October 3, 2017
(The Nostalgia-Ween 2017 opening parodies The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror: storm clouds move to reveal the title in "Nostalgia-Ween" in bloody font, then transitions to the "Joke Cemetery" including the graves of "Let's Play of Bart's Nightmare", "Demo Reel", "The Emoji Movie", and "Funny Adam Sandler". It then cuts inside of Channel Awesome studios where Casper-like ghosts of the NC, Tamara, and Malcolm reenact a Simpsons couch gag. After the opening, we see the NC wearing his usual Nostalgia-Ween jacket)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Having done this for ten years now, you'd realize that overtime, different things become nostalgic. That's why I'm starting off this Nostalgia-Ween by asking the question... (suddenly becomes confused as he holds up a DVD of "Scary Godmother") is this a thing? Is this–
(Suddenly, the words "JUST DO IT!" pop up in yellow)
Shia LaBeouf (audio): JUST DO IT!
NC: (drops DVD) I-I-I-It's a thing.
(Title and clips of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): In 2004, Cartoon Network premiered an hour-long special called The Scary Godmother, based on the popular kids book by Jill Thompson.
NC: (shrugs) And that's all I know about it. (shoves the DVD case to the camera, annoyed) But you millennials kept shoving it in my face I had no choice but to review it!
NC (vo): I have no idea if this is remembered fondly, not fondly, or caused flame-wars tearing families apart.
NC: A strange part of me hopes for the latter.
NC (vo): All I know is that people really want me to review it, so that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going into this completely blind with no clue what to expect.
NC: So let's...pun about the-special I haven't seen yet here. This is Scary Godmother.
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we open to an egg-shaped moon. (gun click)
NC: (now holding a rifle!) I'm opening fire if this is a Howard the Duck spin-off!
NC (vo): As we see the film has an...interesting style, to say the least.
(The animation is...as about as good as early 2000s computer animation was. As the kids go trick-or-treating, a woman whose head is out of the frame walks in front of the camera, and then turns to face it)
NC: (nervously blinking) Okay, am I the only one who thought her boobs were about to shoot me?
(Scene plays again)
NC (vo): She moved like the T-1000's nipples were about to open fire.
(As the woman turns to the camera, gun shots flash on her chest with appropriate sound effects. NC jumps back in fear. We then see a boy running up to a girl dressed as a cat, waiting impatiently)
NC (vo): Yeah, by this point, you're probably thinking: "It's so nice they finally did a kid-friendly version of The Walking Dead games."
NC: But this does create an immediate problem, and, actually, it can be compared to The Walking Dead games.
(Pictures and stills of the Scary Godmother book and film, and The Walking Dead graphic novel and Telltale game are shown)
NC (vo): Both are adaptions of drawn works, which they're trying to combine with computer animation while still trying to simulate hand-drawn lines. I suppose this can work, I mean, it's worked okay in other projects, (A screenshot from the Disney short film Paperman is shown) but here's the problem. [The] Walking Dead knew the characters in the foreground had to have black lines and the backgrounds had to be smooth and blurred, (Stills of Darkwing Duck and the Aladdin animated series are shown) a tradition done for years so characters in the foreground are the focus.
NC: But here, the characters...
NC (vo): ...are the ones who are smooth and blurred and the backgrounds have the lines. Because of this, everybody looks like The Sunday Afternoon painting, like they're demanding a movement for...movement. It's a little odd, to say the least.
Katie: Daryl, are you a piece of candy?
Daryl: Yeah! Cool, huh?
NC: Kid, you're scary just the way you are. Your...
NC (vo): ...sunken-in dot-eyes...
NC: ...are gonna to haunt my nightmares!
NC (vo): This is Katie and Daryl. They're waiting on their friend Bert to show up to go trick-or-treating.
Daryl: Got enough room in your trunk for all the candy we'll get?
(Bert is dressed as a car (!) and acts like he can't hear Daryl)
Daryl: DO YOU HAVE-
Bert: Hold on, let me roll down the window. (mimes manually rolling a car window down) Ah, that's better!
Daryl: Sweet ride!
NC: Lame joke and weird segue, but sweet ride!
NC (vo): Last, but not least, their friend Jimmy shows up.
Jimmy: (dressed as the Devil, standing on a tombstone) Speak of the Devil, and the Devil shall appear! (roars)
(Daryl and Bert look at Jimmy, then at each other. Daryl's dot-eye also grows when he turns)
Daryl and Bert: Cool!
NC: (as Daryl) That almost made me...
(Close up of Daryl's growing eye)
NC (vo): ...grow irises in my pupils!
NC: (normal) God, early CGI is scary!
(Back to movie)
NC (vo): Jimmy's forced to bring his cousin Hannah along, who... AAH! Fully-developed eyes!
NC: (waving it away) Abomination on this world!
Jimmy: We become monsters, surging forth and-
(Hannah shines her torch in Jimmy's face, causing him to stumble. Hannah becomes panicky, not helped by the CGI making her look like her character model's glitching out)
NC: Oh, no, you turned Hannah into a malfunctioning Chuck E. Cheese animatronic!
Jimmy: What the heck were you shining that dumb thing around for?
(Scene quite suddenly cuts to the group sitting around and talking. As Daryl talks, smoking a bubble pipe, NC looks confused)
Daryl: Are you anxious to get outside with all the monsters, pumpkin?
Katie: We all know Katie will look out for her.
Daryl: I trust that Daryl.
Katie and Daryl: Don't worry, pumpkin!
NC: I have no frame of reference to what you're doing now. You're parents...h-how does this work?
Jimmy: (miming pressing a doorbell) Ding-dong.
Daryl: Daryl will protect you from the monsters.
Katie: (speaking simultaneously with Daryl) Katie will protect you from the monsters.
Hannah: (suddenly turning to the camera) MONSTERS?!
Jimmy: (getting angry) Ding-dong! Ding-dong! DING-DONG ALREADY!
NC: Come on, it's Party Quirks. Answer the door so Colin can perform!
Katie: Don't worry, honey. If you get frightened, Jimmy's promised to take care of you.
Hannah: Okay, mommy! Bye! (rushes off) Hey, Jimmy, wait up!
NC: Why'd you come back to me like I should have a joke? I don't even know what the hell just happened!
Jimmy: Okay, here's the plan: we're gonna ditch Hannah.
(Bert, Daryl and Katie all gasp)
NC: The Devil takes many forms!
Jimmy: ...scare her, and she'll run home, and then we can do what we want, okay?
Daryl: Well, she's kind of slow.
NC: (as Daryl) We did convince her we were her parents, and she might still be under that assumption.
NC (vo): They agree to scare her by forcing her to go inside the house they say is haunted.
(Hannah screams, and runs towards the camera (again, the CGI makes it even scarier). NC, startled, jumps backwards in his chair. We're then shown the scene again, this time in scary slow-motion)
NC: Why does the animation in this always move like it wants to eat me?
(Slow-mo scene is shown again, scaring NC again. Back to movie, Hannah is crying in the corner)
NC (vo): But the Scary Godmother arrives to raise her spirits.
(Scary Godmother (who shall now be referred to as SG) appears in a burst of light, as her hat and ghostly cat appear with her)
NC: With that freaky entrance, all she's gonna raise is my blood pressure!
(Scene plays again, with the added text: "HAIL SATAN!" Back to movie, SG sits next to Hannah, crying)
Hannah: Why are you...why are you crying?
NC: (as SG) Because I turned down [The] Magic School Bus to be in this. I totally could have been Miss Frizzle!
SG: (voiced by Tabitha St. Germain) I like the sound of "booing". Boo-hoo-hoo. (laughs)
NC (vo): She takes her (Hannah) on an adorable kidnapping to her home, apparently in another dimension.
SG: There we go! What do you think? (Camera pans round showing the room full of Halloween decorations)
NC: (as Hannah) It's whimsically... (pauses, then normal voice) ...similar to everyplace else.
NC (vo): She (SG) introduces Hannah to her broom-mate, Skully, presumably voiced by John Waters.
Skully: Oh, my, Scary Godmother! Sorry to be so late, but I just had to get these old bones bleached for the party.
NC: I'm just kidding. John Waters WISHES he could be in something this kitsch!
Skully: It is the spookiest phantom fest in the whole realm! Everyone'll be there. It's practically a who's boo of monsters! (chuckles)
NC: (as Skully) Just putting it out there, guys: boo is like half of our jokes.
Skully: Boo are you?
SG: Hannah, this is Mr. Pettibone. He's our official skeleton in the closet.
(NC stifles a laugh and falls out of his chair)
Skully: I work in the closets of all the old houses, keeping their secrets...
NC: (pointing a finger at Skully, still on the floor) YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
Hannah: Does everyone have a skeleton in their closet?
Skully: Almost everyone, my miss.
NC: (as Skully) The ones who are brave enough to experiment!
Skully: When it comes to Halloween night, I love nothing more than to roll the bones and a good party!
NC: (as Skully) "Roll the bones" will have a completely different meaning when you get older! (normal, chuckling) There are so many of these jokes, guys!
(SG uses her magic to move the furniture closer to the walls and decorate the ceiling with paper lanterns)
NC (vo): The Godmother uses her incredible magic powers to make the place even more...mildly impressive...as guests begin to show up.
NC: Oh, and if there's any doubt it's that kind of party, just take a look at guest #1.
(Harry the werewolf shows up first and walks up to the appetizer table)
Harry: Mmm, where are those wonderful smells emanating from? The goody plate, I believe.
(Skully hits Harry with a rolled-up newspaper)
Skully: No! Down, boy! No more until everyone else shows up.
Harry: Ooh, you'll be lucky if I don't bury your femur in the backyard, you scoundrel!
NC: (smiling) And they said they couldn't bring Will and Grace back.
NC (vo): So the werewolf confuses Hannah for an actress from one of his favorite shows. It's...
NC: ...as funny as that sentence I just said.
SG: This is not Ophelia Saint.
Harry: (not listening) Oh, I am such a huge fan of the show. I must know every single line from every single episode!
(SG suddenly moves to face the camera, creeping NC once more)
NC (vo): Why does everyone come up to the camera like they're Slender Man?
(The scene is repeated, but with a static similar to one from the Slender Man's videos. The special continues, as SG brings out a title card that says "Treats with Your Hostess, Scary Godmother", followed by a Flash-animated instruction about putting jam on crackers)
NC (vo): Except in this one, you don't die; you're instead given a short about how to make cracker sandwiches.
NC: Because that's the next logical step to take in this story!
(The vampire family consisting of Count Maxwell, his wife Ruby and preteen son Orson appears next at the house)
NC (vo): The Voldemort family show up and almost confuse who the appetizers are for, and...are.
SG: Help yourselves to the food.
(The family members all hiss at Hannah)
Hannah: Scary Godmother!
SG: Oh, no! (shields Hannah, chuckling nervously) This is my friend.
(The vampires stop hissing and greet Hannah happily)
NC: How adorable! Why don't you...
NC (vo): ...befriend one of the people who was gonna devour you?
(As Orson and Hannah are speaking, the camera does an orbital shot)
Orson: Are you a real human?
Hannah: Yeah, but...you're just a kid.
Orson: So are you.
Hannah: Do you go to school?
Orson: Sure, night school.
NC: Do these kids have their own solar system?
NC (vo): What's with the orbiting around them? The party continues, as the werewolf seems to chat too much, annoying the vampires.
Count Maxwell: Look deeply into my eyes. (starts hypnotizing Harry)
Cound Maxwell: Cease your chattering and sleep.
Harry: Sleep? On an empty stomach? But I-
(He is instantly paralyzed, making a weird face before falling asleep)
NC: Oh, good God. He broke his neck.
(The scene is replayed with the "neck creaking" sound effect)
NC: While also seeing Slender Man.
(That scene is repeated again, also with the Slender Man's static)
NC (vo): Actually, the vampire just puts him to sleep. However, Hannah is dead awake at the reveal of their next guest.
(Hannah screams loudly upon seeing Bug-a-Boo, a big multi-eyed purple monster with horns)
Bug-a-Boo: (addressing the camera while Hannah is still screaming) If I start scaring kids after hours, I'm gonna put in for overtime.
NC: (as Bug-a-Boo) I'd join the pterodactyls from Flintstones in turning to the right and saying a joke to nobody.
NC (vo): She (Hannah) learns to get used to him, though, as the kids, back at the house, are waiting really too friggin' long to not realize something is up!
NC: What do you expect when this is how they entertain themselves?
Bert: Door is ajar. Door is ajar. Door is ajar.
Jimmy: (irritated) Will you stop that?!
Bert: (pretends to close a door) Please fasten your safety belts.
NC: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he's tasted toilet water.
Jimmy: Why isn't she screaming yet?
(Jump cut to Hannah screaming in delight at the party, very close to the camera)
NC: Oh! It's because...
NC (vo): ...she's turning into (picture of...) Annabelle!
NC: At this point, nothing would surprise me.
Daryl: Now what are we gonna do? We've practically missed Halloween.
NC: (as Daryl, arms akimbo) I mean, what are we supposed to do? Go in and get her?! (Beat) Who wrote us?
NC (vo): But we have no time for that. We have to vote on who we think should be the leader of the group!
Jimmy: Who wants Bert for leader?
(Bert raises both his hands, grinning enthusiastically)
NC: (weirded out again) Okay, Ridley Scott's Alien would be even creeper if that was the face.
Daryl: (rasing his hand) That's one vote for everyone.
Bert: I demand a recount!
Daryl: That's still one vote for everyone.
Daryl: That's one vote for everyone.
Bert and Jimmy: Recount!
Daryl: (getting annoyed) That's one vote for everyone!
Bert and Jimmy: Recount!
NC: Okay, looks like we're gonna be here for a while, folks. I'm gonna go grab a beer. I suggest you do the same.
(He gets up and leaves. We go to a commercial break. After it ends, NC returns to the table, burping slightly)
NC: Oh! That was good. Anyway, where were we?
Bert and Jimmy: Recount!
NC: (holding a remote) Abraca-fast-forward!
(He presses a button, and the majority of kids' conversation is skipped)
NC (vo; sighs): So, after that essential arguing, they decide to just sit around and do nothing.
NC: (hand on cheek) You sure we're not watching American politics?
NC (vo): Back at the party, all sorts of amazing things are happening, like the vampire's (Count Maxwell's) talk about anxiety, the werewolf overeats, and they decide to order pizza!
NC: They sure are putting the "dead" in dead party, aren't they?
(Cut to Harry holding a phone)
Harry: I'll phone this in.
NC: Like you haven't already?
NC (vo): Let's go check on the unlikely possibility that there's more interesting conversations with the kids.
(All four kids are standing in front of the doorway to the Spook House. Daryl, Katie and Bert hide behind Jimmy's back)
Daryl: I can't believe you left Hannah in the Spook House!
Bert: We're gonna be in so much trouble.
Daryl: I can't believe you left Hannah in the Spook House.
NC: (perplexed) ...You just said that.
Katie: What if she never comes out?
Daryl: I can't believe you left Hannah in the Spook House.
(NC clearly doesn't know what to say after this)
NC: Are you trying to drive us insane?!
Jimmy: Would you stop it?
NC: No, please don't interrupt him! I'm pretty sure he was gonna say something about Hannah, the Spook House and the believability of her being in there!
NC (vo): How'd it go again?
Daryl: (the third uttering of the line) I can't believe you left Hannah in the Spook House.
NC: (overlapping, smiling widely) Yeah, that's it!!
NC (vo): It goes great with the multiple rock-paper-scissors AND multiple shoutings of "recount"!
NC: All that's missing is Doctor Strange...
(The scene from the 2016 movie with the same name is shown, featuring the famous scene of Strange...)
NC (vo): ...coming out saying he wants to bargain!
NC: What is your goal, you time pocket of madness?!
(Daryl, Katie and Bert start screaming and talking incoherently, until Jimmy dope slaps the three)
Jimmy: Have you all gone crazy?
NC: Is there a limit to how many times I can say yes?
(At the SG's party, the latter buys boxes of Diablo Bros. Pizza, brought by a delivery skeleton)
NC (vo): This better be followed by a funny moment, or I'm gonna shove a candy apple up somebody's rectum.
SG: $200 in pizza?
Delivery Skeleton: Of course, you could always... (A flame erupts as the skeleton's voice gets deeper, and he holds up a big contract) SIGN FOR IT.
NC: (frowning) You got lucky.
NC (vo): Looking for money to pay for the pizza, they sneak up on Bug-a-Boo to see if he sat on any money in a sequence I know can't be taken any wrong way.
(SG, Skully and Hannah knock Bug-a-Boo down on the floor and start searching for money in his...behind. As expected, this is blocked, and some other stuff flies out of laughing Skully)
NC: Someone's been to too many of Skully's parties.
Count Maxwell: (finishing a joke) So other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show?
(An awkward pause occurs, chirping crickets and all)
NC: ...Strange enough that there's a Lincoln assassination joke in this, but to have...
NC (vo): ...that classic followed up by crickets?
NC: (points around) Ain't none of you know good comedy! (grinning) Hey, Dracula! Tell your version of "The Aristocrats"!
NC (vo): After making friends with everyone, Hannah and the monsters decide to go back home and get revenge on the kids that left her.
(Maxwell and Ruby hiss at the kids who have FINALLY entered the Spook House. The four back away screaming, but notice Skully, who takes a hat and a cane out of nowhere)
Skully: (singing and dancing) You'll be grilled, / You'll be ate...
NC: Can we just conclude there is nothing in the closet about him anymore?
(Daryl, Katie, Bert and Jimmy run across the room in a cartoony way and pass several fireplaces (nice homage to old cartoons' wraparound background, by the way) until bumping into Harry)
NC (vo): Wow! Not very often you see a room with six fireplaces.
NC: No wonder nobody lives in this place. The fire codes are shit!
(Hannah appears and turns on a flashlight, "scaring" her monster friends. The four kids flee the Spook House in terror)
NC (vo): Hannah pretends to save them, though, as the monsters act like they're afraid of her light.
SG: Here, Hannah. (gives Hannah the key to her house)
Hannah: Will I ever see you again?
NC: (as SG, smiling) Only in the scars of your repressed memories.
(The clips from the special are shown once more as NC goes to his final thought)
NC (vo): So that was The Scary Godmother. I... can see why people remember it. It's pretty awkward, clumsy and all over the place, but...then again, it's clearly meant for little kids. There is enough creativity in the ideas and some of the designs that, I guess, it's innocent enough. Definitely won't hold any adults or older kids' attention, but for younger children, it's totally fine. Not a classic, but a serviceable little special to show tiny ones on Halloween. Take it for what it's worth.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and Nostalgia-Ween has just begun!
(He clicks his fingers, and lightning strikes as the first three notes of Johann Sebastian Bach's "Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor" play out. After the smoke clears, however, NC doesn't dissappear, to the latter's confusion. He simply gets up, wiggling his arms to the camera for a second before leaving. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome tagline - Daryl: I can't believe you left Hannah in the Spook House.