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Red Sonja

NC Red Sonja by MaroBot

Released
May 05, 2009
Running time
21:44
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NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako ... and why you DON'T want to mess with him.

NC (Voiceover): Mako apparently was a very popular sort-of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I never heard of; Samurai Jack, which I never saw; and played Akiro the Wizard in "Conan," which I barely remember.

NC: So as you can tell, I barely know who this guy is. But apparently, a lot you DO, and were not very pleased when I made fun of his voice in the TMNT movie. I remember it like it was yesterday.

(Starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on the Critic)

NC: OK, maybe I don't remember it like it was yesterday, but I have a clip.

[Cut to the clip from the TMNT review]

Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers...

NC: (buries his face in disbelief) Oh, God, what did they do to Splinter's voice?

NC (voiceover): He sounds like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros.

[Cut back to the present]

NC: Hehehehehe. Marlboros. Well, a lot of people took this the wrong way, thinking that I was making fun of the actor himself, sending me emails like:

Each comment is shown on screen

NC: (Voiceover) ... "You don't mess with Mako, motherfucker." "Leave Mako alone. He is the man." and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako."

NC: Well, there goes a 1-year anniversary surprise. The fact is I don't hate Mako because I don't KNOW Mako. I know nothing about Mako. I just thought that the voice was a little different compared to the other Splinters that I've heard before. I mean, geez. You act like the guy died or some--

A picture of Mako is shown with captions below saying Mako 1933-2006

NC: (Voiceover) GOD DAMN-IT!

NC: Ok Ok. So, just a recap, I don't hate Mako, I don't know Mako, so logically, I can't hate someone I don't know. (Beat) Especially when he's dead; That makes it very difficult. So, no disrespect. I apologize. Let's move on. (Long pause) Boy, how am I gonna segue out of that? Oh! Wait a minute. Mako was in "Conan ." "Conan " starred Arnold Schwarzzeneger. Arnold Schwarzzeneger was in a horrible Conan ripoff that was known as "Red Sonja"!

(The title screen for “Red Sonja” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): Just when you thought Barbarian roleplaying was restricted to the bedroom, “Red Sonja” dares to show us that half-naked people in loincloths is not only fashionable but highly cost effective. A shame it doesn’t have a well-developed story to go along with it. This is another one of those classic bad movies that everyone seems to talk about, but why? Is it really so bad that it even deserves mentioning?

NC: Well, grab a potion of pretentiousness and let’s find out.

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So it starts out with a young Sonja being played by Brigitte Nielsen as we see her lying unconscious with her house on fire. But then she wakes up to find a mystical…unfinished special effect who tells her about her woes.

Spirit: Sonja! You are suffering, Sonja.

NC: Fairy Godmother?

Spirit: But vengeance shall be yours.

NC: Whoa! A fairy godmother who kicks ASS!

Spirit: Vengeance on Queen Gedren, who wanted you for herself.

(NC’s finger is flicked upward to represent the erection symbol)

Spirit: Your disgust was clear. (In a flashback, Sonja strikes a blow into Gedren’s face; the flashback continues as the Spirit describes it) And so it was that Gedren ordered your family murdered. Your body violated by her soldiers.

NC: Am I the only one that finds it weird that a woman is explaining what happened to the person that it just happened to? I mean, she just went through all this! Why does she have to be reminded?

Spirit: Queen Gedren wanted you for herself.

NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Yeah, I know. This all happened, like, a minute ago.

Spirit: Your disgust was clear.

NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Yeah, uh-huh, I know all of this.

Spirit: Gedren ordered your family murdered.

NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Well, kind of a painful memory, really.

Spirit: Your body violated by her soldiers.

NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Oh, thanks for bringing that up.

Spirit: But in your quest for justice and vengeance, you will need great strength.

NC: Well, I’m certainly not gonna get it from this pep talk!

NC (voiceover): So—I’m not kidding—the mystical fairy waves her magic wand so that Sonja can possess a great amount of strength.

NC: And maybe, just maybe, turn into a real boy.

(A Photoshopped image of Disney’s Pinocchio with Sonja’s head superimposed his is shown, followed by a clip from “Pinnochio” of Gepetto and Pinocchio dancing with Sonja’s head placed over Pinnochio’s head)

NC (voiceover): So if you’re like me, you’re probably wondering: Who the hell was this spirit? Where did she come from? Why does she want to help Sonja out so bad?

NC: Like most bad movies, they decide not to tell us. So really, you can put anything there and it would make just about as much sense. You could put Ronald McDonald in that position and it’d be just as logically satisfying! (Ronald McDonald is placed over the Spirit briefly)

Ronald McDonald (from a McDonald’s commercial): Try once more, just for me.

Grimace (from a McDonald’s commercial): (audio) And me?

Hamburglar (from a McDonald’s commercial): (audio) Rubble me?

NC (voiceover): So we cut to years in the future as we see the ancient order of silly hats is planning to do away with an evil power that mankind cannot control.

High Priestess: Where is the Lord of Lukenya?

Priestess: He has not come, Highness.

High Priestess: He should be here for the destruction of the talisman. But we cannot delay. We will proceed without him.

NC (voiceover): (as the High Priestess) And take those ridiculous things off!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So we see the priestesses as they get rid of the evil talisman which seems to be shaped like a radioactive booger. But Castle Anthrax is under attack, as the evil Queen Gedren surrounds the castle with her soldiers.

High Priestess: O God of Gods, it has become too powerful for us. And we must destroy it before it destroys the world.

NC (voiceover): (as the High Priestess) I’m sure absolutely nothing will stop this ceremony, so let me proceed as slowly as possible, showing how confident I am that we are about to destroy this evil power. In fact, I feel like it’s gone already. Remember that evil power? That was so long ago—(Ikol throws a ninja star at the High Priestess in the chest) Shitcakes!

(Gedren’s soldiers burst through the doors)

NC (voiceover): So the soldiers enter the castle, killing off all the priestesses protecting the glowing sour Skittle. But Gedren wants to be sure she has the right mystical power of doom, so she tests it out.

Queen Gedren: (to a male soldier) Touch it. (The soldier slowly places a hand on the talisman before he disappears in a flash; she gasps)

NC: My God! It jump cuts people out of existence!

Gedren: (to a female soldier) Touch it.

NC: (as the soldier, reaching a hand out but then thinks about it and stops) No.

Gedren: Touch it!

(The female soldier places both hands on it, and nothing happens)

Gedren: (laughs) So it is true. Only women may touch it.

(Cut to the talisman being placed in a cone-shaped cage before it gets taken away)

Male Soldier: Take it out.

NC (voiceover): You know, I’m very uncomfortable with these choices of words. “Only women may touch it.” “Take it out.” “She wants her for herself.” If I just heard the audio to this, I’d swear I was listening to a medieval porno! By the way, does this guy in the picket-fence hat (Ikol) look familiar to you?

Arnold Toht (from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”): (raises his hand to reveal a scar symbol in the palm) Heil Hitler.

NC (voiceover): That’s right! It’s the Gestapo guy from “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And yes, he always has that face. I beginning to think he was born with it. (A Photoshopped image of a baby with Ronald Lacey’s head superimposed over the baby’s head is shown) Sliminess like that can’t be created. (Back to the movie) So anyway, one of the women runs away as the soldiers chase her down. But she’s suddenly approached by, guess who?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: (audio, dubs over Lord Kalidor) Put that cookie down!

(The woman (named Varna) slides down a rope across a large crevice to the other side)

NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, the soldiers shoot the woman in the back as Arnold catches her.

(Kalidor carries Varna to safety while thrilling music continues playing)

NC (voiceover): OK, you can tone down the music, guys. He’s just carrying her. It’s not very exciting.

(After setting Varna down, Kalidor pulls out his sword to fight the soldiers, this time with no musical score in the background)

NC (voiceover): Oh, wh—you can bring the music back now! It’s a fight scene! Hello? I—never mind. Let’s just see what She-Ra has to say.

Varna: (struggles to speak) Must…destroy the talisman. We must find my sister. Take me. I know where she is. Please.

NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor) Sorry, I totally blanked. What was that?

NC (voiceover): (normal) So Arnold is told to find Sonja, who lives in the training grounds of—(Sonja’s Master is shown for the first time in an extravagant costume design) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Master: You have nothing more to learn, Red Sonja.

NC: I didn’t know Ewoks had Geishas.

NC (voiceover): (speaks like Mako, dubbing over Master) I shall be your Gandalf for the evening.

Master: You must learn to like men a little better.

NC: (laughs) Come on, how can she take him seriously without snickering?

Master: But in life, all is not swordplay.

NC: (holds in his snickering) Yep.

Master: Hatred of men in a lovely young woman.

NC: (snickers) Okay.

Master: It could be your downfall.

NC: (snickers) Alright, keep going.

Master: That would have been music to my ears thirty years ago.

NC: (bursts out in laughter a bit but stops) Sorry, sorry, keep going.

NC (voiceover): Look at his wing-span. He’s making Queen Amidala’s clothes look subtle.

Master: I know.

NC (voiceover): So Master Overkill tells Sonja that she can take one weapon as a gift for being such a good student, and it turns out one sword seems to be calling her name…literally.

Sword: (voice) Sonja. Sonja.

(Sonja pulls out a sword and holds it in a dramatic pose)

NC: Oh, a singing sword as the ancient mythology of Bugs Bunny cartoons.

(A clip from the Bugs Bunny cartoon “Knighty Knight Bugs” is shown with Bugs trying to handle a singing sword with a mind of its own)

NC (Voiceover): So Arnold approaches the training grounds through the…mystical god taking a dump, as he informs Red Sonja that her sister is dying, and that she only has moments to speak to her.

Varna: You must destroy the talisman, Sonja. Send it into darkness. Swear that you will.

Sonja: I swear.

(Varna dies before Kalidor steps in to place a hand on Sonja’s shoulder as she quietly sobs)

Kalidor: She’s dead.

NC: Thank you, Captain Obvious! If I get hit by an arrow, you’d be sure to tell me, right?

NC (voiceover): So Sonja decides to set out and destroy the evil talisman, which apparently is very easy to locate.

(In the distance, a large cloud causes thunderclaps and numerous lightning bolts)

Sonja: Someone is using the talisman.

NC: No, I think Wile E. Coyote’s storm machine just backfired again.

NC (voiceover): Arnold tries to come along with Sonja, but she declares that she needs no man to help her out.

Sonja: It’s no business of yours, and neither am I.

Kalidor: You may be wrong on both counts. I know you’re a brave girl, but danger is my trade.

Sonja: Then I’ll learn it by myself.

NC: Oh, God! Watching these people try to act is like trying to watch a mute person trying to teach another mute person how to talk.

NC (voiceover): We then come across a young prince you may also recognize from another movie.

Prince Tarn: I refuse to surrender.

Johnny (from “Surf Ninjas”): One suit, dudes!

NC (voiceover): That’s right; it’s the star of “Surf Ninjas.”

NC: Wow. I’m really amazed at how…un-amazing these cameos are.

Falkon (Tarn’s servant): Quickly come. Come to me.

Prince Tarn: Too slippery! Do you want me to fall in that boiling mud?

NC: Don’t worry. Just take the advice that you gave in your other movie.

Johnny (from “Surf Ninjas”): Remember, bend your knees. Use your arms.

(NC gives a thumbs-up with a “Ding!” sound)

NC (voiceover): So it turns out the prince is a spoiled brat of a destroyed kingdom, who’s always followed by his helper named Falkon. What’s the prince’s name, you may ask?

Falkon: His royal highness, the Prince Tarn.

NC: (misinterprets) Prince TARD??? That’s not very P.C., is it?

NC (voiceover): Sonja questions the prince to find out who destroyed his kingdom.

Sonja: What happened?

Falkon: What happened? Queen Gedren attacked us is what happened.

Sonja: Gedren? Queen Gedren?

NC: (mocks Sonja’s unconvincing delivery) I’m acting.

NC (voiceover): So she continues on her quest as the prince decides to tag along. She comes across a group of warriors who get pretty upset when their leader doesn’t let her pass and she stabs him in the chest. That’s usually not a good ice breaker. But Arnold is there to help her out.

Kalidor: Get away! Get away! Go!

Sonja: What about you?

Kalidor: I can hold them. (He approaches the soldiers on his horse)

NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor) Ahhh! Help me! I cannot hold them!

NC (voiceover): (normal) Meanwhile, we cut to the evil fortress of Queen Gedren where we see her get ready to set up the talisman and use its awesome power for the forces of evil. (Cut to a large room immensely filled with candles) Like candles, much?

Wizard: Enemies are approaching the outer empire.

(Queen Gedren begins her long way down a hallway)

NC (voiceover): Okay. (Beat) Uh-huh. (Beat) Walking. (Beat) Still walking. (Gedren turns to enter her throne room) Entering a room rented out from Castle Grayskull. (Gedren walks to the steps leading up to the throne) Wow! I’m so glad they showed us the long walk to the throne; otherwise, I never would have figured out how she got there!

NC: (sarcastically) I just assume it was magic!

NC (voiceover): So she calls upon her sorcerer—who I swear is Wizzo from “The Bozo Show”—who asks him to show her the enemies that are coming her way.

(On a magic screen, we see a nude woman doing a sultry dance (with a censor bar placed over her torso by NC); NC looks very confused at what he sees; after the dance ends, the screen changes to a view of Sonja and her party approaching)

NC: Boy, I’ve…never seen a poorer excuse to have nudity in a film outside of a porno!

NC (voiceover): I mean, what the hell was that? Were they really so desperate for a titty shot that they had to just throw it randomly into the middle of the movie? Are there just no adult theaters in this fantasy world?

Queen Gedren: (gasps and stands up) That girl!

Ikol: Shall I send out a small ambush party?

Queen Gedren: No. We’ll wait ‘til they get a little closer.

NC: (as Queen Gedren, rubs his chin) It makes me seem…stupider that way.

NC (voiceover): So Sonja finally gets to the boundaries of the evil world.

(A shot of a pleasant valley appearing opposite of the dark, evil valley (separated by a crevice) is shown)

NC (voiceover): Wow, subtle. It’s like “Home and Gardens” outside of Mordor.

Sonja: Berkubane, the land of perpetual night.

Prince Tarn: Falkon, proclaim my arrival.

Sonja: Oh, keep quiet.

NC: Come on! That Prince of Tards is a better actor than you, and he’s only, like, five!

NC (voiceover): So they cross the bones of a giant decomposing rhino. (Beat) Whatever. As Sonja tries to teach the young prince a lesson in manners.

Prince Tarn: I was disarmed by those ruffians the other day.

Sonja: I noticed, so it needn’t be fatal. I am disarmed. Kill me. Come on.

NC: PLEASE DO!!

(Prince Tarn does a martial arts yell before jumping up to kick Sonja, but she flips him down to the ground; freeze-frame on Tarn on the ground as the caption “Epic Fail!” appears and a mocking “Wah-wah” is heard in the background)

Sonja: Simple, isn’t it? But it’s not in the rule book. You see, fencing and fighting are two different things.

NC: As well as acting and looking pretty.

NC (voiceover): After the prince finally asks nicely, Sonja agrees to teach him in the art of self-defense.

(Sonja stands behind Tarn to help hold out his sword against his body)

Sonja: You were disarmed because you hold the hilt too tight. Grip gently. See?

Prince Tarn: Gently. I see. Like this?

(NC’s forefinger lifts up again, representing the erection symbol)

Sonja: Your Highness learns fast.

NC (voiceover): So we move onto the next level—I mean, location, where they discover a monster that’s lurking in the water. (Beat) Oh, God, is that fake. Come on, I’ve seen better effects from the octopus in the “Popeye” movie!

(A clip of Olive Oyl from the live-action “Popeye” movie is shown screaming while trying to fight off the octopus)

NC (voiceover): As hope looks bleak against this mechanical sock puppet, we get our visit from an old familiar face.

(Kalidor appears)

NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor) Hello! I’m still in this movie!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So Arnold jumps into the water and tries to save the day.

(Kalidor rides on the back of the monster for a long time)

NC (voiceover): OK, I think we spent WAY too much time watching Arnold ride this thing. I don’t even think he’s really fighting it. I think he’s just enjoying the ride.

NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor, who’s riding the monster’s back) WHEEEEEEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!

Kalidor: I can’t kill it! It’s a machine!

NC: (shrugs in utter confusion) …Oh, yeah, because they always had robotic mechanical machines in barbaric times! Where’d they get that thing made? Ye Olde RadioShack? (A Photoshopped image of a cave opening with the RadioShack sign appearing above it is shown briefly)

Kalidor: Sonja, we have to blind it! It’s our only chance!

NC (voiceover): Yes, because as we all know, robots see out of their eyes. What sense does that make? Does it also scream like a banshee if you nailed it in the mechanical groin? I mean, why build it that way?

(After one of the monster’s eyes is removed with Sonja’s dagger, we hear the sound of a screaming banshee dubbed over the monster)

NC (voiceover): So they escape the monster and continue on their quest. But Arnold’s sword is extending for Sonja as we partake in a love scene which I like to call “Love and the Duelling Accents.”

Sonja: No man may have me unless he has beaten me in a fair fight.

Kalidor: So the only man that can have you is one who has tried to kill you. That’s logic.

NC: Hey, Arnold’s pointing out the plot holes.

(Cut to Sonja lying on the ground and Kalidor pulling out her sword from her scabbard, encouraging her to duel)

Sonja: Don’t be a fool. I don’t want to kill you.

NC: (as Sonja) Besides, my heart will always belong to Flavor Flav.

NC (voiceover): So they fight, I guess—as most couples do—as the little prince observes the commotion.

NC (voiceover): (as Prince Tarn) What the hell did I miss?

(Prince Tarn gets behind Kalidor and jumps on him, punching him while making martial art yells before Kalidor grabs him and holds him up high)

NC: (as Kalidor) I will eat you, child! Tonight I dine on Chinese! (He babbles with his tongue sticking out)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, apparently, Arnold is so strong, he needs a string to hold the child up. (A green arrow points to a guy-wire holding up Prince Tarn) Either that, or he’s just been a puppet the whole time. Either one wouldn’t surprise me.

(As Kalidor and Sonja continue their swordfight, Tarn does some fighting stances with a sword in one spot)

NC: Man, even the kid’s choreography is better than those two. They should’ve made the movie about that pipsqueak!

NC (voiceover): So they both tire out, lay next to a tree and…

(Cut to the evil fortress with Sonja and her party viewing it from a distance in the mountains)

Sonja: Gedren’s army.

NC (voiceover): What? What happened? Did they just give up? Who won? Did they make whoopee afterwards? Are they a couple now? Do they still hate each other? Okay, screw it. So they get to the evil fortress where apparently the evil talisman is held.

(A full exterior shot of the fortress is shown)

Patsy (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): (audio) It’s only a model.

NC (voiceover): They quickly have to decide who will stand guard outside in case any of them are spotted.

Sonja: Who will stand guard this doorway, the post of danger? Falkon?

Falkon: Me? Here? I don’t know what’s coming out that door. No, I am going up.

Kalidor: I’ll take my chances in there.

Sonja: And I have to go in.

(A long pause occurs as Sonja and Kalidor look at Prince Tarn)

NC: It’s you, you dork! Get a fucking hint!

Prince Tarn: I’ll stay.

NC: (sarcastic) Oh, would you?

NC (voiceover): By the way, is it me, or does that giant circular doorway look vaguely familiar?

(The logo with NC’s smiling face used for TGWTG.com is shown on top of the doorway along with an audio snippet of the Looney Tune’s theme music; cut to the inside the castle, which begins to crumble a little bit)

NC (voiceover): Inside, the queen and her evil Lacey discuss why and how they see that they suddenly lost control of the talisman.

Ikol: O God, Majesty, what do you want?

Queen Gedren: The world, Ikol! Today we took another piece of the city of Toktyl.

Ikol: There will be no world. (He turns to quickly leave) There will be no world. There will be no world!

(Queen Gedren makes an evil laugh to herself after Ikol leaves)

NC: (as Queen Gedren, chuckles) “There will be no world.” I just got it.

NC (voiceover): So our heroes are sneaking around trying to find a way in when suddenly…

(Falkon drops through a hole in the floor and into a dining hall, falling onto the table that Gedren’s soldiers are dining on)

NC: Oh, hey, someone just slid down the trapdoor from the outside and into the dining room. (Beat) Why did we install it again?

NC (voiceover): So our heroes fight off the soldiers as we see our young prince duke it out with Gestapo Slimy.

(As Ikol tries to get away through the rolling doorway, he ends up falling and screams as he is about to get crushed by the doorway)

NC: Look out! He’s gonna be crushed by the Looney Tunes logo!

Porky Pig: (audio) Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!

NC (voiceover): So Sonja finally reaches the queen as…

Sonja: GEDREN! WHERE ARE YOU?!

NC: (laughs) What the hell was that?

Sonja: WHERE ARE YOU?!

NC: (mocks Sonja’s facial expression) WHERE ARE YOU?!

Sonja: WHERE ARE YOU?!

NC: (mocks Sonja’s facial expression) Are you over there, or over there?

Sonja: WHERE ARE YOU?!

NC (voiceover): So the prince and Sonja meet up with the queen as Sonja tells the prince to run for cover.

Sonja: Prince, get Kalidor and Falkon.

(Queen Gedren blocks Prince Tarn’s way with her sword)

NC (voiceover): (as Queen Gedren) Ha-ha!

Sonja: There’s a way behind the throne.

NC (voiceover): (as Queen Gedren) Oh, wait, don’t do that. Make him come back! I don’t want to actually have to chase him.

Sonja: (to Queen Gedren) You slaughtered my parents like cattle. My brother, my sister!

NC: (as Sonja) My uncle, my grandpa, my goldfish, my Chia Pet! My Goddamn Chia Pet!

NC (voiceover): But it turns out the queen has magic on her side.

(As Sonja tries to attack Queen Gedren, Gedren disappears before Sonja could strike and appears in a different part of the room in a jump cut)

NC: (as Queen Gedren) Ha-ha! I slipped the editor an extra fifty! Now I can jump cut wherever I want! (He laughs evilly)

(A couple scenes of Queen Gedren disappearing before Sonja could strike and appearing in another location in a jump cut are shown)

NC (voiceover): Okay, seriously, knock it off! It’s not a good effect! Geez, this woman teleports more than Ganon from “The Legend of Zelda.”

(A clip of Ganon from the “Legend of Zelda” cartoon teleporting sporadically throughout his throne room is shown)

NC (voiceover): But it turns out the wizard is also getting his strengths.

(The Wizard makes a slice onto something on his lab table; every slice he makes causes an injury onto Sonja; she soon spots him)

NC (voiceover): (as the Wizard) Uh-oh, she spotted me. I guess I should stab her again. (Sonja approaches the Wizard) I guess I should stab her again. (Beat) I guess I should stab her again. (Sonja knocks down the hanging lab table with her sword) I guess I should stab her—(speaks normally) Okay, what is with these morons?! Do you have short term memory loss?!

(Sonja slices off the Wizard’s head)

NC (voiceover): (as the Wizard) Now I’ll never lead the grand march.

NC (voiceover): (normal) So they (Sonja and Gedren) enter into the candle room where they have their big final battle.

(Sonja breaks off the top half of Gedren’s sword before stabbing her in the chest)

NC (voiceover): (as Gedren) Huh, how strangely anticlimactic. Goodbye!

(Queen Gedren falls into an open chasm (caused by the collapsing castle) and into a river of molten lava)

NC: (as Queen Gedren) Remember me as a horrible blue-screen effect!

NC (voiceover): (as Sonja, who takes the talisman and throws it down into the chasm) And take your magic jawbreaker with you!

(The talisman explodes upon impact in the molten lava)

NC (voiceover): (normal) So our heroes have to escape the fortress before it all comes crumbling down.

Sonja: (as a door pins her down) I can’t get through.

NC: (as Sonja) Damn my large heaving breasts.

NC (voiceover): I especially love this scene where Arnold holds up the falling rubble so that they can pass, but look after it falls.

(Kalidor removes himself from the rubble before it all falls down behind him; a green arrow points to the open space above the fallen rubble)

NC (voiceover): You can hopscotch over that!

(The fortress starts to explode before we see our heroes escape from it, though the fortress and our heroes are not in the same shot)

NC (voiceover): (as the heroes) Quick! Run away from…nothing.

NC (voiceover): So the queen is destroyed, the prince is still a brat, and our two actors can’t act, and they all live happily ever after.

NC: So, was this film really as bad as some people make it out to be? Reportedly, Arnold Schwarzenegger used to joke that he would torture people by showing this movie over and over and over. So is it really that bad?

(Clips from the movie are shown again as NC speaks)

NC (Voiceover): Well, it’s definitely bad, but it’s certainly not the worst. In my opinion, Arnold has certainly made much worse films, so I don’t really get why this one’s so special.

NC: But I can’t lie. It is definitely a bad movie, and when your actress playing the main character who looks like this (an image of Sonja is shown) is married to someone who looks like this (an image of Flavor Flav is shown), yeah, you’re gonna be in deep fucking trouble. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)

THE END

PS-I’m watching “Sand Pebbles” so shut up!


Admin's note: This is not a complete guide. Finish it.

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