Soapy the Germ Fighter
August 18, 2011
Running time

NOTE: Doug's riffs are voiceovered.

(We hear an orchestra tuning up as we fade in on a CG red curtain.)

Doug: (deep voice) Good evening, and welcome to "That Guy Riffs!" (the title appears in hand-drawn letters) Today, That Guy looks at what happens when you take cleanliness and mix it with the worst images of your nightmares. Sit back, and enjoy. (hisses like Hannibal Lecter as music and visuals fade)

(Fade in on the production logo: "Avis Films Inc. presents"; the A and F are done like a bullet shape and front a red shield.)

Doug: Avis Films, making your letters look phallic for 69 years! We also did the Little Mermaid poster. (fade through black to the title: "Soapy the Germ Fighter") And professional abuse counselor, but, uh, (chuckles) you don't want to know about that.

(Dissolve to the credits: "Educational Collaborator: Katherine V. Bishop, Ed.D., Consultant in Elementary Education, American Education Press; All Rights of Reproductions, Including for Television, Are Reserved By AVIS FILMS, INC., Hollywood California"; oddly, the credits are at a slightly askew angle, which Doug notices.)

Doug: Boy, Mrs. Bishop really built herself up, didn't she? If she's so smart, how come she didn't get her title cards straight?

(The films begins: a boy is sitting in a bathtub, bathing himself.)

Doug: Whoops! We accidentally put in Jeffrey Jones' private videos!

Female narrator: Billy Martin is one of the nicest boys in our town. He's one of the cleanest boys, too.

(Cut to Billy now out of the bathtub and wearing a bathrobe.)

Doug: (slightly startled by the abruptness of the cut) D'ah! He's also a good teleporter.

Female narrator: Billy has always been a nice boy.

Doug: (as Billy, sounding scared) I'm a nice boy, I'm a nice boy!

Female narrator: (as Billy examines his hands) But he hasn't always been so clean.

(The film then cuts to Billy, dressed in cowboy duds, still looking at his hands, which are now covered in dirt.)

Female narrator: As a matter of fact, for a long time, Billy's parents worried about him. (Billy's mother grabs his hands and looks at them closely, much to his embarrassment and shame) They didn't worry just because Billy got dirt on his hands and face. (Billy's mother looks at and feels his face, which is also covered in dirt)

Doug: They worried because he punched girls, for no apparent reason.

(Cut to Billy outside, dressed as a cowboy, twirling a lasso around over his head.)

Female narrator: They knew that a boy is bound to get dirty when he's playing cowboy and runs into a bandit down by the corral.

(Billy now throws the lasso at... a post in the ground.)

Doug: (as Billy) Stick 'em up... stick!

(Cut to Billy coming to dinner in his cowboy garb. His parents are seated there.)

Female narrator: Billy's parents did worry, because he was so careless about washing when he should have washed. (Billy's father notices Billy's hands and calls him over to examine) He had to be reminded almost every time. And even then, he didn't do a very good job. (Billy's father points him away from the table to wash himself; Billy leaves)

Doug: (as Billy's father) The testicle grinder. (as Billy, whiny voice) Oh, no! No, please, nooooo! (as Billy's father) Yes, yes, the testicle grinder! You've been warned!

(Cut to Billy washing his hands.)

Female narrator: The trouble was, Billy had the wrong idea about being clean.

Billy: (grudgingly) Wash, wash, wash! They just want me to be a sissy!

Doug: (as Billy) I bet Howie Mandel never had to put up with this.

(Cut to Billy in bed, slowly drifting off to sleep.)

Female narrator: But then, one night, Billy had a dream. At least, I guess it was a dream.

Doug: Whoever I am.

Billy: (voiceover) I bet cowboys don't wash all the time.

Doug: Well, they couldn't stink any more than Cowboys vs. Aliens.

Unseen voice: But you're wrong, Billy.

Doug: (as Billy) Holy hell, what the...

Unseen voice: It's not sissy to be clean.

Doug: (as Billy) The flying fuck...?

Billy: (lifting his head from the bed) Who said that? Who's there?

Unseen voice: I did. One of your best friends. Let me introduce myself.

(Suddenly, a giant cake of soap with arms and legs appears before Billy. It has the words "SOAPY" carved on it.)

Doug: (screams like a little girl at the sight of this living cake of soap, several times, for a sustained period of time – and drowning out the next bit of dialog)

Soapy: Soapy's the name, partner.

Billy: Why, you're a living cake of soap!

Soapy: Big as life, Billy, and I'm here to help you. (Doug finally stops screaming) I can help you, partner. That's just the trouble.

Doug: How does it eat?! How does it breathe?! WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?!?

Soapy: So many boys and girls don't understand what a good friend I can be. So I'd like to show you. May I?

Doug: Don't let him show you anything, Billy!

Billy: Why, yes, I...

Soapy: Well, then, just lie down and close your eyes. (Billy starts doing so)

Doug: No, no! Stop!

Soapy: (as Billy lies down and closes his eyes) That's right.

Doug: Don't do it! It's a trap! He's gonna clean you in places you don't want to be cleaned!

Soapy: Now, what do you see?

Doug: (as Soapy) Is it the flaming fires of Hell?

(Cut to footage of a seemingly-older cowboy. He takes off his hat and starts washing his hands in a bowl in the corner.)

Billy: Why, I see a cowboy.

Doug: A cow-senior citizen is more like it.

Billy: He's washing up.

Soapy: That's right. There's nothing sissy about that cowboy, is there? (the cowboy now washes his face and the back of his neck) He's a bronco buster. He rides wild horses.

(The cowboy is now seen riding a bucking bronco. The horse jumps around and tries to throw him, while he struggles to stay in the saddle.)

Doug: (as cowboy) Oh god! All that soap made me too slippery! I'm gonna slip off this thing! I can't control it! HELP ME, FRANK! I'M THE WORST BRONCO BUSTER EVER!

(Cut back to Billy and Soapy.)

Soapy: Well, Billy, you and I must tame animals more dangerous than bucking broncos.

Doug: (as Soapy) The Russians!

Soapy: I help you control animals that can make you sick.

Doug: (as Soapy) Con goers!

Soapy: Now, close your eyes again, (Billy lies down again) and I'll show you.

(Cut to a scientist in a laboratory; he looks into a microscope.)

Soapy: The animals I help you control are called disease germs.

Doug: (snickering) "Disease germs"? How repetitive!

Soapy: They are so tiny, you can't see them, except with a microscope, like this man is using.

Doug: (as Soapy) Or a "person man", as I like to call him.

(The scientist is looking at a brown thing with various black spots on it.)

Soapy: Disease germs are dangerous.

Doug: (as Soapy) Disease germs look a lot like Chips Ahoy cookies.

Soapy: And many of them get inside of you, and they can be on almost anything that children touch or handle, even on...

(Cut to a girl playing with a doll.)

Soapy: ...things that look clean.

Doug: (as Soapy) Like this doll toy...

(Cut to shots of the following, in order: a mailbox full of letters which get taken out, a toy plane with a boy spinning its propeller, and a toy cash register with a kid opening up the tray and putting in fake money.)

Doug: ...or this letter mail, or this plane plane, or this... cash register that's outside for some reason.

(Cut to a shot of a girl in sunglasses; she takes them off and rubs her eyes.)

Soapy: If you get disease germs on your hands, and then put your hands in your eyes...

Doug: (as Soapy) You might as well bury yourself; death is imminent.

(Cut to a boy pounding a baseball into a baseball glove.)

Soapy: ...or in your mouth, those disease germs can get inside of you. (boy puts his hand in his mouth)

Doug: (snickers) "Disease germs" – that's as repetitive as Manos: Hands of Fate.

(Cut to a bathroom sink being turned on; the person who turned on the sink then starts washing his/her hands in the water.)

Soapy: But you and I can kill most of the germs on your hands so they can't make you sick, if we work as partners. So be a germ fighter with me. Learn good hand habits.

Doug: (as Soapy) Like touching me below the belt. (as Billy) What?! (as Soapy) Nothing.

(Cut to a girl in a kitchen; she places some salad items on the counter, then steps up to the sink to wash her hands.)

Soapy: Boys and girls should wash their hands often, especially at certain times. Wash your hands before doing anything that has to do with foods...

Doug: (as Soapy; sinister whisper) Wash them until they bleed!

(Cut to a kid washing his/her hands in a bathroom sink.)

Soapy: Before setting the table...

Doug: (as Billy) You know, Soapy, my mom said never to talk to strangers. (as Soapy) Ah, but did she ever say never talk to humanistic, talking bars of animal fat? (as Billy) No. (as Soapy) Then shut up!

(Cut to a boy and a girl washing their hands in a sink.)

Soapy: Before eating, at any time...

Doug: (as Soapy) Wash your hands even after you're done washing your hands.

(Cut to a picnic)

Doug: (as Soapy) And then wash them again, and again, and again, until the only disease germ left is YOUR ROTTING SOUL!

(Cut to a kid digging in dirt on the ground.)

Soapy: Wash your hands after doing anything that gets them very dirty...

Doug: (as Soapy) Like burying a dead prostitute, after a night of violent drinking.

(Cut to a montage of kids playing all kinds of games: jacks, football, and baseball.)

Doug: (as Billy) Mr. Soapy, you're starting to scare me! (as Soapy) I have a past, Billy, and you will indulge me in listening to it. Take your head out from under that pillow! (a punching sound is heard)

(Cut to a boy washing his hands after playing baseball; he's wearing a cap and has a baseball glove on his person.)

Soapy: After playing games...

(Cut to a girl holding up a puppy; it licks the girl on her ear; she grimaces at this.)

Soapy: After playing with animals...

Doug: (as girl) Ah! Ahh! He's trying to chew my brains out! Ahhh!!

(Cut to a toilet being flushed)

Soapy: And especially, after going to the toilet.

(Cut to the kid who flushed the toilet now washing his/her hands in the sink.)

Doug: (as Soapy) Mr. Feces, the Constipation Fighter, will talk more in detail about this one.

(Cut back to Billy and Soapy in the former's room.)

Soapy: You and I can be partners in other clean habits, Billy.

Doug: (as Soapy) Like smuggling people for slave labor.

(Cut to Billy taking his bath)

Soapy: And of course, you should take a bath or shower each time you've been working or playing hard. You should wash your hair often. Boys can do it easily, (Doug snickers, probably at the way Billy washes his hair) each time they take a bath or shower.

Doug: (as Soapy) Don't think I won't be watching.

(Cut to a girl washing her hair in a sink.)

Soapy: Girls should wash their hair at least once every two weeks.

Doug: (as Billy) Boy, you're pretty lenient on the girls there, aren't you? (as Soapy) They're not as dirty as the penised ones.

(Cut back to Billy and Soapy.)

Soapy: You can see, Billy, that I am your partner, but you have other health friends.

(Pause; nothing happens.)

Doug: (as Soapy) I said, "You have other health frie–" (Cut, right then, to a health department building) Thank you.

(A health officer comes out of the building.)

Soapy: Every community has a health department, just as it has a fire department or a police department.

Doug: (as Soapy) Or a brothel.

Soapy: And one of your best friends is the health officer. (health officer takes out a notebook and examines it) He's a germ fighter, too.

Doug: (as health officer) Hmm... "12:15: Stand and look at my notebook".

Soapy: Health officers fight germs in many ways.

(Cut to a health officer testing a drinking glass with a cue tip.)

Doug: (as Soapy) Like drinking Johnnie Walker Red on the rocks.

Soapy: They know how to look for germs. This health officer is testing a drinking glass from your school cafeteria.

Doug: He discovered that it had several traces of Mr. Bungle urine.

(Cut to a health officer outside the school, feeling around a screen on a window.)

Soapy: And now a health officer checks the cafeteria windows, to be sure that flies can't get in. Flies carry dangerous germs on their feet.

(Cut to a cow corral, where several cows are all at a trough; a few health officers look on.)

Doug: (as Soapy) To demonstrate, here are some cows.

Soapy: Health laws say that food must be clean. Health officers must see that cows are clean and healthy, so their milk will not have germs.

(Cut to a health officer looking at and petting a cow at the trough.)

Doug: (as health officer) You can't wait to be slaughtered, can you, little fella?

(Cut to a shot of a slab of meat)

Soapy: Another health officer, the meat inspector, makes sure that meat is clean and safe. (the inspector presses a marking iron on the meat, leaving a mark) The mark shows that this meat is clean.

Doug: Except for the dirty iron he just put on there.

(Cut back to Billy and Soapy.)

Soapy: But health officers can't do everything for you. You must be your own health officer, Billy.

Doug: (as Soapy) You must sanitize the world!

(Cut to a boy taking an apple from a fruit basket)

Soapy: As germs can get inside of you through your mouth, be sure that food is clean before you eat it.

(The boy takes the apple over to a sink and washes it under it.)

Doug: (as Soapy) Wash the food thirty times before your hour-and-a-half-long hand-scrubbing.

(Cut to a girl and her mother washing dishes in the sink.)

Soapy: Be sure that dishes are clean before you use them for food.

Doug: (as Billy) Well, lucky for me only women do that. (as Soapy) Indeed, Billy. Let's pray they never grow wise.

(Cut to a boy lying on the grass outside eating a cookie; another boy walks up to him.)

Soapy: Never take a bite from someone else's food. (the first boy breaks his cookie and gives the uneaten half to the other boy) That's right...

Doug: Oh, yeah!

Soapy: Break off the piece...

Doug: Oh, yes!

Soapy: share your cookie.

Doug: Oh, share that cookie, you dirty little beast!

(Cut to a kid taking a piece of candy out of a bag, then folding over the opening, closing it off.)

Soapy: And keep food covered, safe from flies when you eat outside. Remember, flies carry dangerous germs on their feet.

Doug: It's almost as if you've said that already.

(Cut to someone covering a bottle with a lid, then to a boy drinking at a drinking fountain.)

Soapy: When you drink at a fountain, keep your mouth away from the nozzle.

Doug: (as Soapy) Make sure it goes directly into your nose.

(Cut back to Billy and Soapy.)

Soapy: And there's one more important thing, Billy: your clothes.

Doug: (as Soapy) Lose 'em!

(Cut to a cowboy putting a saddle on a horse.)

Soapy: A cowboy wears working clothes when he's out on the range, because he gets dusty and dirty.

(Cut to the cowboy now putting the saddle on a post.)

Soapy: But when he's ready to go into town, after I've helped him wash up...

Doug: You what??

(Cut to the cowboy now wearing different clothes, looking himself in a small mirror and combing his hair. He then puts on his cowboy hat.)

Soapy: ...he puts on his clean clothes.

Doug: (as cowboy) Thank God that man in the soap costume helped me clean my nether regions! (chuckles) I should ask questions more.

(Cut to a boy wearing a baseball cap and holding a baseball bat walking up to the door of his house.)

Soapy: Children get dusty and dirty when they play games. You should wear old clothes when you play.

Doug: (as Soapy) Like your dead brother's jacket. (beat) ...Too soon?

(Cut to the boy in a bathroom and wearing new clothes and brushing his hair.)

Soapy: But when you're through playing, when you've cleaned up for dinner, you should change to clean clothes.

Doug: (as Soapy) Use mother's brush to confuse society.

(Cut back to Billy and Soapy.)

Soapy: You see, Billy, being clean in every way is an important part of being healthy, and being healthy is an important part of being happy.

Billy: I see that now, Soapy. You are a good friend and partner.

Soapy: That's right.

Doug: (as Soapy) Is it okay if tell people that we're partners?

Soapy: Well, so long. So long, partner, and don't forget...

Doug: (as Soapy, who disappears) Tonight, you'll be haunted by three ghosts!

Billy: I won't, Soapy.

(Cut to Billy back in the bathtub again, bathing himself.)

Female narrator: And Billy didn't forget. He's one of the cleanest boys in our town now.

Doug: (as Billy; nervously) Gotta keep clean, gotta keep clean! Giant soap will kill me!

Female narrator: He's one of the healthiest. (Billy dries himself) And certainly, he's one of the happiest.

(Billy looks toward the camera, winking and nodding rather creepily.)

Doug: (as Billy; nervously) Heh-heh... Oh, god...

(The film fades out through black to an end title card that reads: "The End".)

Doug: Is there a therapist for soap-related trauma in the audience?

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