And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Star Trek."
Star date 3.152: I have just seen THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this guy called Kirk.
And his father was blown up by aliens!
Because of this, he grows up to be an asshole.
An asshole who likes to make out with green women!
I made out with a green woman once!
Only she was a liar! She wasn't green at all!
She was turquoise!
And there's this pointy-eared guy called Spock.
And he's an asshole too!
But to be fair, everybody in his race is an asshole!
They want him to join the international league of pointy-eared guys.
And they're like, "You did well, despite the disadvantage of being half human."
And he's like, "You know what? Screw you guys! I'mma goin' home. Live long and suck it!"
And there's a doctor called Bones.
And he's an asshole too!
It's like "Asshole Trek!"
"To boldly go where no asshole has gone before!"
That reminds me: What's the difference between the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper?
They both circle Uranus and look for Klingons.
But I digress.
And there's a woman called Uhura.
And Kirk is like, "What's your first name?"
And Uhura is like, "Bite me!" "Sounds French."
So, they all go to Starfleet Academy.
Which is a wonderful place!
They believe in topland education.
It's like the universal federation of Hooters!
I guess in the future, women's rights take a HUGE step backwards!
"Well, miss, you have a very impressive record. Unfortunately, your legs are flabby. Next!"
So, they go into outer space to stop the evil Romulans.
I don't get why everybody says Romulans are so evil!
Ever since Bush got out of office, it hasn't been so bad!
Wait, that's Republican.
So, the Romulan Republicans are looking for Spock.
But not the new Spock. The old Spock!
Played by Leonard Nimrod!
And they're upset because he accidentally destroyed a planet!
I destroyed a planet once!
It was as if a million voices cried out and then were suddenly silenced.
It was so cool!
So, the old Spock talks to the young Jim and says, "I travelled back in time, and now there's a parallel dimension. So, if you guys were to, say, grow up differently or different circumstances that we could write and create happened, it would make sense!"
I use writer's dodge! (Dodges)
Take that, obsessive fan base!
We can write anything we want now!
We can turn Captain Kirk into a duck, and you have to accept it!
Actually, that'd be pretty cool.
(singing) Duck Trek, woohoo!
(talking) So, the Romulan Republicans have this evil power.
That kind of looks like Bozo's nose.
I didn't know Bozo's nose was an evil power!
Though, they often say laughter is a great weapon.
But not a weapon of mass destruction!
So, things are blowing up and the ships are flying everywhere.
And Kirk is like, "Sulu, take us out of here!"
And Sulu is like, "Screw you! I'm going to White Castle with Kumar!"
Right after I'm done watching Spock make out with Uhura!
That's right! Spock makes out with Uhura!
He is one horny Vulcan!
And he's like, "I shall boldly go where no one has gone before. But will gladly go again!"
And at the end, they play the famous Star Trek theme song!
Star Trek is right here to stay!
They're all assholes who always get laid!
(talking) Unlike their fans.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
At least give me money so I can see the sequel! "Star Trek 2: Zulu and Chekov Go To White Castle."