Jerk: Star Command, I'm detecting increasing levels of spinny thing. Oh, hi! Some Jerk with a Camera here, and I am... not in Florida, clearly, but I was when I shot this: my Top 11 Florida Attractions Not in California countdown. This was my first two-parter first released on June 19th and June 28th of 2011 and since then, a couple of these rides have undergone major changes. One of them is closed entirely and also my opinion on some of them is shifted a little. So, I'm not going to change the video itself, it's a time capsule on how I felt at the time, but what I am going to do is show up at the end of part 2 to give you my updated countdown. What else? Oh yeah, um, at the time I made this video, I was having what you might call a disagreement with Disney fan forum called MiceChat. Some of the users for MiceChat had posted links to my videos and the moderators of that site took them down and eventually deleted the entire topic because I said naughty words in them. Oh my god! The poor children. How will the industry survive? So anyway, this video contains my reaction to that. Enjoy.
Jerk: To all who come to this even happier place, welcome. I'm Some Jerk with a Camera.
[The episode opens with it's typical shot of Magic Kingdom castle with the show's title. Static. Cut to Jerk at a hotel.]
Jerk: Hi. I'm in Florida. No no no, seriously, I'm in Florida. Look, I'll prove it. Look. [Jerk pulls out a phone book and points to the location subtitle] Central Florida. [Throws the phone book aside.] America's dong-shaped juice cemetery itself. Now, I know what a lot of you out there are probably wondering...
Phil Buni: Jerk, what the HELL are you doing in Florida anyway!?!!
Jerk: Good question, Phil. Well, first of all, I'm here for the theme parks. Between Walt Disney World and Universal Orlando, some of the greatest theme parks in the world are in Central Florida. Second of all.... There is no "second of all" because there's no other reason to visit Florida ever. Talking internet rabbit, wouldn't you agree?
Phil: [aggravated] Oh my god! I lived in Florida two, um... almost, almost three years and it was the WORST fucking state I ever lived in.
Jerk: Exactly, so why wo...
Phil: [interrupting] Florida has some of the worst drivers. So in California, right, if the traffic's bad just because there's like a million bajillion people, but in FLORIDA it's like they're actively trying to destroy each other like it's a bumper car arena.
Jerk: Right. And that's why...
Phil: [interrupting, again] You go into a parking lot, and the parking lot has a million fucking speed bumps. You wanna know why the parking lots have a million fucking speed bumps?
Jerk: [disinterested] No, why?
Phil: Because Floridians cannot be trusted to drive in a parking lot less than fifteen miles an hour. Yeah, yeah. If they didn't have those speed bumps on every fucking thing, then they'd be going eighty miles an hour around and around the Albertson's parking lot like goddamn psycho mental cases. And you wanna talk about bugs? Man, let's talk about bugs...
[Jerk, unable to talk any more of Phil's continuous rants, jump cuts into Lake Buena Vista]
Jerk: So, why spend thousands of dollars on a trip to Florida just for theme parks when I've already got theme parks in my disposal in Los Angeles?
[Cut to Jerk on a rainy day holding an umbrella]
Jerk: Why, indeed?
Jerk: Well, this episode is about exactly why. I call it "Get on a Damn Plane: The Top 11 Florida Attractions Not in California." Why top 11? Because I like to go eleven steps beyond. So, strap on your hiking boots and get ready to walk until you feet declare sovereignty because...
[Cut to the "THIS IS SPARTA" scene from 300]
THIS... IS... FLORIDA!!!
[Titles of the episode/countdown]
#11: Maelstrom at Walt Disney World's Epcot Edit
Jerk: You know who's stupid? Vikings. Don't they just suck? Aren't they just the biggest wimps of all time with their shields and their hats and their weapons always raised ready to attack anyone who insults him-- hmm? [pause] He's been what me?
Jerk [v/o]: They just don't build rides like this anymore. It's kind of a smaller, less ambitious Nordic Pirates of the Caribbean. Pirates are posers anyway. Vikings were raping and pillaging before there was money in it. This ride is all about the history of Norway, complete with an awesome three-headed troll.
Troll: THIS IS TROLL COUNTRY!!
Jerk: Oh no, not...
Voice:... insert least favorite website here.
Troll: Back, over the falls! [trolls laugh as the boat goes backwards]
[Clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
Second Head: He's buggered off.
Third Head: So he has. He's scampered.
Jerk [v/o]: That's right. Your boat goes backwards. You can't ride anything backwards in Anaheim unless you bring your own monkey wrench. This ride ends with a nice five-minute Norway travelogue, which used to suck because after the ride was over they would trap you in this waiting area until the theater door was open.
Haunted Mansion Narrator: Which offers you this chilling challenge... to find a way out!!
Jerk [v/o]: Nowadays, of course, they keep the doors open because few people stay for the film anyway. One of the most underrated rides in Disney history, there's a lot of vaguely pirate-like fun in the-
Joshamee Gibbs: MAELSTROM!!!!
[Cut to Jerk at the Maelstrom gift shop wearing a viking hat]
Jerk: Bloody pirates, always plundering ideas [Eyeing at the giant troll statue with the big nose] Are you Jewish?
#10: Rock n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith at Disney's Hollywood Studios Edit
Jerk [v/o]: This one is pretty low on the list because... it's got its problems. Right away, they tease you with the visual of a coaster on a giant guitar string, but it's not part of the real track. It's just the logo.
Jerk: I've wanted to ride a guitar since I was a ZYGOTE!! HOW DARE YOU SLEEP THROUGH MY DREAMS?!
Jerk [v/o]: Then, the queue is designed like a recording studio, with "iconic" rock records on the wall. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, and bullshit. [Demi Lovato, Everlife, Disneymania V, and Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana] And then we get to the preshow film-- Aerosmith's ONLY actual involvement in this big expensive roller coaster, built with manual labor by actual people, but named after these dudes that showed up to the set one day.
Steven Tyler: [looks out, but he's hardly acting enthusiastically] Wait a minute-- I love that idea.
- In this shot, it looks like he's making the Shocker with his hand. Only recently (around October of last year) was this cropped out to make it look less offensive.
Jerk: [making the same tired stance Tyler makes, flopping his mouth like a puppet and ADR'ed] I also love this peanut butter they put in my mouth.
Steven Tyler: How 'bout some backstage passes?
Jerk [v/o]: Pshh, anyone can get those. [a clip from Wayne's World is shown] All you need is a public access show and six retarded catchphrases. Also, is it me, or does the way this is projected make them all look like avatars? I feel like I'm playing Aero-Sims.
Jerk [v/o]: But once you get past all that, it's a ton of fun. I love how seedy they made the load area look; I half-expect to see an animatronic Sid Vicious shooting up in the background.
[Cut to Jerk outside the gift shop entrance, robotically injecting himself and then dropping, with "Yo Ho" playing in the background.]
Jerk [v/o]: And, of course, the ride itself fucking OWNS. It's a wild, fast roller coaster in the dark with Aerosmith music playing! Sometimes in life, it's all about the simple things. Maybe I'm a sick little monkey, but I just love that they play loud, raucous rock songs about cocaine and vaginas in a courtyard just a short walk from Voyage of the Little Mermaid. Now, it remains to be seen what will happen when these guys start literally collapsing into piles of dust mid-song. I don't think they'll ever lose the ride, but they might replace the band. And I know at one point, they were talking about the Jonas Brothers.
[Dramatic sting plays as we zoom in on a still of the Jonases.]
Jerk: [interviewing] Mr. Tyler, you're a professional judge of reality. Now, tell me, what do you think I will do if that happens?
[Cut to an interview of Tyler, possibly taken from ALTV2K]
Steven Tyler: You will steal from your parents, and you'll beat your wife, and you'll leave your little kid and your daughter, and you won't eat, and you'll die before you even get a chance to know it. You'll be on your deathbed, going [makes a gesture depicting fading away and losing your consciousness], and birds will be around your head, and you won't know. You won't have a glimpse.
Jerk: The original ride's REALLY that good?
Steven Tyler: Yeah, that good. Yeeeeah, it's that good.
Jerk: [turns to the camera] DAMN STRAIGHT.
#9: TestTrack at Epcot Edit
[Cut to Jerk pounding his fist and shouting]
Jerk: NO! STOP IT! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! NO! STOP IT! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!
Jerk 2: Jerk, what are you doing?
Jerk: Oh hi, Jerk. I'm just protesting this offensive ride until they SHUT IT DERN!!!
Jerk 2: Why?
Jerk: Because it's all about cars and driving, and kids can't drive cars, so it's inappropriate! You see, we need to shield our youngins from the very concept of anything they can't partake in. Besides, all the profane acceleration looks fun, and fun distracts us from being slaves to the Lord.
Jerk 2: Jerk, is that because that family-friendly forum took down links to your videos because you swore in them?
Jerk 2: Let it go, Jerk.
Jerk: NO! My ham-fistedness is too delicious! [Jerk literally and proudly eats the back of his right fist] mmm, honey-baked.
[Back to the countdown]
Jerk [v/o]: On TestTrack an auto plant is testing cars and you are the crash test dummies and you're being lead by John Michael Higgins. How big a fail is it that they cast Higgins and didn't give him anything funny to do?
[Cut to clip from Walk Hard: A Dewey Cox Story]
Record producer: You have failed conclusively! There is nothing that you can do, here in this room... that can turn that around. Nothing you can do that can make up for what you just did... [Cut to footage from TestTrack with the car speeding up. Cut back to the record producer turning back and nodding his head.]
Jerk [v/o]: Now, TestTrack will get a West Coast equivalent next year when Radiator Springs Racers opens at DCA, but until then, it only exists in Florida.
Phil: Florida smells like shit!! Have you ever smelled Florida? You wanna know why it smells so bad? Because Florida is the goddamn penis of America... [As Phil keeps moaning and bitching, Jerk turns down the volume of Phil's speech]
Jerk [v/o]: TestTrack, you may as well ride it because your taxes pay for it anyway.
#8: The Cat in the Hat at Universal's Islands of Adventure Edit
Jerk: Why make The Cat in the Hat number eight?
It's only a kids ride, it's not all that great.
Well, I recognize this ride a lot more because,
Of what it does not do than what the thing does.
This cute little beauty does not fuck Seuss up.
With all movie dark rides, you have to condense,
And when you condense, you don't always make sense.
But a children's book ride? Why that's damn bloody brilliant!
The whole story's here, not a tenth or a millionth.
The characters look like the book, it's just right.
Mike Myers is somewhere else picking a fight.
[Jerk at the One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish spinning ride]
Jerk: In fact, only one thing brings tears to my eye:
Jerk [v/o]: This shot of The Cat done in shit CGI.
[Melting face from Raiders of the Lost Ark]
Jerk [v/o]: But otherwise, this thing is well worth a look,
It's a mighty great ride through a might great book.
[Jerk at the Green Eggs and Ham cafe]
Jerk: I do enjoy my fist of ham,
I do enjoy it on the lam.
I strangled five in Arkansas,
And now I run from Johnny Law.
[Jerk munches on the back of his fist again]
#7: The Great Movie Ride at Disney's Hollywood Studios Edit
Jerk [v/o]: Disney puts its biggest recent movie characters in so many rides these days that it's easy forget a time when they had no big recent movie characters and were forced to license them from other studios. That's how the Great Movie Ride was born. It takes place in a replica of 'man's Chinese Theater and... Gah, remember when Disney replicas used to be nicer than the real thing?
[Jerk at the Grauman's Chinese Theater at Hollywood Blvd]
Jerk: Yeah, it's okay, but if only it was festering with disease.
Jerk [v/o]: This epic dark ride runs the gamut of cinema history from musicals to westerns, Casablanca to Alien, all classics that have stood the test of time. The most recent one is Raiders of the Lost Ark. And at one point, a fucking gangster shows up and hijacks the vehicle. How cool is that?
[Jerk at the People Mover]
Jerk: Can you imagine if that happened in some other media? Wouldn't that just be whacky? No, no it wouldn't. [pause] Anyway... [static]
[Cut to Jerk at his hotel room wearing a black fedora]
Jerk Mahoney: I'm Jerk Mahoney. That's right, Jerk Mahoney. And I'm taking over this review show, see. [laughs maniacally] Oop, cardiac arrest. [flops over dead; static]
[Cut to Jerk at the German Pavillion at Epcot]
Jerk: All I'm saying is that if Hitler had been aborted, then Bob Hope never could have made enough money to single-handedly defeat the Nazis with a stick. Boy, I really got off on a tangent. Anyway, Great Movie Ride...
Jerk [v/o]: There have been talks over the years of replacing it with a Disney villain ride. And as cool as that would be, I think we need The Great Movie Ride if only to remind kids of the other movies out there beyond fairy tales and Pixar.
Ice Cube: [from the song "Burn Hollywood Burn"] Fuck Hollywood.
#6: Kilimanjaro Safaris at Disney's Animal Kingdom Edit
Jerk [v/o]: Do I even have to explain why this is cool? It's a safari, with real animals a mere feet from you. No Servos, no circuit boards, just nature. Beautiful delicious nature.
[Jerk about to eat a burger at the T-Rex restaurant at Downtown Disney (now Disney Springs)]
Jerk: What? Hey! My species paid good money for these opposable thumbs. I'm gonna use them. [Jerk eats the burger] Don't think this burger wouldn't eat me if it had the chance.
Jerk [v/o]: It's every thing Walt Disney wanted The Jungle Cruise to be, minus the Jungle and the Cruise. [Caption reads: "Savannah = Jungle" sideways strikethough the equal sign] This ride is bumpy.
Jerk: If you have time, try to ride this twice, once on each side of the vehicle so you see everything up close. Try to avoid the two seats on the middle or you'll be treated to the safari of the backs of people's heads. [Caption reads: "Safari of the Backs of People's Heads! Coming Soon to Denver!"]
Jerk [v/o]: This is one of the only rides to really take advantage of just how fucking big Disney World is.
Jerk: And who doesn't love animals? They're so cute and precious and innocent...
Phil: I was stuck in a fat guy's crotch for ten days and it was not even a third as hot and sweaty and shitty-smelling as fucking Florida.
Jerk: [confused] You guys can see him, right? I ... really hope I'm not the only one who can see him.
Phil: You and me both, Jack. [Caption reads: "
Post credits: In Memoriam: Jerk Mahoney (1487 - 2011)
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