership to accomplish goals. (Crazy Stick Boy darts off) Rebelling is often a way of improving upon methods needed to obtain those goals. (5 Hours Later, Crazy Stick Boy comes back. Stick Boy yells at him with a picture of a steak, as well as some curses) Though, improvement is, of course, relative. (a braying donkey is wheeled in on a wagon...on fire) Often this process of fighting the power is taking the form of equity, fairness, and a better standard of living. But problems emerge when someone's idea of "better" is about as reasonable and sane as your average mid-season replacement. (Crazy Stick Boy is looking over a compicated panel, which has a big red button named Reactor Containment, about to push it) So while many of us chafe under the yoke of being told what not to do, (Stick Boy runs over frantically to get him not to push the button, sighing relief, then leaving) be assured that a lot of the time, it's preferrable to the alternative. (And CSB pushes the button any way, making a klaxon go off as he's engulfed in a radioactive explosion)
Nash: So, where do we start this rebellion against sanity? Well, the most obvious place would be an actual rebellion. But this one wasn't over race relations or income equality. It was over something much, much more serious: shoes.
(The report is titled "Police in riot gear break up shoe melee at Florida mall")
Nash (vo): And where else but Florida? Yes, in Orlando, when word got out that Nike would be releasing a special NBA limited edition glow-in-the-dark shoe, hundreds of people converged on the mall housing the local Foot Locker. And when it was revealed that, no, they did not in fact have this modern marvel of bad taste available, deputies in riot gear were required to shut the crowd down.
Nash: (cringing) And, oh god, it gets better. We got video. (clips are shown of the riot in question) It's a shoe! It's a fucking shoe! These people defied police, rushed the mall, caused property damage and risked arrest...for a shoe.. (a picture of the shoes in question appear below Nash) that glows in the dark! (the picture disappears) Men and women throughout history have braved authority in the name of injustice or liberty, or just to be treated like a human being. But no no, no, today our ire can be stirred by nothing less than glowing sneakers! And the first one of you to point out that this was also a "limited edition" shoe gets a homework assignment. I want you to go and look up all the synonyms of disappointment. I'm going to need them. Up next, we're off to Madison, Wisconson. You know, Joseph Michael Linsner once said, "The oppressed love their oppressors and long to be like them." This next story is likely not what he meant.
(The report is titled "Man charged after cooking own meal at Denny's")
Nash (vo): James Summers strolled Madison Denny's with a tie and a briefcase and informed the staff that he was the new General Manager. And before you can say "corporate restructure," Summers proceded to walk into the kitchen and cook himself lunch. If you've already guessed that Summers wasn't employed by Denny's, and that his briefcase actually contained crack pipes and a stun gun, then you've watched this show too much.
(The Chicken Dance comes on)
Nash: And it's time to do the math. This (a Denny's commercial), plus this (a clip of the movie Jungle Fever), equals fucking this! (Now we get a clip of the video for the ELO song, "Confusion") I'm sure we've all had the desire to stick it to the man in our own small ways, but usually there's a point to acting out in such a manner. If the purpose of your articles of rebellion is to get a free meal out of Denny's, ask yourself two questions: One, can I, perhaps, channel my efforts in a more constructive manner? And two, am I on crack? In fact, I condensed that one a little bit. DON'T! SMOKE! CRACK! (and a clip of an anti-drug commercial with Pee-Wee Herman saying "It isn't worth it.") But what happens when you actually are employed by a company and have a problem with their procedures or policies? Well, traditionally the recourse is everything from whistleblowing to work stoppages, but our next story adds a new tactic: a conniption fit!
(The report is titled "American Airlines Flight Sent Back To Gate After Flight Attendant Rants Over PA About Crashing")
Nash (vo): American Airlines Flight 2332 was all set to leave Chicago when passengers were informed by the flight attendant that they were returning to the gate due to technical difficulties. That's when another flight attendant hopped on the speaker and announced that, no, they were indeed preparing for takeoff.
Nash: Okay, I have to pause here because this has to be added.
(A clip from Airplane! is shown)
Male intercom voice: There's never stopping at a white zone.
Female intercom voice: Don't tell me which zone is for stopping and which zone is for loading.
Male intercom voice: Listen, Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.
(Back to the report)
Nash (vo): What followed was the first flight attendant proceding to pull a William Shatner, or John Lithgow if you prefer the movie, and freak the fuck out! Insisting the plane was destined to crash, until she had to be restrained, kicking and screaming all the way! Did I mention the whole time, she was still on the PA system?
(A plane is shown taking off)
Flight Tower: Uh, attention flight, you are cleared for takeoff.
Flight attendant: Oh my god, we're all gonna crash, and die and burn, and the babies! The babies will be burning, oh my goooood!
Flight Tower: Rrrroger, that's Flight Burning Babies cleared for Runway Fiery Death. Over.
Nash: Recycled joke? Maybe, but recycling is good for the earth. Back to the story. What the fuck is wrong with you, lady!? I have no earthly idea what happened here. Drugs? Psychotic break? Reality show? All three? I don't know, but I do know this. When and if someone hops on the PA and starts spouting apocalyptic bullshit to a sardine can full of scared and frightened people with no other option than stampede...CUT! THE MIKE! Fucksake, Bill O'Reily has made a career out of it! Well, next up it's back to Florida for a tale of youth in revolt. Young people are known to lash out at authority in ways both large and small, but usually they don't usually put evidence of their actions on the internet. (he can barely keep a chuckle in) Okay, who am I kidding? Yeah, yeah they do.
(The report is titled "Broward Facebook suspect won't 'like' this")
Nash (vo): 21-year old Steven Moholl decided to strike out at the man by...stealing the nameplate off a judge's office. Relatively harmless, right? Well, it would have been had he not decided to take pictures of himself holding the stolen sign, and slap it on Facebook. And due to Stevie's prior convictions, this act of petty theft was bumped up to a full blown felony. Wonder how many of his Facebook friends he'll meet up with in prison?
Nash: Yyeaahh, um, if you're gonna strike a blow for your generation, you might wanna take a moment to read the sign you're about to steal. But hey, why stop at one? I'm sure there were other potential signs you could have taken. Um, lemme give you some examples. Um, here's one. (a picture of a sign saying "Caution: This sign has sharp edges. Do not touch the edges of this sign.") Uh, here's another. (now a sign saying "Don't even think about doing anything stupid. 24 hour surveillance.") Oh, here's a really good one! (and a sign saying "Don't be stupid.") Oh, oh, and of course, this one. (This sign is a biohazard sign that says "Danger of infection. Proximity of this person could make you stupid. Do not allow contact with eyes, mouth or brain." Also on the sign is a LOL face) And of course, uh, yeah. But that doesn't speak to the idiocy of putting it on Facebook. Uh, you know, Tara and I have talked about this, and uh, we feel sorry for this generation. See, when we were younger, any pictures of us doing something potentially stupid weren't digital. And most have thankfully been lost to history. But now, anytime someone lights a fart on fire and takes a picture of it, they put it right up on Flickr! As a result, in 20 years time, you will all be intimately familiar with the exact shape, size and color of the President's genitals. Thanks, internet! (mock saluting) Now it's time for the grand finale, by which I mean I have covered my inbox in asbestos.
(A clip of KONY 2012 showing Joseph Kony's atrocities)
Nash (vo): Many of you forwarded the highly popular viral video, KONY 2012 to every single fucking person on your friends list in an attempt to stand up to an oppressive dictator.
(The report is titled "Invisible Children Co-Founder Detained: SDPD")
Nash (vo): Well, the sequel is not quite inspiring, but it's definitely every bit as viral. Invisible Children co-founder Jason Russell was...fully visible. By which I mean naked! (A TMZ clip is shown of him doing naked shenanigans) In public! Playing with himself! And fucking up cars! Keep those donations coming!
Nash: Okay, here we go. First of all, his representative claimed he was suffering from a mix of dehydration and exhaustion. If that sounds familiar, it's the exact same spiel they use for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, and countless other celbrities who have been caught fucking up in public. And I must say, if being really tired and super thirsty is linked to being naked on a street corner fucking up a Honda, I propose a National Juice and Naptime Policy pronto! (shown with a picture of an American flag with juice in the left corner and a sleeping dog and baby in the right corner) Next, after this happened, I noticed people on Twitter immediately rushing to the man's defense. Not because of the man, but because of his cause. This worried me. The guy is not his cause. Just because he did something incredibly stupid does not mean the effort he helped champion was bad. Put simply, saving children (he pushes to his right) , over here. Crazy naked man, over here (pushes to his left). Children here (to the right), crazy naked over here (pushes left). You can't seperate the two in your mind, for one thing, you should really question why you're supporting the cause in the first place. For another, that combines crazy naked men and children in your mind... (a picture of Patrick Stewart with eyes shut with DO NOT WANT in the bottom) Ugh. No good can come of that! Now for my own personal experiences with authority and rebellion, over the time I've been doing this stuff, it keeps getting hard to come up with new ways to rage over the same old stupidity. And everytime I work on one of these, I try to keep it fresh and innovative. This is probably why it's a good thing our Channel Awesome producer, Holly, is there to keep an eye on me when innovation borders on the gaping maw of madness.
(The Trololo song plays as the word Examples comes up. First up is Nash looking at the IMDb page of Michael Bay. He takes out a can of WD-40 and a needle)
(Nash is holding a cookbook in one hand and a cat yowling in a bag in the other)
(Nash has a fork in one hand and a hairblower in the other. Just as he's about to put the fork in the hairblower...)
Holly: (reading a magazine) Whatever it is you're thinking, no. (that makes him stop. Next shot has Holly doing a crossword puzzle) Uh, do you know a, uh, four-letter word for dumbass?
(Nash has Stick Boy on a catapult and is about to push the button to launch him when...)
Holly: Goddamn it Nash, no!
Nash: But it's just Stick Boy!
Holly: Oh, uh, carry on then.
Nash: Yay! (he pushes the button and Stick Boy is catapulted, screaming. Next shot is of the NASA Space Station. Nash is looking to break into a door titled "NASA Employees Only. No unauthorized access. Seriously." Record scratch!)
Nash: But I was--
Holly: I've got a lot of work here to take care of, and I have a lot of you crazy nitwits with camcorders wandering around to keep track of! Just do me a favor. (praying) Please, make my job easier. If it involves breaking the laws of Man or God, DON'T DO IT!
Nash: (defeated) Okayyy...
Holly: Sound off like you got a pair, son!
Nash: Okay, Miss Holly, ma'am!
Holly: Good boy!
(Nash walks back to his room)
Nash: Damn it! That puts me in a box! "Can't break the laws of Man! Can't break the laws of God!" (lightbulb) Waitasecond. She didn't say anything about the laws of science!
(George Thoroughgood's "Bad to the Bone' plays as we get a look at a golf cart with a skull on the front, an extra battery powered motor in the back, crackling with electricity. Nash gets into the driver's seat)
Nash: (thinking) Wait, what was the point of this again? Oh well, fuck it! Science! (the golf cart speeds up faster than it should and then crashing is heard. Nash is now in pain.) Oooww...!
Final quip: There were conspiracy theories that Kony arranged for Jason Russell to be doped with LSD. Can't make this crap up.
(After the Channel Awesome logo, Stick Boy now lands in Obscurus Lupa's room)
Lupa: Oh no you don't! No no no, we talked about this! Ash! The flamethrower!
(Ash is a cat with a flamethrower)
Ash: Flamethrower, yeah!
(Stick Boy then gets roasted)
Lupa: Yeah! I keep my promises, don't I? It's nice when people come to visit.