June 28, 2016
(After the NC2016 opening, we cut to the Nostalgia Critic walking backstage going over some notes when a ray of light shines down, scaring him)
Voice: You thought my terror was over. You thought there was no more torture to confront? Well, you were wrong!
NC: Low-fat Jesus, what is that?!
Voice: The time has come to finish what you started years ago.
(The light leaves the room, leaving behind the DVD case for Scooby-Doo 2)
NC: Why aren't I used to stuff like this already? (That's when he notices the movie before him) Oh, God.
(Just as he picks it up, a not-suspicious-at-all security guard named Roger (Orlando Belisle, Jr) pops up)
Roger: Hello. Something I miss?
NC: No, security guard I didn't know worked here, except...a mystery.
Roger: Oh, yeah? And what mystery is that?
(Clips of the previous Scooby-Doo review play as NC in the past, present and future blow themselves up and Roger ascends to a new plane of existence)
NC: Well, the last time I reviewed a Scooby-Doo movie, it nearly killed me, creating a rift in the space-time continuum from an angel named Roger that I killed in a Christmas special years ago, links here. (The YouTube links are put on screen)
Roger: Aah. So there's only one person who could be responsible for this.
NC: Yes. And I have no idea who that person is.
NC: But I know the wild, wacky, mystery-solving group who can figure it out.
Roger: Do they involve hijinks?
NC: Of course.
Roger: Goofy antics?
Roger: Crazy misadventures?
NC: I feel that these are all variations of the same thing, but yes.
Roger: And who might they be?
NC: (takes out a cell phone and holds it to his ear) Get me Gus, Lassie and Jules.
Roger: (confused) What?
(A parody of the intro of the TV show Pysch is then shown, with the title "You Just Got Psyched". As the theme song plays, NC, Malcolm, Tamara and Jim are shown dressed as the main characters from the show and doing wacky detective things and situations, with opening credits being shown also. These credits include, "Nostalgia Critic as Shawn", "Malcolm as Gus", "Tamara as Jules" and "Jim as Lassie". The intro ends with the credit, "Lovingly Ripped Off by Channel Awesome")
NC (vo; singing): We know! We know! / You thought it'd be Scooby-Doo! / Don't go! We'll show! / Us still doing the review! / We love this show! / And the satires they do! / Here's one of them! / And you have to admit it, that we psyched you out in the end!
(We fade to NC and the group, all as the characters from Psych, looking at the DVD cover of Scooby-Doo 2)
NC/Shawn: So, what do you recommend, Jules?
Tamara/Jules: I think reviewing the movie will help lead you to the culprit.
(Roger pops up behind them)
Roger: But I'm right here...
Malcolm/Gus: I think we should get the hell out of here! (Runs away)
(The group continues talking with each other, unaware that an extremely confused Roger is behind them)
NC: God, I love the sound of your voice. What do you say you and me do an eight-year cocktease on par with The Office?
Tamara: What do you say you stop doing your aging Zach Braff impersonation?
Jim/Lassie: Listen, Spencer. You'd better get the dude in this review, so that I can go back to being a stick-in-the-mud to your comedic antics.
NC: Lassie, please. You're scaring my black sidekick.
(Malcolm is shown hiding behind a pole)
Malcolm: I'm not scared, Shawn!
NC: Will you get over here?
Roger: Excuse me...!
NC: All right. I'll review this movie, but only if we have callbacks to the 80s that people in their 20s and 30s will get.
Malcolm: That doesn't sound familiar?
NC: No, we'll try to get the millennials, too. Watch. (Speaks to the camera) Pokemon sucks. (Immediately, angry comments start covering the screen as an audience booing is heard) Still got it. (The group leaves the room, again ignoring a confused Roger. NC and Malcolm go into another room) You'd better go with them, Gus, while I uphold the status quo.
Malcolm: All right, but I'm still scared. You know I always dance when I get scared.
(Malcolm immediately starts dancing to electronic dance music, and he dances out of the room)
NC: Wow. He went with that dance?
(NC quickly gets back in his normal review get-up and sits down at his normal desk. Roger comes in)
Roger: Hey. Look, um, this really isn't that hard of a mystery to solve. You know, the answer might be right in front of you...wait. How did you change your clothes so fast?
NC: Well, again, like Psych, costume changes are kind of like blinking around here. We've probably stolen more from that show than The Mentalist, if that's possible.
Roger: Well, if you're looking for someone to blame for making you watch this movie, just know, (speaks in a sing-song tone) he's probably closer than you realize.
NC: Don't you have a door to be in front of or something?
(Roger nods in agreement and walks out, punching the door in frustration, secretly annoyed that NC has apparently not figured out it was him)
Roger: (as he punches the door) Madre de pendejo! (Son of a bitch!)
NC: Some people never open their eyes.
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): The film opens with a ray of hope, seeing how it was written by the director of Guardians of the Galaxy, James Gunn. But it's quickly dashed when you see it was directed by Raja Gosnell...
NC: ...which, as we all know, is the human incarnation of the phrase, "No refunds".
(The whole Mystery Inc. gang is shown attending the opening of a museum)
NC (vo): And, yes, all the same actors came back for this. Okay, you have no excuse. You know how bad the first film was! Don't you know these movies are churning out fans like this?
(Daphne is greeted by a pair of fat men)
Fat men: Hi! We love you! We have you tattooed on our chests! (They reveal that they do have tattoos of Daphne on their chests)
NC (vo; as Daphne): Oh, Christ. More Buffy fans.
(Scooby-Doo is shown drinking out of a Burger King cup)
NC (vo): Hey, stop eating that plug, Scooby-Doo. You seem to have fans as well!
(The fans NC mentions are three dogs, who bark at Scooby as he barks at them, the barks actually being translated with subtitles)
Dog #1: Sign my bowl!
Dog #2: Tug on my chew toy!
Dog #3: Sniff my butt!
(NC is unamused)
NC: If you like to see how this movie is making your kid dumber as he grows up, this movie comes complete with a Future Idiot Measuring Scale.
(An image of a group of politicians is shown between a silhouetted person)
NC (vo): So we see your kid was going to be a successful district attorney, but after that joke... (The image is replaced with an image of a man dancing on a pole, with the caption, "Injured? I'll take your case! Call 1-800-POLE-VAULT") Oh! He's an injury lawyer for Chippendalee pole dancers!
NC: But at least this movie shut him up for an hour and a half!
(A reporter named Heather Jasper-Howe is interviewing the gang)
Heather: Heather Jasper-Howe at the grand opening of the new Coolsonian Criminology Museum.
NC: (quickly and deadpan) She did it.
NC (vo): Yeah. Your literal first guess is right. Alicia Silverstone playing a pretty reporter in a Scooby-Doo movie for seemingly no reason at all. Who else could it possibly be?
(An old man named Wickles, played by the late Peter Boyle, is among the crowd, staring in silence)
NC (vo): No, no. Don't try to cut to a fake-out. We know it's her. Why else would she act in this career-ending final nail? She's not even holding the microphone up to the person she's interviewing! I've never seen someone so desperate to be found guilty in my life!
(Roger comes back in)
Roger: Everything okay? Any ideas coming into your head?
NC: (sighs) I'm fine, Tamara!
(Roger smiles angrily and slowly leaves again. Back to the movie, showing the gang now inside the museum, Daphne is talking with Shaggy and Scooby)
Daphne: Guys, come on. Remember what I told you?
Shaggy: Never pick your nose in public?
Daphne: No, but that's good, too.
Scooby-Doo: Image is everything?
Daphne: Yes. Image is everything.
NC: Then why are you wearing a dress made out of (image of...) Dino's pubic hair?
Fred: Mystery Inc. is proud to donate the costumes of criminals we've unmasked.
NC (vo): So the team is opening up an exhibit at the museum of all the costumes involved in the mysteries they've solved. And give them some credit, they are ones from the actual cartoon, and they look pretty close. What isn't from the cartoon is Velma having an attraction to...a guy?
NC: Okay. Now we know you've never seen the cartoon in your life! I think it's pretty obvious she'd been playing for the other team since she was a little kid! (An image of a drawing of Marcie from the Peanuts comics is shown)
(Velma sees a man named Patrick slowly walk towards her as a romantic pop song plays)
NC (vo): Let's see. What year did this come out? (The caption "2004" appears) Yeah, he's gonna trip.
(Patrick trips and falls to the ground)
NC: 2004, when all comedies were made up of...five jokes?
NC (vo): Yeah, you just know how Seth Green got in this movie. (As Patrick) Hey, can I cast all of you in Robot Chicken? (As Velma) Only if you'll suffer with us during Scooby-Doo 2. (As Patrick) Oh, trust me. I'm making a sketch on this.
Patrick: So maybe you'd want to go together, like a date, with me?
Velma: No, I, I can't, Patrick. A mystery is my mistress. I must heed her sweet call.
NC: You see, she didn't say "boyfriend", she said "mistress". Where are the hashtags on this one?! (A caption is shown saying, "#GiveVelmaAGirlfriend")
NC (vo): But somebody interrupts their Castlevania exhibit to start trouble.
(An evil villain known as the Evil Masked Figure, played by Scott McNeil, interrupts the ceremony)
Evil Masked Figure: Mystery Incorporated!
NC: (As the Evil Masked Figure) I have come to spoil the Turtles Coming Out of Their Shell Tour!
Evil Masked Figure: This is only the first rung of the ladder of your demise.
NC (vo): You know, this is why you never hire (picture of) Destro to be a (picture of Bozo) party clown.
(The Pterodactyl Ghost comes to life and roars)
NC (vo): He manages to bring the Pterodactyl to life, and it ends up stealing the costumes away. But it seems Scooby and Shaggy are blamed for letting him escape.
(At their headquarters, Scooby and Shaggy talk with each other)
Shaggy: You know, Scoob...we could act like real detectives.
NC: Why don't you start by not having every face you make look like (picture of Arin Hanson, better known as) Egoraptor trying to eat his own chin?
(Scooby mutters gibberish)
Shaggy: We will be awesome detectives!
NC (vo): So Shaggy decides to solve the mystery himself...oh, I mean, Shaggy and Scooby decide to solve the mystery themselves. Sorry, it's such a good effect, I had to remind myself how much he's really there. I mean, you feel like you could just reach out and touch the pixels. God, the CGI in this is terrible. Why can't we go back to practical effects, like when they go into a flashback, showing the original Pterodactyl suit...?
(The original Pterodactyl Ghost is shown, clearly shown as a made-up costume with a person inside it)
NC: Special effects are dead!
Daphne: Jacobo's cellmate was released from prison two months ago.
Fred: The Black Knight Ghost.
NC (vo): So they go to the opening of their own credits...again, a nice little homage...but who cares? These little kids have some killer insults.
(At a large mansion, the gang is encountered by two kids on bikes)
Kid: Nice job last night.
(The kid gives a sarcastic thumbs-up before turning it down)
NC: That is some stellar kid writing right there. God help you if they say something complementary followed by "Not!"
Daphne: Quick. We need to think of a comeback.
NC: To what? Babies learning how to talk had better insults than that.
Daphne: Hey! Shut up!
(The kids leave on their bikes)
Shaggy: That's a good one.
NC (vo): No, really. Compared to giving thumbs down and saying loser, that IS a good one. But not as good as the joke I'm sure you can't see coming.
(Fred prepares to ring the doorbell)
Shaggy: He just said we'd pay the price.
Fred: Shaggy, Shaggy, Shaggy. What could possibly happen by ringing a doorbell?
NC: I'm...lost to the exploration of possibilities that can come from this. (Images of what NC describes are shown) Maybe world peace suddenly breaks out. Or maybe a cure for all known diseases is discovered. Or, I don't know, maybe something bad happens.
(Possibility #3 is the correct answer. As soon as Fred rings the doorbell, the gang immediately falls down a trap door)
NC: How's that scale for your kid coming, by the way?
(The silhouetted person is shown again with an image of a university)
NC (vo): Oh, look at that! He was about to get into Harvard University. (The image is replaced with a Subway restaurant) Now he's working at a Wal-Mart Subway, serving cow snot as meat.
NC: Just be happy you didn't show him the movie with subtitles.
(After falling down the trap door, the gang falls into a large ball, which closes and goes for a ride)
NC (vo): Wow. For a guy who spent time in jail, he has a pretty big budget for a mechanical dungeon.
NC: I guess working in prison for 69 cents a day went a long way.
NC (vo): But Daphne uses her makeup to get them out.
Daphne: A little brush, a pore strip, and... (The ball cage the gang is trapped in opens) I enjoy being a girl.
NC: A nearly-30, quarter-life crisis-surviving girl.
NC (vo): Seriously, we should stop calling them Meddling Kids and refer to them as Meddling Mortgage-Payers on the Verge of Opening a Roth IRA...
NC: ...and their mangy dog, probably deceased by now. (An image of a gravestone saying "Scooby" is shown)
(The gang splits up and looks around the mansion. Mystery music with a chorus singing is heard)
NC (vo): So while touring through Danny Elfman's house, they come across another monster costume that's come to life.
(The Black Knight Ghost appears and begins dueling with Daphne)
NC (vo): The Star of Astoroth compels you! The Star of Astoroth compels you! (Speaks normally) Daphne tries to fight it off as Velma tries to deduce where its weakness is.
NC: Wait! This is 2004. We've already used one of the five jokes that's used everywhere. Surely the second one must be...
(Velma kicks the Black Knight Ghost in its groin)
Black Knight Ghost: (groans) Right in the round tables!
NC: (beat) I hope you didn't want him to pass high school...
(The silhouetted person is shown again with an image of three graduates, shortly replaced with an image of green paint)
NC (vo): ...because now he's drinking paint behind a Sherwin-Williams.
NC: Climb the ladder.
NC (vo): They get back home to find Seth Green is there waiting to ask a nervous Velma out on a date. So Daphne puts her in... (Velma is shown dressed in red, silky clothes, glasses off and with her hair down) Jinkies H. Christ!
NC: (stunned) Okay, I'm going to overlook the lesbian thing so that I can imagine for a moment that I can actually get that. (Imagines himself about to kiss Velma, until the thought bubble explodes and shows the word "Reality", annoying NC) DAMN IT! THAT ALWAYS RUINS EVERYTHING!
NC (vo): So while dressing like a sexy traffic cone with the head of Sarah Palin, Scooby and Shaggy sneak out to a bar where all the old villains they uncovered hang out.
NC: Now the curious thing about this idea is...it's actually kind of funny.
NC (vo): In fact, I dare even say the writing for this film is not...that bad. Some of these jokes are surprisingly kind of clever, like the stretch Mystery Van, or the fact that Scooby has a full name...
Heather: (from earlier in the movie) Norville "Shaggy" Rogers and Scoobert "Scooby" Doo...
NC (vo): Even lines like this clearly show there's some intelligence.
Velma: I have always found a criminal's inclination to incorrectly use the interrogative pronoun in place of the relative...delightfully absurd.
Patrick: Me, too.
NC: But here's the problem. The delivery of them is usually off.
NC (vo): Take this, for example. Shaggy needs an excuse for why him and Scooby need to separate. So he acts like Scooby has rabies.
Shaggy: Like, he's got rabies. (Scooby, his lips covered in whipped cream, groans) We're just gonna go outside to get some, uh, fresh air.
NC (vo): Now that's a funny idea: going to an extreme when a simpler excuse would've worked fine. But the directionless reactions, the bland shot layout, even cutting away too early, none of it is presented right. This could've gotten a laugh, but now it comes off as awkward and confused. In fact, the film is so uncertain of where the humor is supposed to be focused on that they try to overcompensate with way too many sound effects.
(Various sound effects heard in the movie are shown)
NC: That'll mask the fact that we have no idea what we're doing!
NC (vo): Look at this scene. Scooby and Shaggy are in disguise, and a woman flirts with Scooby. He's supposed to flirt back and be funny, but it just comes off as terrifying.
(A woman, Aggie Wilkins, approaches Scooby in disguise as a disco dancer with an afro)
Aggie Wilkins: Hey, handsome!
Scooby-Doo: Hello, baby. (Winks to the woman)
NC: That alone should get an R rating!
Scooby-Doo: Hello, baby. (Winks to the woman)
(A clip from the remake of The Fly, showing Jeff Goldblum's character, Seth Brundle, during his transformation into the fly-creature, is shown)
Seth Brundle: That's disgusting.
(Shaggy and Scooby, at the bar, encounter Wickles)
Wickles: Watch out, idiot!
NC (vo): Oh, my God. I wonder who's behind that mask...oh, it's just Peter Boyle.
Wickles: Get out of this game while you got a chance. All of us here ain't nothing to admire.
NC: (As Wickles) This is the place for the survivors of Pluto Nash. Together, we are strong! Alone, we are suicidal.
Wickles: If I see those twerps, I'd tear their eyes out of their skulls! (Makes a goofily sinister chuckle and face)
NC (vo): The face everybody makes before they walk out of this movie. You know, it is a Raja Gosnell film. Shouldn't there be a dick-piercingly bad musical number right about now?
(Scooby and a couple of dancers in the bar have themselves a dance number. The sequence is dubbed over with disco music)
NC: Wha...? This is exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, making his first public appearance...
NC (vo): ...the dog-faced hellspawn that has been in everybody's nightmares at some point! You thought he was gone for good, but Raja Gosnell has brought him back to eat your dreams!
NC: Congratulations! Your kid forgot what the #2 means!
(The silhouetted person is shown again with footage of the dance scene, with a caption below it saying, "#2 = Gone")
NC (vo): But apparently, somebody broke into the museum and stole the rest of the costumes. Kind of wish we got to see that instead of this soggy diarrhea. (The dance scene is shown again) Well, at least we know Silverstone didn't do it.
(At the museum, Heather talks with Daphne)
Heather: It's my job to unmask those who pretend to be who they're not.
(Suddenly, the Evil Masked Figure appears from the museum roof)
Evil Masked Figure: Mystery Incorporated! Soon, Coolsville will be mine! (Walks away from the roof)
NC (vo): Oh, look! He just walked away, having no purpose to that scene whatsoever, except, oh, I don't know, trying to trick us into thinking she's not the villain?
NC: By God! How do they write such a good mystery?
(The ray of light suddenly appears as Roger's voice is heard)
Roger (vo): So, Critic, you think you can watch this film without giving credit to the one who did it to you?!
(A safe is thrown towards NC, who manages to dodge it. As he recovers, he is back in character and clothes as Shawn. Malcolm, Tamara and Jim quickly join him)
Malcolm: What happened?
NC: A ton.
(Malcolm sees a rope on the roof)
Malcolm: Whoa. Somebody cut the rope up there to make that drop on you.
(Roger comes in)
Roger: Hey, guys. Any obvious clues around here?
(NC sees that Roger has rope marks on his hands, then sees his name tag on his shirt. He starts thinking)
NC: Mmm...I'm getting a feeling there's something we should notice about our security guard.
Tamara: What is it?
NC: I'm feeling that he has rope burns on his hand, appeared just after the accident...mmm, and has a name tag that reads Roger.
Roger: (shrugging sheepishly) Well...
(He points to three people, who have posted faces of the three actors mentioned. Roger is stunned)
Malcolm: Let's figure out which of these awesome celebrity guest stars is behind all this.
NC: Cuff them.
(As Tamara and Jim go to cuff the actors, NC and Malcolm begin dancing)
NC and Malcolm: We do the happy dance! We do the happy dance!
(Tamara approaches an extremely-confused Roger)
Tamara: Thank you for helping us solve this very complex mystery.
(She leaves. Roger is extremely stunned and confused as he watches NC and Malcolm still dancing off-screen)
Roger: Do you need to lick a frog to work here?!
(We go to a commercial)
(When we come back, we see Patrick beating up a person, as he is soon met by Shaggy and Scooby)
NC (vo): So we see Green beating up a guy for information, I guess trying to trick us again into thinking he might be the villain. Clearly not Silverstone, because...he walked away! I-je-it's impossib...he walked away!
Patrick: Gotta put on the tough guy act, otherwise these guys will, well, they'll eat me alive.
(Patrick soon starts yelling and making scary faces, scaring Shaggy and Scooby)
NC (vo): And Seth Green just cracked. It's okay. Every actor goes through that being on a Scooby-Doo movie. Remember Boyle's cracking moment?
(The scene where Wickles gives out a goofily sinister smile and chuckle is shown again)
NC: Just feel lucky he wasn't around a car. (An image of the Wallpaper episode from Everybody Loves Raymond is shown)
NC (vo): Speaking of which, they follow Boyle to an abandoned lab where they come across a bunch of various formulas.
Shaggy: Look at those weird letters, Scoob.
(He sees that Scooby had just drunk a vial, turning him into a monster with tentacles)
NC: Oh, Christ! It's...
NC (vo): ...Winnie the Tentacle-Porn! Could things get any more perverted...?
(Shaggy has drunk a vial, turning his body into that of a woman's. NC is stunned silent)
NC: I WANNA GO HOME!
NC (vo): Congratulations, movie. You gave Shaggy boobs. Was...this your goal? To give Shaggy boobs? Was...that the whole reason for this film existing? The only time the words "Shaggy" and "Boobs" should go together is in a British porno. (An image of a porno DVD titled "Shaggy Boobs" is shown)
NC: And even then, with a restraining order against Raja Gosnell!
(Scooby has drunk another vial, turning him into the animated Tazmanian Devil)
NC (vo): Oh, look. He's Taz now.
NC: (shrugs) Stupid.
(Scooby drinks another vial, turning him into a scientist version of himself)
NC (vo): And now he's a genius.
Scooby-Doo: (Speaking in a clear-sounding British voice while Shaggy, turned into a muscular imbecile, flexes his muscles) I long for the blissful ignorance of my former self. Chasing cats, licking my own rear end, eating my own vomit. Oh, those were wonderful times!
NC: I think we just saw Gosnell working through some personal stuff there.
(And after another potion drinking, returning Scooby and Shaggy to normal...)
NC (vo): The rest of the gang meets up, and they see where the costumes have been brought to life.
(Shaggy and Scooby are confronted by more live monsters. One of them includes Captain Cutler's Ghost)
NC (vo): Aah! The poster to The Thing!
Shaggy: You're not being calm! (Scooby slaps him in the face) I needed that. (Scooby slaps him again) I needed that, too. (Scooby punches him) YOU'RE PUSHING YOUR LUCK, SCOOB!
NC: And I think that was Matthew Lillard cracking on the movie.
NC (vo): Just imagine he's not talking about the dog, he's talking about the whole film.
Shaggy: YOU'RE PUSHING YOUR LUCK, SCOOB!
NC: Pretty credible.
NC (vo): They run away from the rejected Zelda henchmen and try to escape, not realizing that they've unleashed the monsters, and the city blames them.
(Heather is reporting the chaos from her news room)
Heather: Heather Jasper-Howe with an emergency update.
NC (vo; as Heather): Reporting live from Zardos.
Heather: A monster army has invaded Coolsville.
(In the streets, the Tar Monster covers the whole road with tar. The Evil Masked Figure flies by on a large ghost ship)
Evil Masked Figure: Find me Mystery Inc.!
NC: Well, to be fair, they do look more realistic than (picture of) the new Ghostbusters movie.
NC (vo): So they go to their own clubhouse where they used to be kids, because...nobody would look for Mystery Inc. in a place called "Mystery Inc."...and they remember when they were all in high school...a mere 20 years ago.
Fred: It all seemed so easy back then.
Daphne: We solved mysteries for the love of them, not to prove anything to anyone.
NC: (confused) I think that is the literal definition of solving a mystery: Proving things to everyone. No wonder you suck at what you do! You don't even know what you do!
NC (vo): But the monsters find them and continue to chase them down. Luckily, they give 'em the slip.
(The Pterodactyl Ghost chases after the gang on their van, but loses them when it crashes into a billboard displaying a baby; the Pterodactyl making a hole in the baby's head)
NC: Wait, that's not a baby.
NC (vo): Well, I guess it's better than crashing into this billboard.
(The scene is shown again, but with the billboard being an added display of a shirtless man, and the Pterodactyl making a hole in the man's underwear)
Pterodactyl Ghost (voiced by NC): Dude!
NC (vo): They come across the Black Knight yet again and, even though Daphne defeated him before* and knows exactly how to take him down, Fred decides to take him on.
*Actually, it was Velma who defeated the Black Knight earlier in the film.
(Fred and the Black Knight Ghost face off with each other in an jousting match. Both of them get hit and fall to the ground)
NC: Funny, because that weapon would've been...
NC (vo): ...very handy in fighting the electricity monster. (Daphne is shown attempting to fight the 10,000 Volt Ghost, but fails and ends up landing in front of Fred) Well, now you're both screwed, because Fred needed to make his dick feel a little bigger.
Fred: Daph, are you okay?
Daphne: Guess this is it, huh?
NC: (confused) No, this is laying on the ground for a few seconds while the monsters are far, far away from you. There's nothing "this is it" about that at all.
(Meanwhile, Scooby and Shaggy are chased by the Miner 49ner, though NC mistakes him for a pirate, but at this point, he probably wouldn't care)
NC (vo): Scooby and Shaggy come across the pirate ghost who breathes fire. But, it's okay, because Scooby farts!
(As the Miner breathes fire at them, Scooby deflects it back by farting. The Miner, his face completely burned, falls to the ground)
NC: And your kid has eaten his own brain!
(The silhouetted person is shown once more with an image of a girl eating a brain)
NC (vo): Congratulations! Your Red Box rental has taken a life!
NC: You could've been watching (DVD cover of...) Dora's Enchanted Forest Adventures. YOU COULD'VE BEEN WATCHING DORA'S ENCHANTED FOREST ADVENTURES!!
(Meanwhile, Velma encounters Patrick in an underground room)
NC (vo): But, once again, they try to make it look like someone else is the bad guy.
Velma: Stay away from me. I know who you are!
NC (vo): But that gets resolved when he saves Velma's life. Thank God she has a shadowy skirt.
(Patrick is hanging on to Velma from falling down a large drop)
Patrick: You got to trust me.
Velma: I only trust the facts! And all the facts say that you're the Evil Masked Figure!
Patrick: What does your heart say?
NC: (As Velma) That I have a better career with Disney than Warner Bros. at this point. (Images of Linda Cardellini's characters from Avengers: Age of Ultron and Gravity Falls, Laura Barton and Wendy Corduroy respectively, are shown)
NC (vo): She's saved, but the gang has to face the real mastermind and the monsters in their final battle.
(Scooby uses a fire extinguisher to freeze the Tar Monster)
NC (vo): I...somehow doubt that would freeze oil.
NC: This movie about a talking dog has finally jumped the shark for me.
(Scooby is shown preparing to place the control panel on the monster machine and press the reverse button, which will cause all the monsters to die and turn back into costumes)
NC (vo): He is allowed to give, I guess, a badass line.
Evil Masked Figure: (to Scooby) Who do you think you are?!
NC: (As Scooby) Mother-rucker!
NC (vo): So the monsters are all destroyed, and it's finally revealed who the mastermind is... (The Evil Masked Figure is revealed to be Heather) No shit.
Daphne: Luckily for her, she had an assistant helping her along with her evil plans. (Points to the cameraman) Ned.
(Ned, who was Heather's assistant posing as the cameraman, is quickly grabbed by police. NC is confused)
NC: Who is Ned?
NC (vo): Oh, the cameraman you almost never saw and was mentioned once, if even that?
NC: Way to drop those seeds of knowledge, movie.
NC (vo): But wait, there's even more.
(Heather is unmasked to reveal the true culprit, Dr. Jonathan Jacobo, the original Pterodactyl Ghost)
NC: (gasps) Wait, who's that?
NC (vo): The Pterodactyl guy who never got a line and they said was dead earlier? Wow! Not only is that a horribly put together mystery, but you clearly don't know how to use your Tim Blake Nelsons!
(Jacobo and Ned are taken away by police)
Ned: You were a dude this whole time?
Jacobo: Of course, dumbkoff.
NC: (snickers) Okay, maybe you know a little bit.
Ned: (disgusted) But we cuddled.
NC: (As Ned) I touched your Shaggy boobs!
NC (vo): But wait, just when you think it's over, they have a Marvel-style end credits sequence.
(Scooby is shown playing a video game of the movie on a Game Boy Advance)
Scooby-Doo: Game Boy Advance secret code. (Reveals the code on the Game Boy Advance screen. It's SD2 if you're curious.)
(NC is stunned, then annoyed)
NC: EVEN YOUR END CREDITS SEQUENCE SUCKS!
(Footage of the credits scene from Iron Man is shown, with Tony Stark's head being pasted with James Gunn's head)
NC (vo): If you really wanted to do this right, you'd have Samuel L. Jackson in an eye patch go up to James Gunn and say... (Imitates Nick Fury) "I'm here to talk about a proposition." (Shows a Photoshopped comic book of Guardians of the Galaxy)
NC: Because this is horrible! And the absolute worst thing about it is...
(The ray of light appears yet again. NC gasps, jumps off-screen and is back in character as Shawn)
NC: Gus, Lassie, Jules, get in here!
(All three rush into the room as Roger speaks)
Roger (vo): I see you haven't found the mastermind who gave you the movie yet, even though it's pretty friggin' obvious. It's almost like that movie "Roger Rabbit", or the location of the Jolly "Roger", because someone is obviously "Rogering" you. Roger. Roger, Roger, Roger, Rog- Write this down-(Tamara writes the name down on a notepad, but the name she is writing is Jules, not Roger) Roger, Roger, Roger! That's all I have to say. Please don't be stupid. (the light disappears)
(Roger appears from the doorway)
(NC and Malcolm jump)
Roger: Any news?
Malcolm: As a matter of fact, there is, Officer.
Jim: We know who's behind this ordeal.
NC: And that, of course, is....(As Roger waits with excitement, NC says...) Jules.
(Malcolm and Jim's heads turn to Tamara as Tamara becomes shocked. Roger is again stunned)
NC: Sorry it had to be this way, my love.
Malcolm: Let's end this by satirizing something that ties into the show's theme.
NC: Let's tap into the zany, mysterious antics of...."Class Act."
(A sequence titled Class Act shows Doug and Malcolm looking handsome is about to play, until Roger interrupts)
Roger (Angered): No! Goddammit! No! You did everything wrong! Everything! First you get the satire wrong, then you get the satire IN the satire wrong! Then you do these awful impressions on one of USA's longest-running series! For God's sakes! Your Tim Curry wasn't even WHITE!!
Roger: Then you try to solve this bullshit mystery that's so FRIGGIN' obvious, and you still! Get! It! Wrong! She's not the one who did it, it was ME! Roger! It was Roger all along! Roger! Roger! Ro-ger! Ro-ger! Ro-ger! Ro-ger! (starts panting, the others don't even move) Ro-ger... I'm Roger! I'm the one! (inhales) Roger.
NC: (after a beat) Yeah. We know it was you, Roger. But she's still the one who did it.
Tamara: Yeah, I'm definitely guilty.
Roger: But... It can't be! I did ev--
NC: (interrupts) Ah, you only think that you did it.
(The clips showing NC and his team solving the mystery are shown in black-and-white)
NC (vo): You see, I know that you laid the DVD there for me. But when I looked away, it was replaced by a slightly different version. The original, I then noticed, was snuck into Jules' pocket. My second clue was a ton that fell on me. I'm sure you tried to drop it first, but Jules cut the rope before you did, as I noticed her rope-cutting scissors she tried kicking under the couch. And finally, when you said, "Write down the name of the culprit", she didn't write "Roger." She wrote "Jules."
(Cut back to Roger looking confused and irritated at the same time)
Roger: But...what was the point of all this?
NC: Because I wanted to give something that the movie didn't. A good mystery.
(The clips from the original show, the movie, and the show's further incarnations are shown as NC gives his closing thought)
NC (vo): Sure, Scooby-Doo as a show is silly and not the best animated, but one thing it always had was a good mystery for kids. It taught them deductive reasoning, problem-solving skills. It was a show that made them smarter in every episode. That was the movie's ultimate failure. Sure, the sets were nice, and there was an occasional funny scene the actors could pull off, but the effects were awful, the jokes fell flat, and a multi-million dollar movie couldn't tell a better mystery than every episode of the shoestring budget cartoon! That's what makes it last through all these incarnations. Not just the silly characters, but the fact that it's making you more observant without even knowing it, as the best kind of teaching should be. So, I figured, do what the movie was trying to do: tell a fake-out mystery that actually faked you out.
(Cut back to Roger)
Roger: Okay. Well, now that that's out there, it's time to explain why I did this and how I came back!
Jim: Nah. Neither Scooby-Doo nor Psych care about the motivation.
Malcolm: Yeah, it's there, but it's more of a side note.
Roger: But it's so complex and interesting!
NC: No, no, no. Short and shallow is usually the way to go.
Tamara: Yes! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky kids and that mangy dog.
(Animated Scooby-Doo is shown)
(A laugh track is played. NC, Malcolm and Jim point down and laugh along)
NC: Now that's a satire.
(They continue laughing, as Roger is clearly furious)
Roger: WHAT THE FLYING FU--
(The image then freezes, and the words "A Hanna-Barbera Production" appear as the original Scooby-Doo theme song plays. Fade to black. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Scooby-Doo: Hello, baby.