And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Scott Pilgrim VS. The World."
(stares blankly) ...What the hell was that?
I mean there's drugs and then there's...this!
I mean it, man. This was friggin' weird!
(quickly) Oh, by the way, spoilers. This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life. Anyway, WEIRD!
There's this boy who's played by that boy who's gonna play a boy for the rest of his life.
And he falls in love with a girl named Knives.
I'm guessing they called her that because it was a hard birth.
And she's like, (very fast) "Oh my God, you're awesome! Oh my God, you're incredible! Oh my God, you're like a god! You're God! You're God! Oh my God, you're God! You're God! God, God, God, God, God!"
And the boy is like, (monotone) "Ehh, this sucks. I have a hot girlfriend who's totally crazy about me. Life is hell!"
But then he meets another girl whose hair keeps changing color like a mood ring.
And he's like, "Oh my God, this chick's a total bitch and she wants nothing to do with me. I want her!"
So the girl is like, "If you want to be my boyfriend, you have to defeat my seven evil exes!"
"Okay. Wait, what?"
"My seven evil exes!"
"Okay. Wait, what?"
"Seven!" (Holds up seven fingers)
"Evil!" (Holds up hands like claws)
"Exes!" (Holds up fingers in "x" shape)
"Okay. Wait, what?"
And at first I'm like, "Well, this is weird. I mean, Maybe this is just how he sees the world."
But it's like no! They all live in a world of sound effects and anime and video game references!
Oh! Well, maybe it's all a dream! Not a dream.
Dreams are sensical compared to this!
So then I'm like, "Maybe...they're all blitzed on drugs." (pause) Nope.
Trust me. I would know what that looks like!
This is just...sorta the world they live in!
It doesn't make sense, but...hot chicks are in it, so it flies!
So anyway, the boy is like, "I have to fight seven evil exes for you?"
"Well, god, you're so bitchy and hate everything in the world, you're totally worth it!"
"I bet my big boobs help too."
"And your big boobs help too!"
Oh, also, Macaulay Culkin's brother is in it, and he's gay! (long pause) That's about it.
So the boy fights all the seven evil exes.
One's a dance star. (does MJ pose) Hoo!
One's a movie star. (air kisses)
One's a vegan. (sounds snobby) Yes.
One's a really hot Southern chick.
And I'm like, "Please show a flashback! Please show a flashback!"
And the rest are...in there too.
Finally, he gets to the major bad ex.
And he's like, "I put a microchip in your girlfriend so now she will only obey me!"
"Can I have one of those?"
"Ah, no." (punches him out)
So Knives comes in to fight alongside the boy.
And she's like, "Even though you were a jerk, I'm still gonna fight alongside you!"
(He goes to speak then stops, thinking)
...Fight! (Sissy fights with himself)
So the boy defeats the number one evil ex, Knives saves his life about a bajillion times, and she's like, "Hey, we make a good team! You wanna go back out with me?"
"It's the 'Twilight' complex. I have to go out with the person who's the absolute worse for me."
(raises hand) "And that would be me!"
(Looks back and winks)
"Why do I even bother?" (Walks away)
(shrugs) "I dunno."
So, as you can see, this movie was weird!
You ever go to an anime con? Just imagine a whole movie like that!
It's like if you got a person drunk, gave him a bunch of drugs, spun him around and then sent him off to an anime con, this is what he would see!
And by God, that does not sound like a bad idea.
To the liquor store!
All that's missing is a bunch of bright flashes to give you a seizure!
(Light flashes quickly, making Chester go cross-eyed before collapsing)
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least give me some money to help that boy grow up! He's been halfway through puberty 20 years now!