Shrek 4D (Part 2)
Some Jerk With A Camera
Original Air Date
August 28, 2015
Shrek 4D (Part 1)
Escape From Tomorrow (Part 1)
(We open to black with the caption...)
Announcer: Previously, on Shark Movies...
(Cut to "Shark Movies," a Channel Awesome show where movies are "Reimagined," very short and have shark puppets, it's quite silly. Here we see a shark puppet dressed as Shrek and an Alligator puppet with false bunny ears as Donkey.)
Shrek/Shark puppet: Aye, aye, swamp, swamp, Donkey, Donkey, I'm an Ogre!
Announcer: And now, back to Dad Puns: The Ride!
(Ghost Dad then pops up in front of the caption.)
Ghost Dad: Ghost Dad Puns!
Announcer: Shut up!
Ghost Dad: NEVER!
(We then cut back to Shrek and Donkey after going through the Gingerbread Man's house.)
Jerk (v/o): So, after the Gingerbread Man tells a joke so horrible, it broke my show for two months, he gets smashed into a tree (His face remaining on the tree), but does not turn into a ghost because, say it with me:
Jerk and other people (v/o): Gingers don't have souls!
Gingerbread Man/CopperCab (v/o): GAH! ANOTHER VIDEO!
Jerk (v/o): Anyway, Lampwick and Fat Bastard here follow the kidnapper (Thelonius) into a graveyard; where, naturally, Shrek gets possessed by the revenge seeking ghost of Chris Farley!
(Shrek is then dubbed over by test footage of Chris Farley as Shrek, who would've played the role if not for his death 1997.)
Shrek/Chris Farley (v/o): AH! HELP! A BIG, STUPID STINKY, SMELLY OGRE!
(Donkey gets his tail caught by a ghost hand.)
Donkey: Ah (the ghost hand lets him go and he goes to Shrek.) SHREK! SHREK! (Accidentally runs into his butt) I feel dead people!
Eddie Murphy's Kids/Jerk (v/o): Dad, you're not funny, please stop.
Shrek: Ah, now don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts?
Jerk: Well, I am a little afraid of ghost movies from 2003 that star Eddie Murphy and involve theme parks, somehow. (See Parts 1, 2, and 3 of Jerk's Haunted Mansion review with Count Jackula and Horror Guru.)
Ghost Dad: Racist.
Ghost Dad: FILTH, LEARN FILTH!
Donkey: I'm not afraid.
(Shrek the turns around and spooks Donkey into accidentally knocking over Humpty Dumpty's statue/gravestone.)
Shrek: (Laughs) What a crack up!
Mike Myers' Kids/Jerk (v/o): You know, this is why Mom left you.
(The two then see Lord Farquaad's grave with a statue of Farquaad fighting the dragon heroically.)
Shrek: Talk about re-writing history.
Shrek/Jerk (v/o): And solving a mystery!
Jerk and singers: (Sing)
Spazz Master's Ghost: STOP! IF WE RESORT TO THAT LEVEL OF REFERENCE, THEN WE"RE NO BETTER THAN THIS MOVIE!
Jerk: This movie is giving me nothing to work with!
Ghost Dad: (Pops up) Yeah, you know, this reminds me of that theatrical production based on the dictionary, it's a play in words. Blah, Ghost Dad! (Speeds off)
Jerk: (Angry) My kingdom for a proton pack.
Shrek: (Looking at Farquaad's statue.) I wonder if he's behind this.
Donkey: Oh, that's just crazy talk!
(We the see Farquaad's ghost laugh and shush us.)
Ghost Dad: Ahh! A ghost!
(He speeds off as we then cut to the Ghostbusters Fire House as receptionist, Janine Melnitz, played by TricksterBelle/Haley Baker Callahan, answers the phone.)
Janine Melnitz/TricksterBelle: Ghostbusters, what do you want?
Ghost Dad: (Talking into a phone that Jerk is holding up for him.) Help us! We're being attacked by spooky ghosts and their hideous wordplay!
Janine/TricksterBelle: Sorry, we don't serve Channel Awesome members after "the Casper Incident." That 'Nostaglia Cricket' scab man made us all look like amateurs. Hold, please. (Puts another phone waiting on.) Ghostbusters, what do you want?
(Cut to a blue version of Bill Cosby, Kill Bosby from Jerk's outtakes specials on the phone.)
Kill Bosby: Yes, I'll be performing at a gas station in West 'Verginia' and I'll definitely be some hilarity. Want to meet up later for some drinky-drinks?
(Janine/TricksterBelle then hangs up the phone and reads a nearby copy of Variety, where she discovers...)
Janine/TricksterBelle: "A reboot with a..." what? (To the camera) "Who ya gonna call?" Not me, apparently! (She then throws the magazine away and the "Ghostbusters" sign falls down.)
Jerk (v/o): So, the ghost of Farquaad reveals himself and brings the great stone dragon to life, somehow. But then the real Dragon shows up to rescue Shrek and Donkey, so Devon and Cornwall here (Dragon and the stone dragon) give chase, and I gotta admit, any chase scene between two fire breathing dragons has to try a lot wrong to not be awesome...(Shrek falls off Dragon onto the stone dragon, He's about to breath fire at Shrek, but he farts at him causing the stone dragon to feel the flames) And that was it.
(The stone dragon then follows Dragon to a hole in a mountain.)
Donkey: Detract wings, now! (She does so and swoops through the hole. The stone dragon follows but cannot detract his wings. So, as he goes through the holes, his wings are destroyed) Turn and burn!
(As the Stone Dragon makes his way out of the hole, he then falls a 100 feet into water.)
Stone Dragon/Figment The Dragon/Jerk (v/o) (Says as he falls) One little spaaaaaaark!
Spazz's Ghost: (Sad) Figment (The Dragon)?
Jerk: (Overjoyed) THE BEAST IS DEAD! YES!
(He laughs as he, Conspiracy Guy's Ghost, and Ghost Dad (The latter two with each other) dance to "Cleaning Up the Town")
Spazz’s Ghost: He was my world!
Ghost Dad: He ate you!
Spazz’s Ghost: I WAS DELICIOUS! YOU GUYS SUCK! (He grumbles) Grumble. Stupid ghosts, wouldn’t know imagination if it hit you in the boner. (Realizes, to Jerk) Wait, wouldn’t that (fall) make him a ghost? (The music stops as the three realize this. They then feel and hear footsteps of something big coming. Spazz’s ghost looks delighted as we see from the nearby Californian hills, the giant ghost of Figment the Dragon (Well, the ghost of a plush toy of Figment).) HI, FIGMENT!
(Figment roars as Jerk, Conspiracy Guy’s Ghost, and Ghost Dad scream.)
Jerk (v/o): Anyway, Hulk and Gladys: The Groovy Mule here (Shrek and Donkey) go from chasing dragons to chasing waterfalls.
Figment The Dragon’s Ghost/Jerk (v/o): THAT JOKE LACKED IMAGINATION!
Jerk: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!
Spazz’s Ghost: You dare try to silence our lord and master? (He has his arms crossed but still partially raises his left hand) HEIL FIGMENT!
Figment’s Ghost/Jerk (v/o): HEIL FIGMENT!
(The two repeat saying “Heil Figment!” as Jerk and Ghost Dad watch them hovering above them.)
Jerk: Well, Spazz has gone “bye-bye.” Ghost Dad, what do you got left?
Ghost Dad: You know, it’s at times like this when I become terrified beyond the capacity for any rational thought. I reflect on how important it is to live everyday as if it’s the Purge! (He fires a gun in the air) Yeeha!
Jerk: You know, I think I finally figured out what’s going on around here. (Cut to the character of Beetlejuice walking around the park) You’re trying to make me leave this park by driving me insane, aren’t you?
Beetlejuice: Yes, I am!
Jerk: Well, I got news for you, it is not gonna… (Sings)
Work all night on a drink a’rum. (He then starts dancing to Harry Belafonte’s “Banana Boat Song” and we then see Spazz’s, Conspiracy Guy’s, and Figment the Dragon’s ghosts with Ghost Dad, the "Shrek 3D” DVD, and Casper from the Nostalgia Critic Review dance at the bottom of the screen.) DAMN IT!
Beetlejuice: (To the camera) This guy, I don’t know.
(Cut to Lord Farquaad’s Ghost with Princess Fiona, whose hands are tied, by the waterfall.)
Lord Farquaad’s Ghost: You might as well stop struggling, Princess. Soon, you and I will be together forever, and with you as my spirit queen, I will be king of the Underworld!
(Cut to a clip from Disney’s “Hercules”)
Hades: (Faces turns red and the flames on him get bigger) WHAT?!!!!
Jerk: Actually, fun fact:
Jerk (v/o): John Lithgow (The voice of Lord Farquaad) was hired to be the voice of Hades at one point (for the Disney film), before being replaced by notorious coke (Corrects himself) –a Cola drinker, probably, James “Please Don’t Sue Me” Woods! And you know how Farquaad was modeled visually off of (Michael) Eisner? Hades was modeled vocally off of (Jeffrey) Katzenberg!
Ghost Dad: I thought the fun facts were supposed to be fun?
Jerk: Go fuck yourself!
Ghost Dad: Okay! (He takes out a drink, puts roofies in it and he drinks it, then falls down.)
Jerk (v/o) Then, "Shrek-It Ralph” shows up to gallantly rescue his maiden fair so naturally, that he screws up as they all (He, Donkey, and Fiona) go over the falls.
Farquaad’s Ghost: They all fall for me sooner or later! (Chuckles)
John Lithgow’s Kids/Jerk (v/o): Dad, we changed our minds, we want to go live with Mom.
John Lithgow/Jerk (v/o): She’s in prison.
John Lithgow’s Kids/Jerk (v/o): You heard me.
Jerk (v/o): And, of course, they’re saved by a dragon ex-machina! (The dragon then breathes fire at Farquaad’s ghost.)
Farquaad’s Ghost: (Tries to float away) No! Noooooooooo! (The fire then hits him, turning him into tiny heads that say…) Nooooo! (And then the heads disappear.)
Jerk: Wait, wait, wait, fire destroys ghosts? Fire? So, Ray, Egon, and Winston could’ve been using flamethrowers the whole time? If you die in a fire, does your ghost automatically evaporate before it even has the chance to float away? That doesn’t seem fair.
Conspiracy Guy’s Ghost: No, no, no, the fire thing was just something the Banshee from “Darby O’Gill” made up, so it could go home early.
(We then cut to a clip from Disney’s “Darby O’Gill and the Little People.” Darby O’Gill throws a lantern at the banshee, it disappears, leaving only the bush behind it to catch fire.)
Figment’s Ghost/Jerk (v/o): (Upside-down) That’s, in reality, we ghosts can only be defeated by (Slightly scared)…the evil one.
Jerk: Who’s ‘the evil one?’
Con Guy’s Ghost: (Serious) We do not speak his name!
Ghost Dad: (Serious) They say the evil one is deformed, no one’s ever seen his face.
Spazz’s Ghost: No one even knows if he has a face. But, you will know him by the bone chilling sound of his approach.
Jerk: (Concerned) What do we do?
Spazz’s Ghost: Keep an eye out and if you see or hear him, (In a small whisper) run!
Jerk (v/o): So, with “Lord fark.com” (Farquaad) defeated, our heroes...wait a minute, wasn’t he the one showing us this story in the first place? Why would he show us a story where he loses?
Ghost Dad: LOOK, IT’S THE EVIL ONE!
(The four ghosts run as Jerk is stationary, as we see that the evil one chasing the ghosts is…Pac-Man, though the original circle, not the version with limbs.)
Jerk: Another yellow character.
Jerk (v/o): And finally, the married couple travels by dragon to the Hotel Honeymoon!
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Yes, The Hotel Honeymoon: “Causing more unplanned pregnancies than One Direction!”
(Dragon and Donkey then drop off Shrek and Fiona at Hotel Honeymoon)
Donkey: (To Dragon) Let’s go home and make some waffles! (He starts to sing as the two fly off) Have I told you lately that I love you?
Fiona: (To Shrek) Waffles?
Shrek/Jerk (v/o): It’s slang for the most despicably, unconscionably perverted sexual act a dragon can do to a donkey, can we try it later?
Jerk (v/o): And the fairytale creatures are all there, having been freed from their torture, for some reason, now that Farquaad is double dead.
(We see Pinocchio interrupt Shrek and Fiona’s kiss.)
Fiona: (To Pinocchio) What are you doing?
Pinocchio: Um, nothing.
(His nose grows as we hear audio of Pinocchio in a Geico commercial.)
Geico Pinocchio (v/o): You have potential!
(We cut to Jerk back at the phone booth on the phone listening to a phone message from Janine/TricksterBelle as Pac-Man chases the ghosts.)
Janine/TricksterBelle (v/o): You have reached Ghostbusters. We are currently closed for rebooting. If you’d like a frustrating compromise, press “Ghostbusters II.” If you’d like an interminable barrage, press “Ghostbusters III.” If you’d like an Asgardian receptionist, please stay on the line.
Ghost Dad (v/o): He’s out of power, get him!
(The ghosts now chase Pac-Man now that the ghosts aren’t blue, but are the same colors as Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.)
Janine/TricksterBelle (v/o): If you want to know why we didn’t use flamethrowers the whole time, the answer is actually very simple, you see…
(We then cut to a spit screen of the live action “Cat in the Hat” film with the Cat dressed like Carmen Miranda and Guru Pitka playing a cover of Steve Miller’s “The Joker” in “Love Guru.” Jerk then gets between the split screen to like opening two heavy doors.)
Jerk: WHO THE HELL IS EDITING THIS?!?!
(But the scene doors close as “Cat in the Hat” and “Love Guru” plays.)
Jerk: So, that’s “Shrek 4D” and, yeah, it’s pretty bad. Not even entertainingly bad and definitely not the torture promised by the pre-show. But, even if you like “Shrek,” I can only recommend this if you’ve already done absolutely everything else in the park. The whole point of theme park entertainment, especially in Universal’s best rides, is interactivity or at least the illusion of it; the feeling that you, personally, have stepped into the story, even if you’re not really affecting it. But, aside from the pre-show, the ride doesn’t even have that pretense, and to be fair, neither did “Captain EO,” but at least that was entertainingly batshit. This (“Shrek 4D”) is just mediocre (We then cut to the line for the ride), and half of these people in line for it can watch it on Netflix on their phones. So, why waste the valuable theme park real estate? Especially now that fucking Hogwarts (The Wizarding World of Harry Potter) is going up right next-door! Yet despite or perhaps, because it’s overstayed its welcome, they recently doubled down on it by adding Donkey to the pre-show.
(We see an animatronic head of Donkey comment on the dungeon room)
Donkey: This place is interesting, “#50shadesofgrey!”
Jerk (v/o): OWW! OWWW! Okay, okay, I’ll talk, I’ll talk!
(We then cut to a clip from the first Shrek with Lord Farquaad dubbed by George W. Bush.)
Lord Farquaad/George W. Bush (v/o): This government does not torture!
Jerk (v/o): There’s a reason why Disney doesn’t automatically build rides off of every successful movie they make (We get examples of successful Disney films with no rides like “The Lion King,” “The Incredibles, “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe,” “Up,” “Alice in Wonderland (2010),” and “Tangled”). Rides are meant to last (We get examples of mediocre to bad movies that did get rides like Splash Mountain to “Song of the South,” Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to “Ichabod and Mr. Toad,” Dinosaur at Disney’s Animal Kingdom to “Dinosaur”), and for all their best efforts, there’s no way to know how well a film will stand the test of time (Cut to a clip from “I Am Legend” of Robert Neville (played by Will Smith) watching “Shrek (2001)” with Anna Montez and Ethan) without the aid of Will Smith’s personal apocalypse.
Announcer/Jerk (v/o): “Shrek!” “It’s literally better than nothing!”
Robert Neville: I like “Shrek.”
Jerk (v/o): And I daresay, the DreamWorks hubris that shit “Shrek” down all our throats is the very same hubris that... (pause, sighs) Well, let’s just say that there’s a reason that this (We see the “DreamWorks” logo”) tends to follow this (We see the logo for “Touchstone Pictures”) these days.
(We then cut to Jerk next to the ghost of Figment)
Jerk: And now that that’s settled, let’s see who Figment really is!
(Jerk pulls off the head to discover…)
Jerk, Spazz’s Ghost, Con Guy’s Ghost, and Ghost Dad: David Ganssle (Aka Doggans)!
Jerk: Of course, he was trying to BLITZSTRAVAGANZA the west coast parks without me noticing!
Spazz’s Ghost: Or me!
Jerk: Shut up, you’re dead.
- David Ganssle/Doggans is another theme park reviewer (like Jerk and Spazz Master), he was in Jerk’s Epcot retrospective and his brother Nicholas Bogroff Ganssle has appeared in several of Jerk’s reviews.
David Ganssle/Doggans: And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling…line? (We then get a series of fake outtakes of David Ganssle getting the words wrong,) And I wouldn’t have gotten away with it, too, if it was for you meddling…wait? And I would’ve away with it you, if it gotten for to…god damnit! And he wouldn’t have eaten some hay with it three if you mad king lids were…(Frustrated) Idiot! (We see it’s not outtakes for Jerk and the ghosts, as they look unenthused by David Ganssle’s mistakes.) And I ould’ve-cay otten-gay ow-ay ith-way it un-tay if ot-nay ou-yay eddling-may…wait?
Ghost Dad: (To Spazz and Con Guy’s ghosts) Hey, Michael J. Fox is looking for a new batch of Frighteners, want to try out?
Con Guy’s Ghost: Hell, yes, absolutely!
Spazz’s Ghost: Sure, I’m down.
Ghost Dad: Okay, I’m gonna go rape some Jell-O.
David Ganssle: (Reading the script) “And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if not for you meddling ghosts,” nailed it! (He looks around to see Jerk and the Ghosts have abandoned him.) Hello?
(He looks around for them as we cut to Jerk at City Walk, depressed, as Spazz Master joins him and not the ghost of Spazz Master, he’s alive again.)
Spazz Master: What’s eating you?
Jerk: Thought you were dead?
Spazz: I got better.
Jerk: Well, I don’t know. I’m just so sick and tired of reviewing watered-down, committee tested, lowest common denominator schlock. You know, just once, I want to review something pure, something that’s one artist’s vision, uncorrupted by outside influence!
Spazz: You’re the theme park guy. The last theme park that was one artist’s vision was...
(Cut to the 1955 telecast of the opening of Disneyland)
Walt Disney: To all who come to this happy place…
Jerk (v/o): GET THAT LYING NAZI OFF MY SHOW!
(The clip explodes as we cut back to Jerk and Spazz.)
Jerk: I refuse to believe it’s impossible. Somewhere, somehow, some auteur with a singular vision must have done something interesting in a theme park. It… (He notices something on the ground, an open DVD case with the disc (which is blank) still in it. Jerk goes to pick it up. Whenever he touches it, the screen turns black and white.) No way! (When he finally grabs the DVD case, he finds himself in a black and white version of Disneyland.) By the power of grey scales, (Terminator 2 theme plays as he holds up the DVD case for “Escape From Tomorrow”) the enemy of my enemy is my friend!
(We then cut to the end credits, afterwards we cut to Jerk back in part 1 of this review.)
Jerk: I’d like to read the following prepared statement: “Dear whoever’s editing this, I (The rest of his words are dubbed over with words he may have said at other times) am-a-horrible-wretched-person-who-has-sex-with-farm-animals-and-never-bathes-hugh-big-lies-and heart-cancer-and-a-microscopic-penis-that-I-use-to-spray-liquid-fied-rat-poison-all-over-poor-inner-city-youths-today!
(We then see that the scene was edited by Ghost Dad, who may have also edited the “The Cat in the Hat” and “Love Guru” scenes. He is holding a ghost plush toy of Figment the Dragon.)
Ghost Dad: (Chuckles) Am I not the stinker?