Star Tours: The Adventures Continue (Part 2)
Some Jerk With A Camera
Original Air Date
May 25, 2012
Channel Awesome Air Date
December 26, 2014
Star Tours: The Adventures Continue (Part 1)
30 Years Of EPCOT: Concept and Opening
[We open to black with the caption: "If you wish to avoid spoilers, skip to the 16-minute mark for Some Jerk's SPOILER-FREE OPINION, then minimize your browser window." We then cut to the caption:]
Announcer/Jerk [v/o]: "Previously, on television...."
My name, you know,
Rapping about space the new place to go.
You can eat all you want and you won’t gain a pound
Cause there isn’t any weight here like back on the ground.
We travel very fast near the speed of light
You can leave in the morning and get home last night.
[R2-D2 beeps and whistles. We also get a caption: "Fact: Someone received money because they created this."]
His name is R2 but you will never hear him rap
His inventor forgot to give him lips that flap
He’ll greet you all and turn on his charm
He’ll give you a hug if you had some arms
There’s no gravity when you’re out in space
It doesn’t pull you down or hold you in place
You can run real fast, your feet will fly
You’ll be so light, you can jump sky high
New worlds open up when you’re out that far
And all you gotta do is wish upon a star
[Cut back to black and the caption:]
Announcer/Jerk [v/o]: "And now, back to the Internet!"
Ride Film #B1: Tatooine
Jerk [v/o]: And just when you think this ride can’t possibly top itself after Vader…it doesn’t. Instead, ride film B1 takes us to Tatooine for a reminder of when Vader was just a small fry.
C-3PO: A pod race?
Jerk: [In front of a poster for Cars Land] Ah yeas, the pod race. You know, if you wanted to include the best scene from the worst movie, you could’ve just shown this.
[We then cut to a clip on a loop from The Country Bears]
Reed Thimple: That day… is TONIGHT!
[Cut to Jerk, apparently watching this on the Star Tours ride.]
Jerk: BEST. RIDE. EVER!
[Cut back to the ride]
C-3PO: I’ve always wanted to do this.
Jerk: [Confused] Could’ve fooled me.
[We then cut to a clip from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.]
C-3PO: They will never get me onto 1 of those dreadful starships
[Cut back to the ride]
C-3PO: I’ve always wanted to do this.
[We then cut to a clip from Spaceballs.]
Lone Starr: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
Jerk [v/o]: So, let me get this straight; you’re [C-3PO] against space travel, because it’s too perilous but this [We cut to a clip from Phantom Menace where Sebulba’s Pod crashes] you’ve always wanted to do?
Jerk: Did they erase you’re taste along with you’re memory? I mean, not to impugn your consistency, you are the clinically, logically minded robot and all. But, you must know they erase droid memories. I mean, why would you say you’ve always wanted to do something when you have no idea you’ve always wanted?! In fact, why would a machine…want…anything?! AND WHY THE HELL WAS THERE A THIRD DEATH STAR?!?! [In a distorted voice] HULK SMASH!!!
[He pretends to smash something in front of him and the he explodes as we see that he is gone from the place he was at. We cut back to the ride, the Star Speeder 1000 (Now with pod racer engines in front) crosses the finish line.]
C-3PO: We’ve won!
Jerk: [Returns to the frame from the side] We won?
C-3PO: We’ve won!
Jerk: [More excited] We won?
C-3PO: We’ve won!
Jerk: WE WON! YES! YES!
Jerk: All those months of no preparation, all those years of no sacrifice, al those nanoseconds of wishing that some ridiculous contrivance would speed us across the finish line for no good reason all finally paid off! SUCK IT, EVERYONE WHO PRACTICED!!!
[We then cut to end of the Pod Race in the movie. The crowd cheers for Anakin Skywalker’s victory. We then cut to the 2 headed (literally) moderator of the race, Fodesinbeed Annodue, but he’s dubbed over by the NASCAR moderator from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.]
Fodesinbeed Annodue/Nascar Moferator: You’ll never see anything life that in a 100 lifetimes! It was completely illegal and in no way will count. But man, that was something!
Ride Film #B2: Kashyyk
Jerk [v/o]: Or if you get ride film B2, you visit Kashyyk, the planet of the god-awful Holiday Special. [As the Star Speeder 1000 goes though the forests if Kashyyk, Chewbacca lands on our windshield.] Chewie!
Jerk: Quick, climb aboard, there’s still time to make the promise of these lying, thieving varmints, real!
[Cut to back to footage of the ride. There’s a lot of noise I can’t make out, but Chewbacca falls off the windshield.]
Jerk: [Silent and angry for a bit] I suggest a new strategy, 3PO, let the wookiee in.
[Fanfare then plays, Jerk notices and looks around for the source.]
Announcer/Jerk [v/o]: Congratulations, Some Jerk With A Camera, you just told the stupidest pun ever! [We cut to a picture of balloons with the caption ‘Stupidest Pun Ever!”] What are you gonna do next?
Jerk: [Excited] I’m going to Disneyla- [Realizes] Oh wait. [Excited again] I’m going to Chipotle!
[We cut to Jerk in front of a Chipotle, waving at the camera.]
Jerk [v/o]: So, after Disney Chewbacca into Garfleld, we fly across the planet and…[The star speeder 1000 shoots a storm trooper on a speeder bike] kill a man and encounter a weird flying thing that’s not even remotely from Pandora and finally, we get chased off by this angry wookiee on a mast.
Old Wookiee/Jerk [v/o]: Get off my planet, you meddling fleshes!
Jerk [v/o]: All in all, a fun, but not quite as awesomely fun as ride film B3: Hoth!!!
[We then cut to a clip from Tropic Thunder]
Tugg Speedman: Who left the fridge open?
Ride Film #B3: Hoth
[This part of the ride looks like an homage to the Empire Strikes Back, with snow speeders flying around an AT-AT walkers stomping around. We then cut back to Jerk.]
Jerk: Interesting story about this part.
[We then cut to an office building (Really Castle Jackula) with a caption at the bottom that says “Walt Disney Imagineering. Glendale, CA. Some time ago.” We’re introduced to 2 imagineers, Both really Count Jackula with signs hung around his neck that say “Imagineer #1” and “Imagineer #2”]
Imagineer #1: [Excited] AND THEN THE PART WHEN THE STAR SPEEDER GETS TO THE PLANET HOTH, IT’LL RUN STRAIGHT INTO A COMBAT ZONE FILLED WITH AT-AT WALKERS!!
Imagineer #2: OH MAN, THAT WOULD BE SO COOL! But we can’t do that.
Imagineer #1: Why not?
Imagineer #2: Well, this is happening between episodes III and IV and the rebels don’t really have a base on Hoth until episode V. So, there’s no reason for the walkers to be there.
Imagineer #1: [Disapointed] Oh, yeah.
Imagineer #2: We have to be authentic about this. I mean, don’t forget how many suicide bombers we got over that 3rd Death Star.
Imagineer #1: Right
[We then hear one of those suicide bombers from outside the building, voiced by Barnyamos Danniverto]
Suicide Bomber [v/o]: YOU BUNCH OF BASTARDS!
[The room then shakes from the explosion of the suicide bomber]
Imagineer #1: There goes another one. [Beat] I cleaned it up last week.
Imagineer #2: [Picks up a broom and heads to the wreckage] Fine.
[We then cut to black with the caption: “Later…” as we hear the faux Derka Derk (Terrorist Theme) from Team America: World Police. Afterward, Imagineer #1 has just finished his presentation to George Lucas (who is played by Jerk’s hand).]
Imagineer #1: [Shutting off the TV with a remote and turns to George Lucas] And that’s our presentation, Mr. Lucas. What do you think?
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: [On his Iphone with his other hand] Why are these birds so angry?
Imagineer #1: Mr Lucas?
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: [Now noticing him] What?!
Imagineer #1: Now did you like the presentation?
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: Mmm, I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t really like Star Trek.
Imagineer #1: [Frustrated, but still trying to look happy. He sighs] So, we start with C-3PO...
[We cut to black with the caption: “Still Later…” as we hear gibberish chanting that is think is from the film And Now For Something Completely Different. And we then cut back to the board room]
Imagineer #1: So, Mr Lucas, [Turns to face him] What did you think? [George is asleep. Yells] GEORGE!!
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: [Wakes up and yells] WHAT, HOW IS IT R2?!?! [Notices Imagineer #1] Oh, uh, you lost me at CP3O. [Imagineer #1 is starting to look ever more frustrated] Uh, what is that, some kind of a multivitamin?
[We then cut to black with the caption: “800 Minutes Later…” as we hear Chef Gormaanda, the female cooking robot from the Star Wars: Holiday Special.]
Chef Gormaanda [v/o]: Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir.
[We then cut back to the boardroom, Imagineer #1 still looking frazeled.]
Imagineer #1: [Turns off TV] So, Mr. Lucas, we just watched all 6 Star Wars movies.
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: They were ok.
Imagineer #1: I know. [Gets more excited and points at the presentation with both hands] SO NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR PRESENTATION?!
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: When the ride gets to the North Pole, why don’t we encounter those cool white thingies with the legs?
Imagineer #1: The AT-AT walkers?
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: No, no, those cool white thingies with the legs. They were cool, where are they?
Imagineer #1: Uhhh…
[We then cut over to another part of the room where Imagineer #2 would be. But we see Count Jackula rushing over there, flipping his sign over from “Imagineer #1” to “Imagineer #2.”]
Imagineer #2: Well…Well, George, those aren’t really around when the ride is supoosed to happen, so it wouldn’t make any sense (?)
[We cut over to George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand as we hear a drum roll and get the caption at the bottom of the screen: “George Lucas’ Actual Response”]
George Lucas/Jerk’s Hand: Who cares.
[We then cut to the end of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi as fire works are exploding and we get the caption; “George Approves!”]
Ride Film #C1: Yoda
Jerk [v/o]: So, the speeder takes off from whichever planet that it was just on, flies off into space receives 1 of 3 Transmissions.
[A hologram of the CGI version of Yoda appears]
Yoda: Yoda, I am. On your ship, one loyal to our cause, you carry.
[We then cut to jerk in front of a picture of Jim Henson.]
Jerk: [Sarcastic] Oh good, CGI non-puppet Yoda. Just thinking, was I, that ride had too much charm. I was gonna projectile vomit all over the place. But that’s just as good. [He then turns to a nearby picture of George Lucas] Why didn’t you die?
Ride Film #C2: Ackbar
[A hologram of Admiral Ackbar appears]
Admiral Ackbar: This is Admiral Ackbar. By now, you know that your speeder is carrying an agent vital to our rebel cause.
[Cut to Jerk in a replica of the bone ball cages from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.]
Jerk: Don’t listen to him, 3PO, it’s a…[His mind goes blank] Uh, what do you call that thing where you’re trying to get after something that someone tells you where it is, but they’re lying and you wind up caught by the people you don’t want to find you who find you and…and then you’re off than you were before? It happened to R. Kelly once in a cabinet or something. Eh, to hell with it, here’s a clip of weird Al Yankovic pulling out one of his teeth.
[It’s actually Weird Al with a hammer]
Weird Al Yankovic: [Happy] Ready? Here I go! [He then hits his head with the hammer. Blood starts to pour down his face.] Gee that…that didn’t feel very good.
[Jerk looks a little frustrated by this order of Weird Al clips, but still tries to smile.]
Ride Film #C2.5 (Unsued)
[This one is a joke ride film for the review of a hologram Kanye West at Coachella 2012]
C-3PO: A transmission? [R2-D2 Beeps] Kanye West: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP COACHELLA!
Jerk: Anyway, ride film C3 is, for my money, other reason this boondoggle exists
Ride Film #C3: Leia
[A hologram of Princess Leia (which is archive footage of her message from Star Ward Episode IV: A New Hope, as she is in her classic white dress and bun hairdo) appears]
Princess Leia Organa: I am Princess Leia of Alderaan. [Jerk leans forward, in awe of her beauty] We've placed a rebel spy vital to the survival of the rebellion in your Star Speeder. You must see her [Sometimes it’s a him, she’ll say] safely delivered to the coordinates I'm transmitting to your R2 unit. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Star Tours, you're my only hope.
[We then cut to a clip from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]
Obi-Wan Kenobi/Jerk [v/o]: I thought I was your only hope?
Leia/Jerk [v/o]: [still the holoram from the ride] I…
Obi-Wan/Jerks [v/o]: How many hopes do you have?
Leia/Jerk [v/o]: 37(?)
Obi-Wan/Jerk [v/o]: “37?” [Turns to Luke] The Princess has 37 hopes.
Luke Skywalker/Randal Graves (From Clerks) [v/o]: In a row?
[Cut back to the ride]
C-3PO: [Turns to us] I’m afraid we’ve all just joined the Rebel Alliance.
Jerk: You can do that? Just tell a room full of random strangers, “Hey, you all belong to the same political group now!” and they’ll just go with it? Why didn’t anyone try that before? That would have saved so much time.
[We cut to a clip of the Barack Obama robot (Dubbed in by a speech of the real Obama) from the Hall of Presidents ride in Walt Disney World.]
Barack Obama: To continue, the long march of those who came before us, for a more just or equal-
Voice: YOU”RE ALL LIBERTARIANS, NOW!
[We then cut to a spinning news paper with the headline: “No Government Ever!” with the sub heading: ”Poor Forced To Eat Each Other” The picture for the article is the White House exploding from Independence Day. Golden Dream by American Adventure plays.]
Ride Film #D1: Coruscant
Jerk [v/o]: So, message received, we follow the coordinates all the way to 1 of 3 final ride films.
Jerk: I hope to god, whoever gave us those coordinates was smart enough not to dump us in the middle of a big, freain’ star war or something. But, I’m sure we’ll be fine. I mean, the ride is called “Star Tours” and war isn’t even spelled with a “T.” So, I think we can safely assume there will be no warfare, whatsoever, because everything else would be false advertising. Which, I’m pretty sure is scientifically impossible in this wonderful free market society- [We then cut to ride film D1, where we start in a space battle above Coruscant] You bunch of charlatans!
C-3PO: [Flying through the battle] I wasn’t programmed for this!
C-3PO/Jerk [v/o]: I was only programmed to inexplicably want to Podrace!
[The Star Speeder 1000 starts to fall towards the ground of the planet]
C-3PO: PULL UP! R2. PULL UP!
[They almost head near a skyscraper’s spire. We then cut to Jerk riding the ride, wearing his 3D glasses. He pretends he got poked in the eye.]
Jerk: Ow! [Covering his right eye] DAMN BUILDING POKED MY EYE OUT! THE GLASSES DIDN’T PROTECT ME AT ALL!
Jerk [v/o]: Now, our flying commercial aircraft is careening wildly in the middle of a large, densely populated city filled with tall buildings. That never led to anything bad. Let’s see what else we’ve got.
Ride Film #D2: Geonosis
[The Star Speeder 1000 flies into the orbit of Geonosis]
C-3PO: This can’t be right.
[We soon find the Slave 1, Piloted by Boba Fett (Voiced by Dee Bradley Baker)]
Boba Fett: You can run, but you can’t hide, not from me! [He then fires upon us.]
Jerk: That’s right, they sent Boba Fett after our asses! Easily 1 of the top 10 bounty hunters who’s ever come after me, and because… [Reconsiders] top 20. You know, I’m starting to think the people who made this ride might actually like Star wars or something. [Beat] Top 50, easily.
Jerk [v/o]: And just when things start blowing up real good, who should reappear on the side screen, but Lord Vader.
[We See the Death Star (Presumably the first one), still under construction, near the orbit. Darth Vader is shown on the side screen.]
Darth Vader: I have you now!
Jerk: You could have had me earlier! My family [Holds out handfuls of sand] accepts you!
One of the grains of sand: I don’t.
Jerk: Shut up, Larry, you don’t like anyone! [Cut to Darth Vader force choking] And here we go. [He then falls down as he’s being force choked.]
Jerk [v/o]: So, let’s review. In this particular ride film; you get Boba Fett, an epic meteor explosion, more Darth Vader, Tie Fighters, a trip inside the under-construction Death Star, a sweet-ass sonic bomb, a bonus jump into light speed, and a greetings from the leaders of the Rebel Alliance! Why did they even make other ride films? This one is head and shoulders above the others! This one is head shoulders, torso, crotch, legs, and toenail fungus above the others! But, thanks to the almighty luck of the draw, more often I’ve had to endure #D3.
Ride Film #D3: Naboo
[The Star Speeder 1000 flies into the orbit of Naboo, which is surrounded by Trade Federation Droid Control Ships and Droid Star Fighters.]
Droid Star Fighter: Identify yourself or be destroyed!
[We cut back to Jerk in the bone cage He looks angry, but then he remembers something.]
Jerk: Trap! That’s what it was it. The word was “trap.“
Jerk [v/o]: I mean, what the hell? All these coordinates the good guys have been giving us have been leading us to certain doom?! And I’m not even talking about the Droid Control Ship, I’m talking about [Beat. The Star Speeder 1000 dives into the waters of Naboo, where we see the Gungan City and Jar Jar Binks]
Jerk [v/o]: HIM!
Jerk: How the hell did he get out of the carbonite?! Fucking PETA. [Realizes] Wait a minute. He’s on foot…or flipper or whatever, we’re in a star speeder. [Realizes and gets happy] Is today my birthday? [We see the star speeder getting closer and closer to Jar Jar as the orchestral song, “O Fortuna” by Carl Orff plays] This opportunity comes along once in a lifetime! The blood of the intolerable LIZARD URKEL SHALL SPILL AT LAST! [The Star Speeder gets closer to Jar Jar. Jerks voices gets distorted and scary sounding] YOUSA PAY FOR [Can’t make out the rest].
[We then cut back to the ride.]
C-3PO: LOOK OUT, R2! [The Star Speeder then flies over Jar Jar] We nearly hit that poor Gungan.
Jerk: [Trying not to look frustrated] What?
C-3PO: LOOK OUT, R2! [The Star Speeder then flies over Jar Jar] We nearly hit that poor Gungan.
Jerk: [Frustrated, but realizes] I get it! It’ll be even more satisfying if there’s a chase scene first! Come on, Vincent, let’s turn this baby around![We then see a Gungan Bongo (Submarine) in front of us.]
Gungan Captain: [On the side screen] Follow the ship, it’sa gonna lead you through the planet’s core.
C-3PO: Any help would be appreciated.
Jerk: What are you doing? What are you…He’s back there! He’s gonna get away, come on! [Mumbles angry noises] Come on! Come on! Come on! [One of the giant fish tries to eat the Star Speeder] Don’t mess with the giant fish! Come on! [Start to get sad] You’re not gonna go back and kill him, are you?
C-3PO: [As the star speeder emerges from the water] And I thought I hated space travel!
[Jerk looks like he’s about to cry. We hear “My Body is a cage” by Peter Gabriel plays]
Jerk: Nearly. We nearly hit that poor Gungan. Kind of like how Kind of like how Bambi nearly grew up with a living mother or how Jim Henson nearly went to the freaking doctor or, more appropriately, how acclaimed British author, Jessica Mitford, nearly killed Hitler when she had the chance back in the 1930s. She too had the opportunity to rid the world of history’s greatest monster and she too chickened out at the very last minute and she too regretted it the rest of her life. And if you don’t regret it yet, you obviously have no idea what this means; there is literally nothing stopping George from putting a 3D Jar Jar in Episodes IV, V, and VI now! And you know he’s gonna do it if we wait long enough, he’s not normal anymore, I tells ya! He gave up on humanity right after Radioland Murders flopped! Beacause, he realized that we didn’t DESERVE NICE THINGS! [Sighs] You know what though, it’s ok. It’s ok, if Disney wants to choose what’s easy over what’s right, doesn’t bother me. Because, well, according to the rules of the blood pact we signed [He pulls out a toy blaster] the job of killing him in now officially mine.
[He then walks away and semi dances to a cover of “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” by Jessica Mitford. He is passed by the 2 french girl from earlier, who are skipping.]
- As he stated in the prologue for the re-release of part 1 of this review, Disney would buy Lucasfilm and as of 2017, there have not been anymore special editon re-release adding anything.
- I should also note that they’ve also added extra ride films [A3, B4, C4, C5, C6, and D4] in recent years based off Force Awakens and Last Jedi, thought ride films a-c are based of Force Awakens. A3 is much like A2, but instead of Darth Vader and the Imperial Storm Troopers, who encounter Kylo Ren and the First Order Storm Trooprs. In B4, you go to Jakku where tie fighters attack the Millenium Falcon with Finn at the gunner controls. In C4, 5, and 6, you get a hologram message from Poe Dameron, Maz Kanata (The owner of that bar in Force Awakens who had Anakin and Luke’s lightsaber) and BB-8. In Ride Film D4, you encounter some of the climax of the Last Jedi on the planet Crait. Jerk talked about the Force Awakens ride films in a vlog.
[We then cut back to the ride.]
Jerk [v/o]: Then the trip to Naboo ends with an actual excuse for the 3D!
[The Star Speeder 1000 crashes into the back end of a Naboo Starfighter, piercing the windshield.]
Jerk [v/o]: And then, no matter which planet you end up on, the doors open and you head into the same Star Tours Terminal/gift shop.
Jerk: Must be Disney Magi-oh god, I’m alone. [Mumbles] Stupid kidnappers.
[We then static cut to the Wire, who is clearly in Japan.]
The Wire: I actually find the new Star Tours extremely frustr-
Jerk: [Intrrupts] Oh hi, the Wire, how’s Disney Wor- [Realizes] Wait a minute, that’s not World Showcase. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY IN JAPAN, NOW!
The Wire: [Clearly in another part of Japan] Uh, it’s not my fault, I swear! The kidnapper sends us to a new place every 5 minutes. I mean, ask Spazz how he’s doing hunting elephants in Mozambique.
[We cut to Spazz Master with a toy blaster, hunting elephants in the dessert (Clearly a California beach). He shoots one and catches it (really a Dumbo plush toy)]
Spazz Master: Aha! Got one! [Sees something behind the camera] Oh god!
[A toy elephant (Clearly meant to look bigger by being closer to the camera) is about to kill Spazz. Cut back to the Wire]
The Wire: Anyway, I actually find the new Star Tours extremely frustrating, because I get the same goddamn stuff, every single goddamn time. It’s always Tatooine podrace and Na-“Fucking”-boo. It’s like Episode I: the Ride and it sucks. I have the worst luck.
Jerk: [Skeptical] Right, you got to go to Disney World and Japan in the same quarter of the year [Beat] and you have the worst luck?
The Wire: I know, right? [Jerk rolls his eyes] I mean, just this morning, the butler forgot the extra quail eggs I ordered and then-
Jerk: [Off screen] All-Being?
[We cut to the living room of the All-Being from Part 1]
All-Being: [While reading a book] I’m on it. [Snaps his fingers]
The Wire: -Got the wrong eye color. My life sucks. [She is then teleported by the All-Being to the Chipotle from before. She feels her side.] These aren’t even the same clothes!
Jerk: [Ignoring The Wire and looking at us] And now, the time has come for my [In a loud, echoey voice as we get a caption of what he says that looks like the 20th Century Fox logo] SPOILER FREE OPINION! This episode’s spoiler free opinion is brought to you by Geekvision [Reads the quote] “Fine, Jerk, we’ll also pick up your dumb show, just quit harassing our families!” and by Detroit!
Commercial Singers/Jerk [v/o]: [Sing] It’s still a shithole full of people who steal!
[We hear a gunshot sound after the jingle. We cut to the “Spoiler Free Opinion” in the style of 20th Century Fox Logo with the caption “Minimize screen to avoid visual spoilers!” at the bottom of the screen with fanfare. It plays for half a minute and then cut to Jerk in the gift shop for Star Tours, still holding a toy blaster.]
Jerk: So, there you have it, Star Tours: The Adventures Continue. So, what’s the verdict? Did we get an upgrade or a downgrade? Yes.
[Weird Al Yankovic’s “The Saga Begins plays]
Jerk [v/o]: Ever since the original Star Tours opened in 1987, Disney and Lucas have been teasing the possibility of a revamp.
[We cut to an interview George Lucas had about the ride.]
George Lucas: It’s reprogramable, it relies a lot on software rather than hardware. So, the ride can change rather [beat] swiftly
[A caption at the bottom of the screen appears: “Swiftly=24 years.” We then cut to D23 in September 2009]
Jerk [v/o]: When they first announced it was definitely, finally happening, the clip they showed made us think the new ride would focus way too much on the prequels…and it does…by acknowledging they exist. But miraculously, this new ride still fulfills the potential of a Star Wars Ride way more than the original did. Let’s face it, the original was a great simulator, but it didn’t have that much to do with Star Wars. It was more just the typical Disney Park “Let’s travel to an exotic location and have something go horribly wrong” story, but this time, IN SPACE and with motion simulators. Sure, it threw a few cursory glances towards the trilogy. C-3PO and R2-D2 in the queue here; Chewie, Ackbar, and an Ewok in the video there; a ludicrous 3rd Death Star just so they could have that scene, and that was pretty much it. I guess all the other characters were still partying on Endor.
[Cut to Return of the Jedi. Jerk dubs some of the Ewoks]
Ewok/Jerk [v/o]: CRACK OPEN ANOTHER KEG, BRA! CHEWBACCA BROUGHT HIS WHOLE SORORITY!!
[The other Ewoks cheer.]
Jerk [v/o]: Now, if you like that basic structure for a Tomorrowland ride, don’t worry, you’re still in a spaceship and the tension is ramped up so high that if anything, things go even horribly wronger. And on top of that, they’ve thrown in geeky cameos by the dozens, from the awesome [Boba Fett] to the subtle [A probe droid] to the rage inducing [Jar Jar] to the extremely appropriate [[[Some Jerk with a Camera: Star Tours (1987-2010) w/ Spazz Master and The Wire|Captain Rex]]] and more importantly, for the most part, they good reasons for these characters to show up. Rest assured, your Star Wars Fandom will be extremely well serviced…probably, which brings me to the ride’s biggest drawback, the random ride films. On the one hand, it’s a thrill ride, which means we’re all gonna re-ride it anyway, so why not surprise us on return visits. The problem is, no matter how much you ride it, there’s no guarantee you’ll see anything different.
[We cut to a behind the scene video for the ride]
Interviewer: Is there anyway that anyone can figure out which planet they will be going to beforehand or anyway that that they can sort of game the system?
Stever Roach [The Project manager for the ride]: Well no, they can’t.
Jerk [v/o]: You heard the man, folks. This isn’t even “choose-your-own-adventure,” it’s “have your own adventure chosen for you at random, because your choice would not be good enough, you idiot.” And don’t get me wrong, it’s fun for me to never know exactly what I’m gonna get, but because I have no life. I’ve even visited the park with people who do have lives and it’s goddamn infuriating for them wait online [think he meant “waiting in line”] for so long, only to miss out on the best parts [beat] again. Okay, I guess if they really had lives, they wouldn’t be that infuriated, but I’m infuriated for them! The ride already uses multiple simulators; why not assign specific ride films to specific simulators and make the other the other ones random? But, I guess that’s more a criticism of presentation than content and here’s another one; this ride is too much goddamn CGI! [Sarcastic] I know, A Lucas product with too much goddamn CGI, surely I speak voodoo! And it’s not bad CGI, in fact, most [Shows Jar Jar again, as if he’s the exception] of it looks fucking awesome! I just would’ve appreciated more of a hybrid between CGI and the beautiful handmade models of the original, but at this point I know that’s too much to ask. And having said that, the ride does look incredible. Even the 3d here is…not necessarily necessary, but still, some of the least worst 3D I’ve ever seen. Final verdict: It feels really nice to have a likeable Star Wars product again. It doesn’t even seem like George had that much to do with this thing and that’s good! It’s more like really well done fanfic made by people who still love Star Wars and all the potential of its universe. Is it the original ride? No. Was the revamp truly necessary? Probably not. Did they ruin it? FUCK NO! Next time you visit Disneyland Park or Disney’s Hollywood Studios, give it a shot or 3 and if the force isn’t with you enough to catch your favorite parts, well, just blame it on the All-Being.
[Cut back to the All-Being]
All-Being: Heh, ain’t I a stinker?
[We cut away from him in a Looney Tunes like manner with a circle close up and then cut back to Jerk in the same manner in front of the Little Mermaid: Ariels’s Undersea Adventure.]
Jerk: Be sure to join me next time when I review the other big ride that opened at the Disneyland Resort last summer, The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Undersea Adventure, and trust me, this one is just at a California ride. No Disney World clone whatso-
[Static cut to Spazz Master and the Wire, back in Disney World and in front if a big painting for a planned ride. The 2 are happy becuae they’re about to torture Jerk.]
Spazz Master: [Points to something on the painting] Hey, look what’s being built here in Florida.
The Wire: Why, it looks like a Little Mermaid ride [beat] with a superior queue, the likes of which California will never see.
Spazz Master: It’s so true, they don’t have the room for it over there. Let’s do the dance of Joy!
The Wire: Lets!
[The 2 do the monkey dance to “Grease Wars” by Luke Ski. Jerk is angry at their joy, he then gets his phone out]
Jerk: Jerk to DS, Jerk to DS, commence operation: world of tears!
[We then cut to footage from A New Hope, where imperial workers are prepping the Death Star as it fires on a planet, destroying it. Cut back to Jerk on his phone]
Jerk: What do you mean Disney World isn’t it’s own separate planet?! Did I just silence a bunch of screams for nothing?! I love screa- [Realizes] Wait a minute.
[We then cut to a montage of the several time through out the video where Spazz Master says “Florida,” even a part that wasn’t previously in the review where he says “Florida” several times in a row.]
Jerk: [Angry] They moved Disney World to Florida! Those devious bastages. [Gets his phone back out.] Jerk to bombardier, Jerk to bombardier, commence operation: peel the orange!
[We then cut to a clip from Dr. Strangelove, where Major Kong is riding a nuclear bomb like a rodeo bull as it falls to the ground. We then cut to Jerk in an open field, still on his phone.]
Jerk: I’ve told you people a million times, the orange means FLORIDA!
[We then cut to the end credits. Midwat through, we cut back to the Star Tours meeting with Imaginner #1, who has his eyes spread to display the presentation.]
Imagineer #1: Can I put my arms down now? I’m loosing a lot of blood.
[He falls down. And we cut to the rest of the end credits. We then end with a memorial: “This episode is dedicated to the memory of Kathi Kamen Goldmark. August 18, 1948-May 24, 2012”]