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(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. What do you think of when I say the words, "pop culture?" If your answer was "a vast wasteland of inane stupidity, coupled with a startling collection of fanfic porn," you'd be right. But let's be honest, we all love pop culture. It's a major part of all our lives. When I was growing up, your place in the social food chain was dependant on your ability to make the transforming noise with your mouth. (he attempts said Transformers sound with his mouth) See? Twenty years later, and I'm still trying to get that right. Anyway, my point is, no matter how base or bizarre it becomes, pop culture is our culture, for better or worse. However, I don't think some of you know what "worse" entails. See, there's a huge swath of our population who shouldn't be allowed near sharp objects or heavy machinery, much less your typical fandom. All it takes is one moron to turn a lively debate between Old vs. New Galactica into a three hour police standoff. This is the part where I elaborate. Stick Boy, (Stick Boy pops up) atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed! (Stick Boy looks at him confused) Will you just run the fucking cartoon already?
(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Pop Culture")
Nash (vo): (Stick Boy is reading a dictionary) I could try to give you a definition of pop culture, but there really isn't a good one. It could be said that pop culture stands in opposition to high culture, which tends to follow a specific set of rules surrounding structure, practice, and technique. Pop culture on the other hand...anything goes. Seriously, fucking anything. The irony is Shakespeare is considered high culture here in the modern era. (a word bubble over a portrait of him says "I'm awesome, yo.") But back in his time, he was essentially Michael Bay minus the explosions. (Stick Boy points to a blackboard that shows William Shakespeare = Michael Bay - explosions, then cut to Stick Boy doing Hamlet on stage) People would show up, scream, (a word bubble from the crowd saying "Your FACE is an outrageous fortune!") throw things at the performers, (someone throws a tomato on stage) even have sex in the audience. (the audience now has CENSORED on it, shocking Stick Boy, making him facepalm) Kinda like a Dane Cook show, but actually entertaining. The problem arises when the short bus brigade gets a hold of this stuff. Some folks will take anything way the hell too far, up to and including a handmade replica of the womb of Bella from Twilight. (pictures of the womb in question are shown) And no, I did not make that up. (Stick Boy's talking to a Stick Girl about Highlander) The takeaway is that for every cool thing out there, there will always be somebody who reminds us why we can't have nice things. (Crazy Stick Boy comes out with a katana, shouting "There can be only one!" He spins around, then his own head comes off, shocking Stick Boy and Stick Girl)
Nash: Well, with such a wide field to cover, where do we begin? Why, with the highest grossing film of all time? Dances With Wolves, I mean the Abyss, I mean Ferngully, I mean--yeah, it's Avatar.
(The report is titled "Audiences experience 'Avatar' blues")
Nash (vo): You probably saw this story already likely because it was covered by CNN of all people. Appartently in the aftermath of Avatar, fans of the film are having severe depression because they can't live in the magical-fairy-plug-your-hair-into-flying-lizards world. One fan even said, "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it, I will be rebirthed into a world similar to Pandora, and everything is the same as in Avatar."
Nash: I guess I missed that part in Sunday school where they talked about heaven being populated by giant, blue cat people. "Yea, and in the kingdom of the Lord, there shall be mountains that fly, and trees that speak, and leading men who cannot act for shit." Come the fuck on! It's a knockoff of at least three other movies with all the depth of a Tea Party rally. Yes, it had really pretty special effects. Yes, it was incredibly popular. You know what else meets those criteria? (We get a clip of the "Enemy scrotum" scene from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) You don't see anyone slitting their wrists because they're pining for an afterlife filled with humping dogs and farting robots, do you? Didn't fucking think so. If you're willing to inflict harm upon yourself because life doesn't measure up to a movie, you don't just have issues. You don't have volumes. You are, in terms of mental health, the Library of Congress! And remember, if you can't get help at Charter, stay the hell away from me! What could be worse than the Na'vi blues? Twitard rage!
(The report is titled "Meet the Robert Pattinson fan who ended up in hospital")
Nash (vo): From London, England, Sarah O'Regan ended in a knockdown brawl with a fellow fan of the sparkling dead over a Robert Pattinson poster, which resulted in a trip to the hospital. She's pictured here with half of the poster, and none of her dignity.
Nash: She got sent to the hospital over a poster for a film entitled "Robsessed." ("And isn't it ironic? Don't you think?") What the fuck is wrong with you?! It's a poster! It's a goddamn poster! You can make one on your computer! You can order one online for ten bucks! How much did that hospital stay cost you? Okay, it didn't cost you anything cause you live in the UK, and you don't have to pay out of pocket for healthcare, but still! You know what Twilight is? It's this generation's answer to disco, and in 20 years, that poster's gonna be the equivalent of bellbottoms or platform shoes. But hey, at least you have all those lovely scars to explain to the grandkids. Oh, and I wanna note, I had enough stupid Twilight stories emailed to me to make up an entire episode all by itself! I'd say it's like shooting fish in a barrel, except in this case, the fish are all wearing targets, and they're drunk. So, we've seen society take two awful movies and make them worse. Surely they can't do something that bad with a good franchise, can they? (beat) Yeah, that was rhetorical.
(The report is titled "'Batman' arrested for burglary")
Nash (vo): Oh look, a Florida story! This is my surprised face. Danny Zane Tatum was arrested after he broke into someone else's home, used their shower and stole some toilet paper. But he told police he wasn't a burglar, no no! He was Batman!
Nash: Okay, quick quiz! Answer the following question. (Question One: Am I Batman?) If you answered yes, you're not fucking Batman! You know why? Because Batman doesn't have to think about whether he's Batman! He's Batman! Look, these might help. (The Michael Keaton Batman is shown) This is Batman. (The Christian Bale Batman is shown) This is Batman. (The Adam West Batman is shown) Hell, even this is Batman. (The mugshot of Danny Zane Tatum is shown) This is not Batman! Lots of things could have clued you into this. You don't have a bajillion dollars. You don't have a supersonic jet. Oh, and you broke into someone's house to use their shower and steal their goddamn TP! Batman does not steal TP! For fucksake, Kevin Smith is more Batman than you are! (A clip of Silent Bob as Batman in Mallrats) Oh, but the crazy train just keeps right on rolling this week. Let's head a bit further west, where some Texas parents have a great new exercise program for their offspring: Fight Club!
(The report is titled "HOA says it won't tolerate 'fight nights' in Frisco neighborhood")
Nash (vo): Apparently, parents in Frisco, Texas, started a backyard fight night with their kids, and put the results on Youtube. Obviously, they ignored Tyler's first rule of Fight Club. I wonder if they considered any of his other words of wisdom.
(We cut to a scene of Jack (Edward Norton's character) being held down by Tyler Durden as his hand burns with lye)
Tyler: You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you.
Nash: You know, for kids! What the hell was the thinking here? "Well shit. Cockfightin's illegal. Dog fightin's illegal. Hey, wait a second! Honey, where's Junior?" I don't like kids. Okay, that's not true. I hate kids. But that doesn't mean you should set the little bastards loose on each other like a pack of wild monkeys. The only thing you're gonna end up is foisting a bunch of permanently punch drunk morons on society. Deadliest Warrior has a big enough audience already, it doesn't need any more help. And speaking of kids, we all have fond childhood memories of Dr. Seuss. You remember, Green Eggs and Ham, the Red Fish and Blue Fish, the Grinch's Penis....what?
(The report is titled "Redding contractor wins 'Grinch' suit")
Nash (vo): From Redding, California, a local contractor, Bobby Martin, was upset about a marijuana collective being opened in the shopping center he operated out of. In protest, Martin arrived at the Property Owner's Meeting dressed in a Grinch outfit. With a penis attached.
(The Grinch is walking around outside his cave as a long CENSORED bar is on his crotch)
Nash: What...the fuck is wrong with you!?! Why!? Why would you do that!? Why would you put on a Grinch costume with a penis!? Who would want a Grinch penis!? I don't! I do not want it in a house, I do not want it with a mouse! I do not want it here or there, I do not want it anywhere! I do not want the Grinch's junk, I do not want it...you...fucking fuck! Look, it's America, it's your right to protest, but do you have to skullfuck our childhoods while you do it? And what the hell does not wanting a marijuana collective in the same shopping complex have to do with a well endowed Grinch!? The only thing you're protesting here is sanity! Now this obviously isn't every fandom, but this weirdness happens often enough--
(Space Guy cuts into the feed)
SG: Hello? Are we transmitting? Uh, hello?
Nash: Oh hey, Space Guy. Wait, weren't you imaginary?
SG: Heh, oh no no, only on my mother's side.
Nash: Okay, it's nice to have you visit and all, but I'm right in the middle of--
SG: Terribly sorry, didn't mean to break into this little broadcast thingie you're doing, it's just we're doing a thorough space review of your planet in light of the initial space study. The Space Forum found it was a bit lacking, and they want us to flesh it out a little.
Nash: Oh, so you can determine if you wanna make a formal first contact.
SG: No, to determine if we should destroy your planet before you ruin the entire galaxy.
Nash: Ah. Yeah, I can kinda see that. Okay, uh, what do you want me to do for you?
SG: (Looking over a questionaire) First of all, these Kardashians of yours. Do they qualify as chemical or biological weapons?
Nash: Uh, they're just...entertainers. I think.
SG: Really? That's...what you use for entertainment? That's, um... Uh, next up, we've noticed that millions of you gather weekly to view what appear to be hundreds of vehicles being piloted in a circle at dangerously high speeds. What is the significance of this?
SG: Fascinating. Moving on, we've had a lively space debate on the nature of prominent female personalities appearing in what you call sex tapes. Is this some sort of sociological study? A rite of passage, perhaps?
Nash: Actually, we just tend to chalk that one up to, uh, daddy issues.
SG: Daddy...issues. Very good. Well, the next part is rather lengthy, but, uh, frankly we're completely stumped here. (he pulls out a stack of papers) It's on this thing you call Japan.
Nash: Waitwaitwaitwait, hold up. Look, I can't explain even a fraction of pop culture. Most of it is just good natured fun a lot of people gravitate to so they can be part of a shared experience. Some of it is people getting a little too obsessed and taking it too far. The rest is probably related to crack cocaine.
SG: Crack cocaine?
Nash: Yeah, it's this substance that humans ingest that--
SG:It is related to popular culture? Interesting. Well, we need the space report to be thorough, so, um, computer, please procure some of this crack cocaine.
Nash: Whoa whoa waitasecond, that's probably a bad idea right there! You should--
(SG's already smoking a crack pipe, getting quite high)
Nash: Oh fuck.
SG: Whoo, we like that! Oh yes, we like the fuck out of that! Oh wow! Shazam! Computer, what is that thing?
Computer: The planet Sol-4 known as Mars. (a picture of Mars is shown)
SG: Okay, let's blow it the fuck up.
(Mars is then blown up)
SG: Wow, I am just starving right now. Computer, take us to Omnicrom Theta. I'm gonna eat a space baby! Whoo!
Nash: (quite shocked) Well, that...yeah. I seem to have inadvertently caused an interstellar incident. But on the bright side, our view of Jupiter is completely unimpeded now. (still quite nervous about what just happened) This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else. (turning back to his computer, speaking softly) Oh, fuck me.
(We now come to our credits, the song being "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny")
Final quip: I don't hate kids. I love them. Especially with steak sauce.
(One last clip of the Grinch having a mean grin as the censored bar sticks up like a giant erection)