Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier
January 25, 2012
(The review opens with a recap of “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home”; clips from the movie are seen throughout the intro in the style of the 1960’s Batman series)
NC (voiceover): (as the '60s Batman announcer) Last time in the good Star Trek movie: A whale of a tale! It appears a probe is destroying the Earth in the hopes of finding the extinct humpback. Desperate to hammer in an animal rights commentary, the Enterprise goes back in time to see if they can find some. They’re told time travel is dangerous, despite the fact that they've done it a billion times before and will continue to do it a billion times after. Yarr, she blows! But this marine biologist (Catherine Hicks) will not hand them over so easily. She will later be banished to the same horrendous realm that Captain Decker was banished to. (A poster for “7th Heaven” appears briefly) The whales are captured, the probe is pleased, and director Leonard Nimoy is happy this reaches an audience that lives outside their parents’ basements. Will Shatner have the same luck as he takes over directing the next one? Well, that depends. Do you like ladies over 50 years old doing a half-naked fan dance? Hopefully, you answered “No.”
(The intro segues into the Star Trek Month opening title)
NC: And now we get one of the more famous stinkers of the Star Trek franchise, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.
(The title screen for the movie appears, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): This movie has so much and yet so little going on at the same time, that it can’t help but result in an illogical mess. The harsh moments are funny, the funny moments are harsh, the characters seem like over-the-top cutouts of themselves, it’s just crazy.
NC: So let’s see why this film boldly went where no film should have gone before.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): We open with a scavenger on Nimbus III in the Neutral Zone, where he seems to think he can make more holes in the movie than the script can.
(The scavenger alien (named J’onn) looks up from his digging to see a horseman approaching in slow motion through the dust clouds; NC adds in the low timpani music as heard in a scene featuring Sir Lancelot in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”; clips of the approaching horseman and the low timpani music appear frequently as J’onn grabs for his rifle and prepares to use it)
(Cut to a clip from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”)
Sir Lancelot: (heroically stabs a guard at the gate) Ah-ha! Hai-Yah! (He goes inside the castle as triumphant music plays)
Second Guard: Hey.
(Back to the movie)
Sybok (the horseman): (has grabbed J’onn) Your pain runs deep. Share your pain with me.
NC (voiceover): It turns out this rider is a Vulcan named Sybok, who has an incredible power to take people’s pain away in a matter of seconds. Oh, good, we’ll need that after this movie.
J’onn: What is it that you seek?
Sybok: What all men have sought since time began: the ultimate knowledge.
NC: Well, you’re not gonna find it in a film Shatner directed.
NC (voiceover): And speaking of which, we see Shatner trying to climb his own ego as it seems Kirk and the crew are on shore leave. McCoy watches from below trying to see if he can have a heart attack on screen.
McCoy: Goddamn irresponsible!
(As Kirk continues climbing El Capitan in Yosemite National Park, Spock appears alongside Kirk on levitation boots)
Spock: Greetings, Captain. I have been monitoring your progress.
Kirk: I’m flattered.
NC (voiceover): It’s also nice to see that the innovative technology so often praised on Star Trek has taken a back seat to Wile E. Coyote trademarks.
Kirk: Why don’t you go pester Doctor McCoy for a while?
NC (voiceover): Back on Nimbus III, we see a scuzzy bar where—Aw, geesh.
(A female alien with a cat-like face and three breasts is briefly seen doing a sultry dance)
NC (voiceover): Did I mention that Shatner wrote this, too?
(Cut to a scenario with NC acting out as a studio executive and William Shatner respectively)
NC Executive: (sits camera left, holding a script) Mr. Shatner, I don’t know why you wrote in a three-breasted cat lady in this—
NC Shatner: (sits camera right) Vanessa.
NC Executive: (pauses to give an odd look) …Vanessa, but she doesn't seem to be all that important.
NC Shatner: Oh, but she is. She shows what a rundown place it is.
NC Executive: But then she kills all the main characters except for you!
NC Shatner: Yes! Everything in Star Trek has been building up to the sexual adventures with me and her three breasts.
NC Executive: But that doesn't make sense! Why would a cat lady—
NC Shatner: (slaps his hand on his desk) Vanessa!
NC Executive: (rolls his eyes) Vanessa…be the big payoff in Star Trek?
NC Shatner: Because it adds to the gravitas and weight of—
NC Executive: You just wanted to see this disgusting thing on screen, didn't you?
NC Shatner: Just give me five scenes with her.
NC Executive: One.
NC Shatner: Four.
NC Executive: Two.
NC Shatner: Done. (He chuckles to himself while proudly adjusting the flaps of his jacket) Shatner, you still got it. (He makes a dramatic pose)
(Back to the movie, a woman takes off her breathing mask as she enters the saloon backroom)
Caithlin: Gentlemen, I’m Caithlin Dar.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out—(mutters under his breath) Oh, God, I can’t believe I’m saying this—a Romulan, a human and a Klingon walk into a bar.
NC: Don’t look at me! I’m sure it was written that way in the script!
NC (voiceover): Erect Penis Hair here (Caithlin) is a Romulan representative; in fact, they’re all representatives of the governments. And they meet up in this shithole of a location—Kind of weird, they couldn't find another place to meet?—to lay out exposition.
Caithlin: Twenty years ago, our three governments agreed to develop this planet together.
Talbot (the human): Our new age died a quick death.
NC (voiceover): But their “Sucks to be them” speech is interrupted by Sybok.
Caithlin: Our governments will stop at nothing to ensure our safety.
Sybok: That’s exactly what I’m counting on.
NC (voiceover): We then cut back to Camp Hammy where Spock, Bones and Kirk all sit around the fireplace eating beans. (Beat) Uh, don’t sit too close to Spock there.
McCoy: These are from an old Southern recipe handed down to me by my father.
Spock: In that case, I have little choice but to sample your beans.
(NC is seen having lifted a finger and about to speak, but pauses)
George Takei (on “Third Rock from the Sun”): Oh, my!
Kirk: Bourbon and beans; an explosive combination.
McCoy: With that Vulcan metabolism, he could eat a bowl of termites and it wouldn't bother him. (He takes a drink of his whiskey) You know, you two could drive a man to drink. You really piss me off, Jim.
NC (voiceover): Okay, take the whiskey away from him! He’s clearly had his fill.
McCoy: Maybe it didn't cross that macho mind of yours that you should have been killed when you fell off that mountain.
NC: (as McCoy, acting drunk) And another thing, what’s up with the three-breasted cat lady you had earlier?
NC Shatner (offscreen): Vanessa.
Kirk: I knew I wouldn't die because the two of you were with me.
Spock: I do not understand.
Kirk: I’ve always known…I’ll die alone.
NC: (shrugs) …Or with a…
(Cut to a brief clip from “Star Trek 7: Generations”)
NC (voiceover): …bald man trapped under a bridge gasping for air, but…
NC: …I know it’s one of those two.
NC (voiceover): So to be fair, that is a pretty deep scene to have in a Star Trek movie. What’s it leading up to?
Spock: I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as…the sing-along.
Kirk: I haven’t sung around a campfire since I was a boy in Iowa. What are we gonna sing? Bones, what are we gonna sing?
McCoy: How about “Camptown Races”?
Kirk: “Pack Up Your Troubles.”
(NC nods a little uncomfortably)
Kirk (audio): “Moon Over Rigel Seven.”
McCoy (audio): “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
Kirk: “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”! I love “Row, Row,—” (to Spock) D-Do you know, “Row, Row, Row...Row, Row Your Boat”?
Spock: That song did not come up in my research, Captain.
Kirk: The lyrics are very simple. It’s, um…uh, “Row, row, row your boat…”
NC: Umm…is this really worth playing over the hostage scene that we had going on earlier? I don’t know if I see the necessity of it.
Kirk: “Merrily, merrily, merrily…merrily, life is but a dream.” Uh, the Doctor and I will start if off and then when we give you the signal, you jump in. Doctor, if you please.
McCoy: (clears his throat before taking a drink from his whiskey) Don’t say I didn't warn you.
NC: Boy, they’re really building up this musical interpretation, aren't they?
McCoy: (sings) Row, row, row your boat / Gently down the stream / Merrily, merrily, merrily…
Kirk: (sings, joining in as a round) Row, row, row your boat / gently down the stream…
NC: (shrugs) Everybody!
(The Critic dances in his seat as a brief sing-along occurs with accompanying lyrics (and William Shatner's head serving as the “bouncing ball”))
NC (voiceover): (sings) Row, Row, Row Your Boat / Gently Down the Stream
NC: (sings) Merrily, merrily, merrily—(stops singing to slap his head) WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?!
NC (voiceover): Are we really spending so much time on this?! Wasn't there some…government representatives that were threatened with death? Why are we still here?!
McCoy and Kirk: (sing together) Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…life…
Kirk: Come on, Spock? Why didn't you jump in?
Spock: I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.
NC: I’m trying to comprehend the meaning of this scene!
McCoy: It’s a song, you green-blooded Vulcan!
Spock: Life is not a dream.
NC: No, you’re right! It’s a series of questions leading up to inevitably asking what the hell am I doing sitting around a fireplace singing “Row Your Fucking Boat”!
(All three of them go to sleep)
Kirk: Good night, Bones.
McCoy: Good night, Jim.
Kirk: Good night, Spock.
Spock: Good night, Doctor.
McCoy: Good night, Spock.
Spock: Good night, Jim.
(Cut to a clip from “The Waltons”)
John Walton, Sr: Good night, children.
John-Boy: Good night, Daddy.
Elizabeth: Good night, John Boy. Good night, Jim Bob.
Jim Bob: Good night, Elizabeth.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to a crazy Klingon who’s just…well, bored, so he looks for crazy shit to do. Riveting subplot, huh?
Klaa: (in Klingonese) Shooting space garbage is no test of a warrior’s mettle.
NC: Wasn't that Nimoy's quote about the film?
(An image of Leonard Nimoy is shown with the following quote beside him: “Shooting space garbage is no test of a warrior mettle.” –Leonard Nimoy about Star Trek 5)
Vixis: (in Klingonese) Captain, new data. Hostages on Nimbus III.
Klaa: (in Klingonese) I’ve always wanted to engage a Federation ship.
NC (voiceover): And he might get his wish. Surely, it appears it’s cancelled due to the hostage situation and the crew are flown back.
Kirk: “All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by.”
Spock: John Masefield.
McCoy: Are you sure about that?
Spock: I am well-versed in the classics, Doctor.
McCoy: Then how come you don’t know “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”?
NC: Oh, good! We get to sing it again! (He dances in his seat as he sings) Row, Row, Row Your Boat / Gently down the… (The singing is interrupted as Kirk speaks the next line) Aww.
Kirk: (to Scott) You told me you could have the ship operational in two weeks. I gave you three. What happened?
Scott: I think you gave me too much time, Captain.
(Kirk, Spock and Uhura enter an elevator)
(The elevator goes up)
Kirk: I hope…(He pauses for a while)
(NC’s eyes shift left and right, expecting something else to happen next)
Kirk: …I could use a shower.
Spock: (looks at Kirk for a moment) Yes.
NC: Well, that wasn't nearly as important as the “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” scene, but I still see the necessity of that line. (Beat) It was to piss us off, right? ‘Cause you did a very good job.
NC (voiceover): So the ship has all sorts of problems and odds and stuff that aren't fixed yet, but that doesn't stop the Federation from sending what seems like the only captain they ever send for anything.
Admiral Bennett: (on viewscreen) Now I know Enterprise is not exactly up to specs…
Kirk: The Enterprise is a disaster. There must be other ships in the Quadrant.
Admiral Bennett: (on viewscreen) Other ships, yes, but no experienced commanders. Captain…I need Jim Kirk.
NC: (explains with his hands as visual aids) Well, why don’t you take a ship that’s not a disaster and put Kirk on that? (He shrugs in confusion)
(Kirk sits in the captain’s chair and finds that it’s squeaky)
McCoy: What’s the matter, Jim?
Kirk: I miss my old chair.
(Spock tilts his head a little in pity)
NC: Okay, is this the writing for “Little Rascals”? YOU NEED BETTER JOKES THAN THESE!!
NC (voiceover): Actually, it does feels like “The Little Rascals”! No, seriously! Spock’s reaction is just like the dog, isn't it?
Kirk: I miss my old chair.
(As Spock tilts his head in pity, NC adds in a dog noise)
NC: (quietly) Stupid!
NC (voiceover): We then see the hostage footage that Sybok has sent out.
Ciathlin: (on viewscreen) He requests that you send a Federation starship to parlay for our release at once.
Sybok: (on viewscreen) I deeply regret this desperate act, but these are desperate times. I have no desire to harm these innocents, but do not put me to the test. I implore you.
(Footage from “The Dark Knight” is inserted into the viewscreen)
Joker (from “The Dark Knight”): Every day he doesn't, people will die. (He laughs crazily as we see the camera shake and a man offscreen screams)
NC (voiceover): Oh, and by the way, when did Voldemort get there? (Camera zoom in on J’onn, who serves as Sybok’s aide) Was a representative of Hogwarts on that planet, too?
Voldemort (from the “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”): (audio) Avara Kedavra!
NC (voiceover): So because the teleporter isn't working, they take a shuttle down to see if they can sneak in.
(We see the shuttle go down onto Nimbus III and fly past the camera as a mediocre special effect)
(A rebel huddles near a fire to warm up)
Rebel: (looks up) What…?
(Uhura is on a hilltop with two moons behind her and singing while performing an exotic fan dance)
NC (voiceover): Oh, God, no. No, no, nonononono. Oh, Shatner, have you no shame? SHE COULD BE MY MOTHER!!!
Rebel: (gets a closer look, as well as a group of other rebels) What’s that?
NC (voiceover): Oh, pull the camera back! Come no closer! Come no closer!
(The Critic appears as though about to hurl; upon a close-up of Uhura’s legs, he throws up)
NC: Oh, God—come no closer!
NC (voiceover): Oh, God, I can see your anus! Why would you do this, Shatner?! Why?! (as Rebel #1) Quick! Put some clothes on that woman! Frank, give me your robe! (as Rebel #2) But then I’ll be naked. (as Rebel #1) Trust me, it’ll be better! (normal) Oh, God, there’s gotta be something to cut to while Calendar Girls is going on!
NC: How long is this scene?
(A caption “A Minute and A Half” appears onscreen with a “Ding!”)
NC: Perfect! Save me, corporate America! (He brings his arms off camera left to bring in a black screen over himself)
(The Critic looks off-screen with a bizarre look on his face)
NC: What the hell kind of ad was that? (He notices the camera) Oh, anyway, is the dance over??
(Kirk and Spock jump in to aim their phaser guns at the rebels)
NC: Oh, thank God! (He makes the sign of the cross on himself)
Uhura: (to the rebels) Hello, boys. I've always wanted to play to a captive audience.
NC (voiceover): (as a rebel) For the love of God, don’t rape us.
(Kirk and his crew ride into Paradise City on horses)
NC (voiceover): (normal) While that’s going on, Chekov is distracting Sybok by pretending to be the captain of the ship while Kirk and the others sneak in.
J’onn: Where are they going?
Spock: Hold your horse, Captain.
NC: (holds his head) No. He didn't say that. He didn't say—I refuse to believe a line that stupid is in a Star Trek movie.
Spock: Hold your horse, Captain.
NC (voiceover): No, don’t play it again.
NC: I’ve already repressed it. It’s gone. You play that clip, all I’m gonna see is…
(An image of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ head is superimposed over Spock’s head)
NC (voiceover): (as Catherine) Do me.
NC: …Hopefully, I can do that for the Uhura dance.
(Catherine Zeta-Jones’ head is superimposed over Uhura’s head in the fan dance scene; cut to a close-up of Uhura’s legs)
NC: (reacts in disgust) Ewww, IT STILL DOESN’T WORK!
Chekov: Even as we speak, a Klingon warship is on its way. We estimate arrival within the hour.
Sybok: I imagine the Klingons will be quite angry.
(Sulu is seen firing at a searchlight, starting up a battle inside the city)
Chekov: You are under attack by superior Federation forces.
Sybok: It wasn’t bloodshed I wanted! (He gets up to leave)
Chekov: Wait! Come back!
NC (voiceover): (as Chekov) I’m not done mispronouncing things! Hand over all your wascally wabbits!
(Cut to Kirk walking inside the empty saloon; out of nowhere, the cat alien jumps onto him from behind to attack)
NC (voiceover): And number five on Shatner’s very bizarre bucket list finally gets fulfilled.
(Kirk grabs her, holds her up high and then throws her into an aquarium)
NC (voiceover): That’s right. Cats don’t dance. No more pussy fooling around! Forget it, Jake! It’s Cheetarah!
NC: Oh, let’s face it. It’s better than…
Spock: Hold your horse, Captain.
NC: I only just gave you the option of three to hate.
NC (voiceover): But it turns out Sybok has used his power to brainwash the hostages and now they have Kirk captured as well. Sybok and Spock recognize each other as old friends from long ago, but Sybok still refuses to join him. Thus, they’re forced to fly Sybok back to their ship, all while the lead singer of Kiss (Klaa) closes in on them.
Kirk: (to Sybok) To get us inside and re-raise the shields will take…
Spock: Exactly fifteen point five seconds.
Kirk: An eternity during which we’ll be vulnerable to a Klingon attack.
Korrd (the Klingon representative): He speaks the truth.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, don’t they have a Klingon general there? Why don’t they just use him to tell the guy (Klaa) to stand down?
Kirk: Fly her in manually.
NC (voiceover): Or…this works, too.
The shuttle makes an imperfect landing inside the Enterprise)
Chekov: Warp speed now!
(The Bird-of-Prey fires at the Enterprise, but the Enterprise goes to warp speed in the nick of time (NC adds in the sound effect of the Road Runner going “Meep! Meep!” here))
NC (voiceover): So Kirk, Spock and Bones are put in the ship’s prison while Sybok continues to brainwash the crew by taking away their pain. But we also find out some very interesting info.
Kirk: (to Spock) I ordered you to defend your ship.
Spock: You ordered me to kill my brother.
Kirk: He’s your “brother” brother? Sybok couldn’t possibly be your brother because I happen to know for a fact that you don’t have a brother.
Spock: Technically, you are correct.
Kirk: There, you see?
Spock: I have a half-brother.
-Wan Kenobi (from “Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi”): So what I told you was true…from a certain point of view.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, they pull the old “You never asked” trick just so they can connect these two together. Honestly, the story would’ve worked just as well if they were close friends instead of brothers, but screw it. It doesn’t matter. What’s Sybok’s evil plan?
Sybok: My Vulcan ancestors were ruled by their emotions. They believed in a place in which these questions of existence would be answered. The greatest adventure of all time…the discovery of Sha Ka Bee. At the center of the Galaxy.
NC (voiceover): So—and I swear I’m not kidding here—Sybok is literally looking for God. Oh, and I don’t mean in a spiritual sense or look within yourself. No. I mean, physically locate Him. Find out where He’s been hiding. And he thinks that God’s been covering up Heaven for all these years behind something called the Great Barrier.
Kirk: No ship has ever gone into the Great Barrier. No probe has ever returned.
NC (voiceover): Oh, and don’t think I’m misinterpreting that this is God or Heaven because he literally uses those terms later.
Sybok: A place from which creation sprang. Heaven. Eden. Call it what you will.
Kirk: God’s a busy man.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, kinda hard to believe they’re really going here. I mean, it’s pretty hard not to be let down when you’re being promised GOD in your movie. That’s kind of a lot of build-up!
(Scott uses a phaser gun to shoot a large hole into the wall of the prison Kirk, Spock and McCoy are in)
Scott: What are you standing around for? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?
NC (voiceover): But Scotty breaks them out of their cell and tells them where he thinks they can get a distress signal out. And is it me, or is the placement of those pipes really kinda stupid? (He uses a green arrow to point to yellow pipes that run across the floor at shin level)
Kirk: Mr. Scott, you’re amazing.
Scott: Nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like the back of my hand. (As he turns and walks off in self-congratulations, he knocks himself out of an overhanging ceiling section)
(Music from the black-and-white “Three Stooges” shorts plays out as we fade into a The End title card)
NC (voiceover): They start climbing to get to their location, but Spock believes he has found a faster way.
(Spock uses his levitation boots as the other two are climbing up the Enterprise-A turboshaft)
Spock: I believe I have found a faster way.
NC (voiceover): Oh, and never mind the obvious shadow of the lift holding him up. (A green arrow points to that shadow) I’m sure it’s just the shadow of his really fat wallet in his back pocket or something.
(Kirk and McCoy hold onto Spock, and Spock begins sinking)
Spock: It would appear we are too heavy.
Kirk: Must have been all those marsh melons.
(Sulu and some of Sybok’s followers appear below)
Kirk: Fire the rockets!
(The boots are activated, skyrocketing the three up the turboshaft and past many deck levels)
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, what was the order of the decks they passed? 52…64…63…52 again…77…78…78 again…and then the ceiling.
(All three stop when they’re very close to the ceiling)
NC: No, why did you stop? Apparently, the layout of this ship is like a video game glitch. (A clip of a video game glitch is shown briefly) You keep going higher and higher, and yet somehow, you keep getting lower and lower. Go through the ceiling! I’m sure you’ll end up at the floor again.
NC (voiceover): But they’re caught once again and Sybok decides to have a little chat.
Sybok: (to Kirk) I want your respect. Are you afraid to hear me out? (to J’onn and two rebels) Wait outside. (J’onn and the rebels leave)
NC: (as Sybok, looks off camera right) Okay. Beat him up. (He repeatedly punches at the camera)
NC (voiceover): I mean, come on, guys! You outnumber him three to one! He has no weapons. Just hold a knife up to his throat and say “Give me back the goddamn ship, you pointy-eared Sean Connery!”
Sybok: (to McCoy) Your pain is the deepest of all.
Sybok: I can feel it. Can’t you?
NC (voiceover): But instead, we see Sybok try to take the pain of Bones and Spock in the hopes of winning them to his side.
(McCoy sees a visual image of his own father on his deathbed)
McCoy: Father? (to Sybok) Oh, my God, don’t do this to me. (He goes up to the deathbed) I’m here. I’m with you, Dad.
NC (voiceover): Now, to be fair, this scene is very well done, as we see the pains our characters suffer and even discover that many times our pain helps informing us who we are.
Kirk: Dammit, Bones, you’re a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can’t be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They’re things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. I don’t want my pain taken away! I need my pain!
NC (voiceover): A fair enough statement, but all I’m thinking is how the fuck is he (Sybok) making these images appear? He never did it in the opening, and you never see him with anyone else. And we’re told it’s not just inside their minds, as clearly, all four of them can see the visuals. And on top of that, where did this power come from, anyway? It’s not like psychiatry where he talks to them; he just sort of looks at them and the pain goes away. Where did he learn to do it? How is it being accomplished? NNNNever addressed! We just assume he’s a Vulcan Jesus. A…Vesus.
Spock: (to Sybok) I found myself and my place, and know who I am. I cannot go with you.
NC (voiceover): It sounds like brainwashing doesn’t seem to work on them, but…they decide to join them, anyway, because they’re as curious as he is! Um, you sure you didn’t brainwash them?
(The Enterprise approaches the Great Barrier, consisting of billowing clouds and various lightning bolts)
Sulu: They say no ship can survive this.
Sybok: I say they’re wrong. I say the danger is an illusion.
(The Enterprise goes through; we see that there’s a planet within)
NC (voiceover): Well, apparently, it is an illusion, because not only do they make it through with no problem whatsoever—I mean, the ship doesn’t even shake!—but they literally do it in the span of just a couple of seconds. How is this the great danger they were talking about?! Were all the ships in the galaxy just like…
(Cut to NC’s animation of a starship approaching the Great Barrier)
NC (voiceover): (as the ship) D’uhhh, it looks dangerous! (The starship gets out of there with the sound of a ricochet bullet)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): …and never went in? What kind of explorers are these?!
(In the ship’s lounge, a dedication plaque is seen with the words “To boldly go where no man has gone before” engraved on the base of a decorative ship’s wheel)
NC (voiceover): “To boldly go where no man has gone before—” Bullshit! They cowardly run away from anything that looks different! The Great Barrier’s about as threatening as the Ring of Fire from “Finding Nemo”!
(In a clip from “Finding Nemo,” Nemo swims through the Ring of Fire with ease, bumping into Gill)
NC (voiceover): So they take a shuttle down to Planet…Heaven, and come across something big.
(Inside a crater, many tall columns of rock erupt from out of the ground and curl inward a little, over the crew)
NC (voiceover): (as Spock) It appears we're in the of the remains of a Brontosaurus Burger, Captain.
(A blue luminescence of light shoots from the ground and out into space)
God (off-camera): Brave souls. Welcome.
McCoy: Is this the voice of God?
God (off-camera): One voice, many faces.
(The face of God makes an appearance)
God: Does this better suit your expectations?
NC: The Cowardly Lion is God?
NC (voiceover): (as the Cowardly Lion, dubbed over God) I’m the Messiah! I’m the Messiah! Hallelujah!
God: The journey you took to reach me could not have been an easy one.
NC: Actually, it was disgustingly easy. (Beat) Kind of like stepping through a light fog.
God: And how did you breach the Barrier?
Sybok: With a starship.
God: Could it carry my wisdom beyond the Barrier?
Kirk: Excuse me.
NC: Yes, Kirk. Do you ingeniously want to point out the painfully obvious?
Kirk: What does God need with a starship?
God: Bring the ship.
Kirk: I said…What does God need with a starship?
(Blue light rays shoot from God’s eyes, knocking Kirk backwards)
NC (voiceover): I think the real question is what does Kirk need with a wire strapped to his back? (In a freeze frame, a green arrow points to where a wire is attached to Kirk)
Kirk: Why is God angry?
Spock: You have not answered his question. What does God need with a starship?
(Blue light rays shoot from God’s eyes, knocking Spock down as well)
NC (voiceover): (as Spock) Alright, I’m convinced. He’s God.
God: The ship. I must have the ship.
NC: Now, to be fair, according to most texts, God has asked for a lot of bizarre things.
(Cut to an image of Jesus Christ holding a lamb)
NC (voiceover): (as God) Jesus, die on the cross.
NC (voiceover): (as Jesus, whose animated eyes look up) What?
(Cut next to an image of Abraham)
NC (voiceover): (as God) Abraham, kill your son.
NC (voiceover): (as Abraham) Eh?
(Cut next to an image of Moses)
NC (voiceover): (as God) Moses, wander through the desert for about 40 years.
NC (voiceover): (as Moses) What the fuck?
NC: Asking for a starship almost sounds reasonable.
God: An eternity I’ve been imprisoned in this place!
NC (voiceover): But they are now convinced that this is not any God at all. So what is he, then?
Sybok: Reveal yourself to me.
(The camera does a close-up on one of God’s eyes, and we see a figure of Sybok appear through his iris)
Sybok/God: (laughs evilly) What’s wrong? Don’t you like this face?
NC (voiceover): What a…twist? I don’t even get it. It’s him, but it’s…not him? They never really explain it.
Sybok: (to Spock) This is my doing! This is my arrogance…my vanity!
NC (voiceover): I am you and you are me.
(Cut to a clip from “What’s Up, Doc?”)
Man: I am you.
Judge: You are me?
Man: I am you.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So Sybok tries to fight off the…whatever, as Kirk has his ship fire a torpedo at it. It kills Sybok, but doesn’t seem to destroy the entity. But the teleporter starts working but can only beam up two people, so Kirk says beam up Spock and Bones.
(As Kirk climbs up the side of the crater, God fires a light at him, but it misses; we also hear a siren-like “Ooooh!” sound coming from God)
NC (voiceover): (as Scooby Doo) Scooby Dooby Doo!
NC (voiceover): (normal) But the Klingon ship arrives—Funny, I guess that's TWO ships that made it through the horrifying Great Barrier!—and destroys the beast with its laser gun. (Beat) So a Photon torpedo barely hurts it, but a few shots from a tiny laser kills it off?
Spock (from “Star Trek: The Original Series”): …Logical.
NC (voiceover): He’s (Kirk) then beamed aboard the ship, where it turns out that Spock convinced the Klingon general to outrank the crazy guy chasing him. Just like they should have DONE BEFORE—! Oh, God, who cares? The movie’s almost over. Let’s just hear our half-assed moral that even Veggie Tales could tell us.
McCoy: Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe He’s not out there, Bones. Maybe He’s right here…in the human heart.
NC: Well, one place He definitely isn’t is in this script. Why? Because no loving god would ever let us end on this scene.
(At the Yosemite campsite, Kirk, Spock and McCoy resume their vacation; Spock plucks on a stringed instrument for practice)
NC: D’OHHHH, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!
NC (voiceover): You’re really bringing it back to this scene? Like, this was the big favorite in all the movie? You know what? When it’s paced this way, it almost seems like nothing happened!
NC (voiceover): (as Kirk) Bones, did we do a weird thing where we searched for God and Spock lost his brother?
NC (voiceover): (as Bones) If it’s not mentioned in the next Star Trek movie, I don’t care.
(The three begin their round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” together)
NC: (sings to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”) Roll, roll, roll the credits / Quickly cross the screen…
(The ending credits start to roll)
NC (voiceover): Oh, thank you!
NC: Phew! That was Star Trek V, and let me tell you, for a movie about finding God, I feel like nothing was accomplished.
(Clips from the movie play again as NC gives his final thoughts)
NC (voiceover): At times, it can have some good moments, even some good character development, but a lot of the scenes don’t tie together, a lot of the characters seem pointless, the comedy is really bad, and plus, the story is beyond ridiculous. I feel closer to finding God in History of the World: Part I than I did to this film!
NC: And granted, the next film is a lot better, but we still have another generation of movies to fuck it up! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up and flies offscreen)
(During the ending credits, we hear the song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” sung by children)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Spock: I have little choice but to sample your beans.