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Starchaser

Nc starchaser by marobot-d4wmwdn

Released
April 17, 2012
Running time
23:58
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Commentary

(we start off with a shot of the NC's chair, but he's not in it, until he comes up from the lower left corner)

NC: (quietly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Sorry about all this. It's just, I'm really concerned because I heard you-know-whom might be in town-- (lightning crash! cut to Sage wearing a hooded robe with an evil grin on his face while Night on Bald Mountain plays in the background) Aaah! Sage!

Sage: Yes. Me.

NC: You're looking good. You've been working out or something?

Sage: *stares*

NC: New haircut, new wardrobe, penis enhancements?

Sage: Silence!

NC: Aaah! What do you want with me, mentally demented one?

Sage: My day of reckoning, Critic. *pulls his hood off to show his normal hat* My day that has been coming for nearly four years.

NC: Reckoning?

Sage: That little cameo of mine in your Care Bears review could only sate me for so long, Critic. A full and proper crossover is inevitable.

NC: (scared) You mean, you...wanna do a review? *Sage nods* Well, I guess that's fine with me! I'll just schedule the next five years--

Sage: (shakes his fist) Now, Critic!

NC: Aaah! Look, no offense, Sage, but anything having to do with you scares the shit out of me! I mean, you don't review things that are well. You are not well!

Sage: It took me a while, Critic, but I finally found the perfect movie for us to review.

NC: Oh, no, I've seen what you review! You're not gonna make me review cops with grenades tied to their pubes or something!

Sage: Critic, have a little more faith in me than that. *NC sighs* If I showed you something from my...personal collection, it'd probably kill you. If you died, then I'd have no one to play with. So I bring you, this. *holds up the DVD case to Starchaser as the music comes to a high note*

NC: (about to scream and the music goes silent when he sees the DVD) Starchaser: The Legend of Orin? You're kidding, right? This doesn't look that bad.

Sage: You're not afraid?

(clips from the movie show)

NC (v/o): What, you got some 80's cheese, some bland story, and actually some half-decent animation.

NC: It looks stupid and silly, but this doesn't look awful. No, I'm not afraid!

Sage: You will be. (lightning cracks)

(more clips from the movie)

NC (v/o): So it seems I've been shanghaied into reviewing another fossilized piece of shit that nobody saw the first time it came out. Apparently, Starchaser was released in 1985, and flopped harder than a fat guy on America's Funniest Home Videos. (as he says that, a clip of a fat guy breaking a pool diving board and going into the pool is shown)

Sage (v/o): Aw, come on, Critic, you gotta give them credit for making the best 3D movie ever made. (a movie poster of Starchaser is shown) Or at least that's what they say on the poster.

NC: Oh, sure, as we all know, 3D is the gatekeeper to quality entertainment. (as he says that, a picture of Alice in Wonderland is shown, followed by one for Titanic 3D) Though Kate Winslet's nipple in 3D does have some potential.

NC (v/o): So to be fair, the movie starts out all right. I mean, the animation looks like Heavy Metal threw up on a Molly Hatchet cover, but it's harmless.

Sage (v/o): (a scene of a robot slavemaster whipping a slave with a laser whip) Well, as harmless as forced labor in a dangerous mine can be. (a shot of Orin) This is our hero, Orin, who, despite having lived his entire life in the subterranean world as a slave, still manages to have a head of finely shampooed, luxuriant hair.

Elan: Slow down, grandfather, you're too old to keep up this pace!

Grandpa: Slowing down will only prolong my suffering. (as he says this, Orin slips in some of his crystal load into the other bucket)

Elan: Orin, don't! You won't survive doing the work of two!

Orin: The prettiest girl in the world, I'd do the work of ten.

NC: Yeah, have you seen Jessica? That chick be smokin'! (acts embarrassed) Oh, but you're hot, too. You're hot, too. (Beat) You have an nice tooth.

(Orin gets a whip wrapped around his throat)

NC (v/o): It seems that Orin and his friends are slave laborers that mine crystals for a god named Zygon. (a shot of a Zygon from the classic Doctor Who) No, not that Zygon. (a poster of Miss Saigon) Not that Saigon either. (now a shot of the movie's Zygon, laughing while flames roar in the background) This Zygon.

Zygon: My words are angry! (slaves are bent in worship) They have kept you alive since the beginning of time, and ask very little in return!

Sage: Just your continued subjugation and your free will. Really, you're taking advantage of us.

Sage (v/o): So after the slaves offer their mined crystals in exchange for food, Orin happens upon a strange sword embedded in the rock wall. (the sword glows, flies into the air, lands in the ground, then an old sage is projected from the sword)

Slave: It's alive!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: (voiceover placed over the sage) You will go to the Dagobah system. There, you will learn from Yoda.

Sage: Oh, I'm sure that's just a coincidence. (then he gets an evil grin followed by lightning crashing)

NC (v/o:) Yeah, so Not-Obi-Wan says there are other worlds outside of the caverns, and that the wielder of the sword can free all the slaves if he is able to find the blade. (Orin fights with another slave over the hilt) After pointlessly wrestling with another slave, Orin takes what's left of the sword and vows to find the blade.

Orin: We'll go together, Elan.

Kallie: I'll go with you, too.

Orin: You'll have to be with us in spirit, Kallie. It's too dangerous for one as young as you.

Kallie: I'm not too young. You don't want me because I can't see.

NC: No, we don't want you because you're ball-gratingly annoying.

Kallie: Don't leave me, Orin. What if you don't come back?

NC: It's like he talks in that tone of voice whenever you're trying to mimic someone to sound really whiny. (proceeds to make whining noises like Kallie) Show 'em how it's done, Robin! (and a clip from the Batman & Robin review of Robin whining is shown)

Sage (v/o): Well, Orin and his girlfriend ditch the little turd and make off for...I don't know where, exactly. I guess they just figured that the way out of the caves that their people have lived in for generations has to be SOMEwhere. But, they don't get too far. (a scene of Orin fighting robot slavemasters with the laser drill is shown)

Sage: All right, so they give the slaves dangerous laser drills that can take out a guard in one hit, and they give the guards...whips. This isn't an S&M bar. Why don't you give them some guns? (robots are shooting at our hero while Zygon's pushing one's gun down)

Zygon: Watch out for the crystals! (a laser hits the crystals and they explode around him and his soldiers)

Sage: Eh, point taken.

(Orin and Elan are surrounded by robots and Zygon)

NC (v/o): Orin and his girlfriend get captured trying to escape where they learn that the "god" they've been worshipping all their lives turns out to be...(Zygon takes off his helmet, followed by a dramatic music sting) Oh, my God, some guy!

NC (v/o): Yeah, really, was this supposed to be in any way surprising? Christ, we're just starting this movie and the dramatic reveal is already wasted. This isn't much of a twist! Anyway, it's not really that big an impact if you don't get to know the characters. We've barely even grown accustomed to Orin or, what's-her-face.

NC: But I guess it doesn't matter, it's not like she's gonna die in the next five minutes.

Sage: Try one.

(Elan drops dead when Zygon strangles her)

Orin: No!

NC: Well, she was completely pointless, wasn't she?

Sage: You don't even know the half of it.

(Orin is cradling Elan's body while shedding tears)

Orin: This world above...I'll find it for you, Elan!

Sage (v/o): Orin manages to escape Zygon's clutches to a collapsed cavern. He digs his way out into the surface world, but it's not long before he runs into more danger. (Orin trips and falls face first into a swamp, meeting a one-armed mutant robot...thing, that growls at him)

NC: (scared) Sage, what's that?

Sage: Hell if I know.

NC (v/o): It looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Giger's nightmare.

Sage: No, (another alien, this one having a mechanical skull with beady, blood red eyes) this looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Giger's nightmare. (the mutant says something I can't make out for the most part of. Critic can just look in shock and awe) It's the eyes, isn't it?

NC: The eyes, what's up with the eyes?

(The alien is dubbed over with Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

Judge Doom: When I killed your brother, I talked JUST! LIKE! THIIIIISSSS!!!

(Orin is chained up by the mutants)

NC (v/o): So, my new nightmares for the week take Orin prisoner, and decide on who gets what body part of Orin's. Ooh, I'll take the brain--wait, no, that won't fill me up enough. But one of the ungodly monstrosities gets a little too curious with Orin's sword and winds up cleaving one of the others in half.

Sage (v/o): Orin manages to trick the last of the remaining monsters into letting him go and, yeah, big deal tricking things that couldn't figure their way out of a Chinese Finger Trap.

(Orin is running away from the mutant cave when he runs into Dagg, who shoots the last mutant dead)

Dagg: You've got exactly ten seconds to tell me what you're doing in this swamp.

Sage: Oh, hi, Han Solo.

NC: Han, what are you talking about--oh, wait a minute. (dummy voice) A young kid on a distant backwater world finds a magic sword under the instruction of a wise old man, finds a rogue smuggler to help him defeat a dark overlord. This is Star Wa--(normal voice) Wait, is that guy a smuggler?

Sage: Yeah, he's a smuggler.

NC: (dummy voice) This is Star Wars!

Sage (v/o) Yeah, you're pretty much right. Starchaser even goes beyond lifting plot elements and characters, and rips off iconic shots from the original trilogy.

NC: I can't believe it, this is shameful! This is insulting! This is downright unforgivable!

Sage: Oh, you wanna know what the best part is?

NC: What?!

Sage: The same people who distributed this in theaters, also distributed the Garbage Pail Kids movie.

NC: (he cries in fear at the revelation while Night On Bald Mountain plays again)

Sage: (enjoying NC's pain) Mmm, mmm, oh, yeah, that's good.

NC: (still crying in fear) I can't take anything from them!! I can't take anything from them!!

Sage: Excuse me for a moment, folks, I, uh, got some business to attend to. (he takes out a bottle of Keri moisturizing cream as we go to commercial break)

NC: Mom-ums!!!

(after commercial)

Sage: (turns out he's rubbing the moisturizer onto his arms and elbows) What? I got crusty elbows.

(Orin tries to stab Dagg with the hilt, but nothing happens)

Dagg: What in the hell are you doing? (he then trips Orin into the swamp)

Sage (v/o): That's our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Guy who trips over himself when slightly tapped from behind.

NC (v/o): This, oh, God, it feels disgusting viewing anything by those people, I--jee! This Han Solo wannabe is named Dagg, who tells Orin that the crystals he's been mining for all his life are commonly thought to have been mined by robots. (a swamp monster appears behind Dagg) But the scene is interrupted by a swamp monster that grabs Dagg.

(the monster's about to eat Dagg, when Orin starts hacking and slashing at the monster)

NC: Now wait a minute, how come the sword works now, but not when he tried to stab Dagg?

Sage: Well, Critic, the movie never really explains why the sword works some times and not other times, and several fan theories have floated around to this day--

NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This movie has fans?

Sage: Yeah. In fact, just recently, it's been announced that plans are being made for a live-action remake.

NC: They did that, it was called STAR WARS! (slams the desk)

(a starfly floats around Orin)

Sage (v/o): Oh, and if this movie hasn't pushed all your rage buttons by now, it also has its own version of Navi from Legend of Zelda.

NC (v/o): Oh, fancy fucking that.

(Orin tickles the starfly)

NC (v/o): Uh, is he fondling the little light bulb's junk?

Safe (v/o): I'd like to think so. Well, we don't linger on the possible molestation for long as a patrol comes along and starts attacking the two, and they retreat back to Dagg's ship.

(inside the ship, they're talked to by the ship's computer, Arthur)

Arthur: I wish you'd stop calling me your computer, Dagg. It's so impersonal! After all, you're body's just a machine made of flesh and blood. How would you like it if I went around calling you meatbrain?

Sage: Oh, hi, C-3PO!

NC: Wait a minute, it's not even a robot.

Sage: Okay, so, what do you call an AI that speaks in a prissy, whiny, effeminate voice and is largely used for comic relief?

NC: (facepalming) Son of a bitch, it is C-3PO!

Arthur: Ow! I told you it wouldn't work!

NC (v/o): By the way, does Dagg ever finish that cigar? Do people just not know how to smoke things in space? I picture that's unlikely, cause they came up with this screenplay, didn't they?

(Dagg's ship is being fired upon by a laser turret)

NC (v/o): Okay, so the two fly off with Dagg deciding to attack a nearby base because...well, the movie has to find a way to shoehorn more lifted shots from Star Wars that way. Also, AT-ATs much?

Sage (v/o): Dagg manages to steal some of the mined crystals from a nearby transport ship, but Zygon captures Dagg before they can take off. But, of course, Orin, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, demands the ship be lowered so he can confront Zygon head on.

(Orin drops behind Zygon, who notices him, blaster in hand)

Zygon: You! (Orin takes his sword out and charges at him)

Dagg: Kid, no! (Zygon shoots at Orin, but the sword absorbs the laser, knocking him down)

Sage (v/o): Ow, my sword! You know, as hopelessly dumb and naive Orin is, at least he's incredibly weak and akward.

Dagg: (pulling Orin away from the lasers) Get down! (while they're hiding behind cover, a fembot, named Silica, comes out from a door behind them)

Silica: Who the hell ordered this drill? (Dagg then proceeds to swipe her up into his arm and use her as a shield for protection from the laser blasts) Hey!

Dagg: Come on, kid! (the group starts running to the ship while robots shoot at them)

NC (v/o): Yes, let's pointlessly carry this heavy robot that is in no way going to help us escape, and will in fact only hinder our chances of escape, making it safely aboard! God, I'm a tactical genius! But of course, this movie isn't set in any kind of logical universe, so they, in fact, make it safely aboard and blast off, leaving Zygon to mutter one of the strangest lines in the movie.

Zygon: It is him. The Ka-Khan has returned.

NC: The what has returned?

Zygon: The Ka-Kahn has returned.

NC: The ca-ca has returned? This movie's full of cock, I never realized it left!

(Dagg is poking at Silica with tools, trying to reprogram her)

Sage (v/o): Well, Critic, if you thought that was strange, get a load of Dagg trying to reconfigure that fembot he picked up from earlier.

Dagg: Where the hell are the personality circuits on these G2 fembots?

Arthur: They're in her...posterior! (Dagg gets a rather sly grin on his face)

Silica: You wouldn't dare! (as she says that, the camera pans to her butt)

NC: He's not seriously going to...

Sage: Oh, he's going there! See that look on his face? That's the look of a man who's about to plunder him some ass!

Silica: You wouldn't dare!

Sage: Ooh! Sorry, folks, uh, had a flashback there for a moment.

Silica: Help, help! (Dagg soon tapes her mouth shut)

NC (v/o): Oh, it just gets better and better! Give it a few more seconds and we'll have a Cinema Snob review!

Orin: Dagg, why do you risk your life stealing crystals?

NC (as Orin): And how the hell did this movie only get a PG rating?

Sage: Wait for it!

Dagg: That should do it. (he closes up the butt panel and then takes the tape off the robot's mouth)

Silica: (porno sounding music comes on as she looks at Dagg seductively) Hi.

Dagg: That's more like it. (NC just looks on in shock, jaw hanging out)

Silica: Has anyone ever told you you're awfully cute for a meat body?

NC (v/o): Well, that seals it! We went from Star Wars to Star Whores in a matter of seconds!

Sage: Well, if there's one thing we can all learn from Starchaser is that the way to a woman's heart is through her ass!

NC (v/o): Where the hell did this scene come from?! Who thought it was a bright idea to have Dagg probe a fembot's butt? A fembutt, if you will! Didn't anyone think of the fact that there's a children's audience that will most likely see this? Probably, because they're the only ones who'll find this remotely funny!

NC: No wonder they ripped off Star Wars! The original ideas in this are just...eewww!

(a scene of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Sage (v/o): So after the two blast off into a Jackson Pollock painting, Orin and Dagg part ways, with Dagg meeting up with the film's version of Jabba the Hutt to hawk the crystals he stole.

Magreb: Oh, Dagg, my nosy men thought they saw you with a young boy this evening. My girls do not excite you anymore? (they laugh)

Sage: You know, that is exactly what this family friendly space adventure needed. Pedophilia jokes!

NC: Well, that, and robot ass play!

(Orin is at a market talking to a fortune teller)

NC (v/o): Meanwhile, Orin happens upon a fortune teller who gives him advice on where to find the missing blade to his sword.

Orin: Can you tell me where I'll find the blade?

Fortune Teller: Such is not an easy task.

NC (v/o): Hey, genius, you've been using the sword all throughout the movie. The blade's invisible! You've already found it! You might as well be trying to find the biggest douche in the universe! (a picture of The Situation appears) Case closed!

Sage (v/o): Dagg and Orin meet back up, but it's not long before Zygon's men are after them again, prompting Dagg and the fembot to enact the oldest, and dumbest, trick in the book: the sexy lady diversion. Of course, this old as dirt tactic is so stupid, that it works perfectly. Seriously, the only way this could have been worse is if he fell for the carrot-under-the-box trap.

(Silica proceeds to act sexy for the robot goons after them, only to get jumped by Dagg who pistol whips one, the next shot showing the other getting kicked, but it looks like he wasn't touched and simply falls over)

NC: Wait a minute, how the hell did that second guy get knocked out? Nothing touches him!

(the aforementioned scene replays)

NC (v/o): See, Dagg hits one with the butt of his gun and the other one falls over like he's wounded.

Old Man (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail): I'm not dead!

John Cleese (from same movie): You'll be stone dead in a moment.

NC (v/o): Luckily, Dagg and Orin manage to elude Zygon's men and they escape.

(the next shot is of a desert with a river)

Sage (v/o): So we bam to another planet, I think. Could be the same planet with the Mayan world, (then the ship is on a forest world) or the same planet with that desert town. Establishing shot? What's that? But, in any case, Zygon's men manage to catch up with Dagg and Orin and shoot their ship down.

NC (v/o): Zygon's men take Dagg's unconscious body, but are unable to find Orin, who has been flung from the ship during the crash, and landed torso first into a tree. Oh, good, does this mean he suffered catastrophic injury and died? Roll the credits! (THE END appears over Orin's unconscious body)

(a helmeted person examines Orin's sword hilt as a bird of prey lands on their shoulder)

NC: Oh, hi, Boba Fett.

Sage: Nooope. (the helmet is taken off, revealing a redhead woman)

NC: Oh, hi, Princess Leia.

(Orin is taken care of in the girl's bedroom)

NC (v/o): Yeah, you knew she was coming. Maybe not technically a princess, but daughter of some sort of rich person in char--yeah, princess. So Princess Leia takes Orin away to her castle because...(dummy voice) the plot demands it! (normal voice) And Orin wakes up in her bedroom, wearing the most embarrassing blue midriff vest. Are undershirts extinct in this universe? How come in 80's sci-fi, men always wanna wear even less than the women do?

Orin: Elan? (he looks up and sees Elan, but she turns into the redhead princess)

Aviana: My name is Aviana. Who is Elan?

Orin: A friend. From the mines.

NC: Yeah, just a friend, and totally not my love interest who died just a few days ago!

NC (v/o): Seriously, is this movie gonna force this romantic relationship upon us? (shot of Zygon killing Elan) It's bad enough that the girl in the caves was killed in the first twenty minutes, but now she's just cast aside for another?

Sage (v/o): I said you had no idea how useless that character was, didn't I?

NC (v/o): (sigh) Orin and Leia decide that the best thing for them to do is to head back to Orin's cavern planet.

Orin: Who is your father?

Aviana: Why, Morbro, of course. Supreme Governor of the Borgodon System.

Orin: I'm getting sick and tired of never understanding!

Sage: But, Orin, never understanding is what you're best at.

(Dagg is strapped down to a chair in Zygon's base while Zygon makes his way over)

Sage (v/o): Meanwhile, Dagg is being held prisoner by Zygon and I think you know where this is going.

Zygon: Try to imagine a needle the thickness of a human hair slowly thrust between your eyes.

(A thin laser is shown beaming through Dagg's head. Zygon has an evil smirk, while the next shot is from Empire Strikes Back as Lando listens in to Han being tortured)

NC (v/o): So it's been discovered that Orin's blade has been passed down from person to person, destroying the rule of tyrants for hundreds of years. Orin and Leia decide that the best thing for them to do is to head back to Orin's cavern planet.

Robot guard: I'm sorry, this is a restricted area. No one may enter without prior permission.

Aviana: Mizo, shoot him.

NC (as the robot guard): Wait-did-you-say-shoot-me-that-doesn't-sound-pleasant-maybe-I-should-do-something-like-an actual-guard-robot (he shoots the guard robot with a bolt from his head) God-I'm-a-poor-model.

Mizo: I hope you know what you're doing. (Aviana tries to open the door with the console, but Orin takes his sword out)

Orin: Let me try. (he proceeds to slice through the door while another scene shows the same thing from The Phantom Menace)

(NC and Sage are confused at first)

NC: Nah, it's a coincidence.

Sage (v/o): But, of course, breaking into Zygon's lair haphazardly has its disadvantages, like being immediately captured.

(Zygon is fighting with Orin over the sword, but the sword burn's Zygon's left jaw to reveal he's a robot)

Aviana: A robot?

Zygon: No, not just a robot. I am THE robot. (he has Orin by the throat) I have been putting the pieces back together for over a thousand years.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (from Return of the Jedi): He's more machine now than man.

Sage (v/o): So Orin is thrown in jail next to Dagg. With the blade in Zygon's possession, nothing can stop him from taking over and enslaving the humans. In fact, this blade is so important, that Zygon just leaves it out in the open on a console board.

Sage: How much you wanna bet that's gonna bite him in the ass?

(the Starfly is flittering around in Orin's cell)

Orin: Starfly!

(the next scene has the Starfly taking the sword hilt and bringing it to Orin)

NC (v/o): Conqueror of man, folks. Goddamn, this is stupid! So, of course, the twinkling dingleberry sneaks the hilt out of the reach of Zygon, and Orin uses it to escape.

Orin: Guard, I have something for you!

NC (as robot guard): Oh, boy, oh, boy, I hope it is candy! (Orin stabs the robot through the door) That is not candy.

Dagg: What's going on, Water Snake? (Orin then cuts a hole in Dagg's cell door to free him)

Orin: Come on!

NC (v/o): (sigh) So Orin and Dagg manage to sneak on board one of Zygon's ships as they leave to destroy...humanity's space fleet, I guess. Yeah, we're supposed to care about some fleet we've never seen in this movie? Oh, and I mean literally never see! We never see a single space ship of theirs, or even the planet which they're protecting. (sarcastic) My God, I'm so invested!

Sage (v/o): Luckily, the fembot managed to fix the ship and rejoins Orin and Dagg as they manage to take control of the flagship leading the attack, and with a simple push of a button, detonates all the missiles in the entire fleet, effectively destroying every ship. (a shot of every ship blowing up) Christ, if a single button push can do that, I'd hate to see what would happen if a guy accidentally spilled his coffee on the control boards! Orin and the gang manage to break back into Zygon's place for, what, the third time now? But Zygon manages to ensnare Orin's ship in a tractor beam, leading the fembot and Dagg's ship to make the save and take their place in the beam. I'm not sure that's how it works, but if the filmmakers don't care, why the fuck should I?

(Dagg's ship is being shot at)

Arthur: Ouch! Good suggestion!

(Orin and Zygon are about to have their final battle)

NC (v/o): The flagship decimates all of the base's defenses, leaving Orin to face Zygon one on one.

Sage (v/o): But it looks like Leia decides to go after Orin anyways after seeing Zygon pursue after him, and gets her ass captured while the two were fighting like a complete dumbass.

Zygon: Give me the hilt, Ka-Khan, or she will die like the other! (Orin hands him the hilt. Zygon tosses Aviana aside, then tries to slice Orin, but to no avail)

Sage: Okay, you tried to use the sword before, and it has never worked for you. Why the fuck do you think it'll work for you now?

(Zygon throws Orin off the platform, though Orin hangs on)

NC (v/o): It seems all hope is lost, but Navi shows up again and tells Orin that he never needed the sword in the first place.

Starfly: You do not need the hilt, Orin. There never was a blade.

Yogurt (from Spaceballs): I found it in a Cracker Jack box!

NC (v/o): Why the fuck didn't he just tell him this way back at the beginning? (a shot of Dorothy and Glinda the Good Witch from Wizard of Oz) The same reason the Good Witch didn't tell Dorothy about the shoes sending her back home: some people are dicks!

(Orin slices Zygon in half and he falls to his death screaming)

Sage (v/o): With his newfound power, Orin cleaves through Zygon and leads his people to revolt against the slave masters. But with the entire mine world collapsing from the explosions above, Orin thinks fast and bullshitty by, get this, throwing the sword at the ceiling, which magically clears the way for the rest of the people to safely evacuate!

(everyone is leaving the mines)

Sage (v/o): And if that wasn't enough, Orin even cures the little bastard from before of his blindness, because why the fuck not!?

Kallie: I can see again! I can see! I can see!

NC (as Kallie): I can finally see that you're not wearing a shirt, and that kinda creeps me out!

NC (v/o): We finally end this turd with Space Jesus here being offered by the old guy from way at the beginning to join him in being...glowy and shit. But he turns him down in favor of getting some tail.

Orin: Not yet. I'd like to stretch my legs for a few decades. (Aviana was crying in Dagg's chest, but then she turns around, while NC mock cracks a whip)

Elder Ka-Khan: The choice is yours. (the Ka-Khan then fly up into space)

NC: Thank God it's over! Lemme tell you, this was a dumb, dumb movie!

(Clips from the movie replay)

NC (v/o): I mean, beyond all the plot points, characters and shots that they stole from Star Wars, it's just lazy! I'll admit, the animation can be good at some times, but the whole story is just a complete mess of half-baked ideas and sloppy execution. And it's just frustratingly blatant how much they're ripping off Star Wars, I'm sorry, it really gets in the way!

NC: But I did it, I stood up to your movie and I got through it! What do you think of them apples, bitch!?

Sage: I'll admit, you fared better than I expected. (Night on Bald Mountain comes back on) Can't wait to see how you'll respond to my next offering.

NC: Next offering? (Sage laughs evilly and NC reels back in fear before revealing the Transformers logo. NC looks around, before replying) Cool.

NEXT WEEK: RAIDERS OF THE STORY ARC: TRANSFORMERS!

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Zygon: The Ka-Khan has returned.

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