August 14, 2012
NC (looking irritated): Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't ha...what the fuck am I doing? No, really, what the fuck am I doing?! I'll tell you what I'm doing: Scooby-Doo the douche-horse movie!
Opening to the Scooby-Doo movie
NC: Yeah, fuck it! Here's what I think of the movie! It fucking sucks! The end!
End credits start to roll, but stop almost immediately after
NC: No, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time... is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well, that's pretty sad," well, you know, yeah, it is fucking sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (at this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well, that's a pretty sad existence," well, yeah, it is a pretty sad existence (picks up Scooby-Doo DVD) JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT SCOOBY FUCKING DOO! (throws down DVD) I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great, I mean somebody's just like, "Hey, why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club- okay, I've gone to a couple strip clubs, but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like (makes a suggestive gesture)... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?!" Well, I'll tell ya who that fuck-shit is! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK?! BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (screams at the top of his lungs, then rests on his desk, then a long pause) So, let's start. Uh, this is where I usually show a few clips from the trailer...
Clips from the film
NC (voiceover): ...because I was too lazy to find any actual clips that are visually interesting for you, and I, of course, talk over it.
NC: I mean, what's the point in trying to change anything, right? I am where I am, nothing's going to make it any different. (sigh) It's not like I could just go back in time and alert my young self of the hell that awaits him.
There is a white flash which cuts to a younger version of the Nostalgia Critic. It is Doug wearing a wig similar to his haircut from the 90's, he has acne on his face, and talks with an agnsty teenage accent. He has a copy of Scooby Doo. Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins is playing in the background.
Young Critic: Alright, Scooby Doo: The Movie!!! This is gonna be so clever and (sees present Critic and acts surprised. NC acts surprised as well) DAHH!
NC: DAHH! What the hell!?!?
YC: Holy shit, it's like looking into the future!
NC: Is that me from the past?
YC: Oh, hey, does the internet ever become anything, or do we still just use it for porn? It's porn, isn't it?
NC: Wait a minute, this doesn't make any sense. How am I able to talk to my younger self?
YC: I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm about to watch the awesome Scooby Doo movie! It's great, because I remember Scooby Doo existed, and this movie remembers that Scooby Doo existed. So it's really tapping into my childhood...(pauses, can't describe the word)...What's the word I'm looking for?
YC: Nah, that's not it.
NC: Well, look, Younger Me, whatever you do, don't watch that piece of crap.
YC: What?! But they say it's a satirical, hip new look at the characters I know and love.
NC: But it's not done well. It's just a corporate sellout.
YC: (drops DVD) Oh. Well, forget it, I hate corporate sellouts. They're all narcs! They can all just kiss my ass! Hey, by the way, what's it like making bajillions of dollars selling your ideas?
NC: (Remembers the incident at the end of the "A Simple Wish" Review) Uh, yeah, about that...um. Little word of advice from your future self, uh, you may not wanna keep making those videos.
YC: What? Why not?
NC: Trust me. They're not as good as you think they are.
YC: But what the hell do you know, you stupid, closed-minded narc?
NC: I'm YOU, you dumbass!
YC: Yeah? Well, how do I know the corporations didn't get to ya? How do I know they didn't find ya and like brainwash you into talking to your younger self, convincing me not to make the greatest movies of all time?
NC: (sighs) Look, I'm not making this up. Listen to me, this is totally believable. You need to stop because Mara Willson, the little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire, is going to find them and blackmail you with them years later.
YC: (does not look convinced) Dude, that's seriously the best you could come up with?
NC: Oh, my god! If only you could see the future so you can understand what's in store for you.
There is another white flash which cuts to the Nostalgia Critic of the Future, best known for looking and acting like Doc Brown of "Back to the Future". He too is holding a copy of the DVD.
Old Critic: AHH!
OC: What are you doing here? Or what am I doing here? Or what is going on here?
NC: I don't know. It's like all these different parts of my life are coming together; the past, present, and future. All I wanted to do was just watch the fucking Scooby Doo movie!
OC: Wait! I was going to put it on, too. My memory of Scooby Doo is so bad, I was going to put it on to see if I could remember it. *Shivers*
NC: But, wait. Both I and the young me were going to watch it, too.
OC: Great SCCCCCCCCOTT!!! We're all going to watch the same movie!
YC: Yeah? So?
OC: And yet, somehow, it caused a temporal anomaly in time. Hmm...we best watch this movie together, Critic. Something tells me that all the answers to our questions may be in this film.
NC: Oh, trust me, this film has no answers.
YC: Speak for yourself, Narc!
NC: OH, SHUT UP, YOU PRETENTIOUS LITTLE...
OC: HEY!!! Don't make me split myself apart!
YC: He started it. Narc.
NC: Well, let's go ahead and figure out what is going on. Let's watch The Scooby Doo Movie.
(Movie begins with the opening titles. a modernized pop version of the Scooby Doo theme song is played)
NC (vo): So the film opens with, big shock, a pop song.
YC (vo): Yeah, but so what? The original had pop songs, too.
NC (vo): Yeah, and I'm sure that never dated either, just like having Sandy Duncan (shows title card from The Scooby Doo Movies, featuring Sandy Duncan) or The Harlem Globetrotters (shows an image of Scooby and the gang with The Harlem Globetrotters).
(Cuts back to movie. The setting is an abandoned factory.)
NC (vo): So after listening to...I don't know. "Scoob Doggy Dogg", we start off with a caper going on.
(The Luna Ghost crashes through a glass window. Daphne is held captive as always.)
NC (vo): ...or rather, the end of a caper actually.
(Fred, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby are hidden all over the factory. Fred looks at a mirror checking how awesome he is.)
Velma: Shockingly, Daphne has been captured again. When the Luna Ghost rounds the corner with Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby will pop out of the barrel...
Fred: Then you'll activate the conveyer belt, spilling the vat of oil onto the floor.
OC: (looking confused) Uhh..Did we fast forward past a few scenes?
NC: Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?
NC (vo): They're giving you a taste of what one of the capers of the show was like, but you wouldn't really get that unless you grew up watching the show.
YC: Well, I did, and I think it's very clever that they're satirizing the original...
YC (vo): ...showing they have a sense of humor, by...
(Scooby is blowing the fire off his tail when the barrel lid bonks him in the head)
YC (vo): ...making Scooby look like Marmaduke.
YC: Seriously, is that supposed to be Scooby Doo?
YC (vo): It barely looks like him! It looks more like a gremlin that got microwaved with a bear rug!
(Shaggy and Scooby run away from the ghost as it blows fire at them)
OC (vo): Not to mention the crappy CGI effects. Tell me, did they really look that bad in your time period?
YC (vo): Well, not...this bad. But, hey, maybe it's a loving send-up to the bad animation of the original show.
NC (vo): Yeah, but the original show had an excuse for why it was bad. Each episode had the budget of a ham sandwich and two minutes to put it together. What's this film's excuse?
YC (vo): Well, it is kinda neat, though, how they're making fun of their roles. Like how Daphne's the damsel in distress, Velma's the smart one, Fred's full of himself. (Pamela Anderson comes out of the Mystery Machine) Look, they're even mocking the pointless celebrity cameos!
NC (vo): Uh, I don't think that's mocking a pointless celebrity cameo. I think that just is a pointless celebrity cameo.
Pamela Anderson: This is a victory for any celebrity who wants to make a quality, ecologically friendly action figure.
NC: Hey, look! (cut to the movie) Michael Moore and the Jerry Maguire kid. [Jonathan Lipnicki] (pictures of the two are spliced into the movie)
YC: Come on, it's a satire of the original show, and that automatically makes it funny! Show me something that's a satire that isn't automatically funny--(posters for Disaster Movie, Epic Movie and Date Movie are shown)--I don't know what those are yet.
(The ghost's head is pulled off to reveal an old man underneath)
Everyone: Old Man Smithers?
Pamela: The creepy janitor?
NC (vo): Well, maybe if they keep it going throughout the rest of the film, but I don't know. It seems like they're playing their cards pretty early. If the whole film is supposed to satirize the show, why aren't they saving these jokes for the rest of the movie? Why are they using them up in the first couple of minutes? It's spoiling the fun early for fans and confusing newcomers.
YC: It's like the Brady Bunch Movie! They'll have a ton of jokes like this throughout the entire..
Velma: I quit!
Daphne: I was gonna quit in like two seconds!
Fred: Yeah, I quit!
OC: Well, that seemed like a relatively short flick!
Daphne: Good riddance!
YC (vo): Well, they never did that in the show.
NC (vo): Yeah, even from a dramatic standpoint, that seems a little early to throw in. Wouldn't it make more sense if they saved this for, like, the end of the second act or something?
YC (vo): Well, hey, maybe they get right back together real soo--(Two years later)--ookay.
(The camera pans to the Mystery Machine where smoke's coming out through the roof. Scooby and Shaggy are giggling)
Shaggy (vo): El Supremo!
(Cut to inside the van)
Shaggy: Oh, man, talk about toasted! (turns out the smoke is them grilling burgers instead of the obvious joke)
YC and NC: Booo! Booo!
NC: You did that shot on purpose!
NC (vo): So, yeah, a mere two years passes by as suddenly, the owner of an amusement park called Spooky Island contacts them one by one and fools them all out into coming out to solve the mystery. They decide they'll all go, but not after establishing that each one of them wants to solve the mystery themselves.
Daphne: I was gonna solve the mystery all by myself for the first time ever!
Fred: How are you gonna save yourself when you get caught?
Daphne: I'm a black belt now. I've transformed my body into a dangerous weapon.
(Fred and Velma laugh at Daphne's boast)
OC (vo): Okay, I'm a little confused. I thought in the show, they all liked each other.
YC (vo): They did!
OC (vo): Well, then how come they don't like each other now?!
YC: Because I...clever?
NC: No, here's fucking clever.
(Scooby walks through the airport wearing a dress, hat and glasses, getting all sorts of whistles. Even stopping to kiss Fred on the cheek)
YC: NO! NO! I'm sorry! I just got back from the movie theater from seeing the most awesome movie of all time, The Two Towers. (the poster is shown)
(A clip from the movie is shown with Gollum)
YC (vo): And that had fucking Gollum in it! That is one of the best CG characters of all time! (back to Scooby) And yet, this...ABOMINATION came out the exact same year?! Are you shitting me!? (a clip of Who Framed Roger Rabbit is shown) For god's sakes, Roger Rabbit was better integrated than him!
YC: And I'm supposed to know that he's not really there!
(Scooby and Shaggy are sitting at their seats, Shaggy holding a sub)
Shaggy: That is a beautiful work of art, Scoob.
OC: Oh, here's a little fun fact for you. Elsa (Isla) Fisher's in this movie.
NC: Isla* Fisher? Ooh, that sweet honey from Wedding Crashers?
- NC pronounces it as Ess-la throughout the review when it's normally pronounced Eye-la. It will be spelled normally throughout.
NC: Oh, you don't know her yet, but she's one of the most attractive women you'll ever see in your life! Oh, my God, she is such a hottie--
Mary Jane*: Would you mind me taking this seat there?
- From here on out, she'll be shortened to MJ in entry.
NC: Who the hell is that?
NC (vo): That's Isla Fisher? Really? Her?
YC: Umm, she's okay, I guess...
NC: No, no, no, they make her one of the prettiest women of all time! She's, like, a knockout!
YC: If you say so.
NC: No, no, and she's funny, too! Really, really funny!
MJ: Nobody's ever given me a stuffed dismembered head before.
(NC is dumbstruck)
NC: I swear to God, she becomes really, really funny!
NC: No, really! She's funny and attractive! There's this really great scene where she ties Vince Vaughn to a bed and puts a sweaty sock in his mouth--(he realized what he said)
YC: (quite confused) Do I have to become you?
NC: It works in context!
NC (vo): So, take a guess what the young lady who befriends Scooby and Shaggy is named. No, really, guess. The first thing that pops into your mind is probably correct.
MJ: I'm Mary Jane.
NC (vo): Mary Jane. Her name is actually Mary Jane.
Shaggy: Like, that is my favorite name!
NC: Oh, dude, you should totally meet her sister...Pot!
NC (vo): Oh, and here's another weird one. She just loooves Scooby Snacks. Yeah. What are the odds?
MJ: They're 100% vegetarian, and I love 'em.
Shaggy: Like, me, too!
MJ: I have never met another person who loves Scooby Snacks!
Shaggy: Me neither!
NC (vo): It's like finding the really hot chick who loves playing video games, eating Hot Pockets and living in your mother's house.
YC: Or the one who likes Vince Vaughn tied to a bed with a sock in his mouth.
NC: IT WORKS IN CONTEXT!
(Scooby is barking at a cat that yowls at him)
Fred: To cause a dog to discontinue any action, simply flick it on the nose.
(Fred flicks Scooby on the nose)
(And Scooby punches him out)
OC: (confused) Did that...dog just punch someone?
(The punch is replayed)
NC (vo): Yeah, Scooby performed physical assault. (and it's replayed again.) I don't know if I'm for that. (and it's quickly replayed five times)
YC (vo): Yeah, I'll admit, part of my childhood feels ravaged.
(One more replay, only now with Matrix from Commando dubbed in)
Matrix: Fuck YOU, asshole. (and one last punch)
NC (vo): So they get to the island and find out it was Mr. Bean [Rowan Atkinson] who called them there. Why? Because not only does he have a mystery for them to solve, but he wanted to see them all back together to relive that nostalgic feeling.
YC (vo): There's that word again. I don't think you know the proper meaning.
NC (vo): Ugh.
Emile Mondavarious: I believe somebody is casting a spell on the students. Can you notice any difference between those arriving and those departing?
(The students leaving are standing quietly in line)
Daphne: They look like sober, well-behaved college kids.
Mondavarious: Precisely. And they didn't before they came. In other words, a magic spell.
YC (vo): Now wait a minute. Magic spells? Come on, the original Scooby-Doo made it very clear that there's no such thing as supernatural elements in their world.
YC: Just a talking dog who has an appetite for six-foot sandwiches!
OC: Oh, thanks for being the voice of reason.
YC: No problem.
NC (vo): So they try to figure out what's been causing all the teenagers on the island to act so strange by looking into one of the closed attractions.
(Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne enter the haunted house)
Fred: Daphne, exit through the entrance. Velma and I will enter here through the exit there. And Shaggy and Scooby...(the two are messing around with some of the props)...do whatever you guys do.
NC (vo): I didn't think it was possible, but this Fred actually has less of a personality than the original Fred. In fact, they probably just picked an actor [Freddie Prinze, Jr.] who could already answer to his name.
(Daphne wanders through the haunted house. The theme to Edward Scissorhands is played in the background. *the scenery does look like something out of a Tim Burton movie.*)
OC (vo): You know, normally it's the actors chewing the scenery. Not the scenery chewing the actors.
NC (vo): Yeah, that's a good point. Even the sets have a little too much going on. It's hard to make much of it out to appreciate the design, and the actors often get lost in it. (Daphne opens a secret door) But it's okay. It won't distract from the pointless slapstick we have here.
(Daphne gets picked up by the ride cart on the tracks. Velma and Fred are running down another track away from a cart, dodging axes swinging down at them. Fred pulls a book out a little too hard, making him stumble. Velma tosses him another as an axe knocks him through a glass window, his butt hitting a switch)
YC: Why is this funny in a cartoon, and not really here?
NC (vo): Because a cartoon goes out of its way to convince you that it's alive. This film goes out of its way to convince you there's no life in it whatsoever.
YC: Well, I guess that does make sense, huh, Critic? (NC's chair is empty) Critic?
OC: Great SCCCCCCCCOTT! He vanished!
(NC finds himself in an empty white room)
NC: What's going on here? Where am I?
Roger: You're in my realm now, Critic. A world with no past, present, or future.
NC: What? Who are you?
Roger: An old friend.
(Turning to his right, NC sees Roger the (former) Guardian Angel)
NC: Roger? (as we go to commercial, he mouths "What the fuck?")
(Cut back to the video)
NC: Roger? Didn't I kill you? I thought we figured out that all guardian angels were mortal.
Roger: They are. This is where angels go after they die.
NC: Wow. So how many angels are here?
Roger: Just me. Apparently, I was the only one that didn't figure out angels can get murdered.
Roger: SHUT UP!
Roger: I'm here to tell you that the temporal anomaly is not fixed! That all mankind is doomed!
NC: What? How do you know?
Roger: In this realm, I know all.
NC: I don't believe you.
Roger: Oh! And do you have a Purgatory where angels go?
Roger: Well, you sound like an expert on it. Yeah, tell you what, why don't I just leave and you just get in charge? Hey, guys, Critic's in charge now. Yes, yes, the Critic is in charge of Purgatory. That's right, just like that freaking college guy who thinks he knows everything because he watches MSNBC, that he knows everything about politics, but has never really done it! This guy's done it.
NC: Okay! So how do I stop it?
Roger: (claps hands) I'll tell you what. I'll only answer yes or no questions. First time you ask one that isn't a yes or no question, you can't ask anymore. (he crosses his arms)
NC: Why's that?
Roger: Oh, my God, you just wasted it. You just waste it. You've been given one chance and you waste it in less than a millisecond! What are you, a moron!?
NC: Is this one of the yes or no questions?
Roger: I was supposed to ask--you know what, screw it, you're on your own! (he begins to walk away)
NC: Oh, come on, gimme a hint! If all mankind is doomed, you can at least give me a hint!
Roger: All that I can tell you...is that it has something to do with your review.
Roger: Well, that you'll have to figure out on your own.
Roger: Think of it as my way of saying...thanks, old buddy!
(NC frowns while Roger smiles, and NC's transported back to his reality, landing in his chair)
NC: Ahh! Guys, (YC and OC take notice) the end of the world is upon us! If we don't do something, all mankind is doomed!
OC: Oh, what do we do?
NC: I don't know!
YC: Where do we go?
NC: I don't know.
OC: Well, is there anything you do know?
NC: Yes, it has something to do with this review.
YC: So, we should just keep watching the review?
OC: Okay! Glad you brought that up. Who knows what we might have been doing if you didn't mention that.
NC (vo): So Velma and Fred come across a video that sort of shows the villain's evil plan.
(The video is about proper manners)
Woman: Interaction between young people is polite and casual.
(A man in a blue shirt bumps into a man in a flannel shirt, making him spill his drink)
Blue man: Hey, sorry, bro.
Flannel man: (crushes the glass in his hand, quite mad) I will crush your bones into dust!
Woman: Let's see how the situation should be handled.
(The scene is replayed again)
Blue man: Hey, sorry, bro.
Flannel man: (quite calm now) No big whoop, dawg. Yo, did you catch that new vid on the box?
Blue man: True dat. I'm up to sniznuff on all popular trends.
Flannel man: Word.
(A caption appears on the bottom)
NC (vo): "White People. Making Life Uncool Since the Dawn of Time." So they figure Mr. Bean is the culprit, but there's still an hour left of the movie, so it seems kind of unlikely. But rather than gather more clues, we have this lovely scene that we're forced to sit through.
(Scooby and Shaggy have a burp and fart contest. NC is not pleased)
NC: You know, just for fun, why don't we see how much every single gas joke would cost an animator to animate.
NC (vo): And also how much could have gone to a charity to stop people from watching this film.
(The gas battle is shown again, now with a "Money Spent on Each Gas Effect" counter starting at $1,253, climbing up to $11,965)
NC (vo): Oh, the good cause this money could have gone to. (A couple last toots kicks it up to $12,614, then $1,354,614)
(Velma's sitting alone examining the Daemon Ritus when a man comes up to her)
Brad: Hey. Your friends ditch you?
Velma: No, I always did the brain work.
OC (vo): Hey, look, Velma's talking to a guy for a minute. I guess that means they're gonna get together at the end.
YC (vo): Oh, please, everybody knows that she's saving herself for Daphne!
Velma: Really focusing on a mystery reminds me of the old days.
(Velma is now having a flashback of the old days of cruising around in the Mystery Machine)
Velma: (narrating) We were quite a crew back then. But every family has one nut.
(That nut being Scrappy Doo)
Scrappy: Scrappy Dappy Doo!
NC: Oh, God! (smacks his hands on the desk) Scrappy Doo is in this movie!?
OC (vo): I can't remember. Who is he again?
NC (vo): Just one of the most annoying shit piles ever squirted!
Scrappy: And when I find 'em. I'll give 'em a good dose of puppy power! (and he then begins to piddle all over Daphne's sweater) Ta-da!
Daphne: Oh, god, he's peeing on me!
NC (vo): And as we all know, there's nothing funnier in the early 2000s than a dog that urinates on cue!
(Fred stops the van)
Fred: Scrappy, I told you, no urinating on Daphne!
NC: (mocking Fred) That's my job!
YC (vo): To be fair, though, they do make him intentionally annoying. In fact, he's actually cast out in just a few seconds. Honestly, it doesn't make any sense. I mean, Scooby is supposed to be his caretaker, I remember that. So casting the kid to the side of the road in the middle of nowhere just leaving him to die? That's a pretty big asshole thing to do, isn't it? I mean, that's downright evil for such an innocent character!
YC: What a bitch! Or a...male bitch!
Velma: (narrating) That little egomaniac had flipped his lid.
Scrappy: You don't have the scrote for this job, pally!
NC (vo): Hell, if that's the case, why is that scene even in the movie? It's only a couple seconds long and it's just an annoying bit of nothing. What was the purpose of it?
OC: (pondering for a bit) Maybe he's the villain.
OC: Well, the scene's only a couple seconds long, and they're not writing a good mystery, and it's entirely pointless. Maybe that's the only point to having him: just to make him a bad guy.
(NC and YC think about it)
NC: No, no, they couldn't. It'd just be too stupid, it'd make so little sense...right?
(Suddenly the timelines begin to shake)
YC: I think maybe we should keep watching the review.
NC: Yeah, let's keep going.
NC (vo): Oh, and remember those supernatural elements we said just a moment ago were never in the original show? (Demons start crashing into the hotel) Well, they're all over it in this one! And sadly, it looks like they could only afford one design for these creatures, which I guess is understandable, all the money obviously had to go to the Scooby burping scenes.
(Daphne and MJ head downstairs, followed by Shaggy)
Shaggy: Scooby-Doo, where are you!?
NC (vo, mocking Shaggy): There, I did my one line for the trailer. Now let's get out of here!
(The demons begin to chase Scooby and the gang. Hijinks ensue)
NC (vo): And is it me, or does it look like these supernatural beings smoke a few too many Marlboro cigarettes? Trust me, it's not wise for supernatural beings to be smoking Marlboro cigarettes. I convinced an alien race to take up smoking once and, well, let's just say it didn't turn out well.
(A quick shot of Terl (played by Spoony) is shown as Psychlo blows up)
NC (vo): So Fred and Velma get captured, and it's up to Daphne, Scooby-Doo, Shaggy, and, ugh, Mary Jane to go save them.
Daphne: So we can defeat the creatures and save Fred and Velma!
Shaggy: Well, that's sorta like my plan. Which is, get the heck out of here and let the creatures eat Fred and Velma!
YC (vo): Okay, I never thought I'd say this, but...that was too cowardly. Honestly, Shaggy would run away, but not at the cost of sacrificing his friends. It's okay to make fun of the characters, but not when it's out of character. Shaggy would never be that cruel!
Daphne: Fred and Velma always figured out everything.
NC (vo, mocking Shaggy): My middle name is Judas! (normal voice) But they discover that, again, through those supernatural powers, they've turned Fred into more of a tool than usual.
Fred: Man, we've got beats like it was the lizniz on earth! You know what I'm saying, G?
NC: Well, now he's just acting like Freddie Prinze, Jr.
NC (vo): But Fred turns his teen friends against our heroes and tracks them down.
(Scooby and Shaggy run the heck away)
Fred: Get the dog.
(Quick clip of The Godfather)
Peter Clemenza: Take the cannoli.
(Back to the movie, Scooby and Shaggy are running into a garage)
Shaggy: Hurry, get the door!
(Scooby then bursts out of the garage on an ATV)
NC (vo): They escape, and find their way into the center of the villain's lair.
(Shaggy dives headfirst into the hole, sliding down the chute and off a pile of sand, getting up like nothing happened)
NC (vo, mocking Shaggy): Thank God I'm so high I can't feel my eight broken bones!
(Shaggy is looking at a pool of souls)
Velma's voice: Shaggy! Shaggy! (the voice is coming from the pool) Shaggy!
NC (vo): Shaggy then finds the souls of all the people who had their...souls sucked out.
YC: Okay, this is really stupid.
NC (vo): And he tries to return them to their proper bodies.
Velma: That's one part of the mystery solved. The creatures must need our bodies to survive in sunlight. Like a human suit. SPF 1 million.
NC (vo): Whatever keeps you talking in that top, I am totally fine with. But some of the bodies get a little mixed up.
Fred in Daphne's body: I couldn't get to my body. I didn't know where else to go, I panicked! (now realizing he's in Daphne's body) I can look at myself naked!
OC: Uh, this movie was intended for children, right?
YC: I don't think it was meant for anybody.
NC (vo): Once they get their bodies back in sync, they sneak into the bad guy's evil tomb, where Mr. Bean... (after looking over what Mondavarious is wearing) who apparently is Captain Crunchchocula, is about to perform an evil ceremony to steal all the island's souls. But the team knocks him out and finds out who he really is.
(They peel his face off like it was a mask, revealing a robot underneath)
NC: *gasp* Old Man Robot?
NC (vo): Actually, no. Believe it or not, it's Scrappy.
(The robot opens to reveal Scrappy Doo)
Scrappy: Da da dada dadaa! Puppy power!
OC: Ha! (gives himself a high five) Called it!
NC: Oh, for the love of...!
YC: Oh, no, no, no, please!
NC: Are you serious?!
NC (vo): That's right, Scrappy was the villain the whole time. How can something sound so right and yet feel so wrong?
Scrappy: Cause I, Scrappy Dappy Doo, (he begins bulking up) have absorbed enough energy to rule the world with my all powerful army! (he begins turning into Scrappy Rex)
YC (vo): In a much more clever movie, this would actually be hilarious! But here, it's just kinda awkward. It feels like last minute fanfiction.
NC (vo): It's the biggest twist since finding out Martin was the bad guy in Secret of NIMH 2. A real jawdropper.
(The gang splits up for their life)
Scrappy Rex: Scooby-Doo! Where are you?
NC (vo): Jesus, what, is he transforming into Pumbaa?
NC (vo, mocking Pumbaa's voice): Hello, Timon! I've come to eat your soul!
(Meanwhile, Daphne is fighting Zarkos with her new martial arts, kicking him to a hole, having to keep himself from falling)
NC (vo): We also get the end of Daphne's incredibly complex story arc.
Daphne: Now who's the damsel in distress?
Daphne: Straight up.
NC (vo): I don't even get it. Was Daphne really captured that often? I dunno, I seem to remember Scooby and Shaggy being in more peril than her. Hell, I thought even Scrappy had to be saved more times.
YC: I think it's more she never did anything as opposed to getting captured all the time, but, yeah, I'm still a little confused.
YC (vo): But, hey, they do stop the evil Scrappy and his...satanic powers of Hell.
NC: Oh, God, how could they not make this joke work?!
OC (vo): Hey, look, Velma hooks up with that guy she shared a sentence with. Called that one, too! And so does... (Fred and Daphne kiss each other) Fred and Daphne?
OC: Well, that's...kind of confusing. Uh, were they a thing in the original show?
NC: I dunno. Young me?
YC: Uh, kinda, sorta, not really.
(Clips of the old cartoon are shown)
YC (vo): People always liked to hint at it, like maybe they had a thing going, but they never actually shared any chemistry on the show.
(back to the movie)
OC (vo): Well, then the movie and the show has something in common.
NC (vo): Yeah, where in the film did they ever indicate they have a romantic interest? And now you're telling me that technically it didn't even exist in the show? I mean, does any of this satisfy any audience whatsofuckingever?
NC: I mean, Scooby-Doo is the ultimate nostalgic dream. It existed long ago, it exists today, it'll probably continue to exist in the future. Whatever it is, there's just some sort of weird, awkward, simple charm to the original that is apparently trying to carry through. But, does it work in THIS fucking piece of shit!?
YC: Well, I...no.
(Clips of the movie play as we come to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): For whatever reasons, Scooby-Doo continues to keep going. There's tons of reincarnations, there's tons of different versions, there's a ton of different takes, but most of them keep what is essentially the Scooby-Doo formula and characters. Except for fucking this! If it wanted to be a satire, fine. If it wanted to be an homage, fine. But this is just a cluttered, unfocused mess. The effects are horrible, the jokes fall flat, and the characters aren't identifiable unless you watched the show. And even then, they're not that loyal to them. They're mostly just cardboard cutouts or sterotypes of the original characters, and even then, they're not really half the time stereotypes of the original characters. They're just stereotypes of stereotypes! It's incredible not only how much this movie misses the point and the ideas of the original show, but how many different moods and angles it's trying to attack it with and how many of them don't work.
NC: (slaps his desk) And worst of all, making Scrappy Doo the villain!
OC (vo): From my point of view, I don't remember watching the show at all!
OC: So inserting him as the bad guy makes no sense as a film on its own.
YC: Yeah, and from my standpoint, it made no sense because...
YC (vo): ...I know the characters, and the characters would never do this. Scrappy Doo would never be evil, Scooby-Doo would never abandon him on the side of the street, and the series would never be this mean-spirited.
NC: Yeah, and from my point of view, it doesn't make sense because it wasn't fully developed from a comedic standpoint. Why?
NC (vo): Because the movie doesn't know if it wants to be mean-spirited, lighthearted, or both. But whatever it's trying to be, it doesn't work. It just straight up fails and it straight up sucks.
NC: This movie can cock my ass!
(The timelines begin shaking again)
OC: Looks like the temporal anomaly is taking its toll!
YC: Oh, my God, it's gonna wipe us out!
NC: Dammit, we could never figure out the answers! Oh, God, how could something so horrible...wait a minute. That's it! Something so horrible! (he picks up the dvd) Something so horrible! We all sat through the horrible movie!
OC: What? What do you mean?
NC: The past, present, future! It never managed to please anybody! Think about it! It doesn't meet up to the nostalgic memories of the past, the current judgement of the present, or the fresh thoughts of the future! It fails on all accounts, and it's destroying us all!
YC: Well, what do we do then?
NC: The only thing we can do! (he picks up a grenade) We have to destroy it in every time period! (he pulls the pin with his teeth and tosses one to OC)
OC: Great SSCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC--(he goes boom)
(NC pulls the pin and gives a grenade to YC)
YC: Narc! (he goes boom, too)
(NC pulls the last pin and holds the grenade)
NC: This is it. No turning back now.
(Roger pops up in the white room)
Roger: Goodbye, Critic. We had our laughs, but as we all know, all good things must come to an end.
NC: We'll see, Roger! We'll see! Hey, Scooby-Doo, where are you? I'll tell you where! In HEEEELLLLLL! (He puts the grenade in his mouth and hits it on the DVD, making him go boom. He then finds himself back in the white room) Jee! What happened? Did it work? Are the young me and the old me okay?
Roger: Hehehe. The old me and the young me. Next you'll be worrying about your goldfish.
NC: Pfft, come on, you know I ate them a while ago.
Roger: Yes, you saved humanity once again.
NC: Ye-e-eah! I am awesome! Whoo! Yeah, you owe me, world! You owe me! Ha-ha! Oh, I can't wait to celebrate with...oh, yeah. I...guess I have nobody to celebrate it with.
Roger: Well, maybe this time you can do things a little different.
NC: But, Roger, there's something I don't understand. I-it's something I never understood about film. If a movie is so bad and everybody hates it...then why is it still a big hit? Why do so many people keep watching 'em?
Roger: Well, eh...(he thinks, then gets a smirk) Oh, no. I won't tell you that. But I will tell you there is much that awaits you. (as he speaks, he floats over to a black void) Possibly beyond your wildest dreams. Or more terrifying than your worst nightmare. Either way, (he spreads his arms out) I'll be watching, and always making sure you have something to critique. See you...Dot, dot, dot!...Up there! (he's still standing there instead of disappearing, then walks off to his left)
NC: That was really quite beautiful until that whole awkward ending thing.
(A burst of white and he finds himself back in his room, waking up like it was a dream. He looks up and Rob comes over. He's a dinosaur.)
NC: Hey, Rob. What are you doing?
Rob: Getting snacks for the poker game. (he holds up bottles of alcohol, one being Absolut Vodka)
NC: Poker game? I never knew you did a poker game here!
Rob: Told you every night for the past five years. You just never listened. I'm a dinosaur. Bye.
(NC is then left alone. Upstairs, Rob's playing poker with 80s Dan and The Ghost Of Christmas Future)
Dan: So, Ghost of Christmas Future, you're the Grim Reaper as well?
Ghost: Well, being the angel of death is my light and fire job. I do that whole "ghost of christmas future" thing around the holidays just to pad the wallet. I got three kids and a nagging wife, I gotta buy presents for all of them. It's a nightmare.
Rob: I'm a dinosaur.
Ghost: This is undisputedly true.
Dan: Well, I think I'm gonna win tonight because I've been studying both your poker faces.
Ghost: ...Good luck with that.
NC: Um...(everyone looks up to see him)
Rob: Is there a problem?
NC: No, no, I, uh, just...thought I'd join you this evening.
Dan: Of course! Pull up a chair!
(NC sits down)
Ghost: (he hands NC the deck) Care to deal?
NC: Oh, thank you. You know, uh, I was actually quite the card player in my youth. (NC realizes he has friends here today) God, I should've done this a long time ago.
Dan: You were always welcome.
NC: Well, five card stud. Nothing wild, and the sky's the limit. (he begins dealing out the cards)
Ghost: You know we already have cards.
NC: Don't ruin the moment.
(And we end with a zoom out of the house before going to credits)
Quip: I know you can see my ring in a few shots.
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Fred as Daphne: I can look at myself naked!