Spy Kids 3D
May 31, 2016
(We start off with the NC 2016 opening before coming into his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic...
(Suddenly, Distracting (Malcolm) pops up in the camera's face. He's wearing sunglasses, has a colorful outfit and a wild hair)
Distracting: I'm 3D!
(Distracting keeps shouting "I'm 3D" as he runs around the room smacking NC around and exits, leaving him confused)
NC: What the hell was that?!
(Distracting runs around the living room while Dignified (also Malcolm) comes out. He's wearing a suit and glasses and smoking a pipe)
Dignified: You must excuse him. He's always this way.
NC: Who the flying Ritalin are you?
Dignified: We are the 3D Brothers. He's Distracting, (pointing to his crazier brother) I'm Dignified. You may have noticed my work from films like (Posters of) Hugo or How to Train Your Dragon.
NC: Wait, if you're the 3D Brothers, where's the third one?
Dignified: Oh, he's over there. (He points out to an emo-looking Malcolm in the corner looking sullen and depressed) You might recognize him from movies like (Posters of) Clash of the Titans or (The) Last Airbender. We call him Doesn't Count.
Distracting: Hey, Doesn't Count. Show him your effects!
DC: Oh, um... (he puts his hand out to the camera) Ooh, my hand is slightly in front of my face. What does it matter? I'm not even supposed to be here!
Dignified: Oh, now, that's not true.
DC: Yes, it is! Mom thought I'd make things better, but all I do was draw attention to how broken everything really is.
Distracting: Ha-ha! He's always getting involved where he doesn't belong!
NC: Okay, what has that asshole (Distracting) been in?
Dignified: Oh, the usual Three Movies tripe.
NC: Three movies?
Dignified: Yes. (Posters of) Jaws 3, Friday The 13th 3, and...
NC: Don't say it!
Dignified: Spy Kids 3.
NC: Noooooo!! I don't want to do Friday The 13th Part 3.
Distracting: You're doing Spy Kids 3D.
NC: Even woooooorse!!
(We see the logo of the movie, before we are shown images of Robert Rodriguez)
NC (vo): Time to rip in to one of the most awesome, hands-on, coolest directors yet again...
NC: Why do you make me do this to you?!
NC (vo): ...Robert Rodriguez. Known for making tons of impressive films on a very small budget, doing a lot of the work himself, his focus was to have the creativity of the production disguise how unbelievably cheap it usually was. (Poster of Sin City) Sometimes it worked, (Poster of Shorts) sometimes it didn't.
(Footage from Spy Kids 1 and 2 are shown)
NC (vo): And sometimes, it did both. This is the case with the Spy Kids trilogy...plus one. (Poster of Spy Kids 4) The first film was so enjoyably bizarre but visually funny, that it was easy to overlook some of the more awkward moments. The sequel was when it started to wear off, combining genuinely funny moments with...
Gerti Giggles (from Spy Kids 2): Camel poop!
NC (vo): But just when you thought there couldn't be more...
Gerti Giggles (from Spy Kids 2): Camel poop!
(Now we are shown clips of Spy Kids 3D)
NC (vo): ...he made Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. To its credit, this is one of the movies that brought 3D back to the limelight as a profitable idea. The only problem is, it's used as a more exploitative gimmick than God is to Pure Flix.
NC: Is it as bad as, say...thinking Sylvester Stallone can play a hippie?
(We see a clip from the movie showing Stallone playing, yep, a hippie)
Toymaker (as a hippie): You have the children's attention. The question is, what are you teaching them?
(NC is stunned, then he whimpers a bit)
NC: This is Spy Kids 3D.
(A screen saying GLASSES ON appears)
NC (vo): The movie begins by telling us to put our glasses on. Yes, thank you, because (the picture is shown without 3D glasses) if we saw this throughout the majority of the film, we'd be helpless to figure out how to stop it.
Floop: Today's feature presentation will also be in (He puts his fingers to the screen and wiggles them) three dimensions.
NC (vo): Alan Cumming is kind enough to interrupt his Nut Gouging (Posters of Son of the Mask, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Smurfs) of Your Childhood Tour by letting you know that you only put on your glasses when the characters in the movie put them on.
NC: Which they wear, not surprisingly, 90% of the movie. So why don't they just make the whole goddamn thing in 3D?
NC (vo): What, did you want to give the people a little arm exercise? This is entirely pointless. Maybe the strategy was to have the people say...
NC: Huh, the characters seem flat and not at all three dimensional. (He puts 3D glasses on over his regular glasses) Wow! Now the characters seem flat and not at all three dimensional in 3D!
(One of the credits for the movie is "A Robert Rodriguez Digital File")
NC: He doesn't even call it a movie! He probably just dropboxed to someone and was like, "Yeah, I made this in my garage. Call it whatever you want. It's debatable whether or not it's actually a film." Personally, I'm hoping this'll start a new fad in credit identification. (We get such credit ideas like "A George Lucas Render," "A Robert Zemeckis mp4," and "A Raja Gosnel 404 Error")
(We see Juni Cortez walking around an abandoned water park)
Juni Cortez: (narrating) I was here because I had gotten a call...
NC (vo): It opens with the Boy Spy Kid--Yeah, I'm sure he has a name, but who are you kidding? We all just call him the Boy Spy Kid--having left his agency and turned into a gumshoe--(realizing the inevitable pun) Don't do it! (Juni does indeed get gum on his shoe) You son of a bitch!
Juni: I know why the water from your park is missing.
Girl: Pray tell.
Juni: It's winter.
NC: Man, I thought the sequel to Blade Runner would be a little bit more adult than this.
NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing about this opening is that the weird, stilted acting is surprisingly kind of welcomed. Their attempted acting out an adult situation is similar to watching the kids from Home Movies make their films.
Juni: They shut down the park during the winter.
Girl: Who's they?
Juni: The people who really own this park.
(Clip from Home Movies)
Brendan Small: All right, cut, cut. Guys, that was great. Did that feel good? Once we shoot on location, this scene is gonna be incredible.
NC (vo): But to be fair, their acting isn't the most childish.
(Juni is watching a commercial on TV, featuring a man called the Toymaker, dressed as a news reporter)
Toymaker: And complete Level 5. Untold riches, toys and prizes...
NC: When Stallone is making a movie, can we just have an old lady in a blue dress hit him with an umbrella and shout, "Sylvester!"? (An image of Granny from the Looney Tunes is shown)
NC (vo): He plays the Toymaker, a man who's been banished to cyberspace, but disguised himself to release a VR game known as Game Over.
NC: Which is kind of like marketing a board game called You Lost.
NC (vo): Boy Spy Kid heads back home to feed his Small Soldiers when... (Gertie Giggles comes in, flying with her hair bands acting like propellers) Oh, God! Inspector Gadget finally assimilated his niece!
Gertie: The OSS could really use you. It's good to take care of your family, but remember one thing: everyone's your family. (Gertie's hair band propellers fly her back out)
Juni: That makes no sense.
NC: That makes no sense? You live in a Rescue Rangers tree house with Budgie the Scary Helicopter, and that makes no sense?! Why don't you just tell me George Clooney is the President of the United Stat- (cut to George Clooney as the President appearing onscreen in front of Juni) WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!
Juni: Mr. President.
NC: Okay, I'll accept this as some form of reality, as long as Clooney still talks to everyone in a patronizing tone.
President: The fact is there is no retirement. Once an agent, always an agent. Now, it's time for you to be a big boy and reinstate.
NC: Ah, his whole acting career is just saying diplomatically why we all have to clean our rooms.
NC (vo): He tells Boy Spy Kid that Girl Spy Kid is missing, so he travels to his old agency to get some answers. Apparently, his sister is caught in the mind of Vincent D'Onofrio...I mean, the game...as it seems to be a trap for all children.
(Juni is at the secret spy agency talking with the boss Donnogan)
Donnogan: The inventor of the game, he wants to enslave the world's youth with mind control.
NC: (scoffs) Please, I think we've all purchased E.A. games before.
NC (vo): So Boy Spy Kid goes in to see if he can beat the game, save his sister, and apparently alert nobody that this hot-selling game is going to take over the minds of the children of the world!
NC: Don't worry, they'll release a patch for it later.
NC (vo): And if you're wondering what the evil backstory behind the Toymaker is... eh, so is the movie.
Cesca: The Toymaker hates us for imprisoning him in cyberspace all these years.
Juni: What made you do that?
Donnogan: Who knows? It was years ago.
NC: We don't keep good records. We're not even sure why we hated Saddam Hussein. (a shot of Saddam Hussein appears in the corner) We think it had something to do with his ugly mustache.
(Before going into the game world, Juni puts on a pair of glasses)
NC (vo): Oh, look! He put his glasses on! Well, that means you better put your glasses on!
NC: Oh, wait, this Blu-Ray doesn't come with any? Well, just enjoy this thorough slapping of your eyes for an hour and a half!
(Juni is sucked into the game world, and ends up in a computer-generated city)
NC (vo): He ends up in Hieronymus Bosch's Toontown, where, I swear, he tries to excuse the lame effects from here on out.
(Juni taps the ground, which makes a beeping sound)
NC: We couldn't get a real rabbit. We just...wanted to empathize how disappointing that is.
NC (vo): And, of course, the 3D gimmicks start right away.
(A boy named Arnold is trying to collect coins while being attacked by frogs on pogo sticks. The frogs stick their tongues out at Arnold, with the tongues flying right to the camera. As NC watches unamused, Distracting reappears and smacks NC on the head with a cane)
Distracting: I'm 3D! I'm 3D! I'm 3D!
NC: GET OFF OF ME! (Distracting runs off) Ow!
Dignified: Sorry. Distracting doesn't yet know the responsibilities of his 3D.
NC: You think?!
Dignified: You see, I use 3D as a means... (Footage of a flying scene from How to Train Your Dragon is shown) to transport people to another world, helping the viewer emerge themselves... (Cut back to Dignified) into the story.
NC: Yeah? And what does he do?
Distracting: Well, you know that trick when you were a little kid and you wanted to annoy someone without touching them? Spy Kids 3D! (The frog attack scene, as well as other 3D scenes, is shown as Distracting waves his hands at the camera) Does this annoy you? Does this annoy you? I'm not touching you! Does this annoy you? Does this annoy you? I'm not touching you! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
NC: Why, that's inspired me.
NC: Yeah. (Brings out his gun) To let this bullet touch you instead of my fist!
(NC chases Distracting off-screen while shooting his gun)
NC: (off-screen) DOES THIS ANNOY YOU?! DOES THIS ANNOY YOU?! I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So he has to outsmart some terrifying enemies who look more like the mascot of several math games... (Images of children's math games, all of which have frogs as mascots, are shown) as he's transported to Mario Maker, where he finds some testers of the game.
(Juni encounters the Testers; Arnold, Rez and Francis)
Rez: How can I offer service? I'm Rez.
Juni: Hi, Rez. Now, about saving...
NC: Wait, wait, wait. Movie, bring that joke to me. (The poster of the movie approaches NC) Come on, come on, come on. Spit-spot, young man. (Takes out a piece of paper from the poster and reads it) "Hi, Rez"? You really thought you could slip that terrible joke by us because you said it really fast? (The poster nods yes) GO TO THE CORNER FOR PAINFULLY PUSHED PUNS!
(The poster moves to the corner with a sign saying what NC said, joining Doesn't Count there)
Doesn't Count: I'm more of an abstract visual gag. I just didn't want to move.
NC (vo): So he tells the testers what's going on, but they don't believe him, so they send him to a level on the moon. Gee, if only there was a way to stop their gameplay, talk to them in real-life, and let them know it's all true.
NC: But, unfortunately, they can. (Long beat, before a caption pops up in the bottom saying "DUMB")
NC (vo): Thankfully, though, this game is apparently half of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
(On the moon, Juni speaks with Donnogan and Cesca through a TV hologram)
Cesca: You do get one additional lifeline.
Juni: Call in the family files.
NC (vo): So he brings in his grandpa, played by Ricardo Montalbán.
Robot (Toymaker's voice): Pros: superior intellect. Cons...
NC: (Imitating Kirk) KAAAAAAHN! (After thinking for a moment, he joins Doesn't Count and the movie poster at the Corner of Painfully Pushed Puns) I don't care. It was totally worth it! (Doesn't Count shakes his head at NC) Don't look at me.
Juni: I choose Grandpa.
Robot: One moment.
NC (vo): So Grandpa welcomes himself to Fantasy Planet...not really sure how they flew him in to headquarters so fast. Maybe they just keep him in a storage closet. (A photoshopped image of Grandpa sitting in a storage closet is shown) ...and it appears he has a history with the Toymaker.
Grandpa: The Toymaker is here?
Juni: You know him?
Grandpa: I've been hunting him down for 30 years, Juni.
NC: (Imitating Grandpa) I'll chase him around the moons of...just...this moon...until I give him up.
NC (vo): To be fair, I probably would've liked the ending of Into Darkness if it went this route.
(Grandpa gets into a special suit that allows him to walk)
Juni: You can walk.
(Grandpa jumps above Juni and lands on a rock)
Grandpa: Oh, I can do more than that.
NC: (Snickers) Sad thing is, it still looks more realistic than his plastic chest. (An image of Khan is shown)
NC (vo): But he gets distracted by a butterfly...no, really. I guess he likes enforcing ADD stereotypes...as Boy Spy Kid travels to an arena even lamer than Pokémon Stadium.
(The audience angrily boos, but NC evilly relishes in it)
NC: (evilly) Oh, yes, Pokémon fans! Bring me your comments of anger! (Literally picks the comments up) They nourish me! (Eats the comments up)
(Juni ends up in a robot fight against a female opponent named Demetria)
NC (vo): It turns out he has to defeat Aria Stark in Mighty Morphin' Pacific Rimgers in order to move on to the next level.
(Demetria spins Juni around constantly, as Juni screams and Demetria enjoys it)
NC: I'll give Rodriguez this. These must be the greatest movies to work on if you're a child actor.
NC (vo): (as a child actor) What do I do? (as the director) Just lay down. (as child actor) What do I do? (as director) Just move your arms slightly. (as child actor) You're gonna make me look cool, right? (as director) Even though you're not moving a single solitary muscle, I'm gonna make you look like the most badass fighter in the world.
NC: Now, Stephen Hawking, get in your ninja outfit!
NC (vo): He beats her, just in time to see Sylvester Stallone play a wide variety of characters...because if there's anyone I trust who can play a wide variety of characters, it's Sylvester Stallone.
(At his lair, the Toymaker talks with different versions of himself, including a guard, a bald-headed scientist, and a hippie)
Toymaker: What I want, what we want, what do we want?
Toymaker Scientist: The time on this planet is over. It belongs now to our youth.
Toymaker Guard: Not if we control their minds!
Toymaker Hippie: We could, like, start the world over again and cure it of its diseases.
(NC is stunned)
NC: Wow. I...I haven't seen someone so dedicated to playing such a wide array of roles since... (Image of Jack & Jill is shown) Adam Sandler did a high squeaky voice next to another Adam Sandler doing a high squeaky voice. Hell, even Stallone comments on how he forgets he's talking to himself.
Toymaker: Who are you people?
Toymaker Scientist, Guard and Hippie: We are you.
Toymaker: I forget the extent of my programming powers from time to time. And for a moment, I actually believed that you existed.
NC (vo): Yeah, what other ways do you think Stallone fools Stallone?
(NC, imitating Stallone, does the whole missing thumb trick on himself. He even shouts "I am the law!" Cut back to the movie, where Juni meets the testers again)
NC (vo): But they mistake Boy Spy Kid for a magical character just called The Guy, who is supposed to lead them through the final level to win. So they ask him to prove his worth in yet another meaningless detour.
(That "detour" is a large race in which all the players partake in)
NC (vo; as a race announcer): Welcome to F-Zero-Chance-Of-Liking-This! We were gonna go with "Mario Fart", but we thought it'd be a repeat of the stellar "Camel Poop" joke in the second one.
Gerti Giggles (from Spy Kids 2): Camel poop!
NC: (smiles) Still a classic.
(The race begins. At one point, we see Juni ending up getting in a car crash)
NC (vo): Until Captain America: Civil War, these would be the most impressive action effects ever put onscreen.
NC: Maybe Foodfight comes a close second.
(The race continues on)
NC (vo): Amusingly enough, watching this just makes me wish I was playing this game instead of watching it as a movie. So, it's basically every bad video game film except I don't have a good game that goes along with it!
(Juni wins the race)
Announcer: Winner by a hubcap!
NC (vo; as the testers): Never have we seen someone sit, lay down and slightly wiggle with the world moving around him in such badass glory!
NC: What am I talking about? These are the characteristics of a real gamer! (An image of a fat gamer from South Park is shown)
Juni: I have to go talk to my grandfather.
Rez: To who?
Juni: I mean, I must confer with the Wizard of Atari-Sega-Nendo.
NC: Yeah, young people clearly wouldn't recognize those terms. Hey, have you heard this new invention called "Ice Cream"?
Juni: (To Grandpa) Now they think I'm some important guy who's going to win the game for them.
Grandpa: For our purposes, that's very good. They can lead us to Level 4 more quickly.
NC (vo): Christ, even when he's trying to sound friendly, he still sounds like he's gonna torpedo someone's ass.
Grandpa: No, Juni. I don't plan on letting him go anywhere.
NC: (As Grandpa) Don't you know the ancient Klingon proverb that says, "Camel Poop"?
Juni: We'll talk about this later.
(Juni walks back to the testers, as we see Grandpa has suddenly vanished)
NC (vo; as Grandpa): Of course, after you tell me where the hell I just went.
NC: (Brings out a phone) One, two, beam up!
(NC gets beamed up. We go to a commercial)
(When we come back, we see Juni officially join the testers, which now includes Demetria)
NC (vo): So he convinces them all to work together.
Juni: If we all work together, we all win.
Arnold: With my strength.
Francis: My brains.
Rez: My cool.
Gimli: And my axe.
NC (vo): They get to Level 3, but it looks like it's Duel of the Fops, as two of them have to fight and one of them has to lose in order to move on.
(Arnold and Juni battle each other. Arnold hits Juni, causing him to lose a life. Demetria, watching this, makes a tortured face)
NC: Is that a look of anguish or does she really have to pee?
(That clip is shown again. NC mimics wanting to pee)
NC: (Imitates Demetria) I've had to go number 1 ever since Level 2. And trust me, you don't want to see that in 3D!
NC (vo): But she can't hold it in any longer and she switches spots in order to keep him in the game. Hey, it's been a few minutes. Time for another creepy speech from Montalbán.
(Grandpa looks at a butterfly, while speaking towards the Toymaker)
Grandpa: You are causing so much pain. And only I can stop you.
NC (vo): You know, I think this whole movie was just a dare by Quentin Tarantino to see if Rodriguez could get Montalbán to be passionately angry at a butterfly.
NC: I bet Tarantino just photoshopped this image and was like, "I dare you to make a story behind this!"
NC (vo): They make it to Level 4, as Boy Spy Kid meets up with... (At Level 4, Juni encounters his sister Carmen, who is wearing a pink armored suit) Spy College Student...as the Toymaker lets her help the team to make the game more interesting. Yeah, how unrealistic is that? Oh, not the villain letting her go, but male gamers actually following a girl gamer. (Scoffs) Like they would ever let that happen.
Juni: We're going to Lava Mountain.
Carmen: We are?
Francis: We're following the Guy.
NC: NOW this feels more realistic!
NC (vo): But they're attacked by uncolored Happy Meal toys, and they floor it out of there.
(The heroes attempt to escape the herd of metal skulls by running. Due to the CGI on Juni's suit, we are seeing him running faster than he actually is)
Juni: Wait, what's worse?
NC (vo): Amazing how much it looks like he's running, isn't it?
NC: Clearly, CG-ing him was much more practical than...actually having him run?
NC (vo): Did everybody just film this movie lying on a yoga mat?
(The heroes escape by surfing on a lava river)
NC (vo): So they swim into the lava and make their way into Mount Doom. There they run into Frodo Baggins, who will vanquish the evil... (The heroes encounter the Real Guy, played by Elijah Wood) Holy shit! I was just kidding!
NC: I guess it ties to The Faculty form of the old Fellowship! (A poster of The Faculty is shown)
The Real Guy: If we join together and battle as one...
NC (vo): He reveals that he is, in fact, The Guy, and that he will lead them to victory. (Beat) Only to be killed two seconds later.
(The Real Guy ends up being fatally electrocuted by lightning)
The Real Guy: Oops. (He explodes)
NC: Dude, he wasn't even around long enough for me to make a 3D Wood joke.
NC (vo): But the girl who died earlier suddenly returns.
Juni: This is Demetria, my girlf...my, my friend.
Demetria: I'm his girlfriend.
NC: Typical Hollywood romance. You barely know each other, you mostly fight, and suddenly, you declare your love for each other.
Carmen: She set you up, Juni.
(She goes over to Demetria and waves her hand at her, revealing Demetria to be a hologram)
NC (vo): Well, I'm glad you're right, or else, you totally would've decapitated that kid.
NC: (As Carmen) She's a phony! (Waves his hand, accidentally decapitating Demetria's head. He holds it, shocked) She...she was programed to do that.
NC (vo): But it turns out she still loves him, so she sacrifices her non-existing self to save him.
NC: So, it's kind of like when you abandon Yoshi. (Footage of a Mario game showing Mario continuing a level despite losing Yoshi is shown) You kind of feel bad, but do you?
(We see the heroes back in the real world)
NC (vo): They go back to the real world, but it looks like the Toymaker has been freed and is starting to take over.
(The Toymaker proves this by taking control of the President on TV)
Toymaker: To settle the score for imprisoning me. (Reveals himself) All I wanted to do is right the wrongs...
NC (vo): You know, I think the way Rodriguez gets half of these people is he just has them Skype their lines. (As the director) Clooney, can you webcam yourself against a green screen? (As Clooney) Yeah, sure. (As director) Stallone, can you face-time yourself in half the costumes from Staying Alive? (As Stallone) You got it, pal.
(As NC speaks, we see more characters in the movie, all played by well-known actors, starting with Gregorio Cortez (Antonio Banderas))
NC (vo): (As director) Banderas, can you put on your Halloween costume from last year and just wave your arms in front of a wall, any wall, it really doesn't matter? (As Banderas) Si, senior.
(Then we see Dinky Winks (Bill Paxton))
NC (vo): (As director) Bill Paxton, can you...?
Dinky Winks: Somebody ring the Dinkster?
(Then we see Romero (Steve Buscemi))
NC (vo): (As director) Uh, Steve Buscemi, can you just run out in the middle of the street so I can put you on a giant flying pig? (As Buscemi) Strangely enough, that's not the weirdest thing I've been asked to do.
NC: I can see why this was called a digital file! Because all the footage was emailed to him in that format!
(We see the climax, showing the Toymaker's robots invading the city)
NC (vo): Where was I? Oh, yeah. Giant robot monkeys that you can only see if you put your magic glasses on.
NC: That really needs to be much cooler than what I'm seeing here.
NC (vo): But Montalbán goes inside the robot head of Tim Allen and confronts Stallone, simply to say he forgives him for putting him in a wheelchair years ago. This causes Stallone to turn off all the machines, crashing his robot with the two of them still inside into the ground.
(After the robot crashes to the ground, we see Grandpa and the Toymaker come out, both unharmed)
(NC is extremely stunned)
(We see the clip of the Toymaker's robot crashing down, with added tiny figures of the Toymaker and Grandpa inside the head)
NC (vo): Yeah, let's say Ricardo's here and Stallone's here...there's no way. Dead instantly.
NC: Their bones would be diced in a Yahtzee cup. You wouldn't even recognize their remains. (Gets annoyed) How did he even get...
NC (vo): ...the wheelchair on top of that thing?!
NC: (Puts on 3D glasses) Let me see if it's any better with these. Nope! Nope! (Takes them off) It's still...still no!
NC (vo): But it's okay, because everyone learns the true meaning of family...and that excuses 100% of everything.
Grandpa: To family.
Grandma (Holland Taylor): To family.
Gregero Cortez: To family.
Ingrid Cortez (Carla Gugino): To family.
Juni: To family.
Toymaker: To family.
NC: (Brings out handcuffs) To jail! You online terrorist of destruction. By God, you're getting the chair!
(Clips from the movie play out as NC gets to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): Spy Kids 3D is slightly imaginative at times, but mostly just dull. The jokes aren’t that funny, the acting isn’t much fun, and so much of the spontaneity from the other films is gone because it’s focusing too much on showing off its annoying 3D effects. I’m glad it got people looking at the possibility of using 3D in films again, but good Lord, what an annoying film to sit through to realize it. And the funny thing is, I actually wouldn’t mind playing some of this as a game. Rodriguez can be a great filmmaker, but maybe he also has a secret calling as a game designer, too.
NC: The whole thing feels like a game, anyway. Wouldn’t that have made much more sense?
Dignified: Well, it's funny that you mentioned that, because that's actually why we're here. Rodriguez became so obsessed with 3D that he finally let us completely take over in his new game, (Pulls up a video game cover) The 3D Brothers.
NC: Holy smokes! That sounds perfect!
(NC sits down on the couch with a PS3 controller while The 3D Brothers appear on the TV via explosion)
Dignified: Well, what would you like to do today, brothers?
DC: I don't care.
Distracting: I'M 3D!
Dignified: You're right. We should talk about our identities and what it says about us psychologically. (Looks at NC) Press Triangle to continue.
(NC does what Dignified says)
DC: My psychological struggle is obvious, I was a mistake and nobody wanted me.
Dignified: (worried) Oh, no, don't say that! Did you know Mother once told me she was very proud of you?
Dignified: Oh, yes. (The game starts to bore NC as Dignified talks) In fact, the one she confessed being disappointed in is Distracting.
Distracting: What?! She was disappointed in me?!
Dignified: Come now, you know this. (NC presses a button on his controller hoping to skip the boring intro only to bring up a text box that reads "You cannot skip the cut scenes") It's why you hide behind that extravagant demeanor.
(NC, so frustrated about not skipping the intro, starts mashing the buttons)
Distracting: Wow! I never actually considered that! (Looks at NC) Press the Square button to continue!
(NC does what Distracting says)
DC: Maybe we can heal after all with the hard look deep inside ourselves.
(NC is even more bored than before)
Distracting: Yes. Maybe I have more problems than I thought. I've just been running away from them.
NC: (angrily) THIS IS A HORRIBLE GAME! (calmly) But it's actually kind of a good movie.
Dignified: Would you like to run away from your problems again, and, perhaps, a playable environment full of obstacles?
(NC thinks he can finally play the game, but the boring conversation is still happening)
Distracting: No, I think I'd rather talk about this.
Dignified: Very good. Now, as I was saying, there are several levels to the game...
NC: (sighs) I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
DC: Press X if you want to confront my felling of inadequacy.
(The credits roll)
(Channel Awesome logo)
Dinky Winks: Somebody ring the Dinkster?