(The Dreamworks-uary logo is shown, before showing clips from Shark Tale. The song "Good Foot" by Justin Timberlake and Timbaland plays throughout)
Doug (vo): Will Smith fish is scary, okay? I'm just putting it out there right now. Will Smith as a fish is fucking disgusting. It's gross. I don't like looking at it. The idea that it's the main character is just fucking idiotic! Oh, and the movie Shark Tale, it really blows. Yeah. A good chunk of that comes from the fact that... (disgusted) Eww! Just look at the design of this thing! It's...DAAH! What kind of movie would allow a design like this to exist? Well, that's one of the main problems with the movie. It just sort of seems like a dumb idea from the start. Like, maybe it could be a little imaginative, but it seems more like an excuse to make a popular soundtrack with a lot of artists on it, and to shout a lot of catchphrases and promote a lot of in-jokes and, ugh, some really horrible puns.
Katie Current: I'm Katie Current.
Starfish: Mussel Crowe!
Fish: Get out your shell-phones and call into the bus.
Doug (vo): Ehh...I'm not gonna lie. Out of all the Dreamworks animated movies, this one feels like the worst. It just feels like something that was created for marketing surveys. Like, what are the kids liking nowadays? Well, they like fish (A picture of Marlin and Dory from Finding Nemo is shown) and they like Will Smith. (A picture of him is shown) Throw that shit together, throw in some pop culture phrases, and you have shit! (Sighs) All right, all right, let's look at the story.
Doug (vo): Will Smith fish, yeah, that's what I'm calling him. I know the character has a name (Oscar), but fuck it, you're never gonna call him that, you're just gonna call him Will Smith fish. He's a fun, happening kind of guy who's being admired by Renee Zellweger fish (Angie). Again, I'm sure it has a name, but it's just Renee Zellweger as a fish. He works at a whale wash instead of a car wash...now, to be fair, that's actually kind of a clever idea. But things get out of hand when his boss, played by Martin Scorsese fish (Sykes), orders him to be axed because he couldn't pay the amount of money that he owed. Through a misunderstanding, Will Smith fish seems to have killed a shark (Frankie), which suddenly turns him into a hero, making everybody think that he's now the Sharkslayer. And as long as he doesn't let anyone know that it was all just a mistake, he remains the town hero. But somewhere across the sea, Robert De Niro shark (Don Lino) is having troubles with Jack Black shark (Lenny). They belong to some sort of shark mafia that Robert De Niro shark is the head of. But Jack Black shark is a vegetarian and doesn't like eating fish, which is a big letdown to father Robert De Niro shark. So to escape the family life, he makes a deal with Will Smith fish. They'll make it look like Will Smith fish kills Jack Black shark, and thus, he can disguise himself as a dolphin and start a new life over, blending in with the rest of his fishy buddies.
Doug (vo): The problems in this movie seem pretty obvious and, yeah, they are. A lot of the dialogue is just catchphrases, in-jokes and puns. And on top of that, you almost never see these characters as actual characters, you just see the celebrities representing them. Also, you know my hatred for the whole "liar revealed" story, and while this one doesn't follow it quite exactly, it has a lot of the same elements and still doesn't throw in that many surprises. Let me put it this way: there's still a lot of moping and doping, it just doesn't happen after he reveals the lie. So we still get those really boring scenes that you don't give a shit about. I'll give it credit that some of the actors they choose were unique choices, and, yeah, sometimes, their deliveries can get a laugh, particularly out of Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro. But Will Smith doesn't bring anything that he couldn't bring to any other role, Renee Zellweger is a pretty pointless choice, Jack Black has an incredibly annoying voice in this. (Groans disgustedly once Angelina Jolie's character is shown) Even Angelina Jolie fish (Lola)! Oh, I forgot to mention her. (Groans again) You know they just picked them because of the names and no other reason.
(Clips mainly focusing on Oscar are shown)
Doug (vo): And on top of that, here's another big problem with the movie. I think the Will Smith fish is too stupid and too selfish. I mean, we know he's gonna do the right thing in the end, but Renee Zellweger fish gives him a pearl that I guess her mother or her grandmother gave her that's supposed to be worth a lot and that's gonna get him out of debt. What does he do? He doesn't pay off the debt. He goes to the races and bets it. Okay, that's not a charming little mistake, that is a dick move. And there's a couple times he does stuff like that, something where he's supposed to be dependable, but it's not like a funny little mistake or something clumsy gets in the way. He makes a choice and they're usually very dickish choices.
Doug (vo): So, yeah, for me, I couldn't find much to like in this film. I thought the underwater world wasn't that creative, the celebrities were mostly pointless, the puns insufferable, sometimes, they get a laugh, but, God, the longer I have to look at Will Smith fish, the quicker I want to turn it off. And I suggest you get the jump on turning it off before you even start watching it.
[The shot of the city is shown as we fade out]