Linkara : Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. It's Christmas time! (Snaps fingers and a flash occurs, revealing Linkara in a Santa hat and Starfleet uniform. He later removes the Santa hat.) And because it's Christmas time, you're probably wondering why I'm looking at a Star Trek comic instead of a Christmas comic.
Cut to black, with "Sleigh Ride" playing
Linkara (VO): Oh, please, do you remember our track record so far? The first year I did this got us (cover of Superman: At Earth's End) Bearded Idiot, the next year brought us a (cover of Image Super Christmas Special) Youngblood member trying to follow the 12 Days of Christmas to appease a heirless Cercei, and last year got us (Covers of Special Holiday Package From...) the New Kids on the Block, (...Marvel Team-Up #127...) then an impudent jackass who cared more about non-repentant drug addicts than starving children and manipulated Spider-Man because an old guy felt kind of sad, (...and the comic adaptation of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians) and Martians kidnapping Santa Claus!
Linkara: In other words, it's Christmas time, and I'm giving myself a present this year! I'm looking at a comic book adaptation of my second favorite movie of all time, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan! Now before we begin, we need to ask ourselves a deep, important question: Why?
Cut to Cover A of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan #2 zooming in
Linkara (VO): If this comic had been made in 1982, when the movie came out, I'd have no question as to why this exists. But no, this isn't one of those movie tie-in comics that came out at the same time as the movie! This came out in 2009, 27 years after the movie! (Fade to Cover A of #3 zooming out) And you know why nobody cared to make an adaptation until that point? Because it doesn't need one! I've talked about this film before, but it bears repeating. (Cut to scenes from the movie) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is, hands down, the best of all the Star Trek films. Even if you're not a Star Trek fan, you should see this movie! The story is positively Shakespearean in its themes of age, revenge, and obsession. It is full of subtle literary allusions, from Moby Dick to Paradise Lost. The acting is absolutely superb, running a full gamut of ranges from subdued to intense.
Admiral James T. Kirk (William Shatner): KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Linkara (VO): Oh yeah, and it's extraordinarily quotable, full of memorable scenes, tense battles, and interesting nuances.
Linkara: Let me tell you something, people. Camelot may be my favorite movie, but when Star Trek II is on, I have to sit down and watch it! It is an absolutely perfect film!
Back to movie footage
Linkara (VO): Cutting any scene, any sequence from the movie hurts it. Every line of dialogue has a reason to exist, even if it's just a joke. And even for a perfect movie, it can get better. My DVD version of the film leaves out some extended sequences that can be found on the Blu-Ray, or some TV versions, and those sequences only add additional flavor to a movie that is already delicious.
Linkara: But the important thing to remember about it is that it needs all of its elements in order to work as well as it does. And guess what doesn't have all of those elements? A comic book!
Cut to Cover A1 of #1 scrolling up
Linkara (VO): Comic books do not have acting. They do not have delivery, music, or the same kind of pacing that a movie does. Now, don't misconstrue me by saying that comic books are inferior to movies. Hardly. I think it's more well-established by now that I care more about comic books than I do about movies, (fade to Cover B of #2 zooming out) and I don't follow much movie news and information unless it's something I care a great deal about. But the two mediums are very different, and adapting something like Star Trek II would require a hell of a lot of work in order to make it even a tenth of how great the movie is.
Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up main cover of issue #1 of...) Star Trek II: The Wrath--
Nimaway (???): WARNING. AN INTRUDER HAS INFILTRATED--
Linkara: Nimaway, not now.
Nimaway: BUT THERE IS--
Linkara: No, Nimaway; this is the review portion of the episode! If there's anything important, we have to save it until the very end!
Nimaway: BUT THIS--
Linkara: (Faces camera) Boyle, tell her.
Boyle: IT'S NO USE WHEN HE GETS THIS WAY. YOU WON'T LISTEN. JUST DO WHAT YOU CAN UNTIL HE'S READY.
Linkara: Now then, let's dig into Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and see if they can pull this off!