(We do our usual opening, then come to Nash in his room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Let me ask you folks something. Have you ever made a longshot bet and lost? Or said something in the heat of the moment that you wish you could take back? Or voted libertarian? If you have, then you know the stinging pain of regret. Now that's not to say regret is always a bad thing. The very act of wishing we could've done something different gives us a mean to measure our past actions and repeating them. 'Cept there is one segment of humankind who live by the motto, "if at first you don't succeed, go and fuck a horse." And that's what we're looking at today. The folks for whom regret is not a lesson, it's a blueprint. Not following me? Wel it's time to (raising the roof) raise my hands in the air, and elaborate like I just don't care! (realizes how white he is after doing that) Hey, you come up with a better segue after doing 20 episodes!
(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History of Regret")
Nash (vo): (Crazy Stick Boy and Stick Boy are looking at a cave) So it's a situation we've all encountered. You're out with friends, you're having fun, and then the suggestion is raised to do something that seems...unwise. You resist, but you eventually you get worn down, give in, and to quote the bard, "hilarity ensues." (Stick Boy yodels into the cave. CSB runs away as glowing red eyes are shown in the cave, then they come out to reveal a bear) Congratulations, you've just formed a regret! (the bear proceeds to maul Stick Boy in a dust cloud) Regret is one of those functions of human psychology that helps us learn. There's nothing wrong with taking chances, but regrets let us gauge our present actions against the past, and prevent us from repeating our mistakes. (A poster is shown of Lady in the Water) Sometimes. (Then a poster of the Happening) Occasionally. (Then one more of the Last Airbender) Alright, bad fucking example. (Stick Boy's looking at the cave again) In any event, regrets teach us and help us from repeating the follies of the past. (Stick Boy remembers the bear in the cave) Just remember that learning through suffering only applies if the person who actually suffered. (CSB yodels YAHOO to make the bear come out. Stick Boy takes out a sign saying "Mother" before getting mauled again)
Nash: So, now that we've set the tone, let's begin the march...to misery. As the price of gasoline has risen, prepaid pumps have become the norm and can be something of a frustration. We mutter. We grumble. We drive our pick-ups into the building. One of these things is not like the others.
(The report is titled "Suspect angered by pre-pay gas pump")
Nash (vo): From Pinson, Alabama, 49-year old Randy Mayer complained that he was unable to pump gas. The clerk explained this is because he had not yet paid for said gas. Mayes took this under advisement, responded that the clerk should, quote, "die and go to Hell." When the clerk did not acede to his request, Mayes rebuttal was to drive his Ford Explorer directly into the cashiers' counter. Because hey, nothing proves your point like attempted manslaughter, am I right?
(The Chicken Dance comes on)
Nash: And it's time to do the math. This, (showing a gas station) plus this, (showing a picture of an SUV) equals fucking this. (a gas station fire is shown) It's. A gas. Station! Gasoline is what you might call sensitive. Doesn't react well to volatile situations. It has issues. It is the Lindsay Lohan of fossil fuels, to wit, if you do something it doesn't like, chances are the results will be newsworthy! Fortunately, no one was injured and there was no scorched crater involved. But I'm going to bet when Mayes is asked what he regrets about the incident, his response will likely be that he didn't get a chance to fill his tank first. Let's move from a potential explosion to an actual explosion. Our next story comes to us from a New Hampshire high school where knowing is half the battle. Case you were wondering, the other half would appear to be staying the fuck away from the class mouth breather when he's bored!
(The report is titled "Students Taken To Hospital After iPod Battery Explodes")
Nash (vo): As with many great acts of stupidity, this one was rooted in boredom. A 16-year old student was so bored in class that he bent his iPod until it broke open. And not content with that, he bent the battery...until it broke open. And, just to top it off, he dumped water on the smoking unit, causing a small explosion, and an evactuation. (The Final Fantasy victory music comes on) Boredom: Eliminated!
Nash: Look, I know not everyone is technologically minded, but there are some basics you pick up fairly early on. Things like the stuff in glowsticks is poisonous. Or magnets are bad for computers. Or, very relevant here, batteries contain acid! Acid is bad! I mean, look, (he reaches for a battery) this is your standard rechargable lithium ion battery. It is full of acid. And one of the stupidest things you could possibly do is to try and smash it open like, uh, li-like this. (he takes out his hammer and hits the battery while it's on his leg) Because batteries contain corrosives, (the acid begins to sizzle and smoke) dangerous amounts that can leak onto your extremities... (slowing down) like...feet, for example. (he remains calm for a bit, then screams loudly)
(We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please hold your fucking horses.)
(Back to the report)
Nash (vo): And, of course, I would be remiss if I did not point out that his chemical mayhem took place...in science class. If irony had a dick, it would be masturbating!
Nash: We all do things we regret when we were young. But over the course of our life lessons, few, if any of us, feel the need to involve a FIRE DEPARTMENT! What will you learn from this experience? Well, considering he made it to 16 without grasping the whole "battery = acid" equation, likely very little. On the other hand, his classmates have figured out that if he starts to look bored, and there's technology in reach, they should probably run like hell! Moving on. Sometimes when it comes to regret, it's not what you do, it's what you say. Some words cause deep wounds that can't ever be taken back. So you probably shouldn't say them over an open FAA channel in a cockpit radio, huh?
(The report is titled "Southwest Grounds Pilot After Obscene Radio Rant"
Nash (vo): From Houston, Texas, a Southwest Airlines pilot was a bit frustrated with his crew compliment of flight attendants, lamenting that the quote, "Eleven over-the-top fucking ass fucking homosexuals, and a granny," left him no available runways for his 737, so to speak. Bad enough, but his rant was carried over the air traffic controller's channel. The one they use to land the fucking planes! Was this an isolated incident, or do pilots just fuck around with the vital systems on a regular basis?
(A clip is shown of a plane taking off)
Air Traffic Tower: Southwest 105, what is your flight plan, over?
Pilot: Baba booey baba booey baba booey! Howard Stern's penis! Baba booey baba booey!
Air Traffic Tower: Roger, you are cleared for takeoff to Baba Booey on Runway Howard Stern's Penis, over.
Nash: Okay, you are a grown man. A pilot, flying a goddamn jumbo jet, and yet you are whining to all in sundry that, "alas, you have no one for which to fuck?" Wow! I am amazed the women aren't just lining up to fling the vagina at you, good sir! A fact that you aren't hip deep in blowjobs shocks me to my very core! A nice guy like you? Why, next you'll tell me that you haven't had one tiny little piece of sex. Also, a little piece of advice, the, uh, flight attendants...yeah, they prepare your meals. After that wonderful little commentary you made, I'm pretty sure that unless you want your colon to experience the full fury of an entire box of exlax, you should probably pack a lunch from now on. Next up, we're heading east to Dongguang, China. Parenting, it's a rough job, and your mom and dad probably regret a lot of little mistakes they made raising you. But I'm willing to bet those mistakes didn't include selling you on eBay! Well, unless they regret that they didn't.
(The report is titled "Chinese Couple Sells All Three Kids to Play Online Games")
Nash (vo): Li Lin and Li Juan love two things: online games, and fucking. So when the results of one interfered with the enjoyment of the other, they turned it around. In order to fund their gaming addiction, they sold not one, not two, but three of their own offspring for a combined total of less than 10,000 US dollars.
(The room starts shaking)
Nash: Oh no! Look out everyone! It's...a...(instead of douchequake, we get doucheapalooza) doucheapalooza?
(We get clips of Vanilla Ice, Vince Schlomi selling the SlapChop, drunken David Hasselhoff eating a burger, and Charlie Sheen)
Nash: Wow, I think I actually miss the douchequake. Anyway, the story. What in the name of all that is fucking holy is wrong with you!? I mean, I like games. I play them sometimes. But even at my worst, I have never considered selling a loved one for a complete set of epic plate! Hold out for at least tier 3! And the kicker to this one, can't even believe I'm saying it, the couple claimed they didn't realize that selling one's children was against the law! When you have worked out the logistics of a guild raid, but cannot figure out the fact that human trafficking is illegal, it's time to add a big bowl of perspective to your balanced breakfast! And speaking of breakfast, hold on to yours. Our last story might relieve you of it.
(The report is titled "Suspect arrested in Boulder porta potty 'peeping tom' incident")
Nash (vo): Meet Luke Irvin Chrisco. His hobbies include panhandling, making up religions, and drilling peepholes into women's bathrooms all over Boulder, Colorado. But before you dismiss his aspirations to what-the-fuckery, his pièce de résistance was yet to come. At a yoga festival in Boulder, women visiting the porta johns may never use a toilet again without looking inside because, you guessed it, (disgusted) that's where they discovered Chrisco.
Nash: First of all, I can't put into words what this man engulfed himself with in order to perpetuate this ten-gallon jug of nightmare fuel, so I'm going to let renowned actor and Royal Shakespearen veteran Patrick Stewart demonstrate. Patrick?
(A clip from the movie Masterminds is shown where he drives an ATV out of a sewage pipe and right into nasty ass water)
Nash: Thanks, Patrick. He was on Star Trek. Where was I? Uh, oh yeah Um, what the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck is wrong with you!? By the unwashed balls of Odin, man! This is a thing!? This is someone's version of a Playboy centerfold!? How!? How are you in the middle of sex and think, "you know, this just isn't doing it for me. Maybe if I was covered in excrement, it'd be dead sexy!" And even in jail, he gave interviews about how lurking in the chemical tank of a porta john, like a giant turd, with an erection, I-I swear to you, was his form of (air quotes) "goddess worship!" I am in literal terror to contemplate what his version of communion is! And you know, y-you just know that nothing resembling regret for his actions has dented the feces-logged organ that passes for his brain! It never does! Everytime I do this show, it never ends, it just keeps happening! Over and over and over! And it makes me (reaching for his hammer) wanna take a hammer, and cover it in cocaine, and jam it up a gorilla's asshole! And--! (he looks over to see Stick Boy quite shocked at him, making Nash realize what he said) What? Oh. Oh god. Oh Stick Boy. What's happening to me? All this mindless stupidity is filling me with so much rage, that...I'm turning into what I hate. This doesn't end, I'm not gonna be hosting the show, I'll BE the show! Stick Boy...help me!
(First part of his training involves watching Jersey Shore)
Snooki: Even though I know we're tiny bitches, I will attack you like a squirrel monkey!
(Nash hits the TV with his hammer, getting electrocuted for it, surprising Stick Boy. The next test is taking a hippo doll and hugging it, having a look of disgust on his face)
(Next clip is of Family Guy with Peter farting on Meg's face, then laughing at it. Nash tries to resist, but ends up smashing the TV and getting electrocuted, making Stick Boy facepalm)
(Next test is of him deciding either to read either "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama, or a Transmetropolitan book. Nash has an idea of what he wants to read, but looks at Stick Boy and puts down the comic to read the Dalai Lama book)
(Next test is of Glenn Beck on Fox News)
Glenn Beck: I just love my country, and I fear for it.
(Nash is about to smash the TV again, but has some restraint for once and he and Stick Boy laugh about it)
(And so... )
(Nash is now meditating in space)
Nash: Om. Om. There is no peace. There is no rage. I am one with all things. I am relaxed. There is only...(banjos come on) banjo.
(We come to Arlo P. Arlo in his store)
Arlo: You want relaxation? We got relaxation! At Imaginarium De-Stressing Solutions, your relaxation is our fixation! How do we do it? (Nash is silent and nudges his head) Uh...that's right! We review the latest space-age technologies and advanced medical research......and then we say the hell with it and subcontract the whole thing to India! Take our latest breakthrough: you like memory foam? Who wants a memory when they can have a dream! IDS is proud to introduce the all new Morpheusfoam Mattress! You'll never dream the same again! Show 'em what we mean, Bobby! (A clip from Nightmare On Elm Street is shown when Johnny Depp's character gets sucked through the bed, then blood gushing out of the hole) ...okay, needs a little work.
(Nash is still at peace, and Arlo is quite confused by it)
Arlo: Hey! (record scratch!)
Nash: Yes, brother?
Arlo: You ain't gonna say smartassed things to me?
Nash: No my friend.
Arlo: You ain't gonna yell at me for breaking into your show or get all freaked out about my products?
Nash: Oh no. You may come, and go, and do as you will. All are welcome.
Arlo: Bobby, did you turn on the Opposite Day-o-Matic? That thing's still experimental, dammit!
Nash: No no, my mushmouthed child. I am at peace now. I have no need of my rage. I have learned to transcend.
Arlo: You ain't gonna do your show no more?
Nash: There is no need. I no longer rage at my fucktarded brethren. I simply await them in enlightenment.
Arlo: Can...can I have your show?
Nash: Um, certainly. I have no need of it.
Arlo: Really? Well, all right! Welcome, everybody to...Arlo's Pony Paradise! (the theme song for My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic plays while the logo for the new show comes on with pictures of Fluttershy and Applejack. Nash is quite surprised by this) From here on out, we'll discuss all your favorite ponies! All their adventures, all the mysteries......and deep discussions of the mythos of a show aimed at grade schoolers!
Nash: (Struggling to maintain inner peace) Om! Om! Omm!
Arlo: And don't you worry...no little girls here! This show is FOR Bronies, BY Bronies!
Nash: (His inner peace is just about crumbling) Om! Om! (And it's gone!) Oh you cockjuggling thundercuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnttt! (and he falls out of space)
Arlo: Friendship IS magic!
(The credits come on, with Pinkie Pie singing a song (anyone wanna fill in what song that is?)
Final quip: Bet you'll never use a port-o-john again without checking for crazy people first, huh?
(One last clip of Nash hugging the hippo doll)
Nash: Bet Tara is loving this right now!