So, I'm sitting there tending bar, when in walks someone who's usually a pretty intimidating costumer, Solid Snake.
Usually, not a lot of people really talk to Solid Snake. He seems to always want to be alone. And he's certainly dressed to indicate that he wants to be alone.
So, he sits down, orders a drink, and... I notice he's carrying his box with him. And it's one thing to carry a box around every once in a while, that's already strange, but he carries it everywhere! To parties, to gettogethers, just everywhere you can imagine, he always has that box with him.And everybody's seen him with that box. And yet, nobody ever questions him. And... I don't know, dressed like that, I guess I wouldn't question him either. But... But, today, I was feeling pretty ballsy. And I decided I'm gonna ask him about this.
So, I approach him and I say, "Mr. Snake, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to break the ice here. Wh-What's with the box?"
And he looks at me and says, "Nobody's ever asked that before. I think they're just too intimidated."
And I say, "Did I do the right thing?"
And he says, "You did the right thing. I'll tell you why I always carry it around. It's my security blanket."
And I said, "Really? I didn't think a man like you would have a security blanket."
And he says, "Well, this is mine. Box is a... proud piece of art. You can do anything with it. You can hide in it. You can build a fort out of it. Even, dare I say it, you can pack things in it. It's my closest friend and it's helped me through all sorts of troubles."
And I said, "Well, fair enough. But, Mr. Snake, you're a grown man! Grown men can't be seen carrying a box around all this time! I mean, doesn't it seem rather childish? Don't you think you should move on?"
He says,"...Did you know my parents were murdered in front of my eyes?"
And I said, "No. No, I didn't know that at all!"
And he said when he was only five years old, a burglar got into his house. His mom and dad said "Hide under this box and don't come out no matter what."
And I said, "Jesus! Well... Wh-What happened?"
And he said, "I hid in that box. Didn't come out for anything. But, I could see in the little slit. You know, that you put your hands in to carry the box. I saw everything that happened. And, yeah, he shot 'em down. He shot 'em both. But, he wasn't just a traditional robber. Ya see, he had weird mental issues. He did all sorts of strange things."
And I said, "Like what? Wh-What did he do?"
He said, "Well... He got a hat and can and started dancing on top of their bodies. I guess he had some sort of condition where, after he killed people, he had to tap dance on top of their corpses."
And I said, "Lord! That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!"
And he says, "It doesn't stop there. Then, he put his hand in their backs and started using them as a puppet show. Like the Muppets, actually. You know that Pigs in Space routine they used to do all the time? Yeah, he re-enacted that with my parents' bodies. And just to make things worse, he made my mother one of the male pigs and my father Miss Piggy.... My father is NOT Miss Piggy!"
I said, "I know, I know! Your father's not Miss Piggy."
And I said, "Well, gee! I can't imagine a five year old boy watching this in front of his eyes!"
And he says, "It gets worse. After he did the puppet show with my parents', he took them up and started using them as nunchucks. Like he was a ninja, you know? Bruce Lee, I think. He was making all those weird sounds. Like the 'Wah! Wah! Wah!' He slammed them into the vase, he slammed them into the picture frames, he slammed them all over the place!"
And I said, "Mr. Snake, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you went through all this."
He says, "It gets worse. After he did the nunchuck bit, he opened up my parents, took out all their bones, and started playing the xylophone with their ribcages! 'Under the Sea' actually. From the Little Mermaid. I don't think that movie came out yet, but he saw one of the VHS previews and they had the song on there and, yeah. I guess he really liked the tune."
And I said, "Mr. Snake, for the love of God! Tell me it doesn't get any worse!"
And he said, "It gets worse. After he played the xylophone with my parents' skeletons, he took what was remaining of their bodies, threw it in a blender, PISSED into it, and then blended them together and drank their remains! He had a unique name for it, actually. I believe it was called 'two dead parents mixed with my stinky, yellow urine.' He then took the change from my piggy bank and he pissed off."
And I'm standing there DUMBFOUNDED at this story. I just couldn't believe what he was saying!
And he looks me in the eye and says, "So, if it's alright with you, is it okay if I continue to carry my box around without getting any questions about it? I mean, if it's alright with YOU?"
And I said, "Yeah, I, uh... I think that's alright, Mr. Snake. I think that's alright."
I've never felt more terrible than I did that day. I was a right bloody bastard.
I remember Mario came up after him and he pointed to Snake and he said, "Oy, what's up with the guy with the box?"
And I said, "Don't ask."
And he said, "Why not?"
And I said, "'Cause he just might tell ya."
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|