June 12, 2012
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! Poor M. Night Shyamalan.
(clips of his movies play as NC sums it up)
NC (vo): And I mean that. Here's a guy who peaked far too early, was built up as one of the great directors after only doing a few films (showing title cards for The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and The Village), and obviously had WAY too many ideas that weren't thought out enough and kept getting greenlighted. (showing pictures of The Happening and Lady in the Water) However, as M. Night Shyamalan likes to say...
Ray Reddy: It's like it was meant to be. (get used to this quote, it's gonna be a gag in this review)
(a shot of The Last Airbender is shown)
NC (vo): But everyone has the same question: when did the slippery slope of assness begin? (clip of The Village) Some say it was with The Village, (a shot of Mark Wahlberg) others say it was with The Happening.
NC: But for me, I think it all goes back to the invasion of the plotholes, Signs.
(clips of the movie play)
NC (vo): Yeah, I know the movie was a big hit when it came out, yeah, I know the critics liked it, yeah, I know the magazines were calling Shyamalan (a shot of a Newseek issue with M. Night on the cover is shown) the next Spielberg after it premiered. (sarcastically) Yeah, seriously, the next Spielberg. You called that one, Newsweek. Yeah, I know a ton of people did and still really really enjoy this film.
NC: But... you don't know any better. You don't. (he picks up the dvd of Signs) You think you... I... (he takes his gun out and shoots the dvd) No, you don't know any better, okay?
NC (vo): It's not well written, it's not well directed, it's not well acted.
NC: It's not... well. Okay, so let me enlighten you as to why this film is not... well. This is Signs.
NC (vo): We open with Mel Gibson when his name was proud to be placed above the title. as opposed to being shoved into the "And" category, as he wakes up to the sound of his daughter screaming.
The daughter, Bo, is heard screaming while Merrill falls off the bed
NC (vo): His brother, played by Joaquin Phoenix, also goes out to check the trouble.
Graham Hess: Bo, where's Morgan? Bo?
Bo Hess: Are you in my dream, too?
The two find Morgan staring in the distance
Graham: Morgan, what's happening?
Morgan Hess: The dogs are barking. Woke us up.
NC (vo): Ah, yes. See that bland, non-expressive, dead face that only a Culkin can give you? Get used to that, folks! (shots of Morgan are shown) There's a lot of it in the rest of this movie.
The camera zooms out to shown the corn field has been made into crop circles
NC (vo): So they see that there are crop circles in the middle of their fields. Wait, why did that warrant the little girl going "aaaah?" (a wider shot of the "Signs" are shown) Does stomped corn really frighten her that much?
It then cuts to say "Bucks County, Pennsylvania... Fourty-five miles outside Philadelphia"
NC (vo): And okay, Directing 101, it usually helps us if you tell us the name of the place before you give us five minutes of a scene.
NC: It's like in Alien suddenly saying...
The chestburster scene is shown from Alien. Once the chestburster darts out of the room, the subtitle says "By the way we're in space..."
Graham walks into the kitchen to see a puddle on the kitchen floor, the dog being covered by the children
Morgan: Houdini peed. I think he's sick.
Graham: Why don't you take him outside? I'll call Dr. Crawford.
Morgan: He doesn't treat animals.
Graham: He'll know what to do.
NC (vo): Come on, dog anatomy's pretty close to human anatomy, right?
Graham walks out to see Officer Caroline Paski in the foyer
Graham: Oh, that was quick, Caroline. I only called you folks two hours ago.
Paski: Old Mrs. Kindle went and twisted her ankle as she puts it, "diving for her life when a bunch of schoolkids rode down the sidewalk on skateboards." She went down to Thorton's store this morning and started spitting on the new skateboards. Spittin'! By the time I got there, Mrs. Kindle had sprayed the whole damn place!
NC (vo, as Paski, and in her accent): Forgive me, what I'm doing is Tarantino-ing, where you talk about something that has nothing to do with the rest of the story, but is kind of funny and a little quirky. It was very avant-garde in it's day, and used to develop some strong character traits, but now it's just used as a cheap gimmick for pretentious screenwriters to draw a ton of attention to their writing style, as opposed to serving the plot. By the way, I'm mostly pointless in this. I don't even draw my gun in this movie. Aliens attacking and I never draw my gun. That is ass shit.
Bo and Morgan are trying to give the dog water
NC (vo): Meanwhile, his two kids find that their dog is acting a little funny.
The dog snaps and growls at the kids
Morgan: Houdini? Bo, don't run. What's wrong boy? Stop it, Houdini. (the dog barks at them)
NC (vo) Careful, dog. You might get that Culkin (zooming on Morgan, who's still has half-shut eyes) to open his eyes a little.
NC: Don't even get me started on the possibilities of emoting!
Paski: There's some animals around the county that have been acting funny. Some of them violent.
Graham: Is it a virus?
Paski: I don't think so, Father.
Graham walks away from her
Graham: Caroline... Please stop calling me Father.
Paski: What's wrong?
Graham: I don't hear my children.
NC: Uh, I think you missed a line. (he pulls out a binder that's meant to be the script and flips a couple pages) Ah, here we go. Mel Gibson turns as if something is wrong as he says the line, "I think something is wrong," which gives the cop reason to ask, "What's wrong?" Seriously, Directing 101.
Graham and Paski come upon Houdini, who's now dead from Morgan stabbing it
Morgan: Fell on me. Wanted to kill Bo. (Bo is shown sitting quietly, legs folded)
NC (vo): So, waitaminute, a crop circle gets the girl going "aaahhh," but when a dog tries to attack her, she sits calmly with her legs folded? And for that matter, Gibson caught the absence of his kids whispering in the distance, yet the stabbing of a violent animal somehow didn't catch his ear?!
NC: He can pick up "mimimimimi," but he can't hear (mimicing the kids) "Aaah aaah woof woof woof woof pfft pfft pfft!" Talk about selective hearing!
NC (vo): Oh well maybe it's the fact there's so much goddamn low level whispering in this movie that the absence of it seems legitimately startling. ("It's like it was meant to be.") That night, Gibson is woken up by another disturbance. (Graham snaps awake) Maybe he can't hear the crickets chirping.
Bo: There's a monster outside my room. Can I have a glass of water?
Graham looks out the window and sees a dark figure on the roof of the house
NC (vo): Oh my god, it's Black Suit Spider-Man. Stop him before he does a tap dance routine!
Merrill: We both go outside, move around the house in opposite directions, we act crazy, insane with anger, make 'em crap in their pants, force 'em around till we meet up on the other side.
Graham: Explain that crazy.
NC: Oh, I don't know, something like this?
The next clip is of a more recent Mel Gibson with him shouting angrily over the phone to his girlfriend at the time (I forget her name)
Mel Gibson: YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING SMILE, AND BLOW ME!! (followed by him panting for breath)
NC (vo): They see garbage spilled over, but somehow, Black Suit Spider-Man got to the roof again. (the two look up at the roof, then hear a noise behind them and see one of the swings swinging and the corn rustling) Yeah, so um, *ahem* ALIEN REPORT: STEPPED ON ROOF AND SWUNG ON SWING. VERY CONFUSING MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. WILL NOW GO TO ARKANSAS TO PUT TOAST IN TOASTER AND SLIDE DOWN SLIDE. They call the cop in the morning, and we partake in yet another favorite of Shyamalan's, the pointless pan across.
Paski: So how are you, Merrill? (as it pans across, a slide whistle going up is heard)
Paski: How was work at the gas station?
Merrill: Stimulating. (and slide whistle down)
Paski: I never got a chance to tell you, but--
NC (vo): Now here's the thing with these kind of shots. These can work if they're trying to get across an uncomfortable mood or unworldly environment. But, through most of the movie, we're in everyday farmland, which isn't that scary, and these shots are done during non-suspenseful moments. So once again, it just serves to shove the style in our faces as opposed to actually get us engrossed in the situation. But don't worry, there's still plenty of needless slow dialogue to suck you back in.
Paski: How certain are you that this was a male?
Merrill: Oh, I don't know any girls who could run like that.
Paski: I don't know, Merrill. I've seen some of those women on the Olympics. They can run like the wind.
Merrill: This guy got on our roof in like a second. Our roof is 10 ft. high.
Paski: They have women's high jumping in the Olympics. They got these Scandinavian women who can jump clean over me.
NC: Okay, we're sexist dicks who don't watch the Olympics. Will you arrest something?
The tv is showing a report about crop circles
NC (vo): Oh hey, aliens. Didn't think we'd see those in this movie.
Scientist (I can make out the name Richard, but not the other): Pop science emerged in the late 1970s with renewed interest in extraterrestrial life. It died out by the early 80s, dismissed as hoaxes. This new resurgence is wholly different. The speed, and the quantity in which it has appeared, implies the coordination of hundreds of individuals over many countries. Either this is one of the most elaborate hoaxes ever created, or basically, it's for real.
NC (vo): That's right, people years ago did crop circles as an elaborate hoax to convince people that aliens were real. But, in a freaking unbelievable coincidence, the REAL aliens have the exact same way of communicating as those hoaxes! What are the FUCKING odds?! ("It's like it was meant to be.") The next day, they all go into town to run some errands when we figure out through poor exposition that Gibson used to be a Reverend... Right after another pointless pan shot. (slide whistle goes up)
Pharmacist: It was asthma medicine, right, Father?
Graham: Morgan Hess, and it's not Father anymore.
NC (vo): We also get some amazingly hokey acting from this General guy after, you guessed it, another pointless pan shot. (slide whistle goes up)
SFC Cunningham: I've had two separate folks tell me there's been strangers around these parts last couple nights. Can't tell what they look like, cause they're staying in the shadows. Covert like. Nobody's been hurt, mind you, and that's the getaway. It's a military procedure. Send out a reconaissance group. Very small, check things out. Not to engage, but to evaluate... the situation. Evaluate the level of danger.
NC: Pfft, I apologize, I don't really talk this way. I'm just auditioning for a Twilight Zone episode. (he pulls out a paper that's meant to be a script, then imitates the sergeant) And that's the getaway.
Cunningham: Make sure things are all clear.
Merrill: Clear for what?
Cunningham: For the rest of them.
NC (vo): What are you, sucking on your mom's teat? Close your lips, you weirdo! Disney's Hall of Presidents is more natural than you!
Cunningham: Shit, I know you, you're Merrill Hess! (duhhh) I was there the day you hit that 507 footer over the left field wall. (duuuhhh) Set the record. (duhh) Man, that thing had a motor on it! (duuuhh) Still the record, right? (duuhhhh)
Merrill: Got the bat at home.
Cunningham: Why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash? Getting your toes licked by beautiful women.
NC: Toes licked--? Can we get the camera off this guy? He's weirding me out! I think HE'S the alien in this movie!
Lionel Pritchard: He has the Minor League strikeout record.
Merrill: Hello, Lionel.
Lionel: Merrill's a Class-A screwup. You'd just swing that bat as hard as you could every time. Didn't matter what the coaches said, didn't matter who was on base, you would just whip that bat through the air as hard as you could.
NC (vo): Thanks, person who clearly has a connection to Joaquin Phoenix, though we don't know what it is, and we'll never see again. I will not miss you. ("It's like it was meant to be.") They meet for lunch in a restaurant when we come across another staple of M. Night Shyamalan: M. Night Shyamalan. (M. Night's character, Ray, is walking down the block to his car as a choir sings throughout the background)
Morgan: Is that him?
NC: Is that the most beautiful, handsome man the world has ever seen?
NC: He looks as if he has an equally proportionate gift to writing, acting, and directing.
Ray looks over the family as a lens flare appears over his head, then disappears as he gets in his car
Bo: Who is he?
NC: He is... (zoom up on NC's face) Shyamalan. (the chorus gets louder as it shows Shyamalan's face shopped over Jesus's body)
NC (vo): Actually, to be fair, he plays the man who accidentally ran over Gibson's wife, hence the reason Gibson lost his faith, but that's brushed aside for another scene where he hears some noise in his crops again. You know, for a guy who apparrently owns these fields, you never see him do any farm work.
Graham: I'm not gonna report this, or anything you do to my crops! To the news, or TV, or anybody! (he hears a noise behind him that makes him drop his flashlight. he picks it up and smacks it back on, then shines the light on an alien's leg as it goes into the corn, making him stumble back and run through the corn to the house)
NC: Oh my god, he's being invaded by Kermit the Frog!
Kermit (vo): I understand you haven't subscribed to the Muppet Youtube channel yet. Don't make me shove the Rainbow Connection up your ass! (singing) It's not easy being dead.
Graham comes into the house, the kids splashing each other with dish water while Merrill's reading an Army brochure
NC (vo, as Morgan): Why dad, you look so dramatic. I never see you like this!
Graham: Let's turn on the TV.
The picture is dark, but there are lights in the sky
NC (vo): They finally decide to turn on the TV and see that the aliens are indeed landing. Or just hovering around in the skies for a bit. Why nobody approaches them or takes them down is anybody's guess.
Morgan wants to record it on VHS, but Bo takes the tape
Bo: My ballet recital!
Morgan: Listen, Bo. This is very important. Everything people have written about in science books is going to change. The history of the world's future is on the TV right now. We need to record this so you can show your children this tape and say you were there. For your children, Bo.
NC (vo): What kid talks like this!? It's like an 8-year old version of Morpheus!
Same scene, but now with Morpheus's dialogue from the Matrix given a higher pitch
Morpheus:You're here because you know something. What you know, you can't explain, but you feel it. You felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a spinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Back to the movie
Reporter: This image has not been adjusted or enhanced in any way. What you're seeing is real. It's unbelievable. Everything they wrote in science books is about to change.
NC (vo): Okay, so we're in a world where the children talk like adults and the adults talk like children. (the kids are now wearing tinfoil hats in the bedroom) Let's hear some more of that jolting, unrealistic talk, shall we?
Morgan: It said there's two reasons why extraterrestrials would talk to us: to make contact in the spirit of exploration, (can't make out this line) of the universe. Or the other reason: they're hostile.
NC (vo): Well if mankind is as emotionally dead as you are, I don't think they'll learn much from us. (Graham looks over drawings of aliens) Oh, well these credible kindergarten drawings will certainly convey the seriousness of the book's intent. Oh, and there's also a drawing of their house on fire in the book with three dead people that look like them outside. My god, this obviously means... wait, no, what does this mean? The author knows they're going to die, he met them before, did an illustration of them? Quick, a distraction before you think of it too much! (the phone rings, startling them) Aaah, that'll do the trick. (cut to Ray outside in his car) Let's see what Ma-Ti is up to here. (Graham looks inside the van, followed by the slide whistle going up to show Ray's packed all his belongings in the car)
Ray: Never fallen asleep driving before. It had to be at that right moment. That ten, fifteen seconds when I passed her walking. It's like it was meant to be.
NC: (sucks in his breath) I know that's not the best thing for a murderer to tell a murder victim's husband, but... what can I say? I'm a bad writer.
Ray: This place is marked in crops and such. None of them are really near water. I don't think they like water.
Graham: Did you see something, Ray?
Ray: I'm truly sorry for what I've done to you and yours. (Graham is trying to keep himself calm while sounds of Curly are added in, followed by a nyuk-nyuk) Don't open my pantry, father. I found one of them in there and locked him in. (he then drives off)
NC (vo): Uh, okay, let's try this conversation again. You start with "Holy shit! I got an alien in my house! Call the cops! Call the FBI! Call the news! The world deserves to know!" Then you move on to "Oh, by the way, I'm sorry I hit your wife like I was playing a game of Crazy Taxi." This would be closer to a typical human reaction. Something Shyamalan, like the aliens, knows very little about.
NC (vo): Gibson goes to try and sneak a peak, but these giant aliens... (an alien hand tries to slip through) somehow slip their teeny tiny hands through the bottom of the door and try to attack him.
Graham reaches for a knife while the alien tries to reach for him
NC (vo, as Graham): Go with God, motherfucker! (he then cuts the alien's fingers off, making the alien and Graham scream. cut to outside where flocks of birds are flying away) And a good manicurist!
Graham comes home and shuts the door
NC (vo): Rather than call the police because, fuck, that's what anyone not in a Shyamalan film would do, he goes home and sees everyone continue to watch TV.
Sarah Hughes: This video was taken yesterday afternoon at his son's seventth birthday in the city of Pasafundo, Brazil. All initial opinions are this is genuine. What you are about to see may disturb you.
Kids are crowded at a window with birthday hats on
NC (vo): Oh boy, there's a lot of build up for this. I can't wait to see the incredibly scary and of course, original design of this thing. (the alien walks by, scaring the children, as well as Merrill)
NC: Oh! (and another clip of Merrill being scared) Oh my god, it looks like every other alien I've seen in every other movie! (Merrill scared) Oohh! (Merrill scared again) Oooh, I'm changing the channel! (he picks up a remote and changes it to make ET appear) Oooh! (now it turns to Alf) Oooh! (now one of the squeaky aliens from Toy Story) Oooh! (and now we go to commercial break. once the break's up, he looks and sees the viewer) Oooh! (and changes it back to the movie, showing the UFOs in the sky)
Reporter: Ground forces have been assembled in countries throughout the globe. Hundreds of thousands have flocked to temples, synagogues and churches. God be with us all.
NC (vo): Well, good job to the newscasters for not spreading panic or alarm. (cut to the reporter) When have you ever heard a newscaster talk like this? What kind of overly, emotional, fear-driven news corporation acts like that? (the Fox News logo pops up on the corner) You knew that was coming. So the family decides to hold down the fort. You know, stay in the area they absolutely know the aliens are, and try to defend themselves.
Graham: We're gonna board up every window in this house.
Merrill: I don't think the boards will do anything.
Graham: Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors.
Critic is just stunned, putting a hand to his head
NC: Really, Shyamalan. Did you read that line? Out loud? Did, did you ever read that line out loud? You couldn't have. You, you clearly couldn't have. I mean, you just stated that these technologically advanced aliens, these creatures that we are supposed to be afraid of...cannot get through pantry doors! They can... build spacecraft that can jump millions of miles from across space, but... ("They seem to have trouble with pantry doors.") They can take these exact same spacecraft and turn them invisible so that nobody else can find them, years above our technology, but... (line repeats) They're gonna take over our planet, but... (line) They're gonna wipe out ALL OF MANKIND....BUUUUT... (line again. NC jumps around a bit, gnawing on his hat) YOU CAN'T BE THIS STUPID!!! Y-YOU CAN'T! I MEAN, YOU LITERALLY JUST STATED OUT LOUD WHY THIS (smack) MOVIE (smack) CAN'T (smack) WORK (smack)! I MEAN WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON!? I... I hate to borrow from a sub-par comedy, but... take it, Scary Movie 3!
Tom Logan (played by Charlie Sheen): They mastered space flight, but they can't get through a wooden door?
NC: YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE MOVIE? YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID? YOU JUST MADE CHARLIE SHEEN RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING! YOU DID THAT MOVIE! YOU DID IT! THAT'S HOW BAD YOU GOTTEN! (losing his mind) THIS...ADVANCED TECHNOLOGICALLY HOLY SHIT FUCK RACE OF ALIENS...STOPPED, COME TO A HALT, BY A FUCKING...PAN...TRY...(he has an epic giant smile on his face for a few seconds and lets out a loud shout while pictures flash behind him, zooming in on his face) DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRR!!! (he catches his breath) DOOOOOOOORRRRR!!! (catches his breath again) DOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRR!!!! (then he lets out a girlish sigh and faints on the table)
Graham and Merrill are boarding up the doors and windows
NC (vo): So they board up the windows with wood because, hey, pantry doors are made of wood! (gratingly mad) It seems to be their Achilles' heel! And as you expect, the aliens cannot get fucking past it! Seriously, I'd give anything to see what these aliens are saying when they actually do start their attack!
The camera pans on the walls while footsteps are heard outside. The alien dialogue is subtitled in what sounds like Klingon.
Alien 1: Let's hope they don't know we came millions of light-years without bringing any weapons.
Alien 2: And who's fault is that?
Alien 1: Bite me, frog ass!
Alien 2: Oh calm down, it's not like they have a large supply of...
Alien 2: Goddammit!
Alien 1: Who would've thought a planet with so many trees would have wood?!?!
Alien 2: Fuck it, try the other entrance! They couldn't POSSIBLY have enough to block two...
Alien 1: Fuck me!
Alien 2: I can't believe we didn't prepare for this!
Alien 1: Hold on, I'm gonna try and run into it!
Alien 2: I don't think that's gonna work.
Alien 1: Stop judging my ideas. (the other alien goes to run at the door)
Alien 2: No! No! No! No! (and a thud is heard, along with a groan) Told you, dipshit.
Alien 1: Bite me slug fucker.
Graham kneels down to Morgan's level
Graham: Do you know what happened when you were born, Morgan?
Alien 1: Dude, are you serious?
Graham: You came out, and your mama kept bleeding. So the doctors rushed you out of the room before I had time to see you.
Alien 2: Stop ignoring us!!!! (the two go up onto the roof)
Merrill: They're on the roof.
Alien 1: No shit, Commodus!
Graham: While they were fixing her up, all she kept asking about was you.
Alien 2: Look out... (a clanging is heard from upstairs) DAMMIT!
Merrill: They're in the house.
Graham: I wanted your mama to see you first, because she had dreamed about you her whole life.
Alien 1: We are SO gonna kill you for monologueing over our attack!
Graham: And she got feeling better, they brought you in, and they placed you in her arms.
Alien 2: We're dangerous, we swear.
Graham: And she looked at you, and you looked at her. And you just stared at each other for the longest time.
Alien 1: They're still going!
Graham: And then she said, real soft, "Hello Morgan. I'm your mama."
Alien 2: Are we really so non-threatening?
Graham: "You look just how I dreamed."
Alien 1: That's it, you're all getting anal probed!
NC (vo): So they hide in the basement, but, thank god, another door is there to protect them!
The aliens run into the door
Alien 1: FUCK-MY-SHIT!
Morgan is standing near a window where an alien grabs him
NC (vo): But one of them gets the bright idea to try and grab the kid from the window, which causes him to have an asthma attack. But luckily, the father is there and manages to calm him down. After spending the night down there. Yeah, they never figured out how to get through the door, they hear on the radio that apparently, the aliens were defeated, and here's a big shock: they were defeated very quickly. (sarcastic) No, their tactical maneuvers were so flawless! As long as you don't put any doors in their way, they're practically invincible!
The family is now upstairs
Graham: I'll bring the TV in here.
Graham pushes the TV into the room and the reflection shows the alien in front of it
NC (vo): But what do you know, one bullet left.
The alien is shown holding Morgan in it's arms just as Graham has a flashback of the accident that killed his wife
NC (vo) However, in a totally forced flashback, we see Gibson talk to his wife for the last time, who was pinned against a tree.
Colleen Hess: Just taking a walk before dinner.
Graham: You love walks.
NC (doesn't know what to say about it): Thanks for reminding her of that.
Colleen: Tell Morgan to play games.
NC (mock crying): You love playing.
Colleen: It's okay to be silly.
Graham: I will.
NC: You love silly.
Colleen: And tell Graham...tell him to see.
NC: You love seeing.
Colleen: And tell Merrill to swing away.
Cut to a scene from The Mask with him acting like he's dying in an over-the-top manner
The Mask: Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas.
Back to the movie
NC (vo): Yes, at the time, it didn't make sense, but now, Gibson knows that the term "swing away" was, I swear to god, I'm not kidding here, God's way of telling Gibson in the future that Joaquin Phoenix is supposed to swing his bat to defeat the alien.
Graham: Merrill...swing away.
Merrill grabs his homerun bat and swings it at the alien
NC (vo): (sarcastic) Of course, who would have possibly put together that the best way to defeat this thing was to beat the shit out of it? Nobody could have come to that conclusion. Obviously, God had to kill a Reverend's wife in order for somebody to figure that out. It just makes perfect sense. Oh, and you wanna know what the big twist was in this one? (one of the glasses of water falls off and burns the alien like it was acid) Apparently, the only thing that can kill the aliens is water. Yeah, it's like acid to them. One drop hurts them like crazy. Hm, probably should have thought that through before attacking a planet (a shot of the planet Earth) MOSTLY COVERED IN WATER!!! (back to the movie) My god, we were afraid of these things? They have three majorly accessible weaknesses: water, wood, and blunt instruments! Hell, if God really wanted to get his message acoss, He would have had his dying wife say...
NC (vo, as Colleen): Hey, this is gonna sound a little crazy, but, if aliens attack, go get a lake house.
NC (vo): He'd think she was crazy like he already did before, but hey, when aliens attack, (a shot of a boat house on a dock) that boat home is suddenly looking pretty affordable, isn't it?
Merrill gives the alien one last swing, knocking it down as a glass of water spills onto it's head
The Wicked Witch of the West: Aaah, I'm melting! Melting! What a world, what a world!
Graham is holding Morgan's unconscious body outside
NC (vo): Unfortunately, the alien sprayed the kid with poisonous gas, but luckily, his lungs were closed due to the asthma, so he's okay.
Morgan: Someone save me?
NC (vo): That's right! The message of the story is that everything has, and always will, fall into place! (Graham comes out in his church clothes, ready to go back to work) The day is saved, everything happens for a reason, which means his faith is restored, and he goes back to being a Reverend. Gotta hand it to you, God, you sure do work in mysterious ways, for in the grand plan, He took Gibson's faith away, just so He could give it right back to him. So in reality, nothing has changed at all! Oh, except there's a dead wife in the mix, but still, thank you, God! Thank You for killing my beloved, just so everything could go back to exactly the way it was before. Again, minus the loving, supporting wife that You so cruelly took away from me. But hey, I'm sure that was all part of Your plan to keep things exactly the way they were...minus the loving, supportive wife You took away from me. But I know in Your plan You wanted everything to go this way, which is...exactly how it was before! Again, minus the loving, supportive wife that you took away from me! But I know that...you... gi...gah...
NC: God's fucked up! He plans ahead about as much as these dumbass aliens do! Or, let's be honest, M. Night Shyamalan does!
(clips from the movie play as the movie gets it's closing summary)
NC (vo): I'm sorry, but this movie's horrible! I never got why so many people liked it! It's overly dramatic, annoyingly slow, has a real ego when it comes to it's own style, and of course, any sense of logic is totally ignored! There's millions of other twists you could have done to this movie! Like how about the aliens were trying to help people, like bring them a cure or something? Or maybe there were no aliens, maybe it was all an elaborate hoax! That would have been unexpected! Or, hell, maybe none of this was going on and Gibson and Phoenix were just goddamn nuts! Hell, maybe the TV was never on! I don't know, just ANYTHING is better than...
Ray: I don't think they like water.
NC (vo): (angry) And it turns out they don't like water! HELL, YOU JUST SAID YOUR TWIST IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT MAKES IT A TWIST!!!!
NC: You know what's really scary about this movie? That so many goddamn people enjoyed it, and Shyamalan is still getting work because of it! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I reme--(the aliens are heard upstairs) Excuse me, I got some aliens at my door. (he takes out a 2x4 and leaves the review area)
Sounds of beating are heard outside
Alien: We really suck at this.
Credits roll, then we cut to an outtake
NC: So many goddamn people enjoyed it, and Shyamalan is still getting work-- (the camera falls over a bit) Aliens! (then he corpses it to end the episode)
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Ray: It's like it was meant to be.