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Richie Rich

Nc richie rich by marobot-d4tilic

Released
March 20, 2012
Running time
18:15
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (A current image of Macaulay Culkin is shown briefly) Oh, Macaulay, why do you keep popping up here?

(More images of Macaulay Culkin plus movie posters for “Getting Even with Dad,” The Pagemaster and The Good Son are shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): I’m sure you’re a nice guy. Hell, you were probably a nice kid. But MAN, did you pick some dumb, dumb, DUMB movies!

NC: And we’re here to look at another stinker with “Richie Rich.”

(The title screen for the movie “Richie Rich” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): Culkin seemed like the perfect kid at the time to show us a subject matter I’m sure would’ve gone over really well today: How the one percent live. Brought to you by the ingenious visionary director of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” “Richie Rich” brings to the big screen a story nobody demanded to see from an actor clearly going through puberty based on a comic strip that younger kids have never heard of. With those credentials, how could you not green-light this?

NC: Well, time is money, so let’s start spending. This is “Richie Rich.”

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So back in the ‘90s when we still had an economy, a young boy is born to a millionaire named Richard Rich. The boy’s name? Richie Rich. You know, you ever wonder if either the father or son would have a different life if their parents named them Poor E. Broke? (Accompanying text for the name appears on-screen)

Chester A. Bum: (audio clip with his image at the bottom right of the screen) Hey, that’s my legally born name!

NC (voiceover): We see them go through the typical rich kid jokes, like playing catch while doing business meetings, genetically altering a dog’s body to have money signs on it—creepy—, even building a giant mountain portrait of themselves. (sarcastically) Oh, people of today’s current financial status would just love this film! (normal) But his (Richie) life isn’t all just fun and games; there’s also the importance of keeping up the illusion that his life is not all fun and games, like having him do a ribbon cutting at a tool factory. Fitting, as many would consider this character to be a united tool. (There is a screenshot of the side of a pickup truck labeled “United Tool”)

Richie: (addresses the crowd) On behalf of my dad, thanks for the wrenches. I know my dad loves socket wrenches, I know I love socket wrenches. And if my mom knew what a socket wrench was, I’m sure she’d love it, too.

(The crowd laughs at the subtlety of Richie’s statement)

NC (voiceover): So as you may have noticed by this point in his life, Culkin is sounding less like the kid from “Home Alone” and more like the sped-up audio of Sylvester Stallone.

Richie: (addresses the crowd) I’d like to stay, but I gotta go do my homework. It’s been real.

NC: (as Rocky Balboa from “Rocky,” sounding a bit higher pitched to mock Richie’s voice) Yo, Adrian, come on, let’s go ice-skatin’!

NC (voiceover): He also has a loyal butler named Cadbury, and no, he doesn’t talk like this. (A brief sound clip of a clucking chicken is dubbed over Cadbury when he speaks) But he does manage to keep a close eye on little Richie.

(Richie sees some kids playing nearby and starts to walk on over to them, but he is stopped by a bodyguard named Ferguson)

Ferguson: (to Richie) This area is not secure, sir.

Cadbury: Don’t touch him!

Ferguson: It’s my job to protect him.

Cadbury: Very well, Mr. Ferguson. But grab him like that again, and YOU will need protection.

NC: (speaks as a foppish British person while showing off a bicep) We British are known for our strength and athletic abilities.

(Cut to Richie Rich waving to the crowd before he takes off in a helicopter)

Diane Pazinski: Poor kid.

Dave Walter: Poor kid? What are you talking about? He’s the richest kid in the world.

Diana Pazinski: You don’t have children, do you, Dave?

NC (voiceover): (as (Dave) My wife can’t conceive. Thanks for that salt in the wound.

(As the helicopter takes off, Richie looks down in a bit of sadness at the children playing a ball game below)

Narrator: It was then that Richie realized there was something missing in his life. Something simple. Something money could not buy.

(A clip from “Citizen Kane” is overlaid over the footage briefly)

Charles Foster Kane (from “Citizen Kane”): (whispers) Rosebud.

NC (Voiceover): The movie will get to that stuff later, but for now, his dad is back from a business trip, only to find that he has to leave again.

Cadbury: (to Richard Rich, Sr. while putting a phone on hold) Excuse me, sir. It’s a telephone call. The President.

Richard Rich, Sr.: What country?

Cadbury: This one, sir.

Richard Rich, Sr.: (to himself) Oh, God. Probably needs another loan.

NC: (scoffs) Yeah, that joke doesn’t date this movie at all—! (He rethinks to himself) Actually, it kind of makes it timeless.

NC (voiceover): But don’t worry. We have that guy who is supposed to be huge from “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?” but then messed up by choosing movies like…well, “Richie Rich.”

(Professor Keenbean (Michael McShane) shows off a latest invention of his to Richie in a laboratory, which is a sticky black tar)

Professor Keenbean: Ten times stickier…(He knocks on an anvil that is sticking to the tar on a wall)…than the strongest adhesive known to man. I call it “Cementia”!

NC (voiceover): His job is to sort of be the Q of the movie, making all sorts of gadgets and weapons that (sarcastically chuckles) I’m sure will not make an appearance in the film’s climax.

(A tiny robotic honeybee is let loose so that Keenbean can demonstrate it with a controller)

Professor Keenbean: A honeybee working overtime couldn’t pollinate like this baby. Behold RoboBee.

NC (voiceover): Yes, you never know when the world might need a RoboBee in their lives. The possibilities are just so limiting! Actually, doesn’t that sort of look like the bee from Simon Sez? (A clip of the robotic bee in “Simon Sez” is shown) In fact, don’t the inventors of those things look suspiciously similar, too? (Footage comparison between Professor Keenbean and the monk Micro from “Simon Sez” is shown briefly)

NC: (comes to a realization) My God. Could it be there’s some sort of conspiring connection between “Simon Sez” and “Richie Rich”? (Camera close-up on his face before a dramatic music sting is cued up, and then the camera pulls back to normal before he dismisses on the idea) Aw, who gives a shit?

NC (voiceover): We then meet the villain of our movie. How do we know he’s our villain? Because he’s played by John Larroquette. And let’s face it; if John Larroquette ever played the good guy in something, your movie would just die faster.

(Lawrence Van Dough (Larroquette) is having dinner with the Rich family)

Lawrence Van Dough: (to Richard Rich, Sr.) Your donations are costing the corporation over a billion dollars a year, and I think it’s just time we asked ourselves: What are we getting for it?

NC (voiceover): He’s their advisor and doesn’t like how charitable their donations are and how wasteful their inventions may seem.

(Professor Keenbean has run in to show Richard Rich, Sr. an invention (the Smellmaster 9000, to be specific), and Richard stands up to demonstrate it)

Richard Rich, Sr.: We have glass to help us see better and hearing aids to help us hear better. Why shouldn’t we have something to help us smell better?

(Richie stands up and goes over to tell his father)

Richie: This thing’s way out of whack. Can I be excused? Thank you.

NC: (mock’s Richie’s voice) Hey, yo! I’m like a mini Tony Danza here!

(Cut to Van Dough and Richie’s parents walking together inside the home)

Van Dough: If I may, might I suggest that you consider beefing up your security system?

Richard Rich, Sr.: Oh, I don’t think that’ll be necessary, Lawrence. I mean, after all, all of our real valuables are locked in the Rich family vault.

Van Dough: Vault?

NC (Voiceover): So he makes the incredible discovery that the Rich family…is rich! And that taking control of their vault might make him even richer. Though to be fair, it looks like he’s pretty rich already. He just fired a limo driver for parking too close to a puddle of water. How much more money do you need??

NC: (as Van Dough) Oh, I just want enough to buy a…

(Quick clips from the climax of “2001: A Space Odyssey” are shown)

NC (voiceover): (as Van Dough) …spaceship, go to the edge of the universe, travel through the outer rim, have an existential journey itself, and become the next evolution of mankind; therefore, being in control of all the universe.

NC: (as Van Dough) But I bet you call me selfish for wanting that.

(Cut to Richie entering an office area and speak aloud)

Richie: Dadlink on.

(Two doors on the wall pull away to reveal three monitors above some shelving)

Richie: Locate Dad.

(A computerized face that resembles Professor Keenbean starts to speak, but not before spinning around once and expanding its eyes for some reason)

Computer Face: Hiya, Slugger.

(NC recoils back in fear at the sight of the computer face)

Computer Face: Locating Dad now.

NC (voiceover): Don’t you just love early CG technology that’s trying to look hip, but instead just gives you diarrhea of fear?

Richie: Locate Dad.

(The computerized face spins around once and expanding its eyes before speaking)

Computer Face: Hiya, Slugger.

NC (voiceover): And why do his pupils get bigger? (He does a camera close-up on the expanding eyes) It’s like he’s looking to suck out my soul!

Computer Face: (after it spins around once) Hiya, Slugger. (A demon noise is added to when the face’s eyes expand)

NC: (reacts with fright) D’AHHH!

NC (voiceover): So Richie does what most kids would do around that age: gives his dad a call when he has a zit. (Beat) D-Did you do that growing up?

Richie: (appears on Richard Sr.’s phone screen and shows his chin closely) I’m getting a zit. What do you think?

Richard Rich, Sr.: Could we talk about this later?

Richie: Oh, sure, Dad. I’m sorry. I’ll see you tonight.

Richard Rich, Sr.: (waves goodbye) Bye.

Richie: See you. (Richard Sr. turns off his screen)

NC (voiceover): See, this is one of the problems with the movie. The Richie character is so bland that we don’t really know what to make of a scene like this. Is it funny because he’s talking to him at such a delicate time, or because he’s bringing it up to him at all? Most kids don’t act this way, but we have no idea if that’s the way the character is or if the writer just doesn’t know much about kids. Nothing else about Richie himself is noticeably that strange, so we don’t know who’s the one who’s supposed to be acting out of line here: the father or the son. It’s like the “Animaniacs” joke.

(A clip from “Animaniacs” is shown)

Wakko: Knock knock.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Who’s there?

Wakko: Max.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Max who?

Wakko: Max wants to come in and go crazy!

Dr. Scratchansniff: (looks at the audience confused, then back at Wakko) Okay, now that’s not really a joke, is it? You see, because it makes no sense.

Wakko: It does if you know Max.

Dr. Scratchansniff: But I don’t KNOW Max!!

Wakko: If you did, you’d be laughin’!

NC (voiceover): Same thing here.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): We see how Richie lives, but really, we know nothing about him; just that he has a lot of stuff, so a lot of these jokes fall flat. Some of the rich jokes are funny, but if you can’t gauge the reaction of the character this stuff is being bounced off of, you yourself don’t know how you’re supposed to react. All we ever get is that he wants to get out more, so he manages to bring in...well, let’s call them what they really are: a bunch of tokens. The token black kid, the token fat kid, the token cool kid, and the token girl…kid.

Gloria (the Token Girl): We know who you are.

Tony (the Token Cool Kid): What, no chopper? (He and the other kids laugh to themselves)

(Heavenly music plays as NC speaks in a deep voice)

NC (voiceover): (in a deep voice) And God said unto Noah, “Bring me one of every stereotype, and you will have your crappy ‘90s movie.” And Noah said…

Noah Antwiler (aka Spoony): NO! (He folds his arms)

NC (voiceover): (in a deep voice) And God struck him down with lightning. (Lightning strikes Spoony, making him explode before we cut to a “The End” title card) The End.

(Fake end credits for “Noah and God” is shown (with a Photoshopped image of Spoony’s head over Adam in the Sistine Chapel painting) with credits depicting of names from The Silence of the Lambs: Jodie Foster as Claire Stalling, Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lector, Scott Glenn as Jack Crawford, Ted Levine as Jame Gumb, and Anthony Heald as Dr. Frederick Chilton)

Background Singers (from “Different Strokes”): Now the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum…

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So Richie tries to befriend them, but in a very strange strategy, they decide it’s best NOT to befriend the incredibly rich child. (scoffs) Yeah, I mean, what could they possibly gain hanging out with the richest kid in the world? (scoffs again) So stupid!

Gloria: So what are you doing here?

Richie: Well, I was wondering maybe I can play with you guys.

Gloria: Play? (She speaks toward the other kids, gathering them in a huddle) No, I don’t think this is such a good idea.

Omar (the Token Black Kid): Alright, alright.

Gloria: Okay.

Omar: Alright.

(All the token kids turn to look at Richie)

Token Kids: NOT!! (They laugh)

NC: (clutches his heart) D’OOOH, they got me with the “Not!” card! Even though technically they never said anything positive to have the “Not!” card follow it, OHHH, it still hurts!

NC (voiceover): I wish there was something I could do to combat it or fight back, but…

NC: …By GOD, it’s just too cool! It’s the perfect defense! It will never not be popular as long as I live! (Enraged, he shouts) NOOOOTTT!!! (He then falls forward onto his desk and sobs)

NC (voiceover): But the walking Sunny D commercial finally agrees to meet up with him and, needless to say, they’re impressed.

Token Kids: Whoa!

Omar: It ain’t no house; it’s a whole ‘hood!

NC: (chuckles and folds his arms) I’m the black one.

Cadbury: Luncheon is served.

Pee-Wee (the Token Fat Kid): Alright! Food! I like this place.

NC: (as Pee-Wee, points to himself) I’m the fat one! Food is my only identity!

Cadbury: Master Richie was of the opinion that his guests deserve a break today. (He turns around to open double doors to reveal the inside of a McDonald’s-themed restaurant, which delights the token kids)

NC: I believe that’s bad screenwriting for “Insert your plug here.” (The screen fades to black) No, goddamn it!

(Commercial break)

(A clip of Bill Cosby advertising a popsicle is shown with NC dubbing over him)

NC (voiceover): (as Bill Cosby) The Jello Pudding Pop is the best kind of pudding pop—(An animated hand grenade lands below Bill) Oh, my goodness, a grenade. (The grenade explodes)

NC: (wipes his hands after a job well done) Had enough of those.

NC (voiceover): So they (Richie and the token kids) ride ATVs, speedboats, the Iron Wolf from Six Flags Great America that they’re not going to use in their backyard, it’s a whole lot of fun. But he (Richie) then comes across some bad news. Apparently, Larraquette put a bomb on his parents’ plane and they crashed into the ocean. They manage to stay afloat, but sadly, nobody can find them. With them out of the way, Larraquette thinks he can run the businesses and shut down the factories that he finds pointless. (He speaks sarcastically snobbish) But WHAT’S THIS? A child taking over the industry??

NC: (still sarcastically snobbish) Well, not since Hero Pig have I seen business ethic so inspired!

(Richie arrives to have a one-on-one meeting with Van Dough)

Van Dough: (offers an ordinary seat to Richie) Please, have a seat.

(Richie refuses the offer and instead goes to his dad’s office chair to sit down in it)

NC (voiceover): Okay, I’m not gonna lie; that was pretty badass.

Richie: How much stock do I own?

Cadbury: 51 percent of the voting stock.

Van Dough: Yes, but you’re not of legal age to exercise your voting right.

Cadbury: I stand in loco parentis and guardian ad litem to Master Richie. And accordingly, I give him full proxy power and authority.

NC: (as Cadbury) Like a motherfucking boss, sir.

NC (voiceover): So Richie is now running things, and, like always, he does a good job of it. You know, wouldn’t it be more awesome in one of these movies if the hero just crash and burns the company?

(Clips from the “Moneyball” trailer start to play, starting with the fake “From Columbia Pictures” title card)

Commentator: Billy Beane has tried to reinvent a system that has been working for years.

Casey Beane: Hey, Daddy, do you think you’ll lose your job?

(The fake title card “He Lost His Job” is shown)

Grady Fuson: You’re discounting what scouts have done for 150 years?

(The fake title card “People Hated Him” is shown)

Billy Beane: (to himself) What the hell am I doing?

(The fake title card “What the Hell Was He Doing?” is shown)

Grady Fuson: It’s just not working out.

(The fake title card “It Just Didn’t Work Out” is shown)

(More clips from “Moneyball” is shown before we get the final fake title card: “Brad Pitt is ‘That Stupid Guy With the Dumb Idea That Didn’t Work’”)

(Back to the movie, Richie is in a board meeting with executives and Van Dough offering a proposal)

Van Dough: Some employee downsizing.

Richie: Downsizing. You mean fire people.

Van Dough: It is our job to cut the fat.

Richie: My father never fired anybody. He always said that when people are secure in their jobs, they work harder, they work happier, they work better.

NC (voiceover): THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD! Nobody has a perfect hiring record! You’re going to make mistakes and hire the wrong people, like people who are under-qualified or over-qualified, or put a fucking bomb on a plane and blow your parents up! Don’t you think that’s a firing offense, you mental laxative of a movie?

Van Dough: All those in favor of my motion… (He raises a hand, though nobody else does as an executive slurps down a milkshake (which everyone gets))

Richie: All opposed? (Everyone raises their hands)

Daniel Plainview (from “There Will Be Blood”): (audio, dubbed over Richie slurping down a milkshake) I drink your milkshake!

(In a film transition, a magazine cover spins toward the camera and stops to reveal Richie on the cover of People Magazine (being read by Van Dough) and given the title “Sexiest Man Alive”)

NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, maybe from NAMBLA Weekly.

Van Dough: I hate that kid.

NC (voiceover): So he (Van Dough) thinks of another way to take him down. He has the butler Cadbury arrested for…I don’t know, making his eggs smaller or something.

Police Detective: We received an anonymous tip and searched the Rich mansion. Bomb parts, detonation devices found in Herbert Cadbury’s room. You’re under arrest for the murder of Richard and Regina Rich.

NC (voiceover): So he’s framed for blowing up the folks, but Richie tries to break him out with one of the scientist’s inventions.

(Cut to Richie at the police station and handing a brown bag to the police chief)

Richie: I want you to give this to my…uncle.

Police Chief: Let me see this. (He takes the bag and empties it, revealing a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste and a notepad) What’s this?

Richie: Very special toothpaste. He has really sensitive teeth.

NC (voiceover): (as the police chief) Well, this is Chicago, and it is Cook County, so I’ll allow it.

(A police officer lets in a few inmates into a cell)

Police Officer: Alright, you’ve got ten minutes to do whatever.

Baby Plucky Duck (from “Tiny Toons”): Eeeeewwwww.

(Cadbury is seen trying to brush his teeth, yet the toothbrush corrodes in reaction to a special liquid (which is one of Keenbean’s inventions) that can literally eat away anything; one of Van Dough’s goons then tries to choke Cadbury with a white rag before a fight scene begins)

NC (voiceover): So he (Richie) gives him the stuff just in time to have a thrilling…off-screen battle.

(During the off-screen fight, a garbage can is thrown against the wall before we hear a toilet flush and Cadbury recovers from the fight)

NC (voiceover): Huh. That saved us a lot of money. So he breaks out and they put together that Larroquette is behind everything. But Larroquette also finds out that the vault he wants to get into is voice-activated by the parents. And guess who they just found?

Ferguson: (reads the message “Your father has been found” on the Dadlink) Oh, my God, they’re alive. (He makes a phone call before we see the Computer Face once more)

Computer Face: Dad found.

NC (voiceover): (as Mario from “Super Mario 64”) It’s-a me! Mario Batali!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So he (Richie) calls in the Burger King Kids Club and, in an ironic twist, Culkin is actually trying to break into the house this time. Oh, I do hope his head gets burned by a flamethrower.

(Cut to the kids trying to free Professor Keenbean, who is tied up in a chair)

Professor Keenbean: Richie! You wouldn’t believe what they did to me! It was inhuman!

NC (voiceover): They see that the scientist has been kidnapped—wait, nobody was guarding him?—and he sees if he can whip up a diversion to distract the guards. What does he use?

Diane Kazinski: (is outside viewing through a pair of binoculars) Bubbles?

(A huge pile of bubbles start foaming out from a fountain)

NC (from his Return of the Nostalgic Commercials video): (audio) FUCKING BUBBLES!

Guard: (notices the bubbles) What the heck?

NC (voiceover): And by the way, what the hell is up with the ADULT MOTHER STAYING BEHIND while the young little kids go in to save the day?? Maybe she sees them like the canary you send in before entering a coal mine. This calls for a fat guy moment.

(As the kids escape to the outside, Professor Keenbean stops to speak)

Professor Keenbean: (to the kids) You guys go on ahead. I’ll be just a second.

Gloria: Okay.

(Cut to Professor Keenbean reaching into a refrigerator and then standing up to take a huge bite out of something)

Professor Keenbean: (speaks with a mouth full of food) My inventions!

NC: (utterly confused) …What?

Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

NC: Mayan vengeance? (Accompanying text plus an image of a couple Mayan tribesmen appears below him)

Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

NC: Mighty pensions? (Accompanying text plus an image of a bar graph appears below him)

Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

NC: Ma’s infections? (Accompanying text plus an image of a woman blowing her nose with a tissue appears below him)

Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

NC: Marty’s steakhouse? (Accompanying text plus an image of a BBQ dinner meal appears below him)

Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

NC: CHEEEEWWWW!!!

NC (voiceover): But it turns out Larroquette found the parents and forces them to open the vault with their voice-activated combination.

Richard and Regina Rich: (singing in a duet) Singing our song, side by side!

Security System Voice: Code accepted.

Van Dough: Thank you, Beavis and Butthead.

NC: Hey-hey! I don’t get that.

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the rest of the kids fight off the bad guys with those (sarcastically laugh) wacky inventions. Or, how do you say it again?

Professor Keenbean: (with food in his mouth) My inventions!

NC (voiceover): Yeah, those. As we discover that the vault is not filled with riches, but more precious memories. And to the film’s credit, they do turn out two funny lines in a row here.

Van Dough: (is confused) Where are the gold bars? The diamonds? The…negotiable bearer bonds? The money? (He whips out a gun and points it at the Riches) Where’s the MONEY?

Richard Sr.: In banks. Where else? (The caption “Funny Line 1” appears onscreen with a “Ding!”) And the stock market.

Van Dough: (to his henchmen) Shoot them. Shoot them now, please. (The caption “Funny Line 2” appears onscreen with a “Ding!”)

Richie: What’s the matter, Mr. Van Dough? Can’t do it yourself?

Van Dough: On this occasion, I think I’ll make an exception. (He shoots at Richie)

(Richie’s parents yelp in fright, yet nothing happens to Richie (he’s wearing bulletproof clothes, thanks to one of Keenbean’s inventions))

Richie: Cool!

(Van Dough fires at Richie again repeatedly, yet nothing happens to Richie)

NC: AIM FOR THE HEAD! God, how come nobody in kids films ever aim for the head?!

NC (voiceover): So they (Richie and the parents) escape out of the vault to have a thrilling climax on Mount Douchemore.

(Richie and the parents are on the golden glasses of Richard, Sr.’s face on the mountain, far apart from each other)

Richard, Sr.: Alright.

Regina: Come on, Richie!

Richard, Sr.: Come on.

(Richie slides down toward them safely)

(An audio clip of the musical score from “North by Northwest” plays over the climactic scene)

(Cut to Van Dough bracing to climb up a ladder and shoot at the parents until we see that Richie is at the top)

Richard, Sr.: (off-screen) Now, off you go.

Regina: (off-screen) Oh, cut the crap and stop pushing.

(Van Dough is about to fire his gun at Richie (to which he and the parents gasp), but nothing happens after he pulls on the trigger several times)

Van Dough: (softly to himself) Shit.

NC (voiceover): Well, there’s your PG rating, folks. Aren’t you glad all you parents in the audience had to be dragged to this flick just for that?

(Richie pushes the ladder back with his feet, making Van Dough fall backwards onto a hanging platform and injure himself; Ferguson aims a laser at the parents and fires, but it misses and strikes at the stone face of Regina instead, breaking off a piece of the nose)

Regina: Oh, my God, my nose! I look like Michael Jackson!

NC (voiceover): (acts defensive) Hey, Culkin testified for Jackson! I’m sure he takes great offense at that! Hence why he’s…still in this…movie—Oh, who cares? They knock out the bad guy, he serves his community service, and Blandie Bland finds out that his friends are the real riches.

Richard, Sr.: (speaks proudly to his wife) Now our son really is the richest boy in the world.

Regina: (smiles) He has friends.

NC (voiceover): So I guess that means he doesn’t need the money and he’ll be handing it over to some sort of charity—or we’ll just roll the credits.

NC: Hey, if it ends the movie faster!

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): I guess this isn’t like the worst Culkin film or anything; it’s got a few memorable moments and one or two funny lines. But the main character is so bland and the story itself is so phoned in, that it’s pretty hard to get invested. I will admit I did sort of like the butler character, as he seems much more protective and caring than Richie’s parents, but…yeah, how about Richie’s parents?! Did they ever learn anything? Did they ever discover how to raise their kid better? Was there ever a story arc? Did they find out anything about their money or their son? I don’t think this movie cared enough to answer that question. Hell, I don’t even think it cared enough to ask it! It’s just a last-ditch effort to cash in on a kid celebrity’s status before his testicles drop!

NC: If you want to get rich in life, start saving your money by NOT BUYING THIS PIECE OF CRAP! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave, but then returns to lean in) Or play the stock market; that usually helps, too. (He then finally leaves the room)

THE END

Channel Awesome Tagline—Professor Keenbean: My inventions!

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