Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie
November 28th, 2012
(We start off in Bennett the Sage's room where he's quite upset. He picks up the phone and makes a call to Doug Walker, whose ringtone is Banana Phone)
Sage: Fuck you, you sonovabitch!
Doug: That's gotta be Sage.
Sage: You're goddamn right it's me, asshole! Where the fuck do you get off giving the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog the shit you gave?
Doug: Wait, is that what this is about? Dude, that was years ago. Why are you fanboy raging now?
Sage: (yelling loud enough that Doug has to hold the phone away) I'm not a Sonic fanboy!
Doug: Uh, you sure about that? Because, uh, sounds like you are.
Sage: Listen, I don't care about Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. I played his games every now and then, and that was it. That is hardly anything you would call fanboyism.
Doug: Well, if you don't give a shit about Sonic, then what the hell is this all about?
Sage: This is about you not knowing what the fuck you're talking about. If you thought for one moment the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog was as bad as it got, then fuck your bullshitting ass!
Doug: Hey, I know what's going on here. You found some Sonic anime that you see as being worse than the original, right?
Doug: And now you're "angry" at me for leaving it out of the review.
Sage: Wait, what the hell?
Doug: And so you call me up and "demand" that we do a crossover, huh?
(Parental advisory warning here, folks. It gets vulgar)
Sage: Doug, suck my dick. Suck my dick until your jaw loses feeling. Suck my dick until everything you taste from now on tastes like sweaty man-meat. Suck my dick like it's your first night in Hollywood. Suck my dick like you were trying to win a prize on a Japanese game show! Suck my dick like my cum cured baldness! Suck my dick until you are less MAN and more COCKWARMER!!
Doug: ...Okay, Sage, um...that is the worst crossover idea ever.
(And Sage screams before we go to the opening sequence. Once that's over, he's trying to calm down)
Sage: Can you tell I was a Nintendo kid?
(Clips of the movie play)
Sage (vo): I can't believe I'm doing this. Of all the bad OVAs I could wrench out of the coffin of bad 90s anime, I had to choose one of the most annoying, nonsensical pieces of shit to EVER blight a Sonic fanboy's VCR!
Sage: If I'm this pissed about the show, I can't even imagine how an actual Sonic fan would've--
(suddenly static as a new face, this one wearing a gas mask, appears)
Man: I can tell you.
Sage: Oh, hey. Marc the Engineer, everybody. Famous voice actor of fellow actors (pictures of) Brett Weaver, Bill Rogers, Kyle Hebert...and Brett Weaver
Marc: Yeah, yeah whatever. You were asking about how Sonic fans reacted to this knife in the sternum?
Sage: Uh, yeah actually. Wait a minute, um, can I ask about the whole...? (circling aroung his face)
Sage: Alright, alright. Just asking. So, how would you nkow anything about the--(Marc brings out a Tails doll) okay, okay, fair enough. So, alright, I'll bite. How was the damage?
Marc: I don't know what you're talking about.
Marc: There wasn't any damage because it didn't happen.
Sage: Uh, Marc, if this didn't happen, then (taking out the VHS) what the hell am I holding?
Marc: Well it's certainly not the Sonic the Hedgehog movie, because it didn't happen.
Sage: Marc, I don't know what you're--
Marc: IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!! Look, Lunchbox, I don't expect you to understand, so let me put it to you like this. Sonic Heroes happened, Sonic 2006 happened, Shadow the Hedgehog happened. And to a lesser extent, Dr, Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine, Sonic R, Sonic Riders, Sonic and the Black Knight, Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Shuffle, Sonic 4 and Sonic Underground HAPPENED! THAT!!
Sage: (looking at the movie) This?
Marc: DIDN'T HAPPEN!!
Sage: So Sonic fans handled this through denial?
Marc: Yes! Ehh, no. Alright, it was either living a lie or booze.
Sage: Well, my mama didn't raise me to be no liar. (he puts the tape down, then picks up a bottle of Wild Turkey) In for a penny... (he uncorks the bottle and takes a swig)
Sage (vo): We open our story with an...owl on a jet, and it looks like he's flying off to one of the floating rocks on Pandora. Either that or J.J. Abrams' backyard. (As the camera pans down on the pile of junk, arrows point at a familiar starship and a plane) Look, we got both the USS Enterprise and Oceanic Flight 815.*
- LOST didn't debut until September 22, 2004 while this came out in 1996 in Japan and 1999 in America.
(Sonic's just laid back in a lounge chair under an umbrella while Tails is holding a surfboard with jets on it)
Miles "Tails" Prower: Come on, you wanna try it out?
Sonic: Not right now, thanks.
Tails: Alright, I'll go use it myself.
Sonic: Tails is just like a little kid with his new toy.
(Sage just stares blankly at the voice acting before him)
(Tails is doing tricks on the board in the water)
Tails: Hey, come out here, Sonic! It's okay if you don't swim! You can give it a try!
Sonic: Just don't show off that you don't look where you're going! (just before he can relax, a crash is heard)
(Sage just continues to stare before taking a swig of his whiskey)
Sage (vo): Oohhh. Oh dear sweet Lord. This is what we're in for, folks. Voice acting so grating it could sand off bark. Hell, this isn't even voice acting. This is some obnoxious comedian's impression of bad voice acting.
(Sage has just finished the bottle)
Sage: O-hoh, man. Never thought you'd miss Jaleel White this much, did you? (He pops open another bottle and takes a swig)
Tails: Aaaaaahhhh! (Tails is speeding off on his board)
Sonic: It's probably nothing. (he goes back to laying on his chair)
Tails: Sonic! Help me! Wake up, Sonic! Come on! Heeeelp! Wake up, Sonic!
(Sonic has had enough of Tails' screeching)
Sonic: SHUT UP, TAILS!!
Sage: Careful what you say there, Sonic. I can think of another thing that needs their throat kicked in. (he takes a swig)
Sage (vo): Apparently, Miles was screaming bloody murder the owl's now crashing ship, and it's up to Miles to save him. What about Sonic, you may ask? Eh, he says "fuck you" and goes back to sunbathing.
Sage: Listen, I'm not too familiar with the Sonic (fingerquotes) "mythos" or anything, but is he supposed to be this big of a douchenozzle?
(The owl's plane is getting closer to a cliff wall with Tails on one of the wings)
Tails: Aaaaahhhhhh! SOOONNIIIIICCC!
(Sonic now turns and starts dashing off to the plane)
Sage: Wait, now Sonic gets off his ass and saves the both of them? What in the fuck happened in the one minute between now and the time that Sonic couldn't be bothered to act like the hero he's supposed to be?
(Sonic runs along the cliff wall towards the plane, going fast enough to get into a spin dash to meet the plane just as it crashes into the cliff. The Looney Tunes theme plays as "That's all folks!" is added onto the explosion)
Sage (vo): Oh god how I wish that was true. Nope, Sonic saves the two and the owl tells the both of them that the reason he made the trip in the first place that the President needs them. And right before I can make the Bad Dudes reference that's on everybody's mind, the movie makes it for me and has Dr. Robotnik holding both the President and his daughter hostage.
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Now Sonic, I've got the upper hand. This is about the entire planet's freedom, so you better do as I say!
Sonic: No way!
Robotnik: (having a mini robot hold a spiked ball to the daughter's throat) Don't you care about pretty young Sara?
Sara: Help me, daddy!
President: Little Sara... Sonic, please listen to whatever Robotnik has to say!
Sonic: Oh, alright. Gimme the scoop, Robotnik.
Robotnik: Thank you Sonic, I will. As you both well know...
Sage: Ep! Stopping you right there. If you're actually going to put the line "as you may well know" into your script, why not just tell the truth and have them say "I'm going to be talking to the audience for the next few minutes?"
Sage (vo): And indeed, Robotnik does just that, explaining that something called Metal Robotnik has kicked him out of his dimension and sabotaged the generator that would destroy the entire planet if it's not stopped. And why Robotnik had to take the President and his daughter hostage to tell them this, I don't know.
President: How can we stop this terrible thing from happening, Robotnik?
Robotnik: There's only one thing to do. Someone has to get through Metal Robotnik's traps, go into Robotropolis and stop that generator before sunrise. (pointing to Sonic) And it should be the fastest one here!
Sonic: Fugheddaboutit! You created that stupid contraption in the first place. Why should I have to go cleaning up your messes?
Sage: Again, is this supposed to be how he acts? Why the fuck do you all like this shitstain?
Sage (vo): But again, it doesn't take long to twist Sonic's arm into compliance, and the two of them set off for Robotropolis. (Sonic is standing on the front of the Tornado 1 while Tails flies it) Heh, you just gotta love Sonic's standing on the wings of this biplane here. It's like he's daring God to kill him. Meanwhile, Robotnik and the President's daughter get into a...robot, I think, that erupts from the floor for no reason. And they fuck off to who knows where.
Sage: Look, I can plainly see that the movie was meant to be funny and not to be taken at all seriously, I get that. But there has to be some kind of grounding for there to be any comedy. It's cartoon logic, sure, but if there's no rhyme or reason to the scenes in question, then it just winds up feeling confused. (He looks at the bottle in his hand, and it's shown he's finished the second one off some time ago. He looks at the empties, then back to the other bottle in his hand) Not even a buzz? Really?
Sage (vo): Sonic and Tails arrive in Robotnik's dimension where they proceed to run through your typical Sonic level, including, and I'm not kidding here, hitting a warp zone. Apparently, this warp zone leads them a stone's throw away from their destination.
(The area looks more like a flooded post-apocalyptic New York)
Sonic: Look. The relics are sinking right into the ocean.
(Sonic is standing on the spire of what may as well be the Empire State Building as Tails hovers over him)
Tails: Sonic, I bet it's because the robot generator is out of control and causing reactions under the ground.
Sage: I swear to Christ, every time Miles opens his goddamn mouth to speak, I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines! (looking at his whiskey) And why the fuck isn't this working!? (He then goes cross-eyed, the alcohol finally kicking in) Oh...
(We go to commercial break with a drawing of Sage quite sick and bloated as Psychostick's "Beer" plays off)
Technical difficulties. Emergency stomach pump session.
(We come back from commercial break shortly)
Sage (vo): So Metal Robotnik pimps in and then tries its best to pulverize Sonic and Tails, but it looks like he just can't keep up with them. This all leads to the movie dicking around for several minutes, having Sonic and Tails run around and dodge his attacks and doing very little else. Finally, Metal Robotnik has had enough and whips out his butt cannon...yes, its butt cannon...and sprays the both of them so they can't move.
Sage: (rubbing his chin) Let's see, a butt cannon that shoots sticky projectiles... Nah, too easy.
(Sonic's feet are stuck to the ground)
Metal Robotnik: You might have the fastest feet in the world, but now you're just a normal hedgehog.
Sage: Yes, a normal hedgehog that's blue, capable of human speech and wears sneakers. Next you'll probably tell me that Miles here is just a normal two-tailed fox.
Sage (vo): The two aren't done yet as Knuckles pops out of nowhere and saves the day. And no, I don't know what is up with his Woody cowboy hat. Metal Robotnik senses the tide has turned and tries to make a break for it, but Sonic won't have it. The dude shot at him with a butt cannon! No way he lives!
(Suddenly the pod Sara and Robotnik got into earlier pops out of the water. Somehow their clothes are quite tattered)
Robotnik: Sonic better enjoy his victory now because once he gets to Robotropolis, he'll have to fight something far more evil than Metal Robotnik!
(Suddenly Sara smacks him over the head with a pipe)
Sara: What do you mean, "worse than Metal Robotnik?" Are you talking about yourself? You better keep your hands off my Sonic or I'll never forgive you!
Sage: Wait, that was the thing that the President's daughter and Robotnik got into earlier? What? How? Why? Hold on. If the President's daughter didn't want Sonic to get hurt, why did she willingly go into that robot in the first place? Gaahh!
Sage (vo): Knuckles seems to be on the same wavelength as Sonic and Tails and decides to tag along for the rest of the journey. (Knuckles is shown flying in the air) Oh, and by the way, since when could Knuckles fly?
Sage: Yeah, in the games he could glide, but this isn't gliding now, is it?
(Tails is using his tails to fly, Sonic is leaping across structures and Knuckles is flying)
Sage (vo): Look at him! He's literally standing on air. In fact, how the fuck is he supposed to glide in the first place. At least Tails uses his two tails as a propeller and as dumb as that sounds, that at least has some semblance of sense. What the fuck does the echidna do to glide?
Sage: Yes, in a world where foxes use their tails to fly and blue hedgehogs talk and run at supersonic speeds, I'm calling bullshit on the flying echidna.
Sage (vo): However, his mystical powers of flight come in handy as the three manage to find Robotropolis and stop the generator from overheating. But all of this turns out to be a trap as the generator breaks away, revealing the sinister--I'm sure--Metal Sonic.
(Sonic and Metal Sonic come face to face)
Tails: It's a robo that looks like Sonic!
Sage: Thanks, Captain Obvious. God, could you get any more annoying, Tails?
Sage (vo): It seems Sonic fell for the old "fake out of control generator" scam and now Robotnik has him right where he wants him.
Sonic: Release Sara now, Robotnik!
Robotnik: Hehehehehe. Ah, but first you must fight him. Go get him, Hyper Metal Sonic!
(Metal Sonic's eyes light up)
Sonic: Everybody stand back. Nobody try to help me. I have to destroy this impostor.
Sage: I wasn't gonna help ya anyway, you douche! I hope Metal Sonic leaves enough of your corpse to bury it so I can piss on your grave.
Sage (vo): And honestly, this is the rest of the movie, Sonic and his clone just duking it out for the next 20 minutes cut between Knuckles and Tails holding their dicks doing nothing, and Robotnik trying to woo the President's daughter. And just for good measure, the occasional scene with the unfunny, obnoxious owl.
Tails: Old man, are you still in here somewhere?
Owl: I'm behind you, Tails. (The owl is now wearing...well, let's just call it the 90s in a nutshell!) You've come home early.
Tails: Those are Sonic's favorite clothes so don't blame me if he gets mad at you!
Owl: Don't worry about it. He was here last night. He forced me to put on these clothes and then flew away without saying anything. Hahahaha!
Knuckles and Tails: He flew away? Metal!
Sage: Okay, why the fuck would Metal Sonic stop fighting the original Sonic to play dress-up with the owl?
Tails: Because Metal was programmed with all of Sonic's data. He knows everything. His likes, his dislikes, his personality and all his thoughts. That's why he knew to come down here. (The owl is doing some form of weird dance) And he even gave the old man his favorite clothes.
(Sage is stunned from the owl's dancing)
Sage: Do we have any booze left?
Sage (vo): And the bullshit parade continues as Knuckles begins postulating that Metal Sonic must be making his way up to the polar caps so he can cause them to melt, fracturing the continents and destroying the overworld. Because science.
Sage: And so we head to our final climax with all parties converging to the polar circle. Luckily for us, I can summarize this entire sequence in ten seconds.
(The following scenes have Sara kicking at Metal Sonic, falling out of the sky, being carried by Knuckles as he slips on the ice, Tails rolling down a snowy hill, then the three of them on some ice that's cracking, then Tails and Sara cheering Sonic on)
Sage: *sharp inhale* Yyyyeeaaahhhh....
Sage (vo): Finally making himself useful, Tails reprograms Metal Sonic to allow the real Sonic an opening for attack. But because the movie wants to drag its heels for as long as it can, it pulls this convoluted ticking clock where the President, for no reason stated, crashes his ship into an ice bridge, and if that ship explodes, it'll destroy every continent on the planet.
Sage: Again, because science.
Sage (vo): So it becomes a desperation battle as Sonic and Metal Sonic continue this ball-numbingly long bout until Sonic makes Metal launch into the ship, causing it to explode. And yet this doesn't break the ice bridge like they said it would. And then Metal saves the President and the owl who were trapped in that explosion--(finally having had enough!) Just end! End already, you piece of shit!! EEENNNNDDD!
(Cut to a clip of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode: "The Wild World Of Batwoman")
Mike Nelson: END! ENNNNDDDD!
(A piece of debris falls onto Metal Sonic, plummeting him towards the lava)
Sage (vo): Oh thank Christ this shit pile's wrapping up. Metal Sonic falls into a chasm and for some reason, Sonic decides to try and save it.
(Metal Sonic's legs are gone as he tries to crawl out. Audio from Star Wars Episode 3 is dubbed in)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were the chosen one! It was said you would destroy the Sith, not join them!
(Sonic reaches for Metal Sonic's hand, but Metal slaps it away)
(The lava begins to engulf Metal Sonic)
Metal Sonic: There is only one Sonic!
Sonic: No! Don't!
Knuckles: Don't do it, Sonic!
(It'd be too late as Metal Sonic is now thoroughly dead)
Sage: Huh. Maybe I should've made a Terminator 2 reference instead of that Star Wars reference. Wait, I can still make it, can I? Nah, fuck it.
(Sonic, Tails and Knuckles run off towards more adventure while Robotnik is swearing vengeance)
Sage (vo): So with the world save and the audience's 50 minutes wasted, Sonic and friends jet off towards a new adventure. The End.
Sage: (Holding the movie) This thing is absolutely wretched. This is the worst kind of brain rotting entertainment ever to be shoveled in front of a kid. I don't know how you Sonic fans live with yourselves without a second liver. Feh! (he puts the movie down) Oh god. But...that was nothing. Nothing compared to what we've got in store for next month. It's the end of the world, ladies and gentlemen, (holding the dvd for Neon Genesis Evangelion: Death and Rebirth) and I feel fine. Till next time.
(And we go to credits)