(The Dreamworks-uary logo is shown, before showing clips from Shrek. The song "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth plays throughout)
Doug (vo): All right, guys. Get the hate mail ready. I mean, really. Get them ready. Get your fingers on the keyboards. Here we go... I don't like Shrek.
[An inevitable clip from "The Empire Strikes Back" plays briefly]
Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOO!
Doug (vo): You heard right. I don't like Shrek. Do I hate it? No. Do I think there's some funny moments? Absolutely. But I thought the movie I was gonna get was gonna be a LOT funnier, a LOT darker, and a lot more creative, which is not to say this film doesn't have any of those elements. It does, it has...bits of those elements. But for what I thought I could get and for what I did get, I just think it's really lacking. So, how can I be such an uneducated, cold-hearted bastard? I'll tell you after the story.
Doug (vo): Shrek, voiced by Mike Myers, is an ogre who lives in the swamp. He enjoys scaring the villagers and being just an all-around disgusting creature. That is, until one day, a bunch of fairy tale characters are suddenly thrown into his swamp. The reason is the ruler of the land (Lord Farquaad), played by John Lithgow, doesn't enjoy them anymore and wants them out of his sight. When Shrek goes to complain, the ruler sees an opportunity. You see, he's looking for a bride, and the prettiest one he can find is Fiona, voiced by Cameron Diaz, who's a princess locked in a tower. He convinces Shrek that if he goes and saves her, he'll get rid of all the enchanted elements in his swamp. Shrek agrees and is accompanied by a donkey (Donkey), voiced by Eddie Murphy. So the journey is on to fight off dragons, Robin Hood, and rescue the fair maiden who, turns out, may have a few secrets of her own.
Doug (vo): Okay, so what don't I like about this film that has since nowadays become like the ultimate staple in movies to show your kids? Yeah, like, I guess people really show this to their kids. I'm a little disturbed by that, but... (The DVD cover for the Garbage Pail Kids Movie is shown) ...eh, there could be worse. So, what's my main problem with Shrek? I can tell you in one word: boring! Most of it is just listening to Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy talk and...I just don't think it's funny! Everyone was going on and on about Eddie Murphy in this movie, I was getting really excited to see him and just--
[Donkey comes into Shrek's house]
Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles.
Doug (vo): Waffles, really? That's your big clincher? I'm not even sure I get it. Is it 'cause he's a donkey and has hooves, and can't...make...waffles? What's the joke?! There's a scene where Shrek's trying to talk about how complex he is by comparing him to an onion and--
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfaits", they say, "Hell, no. I don't like no parfaits." Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! (whispers) See you later.
Doug (vo): Ugh, I'm s...I j...I don't find it funny! There's a scene where they're crossing the bridge and--
Donkey: Don't do that!
Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (swings the rope bridge)
Donkey: Yes! That!
Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to swing the bridge as Donkey screams)
Doug (vo): I'm sorry! I'm trying! I mean, I really wanted to like this movie, but every time I see it, I just fall asleep!
[Several more funny scenes are shown]
Doug (vo): Now don't get me wrong. The scenes that are funny are really, really funny. Like, for example, I like the scene where the Mirror's talking like a dating show host. The Gingerbread Man, in general, is pretty funny. That sort of weird theme park that's sort of a slam at Disney World, I got some laughs out of that. I just wish it was doing more humor like this, the satire humor.
[The film's main characters are shown]
Doug (vo): It was anything that had to focus on the characters that I wasn't really getting into. I just didn't find the characters that interesting or that funny or even designed that uniquely. I surprisingly don't have a problem with the dark stuff either. Maybe that's because I never really saw these as kids' films, I sort of saw them as older children and adults, and, yeah, like I said, I think it's a little weird that people show their little kids this.
[One scene about to mentioned is shown]
Doug (vo): But I'm fine with the darker humor. When she sings and blows up the bird, that had me laughing on the floor. And then, what are they gonna do with the eggs? Is she gonna raise them--? No, she cooks them! That's fucking great! More of that, please! More of that!
[Several sad scenes start showing]
Doug (vo): But, no! What do we get? We get the princess and Shrek misunderstanding, and they go and mope and dope and...oh! This is just as bad as the "liar revealed" bit! Why are you supposed to feel bad here? You know exactly what's gonna happen! They're gonna realize they were idiots and get back together! Oh, God, oh, and the stupid dumbass pop song, just...AAAGGH! I know, I know, I'm probably being too harsh on it, but it just feels like there's a really smart inventive crew behind this. And I wanted to see more of those jokes instead of these...really not-that-imaginative characters.
[Some of the film's final scenes are shown]
Doug (vo): But now, I will say this about the characters' story. The moral at the end, while done to death, is executed great. I thought this was the fairy tale ending that a lot of other Disney fairy tales should have had. It adds a unique twist, but still makes them really happy, and it really serves the moral of what they're talking about. In that sense, I actually think the movie is great to show to kids. I think it gets across the message much stronger. But, (sighs) I still got to sit through onion talk and bridge talk and fighting the dragon...
[One of the side characters, the Dragon, is shown]
Doug (vo): Oh, yeah, there's a female dragon, like, that...that apparently got a big laugh, I guess. Female dragon, huh? Okay, her getting together with the donkey is pretty funny, but...th...yeah...that's a lot of build-up for just that one joke.
Doug (vo): I guess, in the end, I don't really hate the film, because there is some genuinely funny stuff and I think there is some very unique ways of delivering its story and its message. I guess I was more just shocked at how much people were taking to it like this was a brand new way of looking at film, and...I don't know, I've seen this stuff in Simpsons, I've seen Disney sort of do it, and...it just didn't seem that new or avant-garde to me. And on top of that, I guess I didn't see it as funny as everyone else did either. But, clearly, I'm missing something, because people fell in love with this film. People still love it, they still watch it a million times, and it's like this "big wonderful classic". But I guess it's just not my flick. (beat) Now, Shrek 2, on the other hand...we'll get to that awesomeness later.
[The final scene of the movie is shown as we fade to black]